Blue & green||| You & me


Growing up on such a blessed land was paradise.

Even though I spent most of my youth longing for the day I’d leave this place, I’ve always loved everything about it (although the sun isn’t exactly my best friend). Now that I’ve finally gotten out and seen a bit more of the world, I truly see how beautiful my home is and precious. And it makes me happy beyond words Exif_JPEG_420to be able to come back once more and get to enjoy those familiar places.

I’ve always been amazed by Nature and its stubbornness and strength and oh so breathtaking beauty. And since I live in a small town, in the south of the island, I’ve always been able to enjoy both the sea and the forests a lot.

They’ve always been my familiar faces in the world, if that makes any sense.

I open the window in my room and I can see the mountains, then I go in the kitchen and from there I can see the sea. The sounds of the ocean have always carried me to sleep. Nature is not a stranger to me and seeing even the tiniest tree somewhere is enough to make me feel more or less connected to the place I’m in. I’ve always felt that connection to it and it’s always felt like that reassuring force I could always turn to, I guess that’s why we call it “Mother Nature”.

img_20161227_150826When I got in highschool, and the storm inside started blooming, five years ago(??), I developed a stronger need for the sea. And I used to walk there as often as I could after school with mom and my dog and my little brother. It calmed me down to see the waves from up close and smell the fresh air.img_20161220_185500

But it did, and still does, that strange thing to me which I have yet found the right words to explain. I could sit there for hours and just stare. It feels like I’m hypnotized sometimes. And I think it’s just like this bigger Love also. It feels really good and it eases the storm in me.

This is only the second time I’m coming back home since I left two years ago, but the first thing I always do before I go out of town to meet people or do anything is take a walk to the sea. And then, we go there almost every single day. It heals everyone and helps with all the useless tension; it fills me with love and happiness, and the sweetest drops of sadness.20170716_175244

Today I was soooooo lucky that my family and I got to go the forest (I found a nice little panorama online for you, just click right here! 😉 ) AND then to the sea once more!! I was so happy!

We went in my brother’s dad’s pickup truck. My sister and her son were sitting inside while mom, Gaby and I were sitting in the back with his dog and got to enjoy the sight as we drove up the gravel roads. It’s just the best feeling to be sitting in the open like that! And the lil’ doggy was just so happy to stand and watch the trees go by with us.

It was sooo sooooooo pretty and then the sea was just ——- I made a little video montage from a few clips I filmed over these past few days because I can’t get them uploaded on Instagram for some reason and it’s just so pretty I need to SHARE

(Forgive the music that might actually be too loud; there were just people talking on most of the videos and nobody wants to hear that… )

A wonderful sight that always leaves me in awe.

There’s this connection and it’s just beautiful. Sadly, I’m all out of time for that post so I’m gonna have to cut the thinking and typing here.

Until next post, don’t forget to look around and let love in, no matter how bad a mood you’re suffocating with. ❤

 

 

Just a little bonus of my brother being a cutie in the woods:

 

Sad thought from a happy day?


Today I went out with my Lilly, her boyfriend and her nephew(and boy, has he grown!!). We saw the new Spiderman movie. I wish I could’ve heard Michael Keaton’s real voice instead of the French dub, but what d’you want? We’re not in Lille. The €€€ fly but your 20170715_122537-1expectations can DIE. Not really kidding, but you can laugh! I do cos it’s saaaad 😦

Everything was fine until we sat in the cinema and they started chatting together and I was left with my thoughts and the darkness(not really at first but it already felt like it).

[ I will try and be as short as I can because I am tired right now and at home. Honestly, as much as I’d have lots to say and write, I can’t just spend my time on a computer/phone. I take pictures and post them when the internet allows it but even if it means not doing anything or simply staring at my mom all day, I’m spending as little time as needed on the internet. ]

And as I sat there, she started speaking; that voice that just knows not how to lift me up. I tried to fight it and keep busy, devour my popcorn before the screen is even turned on, stare at the ceiling, listen to my friends’ conversations… But nothing worked. She just talked and talked. She put me down. She did not hit where it hurts, on those swollen bits of me I’m used to pressing on whenever the challenges get a bit too heavy and I fall. She hit on one of the biggest insecurities of mine… And that is, the stupid storm.

That voice wasn’t telling me how bad a friend I am, how boring, nor how I’ve been looking fatter lately, how I might not be as strong as I thought. No, she did not mention any of those things, because they weren’t so important at that time. The storm was the real thorn on the sole of my foot which I had to push deeper in, jump on and torture myself with.

