I don’t know where I begin

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Welcome to the last post I’ll ever post on Lost Storm..

So many things have happened since I started this blog in 2016.
So many pages turned, books burned, bridges collapsed and endings imagined and/or played out (and never not sloppily).
Too much has happened indeed, and I needed a way to leave it behind. Not walk on ahead and pretend it never happened, as I sometimes find myself guilty of doing. No; I needed to seal it away so I could move onto what felt like a proper chapter but not have to part ways with it all.

So, I’ve decided to keep the “old” blog and begin again with The Dawn’s Chorus. You can visit it by clicking here and feel free to follow/subscribe to the email notifications so you don’t miss out on news (like the music that I will put out, the art and many other projects!).

I didn’t think it was fair to the old me to just flush away all her hard work and all those posts forged with her tears and time, only because I, the “better version”, felt it was time to let go.

If you know me at all, you know I’m not good at letting go anyways. I just have something somewhere in there that just prevents me from letting things go too far out of my reach (aka a hoarder, both mentally and physically I guess? Haha!).

But I know I spent hours working on this blog. Not because someone expected me to, but solely because I needed to express myself and it was my newfound safe space.
And if I’m being completely honest, I often find myself going back to older posts on this blog and reading them and either feeling the same thing or feeling for that other version of me & all she had to go through for me to be here today.

This blog means a lot to me so I will not take it away from myself just because it reeks of the past. It’s good to remember, especially the bad things.

here’s a sneak peek at the new blog πŸ˜‰

Here we are so. This isn’t goodbye, it’s only a new beginning in the same story. We’re not using a semicolon this time but a proper full stop and we’re starting a new sentence!

So, if you want to keep reading my story, head over to The Dawn’s Chorus and you can start with my first post: click here πŸ˜‰

Bonus: shared a new-old song in this post: cliiiiiick

From home to home.. to home again.

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It’s four in the afternoon and I am sipping on some red wine because in my body it really is closer to 9pm. I’ve never really suffered from my travels back and forth through different time zones but this one hits differently! Haha!

We left Reunion Island last night around 9pm and made it to Cork, not without some twists and turns, this morning at 11.
The way home was long and that carbon footprint is etched in my soul, but we made it in one piece. It’s nice to be back in Cork!
(We are looking into offsetting options to make up for those very much needed trips to my family six thousand miles away. I wish things were simpler sometimes or just cleaner, I guess.)

Our holidays were amazing. Very hot but enjoyable.
We only went to one museum as most of the time was spent home with my family and down by the ocean. My mom adopted a new dog, Foxy, and he has the fluffiest of butts, we were all head over heels for him.
We got a lot of rain too so we played a lot of Uno with my brother.
However, on our way to the airport, we were oh so very lucky to get a look at the volcano’s eruption as it just started!!

We only took two pictures of this and they don’t really show much:

If you want to see more of the Piton de La Fournaise’s latest eruption, you can head over to Facebook to check the observatory’s page or just look it up on the internet for some professional pictures of this beauty!

I don’t have many stories to share with you, they all belong in my heart and mind but I have some pictures as promised, don’t worry!

I will just put them all here in a little slideshow as I don’t have much time on my hands right now. I hope you enjoy them and they maybe inspire you, some way, somehow.

It was wonderful to be with my family for so many days and to have Billy with me too.

It made me really happy to finally introduce him in the flesh to my mom brother, sister and nephew (and of course the cats!). I had never felt like my family was really whole until now and seeing all of them together was something else..

Time flew really fast but I think we did make the most we could out of it. I cannot wait to go back again or maybe fly them to Cork this time, now that I actually have more than a fiver in my pockets at the end of the month haha

It wasn’t too sad to leave for once because I was leaving home but also coming back to another place that I call home. I will miss my mom and my ocean and everything in between. But I’m okay here too, safe and happy, and that’s a wonderful feeling.


The next post I will publish after this one will be the last of this blog, guys. I’m afraid that’s why it’s been harder for me to write ”proper” posts as I am used to lately; I guess I really need the fresh environment to start expressing myself again.
Don’t worry though, I will explain where else to find me in that post when the time comes so you can still read my stories and about my life and art if you want to.

