Vulnerability & free pints

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I wrote two songs on Wednesday and boy, am I proud of them. They really managed to bring out some deep feelings/fears/hopes, and I think that’s mostly because they’ve been sitting drafts for six months now. I hope to be able to share them with you in the near future 😉

Sometimes, certain ideas/thoughts need to marinate before they can bloom into anything shareable, I must let them steep in flavors before I can cook them. And there’s just no other way, I can try and push them, but it won’t happen unless their heart is ready to beat.

These two did their time and even though I knew I would finish them this week, I was still surprised when it happened.

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Last week, I could hear them call out to me. Like ghosts, haunting me, in every corner of my mind, I’d hear their echoes, I’d see their colors, I’d feel them taking shape under my skin, boiling in my blood. And so when I sat down on Wednesday, they simply poured right out of me. I was overwhelmed as I looked at the small crumpled piece of paper that barely managed to hold these two freshly reopened wounds. But above everything, I was beyond excited to share them.

So, on Friday night, I was eager to play them live for the first time to a small crowd at the Haven open mic. Although my throat was very dry (despite my religiously drinking my mandarin peel infusion, but I’ll blame it on my nervousness) and breath support was barely happening, my performance was fine. Exceptionally emotional. My voice was struggling to get out there and stay on track, but I had these emotions coming pouring out of me that I almost cried on the second song. And it hit me that the wounds had never closed.

That second song I performed is called A different ending and is about dreadful separations, losing friends, love… But it’s not just hopelessness, there’s also a painful hopefulness deeply tied to the despair.

It took all these months for the song to tell me what it was aching for me to sing. At first I thought it was going to be simple, but then, when I was finishing it, writing those last lines, I found out that it was actually a song about my lost friend(s). And so much more. But, when I recorded it raw to give my close friends a listen, I was fine. So I did not expect me to break down while performing it. And boy, was that foolish of me.

There were sparks as I sang it but I guess I didn’t get it yet. When I performed it that night, I almost choked on my own heart as it was imploding with emotions. And as I was holding back the tears and keeping on singing, I realized I wasn’t over it. I mean, me, getting over something? Ha, ha! I knew I wasn’t but I thought, maybe, just maybe the pain had left, at least… And, as I have always preached, sharing the art is what truly gives life to it. A different ending came to life in the Haven, left the room silent and made the cracks on my heart glow again.

Anyways. I don’t really want to linger on and on on this. What I really wanted to write about is this vulnerability that I’ve been feeling very intensely lately! Which, I’d like to emphasize, is not a bad thing at all.

It’s no surprise if I tell you that going up on a stage, to do anything at all, can be a nerve-wracking experience. Although, usually, once you start, it gets better as you realize instant death under the audience’s gaze was only a spooky pipe dream. And even if you’re not super comfortable you realize you can survive it and if you’ve been blessed with bad eyesight (like the me) you might not even see the people in the room, and maybe for a split second you’ll tell yourself you could definitely do that again. It ain’t that bad. You might not like it, but at least you’ll know that it’ll take more than a room full of blurry people to take you down.

The real vulnerability I’m pointing my finger at right now though, is the one that comes with climbing on that stage with all your guts exposed and a screen on your chest. With my many (lolzor) years of theater in high-school/university, I’ve met people for whom a show is just that, a show, you know a persona, it’s all pretend. But I’ve never been that way. I like things to feel real, to be real and so I’ve always made a point to be honest in all I do. Well, at least in my art.

The closest experience I’ve ever had to what happened on Friday was during my last year of high school, when I played Ophelia from Hamlet, and went full-blown tragedy. That shit was intense when I played it for my final exam, I could feel all the feelings burning right through me. And all of it was real. We were the same person every time I would get up on a stage to play my scene and with time, we grew closer and closer. And the thing is that, with songs, it’s even worse..

Being on a stage already puts you in a vulnerable position, we got that. However, when you bring with you your very own songs, which you wrote with whatever came out first, tears, blood or whatever fueled your riffs, it’s even greater than simple vulnerability could describe it. Because these songs are made of you, it’s not just your vision of something else, it’s literally you (& more). And having to play these, especially when they reach as deep as A Different Ending and Find Me do, is…. Something else.

