What the existential fuck?!

Standard

I think it’s crazy how Reality & Fantasy are superimposed on each other every second that I breathe. Like broken oil and water, finally mixing together, only not completely, and never not sloppily.

Essentially, all of Reality is Fantasy because, through my sole point of view, the only one I own, nothing ever is truly true or fully complete. A lot of what I actually perceive of Reality’s scope, if not all, is me guessing, me imagining, connecting the dots, trying to fill in the blanks, making sense of silences and desperately trying to see words, pictures in empty skies. None of it is ever truth, rather hollow ideas.

Reality is a fantasy. Life is unreal. I am surreal. Nothing makes sense, nothing is real. My eyes have fancy filters on, adding sense, colors, warmth and whatever else it deems necessary to this bland, vacant space in which I float. All of which are gone, from me; from the rest.

There is nothing.

I am nothing. And yet, I remain.

Advertisements

My trip to Kilkenny with Esther! (01.20-21)

Gallery

About three weeks ago, I went to Kilkenny, Ireland, with my lovely lovely friend Esther. It was a wonderful experience, so I want to share some of it with you!

It was raining the whole weekend. Well, not so much on Saturday but, Sunday all day (Like, it never stopped one minute, I swear! Light rain but with a very consistent flow. haha). Which we had expected and which, honestly, didn’t keep us from having fun.

We stayed in a hostel (which wasn’t an amazing experience in itself but there was a dog so whatever) and it was pretty fun. It had been a while since my last sleepover with a friend (although that technically wasn’t one) and man, I missed the silly talk and the laughing… But that was only for the night and for lunch. The rest of the time, obviously, we were on different adventures!

The big lines of what we did:

  • Visit the Rothe house and its garden
  • The Smithwicks experience! (yummy)
  • Walk around in the Butler house garden + be astonished by their fancy toilets which I did not dare use btw
  • Go on a high quality ghost tour!!!
  • Sleep terribly in our dorm room 😛
  • Visit the Kilkenny Castle and garden + check out the art gallery
  • Awkwardly walk in St. Mary’s cathedral and sit so I could rest my legs
  • Walk past St Canice’s cathedral and meet a cat, a black cat in the graveyard
  • Visit the (spooky) Medevial Mile Museum

I’m not gonna do an exhaustive account of this whole adventure, obviously, I’m trying to watch my time! Instead, I’ll just tell you about the Rothe house, Smithwicks and the ghost tour which were my favorite experiences! These were the most enjoyable ones to me. I learned things from every other and it was entertaining and all, but it didn’t set off a spark in me like these three did.

The Rothe house and garden

It was literally across from the street of our hostel. So, easy peasy first stop.

The Rothe house was, hmm, pretty creepy actually. But there was so much to see, like that humongous deer head above the fireplace:

If I recall, it’s actually from an extinct species which disappeared a long long time ago. It is massive. And creepy. But I LOVED IT. They used to have the whole skeleton displayed but for conservation purposes, it was taken out of the house and put… some place else. Sorry, my memory of facts is always very vague… Ha ha!

But, honestly, aside from all the history and creaking floorboards, what got my whole heart was the garden and its numerous WOODEN DEER STATUES.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’m pretty sure I let out a high-pitched scream when I saw the first deer. I was so freaking happy once I realized there were so many more of them!! They were everywhere and they were beautiful!! I could not believe my eyes! I took pictures! Would’ve taken selfies with all of them but then the rain caught up with us so we kinda rushed through the end. It was b-e-a-utiful! ❤

Here are a few more pictures of what was to be found in this house (which was, if I’m not mistaken, actually three houses?). From the hilarious tapestries to the creepy dresses and mannequins, including dog bones and an amazing candle/chandelier(?).

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Just a special mention for this plate with these beautiful words engraved in it:

Dearest Earth and dearest Sun, thanks for all that you have done. Earth who gave to us this food. Sun who made it ripe and good.