She was telling me how weak I was.

Just a moment of slight darkness and I was gone, gone with the winds of despair and self-loathe. All it told me was “Look at you, the movie’s not even started yet and you’ve already let your thoughts flood you and drown you. Just a minute in and you’ve been reduced to a quiet piece of shit, and nobody even notices.”

I wasn’t putting the blame on my friends for not noticing me getting quieter and slowly fading in the background, it was all on me.

And the worst part was that, with all this already heavy enough bullshit in me came a crippling guilt which glued me to my seat. How could I be feeling bad and having all these thoughts run through my head while I was with my best friend and expected to be all about the good time? How could I just start thinking of myself and let sadness fill me while sitting next to my best friend whom I love and whose presence just completes me? I just felt bad for feeling bad, which is a feeling I’m sure a lot of people can relate to. And it sucks.

I had all these racing dark thoughts, sad ones and those mean ones pressing on my other weaknesses. But this voice was the loudest, the narrator of that afternoon. Because that’s what it was doing, narrating with acid words the mayhem in me as I sat near my dear best friend and her close ones.

And maybe the reason why I couldn’t fight it is because I agreed with it. The voice was right. I was being assaulted by those razor-sharp thoughts while there was still light in the room and I wasn’t on my own.

I don’t think that I can enjoy going to the movies anymore.

And that’s how I came to this conclusion.

I used to enjoy this because it was a way to keep me completely distracted from the bullshit inside and outside but just like a lot of things, it seems it’s not enough anymore to anesthetize my restless self. So maybe I should just stop going. I can still watch movies at home and it’ll be just the same but with more food! 😛

But really though, it sucks to pay so much money to sit in a dark room full of strangers enjoying a movie while you’re just melting on your seat and having multiple life crises at once. I can still enjoy it but it leaves me so messed up. And I feel even more alone like this, because I’m trapped in myself and no one can possibly know and it physically hurts.

Is it worth it?

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“help i had a good time”

It took me about thirty to forty-five minutes to get somewhat focused on the movie rather than my thoughts and hands. Just like it did, back when I still went to class, for me to calm down from my anxiety fits. It’s not as much a torture, honeslty. But it’s just not enjoyable, I’m so uncomfortable when this happens and I can’t escape. It’s actually pretty horrible.

So, yeah, this happened; again. I had a good time. I had a good afternoon. I was with my best friend and on the ride back home, even though I wasn’t feeling so well and quiet as fuck, she managed to make me smile and laugh and speak.

It was good but it was also really bad. And as happy a day it was, all it leaves me with, sadly, is this thought: I don’t think I can enjoy simple things anymore because I’m a wreck. I’ll try to hold on to the light of this day and the smiles and the good. But I seem to have discovered that brains tend to focus on the bad memories, or maybe that’s just me.

Everything is exaggerated in this 5″2 factory and well, I’m tired; I don’t want to type anymore.

That’s gonna be it. Longer than I thought it’d be, but I’m a fast-typer! 😛

Until next post, just, breathe. ❤

 

A few news from home!


19942613_1507915275942543_529023101883711320_oToday, it’s already been SIX days I’m home! (WTWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF) If Time could just slow down its insane pace for a little, while I’m here, I’d very much appreciate it and then we can go back to running like crazy fuckers.

I actually don’t have much to share just yet. Same old, same old. Been playing games a LOT cos we’re a bunch of geeks I guess? (Don’t tell my brother I said that, hehe)

My nephew’s grown like wtf!! He’s started walking a bit and my, it’s cray and also amazing to get to watch a little human bean grow like that and discover things you’ve been familiar with for over 20 years. A journey and it teaches you a lot about life too!

I saw my best friend again yesterday. We didn’t talk much really. But enjoyed each other’s presence! Took a short walk to the sea! She’s so pretty and man, seeing her grow into such a strong and perfectly imperfect woman just feels so great! Distance hurts sometimes but as soon as we get together, it’s like I never even left.

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Also, I’ve been playing a bit of guitar. My sweet Lady Revenge is still kicking even though no one touches her when I’m not here! My right pointer finger is completely scarred and has been for a little while, but it does hurt me after a while when I play. And it’s still a bit sensitive. However, I’ve managed to  play for longer than the last time I was here so it’s still healing and that’s good to know that I can actually still play!

