I have this book. It’s always with me, in my bag, no matter where I go. I’ve had it for a few months now but never actually started reading until a few weeks ago! And I still go very slowly about it. I’m barely four stories in. It is a book that I have always wanted to read, so you’d have expected me to devour it as soon as I’d lay my hands on it (like I did Red Dragon), but I didn’t. I barely touch it and when I do, I only take the smallest, slowest sips. But it is always with me.
In my bag. On my desk. On the chair covered in clothes near my bed. In my hands. Between my teeth. On the shelf. On the floor. I always have it around even though I’m usually not reading it. It’s just here. Like I need it to be.
Usually, when I pick it up and actually read a few words is when I’m outside waiting for something, sitting somewhere, and probably panicking inside and trying to keep it together. Or just trying to make time fly faster! (But I’m trying to bring back the habit of reading before bedtime, because it’s a healthy habit and it feels very good also!) And that’s about it. I’ve had it for over seven months now!
I never realized how important this book was to me until Monday afternoon when my “doctor” called me and told me it seemed I had forgotten my book on his desk. I had forgotten my book. I left my book on his desk. I forgot my book…
I was suddenly assaulted by a wave of “HOW?”s and got very anxious. How could I have forgotten it? I always check behind me when I leave somewhere to make sure I didn’t forget anything. But…
I remember putting on the desk when I arrived. And, then… I didn’t pick it back up when I left. I took my jacket and back on the chair and I just left. I didn’t look back to make sure I had everything with me. I just walked out the door and left. But, how?? Right? Well, I was already having a hard time getting through that day, I was exhausted and the talk we had just left me slightly weakened I guess. So I forgot.
I forgot my book! The worst part is that I didn’t even realize it! I was so caught up in thoughts and blurriness. And then I was thinking about my painting and… Never once did I realize that something was missing until that phone call. But once I did, I just collapsed. I didn’t know it before, but this book actually contributes greatly to my well being by just being around. And without it, my room seemed emptier and I just felt lost and terribly anxious.
When was I going to have enough courage to go back there and get it back? Was I going to wait until my next appointment in 600 years? How was I supposed to live in that room devoid of guitar and now missing that tiny little bundle of dead trees and ink? I was terribly sad. Sadder than this day had already made me.
And well, I sat down and let it sink in. And I realized.
This book was my thing to look forward to, in a way. I had all these stories which I yearned to read with me, all the time, and the possibility to read any at any time. I knew that I could always turn to my book if I ever felt anxious in the bus, alone in my room, or just feeling like everything outside and inside of me was assaulting me. I hold all these stories greatly to my heart even though I have never read most of them because I don’t doubt their perfection, and I could just pick one and drown in it anytime I’d feel like it. It was always there and that felt good knowing it.
Also, I guess, always having it around had some sense of familiarity to it. I was used to seeing it, touching it, feeling its weight in my backpack. And that’s very important to me. Things that are constant, that don’t change, that are always with me. They keep me grounded and make me feel safe and not like a blurry bubble of darkness floating away.
And there’s that ritual of always putting it in my backpack, then taking it back out once I’m home and putting it on my desk and eventually moving it on my bed. (But never reading it! haha) That’s also important. It gives me the tiniest sense of purpose and like I’m in control.
All in all, it was an anxiety reliever and a best friend. And having it snatched from my shaky hands made it clear how it was a vital part of my days and contributed greatly to my getting through the waves. Well, I forgot it, so it was all my fault. Nobody snatched it from me. My carelessness did… I still can’t believe it that I just forgot about it like that. I took it for granted that’s what I did.
Anyways, worry not! Today, with the great help of my best friend who stayed on the phone with me all afternoon, I went and got my baby back. The doctor had left it in an envelop with the lady at the front desk and I honestly thought that having it back would involve more conversation but it didn’t. Phew! I was so happy to have it in my hands again. Ripped the silly envelop off and threw it away (in a TRASH CAN!, of course, because I care about Mother Earth ❤ ) and there it was…
Back in my hands again, my long lost friend.
I had a horrible night last night. I worried about what I could do before sleeping now that the book I never read wasn’t here for me to read anymore? Nothing felt right. Then, I had the weirdest dreams because I’m so tired lately and mostly dream about food, conversations I am going to have the next day, taking out the trash,
the a7x concert, or just doing the dishes. Life without this book is unbearable.
As soon as I got back home, I did what one does when being reunited with such a good friend after sooooooo long and I took a thousand pictures with my laptop. I had a photoshoot with my book to celebrate our reunion. I love it so much! 😀
Quite an adventure, huh?! Got my book back and, luckily, it hasn’t lost any of its comforting powers and the safety waves are still a-flowin’! Now, I can go outside again and not feel so naked. 😛
This books provides solid ground to stand on when my vision blurs and I start to quake. I need it around, just to look at it and acknowledge it as a fixed point that keeps me chained to reality.
And I also love knowing that this compact little thing holds so many worlds inside of it, each filled with different shades of gloom and strange characters, and knowing that I can just dive in, no matter where I am, to escape whatever it is I’m running from. The stories are really great, so well-written and I just love everything about this book (and more). 100% would recommend to anyone that hasn’t read it or just remind those that have to maybe go back and re-read it because it’s such a piece of art!
Reunited at last… ❤