IMG_20180120_120658.jpg

The Smithwicks Experience

(right across from the street once again hehe)

Then, the Smithwicks experience… What can I say? Our guide, Simon, was literally the best guide I’ve ever had my whole existence! There was something very captivating about him and I swear I actually learned so much about the making of their ales and others, lots of things I had no clue about. He was lovely!

We were shown short films, some machines and lots of barley! We got to taste some wort (disappointingly bland for something with a high sugar content!) and smell different hops. And then, obviously, in the end, we got to taste some of their ale. We bought upgrade tickets so we got to taste all three and man…

IMG_20180120_140231.jpg

I fell in love with the Smithwicks ales, I must confess. They’re delicious. My most favorite had to be the pale ale because you can really taste the flower in it. But even the red ale, as “basic” as it is, was much more than any other beer that I had in the past. I loved it so much that I bought a shirt to proudly wear!

It was a very basic experience but tasty and like I said, the guide made all the difference. ❤

IMG-20180124-WA0162.jpg

Kilkenny Ghost Tour

Now, I’ll tell you a little bit about this ghost tour…

But first, let me just mention how poor Esther and I had our private space violated by a very drunk lad while she was sipping on her ice water and I, on my red Smithwicks(*wink wink*).

We were just fooling around with snapchat filters like one does, and one of the guys just got in the frame. And then, well, you know, the endless chitchat of a very drunk lad. I wasn’t sure if I had to laugh or feel for him; so I did both. Like, big bummer… Do guys just really think life is a fucking buffet and they can just come and pick whatever they want like? They weren’t exactly the terrible type of drunk dudes in a bar but, still, you know, it never feels good. Rude intrusion and the persistence of the pest..!

But anyway, our night just got turned around when we met our guide.

Caroll, was his name if I recall. (But really, it probably wasn’t??..) We walked to him, only to find out that the tour would consist of only the three of us (what a surprise…). Of course we didn’t mind it and I think that actually made the whole night better. Ever since our Titanic experience in Cobh, I tend to get Bill Withers’ song “Just the two of us” stuck in my head whenever we do anything! Ha ha.

Caroll was an amazing story teller and also such a nice guy. We walked around the city learning about witches and banshees, and getting to know each other. The stories were chilling and the company was top quality. I am so glad it was just the two of us, we had an amazing time!

***

The city was beautiful but, honestly, not as attractive to me as Cobh is. It’s lovely but I wouldn’t live there. As a matter of fact, by the end of the second day I was pretty sick of it and just wanted to go back to my sweet Cork! There’s not too much to see but what’s there is worth the trip. Pieces of history, art and heebie-jeebies to be savoured!

It was a wonderful experience, and, I have to say, so far, it has been my most wonderful travelling experience! I made some good memories guys! Yay!! 😀

IMG_20180121_092808.jpg

Typical fluffy tourists

 

As you might have already noticed, Dee was indeed with us in Kilkenny! I wanted to bring him with us in Cobh but, sadly, in my hurry I must’ve forgotten him. I was really happy to have him around this time! Esther got me Dee last Christmas and he is like our little mascot almost so I want to make sure he comes on all our adventures from now on!

Here’s a little slideshow of Dee in various places for you to enjoy! ❤

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Now, I’d just like to take a moment to acknowledge how truthfully thankful I am for Esther because, just like pretty much everything happening to me ever since I set foot in Cork, she’s one of those things that I thought I’d never get to know (again). I’ve been through disastrous friendships these past years and my life has definitely been all over the place, mostly down(ever since the beginning of me lolz). And even my first try at friendship here didn’t go so well. But somehow, I still held on to a bit of hope and, by the most amazing magic, Esther and I got together.

Having her by my side during this trip made everything worth it, from walking in the rain with sore legs to enduring a stupid drunk dude in a bar and the two hours and a half bus rides. I mean, she literally made me so happy… Like!