But I really do feel more comfortable as a left-handed guitarist now so I won’t be investing in a right-handed guitar when I save enough money. I know how silly it can be to CHOOSE to play left-handed when it comes to costs and all of that, and as my finger is actually better and I could probably keep playing on it forever, I shouldn’t. But it’s more of a feeling, you know?20170710_160330

I think it’s a bit like with language. As much as I can speak French (well, maybe not so well, but I write okay? Not so well either. :-p) and I could probably gather a bigger audience doing so since, well, I’m French and so are most people that I know, I choose to do most everything in English. Because that’s how I feel more comfortable to express myself. And well, I think it’s the same thing. Glitch was my second chance and, I don’t think it’d feel okay to go back. I’ll stay on that side of the road, don’t mind me.

And I think that’s about all the time and thoughts I have for now. It all feels the same and it feels good. I’m happy that it rains! I brought my Eeyore with me as always but my little rain cloud is with me too. I’ve got feelings happening inside right now and the not-so-bright type, I’m thinking to try and write a song out of some or whatever. We’ll see…

It’s good to be back. There’s light. But the darkness follows, no matter how far or how fast I can run. There’s something missing. Maybe it’s me. I’m glad to see my mama and my sister happy. And my doggy is the happiest right now, really. And he gets really scared and worried when he sees me walk towards the door. It breaks my heart. But when I see him jumping around when I come to him and his eyes shining so bright in spite of the neverending sadness in them brought in by grief, I’m happy.

Not much news, maybe another day. I still haven’t met with friends so that might be a topic of conversations! We will see!!!!!! I’m just gonna make a quick post with the three videos I just posted on my main yt channel. Not much but it’s with Revenge!!! 😀

Until next post, enjoy the little things and don’t let the shadows eat away at your heart and kill hope. ❤

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GOING HOME AGAIN!!


I am going home today and gosh I’m really excited.

I’m really happy to be going home again! It’s only been about six months since I last seen my family and homeland IRL but somehow I was craving it way more than I did after having been away for a whole year and a half! I’m going to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in a while also, like highschool friends, and my lovely lovely cousin whom I haven’t seen since we were kids somehow! I’m really REALLY excited! So many memories to make and a lot of fuel to stock up on!

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I’ll be staying up until mid-August. And while I’m there, I’ll get to play some (right-handed… </3) guitar and bit of piano too but I don’t really know how to. So I might be able to record something slightly more interesting to put on my youtube channel and same for #2. I’ll probably hire my little brother as a cameraman or just borrow his tablet to record things. And I’m excited about that too!

And I’m thinking that I might actually get around to finish a song that I started back when I still had Glitch but never got around to finish or maybe even write new ones! I’m just really dying to play some music again so I think that the melodies might just flow out of my mouth and break my fingers. Which is such a good thing! I can’t believe that I went six months without a guitar/uke and am still alive! I really didn’t think it was possible and yet, look at me. Starving for some strings but still breathing! *clap clap clap*

I’m going to be jumping straight off a cliff after that (not literally; don’t worry) but there will be a really pretty and warm net to catch me and so I’ll get to build my wings with a little less pressure! And I’m excited about that too. I actually still have to deal with some paperwork to get everything in order for that next travel while I’m home (which sucks but is for the good cause).

So yeah. Family. Friends. Art. Mountains. MY OCEAN. Rain. Lots of rain. This is just going to be awesome and I really can’t wait!!! But I really should go to bed now as I have to wake up at 5 or something to make sure I have enough time to get ready and check everything before I leave for the train. I’m going to be so tired and such a mess!

While I’m gone for a long long long day and until I can get something better out there, maybe enjoy this 5-day-old good enough cover?…

Cheers!!! I hope I can sleep because I won’t be able to drag that heavy ass suitcase around if I don’t. So many books. What am I?

Until next post, don’t forget to remind those you love how much you love them and how precious they are because you never know (and especially before you step on a plane because sometimes they just fly into another dimension and what the fuck). ❤

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Let the Mother’s voice heal you.


Spent a long hour outside this afternoon while on the phone with the mama(as today’s Mothers Day here; finally! I was so sure it was last week and that my mom wouldn’t receive my letter on time but then realized it was this week so I was relieved but she told me she still hasn’t got it so, bummer. WHICH IS VERY WEIRD; it’s taking way too long, wtf!).

