Today’s sunny & hot. My water won’t stay cold and it’s hard to breathe. I can barely gather enough strength to do things I love. Summer is draining the life out of me!
With the overwhelming weight of summer pushing down on me, I’m forced to face the reality of Time. And that, my readers, is that Time flies! So, I thought that instead of spending two hours lying on the floor like a weak and frustrated thing, I should write something. My last post is already 21 days old and it’s also officially been a little over a year I left home. Where the heck did all these days go? I guess it’s the right time for a little retrospection so I’m just gonna sit down for a moment and look back. Feel free to join me while I dissect my long year in Lille! 😉
Last year, after a 10-hour-long overnight flight from Reunion Island followed by a faster train journey from Paris, I arrived in Lille, on August 25. In that little space of time, I had my first time on a plane, first time in a train, first time staying at a hotel and first time being so far away from home…
I’m gonna go ahead and try to laid down the most important things that I went through ever since that day up until now:
The bloody finger
Only two weeks after my arrival, I cut my finger while trying to cut a fucking zip-tie that was really tightly wrapped around a newly bought spatula (which I bought to cook me some eggs). I was using a knife because scissors couldn’t get through! No matter how in control I thought I was, the kinfe slipped and went straight to my left index finger. It bled a lot and I cried like a baby while big drops of blood stained my friend’s floor. I did feel really stupid afterwards!
Two months in, I developed some kind of anxiety and kept having those little panic sessions before class which drained my energy like nothing I had ever known before. This made me dread going to class as I did not enjoy the way it made me feel and I sure didn’t want to experience it every single day. So I had to run away and sleep my days away in the comfort of my house.
I didn’t exactly try to be honest. Even though I tend to forget it (especially after having spent months locked away in the dark of my room and avoiding human interactions other than with my housemates), I’m rather good at talking to people. But this new found anxiety kind of threw all that away and turned me into a really insecure and invisible person. Now, let’s not blame it on this only. I also did not open up to new people because my eyes, mind, lungs and mouth were full of two people to whom I gave a lot of me. They were all I could see and all I felt I needed so I didn’t bother fight the anxiety and see other people. It was all about them. But really, I was always the one to blame, I know that.
Drawing for real
I decided that my Xmas presents for my family would be drawings so that it would be easier and cheaper to send. So, I went to the store and bought the fanciest sketchbook and color pencils I could afford. It was easier than I remembered for me to reproduce images onto paper and I felt good about it. I was proud of my drawings and decided that I should actually get more serious about it because I’ve always wanted to and also because I wanted to buy more fancy pencils! Ha ha.
I started my blog on January 1st, 2016. I also had always wanted to do that! I thought it’d be a good way to encourage my creativity and share it and also document my progress. I wrote many poems the next few weeks and I felt like a goddess (not really). At first it did help me but then I got a bit bored of the way Tumblr worked so I ended up on here. And I love it. 😉
The left-handed transition & Glitch
On January 2nd, I said I’m done waiting and ordered on a rather sudden impulse a left-handed guitar on the woodbrass website. I then paused for five minutes and thought “What the fuck did I just do? IM SO TIGHT ON MONEY WHAT THE FUCK”.
Then, I calmed down and explained to myself that it was for the best. I couldn’t just keep waiting. The Universe was testing me and I had to prove my worth. Sure, this was a bit of a crazy move to make but it had to be done. I remembered the Ed Macauley quote “When you are not practicing, remember somewhere someone is practicing, and when you meet him, he will win.“. I had to start working again.
So, the next three days I practiced writing with my left-hand and tried several different things to get used to using it like an actual thing that I own and not just some random thing attached to my body.
Then, Glitch gracefully walked into my life on the sunny Tuesday 5th! The package was so light I was freaking out all the way from the post office to my house imagining that it was actually empty. Ha ha!
Hannibal & deers
I got really obsessed (don’t be fooled by the use of past tense 😉 ) over Hannibal (the tv show) and I drew so many deer! Then I bought the book series (I’m missing one though!) to be an even more dedicated creep. I finished the show a few days back. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. One cannot imagine how much poesy and beauty there can be in a show about Hannibal Lecter and really graphic murders. Only finished the first book though. Gotta enjoy each bite! 😉
Bought music theory books and began studying it. I’ve always loved learning new stuff but school always made me forget how much (because it sucks!). I gotta admit it gave me headaches many times but it’s worth it all! I understand a lot more things now and well, it’s awesome! I’m only halfway through my book and still stuck at the very start of the big 3 in 1 book for guitar. But I’m getting there!