I can’t silence that voice in the back of my mind that keeps whispering “what if it all ends now? what if she too leaves? what if it’s the only way and she doesn’t care as much as you?”. I can’t silence it. But I don’t let it stop me from enjoying it; while it lasts. This whole friendship thing feels very new to me. She makes me happy and treats me like a person, she cheers me up and stops me when I get too stupid and we grab coffees together, we go on adventures together and we… We’re friends. The real kind. The good kind. ❤

We can be happy together, miserable together, silly and also very serious. I’m comfortable around you. You make me feel happier, stronger and God, I swear, I am so fucking thankful. I am glad that I survived long enough to meet you, Esther. Here’s to us! And here’s to more of us!  ❤

IMG_20180120_142746.jpg

P.S.: Can’t believe I almost forgot to mention that! While we were walking in the graveyard of St. Mary’s cathedral, we crossed paths with a black cat. Like…. Wow. It was raining and we were in a graveyard and he just came. At first I was like “spooky!”. Especially since it was on Sunday morning, after our ghost tour the night before! But of course, first instinct was still to try and pet him. He was just at home out there. He was like “move away, peasants” but then he gave in. He didn’t really care for my caresses. He was trying to catch the crows. The big black crows just being crows in a graveyard. Perfect scenery! Ha ha ha

 

Bonus deer:

Weakened fire dying for the weekend.

Standard

A heartbreak. And another. And a lighter one.

Although I managed to stand through it all, it hit me hard and work didn’t exactly happen. Which is funny because I’m one of those that strongly believe that heartbreaks fuel art. I guess that forcing a smile really is self-destructive after all. My heart is muted once again. I’m working on it. I’ll get things out eventually.

This week was slow and fast. This week was heavy but weighted nothing. I survived. Or did I?

I’m glad it’s a new month. Helps me put things in perspective and maybe will be enough a kickstart for me to truly get back on track and work harder.

Today I finished a pastel winter landscape I started a couple of weeks ago. I was following a tutorial to help me understand a few basics. It was great. I’m happy with it. You can see it on my Instagram if you want or it’ll probably pop up on my blog later this month.

I’m still here. I’m still the fire. Just gotta remember how to burn and burn brighter..

Nostrum is 3 months old!

Gallery

…And, sadly, this is how she spent the day:

IMG_20180111_093318.jpg

I woke up with some tension in my right arm this morning and rather than being bold and pushing through the soreness, I made the responsible choice of not touching the guitar at all today. Which was terrible and rendered me under-productive on this merry day! I wish we could’ve had some nice jam time together to celebrate our three months together, but it was for the best…

IMG_20180111_210710.jpg

Spending my day with the brace on my right wrist brought back some memories of 2016 with Glitch and so much bullshit. I remembered the struggle and I tried my best to be brave through it, and patient. I had my muscle relaxing oil, my special cream, my ice patch and my snuggly Emily around to care for me. Although it did get me very frustrated now and then, I frowned a lot but did not cry, and I had a lovely day with the kids.

I’m not gonna lie, it is super hard to try and force my brain to use mostly my left hand in these situations. Although I have been lately incorporating more and more left-hand activities in my daily life in order to actually become ambidextrous (and avoid any more days like these due to overworking my right hand/arm)… It does not make it easier. Because there is the factor of constraint involved and that makes it harder on me. But anywhoooo, I made it through the day, huh?!

IMG_20180111_193006.jpg

Mid hide&seek selfie

I still got to work a bit on a DIY cardboard shelf I’m making to gain space in my tiny bedroom(yes, I’ll post about it later on haha). And, after I’m done with this post, I’m going to to do some online Italian/music theory exercises (that won’t involve my right hand) or maybe even do some more left-handed writing if my eyes aren’t too tired. I played some cool games this evening with the kids and we had a very smooth transition to bedtime and they’re sound asleep now. It is my second night babysitting in a row but I’m not complaining; we love each other and it’s always a good time!

