The Fighter in Me


I’ve been a waste of space lately. Let’s be honest; this isn’t an overstatement. A piece of shit. My demons have gotten me really down and I’ve been a lazy leech just feeding on nothingness.

I got down and I stayed down, figured “hey, I’ll just bury my head in the ground for a few decades, no big deal” because I just couldn’t take this life so I just tried my best to ignore the fact that I exist. I was having an existential crisis and I just couldn’t be bothered to actually deal with it or with any of the storm’s bullshit so I just looked away.

However, yesterday (which is now two days ago) as I got out of the bus (I took the wrong one) and walked (while texting my anxiety away, narrating my stupidity to my bff) in a haste (I was late) to my therapist’s office (what a pretty messy morning, I swear), I heard a tiny *click* coming from the back of my head. As I raised my eyebrows and my eyes grew to be the size of the moon, I realized something.

Somehow all this early morning anxiety and lack of sleep had managed to trigger the right switch and unlocked a tiny little door from which came a revelation. I didn’t have much time to actually even begin to touch it with the tip of a finger that day because I was so tired. When I got back home, just slipped on my good ol’ depressed pants and trustworthy “what’s the point” shirt and faded to black once more.

But today; I mean, yesterday (what is time, I ask, what is TIME), I was getting really excited about going outside to explore a nearby place which I pass by when I take (the right) bus to see my therapist (who’s actually a nurse??). So, as I waited for the sun to just stop being so sunny so I could step out and do the adventure thing without burning to my death, I actually had time to let the revelation sink in. And just as I was ready to walk out the door, I had to jump on a piece of paper and pen to scribble all the words that just rained on me as it suddenly hit me and I saw it.

I saw the fighter in me.

I’ve been hiding, running away and just bathing in denial, forcing myself to ignore pretty much all that there is to life. I had completely given up on trying and was looking very seriously into giving up on everything and settling for a life into the nothingness. And yet, even as I, on the surface, was giving up, it was here in me and still doing its job. The fighter in me, that part that just doesn’t know how to give up and always fights for my life, even when I feel that I’ve indeed given up.

When I sat at my desk that morning the day following the *click*, I realized that, even though if not as intensely as I was supposed to, I indeed thought about those things that I was trying so hard not to think about while I was “wasting my days away”.

I was convinced that I had managed to give up for once and that I truly was on my way to that impossible reality where I don’t bother nor believe in dreams, light and a greater use of my time on beautiful Mother Earth. I truly thought that I had manage to kill all the light left inside of me and to be honest, I was actually happy about it. Because, let’s face it, this whole existence and fighting against the current to do things that you love and be a bigger “you” it’s just so exhausting and frustrating; so, managing to give up was actually a relief.

Now I wouldn’t have to worry about energy. I could be tired all the time and it wouldn’t matter because nothing would matter anymore. I could just bathe in darkness all year long and just lie on the floor, wait for the lightning to strike me and put an end to the joke. Nothing mattered. I had succeeded in taking away all of the anxiety triggers, all the problems, all the overthinking, all the horribly demanding efforts to go against the storm to do all those things and also all the good stuff like love and vegetables.

I don’t wanna be a musician, an artist with four arms that do all these different things and doesn’t suck at them. I want to be a mashed potato without seasoning and extra extra extra cheese and a nice side dish of “nope; I don’t life”.

I FUCKING WISHED RIGHT?

Turns out that I was right when I thought that it was truly impossible for me to give up and that time I said that even when I was giving up, I wasn’t. I just didn’t know HOW RIGHT I was.

I tried my best to keep my mind busy and not think about real questions and about me. I managed to satisfy the apathetic monster inside, feed him all the junk it wanted and become it BUT in the mean time, I also managed to keep fighting in the right direction in a way! Of course, it wasn’t a super effective fighting as there was so little of me involved in the war which is why the *click* took so long to happen. But it was still fighting.

I fed the monster and let it invade the foreground so that I could find a place inside where it was calm, oh so calm, and I could actually think of my life without any parasite.

My choice of distraction could have actually given it away that I was truly just finding a less direct and brutal way to face those questions. And it did. But just after the *click*. I realized that the things I was obsessing over in order not to deal with an overwhelming life, decisions to be made and that crazy wish of living life were, deep down, helping me think exactly about what I was running from.

