I’m not really sure where to start but I will remain as honest as I can afford. It’d actually be easier to just sugarcoat the story and call it a day. Frame that bright picture, put it up on the wall facing the front door, so that it is the first thing you notice when you walk into this perfectly folded paper house. If you know me at all, you would know that I am not about that life.
And, lately I think I have somehow gotten caught up in a weird state of being which is nothing like me at all. And I can’t stand it. I am trying to set things right, meanwhile I blame it all on summer.
But I will keep this honest because it is the only way. I don’t want to lie to myself and I want myself to remain real and express myself freely, especially on my virtual bubble. Non of that censoring bullshit over here. We’re doing it live! Let’s go!
First there was the excitement which kept me standing through the twenty hour long journey that seemed to never end. Then, there was the immediate feeling of “ugh” once I stepped into Paris; body and mind overcome with the most sincere conviction that I wouldn’t ever settle down in France if i ever do settle down. And then there was the indescribable joy of seeing my mother’s smile in real life after a full year of having a little too far away from her.
On the drive back home with my bff, it felt really nice to recognize everything, every single bit of the roads and mountains, the sky even! It felt nice but there was something else attached to that very comforting feeling, something I’m not sure I can describe just yet. A vague, background feeling that somehow overpowered me almost as much as the good one and unsettled me…
Witnessing my mom’s excitement over painting was something also. Something I have been dreaming of for years now! (I also managed to make some art myself but not so much.) I really hope she keeps doing it because I love her so much and I believe it’s the best thing for her right now.
I remember before I left, how I thought I would, without any issue, be able to work on my voice as usual, or even harder when I’d be at my mom’s since my brother was still in school leaving me time for it in the mornings. But as it turned out, I was all out of energy from the heat and also I just couldn’t commit to it. And once again, that overpowering background feeling… It crept up on me unannounced and then it just hung around me the whole time, ruining what was supposed to be a good time back home.
There was Nature and people. My island. Oh, how nothing’s changed. But everything is changing though. I had the greatest displeasure to witness some drastic changes being made and I was filled with disgust over how those men are trashing this beautiful little piece of heaven. It broke my heart. But, a little impromptu hike with an old friend by the ocean made me feel better. Seeing the ocean in all its wildness, calmed me down. Nothing ever truly changes. Buildings are kinda like tattoos, they look permanent but can be removed, and they don’t really last, they fade over time and they go down with us.
I was really happy to see Line again, we’ve been friends since we were 12! We walked for almost two hours and just talked about things, catching up, you know. And I was also very happy to get to see my friend Manélisa after two years!!! She has been in Quebec for two years now, studying 3D and cool stuff and she’s one of the best artist that I know! It was really nice spending an afternoon with her. She always fills me with confidence and determination! And I hope I get to see her one day in Quebec!!
I was of course really happy to see my bff too. It was almost like I never left. Although it did feel a little off, but that was all on me. That background feeling again. She was working during those ten days but she still did her best to come at my house every single afternoon and I did not thank her. Although I should have. But, yet again, I was living in the shadow of that background feeling.
And well, my family. I was really delighted to see them. I wish I could say they haven’t changed, but like everything else, although it has remained the same, it’s changed, and not necessarily for the best either. There were so many conflicting thoughts and feelings inside of me as my short time in the nest went by. Even now actually, I haven’t come to terms with everything just yet to be able to word it all and analyse & solve them.
My brother has grown so much! But I can see the effect of not having me around on him and it crushes my soul.. I could tell he was really happy to see me again and that he didn’t want me to leave again. And I feel like such a monster because, me being the stupid dickhead I am, back in that same old environment, couldn’t really fight the bad vibes emanating from my surroundings and reversed back to a poorer version of me. I wish I could have been a better sister but I felt trapped.
My nephew has grown so much as well! I didn’t exactly get to enjoy his company so much as he was materializing everyone else’s thoughts, hitting me when he could or running away most of the time, because I’ve been gone for so long, who the hell am I and why did I think that love was universally bulletproof? Only, I swear, on the last day he actually started to accept me back and let me hold him and all.
I’m not gonna lie, I know he is just a baby, but it hurt. Not just to be slapped constantly. Ha ha. But to be pushed away all the time and to have to power through the rejection and remain standing although my heart broke each time. I was also just in a very sensitive spot the whole time anyways so, can’t blame it all on him.
And then there was the dreaded departure.
I promised it all sucked so bad. I was terribly frustrated and disappointed by these ten days. I just expected them to be different. I expected this family love thing to taste different. All I got was an incurable heaviness in my heart.
I just thought I would be appreciated differently. But, it was just as if I had never left. Which was comforting in a way, only that comfortable feeling was a mere disguise for some bittersweet destruction. Sometimes I would just stop and look around, asking myself if it actually made any difference having me there because everything felt so unaltered by my presence. Maybe I was fooling myself, but I thought it would be different. And that crushed my dreamer’s heart a little bit too.
Point is, as the day of my departure grew closer, I was getting happier. I just couldn’t wait to leave, go back to a place where I actually felt good and felt like I was moving forward! So that feeling of relief was taking over.
And on the actual day, well, I did feel a pinch of sadness in my heart every time I would look at my mom or brother. But I couldn’t chase away the little thrill in my heart. Which ended up making me feel guilty. Because I was happy to leave it all behind. Hashtag I’m a monster…
A feeling only reinforced once we got to the airport and I was waiting to go through the security check, witnessing my brother just being distressed and trying to keep some form of composure. But as I was hugging him, he was sobbing in my arms. And I can’t describe how that made me feel. I had seen him cry before, I mean, he’s my little brother! But it was never like this. And the worst part was that it was all because of me. I was breaking his heart, and while doing so, I was actually happy. The guilt…
It was a long way back to Ireland. Especially with all those conflicting feelings. The guilt was killing me but the excitement kept me alive. I was happy to know that soon again I would be able to work on my music and see the city again.
When I got here, it was so sunny and hot. I was a little disappointed. But it didn’t even matter. Because I was where I wanted to be now…
So yeah, that’s how it felt.
It was not all bad, of course. It wasn’t bad at all! I had such a great time and everything was good. This is just an insight; all the underlying feelings, thoughts, wishes, that did ruin me but which did not change a thing either.
I know I did not make the most out of my time there because I let my feelings carry me away. That unwelcome darkness ate me real good. And I feel double worse for knowing that I was not just disappointed, but also disappointing everyone else. I wish I could have been better. But I don’t think I could’ve been.
Because, I also feel like, one of the reasons it was hard for me to feel as bright as I should’ve, was that I was coming home empty handed. I mean, sort of. Sure, I’ve accomplished loads in the single year I’ve been here. But there’s still nothing concrete just yet. It’s more a matter of personal progress and beginnings. But nothing much just yet. And I guess it felt wrong to be back so soon and not have anything to put on the table…
I’m gonna have to stop this now, because I have said enough and I’ve got other things to do.
I will forever remember the way my brother was sobbing, as silently as he could, in my arms that day. And I will forever remember how my mother and sister, in their own way, tried to look brave and unaffected each time I left. Gosh, I’m crying now! And, although it is not the fuel I went to look for, I will use these to power me and keep me running.
I love them, and they know that. And they also know why I am doing all of this. And that’s because there is nothing else I could do.. I know it’s hard but they support me. And I will keep making them (and myself) proud.
I’m chasing those dreams and I won’t ever stop, mom, I promise. ❤