My first panic attack and first heartbreak in a while
Back in January, I was having a rather bad week. Being on my own a lot, I became kind of withdrawn and just focused on drawing while binge-watching shows and practicing guitar. Then, those people that were everything I knew and that had deserted me for no apparent reason showed up and I felt like a stray dog when they left again.
That night I had a fucking scary experience. I was just, you know, having a nice little evening. Eating, drawing and listening to music. When, all of a sudden I started to hyperventilate and got really scared. Then I started getting paranoid there was someone in the house. It was really horrible. So, in my moment of weakness, what did I do? Well, for once in my life, I trusted the people I loved completely and I reached out for help. But what I got was far from that.
To put it shortly, I was treated really badly. One redirected all the attention towards him and the other kept saying how selfish I was and how she just wanted to slap me so I would stop playing games. This obviously didn’t help me feel better. But it made me really angry and eventually I managed to get myself together ON MY OWN.
I made them my world. Really; they were all I could see and think about. I was addicted and really dependent. I loved them so much and you know what was the crazy part? They seem to love me as much, that’s why I couldn’t get enough of them. They said so many sweet things, promised so many stuffs. They made everything look bright. Well, their perfect glow didn’t last very long and I had already started to stray from them a little while before that. But I didn’t expect that. After all, they said they’d be there, right?
I do feel a bit stupid for having fallen for their disguise. But, that’s the thing these kind of people do best. They lie, they’re covered in lies and wear too many masks, but they make it all seem so real.
My YouTube channel & Booksie account
This wasn’t that bad of a thing as it helped me find the words to finish my song, Bal Masqué! This marked the start of my youtube channel and also a new start for me. It gave me some kind of closure and also a little ego-boost!
I got better at guitar every month but did not manage to record enough videos as I would’ve like to. I still posted a few and I’m amazed by my fast progress! I’m a bit frustrated about not playing enough and not posting enough though. But I just can’t seem to bring myself to write songs lately. Working on that though! 😉
Publishing my writings online also helped me feel a lot better! People commenting and appreciating what I created made me realize that I was actually doing something and it managed to make people feel things too. It’s not like I was just wasting words on paper now; I’m actually sharing what I do and it comes to life! And I love it! 😀
Lost many parts of myself
Obviously, the ‘thing’ caused me to shut down and build those walls right back up. It left me with such an intense feeling of betrayal and I can still feel the bitter taste in the back of my mouth.
I’m not one to let my past experiences keep me from trusting again. I’m all for second chances. And I know that it’s silly to like not give a chance to someone because someone else hurt you in the past. But this time, it’s just out of my control.
I’ve always had a bit of fences surrounding me and you know, see-through walls? But the thing that this did to me is like, it took away my ability to trust, my unconditional love, my dedication, the overall light I used to bring in people’s life. It destroyed something. But I’m gonna build it back up.
I can’t stand seeing all these things that makes me me thrown away. What do I become when all of this is gone? So, I’ve been working on getting all of it back.
I’m the one that helps out friends in need, even if they’ve hurt me or let me down in the past (not those two fuckers though, they aren’t part of my world anymore, out of my mind, out of my heart!). I’m the one that shares, that talks, that cheers. I’m the one that would walk a thousand miles at midnight to a friend’s house to bring toilet paper cos I can’t drive and there probably wouldn’t be any buses or anything to ride. I’m the ridiculously dedicated friend and the open-minded, naive one that would trust over and over and that is fine with breaking as long as I’m keeping others together. I’m the stupid one that believes and I want to remain just that, please!
And I can’t let these selfish people that hurt me badly take that away from me. I still have a few friends and I can still make some more! So Imma dig up the bits of me I can find under these ruins and once I’m done I can go back to building the me I want to be brick by boring brick.
