Pause and try to keep the timeline real?


I want to start off this week with a clear-ish idea of what my next moves are going to be and in order to do so, I need to take a few minutes and look back on this past month.

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It’s kind of weird when I think about it, that I need to write down a list of things that I’ve actually experienced in the very close past for it to feel real? I mean, this is beyond the whole “pinch me, I’m dreaming” feeling of being in Ireland and being happy! It’s just the way my memories look inside of my brain, when I write it and talk about it, it actually brings back the feeling of them and it reminds me that they’re real. It makes them more tangible in a way, my mind can better grasp the concept of them being past but being real, and it’s a little less blurry. Just need life to feel a little less abstract?

I’ll just jump right in with a concise bullet point list of the bigger things that popped up in this life of mine. I’ll keep the awakenings and deep thoughts for other posts though, haha.

  • TFB put out a new album and I fell in love with them AGAIN
  • I got a left-handed guitar. (Super big deal, but appreciate how calm I can remain about it as I type this sentence without going all crazy with CAPS EvERywHERE)
  • I met Kim again and also a very good friend of hers!! ❤
  • I finally dived back in my music theory books and am trying to gain back those tiny bits of knowledge I barely had before
  • I got a new phone which is equally confusing me and amazing me. The qualityyyyyy
  • Hotel Books also has a new album out and my ears/heart have been blessed and wrecked by this gift
  • I bought two books
  • I had an anxiety fit (tiny) like I hadn’t in a long while and it ruined me for two days
  • Went to the woods with my family and saw a live DEER!!
  • New doors being open before my wide eyes…

Things have been really calm. And, besides my guitar being a really BIG deal, everything else that happened was just like a smooth and natural addition to the big painting that did not cause so much tumult. Well, the new music did get my emotions to go a little sideways and all but…. Man. Now that I wrote it all down, I realize that there really hasn’t been this much happening at all. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Slowly, I guess, is a good word to describe it? A slow fast tidy mess. Sounds good to me. But things are happening, or at least, I know that they will. I KNOW. I just can’t mention much yet because I’m scared of getting too excited about it and then having it just snatched from my sweaty hands… Sometimes I pause and I’m like, “Damn, Life has indeed scarred me.”Ha. It’s probably not that bad a thing although it often stops me from showing/experiencing any enthusiasm or happiness which actually sucks big fucking time. I’m not even sure if I’m excited about it anymore. In a way it does keep my feet on the ground I guess. But more often than not, it just ruins the fun of it all.

Anyway. Point is: shit’s about to get real. And I better brace myself cos I’m not fucking ready and it’s gonna be big and only get bigger and OH MY H

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Still trying to keep up!


Poor time management.

It’s past eleven and I’m sick, so I’m not gonna beat around the bush. The only reason I haven’t had the time to write in what seems like forever is because my free time is like a wet soap in my hands. Every time I think I got a good grip on it, it slips right outta my fingers and onto the sink and then it’s a slippery mess in the sink as I try to grab it back. I have loads of free time, even today as I was on babysitting duty all afternoon and night. LOADS. Yet, somehow, I end up doing so little…

It gets really frustrating sometimes, you know, since I have all these things I want to do, all this hard work I heartily pile up upon my shoulder while I convince myself that any drop of laziness will only result in DEATH. Much needed pressure, honestly. I’ve gotten way more serious about wanting to achieve stuff these past two years. I’m craving full devotion to my passions but my complete lack of organization and adulting skills is making it hard. I’ve tried setting up a schedule for guitar practice/music theory and make sure that I digest these scales quickly and practice everyday. But… The truth is I haven’t even finished getting that schedule down… Which just doesn’t help in any way! x)

Anyways. I’ve put the kids to bed two and a half hours ago already and somehow, I’ve only just now started typing! I’m gonna try and get some posts ready for the upcoming week because I’m not sure whether I’ll be able to write during the week at all… We’ll see how that goes! I really feel like I need to get back to writing more often on this messy blog of mine. I need it to assess my progress in life and process what’s happening to me. I need it for introspection. And, I feel like I’ve lost some of my depth??! I mean, I’ve just done so little thinking and looking in lately that I just feel more stupid than usual; like I’ve lost touch with myself, a little bit…

It’s hard keeping up. I’ve been here for a little over two months now. I’m completely settled in. I know the streets. My family is home. I’m completely fine and comfortable. And, honestly, the only real issue for now is my relation to Time. Hopefully, sooner than later I’ll get on the right track but for the moment, I am an out of step mess.

