What the existential fuck?!

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I think it’s crazy how Reality & Fantasy are superimposed on each other every second that I breathe. Like broken oil and water, finally mixing together, only not completely, and never not sloppily.

Essentially, all of Reality is Fantasy because, through my sole point of view, the only one I own, nothing ever is truly true or fully complete. A lot of what I actually perceive of Reality’s scope, if not all, is me guessing, me imagining, connecting the dots, trying to fill in the blanks, making sense of silences and desperately trying to see words, pictures in empty skies. None of it is ever truth, rather hollow ideas.

Reality is a fantasy. Life is unreal. I am surreal. Nothing makes sense, nothing is real. My eyes have fancy filters on, adding sense, colors, warmth and whatever else it deems necessary to this bland, vacant space in which I float. All of which are gone, from me; from the rest.

There is nothing.

I am nothing. And yet, I remain.

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My trip to Kilkenny with Esther! (01.20-21)

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About three weeks ago, I went to Kilkenny, Ireland, with my lovely lovely friend Esther. It was a wonderful experience, so I want to share some of it with you!

It was raining the whole weekend. Well, not so much on Saturday but, Sunday all day (Like, it never stopped one minute, I swear! Light rain but with a very consistent flow. haha). Which we had expected and which, honestly, didn’t keep us from having fun.

We stayed in a hostel (which wasn’t an amazing experience in itself but there was a dog so whatever) and it was pretty fun. It had been a while since my last sleepover with a friend (although that technically wasn’t one) and man, I missed the silly talk and the laughing… But that was only for the night and for lunch. The rest of the time, obviously, we were on different adventures!

The big lines of what we did:

  • Visit the Rothe house and its garden
  • The Smithwicks experience! (yummy)
  • Walk around in the Butler house garden + be astonished by their fancy toilets which I did not dare use btw
  • Go on a high quality ghost tour!!!
  • Sleep terribly in our dorm room πŸ˜›
  • Visit the Kilkenny Castle and garden + check out the art gallery
  • Awkwardly walk in St. Mary’s cathedral and sit so I could rest my legs
  • Walk past St Canice’s cathedral and meet a cat, a black cat in the graveyard
  • Visit the (spooky) Medevial Mile Museum

I’m not gonna do an exhaustive account of this whole adventure, obviously, I’m trying to watch my time! Instead, I’ll just tell you about the Rothe house, Smithwicks and the ghost tour which were my favorite experiences! These were the most enjoyable ones to me. I learned things from every other and it was entertaining and all, but it didn’t set off a spark in me like these three did.

The Rothe house and garden

It was literally across from the street of our hostel. So, easy peasy first stop.

The Rothe house was, hmm, pretty creepy actually. But there was so much to see, like that humongous deer head above the fireplace:

If I recall, it’s actually from an extinct species which disappeared a long long time ago. It is massive. And creepy. But I LOVED IT. They used to have the whole skeleton displayed but for conservation purposes, it was taken out of the house and put… some place else. Sorry, my memory of facts is always very vague… Ha ha!

But, honestly, aside from all the history and creaking floorboards, what got my whole heart was the garden and its numerous WOODEN DEER STATUES.

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I’m pretty sure I let out a high-pitched scream when I saw the first deer. I was so freaking happy once I realized there were so many more of them!! They were everywhere and they were beautiful!! I could not believe my eyes! I took pictures! Would’ve taken selfies with all of them but then the rain caught up with us so we kinda rushed through the end. It was b-e-a-utiful! ❀

Here are a few more pictures of what was to be found in this house (which was, if I’m not mistaken, actually three houses?). From the hilarious tapestries to the creepy dresses and mannequins, including dog bones and an amazing candle/chandelier(?).

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Just a special mention for this plate with these beautiful words engraved in it:

Dearest Earth and dearest Sun, thanks for all that you have done. Earth who gave to us this food. Sun who made it ripe and good.

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The Smithwicks Experience

(right across from the street once again hehe)

Then, the Smithwicks experience… What can I say? Our guide, Simon, was literally the best guide I’ve ever had my whole existence! There was something very captivating about him and I swear I actually learned so much about the making of their ales and others, lots of things I had no clue about. He was lovely!

We were shown short films, some machines and lots of barley! We got to taste some wort (disappointingly bland for something with a high sugar content!) and smell different hops. And then, obviously, in the end, we got to taste some of their ale. We bought upgrade tickets so we got to taste all three and man…

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I fell in love with the Smithwicks ales, I must confess. They’re delicious. My most favorite had to be the pale ale because you can really taste the flower in it. But even the red ale, as “basic” as it is, was much more than any other beer that I had in the past. I loved it so much that I bought a shirt to proudly wear!

