Quote

Somewhere there’s a place where I find who I’m gonna be
A somewhere that’s just waiting to be found

Someone In the Crowd, from La La Land

Advertisements

Looking back & forward

Standard

May has finally come to an end, and it’s with a heart even more filled with hope that I step onto this brand new month!

IMG_20180525_145809.jpg

I have been struggling a lot these past few weeks with frustration and disappointment. I want so much and I have been beating myself up over not doing enough.

Now is the perfect occasion to take a few steps back and look at the bigger picture: acknowledge my progress, celebrate my achievements and admit that I have indeed been working hard, but also, remember where all of that is going to lead me, remember why it is all worth it.

This year had a pretty wonky start to say the least. Some months were harder than others both work-wise and storm-wise. But going through them never felt impossible! And, although it wasn’t an easily breezily swim, I made it through and am back on track now.

I took my glasses off and have successfully turned things around! Or maybe, to put it more accurately, I have turned myself around and regained a better perspective.

Life is still a rollercoaster, but I’m enjoying the ride and I even have fun during the big drops now. One of my personal goals for this month was to “feel good through the clouds” and”be nice to myself”, and I think I managed pretty well!

As per usual, E was a very intense light shining on me throughout the month, the perfect highlight to my every weekends. She has also been a very good reminder of simpler things and of the beauty of friendship. I thank the Universe so much for the gift that she is to me and to the world.

I’ve honestly been blessed with many many good times with Esther, which are bittersweetly soon to come to an end; for the moment, at least.

I’ve been making her loads of presents in hopes that my love travels across the ocean with her and never fades. I will miss hanging out with her and all our crazy weekends. But, just like her, I have yet to start facing those feelings. Only two more weeks now…

May prove to be such a rollercoaster ride, both mentally and physically!!!!! I’ve been working out much better this month. In fact, this month has proven to be the most “in control” one! Not in the way that you’d think though. And, once again, my trackers serve as reminders that I have tried, I have worked and I have lived.

When I say “in control”, I mean control of myself, not of life. Of course, that can’t be achieved! Ha ha!

I have been more in touch with my body and emotions and have learned to let go of the pressure and release my own grip around my neck to sometimes prioritize relaxing over grinding till death does me. (what) I’ve been rather easy-going to say the least! Slowly adopting a healthier “fuck it” way of life. I’ve been able to stop when it was necessary and to reward myself even on things that didn’t seem worth a treat.

I’ve just been nicer to myself over all, and it shows! I’m feeling good and confident. I know things will fall into place eventually. And I take care of myself as I am certainly the only one that can be me and be really good at that. I am the only friend that I cannot afford to lose. I need me to be me. You know what I mean? Ha ha.

The Universe needs me.

The artistic side of my life has been doing very great also!!

I was talking with Esther tonight on my way home and we were both pretty amazed when we realized that I have painted SIX paintings this month! Which is a lot. And actually, that was only these past two weeks!!

And this is something that makes me really happy, because I always find it hard to fit painting into my schedule. I don’t always have time or energy for it at night and my mornings are reserved for music! So, I kind of feel like I’ve made up for all those weeks gone without painting now! He he

In two months now, I have written six songs and shared them online. And I have to hang on to this number because it is something, and it is a lot indeed!

See, the thing is that I have a list with all my ideas on and there’s 19 on it, if not more, and seeing so few boxes ticked, it bothers me. And, so I think that one reason for why I have been feeling down is because I’ve been focusing more on what I haven’t done rather than all that’s been accomplished!

I’ve had my guitar for over nine months now. And in that short span of time, I’ve made loads of progress. I’ve regained all the skills I had lost and gained some more. Everything has gotten better. And my vocals, in spite of being a complete rollercoaster, have improved loads also!

I have, indeed, been through waves of regression & progression. Sometimes would spend too long without practicing and would lose all my vocal strength and then proceeded to gain them back the days after. All of which adds on to the frustration and overall makes it hard to feel like I am moving forward.

BUT over those months, I have improved LOADS. And, I have finally been able to write songs again which has been both liberating and a trap!

I was so happy when it first started happening: ideas pouring out of me again. But soon enough, it proved to be a harder task than it looked. I had some lucky moments where songs flew right out of me, but now, I’m hitting a rough patch.

Having probably been relying on those lucky-flow type of songs, I have lost my ways and therefore, everything has become a frustrating waiting on the bench. Once again. But I am not letting this happen! I might finally have learned how to learn from my mistakes; or, am learning, at least..

