“What have I become?”, I asked myself as I snuggled up in bed last night.
And possibly every hour that I spent in Kenmare with my host family last week.
I enjoyed the scenery. It reminded me of my island a bit… It was truly beautiful! The mountains, the ocean, the sheep; all of it. Beautiful!
But I had a hard time sleeping which resulted in my energy to be through the floorboards (isn’t that the opposite of “through the roof”? It should be!), which in turn made everything harder on me.
I was happy to see my host family enjoy themselves, also. The kids were so happy to be with their cousins and with all the activities they did! It was lovely to witness!
Just kinda wish I had been having the time of my life also… Maybe another day?
But as I sat in the background, appreciating the joy and liveliness of those around me, all I could think about was work…
I thought about all the work I could be doing every time we were having dinner at those fancy places. I thought about all the work I wanted to do. And I just couldn’t wait till we got back home so I could get down to work!
And it sounds crazy because I’ve never been that way.
So, “What have I become?”, I asked myself. And the answer is simple actually. I’ve not become anything, I am becoming. I am becoming the person that I want to be and my mind has finally set its priorities.
When I say “work”, of course I mean guitar and voice practice. When I say “study”, of course I mean music theory. I have finally let go of all the negative thoughts that I used to associate with those two words, work & study, because they are now simply centered around what matters the most for me. It’s what I want to do, not school work that meant grating my soul like some cheese on top of my dried out brains.
Not that I have forgotten how to have fun, but this, “work”, is fun. I’ve never been one for parties and holidays anyways, so what’s it matter? Ha ha (jk)
What I mean is that I genuinely enjoy working, as frustrating as it gets sometimes, because that is the hard work I have to do before I get to do the harder (and cooler) work. And I enjoy doing it, because it is fun and also because I can feel myself moving towards my goals and that’s good, guys.
Music is all I’m about, so, of course I get a little sick when I can’t do any. And surely, with dreams as big as mine, of course I must panic and die a little each time I realize my time is not being used wisely to progress in their direction.
Now, don’t worry, this doesn’t mean I don’t allow myself fun and treats. At all. It just means my eyes are locked on that ocean that I wanna sail as I do my best to walk towards it.
When I asked myself, “What have I become?”, last night in bed though, it wasn’t with that little pinch in my heart this time, no. It was with a smile as I realized that it was all right. I am all right.
I have that passion inside, that drive, like a starved soul, that pushes and pulls me, drags me to where the music plays. A strong appetite for what my insides look like(??).
I am all right, I just intensely and desperately need to do the things that make me breathe deeper and feel lighter, to be in my element.
It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fine!
Today was a great day full of surprises and I am indeed happy to be back into the routine. As much as it doesn’t fully satisfy all my needs, it’s what I have for now and I love it. I’m so ready for all the work!
Gonna work on those songs, new theory chapter, get familiar with the minor scales on the guitar, finish Uncage the Night, work on my Italian, do some sketches and lots of thinking! Yes, yes, yes!!!
Until next post, make sure your appetite for life is intact! ❤