The fighter in me, the part of me, the spark, that will never stop fighting against the coldest winds that assault me or that I will willingly let in to freeze my soul. That part that, even when reduced to such a tiny size and beaten up, can still stand up for me and what I believe in and resurface, always, and shush the monsters back to their dark corners. (For a while at least, just enough time for the soldiers to get back to their positions and protect that fragile soul)

Now, I haven’t completely gotten rid of the filth that I smeared all over my weak flesh prison. But I’ve been feeling that spark and it’s slowly melting the grime away and bringing some heat back in the main circuits. The fighter is swimming back up. Ha ha! And well, now my laughs don’t just sound like a sound that I send to bounce against the walls and fill up the room with some “nothing wrong here” vibes. I feel less dead. And ready to put myself back on track again.

“You live and then you die, what’s the point anyways, right?” That just doesn’t sound like me. Now, I don’t know if it’s depression or any other part of the storm and I don’t care. I know it’s not me. I don’t think this truly. I’m a stupid child and I believe that there’s more to life than slowly dying as oxygen poisons us. I believe in love and in making dreams come true. And I believe in light in the darkest places. And I BELIEVE.

I might be a fatalist to some extent but I’m what I like to think of as an absurdity, a convention of paradoxes. I always find myself at both extremes at the same time. I’m a fatalist but also an optimistic and a pessimistic and a believer and a skeptic son of a blurp. I’m everything and nothing. But I’m not a person that gives up or one that doesn’t see the magic and beauty in life and beyond.

And now that I’ve slapped myself in the face several times and am slowly waking up from a dead man’s sleep, I can see it again. These words that I spoke, thought, while I was this unseasoned mashed potato (Ha ha, I’m sorry x) I’m almost done, bear with me! :-p ) weren’t mine. I don’t know which demon spoke them but they weren’t mine.

The fighter in me is a real part of me. Those demons and the storm are also a part of me but they don’t define me. They are not me. They are what I believe to be essential parts of the weather in me, the rain that rocks me in bed and make rainbows possible. (You need ups and you need downs, light and darkness; there needs to be a balance in things, this isn’t a happy fairyland where all is well.)

They are parasites but I need them and I cling to them. I need them here but they aren’t part of my identity, they are just these little dark monsters that keep this universe running.  But I am not by any means them. I am not the embodiment of my disorders and, as much as they affect my everyday life and constantly torture me, they are not part of my identity. I consider them parts of me in a way, part of my universe but not me.

Anyways. It’s going to take me a few days to truly get back on my feet and get rid of the bullshit I’m covered in. But I’m getting back up and that’s what matters in the end. I think I actually really needed this time on the floor and horribly dark fake happy days! It’s funny I guess in a way haha

So, I think that’s it. I’m glad I finally managed to get all these thoughts out of my head! I started writing this at 1AM today (which explains the confusion with time at the start of it! 😉 ) and now it’s 6PM. No, I wasn’t writing all this time! I slept and I’m still having very slow days. Recovery is a process and honestly, I was really on the floor so it takes some time to get back up and this time longer than what I’m used to. But yeah, I’m finally done getting it out of my chest and I can actually even more internalize the information now. It feels great.

I’ll end this post on a quote from Fran Bow ( a video game I obsessed over during my little “holiday”, let’s call it this from now on!). I don’t remember which character said it but I’m pretty sure it came from the journal that she found somewhere Idk. I think it’s really fitting with this post and well, off I go fixing myself up!

I don’t need to hide from pain anymore because it’s part of me.

Love is everywhere and in everything.

I enjoy crying.

I enjoy laughing.

I enjoy being alive.

Until next post, don’t lose yourself and keep looking for the light. It’s always there. Even the tiniest spark is enough to keep you going. There’s always light, somewhere, look around, in someone, in something, in the sky, anywhere, anyone, anything. And if you don’t see any light, then maybe think about opening your eyes? Maybe you don’t see because you’re not looking at it the right way. Or maybe you are the light and it’s hard to see yourself shining as you stand in the dark.