I have located the issue and so, I am ready to work on it! I realize that I have forgotten how and so, I must relearn the songwriting ways. I can’t just expect things to fall out every time I sit down and pick up my guitar. I’m not that lucky! Sometimes, you have to push them out! Let it happen, or make it happen. Either way, we’re moving forward.

Anyways. Point is that I have been working hard, even though I had some laziness relapse and some tough mental challenges or mishaps! And I do have six original songs. Which is pretty darn cool!

And so, as I sit down and write this, I try to picture myself in the upcoming months and years, making my way through life…

IMG_20180528_124038.jpg

What I have gathered from all that I’ve been through so far is that there’s nothing that I can’t do. And there’s nothing that can stop me!

I’ve been down and down way low! And I always got back up, on my own each time. I have proven to be my best ally in this life, which is just how it should be, right? I always got my back. And I am learning to be an even better friend. Because so far, I’ve been meeting one too many people that got my undying love and selfless care and trashed it. And, not to sound too pompous, but I think that I am more deserving of that crazy love than they are. And so, I’m giving more to myself. Which doesn’t mean I’m giving less to everybody else (just ask E and you’ll see hehe)!

I’ve got all that I need to be everything that I need to be and build my little empire.

I have started from very low. I regret not having clips of my singing from fifteen years ago, just so we could do an actual comparison of it. All I have is vague memories. But I still have clips from two, three and even probably five or so years ago, if my brother hasn’t deleted it… Point is that I have made loads of progress over the years and a very satisfying condensed amount of progress in the past two years!

I am now capable of hitting notes that I once thought impossible. Nothing impressive. But coming from where I came, it still is a huge step forward. And as I keep going and building up skills, I realize that this is nothing compared to all the unlocked potential in me.

I know I can do so much! And I know that I will!! Nothing is impossible and this is real. I will get there eventually. Also, as much as things take time, sometimes they happen faster than they feel, if that makes any sense.

I am moving forward and I keep unlocking doors. And it feels crazy because I realize that I have come such a long way, and that I can do so much more. And I get horribly excited when I think of all I will achieve because I CAN DO ANYTHING! As long as I believe and as long as I don’t let go, this is happening.

And as I’ve been saying for these past few days, I can feel all of it happening. I hear it in the birds’ singing. I see it in the sky. And I feel it under my skin.

IMG_20170804_153709.jpg

In two weeks from now, I will be flying home for ten days during which I will probably gradually be filled with a mix of excitement, hopefulness, happiness, fear and determination.

I have yet to form a concrete plan regarding what will happen of me after I’m back to the land of green. But, what I can tell you is: “YES”. Basically.

I am going to get out there and make it happen! I will be attending open mics or go busking or anything at all, really. But I will finally step into this reality that is calling out my name.

No more excuses now. I have original songs. Still practicing some covers. I have just enough to start putting myself out there and jump into that layer of the universe that fits me perfectly.

I am slowly starting to put things together in my head and get a somewhat plan. I think that during my stay in Reunion, it will take shape and as I come back to beautiful Ireland, I will be ready to jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down. 😉

To be continued…

Hard working rhymes with self-loving!

Standard

Last week I took a break. Tried. And it was really hard.

But during the last few hours of it, I eventually had a breakthrough. And now I’m back on the road, at a slow walking pace, trying to catch up with the image of who I’m trying to be.

These four days were intended to be a “mental health break”, where I would let go of all the necessary and unnecessary pressure, and focus on feeling good. Relax, as Esther likes to say it. It was supposed to calm me down and help me find my way again. Kind of like a “spring cleaning” of my mind, sorta???

IMG_20180420_160823.jpg

It was hard to step away from work! Simply because “work” literally consists of all I’m passionate about. And also, it wasn’t easy to ignore the loud voice that always goes: “you gotta work harder or you’ll never get there on time”; ‘on time’ referring to my time, as in whenever I’m scheduled to die.

I had to resist the cravings to open up my books or pick up pens or bring out my guitar. And, at first, it was the hardest I had ever had to try not to do work!

But eventually, my body settled into a more relaxed, as in lazy, mode of life — which I actually used to be very used to, years ago.. And so I had four days that were very different from whatever lifestyle I had settled into ever since I got here.

Although they didn’t bring me the peace I expected, they really helped my sanity and body. I did loads of walking and watched loads of my favorite shows, and, most importantly, I let go of some of the pressure.