Today was a bit of a bummer because I’m dying for hard work right now and there’s always something, and I end up working way less than I intend to! But I should definitely celebrate all my progress and most importantly, celebrate having the exact guitar that I wanted by my side in this moment. She’s a beauty & she’s mine!

It’s hard to believe that she is here with me but, once again, this is fact not fiction and g*d does it feel so good! We’re making progress, step by step, we’ll get there! And I’m happy I have her because, even on days where I don’t play at all, Nostrum keeps me company and just like a good friend, even in the silence, my heart she tends. It’s weird but it’s real.

Happy birthday my dear Nostrum! And here’s to more existence together! ❤

(I’m super tired now, might as well just post this and hop into bed, rest that arm some more! I’ll get work done tomorrow!)

I’ve got a migraine but, oh, how it doesn’t matter one bit.

Standard

Ever since I started keeping my bullet journal (since the end of November), I’ve been noticing a lot of things and feeling more in control of some aspects of my life. And, I will definitely write about it in a much longer post one of these days because I love the concept so much!

So, I’ve been doing some mood tracking alongside my regular tracker and it just goes to show how little things can affect my mood. Now, I don’t think I have found the best way to do it yet. It still needs some perfecting. Because, if there is one thing I understand, is how emotions fluctuate throughout the day and there’s not just one set mood per day and sometimes there are even many coexisting at once. Mood, emotions, they’re much more complicated than a simple “happy face” day or “sad face day”. So I have to keep looking for a better way to track the flux and flow.

December to the left and current January to the right. Anyway. The only reason I’m mentioning this right now is because, as the title gives it away, today I had a moderate migraine throughout most of the day. But it didn’t affect my mood negatively like it usually would’ve had.

 

Having been around the kids for so long now, it’s made me realize that getting cranky when in pain or hungry is a very normal thing. And so, I was surprised today to find my cheerful self not beaten down by the migraine! I played with the kids, I even got some work done and I’ve not been cranky or anything. Sure, I’ve been frowning when it hits and hurts my head. But, I’ve just been doing really good.

Today was the first day back in school for the kids and we did pretty good. Even through the migraine, I mean! We were super on time in the morning and homework was a piece of cake. We did a reasonable amount of playing and cuddling in the afternoon. AND we watched some Bob Ross in the evening while waiting for their mama to come back. (Yeah, those kids are so cool, they sincerely love Bob Ross and so they’re always up to chill and watch The Joy of Painting with me!)

Funny thing is that tomorrow there’s no school. Teacher training day! SO, we’re starting off pretty smoothly. It’s all good!

I’m happy to be back in the routine. It gives me more time on my own and I hope to use it all more wisely from now on and work harder on guitar/voice and all that matters to me!

I’m also really happy to see familiar faces again! I mean, I don’t know them. They don’t know me. But seeing them everyday kind of keeps my life together in a way.You know, it’s that weird stranger relationship thing…

I posted some clips of me singing on my Instagram this morning. Some Halestorm and a lil bit of Sinatra. Goodness! Ha ha I’ve just honestly been really surprised and delighted lately by my voice. It’s just sort of happening before my eyes. It’s coming out again, guys!!! And it gives me so much hope for the future because I’ve made so much progress ever since I’ve been dreaming of becoming a singer! I remember how I used to struggle with really simple things back when I was 16 and now, I can do them and I can do so much more too!

I’m happening!..

One last note, I’ve one small trip planned this weekend with Esther and another one next weekend. I’m looking very much forward to it! Some adventure!! And spending more time with her… I’m just really excited!

Cheers! Until next post, embrace the yellow! ❤

P.S.: I’ve been watching a couple videos on youtube this evening while working on music theory and man… I’m just so excited to start gigging!! I don’t know when but I need it to happen soon! I’m trying my best to work hard and harder because I am simply not good enough right now. So, I need to work towards a good enough level so I can start as a gigging baby! Need to be able to play enough songs and also, I’d like to have a nice amount of originals! But I promise I’m gonna make it happen soon! Hopefully next month!?? I sure do hope so!