Those two months felt like a dozen but at the same time, flew by faster than a week. And this week, as it was mid-term break and the kids went to Halloween camp, I had more free time during the days but ended up doing less things than on the usual school days.

I’ve never had a good feeling for time if that makes any sense. Even when I was still at school I could never keep up with what day it was or anything. I still knew like, what classes I had and what I had to do, but don’t ask me about the date because I’d have zero clue. I guess I’m good at digesting  routines. I do it so well that it eventually becomes second nature and I don’t even have to wonder about the big lines. Auto-pilot?

What I’m trying to say here simply is that I had all the time on my hands but I dropped it onto the floor and every time I tried to pick it up, I kicked it with my feet. I still did some stepping forward, but penguin style, I barely moved in the end. Ha ha!

I am honestly trying to get on the damn track but I guess that I’m still adjusting. And I don’t realize it because I feel so goddamn comfortable already! When you check the facts, I’ve only been here for a little while and I am indeed probably still adjusting to everything. But with things going on so smoothly and my feeling so settled in my little Irish nest, I just keep forgetting how new it all is and that might be where it blocks. Constant confusion, ha!

I’ll get there! In time. (lolz)

Positive bullets #3


I had to look through my blog just to make sure I didn’t get the number wrong, only to realize that this is only the third P.B.post! I was supposed to go somewhere this afternoon but I kind of freaked out and avoided every bus stop. I couldn’t stop walking and I eventually ended up in the supermarket, buying things I needed, which I was only supposed to do later today, after having went to that place… I felt bad and have been slowly going down since because that tiny wave hit hard.

Then, I bought cat and dog food because there were these nice people from a shelter (I think?) collecting food and donations to help feed abandoned pets. So, that cheered me up a bit. I even bought a special one for kitties because babies… I didn’t give much because I didn’t have much money on me but I did buy some and that felt good to know that this tiny little action could make other souls happy.

On my way back I was thinking about doing another one of these posts because I can feel myself going there again and I don’t want it to devour me completely. So, here they come the positive bullets because I really need them! Let’s take a moment to acknowledge, rediscover, celebrate, what makes me feel alive, what I do love, what activates the happy sparks in my heart.

  • I love smiling at children in the street because when they smile back it makes me feel happy.
  • I’m in love with button mushrooms and broccoli gently cooked with soy sauce; it’s delicious!
  • When I’m walking outside and it’s rained a bit, and I can smell the leaves from the ground and there’s this fresh breath of air that the trees create that embraces me.
  • Hearing my mom’s voice on the telephone
  • Singing with all my heart and not feeling the pressure of the thin walls of this room.
  • Getting excited over anything with my best friend.
  • Passing dogs in the streets and smiling at them!
  • When it rains.
  • I like it when I put slices of cucumber in my water and then I feel so fancy, and it’s refreshing
  • It warms my heart when I see people outside just being themselves; like that woman that I passed earlier, waving at someone in the distance while on the phone with her and feeling that slight fear she had that the person wouldn’t see her or go the other way. It warms my heart to witness life happening in its simplest form.
  • I love hearing my voice teacher tell me that I have potential and my voice can be much greater. It gives me more strength to hang onto hope which sometimes fades when I try to believe in my future.
  • When my little brother sends us a picture on our Facebook family group chat and asks us “What do you think of …?” when we only answer with emojis. The boy needs words!
  • Hotel Books and feeling Cam’s pain and feelings through his voice and words
  • The feeling I get every time I leave my voice lesson which I believe is a mix satisfaction and confidence which I’m not very used to.
  • Watching my favorite tv-show because I’ve grown so attached to the characters and they feel like family and I’m just so happy every time I see them again.
  • I love being sensitive and feeling things very intensely because when the side of the storm that makes me numb hits me I lose a big part of myself and it’s a part that I like a lot.
  • Listening to the Burlesque album, dancing around in my pjs and being overwhelmed by the power of Christina Aguilera’s voice.
  • I like it when I paint my nails and don’t put so much nail polish on my fingers!
  • I love the people that record rain sounds and these kind of Nature stuff and put these long videos up on YouTube because most nights it’s what helps me fall asleep and shut insomnia’s cakehole!

