Today was a good day.

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Today I was happy. I felt like I hadn’t in a while. I felt lightweight and free. And okay.

Today I smiled. I wasn’t alone but with a golden someone and I was so very happy.

Today I cried. Time flies, things fade, ends strike. Was this a last time?

 

Today was a good day. I was happy. I cried. I ate a salad.

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Color Me Undead: a poem and a drawing

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COLOR ME UNDEAD

Sunshine is a false friend.

The weather never stays the same inside this hurricane:

Sky’s grey, then blue, then white;

There’s sun and then it rains.

I just never know when it’s safe to rest.

I gotta keep on the move

Always, even when I lose my groove.

Paint me, pain,

For I am a canvas

And I’ve been blank for too long now.

The ground isn’t very stable.

I keep falling in these muddy puddles.

They take away my colors; leave me numb.

Mean cycle; recycle…

Mom, rock me back to my cradle.

Sunshine is a false friend,

The storm it never ends!

Paint me, pain.

Paint me again,

Over and over again.

Give me a face.

Give me hard times.

And, please, leave a trace.

Weather forecast calls for the peeling of my soul.

Layer by layer I melt away

Under the merciless waves

Of this self-perpetuated hell.

Acid rains devour my core.

I barely bleed as I lose my skin.

Colorless; colorblind; who am I?

Paint me, pain.

Help me be again.

Show me I’m alive,

Not living in vain!

Show me who I am!

Show me that I can

Be more than a stain…

There’s still blood in these veins

And strength in these legs.

And next time,

When it rains,

Come back faster to me, friend,

And paint me sane & chained!

Color me undead;

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The drawing was fueled by Halfnoise’s EP The Velvet Face and Paramore’s latest song(which I’m so asdfghjkl about). So I was really feeling that colorful but mournful vibe. Which was already pretty strong with my post Pain is a color and I’m a rainbowAnd the first draft of the poem was fueled by the drawing. And then the real thing was fueled by the storm and insomnia and also eating a green apple past midnight.

It’s 4AM, I’ll try to catch some Zs now. There’s so much I need to say; I’ll try to write a post and let it out, maybe this week, maybe later, I don’t even know anymore.

Until next post, don’t eat apples after midnight and get some sleep ❤

Pain is a color and I’m a rainbow.

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Darkness isn’t necessarily black. It is not colors that I lack but a darker shade of black; or maybe a bottle of Jack; or stronger bones in my back…

I wanted to make this a poem but it seems the shaking in my mind cannot handle structured writing, so I will have to let it be whatever it decides to be. I will let my fingers type these confused thoughts of mine and stain my white keyboard with the poisonned ink that leaks through my broken nails. Ain’t that just the way it always goes anyways? I am nothing more than the puppet of my own thoughts.

I’ve been thinking about darkness, as in the spots that cover my heart and soul; the pain, the silent wounds, the invisible scars, the bright crevasses. And again, my brain has sewed another fancy disguise for my bleeding soul from the tasteless word-stew that simmers forever in the back of my mouth. Because this blood never lingers on my flesh and shimmers better than when I hum these word-stuffed melodies. I can watch it dance and rejoice as I praise it with my dark poetry, the only music I can create.

Darkness isn’t necessarily black. I can tell because when I look inside, I can see the colorful polka dots adorning my soul.

My best friend used to call me her rainbow, I have lost track of her reason why, but today I have found my own. If I’m a rainbow, pain is a color and my thoughts are artists. And, of course, I’m holding the bigger brush and when I’m not poking my eyes with it, I paint the biggest patches of colors and take care of any needed touch-ups.

My heart is the color of the sky, a blue that gets deeper at night when my soul is an ocean where demons can’t drown.

My hands are the color of fire, a red that gets deeper when I wrap them around my neck tight enough to shut me up.

And my green-tinted smiles they’re here to hide my rotten faith and hopes.

My head is a mess right now. I was already dealing with the storm’s unexpected come-back and now I have all these doubts and whatnots coming uninvited to the party. The place is too crowded, it’s hard to breathe and I’m losing sleep again, and weight, and strength, and hope, and faith. But, believe it or not, I somehow am in better shape than usual. I mean, I’m a mess and this is very heavy to carry around. But I still feel like I’m handling it better than ever before. But maybe that’s just another illusion.

I’m glad I got that out. I had these few lines lying around for a while now and I just had to get them out. They’ll remain here for now. Maybe they will later find home in a poem or a song, if I ever birth one of these again.

And let me just add that, as much as this sounds dramatic, too dark or whatever you wanna call it, I’m a very positive person. Don’t get me wrong, I ooze darkness and cold coffee; but I still shine, even when I shine dark. I might even be the most optimistic person I’ve met so far. I mean, if you trim all the excessive use of words, the dark tone and all the dramatic poetry, there’s light here! Not because I admit and often emphasize the ugly and darkness of certain things (mostly me) doesn’t mean I don’t see the beautiful. I actually, sadly(there it is again!…), see it everywhere.

I don’t like being called a pessimistic or a fatalist or whatever things you people can come up with, because I’m not. I see the light and the beauty in places you would never even think of looking, and I don’t give up even when I do; so shut up with your labels that don’t even fit. And to quote that Paramore song, “For a Pessimistic, I’m Pretty Optimistic“.

