How’s that first week going?

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HI hi hi! This is my blog, I wanted to talk about my day and so I will do just that.

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Much love for my host mom!

Maybe it sounds silly to you, but I sometimes forget that this is, indeed, my blog. It is my personal blog. But I sometimes get so caught up in the whole productivity log side of it and also, the deeper side of writing, that I feel like simple posts like this don’t belong on here. But, they do; of course, they do!

And as an individual, my emotions, my thoughts, my moods and my reactions to the Universe’s flow come in different colors and shades and shapes. And all of them are valid and worth, if no one else’s, my own time. They all deserved to be acknowledged, appreciated and embraced.

Now, this is so not what this post is going to be about but I think it is worth the mention. One of my new year’s resolutions is to “let my emotions shine again” which is intimately linked to “Not be afraid to be fully me, always.” Where these come from is the poor coping mechanism that originated from all the self-censor and shutting down provoked by the small repetitive teasing & joking around of my peers.

I could write a lot about this topic, and I will, eventually at some point. All I wanted to say right now is that it is an issue that I am working on and this what this post is about in a way also. Allowing all parts of myself to shine and co-exist on my blog is a first step towards that goal of gaining back what I thought I had to steal from myself to survive. So, let’s start, shall we?!

So far, this week has been going pretty good for me on many aspects!

I recovered from my sore throat very quickly and I’ve been rather productive. I mostly stayed in the house until I was sure I was completely recovered but I didn’t go crazy! I did a nice little amount of walking these past two days to make up for it, and I got to see Esther again (finally!!).

Today, I spent a long time in the morning working on the next chapter of my story, Uncage the Night. It’s coming along pretty nicely although I’m still unsure whether to keep that chapter as part of the story or keep it as an extra, after the story ends. It’s a disturbing one, but in a different way than every other is disturbing… It’s really weird to write it but it is such a crucial part of the story. Maybe not crucial but it is part of it and there is no way for me to just cut it out. It’s here to stay. One way or another.

Then, it took me forever to get ready as I was chatting with my best friend at the same time. I went for a walk down to Douglas. The plan was to go out for lunch on my own again and launch myself into yet another personal/creative project that I’m starting this year(which I’ll talk about later in another post! 😉 ). But, what I got instead was ten new markers and a tiny anxiety fit. Yeah…

It was a very small one but it took a lot of energy out of me. I swear it was such a teensy-weensy one. I wanted to go to a certain restaurant to eat, but as I walked in front of it and I saw the people inside, I just kept walking past it. And literally nothing happened. But there was anxiety involved and it still drained me. So I walked back up, took the loooong way home, and got me some chocolate chip cookies on my way back. It was tiny, but it still wrecked me; physically and mentally.

My body was tired. I was disappointed and a little bit saddened by the very lame surprise that interrupted my good time out. And when I got home, all I did was sing. Which helped me feel better. I just now posted a few clips on my Instagram and also a new cover on my YouTube channel. And I’m really happy about it in a way because, although it is FAR from really good, I can hear so much progress in my voice and it just sounds so… I’m not sure what it is. But it gives me hope & confidence about my musical future to be honest.

On the same topic, I’ve secured my spot for the 25th February vocal workshop in Douglas. I paid (I mean, my best friend did and I sent her a fancy fancy chèque) and I just can’t wait to go!! This is going to be soooo awesome!

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After the singing, when my host family got back home, I played around with watercolor for a few minutes, still needed to settled down from the anxiety fit. And then I did some hand study, using my crooked hands as reference. Using my A5 sketchbook more is part of my goals for this month because I only used it four times during my evening art classes and I’m not gonna lie, the size impresses me a bit; so I’m stepping out of the comfort zone, into the progress zone, yo!

 

I also worked on music theory. And well, what I’ve been doing is, basically, go back to the start of my book (once again!) to take notes this time with every chapter as I feel it helps me digest the content better. So right now my learning is in suspension, at the chord progressions chapter, and with my notes I’ve just reached the scales chapter (which is only four chapters away). I’ll catch up eventually! Goal for the month also!

If you follow my Instagram, you would know that I’ve finally gotten more serious about my learning to write with my left-hand. I have managed to work a bit on it everyday so far. And I intend to keep it that way. I’m doing really good!

Just like with the guitar, it is not actually learning, it is more about passing on already acquired skills to my left-hand. I can write pretty well already. It is shaky, slow and clumsy but I’m confident that by the end of this year, I’ll be very good at it!