That’s a nice little list we have here! Even though this isn’t curing my heart, I know it helps deep down. 🙂

There’s beauty everywhere, in everything and everyone, I know that, and I don’t want to forget it, ever. When it gets really dark outside, I need to stop for a moment, sit down and remind myself that, even if I don’t see them right now/all the time, there are bright lights out there and they’re always there. And this is what positive bullets are all about. They aren’t no antidote to the day’s darkness, just a reminder of the light. Not because I’m always stuck in the rain means I can’t see the rainbows.

The rainbows are always here because life is made of endless sun and endless rain, and our existences are just these streams that go back and forth from the shadowy, cold places, to the warm, sunny ones. Sometimes, we get stuck on one side for longer than we’d like, but the sky is still the same. We can stare at the rain, at the sun or at the rainbows from any point we stand at; we just need to remember that we can. Sometimes, we’re lucky and we’re stuck in the middle where the rainbows are more obvious and the rain and sun seem so distant. But just like the Earth, we’re always moving, always growing and changing and dying.

I like the way SOAD explains it in their song Aerials: “Life is a waterfall, we’re one in the river then one again after the fall, swimming through the void […]”. Honestly, the whole song is a masterpiece. The lyrics are beautiful.

Sometimes I like to fight against the current, sometimes I like to go with the flow, often my head’s under the water. But I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to stand through the fluctuations and bend when the waves are strong. I’m learning life.

I’m probably going to be having a sad night, let’s be honest. But I have chocolate, I have wine, I have ice cream and endless cheering movies and sad ones and scary ones to watch and float away until dawn…

The sun will rise and we will try again

-Truce, t∅p

I’m going to try and keep writing that chapter now.

Until next post, keep it positive! Don’t underestimate the power of your mind. Even if you can’t wipe away the darkness, you can light up those candles, as tiny as they might be, along your way. The power is in your hands. ❤

The struggle of shitty pictures.


Yesterday I got angry at a lot of things. Memories, people, myself and whatnot. Then my anger focused on a very recent event and I managed to let it out through art, painting to be exact, as I clearly doesn’t have a guitar to calm me down anymore. I painted a really beautiful piece which I was really proud of and entitled it “Angry blue heart”. I was hurt –still am– and got it out on paper through violent brushes strokes. Yes I literally just beat a piece of thick paper with a big brush. It’s called art.

Anyways. I felt better from having finished and also from seeing the really nice thing I had just created. Of course, as I usually do, I picked up my phone to take a picture of my painting for it to be shared with whomever dare look. For I believe that art only truly lives once it is shared with a soul other than the creator’s. I snapped a picture and realized it needed more light for the colors to show. I then proceeded to turn on the lights as the grey sky outside definitely wasn’t enough for this painting. I tried again, still not. Then, I went on trying several different positions. Tried to hold my painting up, down. Stick it to a wall. Balance it on my kitchen sink. Take a pic while sitting on the toilets. Nothing was ever enough for the colors to show.

I was already in a fragile state of mind, so needless to say that I had a headache pretty quickly. Those pictures were getting on my nerves. No amount of trying could fix it and it was just so frustrating. So the “best” picture I got was on the kitchen sink, my painting balanced on a plate and resting on a glass with all the lights on. And it still isn’t enough. (And btw, now my kitchen light doesn’t work anymore. I don’t know when I’ll buy a new freaking neon cos they aren’t cheap and DARKNESS MY LOVE)

This is something I struggle a lot with. Sure, I can hear you coming all “Just save money and buy a better phone or an actual camera, you loser.”. But yeah, I’m already saving for the cheapest most expensive guitar I can dream of so I hardly see myself buying a new phone anytime soon. My phone still works okay. “Then, stop complaining.” Nope. I can’t stop complaining because I’m bathing in mediocrity all the while wearing designer clothes. Say what again?

