Nostrum is 3 months old!

Gallery

…And, sadly, this is how she spent the day:


IMG_20180111_093318.jpg
I woke up with some tension in my right arm this morning and rather than being bold and pushing through the soreness, I made the responsible choice of not touching the guitar at all today. Which was terrible and rendered me under-productive on this merry day! I wish we could’ve had some nice jam time together to celebrate our three months together, but it was for the best…

IMG_20180111_210710.jpgSpending my day with the brace on my right wrist brought back some memories of 2016 with Glitch and so much bullshit. I remembered the struggle and I tried my best to be brave through it, and patient. I had my muscle relaxing oil, my special cream, my ice patch and my snuggly Emily around to care for me. Although it did get me very frustrated now and then, I frowned a lot but did not cry, and I had a lovely day with the kids.

I’m not gonna lie, it is super hard to try and force my brain to use mostly my left hand in these situations. Although I have been lately incorporating more and more left-hand activities in my daily life in order to actually become ambidextrous (and avoid any more days like these due to overworking my right hand/arm)… It does not make it easier. Because there is the factor of constraint involved and that makes it harder on me. But anywhoooo, I made it through the day, huh?!

IMG_20180111_193006.jpg

Mid hide&seek selfie

I still got to work a bit on a DIY cardboard shelf I’m making to gain space in my tiny bedroom(yes, I’ll post about it later on haha). And, after I’m done with this post, I’m going to to do some online Italian/music theory exercises (that won’t involve my right hand) or maybe even do some more left-handed writing if my eyes aren’t too tired. I played some cool games this evening with the kids and we had a very smooth transition to bedtime and they’re sound asleep now. It is my second night babysitting in a row but I’m not complaining; we love each other and it’s always a good time!

I’m not gonna lie, it is super hard to try and force my brain to use mostly my left hand in these situations. Although I have been lately incorporating more and more left-hand activities in my daily life in order to actually become ambidextrous (and avoid any more days like these due to overworking my right hand/arm)… It does not make it easier. Because there is the factor of constraint involved and that makes it harder on me. But anywhoooo, I made it through the day, huh?!

Today was a bit of a bummer because I’m dying for hard work right now and there’s always something, and I end up working way less than I intend to! But I should definitely celebrate all my progress and most importantly, celebrate having the exact guitar that I wanted by my side in this moment. She’s a beauty & she’s mine!

It’s hard to believe that she is here with me but, once again, this is fact not fiction and g*d does it feel so good! We’re making progress, step by step, we’ll get there! And I’m happy I have her because, even on days where I don’t play at all, Nostrum keeps me company and just like a good friend, even in the silence, my heart she tends. It’s weird but it’s real.

Happy birthday my dear Nostrum! And here’s to more existence together! ❤

(I’m super tired now, might as well just post this and hop into bed, rest that arm some more! I’ll get work done tomorrow!)

 

Advertisements

I’ve got a migraine but, oh, how it doesn’t matter one bit.

Standard

Ever since I started keeping my bullet journal (since the end of November), I’ve been noticing a lot of things and feeling more in control of some aspects of my life. And, I will definitely write about it in a much longer post one of these days because I love the concept so much!

So, I’ve been doing some mood tracking alongside my regular tracker and it just goes to show how little things can affect my mood. Now, I don’t think I have found the best way to do it yet. It still needs some perfecting. Because, if there is one thing I understand, is how emotions fluctuate throughout the day and there’s not just one set mood per day and sometimes there are even many coexisting at once. Mood, emotions, they’re much more complicated than a simple “happy face” day or “sad face day”. So I have to keep looking for a better way to track the flux and flow.

December to the left and current January to the right. Anyway. The only reason I’m mentioning this right now is because, as the title gives it away, today I had a moderate migraine throughout most of the day. But it didn’t affect my mood negatively like it usually would’ve had.

 

Having been around the kids for so long now, it’s made me realize that getting cranky when in pain or hungry is a very normal thing. And so, I was surprised today to find my cheerful self not beaten down by the migraine! I played with the kids, I even got some work done and I’ve not been cranky or anything. Sure, I’ve been frowning when it hits and hurts my head. But, I’ve just been doing really good.

Today was the first day back in school for the kids and we did pretty good. Even through the migraine, I mean! We were super on time in the morning and homework was a piece of cake. We did a reasonable amount of playing and cuddling in the afternoon. AND we watched some Bob Ross in the evening while waiting for their mama to come back. (Yeah, those kids are so cool, they sincerely love Bob Ross and so they’re always up to chill and watch The Joy of Painting with me!)

Funny thing is that tomorrow there’s no school. Teacher training day! SO, we’re starting off pretty smoothly. It’s all good!

I’m happy to be back in the routine. It gives me more time on my own and I hope to use it all more wisely from now on and work harder on guitar/voice and all that matters to me!