Keep running. ❤

P.S.: I, of course, still haven’t re-organized my blog and the categories are still pretty messy. But I’ll get to it eventually, don’t worry! And also, the little walk I had in the “park” that I discovered near where I’m staying was truly refreshing. There were so many ducks and I found two cats that let me pet them and aw, man, I felt really good out there! And I’m planning on going there again, maybe making a point of going every Sunday or so. 😀

worry flood


None of my worries is the least of my worries.

All my worries are on the top shelf and constantly flooding my mind.

I’m replaying everything in my head all the time.

From the tiniest detail, like that time I knocked over two plates of colored beads in kindergarten and had to stay during recess to clean up my mess.

To really heavier ones, like that time I made my mother cry.

In fact, when I say “tiniest detail”, I don’t mean it from my point of view. I mean it from most people’s, I guess. For me, all of these are as big as the other though I can make the difference between bigger ones.

They’re replaying in my mind most of the day. All the while I’m busy worrying about now and what’s next; what once was is always there, what happened haunts me all day long.

Sometimes not and I feel lightweight and I feel like I can go on and be reckless again and feel fine.

But then it comes again, at any random fucking hour of the day and it doesn’t stop. Not until I’ve collapsed under the weight of how my teacher called me out for daydreaming back when I was 7.

Everything sticks with me forever and I can’t just scrap it like a gum on the sole of my shoe. The darkness haunts me forever. I have all these creepy bugs with their small legs carefully buried in my scalp and there doesn’t go a day they aren’t hungry for some brain goo.

And when my mind obsesses over something good, how does that turn out, you ask? Well, it eventually figures out a way to darken the scene and have the prettiest flowers smell like rotten meat.

I hope I’m not my only friend because it seems I don’t want me to be happy. And fighting against myself sometimes just seem so pointless. I’m all I have, so why should I wage war upon me?

This endless worry flood has me sailing away on a self-destructive path. And I go with the flow.

All this dead water that infiltrates my lungs has such a bittersweet taste that I can’t even begin to think of letting go of.

This familiar taste, I could fight till the end.

But maybe I don’t want to win.

Maybe I just want it to flood me, just like that, and drown.

Because there is nothing sweeter than defeat and surrender to the storm.


I tried to work on Uncage’s next chapter tonight but I just couldn’t do it. My mind was too busy. And, look what I managed to vomit onto my keyboard. Isn’t it wonderful? Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts. Images. Words.

Color Me Undead: a poem and a drawing


COLOR ME UNDEAD

Sunshine is a false friend.

The weather never stays the same inside this hurricane:

Sky’s grey, then blue, then white;

There’s sun and then it rains.

I just never know when it’s safe to rest.

I gotta keep on the move

Always, even when I lose my groove.

Paint me, pain,

For I am a canvas

And I’ve been blank for too long now.

The ground isn’t very stable.

I keep falling in these muddy puddles.

They take away my colors; leave me numb.

Mean cycle; recycle…

Mom, rock me back to my cradle.

Sunshine is a false friend,

The storm it never ends!

Paint me, pain.

Paint me again,

Over and over again.

Give me a face.

Give me hard times.

And, please, leave a trace.

Weather forecast calls for the peeling of my soul.

Layer by layer I melt away

Under the merciless waves

Of this self-perpetuated hell.

Acid rains devour my core.

I barely bleed as I lose my skin.

Colorless; colorblind; who am I?

Paint me, pain.

Help me be again.

Show me I’m alive,

Not living in vain!

Show me who I am!

Show me that I can

Be more than a stain…

There’s still blood in these veins

And strength in these legs.

And next time,

When it rains,

Come back faster to me, friend,

And paint me sane & chained!

Color me undead;

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The drawing was fueled by Halfnoise’s EP The Velvet Face and Paramore’s latest song(which I’m so asdfghjkl about). So I was really feeling that colorful but mournful vibe. Which was already pretty strong with my post Pain is a color and I’m a rainbowAnd the first draft of the poem was fueled by the drawing. And then the real thing was fueled by the storm and insomnia and also eating a green apple past midnight.

It’s 4AM, I’ll try to catch some Zs now. There’s so much I need to say; I’ll try to write a post and let it out, maybe this week, maybe later, I don’t even know anymore.

