Does my existence affect others’ life as much as theirs can affect mine? I hold on a lot to people, whether it be strangers, half-strangers or people somewhat close to me. Like that one guy I used to see every time I ate at my university’s cafeteria last year or just a few people I go to class with.
But they aren’t aware of that, they don’t know that by simply existing they help me fight on, breathe a little longer. When I’m feeling “down” (to put things in simple terms), when going through another day sounds very near impossible, these people actually lift me up without doing nothing but being alive. I can get out of bed and think “oh, it’s okay, I’ll be sick at school but at least I will see duck/I will be with duck“(not real ducks, just cooler than “xxx”) or “I don’t really feel like going out but if I walk I’ll see ducks when I’ll cross the park and that’s awesome”(real ducks, real fucking ducks everywhere).
Familiar faces and familiar voices. I suppose that this is why it helps, because it’s the same, always, it’s something that seem to stay constant and it feels good. It feels good to know that I will see the same face even in a Monday’s hell; it feels like I’m not alone even though that person probably doesn’t see me at all. It can sound silly or maybe even sad but as long as it keeps me fighting it shouldn’t matter, I guess. I hold on to the fact that I can see the same face in a same place and even if it’s not enough to stop me from shaking, it still helps me be there no matter how much I dread the moment my mind will start freaking out.
And, lately I’ve been wondering, am I like that for anyone? Do I matter this much to anyone? Am I the reason someone gathers strength to get out of bed every morning to go somewhere where they hope they’ll see me? Could I be someone’s motivation? Could my existence be the thin thread someone out there holds on to in some way or another? Am I someone’s reason to smile? Do I bring some kind of light into anyone else’s life and how bright is it? I can hardly conceive such an idea, but hey, it’s not impossible.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s the same for other people. I wonder if I’m the reason someone goes to school everyday, if I’m the reason someone keeps fighting. It sure feels nice to think that you could be someone’s (far away) light in the dark, makes you feel worth something. But it surely feels unreal above all.
And then, if I do matter in this kind of way to anyone, I hardly believe that they would say it to me. I know I wouldn’t, because I don’t think it would make a difference to them to know it AND I’m scared they would stop being helpful if they become aware. So I’ll just keep wondering… What am I to them? What am I to you?