I think I mentioned this in my previous post but a few days ago, I got to venture out of my comfort zone and discovered a little piece of heaven only a few minutes walk away from my place. And today, I went there again BUT also a little further! And only to realize that the lake which I pass by when I take the bus (which is what I intended to find in the first place) was only less than a minute away from it! I was blown away. They were just as close as I saw on the map, if only I had bothered looking to my freaking right that day! Ha ha

So, there were fewer ducks (just when I’m willing to take pictures, of course!), only ONE swan but plenty of weeping willows! If you see a tiny black dot on a picture it’s probably a duck and if it’s white, it’s gotta be the swan; use your IMAGINATION! 😛 The pictures I took are, as usual, pretty sh*t (did I just fucking censor myself?) but I needed them, to remember and to show my mom and sis.

I will try to go there at least once a week for the rest of the time that I have to spend here because it’s such a beautiful place.

I feel really good when I walk near the water, hearing the birds sing and the ducks fight, and seeing people walking their dog and smiling. It’s such an amazing feeling. And I cross the path of really nice people there too! I mean, I don’t know if it’s the influence of the peaceful environment or if it’s just because it’s from a smaller side of the city. But they’re really nice and they even say hello to me! I’d be weirded out if someone would just “hello!” me as I walk in the city, but there, it simply makes sense. And it feels awesome. Reminds me of home, you know.

Also, I got to see one of the cats that I met there the other day and pet him again! He’s funny cos he like, won’t flinch or run away when I approach him, he’ll let me pet him and even meow at me, but then he just walks away in the middle of it. And when I start leaving he looks at me as if he was expecting me to keep on petting him. Like, make up your mind, cat!

Jokes aside though, I’m really thankful because I need cats in my life to keep my sanity here and they’re just a natural part of my life, ya know. I can’t conceive a life without a cat or a dog by my side, the same way I can’t conceive a life without music because it’s always been around, it just makes sense to have it and it’s vital. And yet, look at me, no guitar, no cat, no dog and I sometimes go days without singing. Like, make up your mind, human! 😛

Going there today reminded me just how powerful Mother Nature is and how she can heal. The birds and the wind were singing to me(well, to all, but let me focus on myself plz), the colors were speaking to me and the simple harmony of everything was comforting this weeping soul. Nature heals better than any pills or any human can; the Mother knows how and she does it right. She knows what to say, what to do to ease the mind of those who seek Her. And also, having my mom on the phone at the same time and hearing her voice too helped! I remembered how she, too, knows how to heal this heart of mine and how she does it without even realizing it. ❤

Anyways, this was supposed to be a shorter post but meh, you should know by now, I can’t do that! x) Here’s a lil’ slideshow for you to enjoy! 😉

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Until next post, be kind to Mother Earth ❤

The Fighter in Me


I’ve been a waste of space lately. Let’s be honest; this isn’t an overstatement. A piece of shit. My demons have gotten me really down and I’ve been a lazy leech just feeding on nothingness.

I got down and I stayed down, figured “hey, I’ll just bury my head in the ground for a few decades, no big deal” because I just couldn’t take this life so I just tried my best to ignore the fact that I exist. I was having an existential crisis and I just couldn’t be bothered to actually deal with it or with any of the storm’s bullshit so I just looked away.

However, yesterday (which is now two days ago) as I got out of the bus (I took the wrong one) and walked (while texting my anxiety away, narrating my stupidity to my bff) in a haste (I was late) to my therapist’s office (what a pretty messy morning, I swear), I heard a tiny *click* coming from the back of my head. As I raised my eyebrows and my eyes grew to be the size of the moon, I realized something.

Somehow all this early morning anxiety and lack of sleep had managed to trigger the right switch and unlocked a tiny little door from which came a revelation. I didn’t have much time to actually even begin to touch it with the tip of a finger that day because I was so tired. When I got back home, just slipped on my good ol’ depressed pants and trustworthy “what’s the point” shirt and faded to black once more.

But today; I mean, yesterday (what is time, I ask, what is TIME), I was getting really excited about going outside to explore a nearby place which I pass by when I take (the right) bus to see my therapist (who’s actually a nurse??). So, as I waited for the sun to just stop being so sunny so I could step out and do the adventure thing without burning to my death, I actually had time to let the revelation sink in. And just as I was ready to walk out the door, I had to jump on a piece of paper and pen to scribble all the words that just rained on me as it suddenly hit me and I saw it.

I saw the fighter in me.

