*insert ominous music here*
Ha ha ha! This is actually a pretty hopeful drawing! I drew it earlier while I was watching a horror movie. I really wanted to sketch something quickly, looked around and saw my hand. At first, I didn’t want to do it because I knew it would be hard but then I realized, wtf, the struggle will teach you, don’t cower from it! And so I gave it a shot. And it turned out not so bad, my crooked hand…
It’s all in the palm of your hands… Your dreams, your life; all of it. Grab your reality by the neck, tell it “You belong to me!” and make it what you want it to be! 2018 is yet another year to make things happen.
I know it’s not been easy. You all got your personal lot of hard times and I know it’s all so heavy. But you made it so far, and that is in fact a beautiful thing. You’ve been brave, you’ve been strong and you’ve been so much more. Now, keep on searching for the light, guys, there’s so much good to come! ❤
Last week, I unexpectedly joined my family for a picnic in the woods. And, little did I know that it would not only, bring me back on my feet (I had a miserable weekend) but also surprise me in the loveliest possible way: I saw a live deer.
Growing up on my island, I spent loads of time with my nose stuck in books (mostly about animals or Egypt but honestly, just reading anything I could find lying around the house too haha) and I had never seen many animals which are pretty common in mainland France up until I went to Lille two years ago. Swans, magpies, and even ducks(I only saw a few when I was tiny but man, a long time ago..)!
I only finally saw them for real two years ago. Up until that point, it was all just book pictures in my head. Things I knew of, things I knew to be real but never actually saw with my own two eyes and so I did not have that feeling/relationship(?) with it. They had that mystery to them, some kind of magic that comes from only knowing something the way your imagination can conceive it.
And the first time I saw them, I was struck with awe. It’s almost like seeing my childhood heroes. I remember those long hours spend lying on the floor or on a couch just staring at these glossy pages in the books, examining every inch of each picture just to get a somewhat clear memory of it engraved in my mind.
I am really happy, though, to be able to say that seeing them IRL does not take away the magic but only adds on, and also more frills. Nature is scary beautiful in that fragile-though-almighty way.
When I saw the deer, my brain just went *blop* *happy* and also, many (MANY) flashbacks to the Hannibal tv series… Ha ha! I had a small though intense phase last year where I got a tad bit obsessed with deer and drew loads of them. It was at the time I had started watching Hannibal and was shamelessly embracing my love for horror and disgusting stuff. In midst all the blood and chaos, those deer that I drew brought in some light in my dark room and mind.
I got pictures of all the deer drawings that I did in that short period to display them right here, in this post, and look back with a bittersweet smile on my face.
I honestly loved the Hannibal show. And I’d have so much to say about it, but I’d rather not enlarge on the matter. What I’m going to say though is that it brought a lot of good out me, a lot of inspiration and reflections on life, and art… And deer!! At that time, I was going through a rough patch and things weren’t really good at all; I was at war with myself and also being sat on fire by other beings whom I thought were worth all the burns (spoiler alert: they weren’t). It was a dark time but weirdly enough(or not at all), I found comfort in this show and it brought loads of good things into my mind.
And as I type this, I’m reminded that my Thomas Harris books stayed at my mom’s house, several thousand kilometers away from me and I’d love to dive back in Red Dragon now. Heartbreaking thought, I must confess. That book was so good! And what a shame I didn’t even have time to read the other two before I had to abandon them in my nest in order to take my leap and fly so far away from it. I’ll probably get mom to send them back to me or something at some point anyway, I just know it.
That deer was beautiful. I’m not going to lie, there was a drop of disappointment as my eyes found their way to the live body of what used to fuel my pencil on my sketchbook months ago. I was delighted to see a deer and really happy. And there was magic. But, the truth is that there is always that drop of disappointment.
Whenever you finally come to face with something you’ve only been dreaming about, reading about, looking at pictures of, it is here, in the back of your mouth or tickling the inside of your eyelids. That tiny drop of disappointment, tightly seated next to the tears of joy and surprise, keeping the back of your throat moist as you scream “Oh God, I’m alive!”. I think it is nearly impossible not to have expectations, as humans, as creatures that dream and hope. And, the longer the road you have to walk between the moment it first captures your attention and monopolizes parts of your mind and heart, the bigger the expectations (no matter how small), and the bitter the drop of disappointment.
You will be excited, you will be delighted; happiness, tears, smiles and fire inside. But it’ll be here, whether you feel it or not. Sometimes, even through the happy storm, there will be more than one drop. You might not be able to feel it, but it’ll be here. It might not ruin your happy time, but it’ll be here. And I think it’s important to acknowledge that.