I make art, okay? I’m usually really proud of what I create and love to see my own progress. I’m proud of my art and I want to share it, NEED to share it. But the problem is, my pictures aren’t of very high quality and it just never truly displays the effort I put into my art and that hurts me to some extent. I see it, it’s pretty, it’s gone through a lot, yet it shines. But on the picture, it looks so different and you can’t tell all that. It’s just like me sometimes actually. Ha ha! Mirror? Yes. Picture? NOPE.

I don’t mean to make a big deal out of it, even though IT IS. Usually I can take pictures that are actually fine enough to show off my art. But this one just doesn’t even get to that “fine enough” level. None of the colors actually ever appeared the way they truly are. It’s horrible. I know what I can do to fix this issue but it’s not my priority right now. My priority right now is a guitar. So, I guess it’ll have to wait…

I just wish I could show you guys what it truly looks like, because I really put a lot of time and effort into these and I wish my pictures could truly demonstrate that… Like the pictures I took with my little brother’s tablet back in Reunion! Those were awesome and you could really see the awesomeness of my watercolor!

Alright, just had to write that down so I feel a bit lighter. It just bothered me so much yesterday that it poked my still frustration well and now it’s all restless again. But I’m done now. The shitty pictures will have to do until I can take better ones. 😉

P.S.: I still haven’t sorted my categories yet so this whole blog is still a giant online mess. But I think about it often. Just have to get to it. 😛

P.P.S: I’ve already mentionned this on twitter but I received my new set of painting brushes today. They’re like really long! Which actually doesn’t turn out so annoying when working on A4 paper (just wait until I poke my eyes…). I tried them a bit earlier while on Skype with my mom, with my self-portrait which “doesn’t look like me but has my eyes but isn’t ugly just is lacking something” according to the momma. Will try to finish that thing soon!

Bittersweet day


Today (just realized that as I type this that it’s past midnight… I just can’t seem to get it right haha) got dark really quickly and I didn’t do anything.

It was hard getting out of bed. I had this very long nightmare that ended on a musical number in my highschool AND primary school (melted together, of course) with many people I grew up with and the Jonas Brothers? Yeah, that was unexpected but funny; at least when I woke up. Early morning chuckles are such a nice way to start a day, especially when they echo on the walls of MY EMPTY ROOM. Ha ha. Just kidding. I mean, it is empty but I can’t seriously  exaggerate anything right now; not in the mood. 😛

But as soon as I got out of that magnetic poisonous sponge (okay, maybe I lied. I just can’t control it!) things were great. I picked up my phone and instantly bought the song of Mermaid, Yellow, check it out NOW(it’s only 0.99£/1,21€ to support an amazing band!). I love them so much and Mirela inspires me a lot as a singer and a woman! ❤ I felt really good doing that. It’s such a warm feeling to know that you’re helping and it’s even greater that you get instant satisfaction from it as now I have my own copy of an amazing song!

Anyways. Got breakfast, turned computer on, ready to get back on that self-portrait while there’s still “sun” outside (more like a really bright grey sky yeah) and everything. And then, I’m not sure what happened nor where time went but it got dark all of a sudden.

I was on Avenged Sevenfold’s website and just felt like a millionaire all of a sudden and bought a shirt and the digital copy of their latest album THE STAGE (which I still haven’t listened to… >w<). Now, don’t get me wrong. I had only come for a shirt (yeah that sure sounds “better”) but then I saw that they had a special deal where you got the shirt + the album and it was a great deal that I just couldn’t miss. Figured, hey, that’ll be a nice opportunity to listen to it (FINALLY!) and also support a band that I absolutely live for. So I did.

Then, the sun fell into the ground and my curtains embraced my windows. My room was pitch black. All of a sudden it was the middle of the afternoon and I was doing math, doing my books to be more precise and the whole Universe was being absorbed by a huge black hole sporting the Amazon logo and my stupid Facebook profile picture was shining like a fast food sign above the mass, like a bright marked path to HELL.

