New pedals(aka my saviors); new me!

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Last Tuesday, I finally received my pedals! I had been eyeing them for a couple months now, carefully researching if they were indeed the best for me and which ones would be the best to kickstart my heart. So after having saved enough, I ordered them this month and in spite of a little delay caused by them running out of stock of the chorus pedal, I received them pretty quickly!

For around 201€ (including shipping), I got four pedals! Distortion, chorus, reverb and tremolo. AND, with Andertons Music Co. if you order two pedals, you get a free power supply as well as one of those little snakes that allows you to power up to five pedals at once! This is very practical since the Tone City pedals are very small and cannot be battery powered! And so I got not one but TWO sets of those free goodies!

Getting those pedals obviously took all my money! But I was very desperate and, it was all worth it!! I’ve been trying to save money this summer, but this wasn’t an opportunity I could pass! And also, since I met Maria and we’ve been going on adventures so that ‘s taken some money as well! But as soon as school starts I’ll start saving again! Hopefully!

I am not qualified enough to provide you with proper reviews of the pedals. But what I can assure you is that they are really good! They’re really pretty as well! The trem pedal, Tremble, has this nice little sparly-ish red color and it’s the most beautiful pedal I ever held in my hands! They’re perfect for me. I’d encourage you to take a look at the videos on Anderton’s YouTube channel to get a nice idea of them.

I don’t know much about anything but I can assure you that I’m in love!

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So, remember the break I took last week? Well, it’s all in the past now. Last Monday I jumped back in the open mic life and went to sing at the pub. And well, it was horrible…

I guess I was very rusty! Which made my already sensitive state worse. I just couldn’t handle anything to be honest! haha I got upset by every teeny mistake as well as the audience that night just not paying attention. And I know these are things I should play through and get used to. Usually I do. But I guess after a full week of not doing anything, I was a little too fragile!

Last Friday though, I went and sung at a new venue! And it went okay! I had a bit of a dry throat as I got onto the stage and my voice just didn’t have any power to it, I was struggling so bad to keep it up. But as I came off stage all my friends were telling me how good I was and how this was actually my best performance so far! Ha ha

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Now, the truth about that break is that is was far from being an actual break! Sure I didn’t do anything music related at all, really taking all the pressure off. But it was such an emotional roller-coaster!

One thing that I don’t I mentioned in my previous post is that one of the main reason I was so overwhelmed was for having played right-handed for all these weeks! That was draining me! And once again, my anxiety was actually just trying to warn me that I was doing something that I did not love!

Why keep playing the host guitar then instead of bringing good ol’ Nostrum with ye? Well, let me tell you why.

At my second open mic, all the way back in July, I had indeed brought Nostrum with me and played What are you without me? + What you are without me. But the sound was terrible. It being an open mic, you know, you can’t be too fussy about the set up. So, as much as you could hear everything alright, my guitar was coming out soulless. And I hated it because my favorite songs couldn’t shine bright!

Which has us circling back to the pedals: they were my only hope. I sat down on my bed that night and I was like, we can’t keep that up! The only solution I could see was to get some pedals so that, even if it’s still not an optimal sound, my guitar will at least give out some soul when I’m up there pouring out my heart! And so, I saved, then ordered, and you know the story.

But as I was waiting for them, I had to keep playing the right-handed host guitar. And, as much as I could handle it — I even got really good at the acoustic now with all that practice! — it was killing me, slowly, oh ever so slowly. It was like sugarcoated torture! I still enjoyed it but it felt wrong.

I knew that each night that I would play right-handed will take away some of my left-handed abilities as I would practice less with Nostrum… And so it did. And everytime I would pick my guitar up again, I’d be so bad at it. So, I was like shit now I have to work even harder! Which I guess only added to the pressure, which led to the anxiety fits. It was a nightmare!

On top of that, it just weakened my spirit so badly! I felt like I couldn’t be me fully not only because I cannot play all the songs I know as a right-handed, just a couple! But just because this isn’t me! Yet, everynight, I would get up on the stage and do it because I know that I need to be there a lot, to make connections and gain experience. But that was literally just killing me to have to be that weird mirror version of me with everything backwards. (By the way, I wrote a song about it! Which I haven’t posted anywhere just yet but I will, eventually!)

But it’s all over now! I’ve got the pedals and I’m feeling so much better already! I can breathe again thinking of the next open mics where I’ll get to be me, fully, again and sound somewhat okay! And it’s a big relief. These pedals are lifesavers and I will cherish them.