I’m also really happy to see familiar faces again! I mean, I don’t know them. They don’t know me. But seeing them everyday kind of keeps my life together in a way.You know, it’s that weird stranger relationship thing…

I posted some clips of me singing on my Instagram this morning. Some Halestorm and a lil bit of Sinatra. Goodness! Ha ha I’ve just honestly been really surprised and delighted lately by my voice. It’s just sort of happening before my eyes. It’s coming out again, guys!!! And it gives me so much hope for the future because I’ve made so much progress ever since I’ve been dreaming of becoming a singer! I remember how I used to struggle with really simple things back when I was 16 and now, I can do them and I can do so much more too!

I’m happening!..

One last note, I’ve one small trip planned this weekend with Esther and another one next weekend. I’m looking very much forward to it! Some adventure!! And spending more time with her… I’m just really excited!

Cheers! Until next post, embrace the yellow! ❤

P.S.: I’ve been watching a couple videos on youtube this evening while working on music theory and man… I’m just so excited to start gigging!! I don’t know when but I need it to happen soon! I’m trying my best to work hard and harder because I am simply not good enough right now. So, I need to work towards a good enough level so I can start as a gigging baby! Need to be able to play enough songs and also, I’d like to have a nice amount of originals! But I promise I’m gonna make it happen soon! Hopefully next month!?? I sure do hope so!

How’s that first week going?

Standard

HI hi hi! This is my blog, I wanted to talk about my day and so I will do just that.

IMG_20180105_211123_182.jpg

Much love for my host mom!

Maybe it sounds silly to you, but I sometimes forget that this is, indeed, my blog. It is my personal blog. But I sometimes get so caught up in the whole productivity log side of it and also, the deeper side of writing, that I feel like simple posts like this don’t belong on here. But, they do; of course, they do!

And as an individual, my emotions, my thoughts, my moods and my reactions to the Universe’s flow come in different colors and shades and shapes. And all of them are valid and worth, if no one else’s, my own time. They all deserved to be acknowledged, appreciated and embraced.

Now, this is so not what this post is going to be about but I think it is worth the mention. One of my new year’s resolutions is to “let my emotions shine again” which is intimately linked to “Not be afraid to be fully me, always.” Where these come from is the poor coping mechanism that originated from all the self-censor and shutting down provoked by the small repetitive teasing & joking around of my peers.

I could write a lot about this topic, and I will, eventually at some point. All I wanted to say right now is that it is an issue that I am working on and this what this post is about in a way also. Allowing all parts of myself to shine and co-exist on my blog is a first step towards that goal of gaining back what I thought I had to steal from myself to survive. So, let’s start, shall we?!

So far, this week has been going pretty good for me on many aspects!

I recovered from my sore throat very quickly and I’ve been rather productive. I mostly stayed in the house until I was sure I was completely recovered but I didn’t go crazy! I did a nice little amount of walking these past two days to make up for it, and I got to see Esther again (finally!!).

Today, I spent a long time in the morning working on the next chapter of my story, Uncage the Night. It’s coming along pretty nicely although I’m still unsure whether to keep that chapter as part of the story or keep it as an extra, after the story ends. It’s a disturbing one, but in a different way than every other is disturbing… It’s really weird to write it but it is such a crucial part of the story. Maybe not crucial but it is part of it and there is no way for me to just cut it out. It’s here to stay. One way or another.

Then, it took me forever to get ready as I was chatting with my best friend at the same time. I went for a walk down to Douglas. The plan was to go out for lunch on my own again and launch myself into yet another personal/creative project that I’m starting this year(which I’ll talk about later in another post! 😉 ). But, what I got instead was ten new markers and a tiny anxiety fit. Yeah…

It was a very small one but it took a lot of energy out of me. I swear it was such a teensy-weensy one. I wanted to go to a certain restaurant to eat, but as I walked in front of it and I saw the people inside, I just kept walking past it. And literally nothing happened. But there was anxiety involved and it still drained me. So I walked back up, took the loooong way home, and got me some chocolate chip cookies on my way back. It was tiny, but it still wrecked me; physically and mentally.

My body was tired. I was disappointed and a little bit saddened by the very lame surprise that interrupted my good time out. And when I got home, all I did was sing. Which helped me feel better. I just now posted a few clips on my Instagram and also a new cover on my YouTube channel. And I’m really happy about it in a way because, although it is FAR from really good, I can hear so much progress in my voice and it just sounds so… I’m not sure what it is. But it gives me hope & confidence about my musical future to be honest.

On the same topic, I’ve secured my spot for the 25th February vocal workshop in Douglas. I paid (I mean, my best friend did and I sent her a fancy fancy chèque) and I just can’t wait to go!! This is going to be soooo awesome!