Until next post, don’t eat apples after midnight and get some sleep ❤

Positive bullets #3


I had to look through my blog just to make sure I didn’t get the number wrong, only to realize that this is only the third P.B.post! I was supposed to go somewhere this afternoon but I kind of freaked out and avoided every bus stop. I couldn’t stop walking and I eventually ended up in the supermarket, buying things I needed, which I was only supposed to do later today, after having went to that place… I felt bad and have been slowly going down since because that tiny wave hit hard.

Then, I bought cat and dog food because there were these nice people from a shelter (I think?) collecting food and donations to help feed abandoned pets. So, that cheered me up a bit. I even bought a special one for kitties because babies… I didn’t give much because I didn’t have much money on me but I did buy some and that felt good to know that this tiny little action could make other souls happy.

On my way back I was thinking about doing another one of these posts because I can feel myself going there again and I don’t want it to devour me completely. So, here they come the positive bullets because I really need them! Let’s take a moment to acknowledge, rediscover, celebrate, what makes me feel alive, what I do love, what activates the happy sparks in my heart.

  • I love smiling at children in the street because when they smile back it makes me feel happy.
  • I’m in love with button mushrooms and broccoli gently cooked with soy sauce; it’s delicious!
  • When I’m walking outside and it’s rained a bit, and I can smell the leaves from the ground and there’s this fresh breath of air that the trees create that embraces me.
  • Hearing my mom’s voice on the telephone
  • Singing with all my heart and not feeling the pressure of the thin walls of this room.
  • Getting excited over anything with my best friend.
  • Passing dogs in the streets and smiling at them!
  • When it rains.
  • I like it when I put slices of cucumber in my water and then I feel so fancy, and it’s refreshing
  • It warms my heart when I see people outside just being themselves; like that woman that I passed earlier, waving at someone in the distance while on the phone with her and feeling that slight fear she had that the person wouldn’t see her or go the other way. It warms my heart to witness life happening in its simplest form.
  • I love hearing my voice teacher tell me that I have potential and my voice can be much greater. It gives me more strength to hang onto hope which sometimes fades when I try to believe in my future.
  • When my little brother sends us a picture on our Facebook family group chat and asks us “What do you think of …?” when we only answer with emojis. The boy needs words!
  • Hotel Books and feeling Cam’s pain and feelings through his voice and words
  • The feeling I get every time I leave my voice lesson which I believe is a mix satisfaction and confidence which I’m not very used to.
  • Watching my favorite tv-show because I’ve grown so attached to the characters and they feel like family and I’m just so happy every time I see them again.
  • I love being sensitive and feeling things very intensely because when the side of the storm that makes me numb hits me I lose a big part of myself and it’s a part that I like a lot.
  • Listening to the Burlesque album, dancing around in my pjs and being overwhelmed by the power of Christina Aguilera’s voice.
  • I like it when I paint my nails and don’t put so much nail polish on my fingers!
  • I love the people that record rain sounds and these kind of Nature stuff and put these long videos up on YouTube because most nights it’s what helps me fall asleep and shut insomnia’s cakehole!

That’s a nice little list we have here! Even though this isn’t curing my heart, I know it helps deep down. 🙂

There’s beauty everywhere, in everything and everyone, I know that, and I don’t want to forget it, ever. When it gets really dark outside, I need to stop for a moment, sit down and remind myself that, even if I don’t see them right now/all the time, there are bright lights out there and they’re always there. And this is what positive bullets are all about. They aren’t no antidote to the day’s darkness, just a reminder of the light. Not because I’m always stuck in the rain means I can’t see the rainbows.

The rainbows are always here because life is made of endless sun and endless rain, and our existences are just these streams that go back and forth from the shadowy, cold places, to the warm, sunny ones. Sometimes, we get stuck on one side for longer than we’d like, but the sky is still the same. We can stare at the rain, at the sun or at the rainbows from any point we stand at; we just need to remember that we can. Sometimes, we’re lucky and we’re stuck in the middle where the rainbows are more obvious and the rain and sun seem so distant. But just like the Earth, we’re always moving, always growing and changing and dying.

I like the way SOAD explains it in their song Aerials: “Life is a waterfall, we’re one in the river then one again after the fall, swimming through the void […]”. Honestly, the whole song is a masterpiece. The lyrics are beautiful.

Sometimes I like to fight against the current, sometimes I like to go with the flow, often my head’s under the water. But I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to stand through the fluctuations and bend when the waves are strong. I’m learning life.