As always, thanks for your time ❀

First paintings in months

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As stated before, I haven’t really been myself these past few months. All the struggling ate away at my free time and I never felt free enough to do anything creative.

So, after so many months of silence, I finally picked up the brushes again! I am at my mom’s for my holidays right now and it’s been raining all day so there wasn’t much to do.

I borrowed my mom’s acrylics and painted a rain-themed tree and a tiny little landscape to save the rest of the paint.

Keep an eye out for my upcoming posts for loads of pictures of the ocean and mountains if you’re looking for inspiration or just want to see some beautiful Nature shots ❀

Also, I will remind you that I will stop using this blog soon so if you are interested in seeing more of my art as I slowly get back on that horse, you can head over to my art blog at https://chloeriviereart.wordpress.com/. πŸ™‚

A very happy birthday

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Yesterday was my birthday, and although I was sick and still a little sad, it was the sweetest of birthdays I had in a while.

My boyfriend gave me the best presents and made me a lovely breakfast. We had his parents over for tea and they surprised me with a small tea set and a card and some wine!! And then we had a lovely quiet night to ourselves, watching a movie, sipping on our red wine in our light bulb glasses hehe

It was quiet, warm and perfect. I am so happy to be where I am now and surrounded by the sweetest of people. It was a beautiful birthday and now I can’t wait to fly back home for one more present: to see my family and my island again ❀

23. Finding back the Fire.

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I have lost all discipline, all routine and my skills have become hollow shells.

Okay; maybe I am exaggerating a little but the person I had worked so hard to become last year has faded. In less time than it took to build it, the base of this empire had all vanished.

It made me sad, for a while. Why does it always have to be this way, I asked. Why do I always have to lose everything and then be forced to start over? I honestly had no faith in a strength or power that was left in me to do this one more time.

For a while, I grieved the loss of that hard work and those long-wished-for skills I had developed that summer. I couldn’t see them ever coming back to life. I couldn’t see me ever being me again. And until a couple of days back, I think I still couldn’t believe any of it.

But right now, as I sit on my couch, safe in my newfound nest with a cup of coffee, I can take a deep breath and confidently say this:

I’m going to be just fine; in time.

A year has come and gone. Life has pushed me to limits I had underestimated the danger of and although I survived — as I knew I would — this war has taken a lot out of and from me.

Truth is, after months of fighting, I stopped fighting, but still kept walking through the punches, even without hope. I just blindly kept moving forward, muscle memory guiding my way.
Running is all I’ve ever done anyways and believe me, I’ve tried, but it can’t be stopped. Even when things got so painful and I wanted to give up, I wasn’t able to and I just had to keep suffering through the days, even without the believable promise of a brighter day.

It broke my heart to look back at my older posts, on here or Instagram or YouTube and see how, not even that long ago I was standing so strong through the storm. How even as a dying bird I kept singing, I kept drawing, I kept holding on to the light and hoping…

It was hard to look at her and realize that I was a completely different person now. She was gone, the strong hardworking me and all that was left was this… A ghost in the night, that had run so much it forgot how to walk or even stand.

It was hard to look at her and not see me, but a ”her” with whom I shared nothing but a name.

It was hard, at first, but then I realized that I didn’t wish to be her again. That girl was beyond miserable while I am happy.
I am still me, with my scars and demons and the rain clouds in my mind constantly sending shivers down my spine. But I am happy and I am in a happy place now.
I am safe and although I still have to recover from my wars, I am stronger than she was and that is only thanks to her.

So, this birthday, I didn’t raise my cup to myself and all that’s to come. I raised it to her and all that she withstood and fought so I could be here, in a warm cozy nest with my love and with all those opportunities to seize.

I celebrated 22yo Chloe and all those before her. I thanked them with all my heart for having been so brave and relentless in the pursuit of a brighter shade of darkness.

They are not ”her”s, they are just past versions of myself and we are all but one. And that is why I’m the strongest now because I am the combination of all those lost&won wars, all those dark nights and all those worn out lungs.

I am still the Fire.

Next Wednesday, I am going back home to Reunion with the love of my life on a two-week holiday. And this will be the much-awaited/deserved rest that we’ve been starving for.