How’s that first week going?

Standard

HI hi hi! This is my blog, I wanted to talk about my day and so I will do just that.

IMG_20180105_211123_182.jpg

Much love for my host mom!

Maybe it sounds silly to you, but I sometimes forget that this is, indeed, my blog. It is my personal blog. But I sometimes get so caught up in the whole productivity log side of it and also, the deeper side of writing, that I feel like simple posts like this don’t belong on here. But, they do; of course, they do!

And as an individual, my emotions, my thoughts, my moods and my reactions to the Universe’s flow come in different colors and shades and shapes. And all of them are valid and worth, if no one else’s, my own time. They all deserved to be acknowledged, appreciated and embraced.

Now, this is so not what this post is going to be about but I think it is worth the mention. One of my new year’s resolutions is to “let my emotions shine again” which is intimately linked to “Not be afraid to be fully me, always.” Where these come from is the poor coping mechanism that originated from all the self-censor and shutting down provoked by the small repetitive teasing & joking around of my peers.

I could write a lot about this topic, and I will, eventually at some point. All I wanted to say right now is that it is an issue that I am working on and this what this post is about in a way also. Allowing all parts of myself to shine and co-exist on my blog is a first step towards that goal of gaining back what I thought I had to steal from myself to survive. So, let’s start, shall we?!

So far, this week has been going pretty good for me on many aspects!

I recovered from my sore throat very quickly and I’ve been rather productive. I mostly stayed in the house until I was sure I was completely recovered but I didn’t go crazy! I did a nice little amount of walking these past two days to make up for it, and I got to see Esther again (finally!!).

Today, I spent a long time in the morning working on the next chapter of my story, Uncage the Night. It’s coming along pretty nicely although I’m still unsure whether to keep that chapter as part of the story or keep it as an extra, after the story ends. It’s a disturbing one, but in a different way than every other is disturbing… It’s really weird to write it but it is such a crucial part of the story. Maybe not crucial but it is part of it and there is no way for me to just cut it out. It’s here to stay. One way or another.

Then, it took me forever to get ready as I was chatting with my best friend at the same time. I went for a walk down to Douglas. The plan was to go out for lunch on my own again and launch myself into yet another personal/creative project that I’m starting this year(which I’ll talk about later in another post! 😉 ). But, what I got instead was ten new markers and a tiny anxiety fit. Yeah…

It was a very small one but it took a lot of energy out of me. I swear it was such a teensy-weensy one. I wanted to go to a certain restaurant to eat, but as I walked in front of it and I saw the people inside, I just kept walking past it. And literally nothing happened. But there was anxiety involved and it still drained me. So I walked back up, took the loooong way home, and got me some chocolate chip cookies on my way back. It was tiny, but it still wrecked me; physically and mentally.

My body was tired. I was disappointed and a little bit saddened by the very lame surprise that interrupted my good time out. And when I got home, all I did was sing. Which helped me feel better. I just now posted a few clips on my Instagram and also a new cover on my YouTube channel. And I’m really happy about it in a way because, although it is FAR from really good, I can hear so much progress in my voice and it just sounds so… I’m not sure what it is. But it gives me hope & confidence about my musical future to be honest.

On the same topic, I’ve secured my spot for the 25th February vocal workshop in Douglas. I paid (I mean, my best friend did and I sent her a fancy fancy chèque) and I just can’t wait to go!! This is going to be soooo awesome!

IMG_20180105_181142_836.jpg

After the singing, when my host family got back home, I played around with watercolor for a few minutes, still needed to settled down from the anxiety fit. And then I did some hand study, using my crooked hands as reference. Using my A5 sketchbook more is part of my goals for this month because I only used it four times during my evening art classes and I’m not gonna lie, the size impresses me a bit; so I’m stepping out of the comfort zone, into the progress zone, yo!