I’m probably going to be having a sad night, let’s be honest. But I have chocolate, I have wine, I have ice cream and endless cheering movies and sad ones and scary ones to watch and float away until dawn…

The sun will rise and we will try again

-Truce, t∅p

I’m going to try and keep writing that chapter now.

Until next post, keep it positive! Don’t underestimate the power of your mind. Even if you can’t wipe away the darkness, you can light up those candles, as tiny as they might be, along your way. The power is in your hands. ❤

Getting a tank full of fuel.


(WARNING: There’s more than two pictures of my face in this post what)

You know how some things you just know to be true and don’t need no proof or anything? Well, that’s one of those things.

I’ve always known that music is what drives me and fuels me. I was making up my own (embarassing) songs as soon as I knew how to talk. Just ask my mom, she loves telling these stories. :-p It’s always been there. I’ve always known.

I’ve always known that music was what I intended to devote myself to but with school and fear and just, being young and not really knowing better, I denied it. I used to tell it only to my mom and sisters that I wanted to sing. But as I grew up, I gave up the idea. Not because I lost interest in music (how could that happen?) but because, even that young,

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Here’s a young me… 8? 10? Idek

I realized that this wasn’t what people wanted to hear. And also, I truly feared the way others would look at me for choosing the crazy path and the questions they would ask. I didn’t want to be questionned, and judged, and mocked… I dreaded it, so I just gave in and shut up.

Instead, I decided that I would say that I want to be a teacher. I would lie so they would be happy but it wouldn’t change how I felt inside. And well, at some point, I actually had completely given up the idea; victim to my own game. I wanted to be a vet. I still sang everyday while doing my homework but that’s it. Then, obvisouly, it popped right back out like it should.

Still, when it came back to me I kept avoiding it. “Subtly” fleeing from what I can’t escape, my true nature. I made plans that on the surface, and the way I’d explain them, sounded kind of coherent, but really were just me hiding because I was terrified. And actually, those plans only sounded coherent to me because I wanted to believe they were. Because, honestly, if you go to someone that tells you “I love music and I want to be a singer. So, right now I’m studying drama and next year I’ll be going to college to study Hebrew (which I did not end up doing) and no, I’m not doing anything music-related on the side”, you don’t think that makes any kind of sense, do you?

I was just running because this is a scary thing to want and also a very big thing and I’m so tiny. I would just create these excuses of plans and say to myself that they would actually benefit me in some ways and even if not directly affect my musicianship, at least teach me about life. Well, I wasn’t so wrong about that; I’ve had my fair share of life lessons. But what I was stupid to do was put the one thing I actually want on the side, like a simple hobby, and put all these other things in the foreground. Not only was it stupid because, well, it’s my main goal but also because that actually forced me in places where I didn’t belong and brought me more misery than I already create on my own.

I forced myself into these spots and just drained the energy from me, struggling to survive in environments where I just couldn’t fully bloom. It also was really challenging my patience as I’d always end up counting the days before that segment of hell would end by the first to second week of it. I’d then just remain in the waiting room. Waiting for this stupid choice to be over so I can move on to something else. And then I’d make another stupid decision which eventually lead us to now.

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Love my blue lipstick btw

This past year, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with that “done” feeling. Done with waiting. Done with the hiding. I want it and I want it now. Except that I’m actually stuck here for three more months now as I just can’t get out of a stupid decision like this. So, what I’m filled with is more frustration as I now have this growing will and need to do all it takes to be better and become the me that I want but am stuck here.

I’m older now and I’ve finally completely given in to my own desires. I’ve always known but now I am ready to fight for it. Because I see that there is truly nothing else that I want this much. This is who I want to be and I can’t change it. No more hiding. I’ve been feeling a lot better and confident since I decided to put an end to that bullshit and it’s awesome. 😀

As much as everything seem to be crumbling around me lately, I know that things are just falling into place. Destroy to rebuild or something. It’s just making way for something better, something bigger. I’ve had people walk out of my life and tough times, and new decisions, and it’s all just making way for something better; my brighter dark. I’ve finally gotten myself to run in the right direction and that’s cool. Running is all I do, but now I can sleep soundly knowing that I’m actually aiming at what matters.

