As I type this, it’s all faded a bit but today (well yesterday now that it’s already one am) I was filled with pride and was pretty much high on it. I made a very important phone call . Let me repeat that. I made a call. I call my mom, sister and best friend pretty often so what’s the deal, right? Well, I don’t really know but fear of phone calls is an actual thing! It took me two hours but I did it. I’m still not sure how.
I tried pep talk, I tried to Schmidt my way out of it (usually it works!), music, breathing exercises, counting to three, running to the phone; NOTHING. Really. No matter how much I tried to explain to myself how important it was and how it was only going to bring good and how it was necessary and not so scary, I just couldn’t do it. I’m guessing I managed out of exhaustion. Like it tend to happens often. But anyways, what matters is that I did it!
I called for voice lessons. That young lady was so nice and damn, as soon as she picked up I felt better. Usually it’s more about the anticipation than the actual thing. I think there’s like a ten-second rule or so. Like you know you gotta do something, but if you let too much time fly between the moment you know you’ve got to and the moment you do it, you leave room for overthinking and it can just ruin everything. I know that very well but sometimes I just slip? 😛 Maybe that’s just how it works for me though, I don’t know. But usually, when I make a phone call, I just gotta go quick and click the damn button, then there’s no turning back and I usually manage the conversation. But if I just stop for a second, I get trap in a web of thoughts and my energy is slowly drained by imaginary spiders and it gets harder and harder to do it…
So, I’ll be having my first ever singing lesson on March 2nd. Why so far? Because I didn’t realize that there is a school break happening very soon and they don’t work during these breaks; so there’s only room then. That’s actually kind of cool co it leaves me time to think of which song(s) I’ll bring to work around. And it is also pretty much the most awesome day ever because it is only TWO DAYS after the Avenged Sevenfold show I’m going to on Feb 28th! I’m really excited because this is just the start of it all. I’m going to make so many more things happen and just seeing start happening before my eyes like that it’s… It feels good! It just feels good, man! 😀
I was really proud of myself. For having managed to call even after two hours of light self-torture. But also because I’m taking steps forward and really getting serious at building my own path. I’m really happy right now.
I’ve got a lot of things to be excited about. A lot of things to work on. There’s just the whole world in front of me. I feel kind of “new”? Like, I can see again. I feel very good and ready. I’m terrified. I am! But I’m just so thrilled about this whole journey. I feel fresh. I feel better. I feel strong again. Able again. Free, lightweight, fearless, terrified, galvanized, de-emptied, creative, everything at once and so little of nothing. That’s a change, right? I almost forgot how it felt. Taking my life. Taking back myself and my everending possibilities.
A dark soul, still. But with a bag full of candles and fuel leaking out of my veins through my fingertips. And I’ve finally took one candle out of the bag and lit it up. Now watch me walk till I run till I fall then run again.
Darkness means light. ❤