Now though, I have to work really hard to get my voice back on top and guitar-wise as well, I’m very far behind! I have to build up so much power, endurance, control and energy! But I’ll get there! School is back pretty soon which means I’ll get more practice time and I cannot wait!

This summer has presented me with so many challenges and boy did life slap me in the face!! I’ve learnt a lot! I’ve fallen quite a couple times as well. But I’m standing now, once more. And although I do feel very fragile, I am ready for all that’s to come! A little scared and tired, to be honest, but bring it on, anyways! I’ve got hopes, plans, and a little fire waiting to be fueled!

Until next post, remember that you got this! ❤

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A little week off. Ugh.

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This is definitely a decision I have to make against my heart’s will. But I know it’s for the best.

Although it went unnoticed for the whole month, I have been a little overwhelmed and under pressure with all these new challenges, which brought with them only more wishes/desire to get better faster. See, the thing is that I wasn’t feeling nervous at all nor stressed out, only tired, so I was confused when anxiety showed up again. And, I should’ve known better… But what it took was a phone call with my very good friend Esther to realize that was it.

For once, I guess, the ones I’ve always recognized as enemies (although as loyal as perfect allies), turned out to be trying to help me. Maybe it wasn’t the first time. What do I know?

Anyways. What that means is that, sadly, I have to stay away from the pubs and the social life this week! Well, it’s only four days, really. Plus the weekend. Which should be alright! I’d really love to go because it feels so great to perform. But I need some time to recenter myself, get in touch with all that’s happening within again and just, chill, also! Ha ha 🙂

So, this should be a pretty quiet couple of days! I have a lovely adventured planned for the weekend with my new friend Maria! But apart from that, there’s going to be loads of staying in with perhaps some solo outings again! There might be some new art to share since that’ll leave some chill time in my evenings! Speaking of, the art blog thingy is finally a thingy! All wibbly wobbly, click here guys!!

That’s it for the little update! I’m feeling good though, don’t worry. I just need to step away from the spotlight for a little while because I almost lost myself to this whole dream transition to reality madfuck trip. Getting back on my feet. I got this! 😉

I can’t believe those nights turned into today.

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(Lil’ side note before I start the post:
I managed to order the badly needed pedals for my guitar yesterday, and I did not get one,
but FOUR –yes, fucking four–
and now I am close to being flat broke but at least soon the frustration will be cleared away.
I should receive them this week and I cannot wait!)

Today, I went to the art gallery. And, although I have been going there at least once every weekend for the past seven to eight (??) months, it felt like a first time. Maybe not a first time. But it was different. Everything felt and look different, even those same paintings that have always been there, and the staircase, and the bathroom…

The art gallery is one of my favorite places out there. It’s my safe haven, you know? It’s a place I know and feel very comfortable in. And with the way my mind works, I need that type of constant to help me swim through the messy waves of life. And that place is just that. I try and go every weekend, to get my weekly dose of colors, shapes and happiness. It’s fuel to my soul.

But today, as I stepped inside, it was as if I had entered a parallel universe. Same place, same everything. But something felt different. Not “wrong” different; a strangely comforting different I’d say…

So, I spent thirty minutes walking around, looking at more paintings than usually and rediscovering the place. The smell of the wood, the light, the cracks on the paintings, the carvings on the stairs, the doors. Each and everything I interacted with felt oh so different. I was confused. But it felt really good. It made me happy and I felt calm and inspired. I noticed details I had somehow overlooked during my many previous visits.

I’m not sure why it felt the way it did but I sure am thankful. Maybe I was a little more open to it after all those experiences and surprises from that mad July! Or maybe it was just in the air. I felt more open to my safe space and I think it was more open to me as well; giving more.

I’ve had some anxiety fits these past two weeks. Which fucked me up nicely to say the least. It was nothing but it took me by surprise as I was foolish enough to believe the calm meant it was all over. I guess I needed a reminder that it never ends. Duly noted! I won’t fool myself again. So, I’m thinking that might have been it. They left me feeling pretty sensitive, so maybe they opened the right doors that I’ve been trying to reach for months now. I don’t even know.

After that, I went for yet another long walk, all the way to the park while on the phone with my sister. And I had a picnic on my own by the river. It felt amazing! Then I walked around, snapped some pictures for the sis, and eventually settled on a bench to watch the ducks and seagulls play in the water. Then I took another long walk by the river, taking my time to reach my bus back home.

On the ride home, I was extra sleepy!!!! So when I got here, I showered and had a coffee with a little pinch of cinnamon in it. I’m not a big fan of the taste of cinnamon in coffee, but there’s loads of benefits from it, so, whatever!