It is some type of bittersweet terror, I’d say. I put my all in these songs, not just energy and time, but also heart and I’m pretty sure parts of my soul end up in everything I make as well. They reached really deep into me (and I am learning, wishing, to go even deeper). And as much as I was dying to share them so I could breathe life into them and feel them fully, there was also this fear.

The last time I had to play a freshly written song live was with This Isn’t Me back in summer. But I didn’t apprehend it as much because this song, although being made of raw feelings of then, was not as deep. This time, though, I knew it would be different because these two new songs are actually me plucking my heart’s strings and the sounds it makes are hauntingly sincere. And, I swear, standing up in front of eight or twenty people, pouring your very heart out, takes more strength than you could imagine.

I would very much like to keep going because I still have loads of thoughts to share, but I have to cut this “short” now since I’d like to spend some time on my guitar (and theory books aaaaah) and if time allows it, maybe paint a thing or two. So, I will just add one more thing and then I will release your eyes.

All of Friday evening, apart from the emerging sadness after my performance, I was thinking about the reason why. Because I’ve felt many different things these past few weeks and sometimes I got discouraged and sincerely asked myself, what on earth is the point of all of this? And as I sat down and listened to these beautiful souls sharing their songs, I looked around me and within, and I just knew. That’s what we do.

We feel things intensely. We see things differently. And we morph them into bridges from reality to surreality or mirrors in which each can find their own truths and never be wrong. We turn ramblings of our souls into songs and nothing can compare to the cries of your heart echoing in someone else’s and feeling a whole room breathe to the beat of your pain & joy.

I refuse to let anyone, not even myself, ever try to convince me that art is pointless and life is meaningless. Because art fuels souls and the light each of us tiny stars emit keeps the Universe alive. And if it wasn’t for all of these passionate specks of dust, then there would be nothing.  You try and imagine a world without music, without colors or love. It’s everywhere and cannot be erased.

And that is why we were all in that room on Friday night. And that is why I kept on singing when I doubted. And it is why I won’t ever stop. 

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At the Brù on Monday

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My ten days back home.

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I’m not really sure where to start but I will remain as honest as I can afford. It’d actually be easier to just sugarcoat the story and call it a day. Frame that bright picture, put it up on the wall facing the front door, so that it is the first thing you notice when you walk into this perfectly folded paper house. If you know me at all, you would know that I am not about that life.

And, lately I think I have somehow gotten caught up in a weird state of being which is nothing like me at all. And I can’t stand it. I am trying to set things right, meanwhile I blame it all on summer.

But I will keep this honest because it is the only way. I don’t want to lie to myself and I want myself to remain real and express myself freely, especially on my virtual bubble. Non of that censoring bullshit over here. We’re doing it live! Let’s go!

First there was the excitement which kept me standing through the twenty hour long journey that seemed to never end. Then, there was the immediate feeling of “ugh” once I stepped into Paris; body and mind overcome with the most sincere conviction that I wouldn’t ever settle down in France if i ever do settle down. And then there was the indescribable joy of seeing my mother’s smile in real life after a full year of having a little too far away from her.

On the drive back home with my bff, it felt really nice to recognize everything, every single bit of the roads and mountains, the sky even! It felt nice but there was something else attached to that very comforting feeling, something I’m not sure I can describe just yet. A vague, background feeling that somehow overpowered me almost as much as the good one and unsettled me…

Witnessing my mom’s excitement over painting was something also. Something I have been dreaming of for years now! (I also managed to make some art myself but not so much.) I really hope she keeps doing it because I love her so much and I believe it’s the best thing for her right now.

I remember before I left, how I thought I would, without any issue, be able to work on my voice as usual, or even harder when I’d be at my mom’s since my brother was still in school leaving me time for it in the mornings. But as it turned out, I was all out of energy from the heat and also I just couldn’t commit to it. And once again, that overpowering background feeling… It crept up on me unannounced and then it just hung around me the whole time, ruining what was supposed to be a good time back home.

