Bittersweet day

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Today (just realized that as I type this that it’s past midnight… I just can’t seem to get it right haha) got dark really quickly and I didn’t do anything.

It was hard getting out of bed. I had this very long nightmare that ended on a musical number in my highschool AND primary school (melted together, of course) with many people I grew up with and the Jonas Brothers? Yeah, that was unexpected but funny; at least when I woke up. Early morning chuckles are such a nice way to start a day, especially when they echo on the walls of MY EMPTY ROOM. Ha ha. Just kidding. I mean, it is empty but I can’t seriously  exaggerate anything right now; not in the mood. 😛

But as soon as I got out of that magnetic poisonous sponge (okay, maybe I lied. I just can’t control it!) things were great. I picked up my phone and instantly bought the song of Mermaid, Yellow, check it out NOW(it’s only 0.99£/1,21€ to support an amazing band!). I love them so much and Mirela inspires me a lot as a singer and a woman! ❤ I felt really good doing that. It’s such a warm feeling to know that you’re helping and it’s even greater that you get instant satisfaction from it as now I have my own copy of an amazing song!

Anyways. Got breakfast, turned computer on, ready to get back on that self-portrait while there’s still “sun” outside (more like a really bright grey sky yeah) and everything. And then, I’m not sure what happened nor where time went but it got dark all of a sudden.

I was on Avenged Sevenfold’s website and just felt like a millionaire all of a sudden and bought a shirt and the digital copy of their latest album THE STAGE (which I still haven’t listened to… >w<). Now, don’t get me wrong. I had only come for a shirt (yeah that sure sounds “better”) but then I saw that they had a special deal where you got the shirt + the album and it was a great deal that I just couldn’t miss. Figured, hey, that’ll be a nice opportunity to listen to it (FINALLY!) and also support a band that I absolutely live for. So I did.

Then, the sun fell into the ground and my curtains embraced my windows. My room was pitch black. All of a sudden it was the middle of the afternoon and I was doing math, doing my books to be more precise and the whole Universe was being absorbed by a huge black hole sporting the Amazon logo and my stupid Facebook profile picture was shining like a fast food sign above the mass, like a bright marked path to HELL.

(See what I meant by “I can’t control it”? 😉 )

Now, of course, I hear you coming with the “Surely it isn’t THAT dramatic, Chloë.” but hear me when I say YES IT IS. Alright, maybe just tone it down a bit but it’s still a real rock that fell onto my head that afternoon. I was counting and counting and what I saw was the probability (91,47% to be precise; not) that I wouldn’t be able to afford the guitar that I want NEED next month and that I might have to go another month without guitar… Does that still sound overdramatic to you? Well, I don’t care because it is a big deal to me and the only thing I can do about it, well, I can’t do.

I’m already on the verge of losing my mind. It’s just really hard to be without the only thing you care about. And I really can’t sing freely in my room because I can’t take the pressure off my shoulders… The walls are too thin and I can’t be okay with bothering people so I always end up being quieter than I should. This is not healthy.

Anyways. I descended in a pit of darkness and could hear the voices again. Maybe I shouldn’t even buy a new guitar; at all. Maybe I should just go back home and give up this foolish dream. Maybe I don’t need it. And boy did I NOT miss them. Couldn’t shut them off on time, they said their lines then waited and it only took a few seconds for all energy to be drained from my body.

In an attempt to feel better  or at least recharge my batteries, I went to listen to the album which I had downloaded. I dragged my wiggly body to my bed and lied there under my covers, headphones plucked in my top quality phone. It plays the first song of the album which I’ve already heard as it was the single. I’m sooo overwhelmed by the music like really. Tears! Sure a bit from tiredness and discouragement but mostly the music. So beautiful and… I don’t have the words yet. I feel like I’m floating and it feels so good. Wait for it…. Only ONE song? Did I buy only one song for that much money? Or is something wrong with the download?

Of course, my mind was set on negative so I was irritated. I tried my best to keep calm. Was hard, especially when I had to restart my computer twice to finally log onto my account and see what’s up. I sent a mail to the customer’s service and quickly got a reply with a dropbox link to download it. It felt better already. But I was still discouraged. But just slightly; not as dark as before. Still had that bitterness in my mouth though.

Just that one song actually washed away half of the filth I spat onto myself after having touched the evil numbers relative to my money. I was calmer. Still very wiggly though. Hours later (don’t ask me what happened, Idek), I was picking a movie to eat food while watching even if the idea of food didn’t exactly sound okay to me at that moment. I settled for A Street Cat Named Bob and it was beautiful. It moved me so much and I loved every bit of it. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend or maybe read the book or do both? Worth it!

As I finished the movie I checked a bit my Facebook feed and came across a gem. A beautiful bright one that came to me right when I needed it! A new song from LIGHTS and Steve James called Warrior. And that was, well, the cherry on a bitter cake.

I had a really long and negative day but I survived. And good actually came out of it. I helped a “baby band” which is growing so fast ( ❤ ), I ruined myself in the name of metal ( \m/ )… again!, I cried in front of a movie with a cat (for a change 😦 ) and I got some more fuel from LIGHTS ( 😀 ).

Also, after a really dark moment full of panic I rubbed my feet on the ground and reminded to myself that even if I can’t afford a guitar next month, I ‘ll still have the singing lessons and I’ll just have to be less quieter in my room (At least I’m not yell-crying like that couple on the 4th floor when they argue, it’s just singing and not so bad most of the time so turn it up! Just a notch though. I don’t think I can overcome the pressure I put on myself not to bother people with my existence. Wish the walls were thicker!). I’ll get that guitar eventually, i.e. SOON. And no, I won’t settle for a less expensive one. I’ve fallen in love. I’ll get her. And then I’ll have to work thrice as hard. Good times.

Anyways. That’s a really long post. I don’t think anyone reads these. x) At least I hope you skipped to the song:

 

Eyes open wide ❤

 

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