Yeah so, basically, when I got home, I just settled down and tried to do things. Did not really happen though! Ha ha. I did get to play some guitar and work a little bit on that art blog that should definitely be ready next week!! And that’s about it.

Even as I type this I can still feel that bliss from that strange art gallery experience. Everything was so refreshing, the paintings, the wood, the river, the wind and, oh, all the beautiful dogs! And it’s hard to believe.

I mean, although this is what I was hoping for last year and the year before and maybe every other year before that; I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m building my little empire. I’m meeting the coolest nicest people. I’m having fun, smiling and even laughing sometimes! I feel confident and strong. I couldn’t have guessed that those wine & ice cream saturated nights(months) would turn into that type of solo-picnic-art-gallery-magic kind of brightness.

I can’t believe that after all the fucked-upness, I am here and standing among so much light. But I will cherish it, I promise. ❤

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What a July!

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Well, it’s all in the past now. Time to process it and upload it to my memory box…

Although I had the idea of it all laid down in my bullet journal, this month was full of surprises. And even the things that I knew about surprised me! It was a nice month for self-discovery, confidence, happiness and also, my social life!! And funnily enough, as busy as it was, I was not stressed out. It was like, enjoyable, and I’m looking forward to August now to make it even better now that I’ve had a first taste of it all.

In three weeks, I performed a total of SIX times. Which is both, crazy and not crazy enough. It could’ve been more but there were some cancellations and unforeseen obstacles on my part as well.

I remember the first open mic like it was yesterday. I was really relaxed, just as I used to be before my theater performances in high school and university. And it hit me right in the face. Like, as I was singing I was being hit in the face by the reality of it all. Ha ha! Because, as per usual, when I was speaking my voice was fine, right? But as soon as I started singing, it got all shaky and I was powerless. I forgot words and I kept my eyes closed too much. But I still managed good enough! Especially for a first time.

The one right after that was already much better! Just a slight little unwanted nervous tremolo in the voice. He he. And the one after I was fine. Still did not have that much control over things. But there were no more shakes and I handled it better. And the one after that was even better! Like, my voice did things I didn’t think I could do yet, let-alone under the stage pressure. Ha ha And it just keeps getting better.

One of those experiences which I do count as performance although it was a complete different setting, was a recording-type session in the Haven café (first open mic). I was terrible on the guitar that night. Actually I was too tired to go but my host mom made me go anyways and I’m so glad she did!! I had a great time! Made some new friends! And even ended up singing on a song that we wrote on the spot! But what this specific experience brought me, unlike every other, was a new light shone onto my voice.

I know my voice is good. And I know I sing okay. But when I heard my voice on the recordings it blew me away. It was not my phone’s microphone. It was so clear. I could hear all the depth of it and it was just beautiful. Beautiful in ways I had never heard it before. And it made me much more confident and happy! It was also really fun to just jam with the guys!!

One of the hardest part I’d say would be, well, to be 100% honest… It’s having to carry my heavy guitar all the way down to Douglas when I repeatedly miss my buses on my way to the pubs and am desperately trying not to be late!! Ha ha ha. But, really, the one thing that makes it hard is that there are no monitors at the places I’ve been playing. So I never get to hear myself as it is. And it can be quite frustrating at times.

One of my favorite parts though is just looking around as I play and see people truly enjoy the songs. Because, these are songs I wrote, they are parts of me and I see these strangers genuinely tapping their feet to the beat, nodding their heads and smiling, or just turning over to their friends. And I’m like, wow!

This has been such a positive and empowering experience so far. It’s very addicting also!!

The one little thing that’s been bothering me though, especially this week:

I’ve had to leave Nostrum at home for the last couple of nights because, my electric guitar just doesn’t sound complete and I’m trying to get my hands on some juicy pedals before the end of next week, so I can be fully me.

It’s been really frustrating because, as much as I can handle playing right-handed, it’s just not who I am. And it restricts my playing and it feels wrong as well.

Also, every time I pick up the right-handed guitar, I feel I lose half of the progress I’ve made on the left-handed one, which, in the end, kind of cancels my progress and I have to start over always.

The one thing about music is that it’s a place to freely be fully me and I can’t be that without Nostrum! So, fingers crossed I can get my pedals soon before my spirit breaks!!

But yeah, I’m hanging on to sanity and the good times! In time it’ll be perfect. For now, I just have to wait some more. Again.

I’ve been meeting so many people also thanks to these open mic nights! Which feels crazy because I’ve got myself a really good friend and so many people who recognize me, know me and have moderate interest in me.