There was Nature and people. My island. Oh, how nothing’s changed. But everything is changing though. I had the greatest displeasure to witness some drastic changes being made and I was filled with disgust over how those men are trashing this beautiful little piece of heaven. It broke my heart. But, a little impromptu hike with an old friend by the ocean made me feel better. Seeing the ocean in all its wildness, calmed me down. Nothing ever truly changes. Buildings are kinda like tattoos, they look permanent but can be removed, and they don’t really last, they fade over time and they go down with us.

I was really happy to see Line again, we’ve been friends since we were 12! We walked for almost two hours and just talked about things, catching up, you know. And I was also very happy to get to see my friend Manélisa after two years!!! She has been in Quebec for two years now, studying 3D and cool stuff and she’s one of the best artist that I know! It was really nice spending an afternoon with her. She always fills me with confidence and determination! And I hope I get to see her one day in Quebec!!

I was of course really happy to see my bff too. It was almost like I never left. Although it did feel a little off, but that was all on me. That background feeling again. She was working during those ten days but she still did her best to come at my house every single afternoon and I did not thank her. Although I should have. But, yet again, I was living in the shadow of that background feeling.

And well, my family. I was really delighted to see them. I wish I could say they haven’t changed, but like everything else, although it has remained the same, it’s changed, and not necessarily for the best either. There were so many conflicting thoughts and feelings inside of me as my short time in the nest went by. Even now actually, I haven’t come to terms with everything just yet to be able to word it all and analyse & solve them.

My brother has grown so much! But I can see the effect of not having me around on him and it crushes my soul.. I could tell he was really happy to see me again and that he didn’t want me to leave again. And I feel like such a monster because, me being the stupid dickhead I am, back in that same old environment, couldn’t really fight the bad vibes emanating from my surroundings and reversed back to a poorer version of me. I wish I could have been a better sister but I felt trapped.

My nephew has grown so much as well! I didn’t exactly get to enjoy his company so much as he was materializing everyone else’s thoughts, hitting me when he could or running away most of the time, because I’ve been gone for so long, who the hell am I and why did I think that love was universally bulletproof? Only, I swear, on the last day he actually started to accept me back and let me hold him and all.

I’m not gonna lie, I know he is just a baby, but it hurt. Not just to be slapped constantly. Ha ha. But to be pushed away all the time and to have to power through the rejection and remain standing although my heart broke each time. I was also just in a very sensitive spot the whole time anyways so, can’t blame it all on him.

And then there was the dreaded departure.

I promised it all sucked so bad. I was terribly frustrated and disappointed by these ten days. I just expected them to be different. I expected this family love thing to taste different. All I got was an incurable heaviness in my heart.

I just thought I would be appreciated differently. But, it was just as if I had never left. Which was comforting in a way, only that comfortable feeling was a mere disguise for some bittersweet destruction. Sometimes I would just stop and look around, asking myself if it actually made any difference having me there because everything felt so unaltered by my presence. Maybe I was fooling myself, but I thought it would be different. And that crushed my dreamer’s heart a little bit too.

Point is, as the day of my departure grew closer, I was getting happier. I just couldn’t wait to leave, go back to a place where I actually felt good and felt like I was moving forward! So that feeling of relief was taking over.

And on the actual day, well, I did feel a pinch of sadness in my heart every time I would look at my mom or brother. But I couldn’t chase away the little thrill in my heart. Which ended up making me feel guilty. Because I was happy to leave it all behind. Hashtag I’m a monster…

A feeling only reinforced once we got to the airport and I was waiting to go through the security check, witnessing my brother just being distressed and trying to keep some form of composure. But as I was hugging him, he was sobbing in my arms. And I can’t describe how that made me feel. I had seen him cry before, I mean, he’s my little brother! But it was never like this. And the worst part was that it was all because of me. I was breaking his heart, and while doing so, I was actually happy. The guilt…

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Ten-year-old me with a young heart which I would break over and over

It was a long way back to Ireland. Especially with all those conflicting feelings. The guilt was killing me but the excitement kept me alive. I was happy to know that soon again I would be able to work on my music and see the city again.

When I got here, it was so sunny and hot. I was a little disappointed. But it didn’t even matter. Because I was where I wanted to be now…


So yeah, that’s how it felt.