(See what I meant by “I can’t control it”? 😉 )

Now, of course, I hear you coming with the “Surely it isn’t THAT dramatic, Chloë.” but hear me when I say YES IT IS. Alright, maybe just tone it down a bit but it’s still a real rock that fell onto my head that afternoon. I was counting and counting and what I saw was the probability (91,47% to be precise; not) that I wouldn’t be able to afford the guitar that I want NEED next month and that I might have to go another month without guitar… Does that still sound overdramatic to you? Well, I don’t care because it is a big deal to me and the only thing I can do about it, well, I can’t do.

I’m already on the verge of losing my mind. It’s just really hard to be without the only thing you care about. And I really can’t sing freely in my room because I can’t take the pressure off my shoulders… The walls are too thin and I can’t be okay with bothering people so I always end up being quieter than I should. This is not healthy.

Anyways. I descended in a pit of darkness and could hear the voices again. Maybe I shouldn’t even buy a new guitar; at all. Maybe I should just go back home and give up this foolish dream. Maybe I don’t need it. And boy did I NOT miss them. Couldn’t shut them off on time, they said their lines then waited and it only took a few seconds for all energy to be drained from my body.

In an attempt to feel better  or at least recharge my batteries, I went to listen to the album which I had downloaded. I dragged my wiggly body to my bed and lied there under my covers, headphones plucked in my top quality phone. It plays the first song of the album which I’ve already heard as it was the single. I’m sooo overwhelmed by the music like really. Tears! Sure a bit from tiredness and discouragement but mostly the music. So beautiful and… I don’t have the words yet. I feel like I’m floating and it feels so good. Wait for it…. Only ONE song? Did I buy only one song for that much money? Or is something wrong with the download?

Of course, my mind was set on negative so I was irritated. I tried my best to keep calm. Was hard, especially when I had to restart my computer twice to finally log onto my account and see what’s up. I sent a mail to the customer’s service and quickly got a reply with a dropbox link to download it. It felt better already. But I was still discouraged. But just slightly; not as dark as before. Still had that bitterness in my mouth though.

Just that one song actually washed away half of the filth I spat onto myself after having touched the evil numbers relative to my money. I was calmer. Still very wiggly though. Hours later (don’t ask me what happened, Idek), I was picking a movie to eat food while watching even if the idea of food didn’t exactly sound okay to me at that moment. I settled for A Street Cat Named Bob and it was beautiful. It moved me so much and I loved every bit of it. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend or maybe read the book or do both? Worth it!

As I finished the movie I checked a bit my Facebook feed and came across a gem. A beautiful bright one that came to me right when I needed it! A new song from LIGHTS and Steve James called Warrior. And that was, well, the cherry on a bitter cake.

I had a really long and negative day but I survived. And good actually came out of it. I helped a “baby band” which is growing so fast ( ❤ ), I ruined myself in the name of metal ( \m/ )… again!, I cried in front of a movie with a cat (for a change 😦 ) and I got some more fuel from LIGHTS ( 😀 ).

Also, after a really dark moment full of panic I rubbed my feet on the ground and reminded to myself that even if I can’t afford a guitar next month, I ‘ll still have the singing lessons and I’ll just have to be less quieter in my room (At least I’m not yell-crying like that couple on the 4th floor when they argue, it’s just singing and not so bad most of the time so turn it up! Just a notch though. I don’t think I can overcome the pressure I put on myself not to bother people with my existence. Wish the walls were thicker!). I’ll get that guitar eventually, i.e. SOON. And no, I won’t settle for a less expensive one. I’ve fallen in love. I’ll get her. And then I’ll have to work thrice as hard. Good times.

Anyways. That’s a really long post. I don’t think anyone reads these. x) At least I hope you skipped to the song:

 

Eyes open wide ❤

 

Slow, slow, sloooow days (without Glitch)


It’s been really hard ever since I got back for me to get anything done. Time stands still or runs like a thief, either way I’m left starving on the floor. As much as this is frustrating and irritating because, now more than ever, I really feel the importance of working hard and harder at what matters to me, I’ve gotta go with the flow. I might not be working as hard as I should and being productive enough to spit on past-me’s lazy face, but I’m building the bigger steps for my future. Then I’ll have to do all the running.

Last week I sold my guitar.

You WHAT?

I sold Glitch; last week…

Why?

To have money. Although I sold it for a ridiculously low price cos I was in a hurry.

WHY?