I’ve been hiding, running away and just bathing in denial, forcing myself to ignore pretty much all that there is to life. I had completely given up on trying and was looking very seriously into giving up on everything and settling for a life into the nothingness. And yet, even as I, on the surface, was giving up, it was here in me and still doing its job. The fighter in me, that part that just doesn’t know how to give up and always fights for my life, even when I feel that I’ve indeed given up.

When I sat at my desk that morning the day following the *click*, I realized that, even though if not as intensely as I was supposed to, I indeed thought about those things that I was trying so hard not to think about while I was “wasting my days away”.

I was convinced that I had managed to give up for once and that I truly was on my way to that impossible reality where I don’t bother nor believe in dreams, light and a greater use of my time on beautiful Mother Earth. I truly thought that I had manage to kill all the light left inside of me and to be honest, I was actually happy about it. Because, let’s face it, this whole existence and fighting against the current to do things that you love and be a bigger “you” it’s just so exhausting and frustrating; so, managing to give up was actually a relief.

Now I wouldn’t have to worry about energy. I could be tired all the time and it wouldn’t matter because nothing would matter anymore. I could just bathe in darkness all year long and just lie on the floor, wait for the lightning to strike me and put an end to the joke. Nothing mattered. I had succeeded in taking away all of the anxiety triggers, all the problems, all the overthinking, all the horribly demanding efforts to go against the storm to do all those things and also all the good stuff like love and vegetables.

I don’t wanna be a musician, an artist with four arms that do all these different things and doesn’t suck at them. I want to be a mashed potato without seasoning and extra extra extra cheese and a nice side dish of “nope; I don’t life”.

I FUCKING WISHED RIGHT?

Turns out that I was right when I thought that it was truly impossible for me to give up and that time I said that even when I was giving up, I wasn’t. I just didn’t know HOW RIGHT I was.

I tried my best to keep my mind busy and not think about real questions and about me. I managed to satisfy the apathetic monster inside, feed him all the junk it wanted and become it BUT in the mean time, I also managed to keep fighting in the right direction in a way! Of course, it wasn’t a super effective fighting as there was so little of me involved in the war which is why the *click* took so long to happen. But it was still fighting.

I fed the monster and let it invade the foreground so that I could find a place inside where it was calm, oh so calm, and I could actually think of my life without any parasite.

My choice of distraction could have actually given it away that I was truly just finding a less direct and brutal way to face those questions. And it did. But just after the *click*. I realized that the things I was obsessing over in order not to deal with an overwhelming life, decisions to be made and that crazy wish of living life were, deep down, helping me think exactly about what I was running from.

The fighter in me, the part of me, the spark, that will never stop fighting against the coldest winds that assault me or that I will willingly let in to freeze my soul. That part that, even when reduced to such a tiny size and beaten up, can still stand up for me and what I believe in and resurface, always, and shush the monsters back to their dark corners. (For a while at least, just enough time for the soldiers to get back to their positions and protect that fragile soul)

Now, I haven’t completely gotten rid of the filth that I smeared all over my weak flesh prison. But I’ve been feeling that spark and it’s slowly melting the grime away and bringing some heat back in the main circuits. The fighter is swimming back up. Ha ha! And well, now my laughs don’t just sound like a sound that I send to bounce against the walls and fill up the room with some “nothing wrong here” vibes. I feel less dead. And ready to put myself back on track again.

“You live and then you die, what’s the point anyways, right?” That just doesn’t sound like me. Now, I don’t know if it’s depression or any other part of the storm and I don’t care. I know it’s not me. I don’t think this truly. I’m a stupid child and I believe that there’s more to life than slowly dying as oxygen poisons us. I believe in love and in making dreams come true. And I believe in light in the darkest places. And I BELIEVE.

I might be a fatalist to some extent but I’m what I like to think of as an absurdity, a convention of paradoxes. I always find myself at both extremes at the same time. I’m a fatalist but also an optimistic and a pessimistic and a believer and a skeptic son of a blurp. I’m everything and nothing. But I’m not a person that gives up or one that doesn’t see the magic and beauty in life and beyond.

And now that I’ve slapped myself in the face several times and am slowly waking up from a dead man’s sleep, I can see it again. These words that I spoke, thought, while I was this unseasoned mashed potato (Ha ha, I’m sorry x) I’m almost done, bear with me! :-p ) weren’t mine. I don’t know which demon spoke them but they weren’t mine.

The fighter in me is a real part of me. Those demons and the storm are also a part of me but they don’t define me. They are not me. They are what I believe to be essential parts of the weather in me, the rain that rocks me in bed and make rainbows possible. (You need ups and you need downs, light and darkness; there needs to be a balance in things, this isn’t a happy fairyland where all is well.)