Exams & heavy cage
I passed all my exams without having a clue what was going on. I guess one should be proud but I don’t really feel anything when it comes to this. I’m glad I did cos it makes some things easier for me. But I hate that I did cos now I’ve got to stay for another year (that’s actually mostly cos I already bought tickets for a concert on February but eh) when all I really want to do is like move to another country. But I guess that year will teach me all sorts of new things… Just kidding, my life is a fucking circle, I’m always repeating the same mistakes IT NEVER ENDS! Ha ha.
I’ll try to make this year a better one and a more rewarding one!
My map burned
I saw all my plans go down in flames (once again!) after I cracked a match thinking it was a flashlight. Now I’m lost and have no idea where & when to go next…
That was just like the year before where I had plan going to Lille and making friends and being an interesting person but ended up staying one more year in Reunion Island studying something very boring BUT MADE ONE FRIEND!!!!
Well, this year was supposed to be Lille (again! haha) and friends and cool stuffs. And I had everything sort of mapped out and it was all I could see. But I watched it crumble bit by bit and there was nothing I could do so I just watched like the idiot that I am. The road I had in mind was really all I could see so when it exploded, I was just really lost.
This only reminded me how bad it is to plan the future like you have a clue. So, now I keep in mind that there are always many different roads, many possibilities, not just one set in stone and I just look towards the horizon, see where my feet and mistakes take me!
Alright, I think that about covers it. (Well, I didn’t mention the leak in my ceiling which stole so many hours of sleep! haha) The events that punctuated my year! Phew.
If you’ve read this far I would like to thank you very much because this took me a lot of time to write; hold on, we’re almost done here, I just got a few more things to add! 😉 If not, then, why would I write anything as you’re obviously not reading this, right? Moving on! x)
Moving to Lille was supposed to be the first step in becoming the ‘me’ I’ve always wanted to be and the first step to really fighting for my dreams. And I guess that’s just what it was! Sure, it was a little harsh on me but all the hardships actually got me closer to where I want to be and gave me a better mind set to run to it!
I got to show to the Universe and remind myself how much music mattered to me and did what I thought was impossible: become a left-handed musician! I got to prove my dedication and love for my art. It brought the most stubborn part in me that really knows how to fight for what she wants. And I discovered many other sides of my creativity through writing and painting. And I got praised a lot by my mom! *blushes* Really though. It makes her happy and it makes me happy to see myself coming out of my shell and just, you know, blooming!
I discovered a new strength in me and was reborn thanks to a spatula! I found that power to believe in me and in what I do and to work everyday. I was reminded that things don’t just happen and it’s better to make them happen or you’ll spend the rest of your days waiting for something you could have built on your own. So I kicked my own butt back on the right track, not without a few scratches, and started paving my way. Then I walked through the pebbles that sometimes fell off my own pockets, tripped a few times, fell down and cried but always got back up or at least kept moving on, even if that meant crawling.
I was reminded many times that there is beauty and good in everything. All the blood I bled, the tears I shed, the bones I broke, that hurt! But, look at what came out of it?! Ain’t I stronger? Ain’t I a better version of me? I think I am! It might not have been easy back then, while enduring the pain, but now I see. These were steps I had to take to understand things; these were lessons.
I’ve come a long way and I won’t be sorry for my mistakes on keep on dwelling on it. It was hard to take, horrible to experience but it hit me right where I needed. I might be bruised and scarred but I’m stronger now and I’m ready for the next hits! 😉
Alright, now I know that this post seem to show only the negative shit I stepped in, but there wasn’t always bad. There were really good times were I had fun, I laughed until my belly hurt; really good times shared and good memories. But these didn’t teach me much. I’m not focusing on the “bad” here, I’m focusing on my growth. Flowers also need rain to blossom! 😉
There’s beauty in the ugly, let’s not forget that! I’ll cherish the pain as much as the joy if not more. This has been a really long year full of life lessons and discoveries. If it had to be done I wouldn’t change a thing because that would take away so much good that my struggles have brought me!
Wow! That was really therapeutic in a way, I’m feeling much better now!
Gotta stop here. This is a really long post! Congratulations if you’ve read all the way, you might have learned something about me! Or maybe about yourself! I understand now that when you learn about others, you learn about yourself, whether it be through your reactions or through the mirrors that our eyes hold. So, I hope that if you read, this post did something to you even if that would be just a chuckle at how over-dramatic I can be! 😛
That’s all for now, phoenixes!
Until next post!
Stay strong ❤