It was not all bad, of course. It wasn’t bad at all! I had such a great time and everything was good. This is just an insight; all the underlying feelings, thoughts, wishes, that did ruin me but which did not change a thing either.

I know I did not make the most out of my time there because I let my feelings carry me away. That unwelcome darkness ate me real good. And I feel double worse for knowing that I was not just disappointed, but also disappointing everyone else. I wish I could have been better. But I don’t think I could’ve been.

Because, I also feel like, one of the reasons it was hard for me to feel as bright as I should’ve, was that I was coming home empty handed. I mean, sort of. Sure, I’ve accomplished loads in the single year I’ve been here. But there’s still nothing concrete just yet. It’s more a matter of personal progress and beginnings. But nothing much just yet. And I guess it felt wrong to be back so soon and not have anything to put on the table…


I’m gonna have to stop this now, because I have said enough and I’ve got other things to do.

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I miss you all so much..

I will forever remember the way my brother was sobbing, as silently as he could, in my arms that day. And I will forever remember how my mother and sister, in their own way, tried to look brave and unaffected each time I left. Gosh, I’m crying now! And, although it is not the fuel I went to look for, I will use these to power me and keep me running.

I love them, and they know that. And they also know why I am doing all of this. And that’s because there is nothing else I could do.. I know it’s hard but they support me. And I will keep making them (and myself) proud.

I’m chasing those dreams and I won’t ever stop, mom, I promise. ❤

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Somewhere there’s a place where I find who I’m gonna be
A somewhere that’s just waiting to be found

Someone In the Crowd, from La La Land

Looking back & forward

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May has finally come to an end, and it’s with a heart even more filled with hope that I step onto this brand new month!

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I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks with frustration and disappointment. I want so much and I have been beating myself up over not doing enough.

Now is the perfect occasion to take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture: acknowledge my progress, celebrate my achievements and admit that I have indeed been working hard, but also, remember where all of that is going to lead me, remember why it is all worth it.

This year had a pretty wonky start to say the least. Some months were harder than others both work-wise and storm-wise. But going through them never felt impossible! And, although it wasn’t an easily breezily swim, I made it through and am back on track now.

I took my glasses off and have successfully turned things around! Or maybe, to put it more accurately, I have turned myself around and regained a better perspective.

Life is still a rollercoaster, but I’m enjoying the ride and I even have fun during the big drops now. One of my personal goals for this month was to “feel good through the clouds” and”be nice to myself”, and I think I managed pretty well!

As per usual, E was a very intense light shining on me throughout the month, the perfect highlight to my every weekends. She has also been a very good reminder of simpler things and of the beauty of friendship. I thank the Universe so much for the gift that she is to me and to the world.

I’ve honestly been blessed with many many good times with Esther, which are bittersweetly soon to come to an end; for the moment, at least.

I’ve been making her loads of presents in hopes that my love travels across the ocean with her and never fades. I will miss hanging out with her and all our crazy weekends. But, just like her, I have yet to start facing those feelings. Only two more weeks now…

May prove to be such a rollercoaster ride, both mentally and physically!!!!! I’ve been working out much better this month. In fact, this month has proven to be the most “in control” one! Not in the way that you’d think though. And, once again, my trackers serve as reminders that I have tried, I have worked and I have lived.

When I say “in control”, I mean control of myself, not of life. Of course, that can’t be achieved! Ha ha!

I have been more in touch with my body and emotions and have learned to let go of the pressure and release my own grip around my neck to sometimes prioritize relaxing over grinding till death does me. (what) I’ve been rather easy-going to say the least! Slowly adopting a healthier “fuck it” way of life. I’ve been able to stop when it was necessary and to reward myself even on things that didn’t seem worth a treat.

I’ve just been nicer to myself over all, and it shows! I’m feeling good and confident. I know things will fall into place eventually. And I take care of myself as I am certainly the only one that can be me and be really good at that. I am the only friend that I cannot afford to lose. I need me to be me. You know what I mean? Ha ha.

The Universe needs me.

The artistic side of my life has been doing very great also!!

I was talking with Esther tonight on my way home and we were both pretty amazed when we realized that I have painted SIX paintings this month! Which is a lot. And actually, that was only these past two weeks!!