IMG_20180105_181142_836.jpg

After the singing, when my host family got back home, I played around with watercolor for a few minutes, still needed to settled down from the anxiety fit. And then I did some hand study, using my crooked hands as reference. Using my A5 sketchbook more is part of my goals for this month because I only used it four times during my evening art classes and I’m not gonna lie, the size impresses me a bit; so I’m stepping out of the comfort zone, into the progress zone, yo!

 

I also worked on music theory. And well, I’ve been doing is, basically, go back to the start of my book (once again!) to take notes this time with every chapter as I feel it helps me digest the content better. So right now my learning is in suspension, at the chord progressions chapter, and with my notes I’ve just reached the scales chapter (which is only four chapters away). I’ll catch up eventually! Goal for the month also!

If you follow my Instagram, you would know that I’ve finally gotten more serious about my learning to write with my left-hand. I have managed to work a bit on it everyday so far. And I intend to keep it that way. I’m doing really good!

Just like with the guitar, it is not actually learning, it is more about passing on already acquired skills to my left-hand. I can write pretty well already. It is shaky, slow and clumsy but I’m confident that by the end of this year, I’ll be very good at it!

Screenshot_2018-01-05-18-17-35.png

In other news, there’s a tropical cyclone close to my island right now. ‘Tis the season after all. We often got cyclones in January, I remember. Last time I read about it it was right on top of Madagascar and it’s been doing a lot of damages over there. It is so big compared to tiny Reunion Island! Ha ha ha. I went through a small storm a little while ago here in Ireland, so, chacun son tour!

And I think that’s about it for today! It was pretty weird and all over the place, but overall, it was a very good day! I still had a good time outside and walking still felt good through the struggle. Being home to my host family at the end of the day also helped a lot! And I am glad that I managed to get some work done!

Here’s to markers and anxiety fits! hehe

wp-1515188769281..jpg

P.S.: I haven’t touched my guitar very much during this week or ever since the school break to be honest. But I’m very excited since the Synyster Gates school has finally been launched! Anybody heard of it? Anyways, the kids are going back to school next week so that’ll mean more guitar time for me!!! ❤

Welcome home, dear Nostrum!

Standard

On October 11th, a dream I had for about eight months now came true. I got my new guitar and it turned my life around once more.

Since I have finally named her, I can, at last, write about it on my lovely lovely messy website. And today marks her two months anniversary, so it is the perfect opportunity!

 

When she arrived I was so overwhelmed I had to live chat with my mom and brother just so I could open the box and see her with my own two eyes. When the outburst of emotions finally chillaxed, I proceeded to take many many pictures with her– of course! I haven’t been playing with her every single day like I’d love to but we’ve spent lots of time together these past two months, and it was pretty sweet. I missed this so much!

From my two brown eyes’ point of view, a relationship with an instrument, just like any other, is also very spiritual; it’s not all about the touching and the strumming… There’s much more to it; soul-food, magic; an instrument can be, or maybe, should be, more than “just it“. It’s a friend, a partner in crime, a weapon to brandish at the sky and howl at the moon with. I mean, it’s not just an instrument; when you create with it, you allow this deep and sincere connection to exist because you let yourself be vulnerable, you let it see your insides and you willingly share your private parts with it. And, no, this is not just a poetic excuse for my slacking off! 😛

It took me a few days to actually start practicing with her because I needed time to adjust and accept her as a new part of my life. But even without practicing with her, the link between our two selves grows. In fact, I instantly felt connected to her once I put her in my room. And now that I’ve been playing more frequently, I feel closer and closer to her and I think that’s why I was finally able to get a feel for a name! So let’s talk about it for a bit, shall we?

The name…

Nostrum (n.)

  • a medicine made by the person who recommends it, sold with exaggerated or false claims with no actual proof of its efficiency
  • “quack medicine”
  • cure-all;
  • a pet scheme for solving issues, mainly social or political ones
  • panacea
  • my left-handed Epiphone Les Paul Custom Pro

Honestly, I did not really give too much thought to it. I was just fooling around with my “word of the day” app on my phone and it showed up and I was like “Oooh…”.

What got me was the “quack medicine” part. Because music and art is what I turn to in my dark times and if you’d ask me, I’d recommend it to solve any issue, soothe any burn, heal any wound and I’d assure you it is THE cure you need. And I like to sprinkle a pinch of doubt on everything, because it is necessary and also I do find it funny? So, using that word to name my weapon of choice is that for me. Meaningful and funny. Also, “no strum”… I mean, come on! I love it.

On a more serious tone, as much as she definitely is not a cure-all, Nostrum is a very good friend. Like, I remember writing on my Instagram one night how she already knew my heart even though we had barely just met.

