(WARNING: There’s more than two pictures of my face in this post what)
You know how some things you just know to be true and don’t need no proof or anything? Well, that’s one of those things.
I’ve always known that music is what drives me and fuels me. I was making up my own (embarassing) songs as soon as I knew how to talk. Just ask my mom, she loves telling these stories. :-p It’s always been there. I’ve always known.
I’ve always known that music was what I intended to devote myself to but with school and fear and just, being young and not really knowing better, I denied it. I used to tell it only to my mom and sisters that I wanted to sing. But as I grew up, I gave up the idea. Not because I lost interest in music (
how could that happen?) but because, even that young,
I realized that this wasn’t what people wanted to hear. And also, I truly feared the way others would look at me for choosing the crazy path and the questions they would ask. I didn’t want to be questionned, and judged, and mocked… I dreaded it, so I just gave in and shut up.
Instead, I decided that I would say that I want to be a teacher. I would lie so they would be happy but it wouldn’t change how I felt inside. And well, at some point, I actually had completely given up the idea; victim to my own game. I wanted to be a vet. I still sang everyday while doing my homework but that’s it. Then, obvisouly, it popped right back out like it should.
Still, when it came back to me I kept avoiding it. “Subtly” fleeing from what I can’t escape, my true nature. I made plans that on the surface, and the way I’d explain them, sounded kind of coherent, but really were just me hiding because I was terrified. And actually, those plans only sounded coherent to me because I wanted to believe they were. Because, honestly, if you go to someone that tells you “I love music and I want to be a singer. So, right now I’m studying drama and next year I’ll be going to college to study Hebrew (which I did not end up doing) and no, I’m not doing anything music-related on the side”, you don’t think that makes any kind of sense, do you?
I was just running because this is a scary thing to want and also a very big thing and I’m so tiny. I would just create these excuses of plans and say to myself that they would actually benefit me in some ways and even if not directly affect my musicianship, at least teach me about life. Well, I wasn’t so wrong about that; I’ve had my fair share of life lessons. But what I was stupid to do was put the one thing I actually want on the side, like a simple hobby, and put all these other things in the foreground. Not only was it stupid because, well, it’s my main goal but also because that actually forced me in places where I didn’t belong and brought me more misery than I already create on my own.
I forced myself into these spots and just drained the energy from me, struggling to survive in environments where I just couldn’t fully bloom. It also was really challenging my patience as I’d always end up counting the days before that segment of hell would end by the first to second week of it. I’d then just remain in the waiting room. Waiting for this stupid choice to be over so I can move on to something else. And then I’d make another stupid decision which eventually lead us to now.
This past year, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with that “done” feeling. Done with waiting. Done with the hiding. I want it and I want it now. Except that I’m actually stuck here for three more months now as I just can’t get out of a stupid decision like this. So, what I’m filled with is more frustration as I now have this growing will and need to do all it takes to be better and become the me that I want but am stuck here.
I’m older now and I’ve finally completely given in to my own desires. I’ve always known but now I am ready to fight for it. Because I see that there is truly nothing else that I want this much. This is who I want to be and I can’t change it. No more hiding. I’ve been feeling a lot better and confident since I decided to put an end to that bullshit and it’s awesome. 😀
As much as everything seem to be crumbling around me lately, I know that things are just falling into place. Destroy to rebuild or something. It’s just making way for something better, something bigger. I’ve had people walk out of my life and tough times, and new decisions, and it’s all just making way for something better; my brighter dark. I’ve finally gotten myself to run in the right direction and that’s cool. Running is all I do, but now I can sleep soundly knowing that I’m actually aiming at what matters.
I’ve always known but I just needed to get slapped in the face. I needed a reminder, not a proof. I needed fuel for my fire that I so subtly murdered. And so far, this month has been full of it, and it’s just the start of it all…
The music still resonates in my soul.
