May has finally come to an end, and it’s with a heart even more filled with hope that I step onto this brand new month!
I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks with frustration and disappointment. I want so much and I have been beating myself up over not doing enough.
Now is the perfect occasion to take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture: acknowledge my progress, celebrate my achievements and admit that I have indeed been working hard, but also, remember where all of that is going to lead me, remember why it is all worth it.
This year had a pretty wonky start to say the least. Some months were harder than others both work-wise and storm-wise. But going through them never felt impossible! And, although it wasn’t an easily breezily swim, I made it through and am back on track now.
I took my glasses off and have successfully turned things around! Or maybe, to put it more accurately, I have turned myself around and regained a better perspective.
Life is still a rollercoaster, but I’m enjoying the ride and I even have fun during the big drops now. One of my personal goals for this month was to “feel good through the clouds” and”be nice to myself”, and I think I managed pretty well!
As per usual, E was a very intense light shining on me throughout the month, the perfect highlight to my every weekends. She has also been a very good reminder of simpler things and of the beauty of friendship. I thank the Universe so much for the gift that she is to me and to the world.
I’ve honestly been blessed with many many good times with Esther, which are bittersweetly soon to come to an end; for the moment, at least.
I’ve been making her loads of presents in hopes that my love travels across the ocean with her and never fades. I will miss hanging out with her and all our crazy weekends. But, just like her, I have yet to start facing those feelings. Only two more weeks now…
May prove to be such a rollercoaster ride, both mentally and physically!!!!! I’ve been working out much better this month. In fact, this month has proven to be the most “in control” one! Not in the way that you’d think though. And, once again, my trackers serve as reminders that I have tried, I have worked and I have lived.
When I say “in control”, I mean control of myself, not of life. Of course, that can’t be achieved! Ha ha!
I have been more in touch with my body and emotions and have learned to let go of the pressure and release my own grip around my neck to sometimes prioritize relaxing over grinding till death does me. (what) I’ve been rather easy-going to say the least! Slowly adopting a healthier “fuck it” way of life. I’ve been able to stop when it was necessary and to reward myself even on things that didn’t seem worth a treat.
I’ve just been nicer to myself over all, and it shows! I’m feeling good and confident. I know things will fall into place eventually. And I take care of myself as I am certainly the only one that can be me and be really good at that. I am the only friend that I cannot afford to lose. I need me to be me. You know what I mean? Ha ha.
The Universe needs me.
The artistic side of my life has been doing very great also!!
I was talking with Esther tonight on my way home and we were both pretty amazed when we realized that I have painted SIX paintings this month! Which is a lot. And actually, that was only these past two weeks!!
And this is something that makes me really happy, because I always find it hard to fit painting into my schedule. I don’t always have time or energy for it at night and my mornings are reserved for music! So, I kind of feel like I’ve made up for all those weeks gone without painting now! He he
In two months now, I have written six songs and shared them online. And I have to hang on to this number because it is something, and it is a lot indeed!
See, the thing is that I have a list with all my ideas on and there’s 19 on it, if not more, and seeing so few boxes ticked, it bothers me. And, so I think that one reason for why I have been feeling down is because I’ve been focusing more on what I haven’t done rather than all that’s been accomplished!
I’ve had my guitar for over nine months now. And in that short span of time, I’ve made loads of progress. I’ve regained all the skills I had lost and gained some more. Everything has gotten better. And my vocals, in spite of being a complete rollercoaster, have improved loads also!
I have, indeed, been through waves of regression & progression. Sometimes would spend too long without practicing and would lose all my vocal strength and then proceeded to gain them back the days after. All of which adds on to the frustration and overall makes it hard to feel like I am moving forward.
BUT over those months, I have improved LOADS. And, I have finally been able to write songs again which has been both liberating and a trap!
I was so happy when it first started happening: ideas pouring out of me again. But soon enough, it proved to be a harder task than it looked. I had some lucky moments where songs flew right out of me, but now, I’m hitting a rough patch.
Having probably been relying on those lucky-flow type of songs, I have lost my ways and therefore, everything has become a frustrating waiting on the bench. Once again. But I am not letting this happen! I might finally have learned how to learn from my mistakes; or, am learning, at least..
I have located the issue and so, I am ready to work on it! I realize that I have forgotten how and so, I must relearn the songwriting ways. I can’t just expect things to fall out every time I sit down and pick up my guitar. I’m not that lucky! Sometimes, you have to push them out! Let it happen, or make it happen. Either way, we’re moving forward.
Anyways. Point is that I have been working hard, even though I had some laziness relapse and some tough mental challenges or mishaps! And I do have six original songs. Which is pretty darn cool!
And so, as I sit down and write this, I try to picture myself in the upcoming months and years, making my way through life…
What I have gathered from all that I’ve been through so far is that there’s nothing that I can’t do. And there’s nothing that can stop me!
I’ve been down and down way low! And I always got back up, on my own each time. I have proven to be my best ally in this life, which is just how it should be, right? I always got my back. And I am learning to be an even better friend. Because so far, I’ve been meeting one too many people that got my undying love and selfless care and trashed it. And, not to sound too pompous, but I think that I am more deserving of that crazy love than they are. And so, I’m giving more to myself. Which doesn’t mean I’m giving less to everybody else (just ask E and you’ll see hehe)!
I’ve got all that I need to be everything that I need to be and build my little empire.
I have started from very low. I regret not having clips of my singing from fifteen years ago, just so we could do an actual comparison of it. All I have is vague memories. But I still have clips from two, three and even probably five or so years ago, if my brother hasn’t deleted it… Point is that I have made loads of progress over the years and a very satisfying condensed amount of progress in the past two years!
I am now capable of hitting notes that I once thought impossible. Nothing impressive. But coming from where I came, it still is a huge step forward. And as I keep going and building up skills, I realize that this is nothing compared to all the unlocked potential in me.
I know I can do so much! And I know that I will!! Nothing is impossible and this is real. I will get there eventually. Also, as much as things take time, sometimes they happen faster than they feel, if that makes any sense.
I am moving forward and I keep unlocking doors. And it feels crazy because I realize that I have come such a long way, and that I can do so much more. And I get horribly excited when I think of all I will achieve because I CAN DO ANYTHING! As long as I believe and as long as I don’t let go, this is happening.
And as I’ve been saying for these past few days, I can feel all of it happening. I hear it in the birds’ singing. I see it in the sky. And I feel it under my skin.
In two weeks from now, I will be flying home for ten days during which I will probably gradually be filled with a mix of excitement, hopefulness, happiness, fear and determination.
I have yet to form a concrete plan regarding what will happen of me after I’m back to the land of green. But, what I can tell you is: “YES”. Basically.
I am going to get out there and make it happen! I will be attending open mics or go busking or anything at all, really. But I will finally step into this reality that is calling out my name.
No more excuses now. I have original songs. Still practicing some covers. I have just enough to start putting myself out there and jump into that layer of the universe that fits me perfectly.
I am slowly starting to put things together in my head and get a somewhat plan. I think that during my stay in Reunion, it will take shape and as I come back to beautiful Ireland, I will be ready to jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down. 😉
To be continued…