It’s been really hard ever since I got back for me to get anything done. Time stands still or runs like a thief, either way I’m left starving on the floor. As much as this is frustrating and irritating because, now more than ever, I really feel the importance of working hard and harder at what matters
to me, I’ve gotta go with the flow. I might not be working as hard as I should and being productive enough to spit on past-me’s lazy face, but I’m building the bigger steps for my future. Then I’ll have to do all the running.
Last week I sold my guitar.
I sold Glitch; last week…
To have money. Although I sold it for a ridiculously low price cos I was in a hurry.
I know it sounds crazy but hear me out, it was to buy a flight ticket back home for July/August…
Oh… So you’re just letting go of your foolish dreams?
Heck no! I’ll be leaving for Ireland in August/September, one way (as an au pair) or another (God help me). So I need to see my family and home before the big jump because I don’t know when I’ll afford to be back there again.
So now I feel really alone. x) I mean, no guitar?! How is one supposed to survive that? I can’t even sing freely confined in this room. My fingers are crying because they are not hurting anymore. And my days just feel so empty! I love drawing, painting and writing stories. And usually I go well about alternating all these activites all day long. But without a guitar around, it just doesn’t feel okay. Because it is all I can do and I’m not really passionate about these as I am with playing music. I love it but it’s like with a guitar-less room, my energy is almost non-existant. I’ve started many paintings and have been doodling a bit in my sketchbooks but I lack the “!!!”. Know what I mean?
Still pushing through though and doing as much as I can even if that means a few brush strokes per day; that’s okay. I might lack the energy and maybe a bit of will too on some days, but as long as I still try I think it’s okay. I know I should be doing more but I really just can’t do more. It’s really hard to explain but really, when Glitch left it left me with an acutal whole in my chest. I will survive but I’m not sure I’ll get my “!!!” back until I have another guitar by my side. So, until then I still do things even if my focus is down to -69% and my energy’s just a ghost I see on pictures and cry thinking about in my bed at night.
Just a little recap of what’s been done-ish:
*I’ve changed the theme of my website but still haven’t dealt with the shitty categories yet. Pretty sure I’ll change it again though. I just can’t seem to understand what it is that I want it to look like. Ugh!
*I’m working on a self-portrait + exploring with new art supplies I bought.
*I’m not actively looking for a host family but I’ve created an account and I log on it everyday to check some families out.
*I’ve money saved for a new guitar which I’ll only afford next month.
*I’ve got a start for Uncage the Night‘s chapter VIII but it’s shit and took me FOREVER. I’m okay with that, I just really need a full first draft of the chapter to be able to write a nice one from!
*I’ve reached out to a lovely woman for singing classes. Nothing’s happened yet but it’s on its way. Safe way to make progress as I’ve barely been working on my singing ever since I moved in this lovely dorm room.
Ever since I got back, I got these uhm…. I guess that’s what you call breakthroughs or is it wake up calls?? I realized a lot of obvious things but you know, the kind that’s too obvious for your to see?
I remember I was sitting at my “desk” and it just hit me. And then I was so mad at myself. This is my third year of college. THIRD. And it’s all been mostly a waste of energy and time! I didn’t learn much if not through the bad things that’s happened on the sides. It’s made my mental health slightly worse than it used to be. I didn’t really make friends; only lost the few I had. I’ve been basically killing myself over something that has literally no value to my eyes. I was so mad at myself because I’m the only reason for that, I’m the mastermind behind all this nonsense. What kind of silly person puts herself through all of this without even once stopping and thinking, hey,maybe I should just stop doing what makes me unhappy and go with my damn GUTS AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING I LIKE AND DOESNT KILL ME INSIDE OR IF IT DOES AT LEAST IS WORTH THE BLOODSHED????
Anyways, my point is that all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere it HIT ME right in the fucking face. Now I’m full of that “done” feeling. Done with my own fucking bullshit but you wanna know the funny part? I’m kind of stuck in the mess I made. I can’t exactly leave right now for many reasons which I won’t waste time typing. So, I really do have to wait for August/September to leave. Fun, right? Where did that past year even go, I wonder…
So that’s just me these days. Done, done, DONE. With pretty much everything. I want out, NEED out. But I’m stuck here for a few more months… I know that I should make the best of the time I have left but I need a way to galvanize this dying body and mind if I want to get anything done. I can’t just lie around and wait, no fucking more. I’ve done that enough. I wanna do things so I will do things. And first I’ll find a way to get some energy back because waiting for my guitar to bring me back to life will drive me crazy.
So that’s it I guess. Now you know. Glitch is gone but I’m getting myself back and I’m taking my life back too. It’s about damn fucking time I realized that don’t you think? I felt so stupid and was so mad. I’m fine now. I’ve actually been doing fine. Really frustrated, but fine. I feel like, even though I didn’t get enough, I did stock up on fuel and candles at home and it’s helping me a lot right now even though Glitch stole a piece of my soul. TTwTT
Let’s hope that next post is either the damn chapter or a poem or a painting or a drawing and not just another that. x)
Until then, take care of yourselves and cherish your guitars ❤