I know it sounds crazy but hear me out, it was to buy a flight ticket back home for July/August…

Oh… So you’re just letting go of your foolish dreams?

Heck no! I’ll be leaving for Ireland in August/September, one way (as an au pair) or another (God help me). So I need to see my family and home before the big jump because I don’t know when I’ll afford to be back there again.

So now I feel really alone. x) I mean, no guitar?! How is one supposed to survive that? I can’t even sing freely confined in this room. My fingers are crying because they are not hurting anymore. And my days just feel so empty! I love drawing, painting and writing stories. And usually I go well about alternating all these activites all day long. But without a guitar around, it just doesn’t feel okay. Because it is all I can do and I’m not really passionate about these as I am with playing music. I love it but it’s like with a guitar-less room, my energy is almost non-existant. I’ve started many paintings and have been doodling a bit in my sketchbooks but I lack the “!!!”. Know what I mean?

Still pushing through though and doing as much as I can even if that means a few brush strokes per day; that’s okay. I might lack the energy and maybe a bit of will too on some days, but as long as I still try I think it’s okay. I know I should be doing more but I really just can’t do more. It’s really hard to explain but really, when Glitch left it left me with an acutal whole in my chest. I will survive but I’m not sure I’ll get my “!!!” back until I have another guitar by my side. So, until then I still do things even if my focus is down to -69% and my energy’s just a ghost I see on pictures and cry thinking about in my bed at night.

Just a little recap of what’s been done-ish:

*I’ve changed the theme of my website but still haven’t dealt with the shitty categories yet. Pretty sure I’ll change it again though. I just can’t seem to understand what it is that I want it to look like. Ugh!

*I’m working on a self-portrait + exploring with new art supplies I bought.

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A quote of my own character in my sketchbook; YES

*I’m not actively looking for a host family but I’ve created an account and I log on it everyday to check some families out.

*I’ve money saved for a new guitar which I’ll only afford next month.

*I’ve got a start for Uncage the Night‘s chapter VIII but it’s shit and took me FOREVER. I’m okay with that, I just really need a full first draft of the chapter to be able to write a nice one from!

*I’ve reached out to a lovely woman for singing classes. Nothing’s happened yet but it’s on its way. Safe way to make progress as I’ve barely been working on my singing ever since I moved in this lovely dorm room.

Ever since I got back, I got these uhm…. I guess that’s what you call breakthroughs or is it wake up calls?? I realized a lot of obvious things but you know, the kind that’s too obvious for your to see?

I remember I was sitting at my “desk” and it just hit me. And then I was so mad at myself. This is my third year of college. THIRD. And it’s all been mostly a waste of energy and time! I didn’t learn much if not through the bad things that’s happened on the sides. It’s made my mental health slightly worse than it used to be. I didn’t really make friends; only lost the few I had. I’ve been basically killing myself over something that has literally no value to my eyes. I was so mad at myself because I’m the only reason for that, I’m the mastermind behind all this nonsense. What kind of silly person puts herself through all of this without even once stopping and thinking, hey,maybe I should just stop doing what makes me unhappy and go with my damn GUTS AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING I LIKE AND DOESNT KILL ME INSIDE OR IF IT DOES AT LEAST IS WORTH THE BLOODSHED????

Anyways, my point is that all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere it HIT ME right in the fucking face. Now I’m full of that “done” feeling. Done with my own fucking bullshit but you wanna know the funny part? I’m kind of stuck in the mess I made. I can’t exactly leave right now for many reasons which I won’t waste time typing. So, I really do have to wait for August/September to leave. Fun, right? Where did that past year even go, I wonder…

So that’s just me these days. Done, done, DONE. With pretty much everything. I want out, NEED out. But I’m stuck here for a few more months… I know that I should make the best of the time I have left but I need a way to galvanize this dying body and mind if I want to get anything done. I can’t just lie around and wait, no fucking more. I’ve done that enough. I wanna do things so I will do things. And first I’ll find a way to get some energy back because waiting for my guitar to bring me back to life will drive me crazy.