IMG_20180513_202919_305.jpg

If you know me, you know I’m not one to take breaks, and certainly not long ones.. But I’ve just been so stressed out these past few weeks that I had to do something about it. What motivated me to take action was that the small breakdowns just kept happening and it was both draining and frustrating.

Anything would be enough to make me feel defeated and get me on the floor. And it made it so hard for me to go through each day, accumulating disappointment and frustration. All I wanted was to make some progress, get things done and get better at everything. But I only got the opposite and it was down right irritating.

It created this crippling fear in me with the daily anticipation for the small struggles, disappointment and I-want-to-bang-my-head-on-the-wall’s. Every little thing felt a thousand times bigger and it weighed on my back, which was bending too much I was scared it’d break.

The last straw was fucking up my guitar restringing… I felt so heavy when I realized I fucked up. It was the most defeated I had been in a long while. I wanted to give up on everything!

And the thing is that I instantly knew why it made me feel that way. Which doesn’t happen all the time! You know, sometimes you need time to cool down and think back on a breakdown to realize which cat pushed the vase off the table and how that is why your foot is bleeding. what the hell did I just write

One, because I was so stressed out that anything that would come in the way of my work and “jeopardize” my progression towards my goals would freak me out. And two, because I was utterly disappointed in myself for failing at doing something I thought I was good at.

I mean, this was changing the strings on my guitar. Musician 101. And I thought that, even though I still don’t have that much experience, I could actually handle it and do a decent job on my own. It was kind of a slap in the face. Very small. But it was enough to throw me off my foot stool (which, with the edge of my bed, constitute my desk, aka working space, ha ha)… A small mistake, which can easily be fixed, and my whole career was annihilated!

And that was it, the moment I knew that I had to step away from it all before I would completely lose my marbles.

IMG_20180509_104606.jpg

I was overwhelmed that even breathing was too stressful

Now, I think that the reason that this happened is because I do not ever take real breaks. Small ones. And so I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing… And eventually, the tiredness and pressure accumulates and I only realize that I should stop and take care of myself when I’m so close to breaking. (Which is not that bad a thing! At least I know when to stop!)

I gotta work on that. I am working on it, as a matter of fact! I think I am finally starting to learn how to learn from my mistakes! Hip, hip, hooray!

I am thinking in a healthier way now, including breaks in my routines and allowing fun activities to relax in between the grind.

When I read what I just typed, I realized how silly it sounds. But my head is literally so focused on what is to come out of it, that sometimes I forget myself completely in my hardworking ways. And so I have to remind myself that I am a person behind all of those dreams and goals, that I have to take care of myself because without me, there is no me.

There you go, I made it even sillier! 😉

But what I mean is that I am at the bottom of it all, the foundation of the dreams. Healthy body, healthy mind. All of that. I sometimes get so absorbed by the idea of hard work that I neglect myself which is a big issue that I must work on fixing for the sake of all. If I can’t stand, nobody will drag me to the other side of the mountains and then nothing will be possible anymore.

There’s only one door to all possibilities and that’s me.

IMG_20180515_205500.jpg

I gotta take better care of myself for I am the only one that can turn my dreams into reality.

This is a hard concept for me to comply with because, like I said, the over-achieving-hard-working-gotta-make-it-happen part of me always gets the upper hand. And that hand is a hard ruling one; an imperious one, dare I say! And that little dictator has that unhealthy way of correlating “fun” with “slacking off”… So, I guess that is why it is hard for me to learn that working hard doesn’t mean “always beating yourself up and neglecting the poor little human that you are”.

You know, people always say “Don’t let them kill your spark!”. But I think that what we should say is “Don’t beat the dreams out of yourself!”. Have I said that before? (yes) Because sometimes, by dreaming too hard, we kill our own fire. And that’s one of the things I kept telling myself during these four days, this is not what music is all about.

I have been too overwhelmed lately. Not just by work. Although, it is part of the problem. There’s been too much tension and frustration. And I was feeling miserable. Which is definitely NOT what art is all about.

Art is my safe place. It feels good and it makes me feel alive. And it should always feel that way. But I let my demons eat away at me again and I let them go too close to the fire and they got a bite out of my dreams..

But I’m bouncing back up now!

sky

My break didn’t really relax me. If anything, it stressed me out some more. I was just trying so hard not be stressed out at first, that I got overwhelmed. Took me a while to find back the “easy going” way.