It’s a reminder in a way, isn’t it? That there is never just one emotion, one feeling, one sensation; never just one thing happening at once. Life is plural. There’s always lots happening at once. We’re always feeling so much at once. Different intensities, different temperatures, different shapes, different causes and different spots hit. But at once. And you get to decide where the focus is.
You can focus on the pebble in your shoe. And then, you can shift the focus and go on think about that headache you have now. And you can move that focus as much as you want, as much as your mind is able to before it runs out of energy. Or you can keep the focus on one point tiny as it may be and make it seem bigger than that big bright sun shining out your window. You get to choose. Or, at least you have the possibility to do so. The power is in your hands but I guess the battery can’t always be full enough to enjoy its wide range of possibilities.
I saw that deer and the second I did, as I had a miserable weekend and I still had my negative glasses on, I felt the drop of disappointment. And I swallowed it, and the taste lingered on but I didn’t mind it; I enjoyed it. I let it do its job and I minded my own business, took pictures of the deer and tried to get over the fact that “Wow, there is a real deer in front of me!”.
Trying hard not to make this a generalization but I’ve met quite a few people with a positive outtake on life, those striving for a happy existence, and I always feel like they are missing out on something. I’m not a pessimistic. I’m not an optimistic either. I might actually strongly be both and usually all at the same time because I’m a walking disaster. But I just don’t think that being positive and happy is about rejecting nor ignoring the dark bits, the negative points, the heavy stuff. I think it’s all about accepting light and darkness no matter the amount or diversity of what’s within you. It’s about accepting them as a part of life, as a part of you and dealing with them, and maybe just learning to co-exist again.
In my opinion, those people that I’ve met wrongly believe that negative = bad. Sure, negative vibes are definitely bad news and can dismantle the strongest of ships and you don’t want them around. But, think about balance, think about Nature and how everything serves a purpose. Blocking out all sadness, negative thoughts, anything that’s not rainbows and butterflies is going to ruin you on the long run. These things are part of being a human and you can’t just wipe them out of the board because you want things to look neat.
Life is not neat. Humans are not tidy inside. And you have to let it in, let it happen, let it out, let it roll over you…
Some things you have to face and break, some things you just have to throw straightaway and others you just have to sit down and swallow and maybe get some ice cream to let it make its way down your throat. And it’s something you learn to do, like recycling!
You learn where to put the tin cans and the glass bottles and the papers; you learn what can be reused, what just goes to waste and what things don’t go together even though they will serve a similar purpose. And sometimes you don’t want to throw something away although it belongs in the bin but you figure out some clever way to turn it into something useful, something you can still keep in your home and you transform it with your own two hands.
There’s a required balance in all of that rickety machinery inside. And it doesn’t always make sense. It’s not a simple list of do’s and don’t’s. It’s complex but at the same time, so easy. The darkness is part of life, part of light. There are dark spots in light, and light spots in darkness. And you can’t just try to wipe one side out cos that’ll mess you up. Gotta find the right middle. Equilibrium.
I’ve learned and am still learning that it’s okay not to be okay. And it’s okay to feel down, to feel sad, to feel horrible, even when you’re in a happy place, with happy people and you are happy. Because life is not a monochrome painting. It’s as complex and simple and intense as a five-year-old’s painting. And it’s beautiful.
My darkness keeps getting brighter and my fire finally feels like it’s actually burning. I love sharing and I hope that through my words, music and art(and rare smiles?) I reach some hearts, minds or just the eyes, really and shed some darkness; the good kind. No matter how very few that might be, I hope that some people read me and that it makes them questions things, think, feel or just smile cos I’m so dramatic about everything it’s funny. I hope that whenever my darkness shines and people get a peek inside, I hope that it makes a difference to them, even the tiniest and that somewhere along the way, some way, somehow, it helps them.
Until next post, let yourself learn, and let your darkness shine. ❤
So, I’m this weird cup. And what you can’t see is all the cracks between the pieces. There’s glue keeping them together but it’s cheap glue, hope/will/faith/strength/light/fuel; cheap glue. It’s always leaking!
It’s holding this black liquid inside, probably not something you’d want to drink. And it’s always leaking through the cracks. I try to hold it in, all the while dreading the big BREAK (and secretly wishing for it).
The Storm gets windy and I spill some. Will I ever run out? Will I break? Will there be glue again then?