[…] There’s nothing like music. And nothing like a fancy varnished piece of wood that allows your heart to bleed shamelessly and doesn’t condemn silence. She can already hear what I haven’t even thought yet.” I remember; I had had a rough day (emotionally speaking) but I didn’t have to work the afternoon so I managed to shower and focus on myself; I picked her up and even though I was doing some tedious theory practice, it fixed my mood. We do have a connection. It was an instant one and it grows with every breath, with every strum and every sigh. *You Raise Me Upppp starts playing in the back*IMG_20171011_195825_142.jpg

This is a piece of paper that came with Nostrum and it perfectly put it into words.

Remember it is one of your most intimate possessions–closer to you perhaps than anything else you may own. For it is the voice of the music within you, singing or sighing with your mood and forever faithful to your innermost whims. […] Give it the best you have and the best will come back to you.

Your instrument is an intimate friend and a door to your intimate parts. It knows you. And there is magic happening when you get together…

On working together…

It has been two months now and I have managed to gain back my very few left-handed skills.

For the record, I’ve been through so many changes I’m surprised my hands&brain didn’t get motion-sickness? Was right-handed, had to learn left-handed, then play right-handed again, then not play at all for so long, then play right-handed again, and then play left-handed again. I’m not gonna lie, frustration has been around a couple of times and I felt like banging my head on the walls way too many times. But I’m back on the left side now and I’m feeling good! My strumming is coming back nicely, finger-picking is doing okay and fretting hand isn’t so flexible but we’re getting there.

Just like when I first transitioned to left-handedness, the progress made was surprisingly fast and I am happy it was so. I should be able to write music again now but I’m not sure how fast that is going to happen! Ha ha. But I will. I’ll squeeze it out if I have to! I need to.

I’ve been considering many things like open mics and even busking. I will do them. But I still need some more practice and also songs to play… But I’m getting good enough to at least do a very simple performance on an open mic one night, I think. My host parents were talking with me about it and they said we should be going together to help me get started. And I think I could really use their presence!

Now that I think about it, I’ve never done anything like it before. I’ve never performed in front of more than one person at once! Well, sure when I was a kid we did some shows at the end of the school year, but I gotta admit I used to pretend to sing because I didn’t give a shit and it was pretty lame. My only real stage performances were during my high-school years with theater. I did pretty good then.

I love being on a stage and it somehow makes my performances better. I swear, during rehearsals I was okay, even pretty good sometimes, but on stage, I’d deliver so much more and it would feel much better also! I can’t wait to actually perform as a musician because once I start I am never gonna stop!

Nostrum and I

A new guitar marked the beginning of yet another chapter in this second volume of my life and it had to be marked also with a new picture; mandatory! So, I tried recreating the picture of Glitch and I because it looked pretty cool! However, I was not able to… (achieve the same level of coolness cos I’m an old woman trapped in a 21-year-old body)

I tried the same position at first but it wouldn’t work out. So instead, I went for what came naturally. I tried many different poses but I could not get it to feel the same. I thought that maybe with the editing after, I could get it right. But it did not happen. And then I understood why: everything is different and no amount of editing could copy all that misery and darkness onto my brighter self.

Things have changed. Things have remained the same. I’ve grown. I’ve shrunk. I’ve learned; I’ve forgotten. But the promise is still a thing. My dreams are still a thing. My fighting on never giving up is still a thing. I’m still a thing. Just a better thing! I’m not as miserable, not as lost and not surrounded by so much bullshit anymore. I am not wasting my time anymore; I’m doing things and I’m loving brighter.

This little family of mine has underwent many changes. Friends have died, friends have left, friends have been thrown away. Glitch was sold, Crash was given with love to my amazing best friend, Lilly. We’ve been desperate, at the bottom of the whole and on the edge of the cliff. We’ve drown and learned to swim. We’ve died and dived back in. But Nostrum is here to stay. And we’ll do great things together, mark my words!

cropped-img_20171111_202004.jpg

This is my favorite picture of us so far because of the light and my yellow sweater.

I’ve entered a new chapter, bigger chapter of my life and this bright light is devouring me but the shadows are still here, creeping on me. But you’ll notice how darkness and light coexist perfectly. There’s room for both of them and worth in both of them.

Yellow is a beautiful color and has always been my favorite (*wink wink* Winnie the Pooh). It’s bright and strong and warm but also is the color of some fallen leaves in autumn, the undertone of my skin color (thx mama) and… that’s it! I love pairing it with black and grey! Three cheers for yellow!!!

That light is Ireland. That light is me. That light is my darkness. That light is my new friends my Irish family and all that’s new and that’s yet to come. That light is so bright it covers my smile and you have Nostrum and I in the middle of it all, so close together and ready to take it on.

Welcome home, Nostrum! I will love you and we will love together. I’m looking forward to creating art together and performing it and painting life a brighter shade of black together.