Everything is blowing my mind away! So much that I’ve not even been caring about not having done any music theory or Italian work at all this month. Believe me, I tried, but I have so little free time right now, and all the energy I have left at the end of the days go into music and sleep!

I did have a very small anxiety fit last week which fucked me up good. But I won’t let it scare me. I was on a very sensitive day and I just pushed the wrong buttons. But I wasn’t alone through it. And that makes it even more insignificant! Fuck this. I’m strong and bigger than any demon. They should be the one scared; damned for an eternity in the wild flames burning inside of me. Ha!

Art wise, I did get a couple paintings done! And also, this fine liner madness is neverending!!! I’ve also, as per usual, been to the art gallery at least once every weekend. Pretty sure time would stop if I wouldn’t go… And I have the project of creating an art-only website on here as well as an Instagram page. But so far, this is still a work in progress. Soon though!

And I’m pretty sure that’s all of it! Such a nice month! Making me look forward to all that’s to come. I know it’s only going to be brighter!!!

Until next post, keep at it, guys! ❤

My ten days back home.

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I’m not really sure where to start but I will remain as honest as I can afford. It’d actually be easier to just sugarcoat the story and call it a day. Frame that bright picture, put it up on the wall facing the front door, so that it is the first thing you notice when you walk into this perfectly folded paper house. If you know me at all, you would know that I am not about that life.

And, lately I think I have somehow gotten caught up in a weird state of being which is nothing like me at all. And I can’t stand it. I am trying to set things right, meanwhile I blame it all on summer.

But I will keep this honest because it is the only way. I don’t want to lie to myself and I want myself to remain real and express myself freely, especially on my virtual bubble. Non of that censoring bullshit over here. We’re doing it live! Let’s go!

First there was the excitement which kept me standing through the twenty hour long journey that seemed to never end. Then, there was the immediate feeling of “ugh” once I stepped into Paris; body and mind overcome with the most sincere conviction that I wouldn’t ever settle down in France if i ever do settle down. And then there was the indescribable joy of seeing my mother’s smile in real life after a full year of having a little too far away from her.

On the drive back home with my bff, it felt really nice to recognize everything, every single bit of the roads and mountains, the sky even! It felt nice but there was something else attached to that very comforting feeling, something I’m not sure I can describe just yet. A vague, background feeling that somehow overpowered me almost as much as the good one and unsettled me…

Witnessing my mom’s excitement over painting was something also. Something I have been dreaming of for years now! (I also managed to make some art myself but not so much.) I really hope she keeps doing it because I love her so much and I believe it’s the best thing for her right now.

I remember before I left, how I thought I would, without any issue, be able to work on my voice as usual, or even harder when I’d be at my mom’s since my brother was still in school leaving me time for it in the mornings. But as it turned out, I was all out of energy from the heat and also I just couldn’t commit to it. And once again, that overpowering background feeling… It crept up on me unannounced and then it just hung around me the whole time, ruining what was supposed to be a good time back home.

There was Nature and people. My island. Oh, how nothing’s changed. But everything is changing though. I had the greatest displeasure to witness some drastic changes being made and I was filled with disgust over how those men are trashing this beautiful little piece of heaven. It broke my heart. But, a little impromptu hike with an old friend by the ocean made me feel better. Seeing the ocean in all its wildness, calmed me down. Nothing ever truly changes. Buildings are kinda like tattoos, they look permanent but can be removed, and they don’t really last, they fade over time and they go down with us.

I was really happy to see Line again, we’ve been friends since we were 12! We walked for almost two hours and just talked about things, catching up, you know. And I was also very happy to get to see my friend Manélisa after two years!!! She has been in Quebec for two years now, studying 3D and cool stuff and she’s one of the best artist that I know! It was really nice spending an afternoon with her. She always fills me with confidence and determination! And I hope I get to see her one day in Quebec!!

I was of course really happy to see my bff too. It was almost like I never left. Although it did feel a little off, but that was all on me. That background feeling again. She was working during those ten days but she still did her best to come at my house every single afternoon and I did not thank her. Although I should have. But, yet again, I was living in the shadow of that background feeling.

And well, my family. I was really delighted to see them. I wish I could say they haven’t changed, but like everything else, although it has remained the same, it’s changed, and not necessarily for the best either. There were so many conflicting thoughts and feelings inside of me as my short time in the nest went by. Even now actually, I haven’t come to terms with everything just yet to be able to word it all and analyse & solve them.

