It’s 11:11PM as I type this and I just made a cup of coffee, and it reminded me of this beautiful song! Check it out:
This should be a short post but there’s a 99% chances I end up writing way more than I intended to! Ha ha!
These three girls are amazing, huh? One of the bands I grew up with. Love them! 🙂
So why would one sane person make coffee at such a late hour?
- Who said I was sane?
- When is late really late?
- I completely fucked up this day(and the previous one too, actually) and I want to make up for it.
- I’m getting really tired of my own shit.
There you go. This is mostly it.
That storm, whatever shit it is full of, won’t leave me. It’s stuck with me for most of my existence so far and well, it’s one of the few things who never fails to be there. And no, that’s not a good thing.
After so many years of dealing with it, you’d think I’ve gotten better at this and can easily dodge the waves. But let me make it simple: no. It just doesn’t work that way. If I could just turn it off or ignore it, I would all the time. Believe me, I love turning things off and ignoring things. But I can’t.
Not so long ago I got called a fake by a person -I’m glad got the fuck out of my life- who had no idea half the things that go on in my tiny bag of bones after I had one of my first ever real big panic attack. Funny enough though, it happened one night I made coffee at midnight because I wanted to pull an all-nighter and draw! “Funny”. I just seem to never learn and especially not from mistakes – can I blame it on hope? Hopefully I won’t have one tonight; I’m already tired enough.
This is isn’t fun at all. When I pick up my guitar and my whole body feels weak and my mind yells that me “What’s the point? I’ll never be good enough.”, it hurts. It’s not fun to have all the passion and interest you have in things torn from your hands, especially when those things are the few things that keep you going, fighting on. How could I fake not wanting to do the only things I feel I’m meant to do? Why would I? Why would I not sing for a whole day willingly? Why would I lie in bed for a whole day and not eat willingly? I love doing things, I love eating, I LOVE PLAYING MUSIC. And I need to to feel okay. It is not enjoyable to have zero energy and finding out that nothing has taste anymore, to not feel anything at all. And it is not enjoyable to be so powerless facing such a deadly storm that actually comes from within, from yourself. How could it be funny to pretend that my body and mind are waging a war against each other and against me and that I’m the only thing standing in the way of my personal sunlight BUT that I have no way of stopping anything? Whatever.
So yeah, back to the point, I think… These last two days(and maybe before but I can’t exactly remember things right now as I’m in this period where I have completely no notion of time – everything is just a continuous line and well, I don’t think in days or anything)I’ve been waking up at 11AM again which is a bad enough thing to do for someone that has dreams to make come true but, on top of that, I’ve done nearly nothing at all the rest of the day. So yeah, I’m done. I’m stopping it right now. I’ve done that a lot in the past but I can’t afford wasting any more time! So, I’m trying to apply the whole self-discipline to… well, myself! I’m not sleeping tonight(maybe a little nap tomorrow morning before my last exam -finally!) and I’m gonna do things! The worst part is that I’ve started many different things and that’s exactly when the waves decided to hit me and I let them throw me face first to the floor. Fuck that.
I’ll barely sleep between now (11:47PM) and tomorrow’s exam (1PM) because I spent all my day lying down on my -broken- air mattress. I’ve got to make up for it. I’m not so mad at myself either because I, for one, understand why is it that I couldn’t pick up the strength to do things. I don’t have absolute power on those things but I can, and I know it, gather enough strength to pick myself up and stand while the waves hit. Not because it’s bigger than me and stronger and takes away most of what make me a human being means I should let it throw me to the ground and not get back up.
It’s not always easy. And it’s okay to fall now and then, I can’t be strong always when it comes to this; it’s not just simple laziness(I kick laziness’ butt and spit in its face!). And it’s also okay to spend a whole day lying in bed when the waves strike out of the blue(I feel pun potential in this…). But I’m in this alone, for the most part, and I’ve gotta learn to pick myself off the ground and fight against the current. It has hit me way harder than that and I already had two days laying down doing shit sooooo yep, all-nighter and unwasting time that got lost in the storm.
Alright, I should stop with this post now and get to work. It’s not exactly an interesting one anyway. 😛