Needed to get that out


I’m definitely having a big issue with my Booksie account right now which makes it impossible to access any of my work posted on there. I have no idea what’s going on! I sent a mail in hopes of getting answers; am still waiting…

When trying to log in, they tell me I have no account and if I try to create a new account, I’m being told I already have an account registered with my e-mail address. So, I’m quite lost.
I won’t hide that it’s quite of a kick in the face and it got me a bit down. I put a lot of time creating a little community on Booksie, I’m really not that big, but I know there are people expecting to read my works. And it sure hurts to see all the time you invested in something vanish so suddenly and for no apparent reason. If I did something wrong I’d like to know what it is.
Now, it’s not like my works were lost because of course I have a copy of everything(I’m not crazy to the point I’ll trust a website to keep the only copy of anything that took a lot of  my strength to create). But the thing is I really put a lot of my time in that website, creating bonds and even though I was still a tiny thing in the huge web of writers on there, it doesn’t feel good to be thrown away like that. I would like to at least know why I seem to have been wiped out of their website. I’d like to know what I did wrong. I know myself, I know how I work, and I know that if I don’t get a reason(and even if I get one, actually), I’ll think about it every single night for the rest of my life and it’ll always end up the reason why I can’t focus on something at some point in my life. But still if I’ve been banned or anything, I want to know why.

Safe to say that being unable to log into my account last night and feeling so helpless triggered my “anxiety” or rather the storm inside as I’d rather call it. For it is far from being a real anxiety as the simple word “anxiety” refers to but it’s more like an eight of that but mixed with eighth or quarters of many other different dark clouds. So it’s more like a storm. A big huge hurricane full of so many different things that devastate the dry lands of my mind.
It’s kind of hard to explain especially right now as I’m tired as fuck. But yeah. This tiny little event was enough to shake the dust and now the storm is awaking again. Just when I thought I could make it through the month without having to face any of this dark bullshit inside. I’ve started shaking (moderately) again and slept at least three hours overall last night. I hope it calms down. I hope I get a mail from Booksie and the problem is fixed. I hope the storm leaves me alone a little bit longer.

I’m not ready.


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