Drew it while on the phone with my sister. It is (as weird as it feels for me to say it like that, I’ll admit) a self-portrait.
The name came from that little paragraph I wrote in a notebook back at my mom’s place last month after I learned the idiom “A storm in a teacup”. Basically, it means to make a big deal out of nothing and I thought, “Shit, saaaame.” And well, that’s about it for the story. Ha ha! 😉
I was very amused when I discovered that sentence because, first of all, my over-dramatic self can relate and secondly, THE STORM guys!! And I do love me some tea! It just made so much sense these specific words put together like this.
That morning when I started drawing, I had no idea what I was doing. Just killing time, waiting for the cleaning lady to leave so I could get down to my business and lipsync to some ol’ rock’n’roll. And it wasn’t until I started messing up the top of the skull and ran downstairs to get some duct tape in an attempt to fix it that I saw the opportunity to link this fresh work to this older paragraph.
That’s a thing I love to do! Connections. When I create something new and I find that I can actually make a link between that fresh piece of me and an older one that I either left to macerate in a notebook or just kept somewhere deep in a folder cos it just made no sense at all. It’s a beautiful feeling. I do feel like a genius. Which I certainly am not. But it feels great. I’m like “wow, I did a thing with another thing” and I’m happy. And that’s a feeling I long for.
In other news, I enrolled for an evening art class at the community school which will take place on Tuesdays for ten weeks I think. So that’s something to look forward to! I’m really excited to start!! What I hope it brings me is knowledge and new skills, a little bit more confidence, new friends and the opportunity(and motivation?) to create more often. Can’t wait to begin and blooooooooooooom IT STARTS NEXT WEEK (only three more days to wait)
Until next post, keep doing what you love ❤
COLOR ME UNDEAD
Sunshine is a false friend.
The weather never stays the same inside this hurricane:
Sky’s grey, then blue, then white;
There’s sun and then it rains.
I just never know when it’s safe to rest.
I gotta keep on the move
Always, even when I lose my groove.
Paint me, pain,
For I am a canvas
And I’ve been blank for too long now.
The ground isn’t very stable.
I keep falling in these muddy puddles.
They take away my colors; leave me numb.
Mean cycle; recycle…
Mom, rock me back to my cradle.
Sunshine is a false friend,
The storm it never ends!
Paint me, pain.
Paint me again,
Over and over again.
Give me a face.
Give me hard times.
And, please, leave a trace.
Weather forecast calls for the peeling of my soul.
Layer by layer I melt away
Under the merciless waves
Of this self-perpetuated hell.
Acid rains devour my core.
I barely bleed as I lose my skin.
Colorless; colorblind; who am I?
Paint me, pain.
Help me be again.
Show me I’m alive,
Not living in vain!
Show me who I am!
Show me that I can
Be more than a stain…
There’s still blood in these veins
And strength in these legs.
And next time,
When it rains,
Come back faster to me, friend,
And paint me sane & chained!
Color me undead;
The drawing was fueled by Halfnoise’s EP The Velvet Face and Paramore’s latest song(which I’m so asdfghjkl about). So I was really feeling that colorful but mournful vibe. Which was already pretty strong with my post Pain is a color and I’m a rainbow. And the first draft of the poem was fueled by the drawing. And then the real thing was fueled by the storm and insomnia and also eating a green apple past midnight.
It’s 4AM, I’ll try to catch some Zs now. There’s so much I need to say; I’ll try to write a post and let it out, maybe this week, maybe later, I don’t even know anymore.
Until next post, don’t eat apples after midnight and get some sleep ❤
I’ve been posting them mostly on instagram lately mostly, so here are the three last drawings I did this month. The pics’ quality is as usual pretty lame but you can still get a good idea of the thing on the paper! 😉
The last one I finished just now. There’s this quote from my post “Pain is a color and I’m a rainbow. Darkness isn’t necessarily black.” which popped in my mind as soon as I picked up my crayons and inspired me to draw this self-portrait.
I still haven’t managed to finish my first draft of Chapter VII of Uncage and man, I’m so tired! I really want it to be over and done. I need to finish that story! It’s just so hard to squeeze it out. I need to try a little harder!