Cherish your pets while you have them and water your plants. ❤

Autumn rain, painting&poem, 01.21.17

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Finished that painting today. It was pending since at least October and I’m so glad it’s finally over with cos I really need to feel like I’m moving forward, especially right now.

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So, it’s acryclics on canvas, the usual A4 sized canvas sheet. The only thing this time is that I mixed the paint with some moulding plaster for the leaves (I tried to zoom in on a bit for you to see).

See, I had bought this rather big (not so much but compared to the size of the only moulds I have, quite a bit x) ) plaster bag a while ago and I finally came to the realization that I needed to get rid of it fast and that mom’s tiny moulds would never suffice. I thought about using it to get some texture with my acrylics which I still lack the technique to achieve “naturally”. I looked it up on the internet before doing it just to see if there were some steps to follow to ensure that it lasts or doesn’t break or anything, and I, of course, didn’t follow any of them because meh.

This being my first try, I’m not exactly satisfied with the level of texture that I achieved although I still think it’s pretty cool. The pictures won’t really show it though, unless I take close ups like the above. But it’s really interesting and I still have enough sheets and plaster to mess around some more with it and maybe even make something cooler!

I do have another “plaster painting” on the way which has been pending for pretty much as long as this one BUT might turn out better in some ways. Idek we’ll have to wait & see!

Anyways, the inspiration didn’t stop at my last brush stroke on this one; I also managed to write a poem to go with it! YAY RIGHT?

Autumn rain

Green is old

Yellow leaves

Leave the trees

I fall on my knees

And watch the bodies fall

Rain from a lower sky

Colors that refill my eyes

I think, here it is the Time

Where all things must die

Of a death that brings life

Orange drops

Red, brown dots

I grieve all alone

In the blazing cold

That rinses my bones

Turn the page,

Autumn rain.

Turn my page,

Make me new again.

Wooden towers

Fire showers

I now stand under

Waiting for the light of winter…

It’s 12:26AM and I find myself incapable of thinking so I’ll leave you just like this…

Until next time, don’t forget to brush your teeth! ❤

Please, wait your turn!

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“The more air you breathe in, the more likely you are to die.”

She said before she closed her eyes,

“So let’s hold our breath and keep our hearts alive,

For shadows only can exist in light,

And preserve the candles inside.”

 

I looked at her but couldn’t smile.

How could she rather live than die?

And where in hell did she see a light?

There is no more spark inside,

I left it all behind…

 

“Look at you, you’ve so much time yet so little,

Desire heights yet you’re so little…”

She let out a sigh and put on a smile,

“So, let’s go outside and begin it all!

We can do anything at all,

We can be everything we want;

Let’s be more than this!”

 

I looked at her but couldn’t cry.

The tears also have left my eyes.

I hate me and I long to be her again.

But all I have is me, today…

 

The new version, poorer version,

Of what was once passion.

I cannot share her dreams anymore,

I cannot be her friend anymore.

 

Too tired to even try; no digging tonight.

I’ll let her sink behind my eyes,

Let pain be my disguise

And contemplate my own demise.

 

So I’ll look away from the mirror;

I’ll find comfort in old liquor,

While she gets weaker

Inside, probably stuck in old scars.

 

“Let me out!”, she’ll scream,

“You’re ruining everything!”

And she’ll beg, and she’ll cry,

“Let me shine again, please!”

But I won’t listen.

 

I won’t help her.

I won’t help me.

I am the one I don’t know tonight,

The one that rather pretend than fight.

 

So I’ll look away from my indoors,

Find peace in ignorance,

Indulge in mindlessness,

For I am a spineless mess.

 

Tomorrow is a new day but the waves are merciless,

We will only trade places when they let her resurface!

She will shine outward and I’ll be the anchor

Dragging her to the deep sea for it’s the only stability,

The only place that we know always will be

There and familiar.

 

Then it’ll be my turn again

And I’ll pray for her return,

For the strength back,

For the light I lack, the brighter black;

Our good old soundtrack…

 

But she’ll always want the rain back no matter what,

To wash away the feelings, the thoughts, the dirt,

She’ll crave the emptiness and hidng in the dark,

And I’ll be doomed to come back.

 

 

 

Tomorrow is nearly yesterday.

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There used to be a hope for a better tomorrow.

“This day may be the worst so far, but the next one is another opportunity and a whole new set of 24s to seize.”

“Tomorrow we’ll make everything right again.”

“Tomorrow the cold reality will have gained a few more degrees.”

“Tomorrow I will try again.”

“Tomorrow might be THE day.”

No more.

Maybe tomorrow’s are outdated.

Tomorrow is already today and nearly yesterday.

Time run faster than the wind and we all change color and fall like the leaves.

I feel my tomorrows slip through my cold fingers as they intertwine with my todays and become my yesterdays.

Now is the only Time.

ti tnaw t’nod I ebyam tuB


“Tomorrow Is Nearly Yesterday And Everyday Is Stupid” is the title of Crywank’s 2013 album. I came across this band a while back and the first half of the title’s stuck with me ever since.So, yeah I just wrote this.