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In other news, there’s a tropical cyclone close to my island right now. ‘Tis the season after all. We often got cyclones in January, I remember. Last time I read about it it was right on top of Madagascar and it’s been doing a lot of damages over there. It is so big compared to tiny Reunion Island! Ha ha ha. I went through a small storm a little while ago here in Ireland, so, chacun son tour!

And I think that’s about it for today! It was pretty weird and all over the place, but overall, it was a very good day! I still had a good time outside and walking still felt good through the struggle. Being home to my host family at the end of the day also helped a lot! And I am glad that I managed to get some work done!

Here’s to markers and anxiety fits! hehe

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P.S.: I haven’t touched my guitar very much during this week or ever since the school break to be honest. But I’m very excited since the Synyster Gates school has finally been launched! Anybody heard of it? Anyways, the kids are going back to school next week so that’ll mean more guitar time for me!!! ❤

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Last drawing of the year…

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*insert ominous music here*

Ha ha ha! This is actually a pretty hopeful drawing! I drew it earlier while I was watching a horror movie. I really wanted to sketch something quickly, looked around and saw my hand. At first, I didn’t want to do it because I knew it would be hard but then I realized, wtf, the struggle will teach you, don’t cower from it! And so I gave it a shot. And it turned out not so bad, my crooked hand…

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It’s all in the palm of your hands… Your dreams, your life; all of it. Grab your reality by the neck, tell it “You belong to me!” and make it what you want it to be! 2018 is yet another year to make things happen.

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I know it’s not been easy. You all got your personal lot of hard times and I know it’s all so heavy. But you made it so far, and that is in fact a beautiful thing. You’ve been brave, you’ve been strong and you’ve been so much more. Now, keep on searching for the light, guys, there’s so much good to come! ❤

 

Last moments in 2017…

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I’m not going to lie, I had already prepared a much different post to end this year but, since my weekend took a completely opposite direction than what I expected, I figured, f*ck plans.

Here’s how I’ve been spending my afternoon today:

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Cosy in my bed with all sorts of different natural remedies, Eeyore, Dee, some horror movies and my sketchbooks and notebooks laying around just in case. I had a sore throat yesterday and the day before. But today, it turned into this monstrous curse that prevents me from speaking properly and also my skin = dying.

I do not excel at “not speaking” and certainly not for a full day! Thank God for the ability to write and the internet, which allows me to be a chatterbox WORLDWIDE even with keeping my mouth shut! I wanted to make an actual “looking back” post but I’m so not in the mood anymore. Also, I’ve done a little bit of thinking and figured that quoting all that’s happened this year and lingering over past events is not worth my time this time. So we’ll keep it simple and look forward instead!

2017 was…

2017 started out in a bittersweet place. And overall, I’d say it was pretty bittersweet also. Lots of mixed emotions, mixed flavors. I was not doing so bad since I was with my family for the holidays but I was going through some tough shit. Then, when I finally got the last toxic friendship out of my life, things got better. I still hit some pretty dark times, hard times after that. I even got to a point darker than the previous years, which is saying a lot! Ha ha! But then I got myself back on my feet and became stronger than ever. And after that, it was all pretty good (but not without a heartbreak or two).

I think that 2017 was the year of transitions for me. I was letting go of 2016 which was super intense and also still shedding skin from those previous years which had been pretty rough too. There was this new-found strength (which I probably already had but got lost along the way, in all the mayhem) that I had to learn to live with, and fuel and grow with. I was stepping into a life of unknown: a life without those friends that I had built up to become my whole world, a life with a very uncertain future and most importantly, a life with a much higher probability rate for happiness.

I had closed many doors and there were so many more opening to me then, it was overwhelming. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go next and so I did. It was the year of big leaps. I let go of the wrong people, I left the stupid environment that was eating away at my mind, and I made things happen. And that is something I am super proud of! Because it was scary, terrifying and much too big for me, yet I went for it, all the way and now life keeps on giving.

2017 was intense and a very brutally good year. Glad it’s behind. Thankful for all the lessons and experiences. And definitely wouldn’t trade it. It was really hard sometimes, but I pushed through and look where I am now!

What’s next? Everything!

Well, well, well… I’m feeling very ambitious for this new year! I’m positive I will make even more things happen this time around. I’ve already taken such big leaps and also had my fair share of falls, so nothing can stop me now!

I want to start gigging and maybe even have my art displayed somewhere other than my mama’s walls. Which is all going to take lots of work (considering I can’t play a song nor do I have any actual paintings for an exhibition) and won’t be easy. But I’m more than ready for it.

I also will be going on more adventures. Definitely will plan some trips with Esther! There’s loads of things to be seen and fun to be had! And I’m also going to be challenging myself on doing more stuff on my own!