Cheers guys! ❤

My three months as an au pair

Standard

Today, November 25th, at 4:40PM (Irish time!) precisely, marks my THREE months being in Ireland!

Time flies…

…but in that weird way where it all happens so fast yet the days seem to drag with every breath you take. Only a week in, I felt like I had been there for twice as long but the week had went by so fast it almost slipped out of my hands. And now, three months in, I feel like I’ve spent over a year with my family and at the same time, I realize it’s been so little, but the days just fade fast. Maybe that’s what settling in feels like?

All that means is just, I guess, that I’m very lost in the now, which is a good thing. It means that I’m so absorbed by what I’m doing that I can’t quite grasp the passing of time. Which doesn’t mean that my days and weeks don’t get long or anything; not at all. It just happens so fast no matter how slow it gets. And sometimes, it leaves me with such an overwhelming feeling of helplessness which strips me of all pressure.

IMG_20171113_154011.jpg

Naked trees inspire me

When that solid thought hits me that Time just glides on me and I’m simply fading fast through life, I feel so… Lightweight. Like I’m just floating through life, never grabbing onto anything heavy enough nor going to any solid shelter. Like I’m just a candle burning away and my flame will die, sooner than later and I won’t even see it coming, and I’m fine with it. Like opening my eyes only to realize that my body is free falling and closing them again, accepting my impending fate and smiling to the thought of it. Sometimes, I give myself up completely to the insane flow of life and Time thinks, for a second, that it’s won. But it’s not and it won’t get the best of me.

Sometimes I feel so small and I feel lost, but I’m not losing. I’m learning and growing. And although it doesn’t always look like it, I’m not just fading through life. I’m leaving a mark everywhere, my soul-prints are everywhere. Even when I’m just running my fingers along the walls as I float by, I’m still leaving traces. Even when I’m not being productive, working hard enough on things that are dear to me, I’m still existing and I still mean something. Because there is more to life than purpose and solid things.

Life is an experience and being human revolves a lot around your senses and feelings. Maybe the real purpose of life is life? It’s to just learn to appreciate it, ups and downs, scars and smiles, blood and light, and go through it with an open heart, let it fill you?? I wouldn’t know, I’m just a kid after all..

Time flies but my broken wings can still carry me; I’ll run, faster.

The road so far!

I think I only have five medium-sized “buckets of thoughts” to share about my experience so far. I’ve been trying to write this post since last weekend, in the hopes of scheduling it for today but it was all just a big struggle and so I end up only finishing today. Some thoughts just weren’t ripe enough to be written out so I kept them for another post and we’ll focus on things I can actually put into words right now.

 I found a home here. I am filled with love.

The parents, kids and I all adapted to each other almost instantly. I feel like we were meant to be. It’s only been three months but there’s so much love, trust and happiness going on.  We know each other and we can be real together, you know what I mean? It’s all so natural. I feel like an actual part of the family; it’s a lovely feeling.

IMG_20171030_161940.jpg

Tiny blurry family in the woods

We were comfortable from the get-go and only grew closer by the day. We had this instant connection. Especially with the kids! I thought it would take them a while to open up and get used to me and accept me as a new part of their life but not at all. We’re super buddies now and they give me so much love sometimes I don’t even know what to do with it. Ha ha!
Although we don’t spend as much time together as I do with the kids, my host parents and I are pretty close and we know we can count on each other and it is all oh so very beautiful. I can have really deep and sincere conversations with them, wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s mutual. They confide in me sometimes, no questions asked; just come to me after a weird day and tell me what’s on their minds. We can also be silly-goofs together and joke about the hard times. And they’re also really supportive and encouraging of me and honestly, how did I ever get in such a good home?
Simply put: we’re the perfect match and life is awesome.

I went to evening art classes at the community school…

Which was okay. But I’m not going anymore because it is not teaching me anything and, although it is a cool place to be, I don’t want to invest any more time in it since it doesn’t bring nothing much into my life.IMG_20171116_220949_329.jpg

I didn’t make friends but I think it was still a nice experience somehow. I got to focus completely (well, 90% at least since, you know, my mind is always roaming and am always obsessing over several different things) on making a thing for two hours one night every week and it felt really good. Sure, I never once finished one thing in class since I’m an art-snail but I finished them at home anyways. I made things and it was cool. But, no more. I think my time should be invested on something else.
I talked about it for a bit on my second channel the other day, you can watch here

I’m rediscovering the joy of friendship and simple acquaintances!