It was a very basic experience but tasty and like I said, the guide made all the difference. ❀

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Kilkenny Ghost Tour

Now, I’ll tell you a little bit about this ghost tour…

But first, let me just mention how poor Esther and I had our private space violated by a very drunk lad while she was sipping on her ice water and I, on my red Smithwicks(*wink wink*).

We were just fooling around with snapchat filters like one does, and one of the guys just got in the frame. And then, well, you know, the endless chitchat of a very drunk lad. I wasn’t sure if I had to laugh or feel for him; so I did both. Like, big bummer… Do guys just really think life is a fucking buffet and they can just come and pick whatever they want like? They weren’t exactly the terrible type of drunk dudes in a bar but, still, you know, it never feels good. Rude intrusion and the persistence of the pest..!

But anyway, our night just got turned around when we met our guide.

Caroll, was his name if I recall. (But really, it probably wasn’t??..) We walked to him, only to find out that the tour would consist of only the three of us (what a surprise…). Of course we didn’t mind it and I think that actually made the whole night better. Ever since our Titanic experience in Cobh, I tend to get Bill Withers’ song “Just the two of us” stuck in my head whenever we do anything! Ha ha.

Caroll was an amazing story teller and also such a nice guy. We walked around the city learning about witches and banshees, and getting to know each other. The stories were chilling and the company was top quality. I am so glad it was just the two of us, we had an amazing time!

***

The city was beautiful but, honestly, not as attractive to me as Cobh is. It’s lovely but I wouldn’t live there. As a matter of fact, by the end of the second day I was pretty sick of it and just wanted to go back to my sweet Cork! There’s not too much to see but what’s there is worth the trip. Pieces of history, art and heebie-jeebies to be savoured!

It was a wonderful experience, and, I have to say, so far, it has been my most wonderful travelling experience! I made some good memories guys! Yay!! πŸ˜€

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Typical fluffy tourists

 

As you might have already noticed, Dee was indeed with us in Kilkenny! I wanted to bring him with us in Cobh but, sadly, in my hurry I must’ve forgotten him. I was really happy to have him around this time! Esther got me Dee last Christmas and he is like our little mascot almost so I want to make sure he comes on all our adventures from now on!

Here’s a little slideshow of Dee in various places for you to enjoy! ❀

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Now, I’d just like to take a moment to acknowledge how truthfully thankful I am for Esther because, just like pretty much everything happening to me ever since I set foot in Cork, she’s one of those things that I thought I’d never get to know (again). I’ve been through disastrous friendships these past years and my life has definitely been all over the place, mostly down(ever since the beginning of me lolz). And even my first try at friendship here didn’t go so well. But somehow, I still held on to a bit of hope and, by the most amazing magic, Esther and I got together.

Having her by my side during this trip made everything worth it, from walking in the rain with sore legs to enduring a stupid drunk dude in a bar and the two hours and a half bus rides. I mean, she literally made me so happy… Like!

I can’t silence that voice in the back of my mind that keeps whispering “what if it all ends now? what if she too leaves? what if it’s the only way and she doesn’t care as much as you?”. I can’t silence it. But I don’t let it stop me from enjoying it; while it lasts. This whole friendship thing feels very new to me. She makes me happy and treats me like a person, she cheers me up and stops me when I get too stupid and we grab coffees together, we go on adventures together and we… We’re friends. The real kind. The good kind. ❀

We can be happy together, miserable together, silly and also very serious. I’m comfortable around you. You make me feel happier, stronger and God, I swear, I am so fucking thankful. I am glad that I survived long enough to meet you, Esther. Here’s to us! And here’s to more of us!Β  ❀

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P.S.: Can’t believe I almost forgot to mention that! While we were walking in the graveyard of St. Mary’s cathedral, we crossed paths with a black cat. Like…. Wow. It was raining and we were in a graveyard and he just came. At first I was like “spooky!”. Especially since it was on Sunday morning, after our ghost tour the night before! But of course, first instinct was still to try and pet him. He was just at home out there. He was like “move away, peasants” but then he gave in. He didn’t really care for my caresses. He was trying to catch the crows. The big black crows just being crows in a graveyard. Perfect scenery! Ha ha ha

 

Bonus deer:

Weakened fire dying for the weekend.

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A heartbreak. And another. And a lighter one.