I want to work on bettering myself as a person, let go of poor habits developed in the past while under the charm of toxic relationship’s merciless knives, be a better daughter/sister/friend and poor out some more love out of my stupid heart. There’s a lot to be worked on, pieces to be mended and sides to be polished, but step by step will work on it. Love & patience.

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Close-up on a flamboyant back home by my brother

Now, onto actual plans… Well, I only have one, which is a one day vocal workshop in February. I’m really excited for it since we’ll be working on lots of things, including mic work and performance! And there will be a little recorded performance of a song at the end of the day which sounds like lots of fun. I still haven’t had once voice lesson ever since I left Lille and this will be the first music related thing I actually do ever since I got in Cork, so I’m SUPER excited!

And I also have two personal art project which are emotion/memory log type of things. I will surely be sharing them by the end of January so that there is some content to be shown and not just blank pages and ideas. I think they’re pretty cool so make sure you come back around to check them out! Might inspire you! 😉

And, that’s about it! I’ve got the will to do things! Not many concrete plans just yet but I’ll make it all happen; watch me!

So long, 2017!

Started out this year sipping on some sparkling apple juice on a tropical island and now, we end it sick in bed, unable to sing, but oh-so-very-satisfied!

One year ago today, I could not have guessed where I would be today at all. And I hope that next year will come with an even greater surprise!

I’m thankful for all that have happened and for all that is to come. I’m thankful for my Irish family and new friends. For all the opportunities that I have managed to seize and for the many more that keep being handed out to me. I’m so thankful for my family back home who are being very strong without me and whom are still supportive through the heartbreaks. I’m thankful for all that’s going good and for the lessons! And I’m just so happy at this point in my life right now, although I can only breathe from one nostril, that I don’t know what to say except Thank You, to the Universe and my mom, really. ❤

Here’s to Love! Here’s to Pain! Here’s to Dreams! And here’s to Life! Remember that, yes, it’s not always easy, in fact, it’s hardly ever easy; but no matter how dark the night, morning always come, and no matter how dark the day, how dark the heart, there is always light to be found, even if just a spark. So, keep looking and keep caring!

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Sunset back home a couple of days ago! Pic of my brother!

Wishing you all a happy new year! We survived! Here’s to all the good that is to come! ❤

Make sure you can count on yourself.

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Hi! I’m tired and my eyes are struggling to stay open as I type this. But I have to get it out so bear with me, this is a good one, I promise!

I had a small talk with my best friend earlier about how I’m uncovering wounds that have yet to heal but never stung enough for me to notice them. I have indeed, in the past few days, became aware of a couple of issues and mental/emotional blocks and also realized where a few of them originate from. And I was telling her a bit about them and how I was feeling, how crazy it is the impact that other people and their words, no matter the levity they be spoken in, can have on one tiny person.

She, of course, agreed and worked her best friend magic on me. But there’s one thing she said… She told me we’d work through it together ( ❤ ) and it would take time, loads of precious time, but we’ll get there eventually. Which was sweet. Then she went on giving me the “love yourself” talk and I had to stop her.

Sure, we all need some pep talk every now and then and reminders to love ourselves through our flaws and darkest moments, yadi yada yada. But, that seems to be a big misconception a lot people tend to have about me so I had to write this down to set the record straight(and also, maybe, possibly, make sure I remember what’s true). Sure, I’m definitely all about self-depreciating jokes and I don’t radiate confidence like my ego was the fucking sun, but I do love me.

I am not going to lie, I have insecurities, doubts and on some days I really can beat myself up about a tiny detail on my body/mind. Of course! We all do. But I still love myself. Then again, to keep in the same line of my previous post, my way of loving me might not earn one too many ticks on your own “check-list of self-love”. But believe me, if there’s someone that loves me, it’s me. I know myself like no one else and my darkness, and all those ugly corners, I know them, I accept them and I wouldn’t trade them.

Love is not an acquired skill or a prized possession or whatever you wanna make it. It’s a work in progress, a continuous lesson. You keep learning and it keeps growing and changing shape and moving and burning… And you have to take care of it just like a garden filled with stuff(to be very unoriginal). But it’s something you work on and something that works within you also. You care for it and it cares for you.

Also, I was telling her how overly dramatic my little self has been reacting to minor inconveniences in the past few months. Like, a tiny thing would happen (maybe just in my mind), and I’d go “Alright so… You can’t count on anyone at all. I better just focus on my work and build myself a career or something. That won’t let me down.” And I was just laughing about it. Like today, nothing at all happened; I just misinterpreted a thing and then my brain turned it instantly into a full-blown drama and I picked my guitar up and I could hear those words in my head. I had to stop and laugh it out. Because it is super silly.