But it made me remember something…

IMG_20180514_213901.jpg

I don’t exactly remember it, but I know I mentioned it in several posts last year, because that’s when this new point of view came and changed my life. And this, my friends, is a very crucial key for me to keep moving through life. Don’t let the fear paralyze you; instead, let it fuel you. Work through it. Work through the storm! Not because you’re scared means you shouldn’t even try.

And I realized that, lately, I had let the fear eat me up and this is not okay.

It’s time to kick those demons in the ass again, remind them where they belong. I know they can’t leave, and I’m kind of fine with them staying; that’s not what I’m asking. What  I demand is that they stay put in their place. I am in charge. They are tied to the tree while am roaming free!

So, I am ready to get my shit back together now. We’re two days after the end of my short break and I’ve been doing okay. I’ve been really nice to myself and letting it happen. I’ve not been pushing too much and my head is up. I’m doing my best!

I am happy because I know that I can count on me and knowing what I know about me, I’m glad to know that I’ve got my back. I know this is weirdly-phrased but what I mean is that it feels good to be able to trust yourself like this and know that you are enough, you’ve got all it takes to provide for yourself on this crazy adventure!

Now, this is a long post like we hadn’t seen in a while, ain’t it? I’m glad I got all of this out! I am so ready for a more self-loving hard-working life and I can’t wait for you guys to hear the new songs! Also, there will be paintings soon with my mom and brother’s birthdays coming in June!

Plus a special little BIG news…. hehe

Until next post, remember to be kind to you and to everyone else and do not let fear stop you! Coexist with your own storm(s?)! ❤

Positive bullets #5

Standard

Finally back with some P.B.; it’s been a while!

I’m in need for some of those bright vibes, warm reminders, to feel okay tonight. So, let’s shoot that happiness!

  • Peppermint tea!
  • When my host mom makes me tea
  • Bob Seger
  • When the sun hits the trees and they’re so colorful and bright!
  • My mom’s knitted creations!
  • Knowing that I can play the guitar right-handed AND left-handed
  • The vibrations in my body when I sing
  • Caffè Nero in town
  • Those chocolate bars that look like butts
  • Hugs
  • The way Esther says my name
  • Button mushrooms & broccoli
  • Soy sauce
  • My kitty slippers
  • Using silly words to censor myself when chatting with the kids
  • My flower-printed bed sheets
  • My yellow shoes
  • When the wind makes my dress sway gently and it feels like I’m flying
  • The way my best friend says “ah la la”, and even better, when we say it at the same time!
  • Jason Bateman he he
  • Cat videos!
  • Will Arnett’s voice
  • That feeling when I understand music theory material
  • When my fingertips hurt from playing the guitar
  • That first stretch in the morning that feels like death and life at once
  • My little pony socks
  • Peanut butter and banana toasts!!!!!

Alrighty! Five minutes out!

I do feel better now. 🙂

For those of you that have no idea wth this is: It’s a thing I started back in 2016(?) when the storm was going pretty strong. I set a timer for five minutes and I jot down things that make me smile, that make me happy, things I enjoy, etc. It serves as a reminder of the light that surrounds us. And it’s like a little positivity shot!

Sometimes you can feel lost or overwhelmed by the silliest things, so it’s always nice to sit down and remember those little sparks that brighten up your life. It’s comforting. And as you write them down, it tickles those memories in your brain, and you smile as you recall how they make you feel. And you breathe better once you’re done as you remember that there is so much good in your life, no matter the amount of darkness, no matter how worn out life can get you.

Until next post, keep your eyes peeled; the Light is here! ❤

The right to sleep.

Standard

Life is a constant struggle. Ain’t it?

There’s always so much you want to do and always so little time. And it’s so easy to get distracted or lost and waste that time in very silly ways. This is what I’ve been wrecking my brains over lately: trying to use my time wisely. Which is mostly why I picked up on the whole bullet journal trend!

You know I’m all about… everything, right? If you look at my tracker, you’ll see music theory, guitar, voice, art, writing, reading and Italian fighting their way into my daily life. And, of course, on top of that you have my desperate needs to keep a social life and a healthy body. Of course, you’ll tell me, it’s hard to manage all those things at once, why don’t you pick one? And I would probably very rudely answer, “No.”

I don’t wanna and I won’t. Because that’s not the issue. There is enough time in a day to fit at least a consistent 75% of these. It doesn’t have to be everything at once, but a nice amount of… a couple of them. Or maybe just one but really intensely then. Or maybe I’m just delusional… yes

The real issue is that sometimes I get lost in silly daydreams and I let my time slip right outta my hands for a hollow ephemeral mental bliss. It’s like a fucking drug, I swear. I’m trying to fight that because it is not the healthy type! And it’s also double-edged because in the end it brings more pain than pleasure, and more anxiety than peacefulness as I panic over all the time that I just lost.