And this is something that makes me really happy, because I always find it hard to fit painting into my schedule. I don’t always have time or energy for it at night and my mornings are reserved for music! So, I kind of feel like I’ve made up for all those weeks gone without painting now! He he

In two months now, I have written six songs and shared them online. And I have to hang on to this number because it is something, and it is a lot indeed!

See, the thing is that I have a list with all my ideas on and there’s 19 on it, if not more, and seeing so few boxes ticked, it bothers me. And, so I think that one reason for why I have been feeling down is because I’ve been focusing more on what I haven’t done rather than all that’s been accomplished!

I’ve had my guitar for over nine months now. And in that short span of time, I’ve made loads of progress. I’ve regained all the skills I had lost and gained some more. Everything has gotten better. And my vocals, in spite of being a complete rollercoaster, have improved loads also!

I have, indeed, been through waves of regression & progression. Sometimes would spend too long without practicing and would lose all my vocal strength and then proceeded to gain them back the days after. All of which adds on to the frustration and overall makes it hard to feel like I am moving forward.

BUT over those months, I have improved LOADS. And, I have finally been able to write songs again which has been both liberating and a trap!

I was so happy when it first started happening: ideas pouring out of me again. But soon enough, it proved to be a harder task than it looked. I had some lucky moments where songs flew right out of me, but now, I’m hitting a rough patch.

Having probably been relying on those lucky-flow type of songs, I have lost my ways and therefore, everything has become a frustrating waiting on the bench. Once again. But I am not letting this happen! I might finally have learned how to learn from my mistakes; or, am learning, at least..

I have located the issue and so, I am ready to work on it! I realize that I have forgotten how and so, I must relearn the songwriting ways. I can’t just expect things to fall out every time I sit down and pick up my guitar. I’m not that lucky! Sometimes, you have to push them out! Let it happen, or make it happen. Either way, we’re moving forward.

Anyways. Point is that I have been working hard, even though I had some laziness relapse and some tough mental challenges or mishaps! And I do have six original songs. Which is pretty darn cool!

And so, as I sit down and write this, I try to picture myself in the upcoming months and years, making my way through life…

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What I have gathered from all that I’ve been through so far is that there’s nothing that I can’t do. And there’s nothing that can stop me!

I’ve been down and down way low! And I always got back up, on my own each time. I have proven to be my best ally in this life, which is just how it should be, right? I always got my back. And I am learning to be an even better friend. Because so far, I’ve been meeting one too many people that got my undying love and selfless care and trashed it. And, not to sound too pompous, but I think that I am more deserving of that crazy love than they are. And so, I’m giving more to myself. Which doesn’t mean I’m giving less to everybody else (just ask E and you’ll see hehe)!

I’ve got all that I need to be everything that I need to be and build my little empire.

I have started from very low. I regret not having clips of my singing from fifteen years ago, just so we could do an actual comparison of it. All I have is vague memories. But I still have clips from two, three and even probably five or so years ago, if my brother hasn’t deleted it… Point is that I have made loads of progress over the years and a very satisfying condensed amount of progress in the past two years!

I am now capable of hitting notes that I once thought impossible. Nothing impressive. But coming from where I came, it still is a huge step forward. And as I keep going and building up skills, I realize that this is nothing compared to all the unlocked potential in me.

I know I can do so much! And I know that I will!! Nothing is impossible and this is real. I will get there eventually. Also, as much as things take time, sometimes they happen faster than they feel, if that makes any sense.

I am moving forward and I keep unlocking doors. And it feels crazy because I realize that I have come such a long way, and that I can do so much more. And I get horribly excited when I think of all I will achieve because I CAN DO ANYTHING! As long as I believe and as long as I don’t let go, this is happening.

And as I’ve been saying for these past few days, I can feel all of it happening. I hear it in the birds’ singing. I see it in the sky. And I feel it under my skin.

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In two weeks from now, I will be flying home for ten days during which I will probably gradually be filled with a mix of excitement, hopefulness, happiness, fear and determination.

I have yet to form a concrete plan regarding what will happen of me after I’m back to the land of green. But, what I can tell you is: “YES”. Basically.

I am going to get out there and make it happen! I will be attending open mics or go busking or anything at all, really. But I will finally step into this reality that is calling out my name.