I’ve always known but I just needed to get slapped in the face. I needed a reminder, not a proof. I needed fuel for my fire that I so subtly murdered. And so far, this month has been full of it, and it’s just the start of it all…

The music still resonates in my soul.

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In the most comfy bed ever (in which I didn’t sleep)

I saw Avenged Sevenfold (+ Chevelle & Disturbed ❤ ) which you can read about here if you haven’t/want to. It exceeded all my expectations and surprised in more ways that I could have imagined. It awoke things in me and filled me up with some nice energy.

I felt a lot of things and understood a lot of things that night. I belonged there, in that crowd, in the dark, out there, where the music is. Seeing these dudes on stage and all these souls in the crowd, it was beyond magical and more than a wake up call, it was fuel and a proof.

Beyond the headache and the ringing in my ears that haunted me all day after it was over, it’s the feeling it left me with. Ever since I walked out of the venue, I’ve been feeling different. I saw my heroes IRL and one of them hugged me; guess it was the best slap in the face I ever got. Sure, that was amazing and I’ll never forget. But the real important thing that happened in me is that I deeply realized that I am right. This is who I want to be. This is where I want to be. It just washed away any doubt and any negative fear I had. All that’s left now is fuel.

Also, last Thursday I had my first voice lesson! I wasn’t anxious at all as I was still very high from the show and it went amazing. I mean, it was a first lesson so a lot of talking and just getting to know each other. When it came to the singing I tensed up a lot and wasn’t able to sing Ain’t It Fun so I ended up singing Girl Crush (Little Big Town, although I’ll admit that I prefer Halestorm’s version over the original :3 ) and it felt better. I was still tensing up but a little less as I didn’t have to go so high or anything and eventually relaxed a bit. But yeah, it was a first time so I didn’t exactly go all-in because I need a little time to be okay with a new person! 😛

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pre 1st-voice-lesson selfie

This lesson was true fuel too. The teacher is amazing. She’s really nice and gosh I loved it when she sang to me because she has such control and everything is there (like it should! x) ). Ha ha! And she told me something that boosted my confidence. Sure, there’s a lot of work to do here, especially when it comes to the tensing up and also the open-your-goddamn-mouth-Chloë part. But she said she saw real potential for power and that I had really nice voice, a nice tone. And, well, it felt really good. It’s not the first time that someone tells me this. I’ve been told before that I do sing well and so on, just never from an actual professional and with these specific words, you know? It meant a lot and I’m really excited for the next lesson, which will be on the 16th. This only “confirmed” my hope if I may say that I can be a better singer and only gave me more hope for my future!

I don’t know if I’m going to keep working on Girl Crush or if I’ll find another song. But what I know is that I really can’t wait to go back and explore and let go and just, climb that next step!

Also, I’ve been considering actually NOT buying a guitar… I know, it sounds crazy to me too… But I actually only have three months left here in Lille, then I’ll be back home in July and a bit of August where there will be a guitar (right-handed one, but it’ll do) and then when I’m back I’ll have to get ready to leave for Ireland. So I thought, I could just keep saving the money and buy it later, once I’m in Ireland maybe. That way, I can focus on the voice lessons and I will be travelling lighter. Not saying it’s set in stone yet, but I’ve been considering it; a lot.

So yeah. March has always been a pretty shitty month for me but this year, it’s the one that is bringing the wind of change. Tomorrow I will be meeting Kim in Paris and this is going to be awesome too! I’ll probably have a few pics to share on Insta or maybe even on here. 🙂

I’m really thankful for what is happening to me. The wake up calls, the pain, the tears, the people leaving, the BRIAN HUGGED ME, everything, really. It’s all just been so real. Not all 17156130_1379521202115285_2889068106658481903_nrainbows and butterflies but amazing nonetheless. These past four weeks have been more eventful than my three years of college put together. That show fueled me real good and just made all the pains and bullshit I’ve bathed in these last six years seem so little. I’ve been having real hard times too but really, I’m just not afraid anymore. Not afraid of hurting and not afraid of becoming who I want to. This is all been amazing and I really hope I will keep making the best out of this month! I’m making my own path cos my shoes were too big for the ones already paved. 😉

Here’s to all the joy that is to come, all the things that I’m alive to feel, more fuel to my fire. I’m just getting started. ❤