Anyways. That’s it for today. I’m not feeling so good, pretty tired. Tomorrow I gotta be somewhere and it’s making me anxious. I’ll surely write about it when I get back. If I survive, I mean! 😛
Until then, just keep those vitamins coming and drink lots of water! ❤
I’m finally able to post pictures of the charcoal portraits I gave my family and friends for Xmas. I’ll put the originals on the left so that you can get a better idea of the actual quality of my work, hehe 😛 Here we go! (There’s gonna be a lot of words so you can just do like my little brother and skip to the pictures! 😛 )
I’ll start with the one that took me the less amount of time. It’s a portrait of my little brother I drew for my mom. I had already started it months ago and had drawn the outlines, roughly so I had a base to work with. I guess that’s why it went faster than the others. I think it was about 45 minutes or so.
Mom really liked it and had my sister laminate it!
Now, onto the next one which also took me about 30 to 40 minutes, Leslie’s. This one, just like the next ones, I jumped right in and didn’t work with any sort of base so it was a bit hard to get the right proportions cos I’m a n00b but I still managed somehow. It’s on a little A5 kraft paper.
She also loved it (or so she said! 😛 ). It was the first one I did actually so I guess that makes it even greater an achievement; haha!
Now, here’s a portrait of my sister and her baby. This one took me about six to seven hours, I’m not gonna lie. Not working with outlines or just a few guidelines is really hard, especially when you’re not very experienced with drawing. So I really struggled with my sister’s face mostly and you can see that the result isn’t very lifelike (not saying the rest is either actually x) ). But I guess it’s still good work after all! I had a hard time focusing too and spending so much time on it (even though it wasn’t in one sitting: I did spread it over two days if I recall) made it harder and harder as time went on. But I’m still satisfied with the result! 🙂
I don’t think it’s super good, I realize it’s not but I made it with love and that’s what matters! 😉 And she liked it too so whatever. I’ll get better and make greater ones to make up for these mediocre ones!
And the last one is a portrait of my best friend and her boyfriend. This one is the last one I drew and I believe I started it on Friday afternoon and finished it on Sunday morning, the day before I took the plane. I was tired but I pushed through. It took me a very long time, I’d say about eight and a half hours spread over these three days.
I had to take really long breaks cos I was getting cranky and felt like burning the whole thing up several times. I started it over three or four times. At first I intended to draw it on a small A5 piece of kraft paper, just like Leslie’s but I couldn’t get it right and tried on an A4 one. I thought it’d help me breathe and get it right eventually. I cut it to a square cos dammit I just couldn’t be bothered to draw outlines or anything and just kept jumping in and hitting my head on cold hard cement!
I swear at first they looked so horrible I figured it’d be better off destroyed cos it was more of an insult than a gift… When I finally got it right, you can’t believe how relieved I was! Then I was able to work on it “normally” and have fun again!
She absolutely loved it! It isn’t that good but also isn’t as bad as the picture shows still. Some angles makes it look way worse! 😛 But she liked it, hey, so it’s gotta mean something. I got really tired doing it so I’m just really glad I managed to get something somewhat okay after all these hours of argh’s and ugh’s and almost tears!
FUN FACT: just yesterday, Lilly informed me that her cat peed on my drawing and ruined it… She feels really bad but I’m not mad, really! x) I actually find it funny. Ha ha I’ll make her a more beautiful one! 🙂
I chose to work with charocoal at first cos I remembered how easy it was to do the Winnie the Pooh drawing I had done days ago. I figured it’d all go fast and look good and I’d be able to only play guitar and video games until it was time to pack my bags! Obviously, reality was a little different… But I made it!
What helped me the most was the music. I made sure I used the fitting music for Lucie’s portrait (which was a mix of Atomic Kitten, Mariah Carey and the Sugarbabes) and Lilly’s (the first five or seven Pokemon theme songs on repeat!) and it helped me greatly cos I struggled so bad for these two!
Alright, so that’s it! Hard work and love; the best ingredients for a lovely present. Who needs sleep when you can make someone you love smile with the fruit of love and insomnia?
I almost died making these cos I had only five days to make them, still hadn’t packed my bags and it took me so long and I put myself under a good amount of pressure. It was a last minute decision and then it turned into this big thing that I had to do and quickly for the sake of Xmas. It got extreme fast and I had a hard time not pushing myself but it was all worth it. If I hadn’t been so hard on myself I would’ve probably not finished on time or just gave up.
They loved it; it was worth it! ❤
Oh, before I forget, I also gave my ukulele (aka Crash) to Lilly as a present! I’m going to miss him but I think she needs him more than I do! Also, I’m trying to get lighter so that I can travel more freely later this year!
Done for now!
Keep practising whatever it is you like doing and remember than doing it is more important than being good at it! And also, presents don’t have to be perfect or expensive; the heart is all that matters. ❤