No more excuses now. I have original songs. Still practicing some covers. I have just enough to start putting myself out there and jump into that layer of the universe that fits me perfectly.

I am slowly starting to put things together in my head and get a somewhat plan. I think that during my stay in Reunion, it will take shape and as I come back to beautiful Ireland, I will be ready to jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down. 😉

To be continued…

Hard working rhymes with self-loving!

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Last week I took a break. Tried. And it was really hard.

But during the last few hours of it, I eventually had a breakthrough. And now I’m back on the road, at a slow walking pace, trying to catch up with the image of who I’m trying to be.

These four days were intended to be a “mental health break”, where I would let go of all the necessary and unnecessary pressure, and focus on feeling good. Relax, as Esther likes to say it. It was supposed to calm me down and help me find my way again. Kind of like a “spring cleaning” of my mind, sorta???

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It was hard to step away from work! Simply because “work” literally consists of all I’m passionate about. And also, it wasn’t easy to ignore the loud voice that always goes: “you gotta work harder or you’ll never get there on time”; ‘on time’ referring to my time, as in whenever I’m scheduled to die.

I had to resist the cravings to open up my books or pick up pens or bring out my guitar. And, at first, it was the hardest I had ever had to try not to do work!

But eventually, my body settled into a more relaxed, as in lazy, mode of life — which I actually used to be very used to, years ago.. And so I had four days that were very different from whatever lifestyle I had settled into ever since I got here.

Although they didn’t bring me the peace I expected, they really helped my sanity and body. I did loads of walking and watched loads of my favorite shows, and, most importantly, I let go of some of the pressure.

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If you know me, you know I’m not one to take breaks, and certainly not long ones.. But I’ve just been so stressed out these past few weeks that I had to do something about it. What motivated me to take action was that the small breakdowns just kept happening and it was both draining and frustrating.

Anything would be enough to make me feel defeated and get me on the floor. And it made it so hard for me to go through each day, accumulating disappointment and frustration. All I wanted was to make some progress, get things done and get better at everything. But I only got the opposite and it was down right irritating.

It created this crippling fear in me with the daily anticipation for the small struggles, disappointment and I-want-to-bang-my-head-on-the-wall’s. Every little thing felt a thousand times bigger and it weighed on my back, which was bending too much I was scared it’d break.

The last straw was fucking up my guitar restringing… I felt so heavy when I realized I fucked up. It was the most defeated I had been in a long while. I wanted to give up on everything!

And the thing is that I instantly knew why it made me feel that way. Which doesn’t happen all the time! You know, sometimes you need time to cool down and think back on a breakdown to realize which cat pushed the vase off the table and how that is why your foot is bleeding. what the hell did I just write

One, because I was so stressed out that anything that would come in the way of my work and “jeopardize” my progression towards my goals would freak me out. And two, because I was utterly disappointed in myself for failing at doing something I thought I was good at.

I mean, this was changing the strings on my guitar. Musician 101. And I thought that, even though I still don’t have that much experience, I could actually handle it and do a decent job on my own. It was kind of a slap in the face. Very small. But it was enough to throw me off my foot stool (which, with the edge of my bed, constitute my desk, aka working space, ha ha)… A small mistake, which can easily be fixed, and my whole career was annihilated!

And that was it, the moment I knew that I had to step away from it all before I would completely lose my marbles.

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I was overwhelmed that even breathing was too stressful

Now, I think that the reason that this happened is because I do not ever take real breaks. Small ones. And so I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing… And eventually, the tiredness and pressure accumulates and I only realize that I should stop and take care of myself when I’m so close to breaking. (Which is not that bad a thing! At least I know when to stop!)

I gotta work on that. I am working on it, as a matter of fact! I think I am finally starting to learn how to learn from my mistakes! Hip, hip, hooray!

I am thinking in a healthier way now, including breaks in my routines and allowing fun activities to relax in between the grind.

When I read what I just typed, I realized how silly it sounds. But my head is literally so focused on what is to come out of it, that sometimes I forget myself completely in my hardworking ways. And so I have to remind myself that I am a person behind all of those dreams and goals, that I have to take care of myself because without me, there is no me.

