There’s a fire in my bones, fire in my heart that guides me through the dark.
With one of the kids being off school earlier than usual today, my morning free time was halved. It wasn’t a surprise or anything, in fact, I was already prepared mentally for the struggle of it all. However, I feel like I didn’t make the most out of it… And, although I did do the work I had planned, I was left rather disappointed and frustrated by the end of it.
The truth is that, with the kids’ holidays last week, I hadn’t sung/played the guitar for more than nine days, and it left me rusty. And it’s always a hard pill to swallow when I come back from such a long break to find my voice all flat and powerless. I tried to power through it this morning, though. But I was so out of shape and the energy wasn’t there so it all came out wrong. And even though I did work, I felt like I hadn’t.
I can’t hide that it bothers me oh so very much not to be able to work quite as hard as I’d like lately, especially after this long break where it feels like it’s necessary to grind even harder! But I’m still trying to find comfort in the actions and reassure myself that, although I’m not doing as much as I’d like, I’m still doing something and that’s good. Even just a little bit everyday makes a huge difference in the end!
I’m flying for my official holidays this Friday and I’ve just been really focused on the idea of practicing as much as I can before I leave. I know I will still be able to work on my voice once I’m there, but it won’t be the same, as I won’t have all the theory books and my guitar and all my stuff…
But it’s just been so hard for me these past few weeks to get anything done at all! I blame it on the sun and the heat, which, even in very low doses, can render me pretty much useless. I don’t think it’s just that. There’s probably a lot of stress hiding in the shades also. About traveling a long way on my own, Esther leaving, all that’s to come after, etc.
And, I think that’s gotta be the main thing really that might make my body and mind so restless that they can’t focus on those things they enjoy so much! It’s all that I know will be coming after the holidays, when I come back and start setting the first stones to build this empire of mine. I am scared. I am excited. And I certainly am worried in ways I don’t think I’ve ever been before.
I’ve been trying to get down a rough esquisse of a plan to reassure myself, but so far, it’s proven harder than I thought it would. Because, as much as I’m all about “Fuck plans!”, I know that having kind of the big lines of the start of this big thing written down before my eyes would help me cope better with the idea of dreams becoming reality! And I think I’ll only be able to do that once I am back home, as the distance will give me a better view of the bigger picture!
And anyways, you know me, I’ll keep trying through the frustration and despondency. Even if that means I have to fail everyday. Because there’s nothing else I’d rather do and there’s nothing else worth getting tired & bruised over. I only have three days left, and I will try to fit as much theory and practice as I can into what’s left of free time until then. Tomorrow is theory day so we’ll see how that goes for me!!
Even if that means I have to fail everyday, I’ll keep trying.
I hope that these three days get to be filled with as much vocal practice and theory (and Italian) as my dream-filled mind can allow in this very blurry moment of my life!
And same for you, reader! I hope that the rest of your week is filled with whatever it is you need/wish it to be. And I wish you to feel very content with the way it went as you take off your shoes on Friday night, ready to enjoy the weekend. I hope you shine really bright and that your days are sprinkled with many lovely little details to make you feel complete. ❤