I’ve met with other au pairs and while some of them have become really good friends, others are just these familiar faces added to this very new environment of mine!

received_196309027593976.jpeg

Esther, Aidana and I

With my new friends, we do things together and it feels good to have people other than my Irish family to turn to and make new memories with. I’m so thankful that I met them because they are lovely people. We get to hang out on the weekends and sometimes even during the week if we’re lucky. And it feels good, you know, to just know that you don’t have to go alone to that art exhibition or you can definitely go grab a coffee when you’re a little blue and need some company.
With my past being what it was, I had almost forgotten how good it felt to hang out with people. Just going out for a drink or simply hanging out; going shopping together, being silly together and exploring together. Just last weekend I went to the art gallery with Esther and I had an amazing time!

received_196308620927350.jpeg

“fish alcohol” ewww

And the start of a friendship is such a beautiful thing by the way. Getting to experience all of these feelings feels like a first time again; it is scary but enjoyable. After all, this is a fresh start for me, and, maybe not a new life, but a new chapter and I have a better grip on my story. Forever afraid to be loved but, remember what I say guys, use the fear as a fuel, don’t let it consume you. I’m learning to walk with my shaky legs and go through life again, even if I’ve been burned in the past. Learning to give second chances to everyone and myself.
I am so happy to have people I can call friends already! I just can’t wait to get to know them a little bit more and do more things together. Just be friends!

Everything is routine.

The kids are going to school after all, so it is normal for life to follow a very repetitive schedule which doesn’t make it any less fun. During the afternoons, after homework, sometimes we make art together or music or they just go outside play with their friends and I sit on my lonely ass and watch haha But having that structure is actually really helpful to get your shit together and build your own scheduled life around it and get to do your own things too.

IMG_20171009_161845_913.jpg

I will fully place my heart in these tiny hands.

I still struggle to wake up in the morning. I’d like to wake up at six so I can get a few things done before I wake the kids up. So far, I’ve only failed. But, I’m getting there. I usually wake up with my alarm but snooze until at least half past and sometimes all the way to ten to.
I’m doing my best, for once in my life, to lead a more organized existence. I’m not one for plans because WHY? and also because they aren’t compatible with the way my mind works. But, I’ve got goals and loads of things that I want to work on while I’m living the good life with my lovely Irish family. There are simple things I can do to make sure I can fit all of my hard work in my free time and not let my dreams sink instead of just giving into the laziness and fun side of life.

orca-image-1511381795748.jpg_1511381795920.jpeg
*wink wink*

It isn’t that hard to be invested in what you love. As a matter of fact, if you care enough about something/someone, you’ll find the time, energy and motivation for them. You’ll make way for it. Because there is always a way and if you’re not willing to trade some TV time for guitar practice or whatever it is you’re all about, then, maybe it doesn’t mean so much to you after all. You just have to care enough. Think about it like dessert after dinner; sometimes you’re full but you always manage to fit that delicious dessert in, don’t you? 😉
So, I’ve started a bullet journal to help guide me into my weeks and make sure I get work done and also, to keep track of me and see the big picture. So far, this first week of it was a disaster. I was not productive at all although I did get a few tasks done and I’ll blame it on my period, yes. But even though my journal has yet to be the magical cure to getting my shit together, just having a visual representation of all the things I didn’t do is helping me (beat myself up some more). And I definitely think that on the long term it’ll be a great guide and it’ll document my progress as a functioning adult artist.

 

I’m all settled in the school routine now so all I have to do is manage to fit my many passions (not hobbies, actual rocks that make me, my life an actual thing) in there. SQUEEZE THEM IN I don’t care, I have to fit them all someway somehow. And I think the key is to let go of foolish things like snoozing, tv shows and laying around (and only keep these for “lazy days” like Esther would put it 😉 ).

Oh and yeah, I bought my dream guitar ♥♥♥♥ (And there finally is a post about her on my blog here! )

IMG_20171119_185009_924.jpg
Dramatically chilling into the night

Therefore I am finally able to work hard on my dreams again and not feel so alone on those bone chilling lonely days.
Haven’t really been working hard, to keep this post honest, but trying! Like I said, I am indeed learning to organize my life and fit everything I do in there, so my hard work agenda has been wibbly wobbly these past few months. But I’m getting there. Step by step.
I have almost regained all the left-handed skills I had! My strumming is finally coming back quite nicely and my fretting hand is doing better by the day too. I’m making a point to practice my scales everyday even if that’s the only thing I pick up my guitar for.

IMG_20171111_163311.jpg

Eat it maybe?

(Which can get really frustrating sometimes cos I want to play and have fun, not just go through my scales! It isn’t that boring a thing, but you know, it’s like having simply salad for dinner. Doesn’t suck so bad but could’ve used something more…)
I have also gotten back to my music theory study and trying to keep the knowledge in my brain and also translate it through my hands to the guitar/eyes/ears. I’ve been making these little flash cards to quizz myself but I’ve found that it’s not enough to help me digest the knowledge. Or maybe that’s just cause I haven’t been working on it every single day too… hehehe :3 But I’ll study better and harder, promise!

New guitar, muscle memory and brain abs!

Looking forward..