 

I also worked on music theory. And well, what I’ve been doing is, basically, go back to the start of my book (once again!) to take notes this time with every chapter as I feel it helps me digest the content better. So right now my learning is in suspension, at the chord progressions chapter, and with my notes I’ve just reached the scales chapter (which is only four chapters away). I’ll catch up eventually! Goal for the month also!

If you follow my Instagram, you would know that I’ve finally gotten more serious about my learning to write with my left-hand. I have managed to work a bit on it everyday so far. And I intend to keep it that way. I’m doing really good!

Just like with the guitar, it is not actually learning, it is more about passing on already acquired skills to my left-hand. I can write pretty well already. It is shaky, slow and clumsy but I’m confident that by the end of this year, I’ll be very good at it!

Screenshot_2018-01-05-18-17-35.png

In other news, there’s a tropical cyclone close to my island right now. ‘Tis the season after all. We often got cyclones in January, I remember. Last time I read about it it was right on top of Madagascar and it’s been doing a lot of damages over there. It is so big compared to tiny Reunion Island! Ha ha ha. I went through a small storm a little while ago here in Ireland, so, chacun son tour!

And I think that’s about it for today! It was pretty weird and all over the place, but overall, it was a very good day! I still had a good time outside and walking still felt good through the struggle. Being home to my host family at the end of the day also helped a lot! And I am glad that I managed to get some work done!

Here’s to markers and anxiety fits! hehe

wp-1515188769281..jpg

P.S.: I haven’t touched my guitar very much during this week or ever since the school break to be honest. But I’m very excited since the Synyster Gates school has finally been launched! Anybody heard of it? Anyways, the kids are going back to school next week so that’ll mean more guitar time for me!!! ❤

Make sure you can count on yourself.

Standard

Hi! I’m tired and my eyes are struggling to stay open as I type this. But I have to get it out so bear with me, this is a good one, I promise!

I had a small talk with my best friend earlier about how I’m uncovering wounds that have yet to heal but never stung enough for me to notice them. I have indeed, in the past few days, became aware of a couple of issues and mental/emotional blocks and also realized where a few of them originate from. And I was telling her a bit about them and how I was feeling, how crazy it is the impact that other people and their words, no matter the levity they be spoken in, can have on one tiny person.

She, of course, agreed and worked her best friend magic on me. But there’s one thing she said… She told me we’d work through it together ( ❤ ) and it would take time, loads of precious time, but we’ll get there eventually. Which was sweet. Then she went on giving me the “love yourself” talk and I had to stop her.

Sure, we all need some pep talk every now and then and reminders to love ourselves through our flaws and darkest moments, yadi yada yada. But, that seems to be a big misconception a lot people tend to have about me so I had to write this down to set the record straight(and also, maybe, possibly, make sure I remember what’s true). Sure, I’m definitely all about self-depreciating jokes and I don’t radiate confidence like my ego was the fucking sun, but I do love me.

I am not going to lie, I have insecurities, doubts and on some days I really can beat myself up about a tiny detail on my body/mind. Of course! We all do. But I still love myself. Then again, to keep in the same line of my previous post, my way of loving me might not earn one too many ticks on your own “check-list of self-love”. But believe me, if there’s someone that loves me, it’s me. I know myself like no one else and my darkness, and all those ugly corners, I know them, I accept them and I wouldn’t trade them.

Love is not an acquired skill or a prized possession or whatever you wanna make it. It’s a work in progress, a continuous lesson. You keep learning and it keeps growing and changing shape and moving and burning… And you have to take care of it just like a garden filled with stuff(to be very unoriginal). But it’s something you work on and something that works within you also. You care for it and it cares for you.

