None of my worries is the least of my worries.
All my worries are on the top shelf and constantly flooding my mind.
I’m replaying everything in my head all the time.
From the tiniest detail, like that time I knocked over two plates of colored beads in kindergarten and had to stay during recess to clean up my mess.
To really heavier ones, like that time I made my mother cry.
In fact, when I say “tiniest detail”, I don’t mean it from my point of view. I mean it from most people’s, I guess. For me, all of these are as big as the other though I can make the difference between bigger ones.
They’re replaying in my mind most of the day. All the while I’m busy worrying about now and what’s next; what once was is always there, what happened haunts me all day long.
Sometimes not and I feel lightweight and I feel like I can go on and be reckless again and feel fine.
But then it comes again, at any random fucking hour of the day and it doesn’t stop. Not until I’ve collapsed under the weight of how my teacher called me out for daydreaming back when I was 7.
Everything sticks with me forever and I can’t just scrap it like a gum on the sole of my shoe. The darkness haunts me forever. I have all these creepy bugs with their small legs carefully buried in my scalp and there doesn’t go a day they aren’t hungry for some brain goo.
And when my mind obsesses over something good, how does that turn out, you ask? Well, it eventually figures out a way to darken the scene and have the prettiest flowers smell like rotten meat.
I hope I’m not my only friend because it seems I don’t want me to be happy. And fighting against myself sometimes just seem so pointless. I’m all I have, so why should I wage war upon me?
This endless worry flood has me sailing away on a self-destructive path. And I go with the flow.
All this dead water that infiltrates my lungs has such a bittersweet taste that I can’t even begin to think of letting go of.
This familiar taste, I could fight till the end.
But maybe I don’t want to win.
Maybe I just want it to flood me, just like that, and drown.
Because there is nothing sweeter than defeat and surrender to the storm.
I tried to work on Uncage’s next chapter tonight but I just couldn’t do it. My mind was too busy. And, look what I managed to vomit onto my keyboard. Isn’t it wonderful? Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Images. Words.