Although I managed to stand through it all, it hit me hard and work didn’t exactly happen. Which is funny because I’m one of those that strongly believe that heartbreaks fuel art. I guess that forcing a smile really is self-destructive after all. My heart is muted once again. I’m working on it. I’ll get things out eventually.

This week was slow and fast. This week was heavy but weighted nothing. I survived. Or did I?

I’m glad it’s a new month. Helps me put things in perspective and maybe will be enough a kickstart for me to truly get back on track and work harder.

Today I finished a pastel winter landscape I started a couple of weeks ago. I was following a tutorial to help me understand a few basics. It was great. I’m happy with it. You can see it on my Instagram if you want or it’ll probably pop up on my blog later this month.

I’m still here. I’m still the fire. Just gotta remember how to burn and burn brighter..

A small trip to Cobh with Esther

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Last weekend, on Saturday 13th, I took the train to Cobh with my dear friend Esther, and although it was a very short trip, it was quite the adventure!

I’m not gonna get into the details of it, simply because I don’t feel like it and that’s not the point I want to make with this post. But, I’ll still tell you that we went to the heritage center, learnt about migrations, potatoes, ships and people, we went to the Titanic experience, then the Titanic garden and finally to the St Coleman’s cathedral. Sadly, there’s no getting on Spike Island at this time of year but we’ll be going on the night tour once it opens again!

I had a wonderful day with her and I swear it made me so happy.

I had been to Cobh before and also did the Titanic experience and visited the cathedral that time, but the memories were rather bitter than sweet. I loved the place and the stories, the things; I had a good time and enjoyed most of it but my experience was tainted by the bad company. I knew that going with Esther would be different. And although I had been burned not so long ago, I was willing to give it a shot and it was a good decision. It was amazing and now I can gladly trade those bad memories for those brand new, brighter ones!

It made me realize how much who you are with makes all the difference. It’s not so much the place, the experiences, but rather the company that influences the adventure. I literally went to the same place twice and did the same thing twice but I got out with two completely different feelings because of who I went with.

I remember posting a video titled “The importance of your surroundings?” on my second YouTube channel a while ago which was about unhealthy environments/relationships. It’s not always easy to find the right people for you and I guess that growing up means learning that also. I mean, learning that not all friends are here to stay and not everyone has to be a friend either, and most importantly, that, as much as being on your own can be scary/emotionally draining sometimes, it’s always better than forcing yourself to stay with people who don’t bring light and love to your life (anymore).

Anyways. Esther is a really interesting person. She’s young and passionate, caring, funny, dedicated and she has a mind made of stardust & flying books. We definitely have a bond and I can only hope for it to grow and strengthen itself and for this to turn into a long-lasting friendship. She makes me so happy and I’m extremely thankful that we got to meet and be together that way.

Here’s a little slideshow of a few of my favorite pictures from that one blessed day in Cobh with Esther.

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We have another trip planned this weekend, we’ll stay the night in a hostel this time! *horror movie flashbacks* I’m really excited! My money’s just gonna vanish but, more adventure and surprises with Esther in the open! We’ll be going to another city which is a two-hour bus ride but I’m not telling you any more because I’m still scared of putting the evil eye on my future plans by sharing too much before it happens. Some things really scar you, don’t they!? Ha ha

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I love her! Three cheers for Esther!

Until next post, make sure you tell them how happy they make you and how much they matter. I promise that no matter how much you say/show it, it’ll never be enough and they will always need it. Show love! ❀

Nostrum is 3 months old!

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…And, sadly, this is how she spent the day:

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I woke up with some tension in my right arm this morning and rather than being bold and pushing through the soreness, I made the responsible choice of not touching the guitar at all today. Which was terrible and rendered me under-productive on this merry day! I wish we could’ve had some nice jam time together to celebrate our three months together, but it was for the best…

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Spending my day with the brace on my right wrist brought back some memories of 2016 with Glitch and so much bullshit. I remembered the struggle and I tried my best to be brave through it, and patient. I had my muscle relaxing oil, my special cream, my ice patch and my snuggly Emily around to care for me. Although it did get me very frustrated now and then, I frowned a lot but did not cry, and I had a lovely day with the kids.

I’m not gonna lie, it is super hard to try and force my brain to use mostly my left hand in these situations. Although I have been lately incorporating more and more left-hand activities in my daily life in order to actually become ambidextrous (and avoid any more days like these due to overworking my right hand/arm)… It does not make it easier. Because there is the factor of constraint involved and that makes it harder on me. But anywhoooo, I made it through the day, huh?!