Also, I was telling her how overly dramatic my little self has been reacting to minor inconveniences in the past few months. Like, a tiny thing would happen (maybe just in my mind), and I’d go “Alright so… You can’t count on anyone at all. I better just focus on my work and build myself a career or something. That won’t let me down.” And I was just laughing about it. Like today, nothing at all happened; I just misinterpreted a thing and then my brain turned it instantly into a full-blown drama and I picked my guitar up and I could hear those words in my head. I had to stop and laugh it out. Because it is super silly.

One thing, though, that I have to save from this funny newly added feature in my tragedy-orientated mind, is “you can only count on yourself”. Which might be an overstatement, but I think the core of it is true. No matter how many love you, how many you can trust and turn to, at the end of the day, you’re always the one that’s here, all the time, and the only one that can always be there. And that’s a relationship you definitely have to look out for and make sure it is healthy, non-toxic, balanced and just.

Compassion, empathy, love, little attentions, etc; all of these are actually pretty easy to give, give, give away to all you love. But it’s sometimes harder to give it to yourself. We tend to be harder on ourselves than we are with others and I’m like, why? I know I do it too! I’m all about love and forgiveness for all. Accept all their flaws and understand them, be patient and caring. But I’m the first one brandishing a belt ready to beat my own self up over any tiny detail. If I think everyone is deserving of love and forgiveness and should be treated with kindness always, then why should that be any different for me? Let’s not go there today, though haha

And I know I’m not perfect. And I know that sometimes I fail at loving and caring for myself when faced with frustration and broken expectations. And I know I break my heart a lot and don’t always do what I want me to do. But at the end of the day, I still love me and I know I can count on me.

I’ve been acknowledging the fire in me a lot more lately, especially ever since I let go of all the toxicity (relationships and environment) in my life. I’ve gotten over a lot of things and struggled, survived and am still working through it. I have been faced with a small portion of my own strength and now know for sure that I am capable of much much more! I have trust in me and in my potential.

I’m enjoying time on my own more and am becoming more & more okay with the idea of standing alone. I can acknowledge (okay, it’s pretty hard to admit sometimes but I can do it) my beauty, both inside and out. And I don’t take my flaws as flaws although I can recognize those that definitely need to be worked on. My anxiety had managed to convince me last year that I definitely wasn’t anything at all on my own. But I’ve proved that b*tch(and the other ones too) super wrong, haven’t I?

We all need people. People to love us and support us. I do. I need that. A lot. But it’s important to remember that you are your own person also and you definitely are still valid and awesome without these people. It’s important to be able to exist without them and rely on yourself. You gotta make sure that you are here. Be okay with having to hold your own hand through dark times and carry your own tired body on your back to get through those long dull alleys of life. Make sure that when all else fails, you’ll still be there.

You’re the foundations of this big house, your whole universe revolves around you. People don’t make you you, you do. People don’t make your strength, your worth; you are strong and valuable on your own. Love can add on to the strength and make things look more meaningful. But I promise you, you are already so much more on your own! Trust in that. Skies get dark and nights get long, but there is comfort to be found in your own warmth on those lonely winter nights.

I know sometimes the idea of having only your own hand to hold through a hard day is not exactly a very comforting thought. But that is the beginning of it all. Once you realize that you are here and you are someone to fall back on, you’ll get a better grasp of the words “you’re not alone”. You might have friends, you might have family, you might have pets, you might have hobbies or weird fetishes or whatever floats your boat. But you also have you, and that, lads, is actually such a stupid beautiful thing.

I’ll just end this here. I love me and am happy to know that I’m someone to fall back on. I apologize to my hands for looking down on them sometimes when I’m drowning in myself and they’re the only ones I can reach. I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the fire in me and the neverending strength the Earth keeps on feeding me. And I am also thankful for all the outside love that I receive through my friends and family and the whole Universe, because that is also an important piece of the puzzle!

Until next post, just, send yourself some flowers or something. You’re beautiful and you deserve all the love. ❤