..to life, more days. I’ve had very dark days these past years that were so heavy they left deep marks on my shoulders that have yet to fade. I’ve had days where I was unable to even look forward to my next attack on myself. I’ve had days where I clung onto the tiniest piece of light I had found in the back of a dirty drawer all the while wishing for it to go out. I’ve died a thousand times, like they said, and wished for thousands more.
But I think that at this moment in my life, I can tell that I am in a better place, a better headspace. I am not cured, of course not. My cuts have not healed and my darkness has not just disappeared. But I’ve regained so much of that light I thought for real that I had forever lost.

orca-image-1511295523619.jpg_1511295523859.jpegI’m happy. I’m alive. I’m living and enjoying my every days. Sure sometimes time flies and I feel like I’m so powerless and falling behind. Sometimes the storm sends big waves my way and I have to face them in a very adult way, meaning mostly keeping a face for the kids and keeping a happy house while I crumble inside. Sometimes shit sucks. Sometimes I suck. But I’m happy here. Almost. I’m okay. I’m fine.

I look forward to getting back more seriously into music. Writing songs and trying out open mic nights and maybe even busking! And I’m looking forward to feelings and emotions and connections. I look forward to progress and feeling myself evolve into a better singer/musician//artist.  I know that there’s so much bottled up inside, so many ideas just macerating in dark or dimly lit corners of my mind and I can’t wait to be able to turn them into actual things.

When I look ahead, all I hope to see is a life filled with all arts, human connections, smiles, laughter, friendships, adventures, LOVE and so much more! I can’t wait to create more. I can’t wait to meet more people and allow my current relationships to get deeper and brighter. I can’t wait for new things and feelings too.

I’m just overall excited about life. I guess in a very calm and normal way, which I’ve never been used to. I’m just like “Wow, tomorrow I’m having coffee with Esther; this is AWESOME LIFE IS SO BUSY WOOT WOOT”. Life, guys, life! There’s art, there’s love and there’s darkness too. I’m still me, hey. Looking forward to the light and the darkness; to the love and the heart-rips; to the bigger and still-big-but-less-bigger things.

I’m looking forward to more life, that’s it.

IMG_20171114_150507_914.jpg

Emily “found” a flower in her mandarin peel the other day and it was the prettiest thing

So, yeah, three months gone! Living the good life with the loveliest family and making warm memories. Discovering myself and learning on and on. Living and breathing and struggling to reconcile all of what I do with my new lifestyle and happiness. Excited, alive and burning brighter.

I’m trying hard to get things done and build my little empire so that I can work in it in order to build the bigger dream-empire. But, I’ve never learned how to be organized nor productive since school has taught me all the opposite; I’m really good at last-minute-intense-pressure-what-the-fuck-am-i-doing type of scenarios but not so good at spreading things over the week. I’m learning and I’m getting there. Hard to allow organization and a free mind to coexist; one just like to roam and go with the flow, it’ll happen if the feeling is there or not, while the other is all about this-should-be-done-right-now and I already know what we’ll do tomorrow. And, it’s hard. I’m learning.

I am thankful and I am happy. It’s lovely, it’s amazing and I’m glad that I took the leap, that I came here, followed my guts, stuck to my words and I just want more. I love my family, I love my city, I love my few friends and I love life.

Thank You, Universe! And to me too! ❤

Ready to go out by myself and rock my own world?

P.S.:  Tonight I am going to this really cool art-related event and it’s probably going to bring big things into my life so stay tuned, I’ll probably post about it soon!!! 😀 (still leaving some room for disappointment so that if it ends up not becoming too big a thing, my heart will break a little less harder. Just in case. You never know. I believe it’ll happen. But I can’t let myself fall completely into the arms of any fantasy anymore; I don’t want to burn too hard sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. Expect the pain and embrace the surprise of life.)

Pause and try to keep the timeline real?

Standard

I want to start off this week with a clear-ish idea of what my next moves are going to be and in order to do so, I need to take a few minutes and look back on this past month.

23313190_1615479661852770_1001218049_o

It’s kind of weird when I think about it, that I need to write down a list of things that I’ve actually experienced in the very close past for it to feel real? I mean, this is beyond the whole “pinch me, I’m dreaming” feeling of being in Ireland and being happy! It’s just the way my memories look inside of my brain, when I write it and talk about it, it actually brings back the feeling of them and it reminds me that they’re real. It makes them more tangible in a way, my mind can better grasp the concept of them being past but being real, and it’s a little less blurry. Just need life to feel a little less abstract?

I’ll just jump right in with a concise bullet point list of the bigger things that popped up in this life of mine. I’ll keep the awakenings and deep thoughts for other posts though, haha.