As I’m really serious about those things, I want myself to be sincerely dedicated to them to make them move my way and as fast as possible because I’m getting tired of waiting! And sometimes, I get really tyrant-like with myself…

I’ve got this really unhealthy belief that I do not deserve rest or distractions or treats unless I have worked what I consider a considerable amount that day. I do realize that I need sleep though to be able to go on and keep working hard the next day. But I do go to bed feeling really guilty and shameful if I haven’t done at least half of the work that I had in mind for the day.

I’m working on it, don’t you worry. But easing the grip around my neck doesn’t mean self-discipline is out of the door. I still think that treats are earned. Sleep, on the other hand, should not be on the bidding table(is there such thing?).

Anyway. I’m writing all of that just to dramatically state that tonight, I have earned the right to sleep.

This day started out pretty “meh…”. Bad vibes and then, I’m not going to lie, a lot of dancing around and fooling around instead of serious work. And then it got turned around. Although I only had a mere hour and a half out of my four hours of daily morning free time, I did kick the shit out of it.

I didn’t work so well on my voice or guitar. But I practiced the two songs that I have been learning (Girl Crush by Little Big Town and In the Mourning by Paramore), in order to perform for my host family and eventually at an open mic session or something. Just to get me started. And it’s taking me forever And I posted a cover on my YT channel. AND I got yet another song idea!

This afternoon, I filmed bits and pieces for a video coming soon on my second channel. AND, I posted a short update video saying I’m not dead and things are alive again.

And then, tonight, I have completed the first draft of the last chapter of my story Uncage the Night. And I posted here on the blog, aka the place to be! 😉

This is why, I have earned the right to skip my Italian revision tonight and go to bed (still gonna read a bit first, though) before eleven!

It feels good to get things done! And it feels bad to waste my time. Why isn’t it so simple as to just stop doing the things you know are wrong? Meh; where’s the fun in that?!

IMG_20180426_172020.jpg

Until next post, sleep, my dude! ❤

The “H” word.

Standard

Happiness is not a sacred land that you can only reach after years of hard work. That is purely a fantasy.

Happiness is not an everlasting bliss. That is delusional.

Happiness isn’t a mysterious light at the end of a tunnel that you pursue.

Just like sadness, happiness doesn’t last forever for it’s only an emotion. And emotions aren’t forever. They have a certain duration and intensity, and more often then not, they fade fast. They’re only passing through.

How long it lasts only depends on what caused it. It can be a person, a thing, a moment, a dream; anything. It can be recurring. Like, when you see them again; each time. But it’s never a constant line. It needs to take breaks, breathe in, freshen up so it doesn’t get old. It’s interrupted by other emotions, sudden waves. Or it simply fades out after a while, like a cigarette slowly consumed by your eager lips.

 

It can’t last.

Because nothing lasts.

“Forever happy” is a fantasy. Happiness is a moment; a deep breath; a smile; a smaller piece of dust from the sea of dust blowing in the wind.

Happiness is the little things, the bigger ones. It’s the people, you. It can be found anywhere, in anyone, anything, at any time. And it’s a lovely emotion, it feels really good. But it doesn’t last. And it isn’t as big a deal as you’d like to believe.

 

Don’t reach out for a fantasy. Reach in and around for a real emotion, a pure bliss and enjoy it as it runs through you.

Happiness is now. It’s everyday. And it’s never lonely for we are like salad bowls of emotions and feelings. It’s never just one. Your insides are intertwined in a big messy hug.

Sometimes, this life leaves you blue…” But if you look close you’ll see that’s not the only color in your bruises. There’s more than meets the confused mind & distraught heart.

I’m a firm believer that there’s light even in the darkest of places, even if just a spark. And I’ve made a way of life out of finding it everywhere, the Light; the sparks.

You’ll get sad. You’ll get angry. You’ll get happy. You’ll get loads of different things, sometimes all at once! But you won’t get to a special place that contains all that means “light” to you. Not in this life at least. If happiness has to be a place, then, look no further than in yourself. There’s a whole universe in there; it’s all yours to explore…

IMG_20180425_153738.jpg

Until next post, embrace the ephemeral lights that make this world go round! ❤