The lights come on; the darkness shines again.
The good feelings slide down her body and onto the floor like a dress made out of silk and the weight returns to her shoulders. And there she stands, naked and covered in darkness, under the bright lights that reveal the skeleton of the stage; the flesh and bones of the magical beings she was one with only seconds ago. It is a long and quiet walk back to the hotel room. There are so many feelings, so many reactions and too many thoughts racing through her right now. She smiles. Forever.
The light leaves her eyes and fills the room.
She lies on the bed all night long. Her body enjoys its comfort during these eternal seven hours during which she cannot fall asleep. Buzzing in her head, ringing in her ears, a smile glued to her tired yet blissful face and that feeling devouring her heart and soul. It eats her away, but not in the way that you’d think. It eats her away and makes her whole again. It fills these empty spaces, the dots on the map, the blank spaces in the story. And she’s being chewed on all night. And all morning. And all week. And it never ends.
The light leaves the lamp and fills her heart.
She recalls that night where darkness was home to light and she was all lit up. The stage had her. Her eyes, her ears, her heart and mind. Not a piece of her was kept to herself. She was wide open and her insides enjoyed the fresh air for once. She recalls home as she stands in the middle of her dark room. She looks outside and sees the lighters held up high in the sky. And as she eagerly presses the button on her phone, the first note hits her and takes her back to the stage. Now she’s standing on it, with her heroes besides her and she is the one she knows she is growing to be. She closes her eyes and lets the rain inside drown out the beat of her impatient heart.
The light leaves the moon and goes back to the sun. But the darkness inside is not gone nor is the revived flames and the eternal light, and they eat away at her. Forever. And she smiles.
This was my attempt at writing how attending the Avenged Sevenfold show made me feel. I wrote it in my phone while I was dizzy on my way back home the morning after with zero sleep and eventually forgot about the note. And as I was looking through my phone a few weeks ago I saw it again and I thought that it was really interesting.
Attending this show was like one of the best things that happened to me so far this year. It just gave some truths I already was familiar with a much louder voice and it was like a sweet sweet REMINDER.
Out there, in the dark, the noise, the crowd, the fire (thank you Disturbed for the pyrooooo!!), I found my place. At first, I wanted to title this text “Homesick from shows” because that’s how it felt like and still feels like. I was in a perfect place where I could breathe and feel my everything just smile at the universe and I had to walk away from it and into a dull room filled with bitterness and anxiety; that hollow polka dotted shell.
And for the following weeks, I wore the biggest smile and I was just filled with everything good, everything strong and I still had that feeling inside of me. It had become like a second skin but one that I wore under my flawed flesh bag, like warm tights under my worn out jeans in winter. And it kept me feeling strong for a long while. Then, yes, I had a bit of a good fall but it only showed me where I stood or at least, where I aimed to stand once I could cement my bones back together again.
When I read these few paragraphs again last week for my video, I just felt the fire burn inside of me. It was like the flames were reacting to my reading out loud those words, like my nephew reacting to my sister’s laughter or my dog to my calling his name. The flame inside was rejoicing as I was re-discovering its existence and giving it enough space to breathe anew.
I was assaulted by yet another wave of darkness, that hit me real hard. And it only added to the heavy cloud I carry around. Half of me might still be down or maybe less. But it doesn’t matter. The mayhem inside, the light from the show is here and the many flames that I am, alongside the rain that is also me; it’s all still here and it fuels me. Just like my fear. And just like my joy and the kind loving words of the souls that I encounter. I don’t live like I’m not alive anymore. I am stronger now and I can clearly see where I’m aiming, and I won’t stop shooting. I’m not allowing myself to stand in my way anymore!
I already knew. I always knew that this was what I wanted. But after that night, I knew.
This isn’t a dream anymore nor has it actually ever been. It isn’t just something to believe in and hope for it to happen, hope that I have what it takes to make it happen. No. After that night, it was crystal clear; it is truth, a fact, a reality that I only have to walk towards. It is happening. It will happen. There is no other way. Not because I hope it will; not because I have decided it will. Because there is no other way. This is the reality that I have been walking towards ever since I learnt how to and even when I wasn’t noticing, every step that I laid before me (and sometimes behind or above/underneath;
fuck straight lines) were and still are leading there.
I don’t think the Universe is merciless, I think it is full of love and compassion and if you show it your heart, it’ll help. Maybe there is such a thing as fate, but maybe it isn’t such a sad thing as a steel path your ankles are chained to and you have to follow forever. Maybe it is that dull pre-written grey path that we all are set out to walk on as we come into this world… But maybe with our ability to love, hope, dream, and all of that magic of the soul, it slowly becomes filled with flowers and trees and sunshine, and whatnots as we walk through it, and through life as the universe reads each of our hearts’ sighs and sends us these ladders and fuel tanks when it deems our wishes honest enough. I don’t know about that, I can only make up these little stories like a kid and try to explain the unexplainable to my underused ape brain.
But what I’m sure that I know now is what I want. And from now on, I’ll be walking towards my reality while actually looking at it, and seeing its shiny top far away on the horizon and following that damn light. I’m not walking a confused walk anymore. I see it. I know it. And I’m happening.
I am the fire. And I know how I want to burn.
Everything you need is already inside of you, it’s just all up to you to decide what you use, how much, how long and what for. I know you probably hear that a lot around you and it sounds so cliché and maybe you’re one of those that are like “seek of hearing this Hakuna Matata motto from people who won the lotto but [you’re] not that lucky” (direct quote from Set It Off’s Why Worry, awesome song, go listen!!!). But lemme tell you, I’ve been in places, situations, states of mind and I’ve seen and heard stories, and I can assure you that YOU ARE THE KEY. And I know that it’s usually pretty hard to realize it, especially when you’re deep in the whole, been there, done that. But it is indeed true. And that’s why I will keep repeating it while I still can, while I still stand.
This is one of those things that you know deep inside of you. You have the power over your life, maybe not always completely with all the money bullshit and such, but always over how you experience things, how you react and how you let it all impact you. Sometimes you need a reminder. So I’ll keep repeating it, to remind myself, and remind you.
You are the fire. You are the fuel. You can get up. You can stand up again. And you can decide where to go, who to be. It’s all up to you. The key’s in your hands,down your throat, in your heart. Trust yourself and let your light shine.
Anyways. I hope I did spread some light or at least a few sparks. And hmm, well… Until next post, don’t forget. ❤