My brother has grown so much! But I can see the effect of not having me around on him and it crushes my soul.. I could tell he was really happy to see me again and that he didn’t want me to leave again. And I feel like such a monster because, me being the stupid dickhead I am, back in that same old environment, couldn’t really fight the bad vibes emanating from my surroundings and reversed back to a poorer version of me. I wish I could have been a better sister but I felt trapped.

My nephew has grown so much as well! I didn’t exactly get to enjoy his company so much as he was materializing everyone else’s thoughts, hitting me when he could or running away most of the time, because I’ve been gone for so long, who the hell am I and why did I think that love was universally bulletproof? Only, I swear, on the last day he actually started to accept me back and let me hold him and all.

I’m not gonna lie, I know he is just a baby, but it hurt. Not just to be slapped constantly. Ha ha. But to be pushed away all the time and to have to power through the rejection and remain standing although my heart broke each time. I was also just in a very sensitive spot the whole time anyways so, can’t blame it all on him.

And then there was the dreaded departure.

I promised it all sucked so bad. I was terribly frustrated and disappointed by these ten days. I just expected them to be different. I expected this family love thing to taste different. All I got was an incurable heaviness in my heart.

I just thought I would be appreciated differently. But, it was just as if I had never left. Which was comforting in a way, only that comfortable feeling was a mere disguise for some bittersweet destruction. Sometimes I would just stop and look around, asking myself if it actually made any difference having me there because everything felt so unaltered by my presence. Maybe I was fooling myself, but I thought it would be different. And that crushed my dreamer’s heart a little bit too.

Point is, as the day of my departure grew closer, I was getting happier. I just couldn’t wait to leave, go back to a place where I actually felt good and felt like I was moving forward! So that feeling of relief was taking over.

And on the actual day, well, I did feel a pinch of sadness in my heart every time I would look at my mom or brother. But I couldn’t chase away the little thrill in my heart. Which ended up making me feel guilty. Because I was happy to leave it all behind. Hashtag I’m a monster…

A feeling only reinforced once we got to the airport and I was waiting to go through the security check, witnessing my brother just being distressed and trying to keep some form of composure. But as I was hugging him, he was sobbing in my arms. And I can’t describe how that made me feel. I had seen him cry before, I mean, he’s my little brother! But it was never like this. And the worst part was that it was all because of me. I was breaking his heart, and while doing so, I was actually happy. The guilt…

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Ten-year-old me with a young heart which I would break over and over

It was a long way back to Ireland. Especially with all those conflicting feelings. The guilt was killing me but the excitement kept me alive. I was happy to know that soon again I would be able to work on my music and see the city again.

When I got here, it was so sunny and hot. I was a little disappointed. But it didn’t even matter. Because I was where I wanted to be now…


So yeah, that’s how it felt.

It was not all bad, of course. It wasn’t bad at all! I had such a great time and everything was good. This is just an insight; all the underlying feelings, thoughts, wishes, that did ruin me but which did not change a thing either.

I know I did not make the most out of my time there because I let my feelings carry me away. That unwelcome darkness ate me real good. And I feel double worse for knowing that I was not just disappointed, but also disappointing everyone else. I wish I could have been better. But I don’t think I could’ve been.

Because, I also feel like, one of the reasons it was hard for me to feel as bright as I should’ve, was that I was coming home empty handed. I mean, sort of. Sure, I’ve accomplished loads in the single year I’ve been here. But there’s still nothing concrete just yet. It’s more a matter of personal progress and beginnings. But nothing much just yet. And I guess it felt wrong to be back so soon and not have anything to put on the table…


I’m gonna have to stop this now, because I have said enough and I’ve got other things to do.

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I miss you all so much..

I will forever remember the way my brother was sobbing, as silently as he could, in my arms that day. And I will forever remember how my mother and sister, in their own way, tried to look brave and unaffected each time I left. Gosh, I’m crying now! And, although it is not the fuel I went to look for, I will use these to power me and keep me running.

I love them, and they know that. And they also know why I am doing all of this. And that’s because there is nothing else I could do.. I know it’s hard but they support me. And I will keep making them (and myself) proud.

I’m chasing those dreams and I won’t ever stop, mom, I promise. ❤

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Hi there, guys!! Just quickly, before I go to bed because it’s nearly midnight already (how)!

I’ve had such a busy week!! I cannot wait to share with you all that’s been happening!! Probably at the end of the month as next week will also be very busy; hopefully!

I just came back from a recording session thingy and tomorrow I will be performing yet another open mic!

I feel really good and I am so tired! But it’s all worth it!

You’ll get to know more pretty soon! For now, let’s enjoy every minute of it all! And, until next post, keep trying(even if you’re scared, even if you’re not ready)!! ❤