  • TFB put out a new album and I fell in love with them AGAIN
  • I got a left-handed guitar. (Super big deal, but appreciate how calm I can remain about it as I type this sentence without going all crazy with CAPS EvERywHERE)
  • I met Kim again and also a very good friend of hers!! ❤
  • I finally dived back in my music theory books and am trying to gain back those tiny bits of knowledge I barely had before
  • I got a new phone which is equally confusing me and amazing me. The qualityyyyyy
  • Hotel Books also has a new album out and my ears/heart have been blessed and wrecked by this gift
  • I bought two books
  • I had an anxiety fit (tiny) like I hadn’t in a long while and it ruined me for two days
  • Went to the woods with my family and saw a live DEER!!
  • New doors being open before my wide eyes…

Things have been really calm. And, besides my guitar being a really BIG deal, everything else that happened was just like a smooth and natural addition to the big painting that did not cause so much tumult. Well, the new music did get my emotions to go a little sideways and all but…. Man. Now that I wrote it all down, I realize that there really hasn’t been this much happening at all. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Slowly, I guess, is a good word to describe it? A slow fast tidy mess. Sounds good to me. But things are happening, or at least, I know that they will. I KNOW. I just can’t mention much yet because I’m scared of getting too excited about it and then having it just snatched from my sweaty hands… Sometimes I pause and I’m like, “Damn, Life has indeed scarred me.”Ha. It’s probably not that bad a thing although it often stops me from showing/experiencing any enthusiasm or happiness which actually sucks big fucking time. I’m not even sure if I’m excited about it anymore. In a way it does keep my feet on the ground I guess. But more often than not, it just ruins the fun of it all.

Anyway. Point is: shit’s about to get real. And I better brace myself cos I’m not fucking ready and it’s gonna be big and only get bigger and OH MY H

My first evening art class, 09.26.17

Standard

Last Tuesday, I attended my first evening art class at the community school. It was 3hours-ish long but it went by so fast. We were a small group, I would say less than twenty, and only three of us in our twenties (I felt it coming to be honest, I guess it’s the hours). And, long story short, I had a lovely time!

Since I started taking drawing seriously a year ago, I can say that I have greatly improved already. This first class was focused on taking the pressure off of drawing by looking at things from a much simpler point of view. We worked on three different things (although some people just worked on whatever over thing they actually felt like; chill, I swear, chillllllll atmosphere).

The first exercise was to copy a drawing which the teacher gave us, but upside down! That was so we weren’t focusing on the drawing as a thing but rather on the lines and their thickness and shapes. And it is amazing how just turning a piece of paper upside down can help! For the first quarter of the picture, I actually thought I was drawing a flower… This is what I spent most of the class working on, because I am very slow when focused (I realize that now and will work on it!) and I really wanted to finish it — I didn’t. I barely copied half of the picture by the end of the class so I finished it at home. Also, I ended up giving up after a while because I really wanted to move on to the last exercise!

 

I loved that exercise because it helped me be really focused and the final product really isn’t that bad! I know that if I had tried to copy the image the “regular way”, I would have struggled A LOT by allowing myself to get scared of the hands and face and overall size of the person. And that was exactly the point of it! I was so focused on getting all those lines to match the original ones and it was all I cared about. Seeing it as a person is a scary thing but shifting your perspective and seeing the picture as only a bunch of lines is not scary, it’s just technical and precision work.

Looking at the problem from a different angle to realize that in fact, it isn’t a problem at all, rather a slightly challenging hill to go down on. We’re not climbing, we’re rolling down. After all, that’s what a drawing is: a bunch of lines put together in a certain way to create a bigger thing. Do not see the mountain as a humongous rock but rather thousands of small rocks and pebbles. That’s the lesson this first class taught me and it shall help me through art and life in the future.

The other two exercises were all about exploring the different grades of our pencils. I barely spent a few minutes on these although I don’t think it is any less important than perspective. Know your tools!

My first impression of this class is a really good one. I love the calm and artistic atmosphere. I feel like this teacher is going to be one that I actually learn from and enjoy listening to. The two people I have talked to are the reason I enrolled in the first place; to make friends with the same interests as me. I don’t think that I can get an actual opinion from just one class (and the first one, that is!) but I honestly believe that I made a good choice and that these Tuesday evenings are going to bring me lots of joy and art clouds in my heart. And also, you know, I’m just in love with watching people being passionate about what they’re passionate about (yes sentence) and looking at old people just doing their things.

Help, there’s so much good happening in this life of mine now I’m afraid I won’t have enough room for all the happiness!

I’m looking forward to next Tuesday to see Rosaline again and get to know more of these people and work some more!

Until next post, just go for it; come on, go on! ❤

P.S.: Today, I have painted on a small square canvas a beautiful picture for my sister’s birthday (09/29) as a belated gift (cos yeah, I forgot….. BUSY WEEK I’M SORRY TTwTT) and I shall post it later, after she receives it in the mail! 😉