So that’s it I guess. Now you know. Glitch is gone but I’m getting myself back and I’m taking my life back too. It’s about damn fucking time I realized that don’t you think? I felt so stupid and was so mad. I’m fine now. I’ve actually been doing fine. Really frustrated, but fine. I feel like, even though I didn’t get enough, I did stock up on fuel and candles at home and it’s helping me a lot right now even though Glitch stole a piece of my soul. TTwTT

Let’s hope that next post is either the damn chapter or a poem or a painting or a drawing and not just another that. x)

Until then, take care of yourselves and cherish your guitars ❤

My friend, Misery.


Yesterday, I had a rough morning which involved two and a half hours of sleep, caffeine, pink clouds, tears, heavy breathing, one hour and a half of being stuck to a bench, paralysis and strangers’ voices. Ol’ Insomnia has knocked on my door once again and in all my loneliness, I let her in, hoping she would help distract me. Of course, she ran in and, first things first, kicked Rest out of my bed so she would be the one to hold me all night long.

I know that anxiety don’t mix well with sleep deprivation nor coffee. But what am I supposed to do when my brain won’t shut up at night and I end up having three to four hours of sleep on a good day? I need that coffee to help me walk to the university to attend classes that I actually won’t attend fully if at all (I’ll let you guess which has been the most common scenario lately…). And as much as I know how bad an idea it is, I’ll do it because I’m exhausted from all the previous anxiety waves and also obviously from the lack of sleep inflicted by revived insomnia. But these two elements added together will only make me weaker, both physically and mentally, and therefore more prone to anxiety fits & co.

Then, no matter what I’ll try, be it breathing exercises, rational thinking (say what?), counting to ten and whatnot, it’ll happen. It’ll happen again and I’ll be trapped; trapped inside a bag of flesh and bones that cannot move anymore unless it is to shake; trapped within a mind that is pretty mad at me at that moment and doesn’t value me, only wishes to beat me up and bury me.

When I feel my toes again and when I manage to unglue my arms/hands to my face and look up enough to see it, I’ll slowly move towards the closest exit. My feet will then engage in autopilot and I’ll walk endlessly until the tears dry and my body cools down. Then I’ll somehow manage to drag the empty shell that I have suddenly become to my room with next to no energy. And I’ll be drained for the day, unable to do much at all. And I’ll try to sleep but it just won’t work because, no matter how tired, I still drank a cup of coffee when I woke this morning and that was barely two hours ago so the caffeine hasn’t left my worn out veins. So I’ll lie down on my bed or most likely the floor for a few hours, lifeless, emotionless; drained.

I’m stuck in an endless sea of vicious cycles. Each time I get out of one, I end up in another one and so on until it’s back to square one.

So tell me, what’s the use of trying if it never changes?

This is all my fault. All of these horrible struggles I go through everyday are in my head. It’s my design, I create them. And if I can’t stop them, pause them or tame them, who the fuck can? Nobody else should actually. This is my mess, my burden, my gift to myself. Happy birthday to me

I’m just so tired of it all. I keep trying and trying, sure, sometimes less than others, but I still do to some extent. And I keep failing one way or another. It always ends up burying me and I lose myself under this big pile of bullshit. All the trying does is wear me out. I’ll push the boulder up the hill, as far as I can depending on what strength the previous day has left me and what little more the present one gave me. I’ll push it everyday just to be crushed over and over as it rolls back down and I’m left to start over. Maybe I’d have moved half a millimeter away from my original position, but what is that compared to torment I had to live through to get there. It may feel like a lot but in reality, I barely would have moved, and I can’t be fooled anymore. It’s all so ridiculous and I feel like a madman going up that hill over and over (no offense, Sisyphus 😉 ).

But you know why I keep trying? Because there’s a sweet aftertaste to misery’s sourness, and I like it as much as I hate it. It’s been part of my life for a while now and it’s the one thing that never changes, never leaves and always will come back. In all this mayhem, all this going back and forth from light to darkness, my demons are the stability that, funny enough, keep me from falling apart as they tear me apart. People leave one way or another, but my demons they never leave. The storm gets old and then new again but it’s never gone.

Oh, as I’m at loss for words after typing all these thoughts, I’ll end this post with a Garbage song which is in fact really in relation with that post. There you go:

And FYI, Metallica did a cover of that song and, well, it rocks too! ❤