My five-year-old brown notebook.

I sat down yesterday with the intention of writing a new song. I had found a nice chord progression a few nights ago and really needed to turn it into something more than just “Simplistic 11 PM thing I did”. So, as my head is quite empty lately in spite of the turmoil inside, I picked up my brown notebook.

I’ve wanted to throw it away many times mostly because I feel it holds me back in some ways by being a tie to the past or something. And again, I wanted to throw it away. Except this time, I really went for it. I opened it and turned the page quickly scanning for things that I could use in the future and ripping those pages to keep them(probably in another notebook who will eventually become another “brown notebook”, haha!). So, as I went through all the black ink for the nth time, saving things that were good enough to probably birth bigger ideas later on, I realized I shouldn’t.

This notebook has been with me ever since I started high school (almost five years ago… wow!). This basically means that it recorded a very awkward state of mind and maybe that’s why I sometimes want to throw it away. Ha ha! It’s mostly filled with my first year of high school’s “song lyrics” which are truly horrible and then a few things from when I started growing a bit up there. And then, there are a few loose sheets; things I wrote these last two years.

It’s really not something I would show to everyone as I’m mostly ashamed of the really shitty content but I need that. I had to start somewhere and this shows. At first it’s really all about a crush I had(super extremely cheesy it would make anyone lactose intolerant or something) and then, it got slightly better as I My Chemical Romance (please come back) opened my eyes and mine to see more than my little self. If you go through the pages the evolution is quite sudden but you’re happy when you reach that second part! I tried harder to write meaningful things, and well, it’s kinda cute in a way… πŸ˜‰

As cheesy and disastrous as it can get, it’s a piece of gold for it is a testimony of my evolution, a reminder of where I started(rather low, if you ask me) and a proof that I can get better. It feels good sometimes to dive back into it and see how stupid I was so as to realize how much less stupid I am now. Also, I’m really afraid of throwing it away because, in all honesty, I’m still hoping that I’ll squeeze some brain juice out of it one day.

I’ve always hadΒ this tendency to keep things, preserving them for a near future where I’ll be a different, older me, and therefore able to see what I couldn’t see back then and make it into something worth the time. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking that way because it’s actually very true! I keep going back to this notebook and bringing to life some empty shells I wrote years ago, shoving some guts in it. And in that state of mind, I keep everything; literally. I can’t count how many scraps of paper I have with just one or two words written on(if I don’t remember what it means, I still don’t throw it away; my future self shall be clever enough to understand). I’ve been taught patience since a very young age, I guess it made me overly(?) hopeful.

This is the concept of maceration/marination, where you leave something to soak in time or some kind of juice until it reaches the point where it’s actually okay for it to be part of this world and serve a purpose. That’s exactly what it is! And that’s why I just can’t throw it away. Not until I’ve squeeze it to the last drop!

If I was a pirate, I would bury my treasure in a beautiful island. You’ll find it, be very excited and open the big chest. A bright light would blind you and with one hand protecting your eyes, the other diving inside, you’ll reach the bottom of it. There, all your fingers will be able to find will be a scrap of paper with a single word written on it: “paper”. You won’t understand and probably rip it apart from the frustration and confused anger(you know what I mean!) of maybe having been trolled. But what you don’t know is that I myself died not knowing what it meant as I had forgotten and kept hoping for my older self to understand. My most beautiful and powerful idea had to be kept away, preserved for a better skilled and wiser self to execute. But alas, that cleverer me never saw the light of the day.

Joke aside, this book really is a piece of gold. It holds memories and many potential songs/poems. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to throw it away, unless I decide so out of the blue and there’s no one to stop me. I want to be in my thirties and still have it and read it on a calm night in a random hotel and laugh my ass off and maybe still manage to find an idea for a new song in there.

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This notebook is really horrible but it’s who I used to be a long long looooong (ohmygodI’mgrowingoldhelpme) time ago and I mustn’t forget. And I believe that the naivety of this silly sixteen-year-old girl will help me remember how important this whole thing is to me in my dark days.

FUN FACT: Back then, I really thought I was something. And I had no need for a band. I wanted to be the one in the spotlight, the queen of the stage. And I truly thought that these “songs”(which I had no melody or anything for by the way!) were going to be my first album five years from then. It really was all about me at that time! Hopefully, MCR came around and showed me a better way of seeing the world and unlocked my empathy. They showed me things I’m really thankful for and helped me build a better mind and love even the darkness in everything/everyone. Three cheers to them! And thank you because if I was still her right now, I would have probably missed out on many things(like cutting my finger probably and being broke).

I’d love to give you a peak so you could laugh at younger me — because really, it’s funny! — but I’m not that brave yet; maybe when I’m older and wiser! πŸ˜‰

(Can’t believe I just wrote more than 1100 words about this notebook! Ha ha! That’s how important it is! But it was probably a waste of time for you if you read all of this, sorry! πŸ˜› )

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