The right to sleep.

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Life is a constant struggle. Ain’t it?

There’s always so much you want to do and always so little time. And it’s so easy to get distracted or lost and waste that time in very silly ways. This is what I’ve been wrecking my brains over lately: trying to use my time wisely. Which is mostly why I picked up on the whole bullet journal trend!

You know I’m all about… everything, right? If you look at my tracker, you’ll see music theory, guitar, voice, art, writing, reading and Italian fighting their way into my daily life. And, of course, on top of that you have my desperate needs to keep a social life and a healthy body. Of course, you’ll tell me, it’s hard to manage all those things at once, why don’t you pick one? And I would probably very rudely answer, “No.”

I don’t wanna and I won’t. Because that’s not the issue. There is enough time in a day to fit at least a consistent 75% of these. It doesn’t have to be everything at once, but a nice amount of… a couple of them. Or maybe just one but really intensely then. Or maybe I’m just delusional… yes

The real issue is that sometimes I get lost in silly daydreams and I let my time slip right outta my hands for a hollow ephemeral mental bliss. It’s like a fucking drug, I swear. I’m trying to fight that because it is not the healthy type! And it’s also double-edged because in the end it brings more pain than pleasure, and more anxiety than peacefulness as I panic over all the time that I just lost.

As I’m really serious about those things, I want myself to be sincerely dedicated to them to make them move my way and as fast as possible because I’m getting tired of waiting! And sometimes, I get really tyrant-like with myself…

I’ve got this really unhealthy belief that I do not deserve rest or distractions or treats unless I have worked what I consider a considerable amount that day. I do realize that I need sleep though to be able to go on and keep working hard the next day. But I do go to bed feeling really guilty and shameful if I haven’t done at least half of the work that I had in mind for the day.

I’m working on it, don’t you worry. But easing the grip around my neck doesn’t mean self-discipline is out of the door. I still think that treats are earned. Sleep, on the other hand, should not be on the bidding table(is there such thing?).

Anyway. I’m writing all of that just to dramatically state that tonight, I have earned the right to sleep.

This day started out pretty “meh…”. Bad vibes and then, I’m not going to lie, a lot of dancing around and fooling around instead of serious work. And then it got turned around. Although I only had a mere hour and a half out of my four hours of daily morning free time, I did kick the shit out of it.

I didn’t work so well on my voice or guitar. But I practiced the two songs that I have been learning (Girl Crush by Little Big Town and In the Mourning by Paramore), in order to perform for my host family and eventually at an open mic session or something. Just to get me started. And it’s taking me forever And I posted a cover on my YT channel. AND I got yet another song idea!

This afternoon, I filmed bits and pieces for a video coming soon on my second channel. AND, I posted a short update video saying I’m not dead and things are alive again.

And then, tonight, I have completed the first draft of the last chapter of my story Uncage the Night. And I posted here on the blog, aka the place to be! 😉

This is why, I have earned the right to skip my Italian revision tonight and go to bed (still gonna read a bit first, though) before eleven!

It feels good to get things done! And it feels bad to waste my time. Why isn’t it so simple as to just stop doing the things you know are wrong? Meh; where’s the fun in that?!

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Until next post, sleep, my dude! ❤

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In the Mourning by Paramore||cover

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I posted a cover of a Paramore song on my YouTube channel today, and it’s not perfect.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it is terrible. I know it’s okay and that I am actually good at the things I love doing. But that doesn’t make me any less aware of my mistakes and when there’s room for improvement.

What I am saying is that I am simply not ready to actually perform this, not even just to my host family. Ha ha But I’m getting there!!

There were mistakes that could’ve been avoided and I could’ve simply tried again for a better take. Then why did I post it? Because I wanted to. Ha!

Although I know I could’ve done better, I’m still happy with what I did. And posting it online just helped me realize that I have indeed been working. I had a really slow morning where I felt like I wasted most of my time and I was beating myself up over it. But after I posted this on my channel, it showed me that I was actually doing work and trying hard and that I needed to chill my horses.

That’s why I keep posting clips on Instagram and sometimes unpolished videos on YouTube, because it comes with instant feel-goodness. There’s a faint feeling of fulfillment whenever I post it, no matter how much room for improvement there is. I’m like, “yes, I did a thing” and what better thing for an artist to make a thing?

Also, I need to keep track of and document my progress as I go. Not only because I’m lacking storage space on my phone. (hehe) And honestly, I think I am responsible for than half of the views on my own videos/posts because I’m always going back to see where I come from and how much I’ve improved!

Like Philip Toledano put it, “there are two requirements to be an artist: to be narcissistic and to be delusional. Can’t lie; I’m guilty of both to some extent. Let’s not forget a pinch of self-doubt and an exaggerated amount of perfectionism? Alright, I’ll work on my definition…

Anyways. I’m over waiting for it to be perfect to put it out there! People need to be aware that things don’t happen overnight, that the road is long and also that humans are only humans. Just put it out there. You’ll get better, and that way, it’ll show.

Until next post, don’t be so hard on yourself! ❤