I saw Avenged Sevenfold (+ Chevelle & Disturbed ❤ ) which you can read about here if you haven’t/want to. It exceeded all my expectations and surprised in more ways that I could have imagined. It awoke things in me and filled me up with some nice energy.
I felt a lot of things and understood a lot of things that night. I belonged there, in that crowd, in the dark, out there, where the music is. Seeing these dudes on stage and all these souls in the crowd, it was beyond magical and more than a wake up call, it was fuel and a proof.
Beyond the headache and the ringing in my ears that haunted me all day after it was over, it’s the feeling it left me with. Ever since I walked out of the venue, I’ve been feeling different. I saw my heroes IRL and one of them hugged me; guess it was the best slap in the face I ever got. Sure, that was amazing and I’ll never forget. But the real important thing that happened in me is that I deeply realized that I am right. This is who I want to be. This is where I want to be. It just washed away any doubt and any negative fear I had. All that’s left now is fuel.
Also, last Thursday I had my first voice lesson! I wasn’t anxious at all as I was still very high from the show and it went amazing. I mean, it was a first lesson so a lot of talking and just getting to know each other. When it came to the singing I tensed up a lot and wasn’t able to sing Ain’t It Fun so I ended up singing Girl Crush (Little Big Town, although I’ll admit that I prefer Halestorm’s version over the original :3 ) and it felt better. I was still tensing up but a little less as I didn’t have to go so high or anything and eventually relaxed a bit. But yeah, it was a first time so I didn’t exactly go all-in because I need a little time to be okay with a new person! 😛
This lesson was true fuel too. The teacher is amazing. She’s really nice and gosh I loved it when she sang to me because she has such control and everything is there (like it should! x) ). Ha ha! And she told me something that boosted my confidence. Sure, there’s a lot of work to do here, especially when it comes to the tensing up and also the open-your-goddamn-mouth-Chloë part. But she said she saw real potential for power and that I had really nice voice, a nice tone. And, well, it felt really good. It’s not the first time that someone tells me this. I’ve been told before that I do sing well and so on, just never from an actual professional and with these specific words, you know? It meant a lot and I’m really excited for the next lesson, which will be on the 16th. This only “confirmed” my hope if I may say that I can be a better singer and only gave me more hope for my future!
I don’t know if I’m going to keep working on Girl Crush or if I’ll find another song. But what I know is that I really can’t wait to go back and explore and let go and just, climb that next step!
Also, I’ve been considering actually NOT buying a guitar… I know, it sounds crazy to me too… But I actually only have three months left here in Lille, then I’ll be back home in July and a bit of August where there will be a guitar (right-handed one, but it’ll do) and then when I’m back I’ll have to get ready to leave for Ireland. So I thought, I could just keep saving the money and buy it later, once I’m in Ireland maybe. That way, I can focus on the voice lessons and I will be travelling lighter. Not saying it’s set in stone yet, but I’ve been considering it; a lot.
So yeah. March has always been a pretty shitty month for me but this year, it’s the one that is bringing the wind of change. Tomorrow I will be meeting Kim in Paris and this is going to be awesome too! I’ll probably have a few pics to share on Insta or maybe even on here. 🙂
I’m really thankful for what is happening to me. The wake up calls, the pain, the tears, the people leaving, the BRIAN HUGGED ME, everything, really. It’s all just been so real. Not all rainbows and butterflies but amazing nonetheless. These past four weeks have been more eventful than my three years of college put together. That show fueled me real good and just made all the pains and bullshit I’ve bathed in these last six years seem so little. I’ve been having real hard times too but really, I’m just not afraid anymore. Not afraid of hurting and not afraid of becoming who I want to. This is all been amazing and I really hope I will keep making the best out of this month! I’m making my own path cos my shoes were too big for the ones already paved. 😉
Here’s to all the joy that is to come, all the things that I’m alive to feel, more fuel to my fire. I’m just getting started. ❤