They are parasites but I need them and I cling to them. I need them here but they aren’t part of my identity, they are just these little dark monsters that keep this universe running.  But I am not by any means them. I am not the embodiment of my disorders and, as much as they affect my everyday life and constantly torture me, they are not part of my identity. I consider them parts of me in a way, part of my universe but not me.

Anyways. It’s going to take me a few days to truly get back on my feet and get rid of the bullshit I’m covered in. But I’m getting back up and that’s what matters in the end. I think I actually really needed this time on the floor and horribly dark fake happy days! It’s funny I guess in a way haha

So, I think that’s it. I’m glad I finally managed to get all these thoughts out of my head! I started writing this at 1AM today (which explains the confusion with time at the start of it! 😉 ) and now it’s 6PM. No, I wasn’t writing all this time! I slept and I’m still having very slow days. Recovery is a process and honestly, I was really on the floor so it takes some time to get back up and this time longer than what I’m used to. But yeah, I’m finally done getting it out of my chest and I can actually even more internalize the information now. It feels great.

I’ll end this post on a quote from Fran Bow ( a video game I obsessed over during my little “holiday”, let’s call it this from now on!). I don’t remember which character said it but I’m pretty sure it came from the journal that she found somewhere Idk. I think it’s really fitting with this post and well, off I go fixing myself up!

I don’t need to hide from pain anymore because it’s part of me.

Love is everywhere and in everything.

I enjoy crying.

I enjoy laughing.

I enjoy being alive.

Until next post, don’t lose yourself and keep looking for the light. It’s always there. Even the tiniest spark is enough to keep you going. There’s always light, somewhere, look around, in someone, in something, in the sky, anywhere, anyone, anything. And if you don’t see any light, then maybe think about opening your eyes? Maybe you don’t see because you’re not looking at it the right way. Or maybe you are the light and it’s hard to see yourself shining as you stand in the dark.

Keep running. ❤

P.S.: I, of course, still haven’t re-organized my blog and the categories are still pretty messy. But I’ll get to it eventually, don’t worry! And also, the little walk I had in the “park” that I discovered near where I’m staying was truly refreshing. There were so many ducks and I found two cats that let me pet them and aw, man, I felt really good out there! And I’m planning on going there again, maybe making a point of going every Sunday or so. 😀

worry flood


None of my worries is the least of my worries.

All my worries are on the top shelf and constantly flooding my mind.

I’m replaying everything in my head all the time.

From the tiniest detail, like that time I knocked over two plates of colored beads in kindergarten and had to stay during recess to clean up my mess.

To really heavier ones, like that time I made my mother cry.

In fact, when I say “tiniest detail”, I don’t mean it from my point of view. I mean it from most people’s, I guess. For me, all of these are as big as the other though I can make the difference between bigger ones.

They’re replaying in my mind most of the day. All the while I’m busy worrying about now and what’s next; what once was is always there, what happened haunts me all day long.

Sometimes not and I feel lightweight and I feel like I can go on and be reckless again and feel fine.

But then it comes again, at any random fucking hour of the day and it doesn’t stop. Not until I’ve collapsed under the weight of how my teacher called me out for daydreaming back when I was 7.

Everything sticks with me forever and I can’t just scrap it like a gum on the sole of my shoe. The darkness haunts me forever. I have all these creepy bugs with their small legs carefully buried in my scalp and there doesn’t go a day they aren’t hungry for some brain goo.

And when my mind obsesses over something good, how does that turn out, you ask? Well, it eventually figures out a way to darken the scene and have the prettiest flowers smell like rotten meat.

I hope I’m not my only friend because it seems I don’t want me to be happy. And fighting against myself sometimes just seem so pointless. I’m all I have, so why should I wage war upon me?

This endless worry flood has me sailing away on a self-destructive path. And I go with the flow.

All this dead water that infiltrates my lungs has such a bittersweet taste that I can’t even begin to think of letting go of.

This familiar taste, I could fight till the end.

But maybe I don’t want to win.

Maybe I just want it to flood me, just like that, and drown.

Because there is nothing sweeter than defeat and surrender to the storm.


I tried to work on Uncage’s next chapter tonight but I just couldn’t do it. My mind was too busy. And, look what I managed to vomit onto my keyboard. Isn’t it wonderful? Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Images. Words.