There you go, I made it even sillier! 😉

But what I mean is that I am at the bottom of it all, the foundation of the dreams. Healthy body, healthy mind. All of that. I sometimes get so absorbed by the idea of hard work that I neglect myself which is a big issue that I must work on fixing for the sake of all. If I can’t stand, nobody will drag me to the other side of the mountains and then nothing will be possible anymore.

There’s only one door to all possibilities and that’s me.

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I gotta take better care of myself for I am the only one that can turn my dreams into reality.

This is a hard concept for me to comply with because, like I said, the over-achieving-hard-working-gotta-make-it-happen part of me always gets the upper hand. And that hand is a hard ruling one; an imperious one, dare I say! And that little dictator has that unhealthy way of correlating “fun” with “slacking off”… So, I guess that is why it is hard for me to learn that working hard doesn’t mean “always beating yourself up and neglecting the poor little human that you are”.

You know, people always say “Don’t let them kill your spark!”. But I think that what we should say is “Don’t beat the dreams out of yourself!”. Have I said that before? (yes) Because sometimes, by dreaming too hard, we kill our own fire. And that’s one of the things I kept telling myself during these four days, this is not what music is all about.

I have been too overwhelmed lately. Not just by work. Although, it is part of the problem. There’s been too much tension and frustration. And I was feeling miserable. Which is definitely NOT what art is all about.

Art is my safe place. It feels good and it makes me feel alive. And it should always feel that way. But I let my demons eat away at me again and I let them go too close to the fire and they got a bite out of my dreams..

But I’m bouncing back up now!

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My break didn’t really relax me. If anything, it stressed me out some more. I was just trying so hard not be stressed out at first, that I got overwhelmed. Took me a while to find back the “easy going” way.

But it made me remember something…

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I don’t exactly remember it, but I know I mentioned it in several posts last year, because that’s when this new point of view came and changed my life. And this, my friends, is a very crucial key for me to keep moving through life. Don’t let the fear paralyze you; instead, let it fuel you. Work through it. Work through the storm! Not because you’re scared means you shouldn’t even try.

And I realized that, lately, I had let the fear eat me up and this is not okay.

It’s time to kick those demons in the ass again, remind them where they belong. I know they can’t leave, and I’m kind of fine with them staying; that’s not what I’m asking. What  I demand is that they stay put in their place. I am in charge. They are tied to the tree while am roaming free!

So, I am ready to get my shit back together now. We’re two days after the end of my short break and I’ve been doing okay. I’ve been really nice to myself and letting it happen. I’ve not been pushing too much and my head is up. I’m doing my best!

I am happy because I know that I can count on me and knowing what I know about me, I’m glad to know that I’ve got my back. I know this is weirdly-phrased but what I mean is that it feels good to be able to trust yourself like this and know that you are enough, you’ve got all it takes to provide for yourself on this crazy adventure!

Now, this is a long post like we hadn’t seen in a while, ain’t it? I’m glad I got all of this out! I am so ready for a more self-loving hard-working life and I can’t wait for you guys to hear the new songs! Also, there will be paintings soon with my mom and brother’s birthdays coming in June!

Plus a special little BIG news…. hehe

Until next post, remember to be kind to you and to everyone else and do not let fear stop you! Coexist with your own storm(s?)! ❤

Positive bullets #5

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Finally back with some P.B.; it’s been a while!

I’m in need for some of those bright vibes, warm reminders, to feel okay tonight. So, let’s shoot that happiness!

  • Peppermint tea!
  • When my host mom makes me tea
  • Bob Seger
  • When the sun hits the trees and they’re so colorful and bright!
  • My mom’s knitted creations!
  • Knowing that I can play the guitar right-handed AND left-handed
  • The vibrations in my body when I sing
  • Caffè Nero in town
  • Those chocolate bars that look like butts
  • Hugs
  • The way Esther says my name
  • Button mushrooms & broccoli
  • Soy sauce
  • My kitty slippers
  • Using silly words to censor myself when chatting with the kids
  • My flower-printed bed sheets
  • My yellow shoes
  • When the wind makes my dress sway gently and it feels like I’m flying
  • The way my best friend says “ah la la”, and even better, when we say it at the same time!
  • Jason Bateman he he
  • Cat videos!
  • Will Arnett’s voice
  • That feeling when I understand music theory material
  • When my fingertips hurt from playing the guitar
  • That first stretch in the morning that feels like death and life at once
  • My little pony socks
  • Peanut butter and banana toasts!!!!!

