Yesterday I got angry at a lot of things. Memories, people, myself and whatnot. Then my anger focused on a very recent event and I managed to let it out through art, painting to be exact, as I clearly doesn’t have a guitar to calm me down anymore. I painted a really beautiful piece which I was really proud of and entitled it “Angry blue heart”. I was hurt –still am– and got it out on paper through violent brushes strokes. Yes I literally just beat a piece of thick paper with a big brush. It’s called art.
Anyways. I felt better from having finished and also from seeing the really nice thing I had just created. Of course, as I usually do, I picked up my phone to take a picture of my painting for it to be shared with whomever dare look. For I believe that art only truly lives once it is shared with a soul other than the creator’s. I snapped a picture and realized it needed more light for the colors to show. I then proceeded to turn on the lights as the grey sky outside definitely wasn’t enough for this painting. I tried again, still not. Then, I went on trying several different positions. Tried to hold my painting up, down. Stick it to a wall. Balance it on my kitchen sink. Take a pic while sitting on the toilets. Nothing was ever enough for the colors to show.
I was already in a fragile state of mind, so needless to say that I had a headache pretty quickly. Those pictures were getting on my nerves. No amount of trying could fix it and it was just so frustrating. So the “best” picture I got was on the kitchen sink, my painting balanced on a plate and resting on a glass with all the lights on. And it still isn’t enough. (And btw, now my kitchen light doesn’t work anymore. I don’t know when I’ll buy a new freaking neon cos they aren’t cheap and DARKNESS MY LOVE)
This is something I struggle a lot with. Sure, I can hear you coming all “Just save money and buy a better phone or an actual camera, you loser.”. But yeah, I’m already saving for the cheapest most expensive guitar I can dream of so I hardly see myself buying a new phone anytime soon. My phone still works okay. “Then, stop complaining.” Nope. I can’t stop complaining because I’m bathing in mediocrity all the while wearing designer clothes. Say what again?
I make art, okay? I’m usually really proud of what I create and love to see my own progress. I’m proud of my art and I want to share it, NEED to share it. But the problem is, my pictures aren’t of very high quality and it just never truly displays the effort I put into my art and that hurts me to some extent. I see it, it’s pretty, it’s gone through a lot, yet it shines. But on the picture, it looks so different and you can’t tell all that. It’s just like me sometimes actually. Ha ha! Mirror? Yes. Picture? NOPE.
I don’t mean to make a big deal out of it, even though IT IS. Usually I can take pictures that are actually fine enough to show off my art. But this one just doesn’t even get to that “fine enough” level. None of the colors actually ever appeared the way they truly are. It’s horrible. I know what I can do to fix this issue but it’s not my priority right now. My priority right now is a guitar. So, I guess it’ll have to wait…
I just wish I could show you guys what it truly looks like, because I really put a lot of time and effort into these and I wish my pictures could truly demonstrate that… Like the pictures I took with my little brother’s tablet back in Reunion! Those were awesome and you could really see the awesomeness of my watercolor!
Alright, just had to write that down so I feel a bit lighter. It just bothered me so much yesterday that it poked my still frustration well and now it’s all restless again. But I’m done now. The shitty pictures will have to do until I can take better ones. 😉
P.S.: I still haven’t sorted my categories yet so this whole blog is still a giant online mess. But I think about it often. Just have to get to it. 😛
P.P.S: I’ve already mentionned this on twitter but I received my new set of painting brushes today. They’re like really long! Which actually doesn’t turn out so annoying when working on A4 paper (just wait until I poke my eyes…). I tried them a bit earlier while on Skype with my mom, with my self-portrait which “doesn’t look like me but has my eyes but isn’t ugly just is lacking something” according to the momma. Will try to finish that thing soon!