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Mid hide&seek selfie

I still got to work a bit on a DIY cardboard shelf I’m making to gain space in my tiny bedroom(yes, I’ll post about it later on haha). And, after I’m done with this post, I’m going to to do some online Italian/music theory exercises (that won’t involve my right hand) or maybe even do some more left-handed writing if my eyes aren’t too tired. I played some cool games this evening with the kids and we had a very smooth transition to bedtime and they’re sound asleep now. It is my second night babysitting in a row but I’m not complaining; we love each other and it’s always a good time!

Today was a bit of a bummer because I’m dying for hard work right now and there’s always something, and I end up working way less than I intend to! But I should definitely celebrate all my progress and most importantly, celebrate having the exact guitar that I wanted by my side in this moment. She’s a beauty & she’s mine!

It’s hard to believe that she is here with me but, once again, this is fact not fiction and g*d does it feel so good! We’re making progress, step by step, we’ll get there! And I’m happy I have her because, even on days where I don’t play at all, Nostrum keeps me company and just like a good friend, even in the silence, my heart she tends. It’s weird but it’s real.

Happy birthday my dear Nostrum! And here’s to more existence together! ❀

(I’m super tired now, might as well just post this and hop into bed, rest that arm some more! I’ll get work done tomorrow!)

I’ve got a migraine but, oh, how it doesn’t matter one bit.

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Ever since I started keeping my bullet journal (since the end of November), I’ve been noticing a lot of things and feeling more in control of some aspects of my life. And, I will definitely write about it in a much longer post one of these days because I love the concept so much!

So, I’ve been doing some mood tracking alongside my regular tracker and it just goes to show how little things can affect my mood. Now, I don’t think I have found the best way to do it yet. It still needs some perfecting. Because, if there is one thing I understand, is how emotions fluctuate throughout the day and there’s not just one set mood per day and sometimes there are even many coexisting at once. Mood, emotions, they’re much more complicated than a simple “happy face” day or “sad face day”. So I have to keep looking for a better way to track the flux and flow.

December to the left and current January to the right. Anyway. The only reason I’m mentioning this right now is because, as the title gives it away, today I had a moderate migraine throughout most of the day. But it didn’t affect my mood negatively like it usually would’ve had.

 

Having been around the kids for so long now, it’s made me realize that getting cranky when in pain or hungry is a very normal thing. And so, I was surprised today to find my cheerful self not beaten down by the migraine! I played with the kids, I even got some work done and I’ve not been cranky or anything. Sure, I’ve been frowning when it hits and hurts my head. But, I’ve just been doing really good.

Today was the first day back in school for the kids and we did pretty good. Even through the migraine, I mean! We were super on time in the morning and homework was a piece of cake. We did a reasonable amount of playing and cuddling in the afternoon. AND we watched some Bob Ross in the evening while waiting for their mama to come back. (Yeah, those kids are so cool, they sincerely love Bob Ross and so they’re always up to chill and watch The Joy of Painting with me!)

Funny thing is that tomorrow there’s no school. Teacher training day! SO, we’re starting off pretty smoothly. It’s all good!

I’m happy to be back in the routine. It gives me more time on my own and I hope to use it all more wisely from now on and work harder on guitar/voice and all that matters to me!

I’m also really happy to see familiar faces again! I mean, I don’t know them. They don’t know me. But seeing them everyday kind of keeps my life together in a way.You know, it’s that weird stranger relationship thing…

I posted some clips of me singing on my Instagram this morning. Some Halestorm and a lil bit of Sinatra. Goodness! Ha ha I’ve just honestly been really surprised and delighted lately by my voice. It’s just sort of happening before my eyes. It’s coming out again, guys!!! And it gives me so much hope for the future because I’ve made so much progress ever since I’ve been dreaming of becoming a singer! I remember how I used to struggle with really simple things back when I was 16 and now, I can do them and I can do so much more too!

I’m happening!..

One last note, I’ve one small trip planned this weekend with Esther and another one next weekend. I’m looking very much forward to it! Some adventure!! And spending more time with her… I’m just really excited!

Cheers! Until next post, embrace the yellow! ❀

P.S.: I’ve been watching a couple videos on youtube this evening while working on music theory and man… I’m just so excited to start gigging!! I don’t know when but I need it to happen soon! I’m trying my best to work hard and harder because I am simply not good enough right now. So, I need to work towards a good enough level so I can start as a gigging baby! Need to be able to play enough songs and also, I’d like to have a nice amount of originals! But I promise I’m gonna make it happen soon! Hopefully next month!?? I sure do hope so!