The mess on my bed…

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These are the pictures I took of my bed the other day(who does that, huh?). I know it’s weird but bare with me, I’ve got a point to make… Kind of.

On my left were my music theory books and notes(ha!) alongside my tiny sketchbook and notebook. On my right were my pencils, pens, water-soluble pencils, brushes and paint. And in front of me my computer and guitar.

This is just to give a perspective of what I was doing all at once(yes, really). Alright, maybe not really as in really. I was working on many different things at the same time, but one (or two) at a time. Painting, drawing, reading, writing, learning, playing, singing and endlessly drinking water. And well, the mess is a direct consequence of wanting to multitask when you’re a very organized(smell the lie)person. AND, well, the mess makes it easier to think; makes my mind feel at home, ha! 😉

I have this thing with feeling busy. There are so many things that I love/want/need to do and I’m always trying to do so much at the same time and, damn it, I’m not exactly good at that. Ha ha! But I just love feeling overwhelmed! I love knowing I have a thousand things to get done in one day, even if usually that means I’ll end up only doing one thing OR not even an eighth of everything. But I love doing things and I love doing a lot of things. I have this need for positive chaos, the kind that hits you in the face but doesn’t take away the smile. It feels really great to know that I’ve got things to do, the more the merrier.

I guess it might be because of my not-so-long attention span that I have developed this kind of addiction to multitasking. It makes things easier in some ways to know that I can turn left or right every time my focus shifts and do something else instead of just daydreaming(not saying it never happens though). If I feel I’m starting to drift away in a daydream instead of reading my music theory chapter, it means I should take a break, and I can just turn around and draw or work on that damn Chapter VI of Uncage the Night and when I’ll doze off again, I can just play guitar or paint. I think I mostly like the idea of me being productive in spite of me losing focus quickly. It isn’t, however(and quite obviously), a foolproof method and well, maybe all I need is just a companion to do things with me. I usually function better when I work with a (compatible) group. Pack instinct or something, I suppose.

And perhaps it is also because of the almost lethargic state that I’ve always forced myself into(to protect myself?) at school that I find real pleasure in being overloaded with work. Never paid attention at school, never bothered working, still got out alive and with grades a little higher than average though. (And maybe that’s why so many people hated me now that I think about it!). Always forced myself to sleep in, nap during all my free periods(and on concrete stairs, I swear) and literally pretended to be daydreaming to avoid conversations(…rude!). I forced myself to be a very passive thing just to avoid confrontation and avoid anything that could mean some kind of action, not to have to face reality. Which resulted in me wasting most of my days away.

I’ve always been behaving against my own nature, never doing anything of my days, sleeping in, turning down friends who wanted to go out and basically just doing nothing but trying to forget how slow the days could be. I actually love doing things and I have a lot of energy. But I’ve always suppressed it somehow, just so, I guess, I wouldn’t have to deal with the hardest part of existing, i.e. actually living. But I’m done with that. This girl wasn’t me and still isn’t me. So I’m killing her. It can get hard sometimes but I don’t want to be this girl anymore.

Moving to Lille was supposed to be the first step to making my dream come true. And even though things took a lot of different (though expected…)turns, I’m still on my way to make dreams come true. So I got on my feet and said “Fuck!”. I’m doing my best to become the person I want to be and trying each day to kill the lazy monster that I birthed because of school. I’m not afraid anymore, I want to live and I came here to do exactly that. So I’ve got to let go of my blanket and of my endless naps and of my invisibility. I’ve got to work hard to deserve the only life I can imagine myself living and it starts now. It’s about time I let the fire burn inside instead of hiding it away, it needs to grow. I’m killing that girl, she isn’t me.

[ Funny how as I’m typing this, the song that’s playing in my headphones is Asking Alexandria’s A Lesson Never Learned. The chorus goes: Could be the end of the world, I’d still be lying here on my own wasting my life away. Ha ha! No, I won’t anymore. Nice try guys, but I’ve made up my mind, I’m becoming someone! ]

I want to be me. I want to do things, I want to become something. I can’t just keep lazing about while there’s a whole world outside passing by. Things don’t just happen, you’ve got to make them happen, you’ve got to work and prove your worth to the Universe to get the great things in life. I understand that now. I understand that now is the time to work and that the rest and the fun will be deserved one day when I’ll be all sweaty in the back of a tour bus with my bandmates all worn out by a hard week of shows. That’s the day I’ll deserve an ice cold beer, a whole(slices are for sissies)pizza and video-games! That day can only come if I work right now.

I can’t just spend my days doing nothing. I’ve done that for a long enough time, I’ve wasted enough time. I’m still young but time has no mercy. I’ve gotta work hard and also make up for all the years I wasted doing nothing. That was my rest. Now I work until I can rest again, until I deserve rest. It gets hard some days more than others, but I’m killing that lazy monster I gave birth to because I was afraid. And now, I’m allowing my fear to fuel me positively. I’m scared but still fearless, and I’ll jump right in.

Alright, I strayed a bit from my main point here but well, it still was not off topic! So yeah, I feel alive when I don’t have to think about school stuff and just be creative and “productive”. Doing something that actually means something to me and that breathes life into the empty shell I become sometimes, that’s awesome. I’m loving it.

I love being all like “Oh my god! I’ve got so much to do! Where do I start?” and then try to start everything at the same time and fail miserably. And then get lost in a sea of “so much to do” and fucking drown! I love drowning!

I have so much to do right now; I’ve started so many things that I haven’t finished yet(*glazes at Uncage the Night’s Chapter VI*). And, of course, I keep adding things. In fact, maybe I’m insane. But you can’t argue that feeling busy is quite a nice feeling when it’s all things you love! 😀

This is what my bed looks like these days though. I moved to the floor so I have more room to just spread my legs and roll around. And you can also see Crash, my uke, in the center(I got him out as I’ve made real progress on guitar so I’m hoping now I can also get my ukulele playing back). It’s nice, I can just lay everything around me and have a broader perspective of what my choices are. And let’s face it a one person inflatable mattress is no way near the best place to be a hardworking storm, the floor is a waaaaay better fit. The hard floor and all the space it provides, and the stability, the support it gives so freely… My butt says thanks!

(so much words)

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2 thoughts on “The mess on my bed…

  1. Hey babe I’m kind of going through the same thing as you – interested in 10000 things but at times, there’s so many things you love that you don’t have time for everything. I think what holds us back is fear, lassitude and the lack of discipline but I’m sure if we take baby steps each day to better ourselves and the things we work on, it should be fine 🙂 All the best and I look forward to seeing how you progress and grow! 🙂 (btw, tu étudie à l’université à France maintenant?)

    Like

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