Alrighty! Five minutes out!

I do feel better now. 🙂

For those of you that have no idea wth this is: It’s a thing I started back in 2016(?) when the storm was going pretty strong. I set a timer for five minutes and I jot down things that make me smile, that make me happy, things I enjoy, etc. It serves as a reminder of the light that surrounds us. And it’s like a little positivity shot!

Sometimes you can feel lost or overwhelmed by the silliest things, so it’s always nice to sit down and remember those little sparks that brighten up your life. It’s comforting. And as you write them down, it tickles those memories in your brain, and you smile as you recall how they make you feel. And you breathe better once you’re done as you remember that there is so much good in your life, no matter the amount of darkness, no matter how worn out life can get you.

Until next post, keep your eyes peeled; the Light is here! ❤

The right to sleep.

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Life is a constant struggle. Ain’t it?

There’s always so much you want to do and always so little time. And it’s so easy to get distracted or lost and waste that time in very silly ways. This is what I’ve been wrecking my brains over lately: trying to use my time wisely. Which is mostly why I picked up on the whole bullet journal trend!

You know I’m all about… everything, right? If you look at my tracker, you’ll see music theory, guitar, voice, art, writing, reading and Italian fighting their way into my daily life. And, of course, on top of that you have my desperate needs to keep a social life and a healthy body. Of course, you’ll tell me, it’s hard to manage all those things at once, why don’t you pick one? And I would probably very rudely answer, “No.”

I don’t wanna and I won’t. Because that’s not the issue. There is enough time in a day to fit at least a consistent 75% of these. It doesn’t have to be everything at once, but a nice amount of… a couple of them. Or maybe just one but really intensely then. Or maybe I’m just delusional… yes

The real issue is that sometimes I get lost in silly daydreams and I let my time slip right outta my hands for a hollow ephemeral mental bliss. It’s like a fucking drug, I swear. I’m trying to fight that because it is not the healthy type! And it’s also double-edged because in the end it brings more pain than pleasure, and more anxiety than peacefulness as I panic over all the time that I just lost.

As I’m really serious about those things, I want myself to be sincerely dedicated to them to make them move my way and as fast as possible because I’m getting tired of waiting! And sometimes, I get really tyrant-like with myself…

I’ve got this really unhealthy belief that I do not deserve rest or distractions or treats unless I have worked what I consider a considerable amount that day. I do realize that I need sleep though to be able to go on and keep working hard the next day. But I do go to bed feeling really guilty and shameful if I haven’t done at least half of the work that I had in mind for the day.

I’m working on it, don’t you worry. But easing the grip around my neck doesn’t mean self-discipline is out of the door. I still think that treats are earned. Sleep, on the other hand, should not be on the bidding table(is there such thing?).

Anyway. I’m writing all of that just to dramatically state that tonight, I have earned the right to sleep.

This day started out pretty “meh…”. Bad vibes and then, I’m not going to lie, a lot of dancing around and fooling around instead of serious work. And then it got turned around. Although I only had a mere hour and a half out of my four hours of daily morning free time, I did kick the shit out of it.

I didn’t work so well on my voice or guitar. But I practiced the two songs that I have been learning (Girl Crush by Little Big Town and In the Mourning by Paramore), in order to perform for my host family and eventually at an open mic session or something. Just to get me started. And it’s taking me forever And I posted a cover on my YT channel. AND I got yet another song idea!

And then, tonight, I have completed the first draft of the last chapter of my story Uncage the Night. And I posted here on the blog, aka the place to be! 😉

This is why, I have earned the right to skip my Italian revision tonight and go to bed (still gonna read a bit first, though) before eleven!

It feels good to get things done! And it feels bad to waste my time. Why isn’t it so simple as to just stop doing the things you know are wrong? Meh; where’s the fun in that?!

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Until next post, sleep, my dude! ❤