The both of us have been through our own fair share of struggles for the last five years.
And, even since we met, things haven’t magically fixed themselves because we still had some trouble weather to walk through before we got to build our little nest together.

I had been dying lately, and it’s not because things were harder at all. Because things have never been easier nor brighter.
But I believe it is because with all the running I’ve been doing, I never had one true break, not one time did I ever get to settle down and breathe and gather myself before I kept going forward again.

However, now that things are great, we can go on real holidays which are just going to be fun and relaxing and come back to our home which is safe and happy.
And then, from then on, we can build ourselves up again and work towards becoming and creating everything we’ve been dreaming of and just be happy together.

I will be putting up some pictures from our holidays because I can never miss an opportunity to share the true beauty of my homeland.
But after that, this blog will be over as I move on to a new one where I can work to get my life in order and get back to creating and being me again (you will know more about this soon enough; I still have to get it up and running before you can see it hehe).

Thanks for your time if you got through all this. It’s really just my life so I never really understand when I see so many of you guys have read my posts but it means a lot ❀

Little details make everything bigger..

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We have a little jackdaw that keeps visiting us. We usually only see him on the weekends or my boyfriend does on his days off.

He comes up to the balcony and peeks inside, and I always wave at him.
One time we were in our bedroom, sleeping in and I heard him cry out. I opened the curtains and there he was, on our bedroom balcony, as if he knew exactly where we were in the house!

He is a cutie and I love the light I see in his eyes. It’s mysterious, inspiring and never fails to make me smile.

If you look below, you will see a picture of him last Sunday with a blueberry in his beak.

I was having a down day but still cared enough to put some blueberries out in case the little bird would show. And he did!!
At first I heard him cry out the window, as if politely asking for permission. I waved at him and then resumed my position in the couch so as not to disturb him. I knew he wouldn’t eat if I looked.

And so, a couple minutes after when I looked him grab another blueberry and he had brought a magpie friend, it made my day.

Those little birds on my balcony, enjoying blueberries. I might not know much, but I think that this is what happiness is.
It’s the little things, it’s moments; it’s those little sparks that you sometimes catch out of the corner of your eye or that catch you when you’re busy with a frown.

I don’t think it’s this big bright thing that makes you all warm and dizzy. That’s more the job of the sun. Ha ha!

I think happiness is two birds eating blueberries. It is the little things that can only be captured between two blinks of your eyes. It is all the little details that make the bigger picture. It is the millions of sparks that you can only truly see in the night.

I am just gonna leave you with a quote from Andrea Gibson’s Yellow bird as I have no idea where this post was supposed to go and I was mentioning stars in the night sky ?

β€œPicasso said he’d paint with his own wet tongue
on the dusty floor of a jail cell if he had to.

We have to create.
It is the only thing louder than destruction.
It’s the only chance the bard are gonna break,
our hands full of color
reaching towards the sky,
a brush stroke in the dark.

It is not too late.
That starry night
is not yet dry.”

For the sake of creation..

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Hey everyone, it’s been a while.

I just wanted to share with you something that I posted on my YouTube channel yesterday after months of radio silence. It’s a lazy version of my song Mind Loan with an unplugged Nostrum on a rainy day.

My voice has suffered from this almost too literal radio silence but it’s not the only thing. But that’s a story for another post.

As imperfect as this video might be, it is the start of something brighter. This is the best that my voice has sounded these last few weeks as much as it far from what I’ve learned year I am and could be capable of.

But that’s the thing. I didn’t need it to be polished or perfect or stand up to any standard I could set. It just needed to be. For the sake of creation and for the sake of me.

Sometimes, you just have to make something and throw it somewhere to be seen, no matter how it looks or sounds or feels. Sometimes, when you’ve taken quite a hard hit, you need to be reminded of the fire in you, even by the tiniest of sparks..

This video and this post too I guess, are the new sparks of hope and small rush of confidence that I do badly need right now. Something to remind that I can and always will get back on my feet! πŸ˜‰

This post is the first of the four (to five) last posts of this blog. I need a new start and it’s going to have to be without Lost Storm.
Fear not though, I am working on a completely brand new blog which will surely be the exact same as this one; but I just need the blank canvas to really feel like I’ve moved on, this time.