One thing, though, that I have to save from this funny newly added feature in my tragedy-orientated mind, is “you can only count on yourself”. Which might be an overstatement, but I think the core of it is true. No matter how many love you, how many you can trust and turn to, at the end of the day, you’re always the one that’s here, all the time, and the only one that can always be there. And that’s a relationship you definitely have to look out for and make sure it is healthy, non-toxic, balanced and just.

Compassion, empathy, love, little attentions, etc; all of these are actually pretty easy to give, give, give away to all you love. But it’s sometimes harder to give it to yourself. We tend to be harder on ourselves than we are with others and I’m like, why? I know I do it too! I’m all about love and forgiveness for all. Accept all their flaws and understand them, be patient and caring. But I’m the first one brandishing a belt ready to beat my own self up over any tiny detail. If I think everyone is deserving of love and forgiveness and should be treated with kindness always, then why should that be any different for me? Let’s not go there today, though haha

And I know I’m not perfect. And I know that sometimes I fail at loving and caring for myself when faced with frustration and broken expectations. And I know I break my heart a lot and don’t always do what I want me to do. But at the end of the day, I still love me and I know I can count on me.

I’ve been acknowledging the fire in me a lot more lately, especially ever since I let go of all the toxicity (relationships and environment) in my life. I’ve gotten over a lot of things and struggled, survived and am still working through it. I have been faced with a small portion of my own strength and now know for sure that I am capable of much much more! I have trust in me and in my potential.

I’m enjoying time on my own more and am becoming more & more okay with the idea of standing alone. I can acknowledge (okay, it’s pretty hard to admit sometimes but I can do it) my beauty, both inside and out. And I don’t take my flaws as flaws although I can recognize those that definitely need to be worked on. My anxiety had managed to convince me last year that I definitely wasn’t anything at all on my own. But I’ve proved that b*tch(and the other ones too) super wrong, haven’t I?

We all need people. People to love us and support us. I do. I need that. A lot. But it’s important to remember that you are your own person also and you definitely are still valid and awesome without these people. It’s important to be able to exist without them and rely on yourself. You gotta make sure that you are here. Be okay with having to hold your own hand through dark times and carry your own tired body on your back to get through those long dull alleys of life. Make sure that when all else fails, you’ll still be there.

You’re the foundations of this big house, your whole universe revolves around you. People don’t make you you, you do. People don’t make your strength, your worth; you are strong and valuable on your own. Love can add on to the strength and make things look more meaningful. But I promise you, you are already so much more on your own! Trust in that. Skies get dark and nights get long, but there is comfort to be found in your own warmth on those lonely winter nights.

I know sometimes the idea of having only your own hand to hold through a hard day is not exactly a very comforting thought. But that is the beginning of it all. Once you realize that you are here and you are someone to fall back on, you’ll get a better grasp of the words “you’re not alone”. You might have friends, you might have family, you might have pets, you might have hobbies or weird fetishes or whatever floats your boat. But you also have you, and that, lads, is actually such a stupid beautiful thing.

I’ll just end this here. I love me and am happy to know that I’m someone to fall back on. I apologize to my hands for looking down on them sometimes when I’m drowning in myself and they’re the only ones I can reach. I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the fire in me and the neverending strength the Earth keeps on feeding me. And I am also thankful for all the outside love that I receive through my friends and family and the whole Universe, because that is also an important piece of the puzzle!

Until next post, just, send yourself some flowers or something. You’re beautiful and you deserve all the love. ❤

Let the fool love.

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Last Friday, I finally finished making my Christmas presents for this year. And it was about time because I was going crazy with the accumulated (self-imposed) pressure and the lack of actual fun.

Don’t get me wrong, painting is fun and I love it. And I did have fun making my presents. But I made five paintings in under three days. Never touched my guitar. Then went on spending my little free time of the week working on another one. (I’m not complaining at all, just laying out the facts so I can make my point.) I got very little sleep and ingested too much coffee. I did get a few breaks being with the kids the afternoons and spending my Sunday afternoon and evening with Esther making some cool memories! But it was so much work in such short time and I barely allowed myself any actual breaks… It was always on my mind anyways. I couldn’t think of something else since it was set in my brain as top priority. In the end, it squeezed a lot of life out of me although it was still fun to do.

Sure, Xmas isn’t a surprise and I should have gotten down to it wayyyy earlier than I did. And nobody forced me. Nobody but me. Except, it was not forced. Don’t put it like that please. I did put a lot of pressure on myself and forced myself to keep working at it even when I got really tired. But it was never a forced thing. More like an impulse, something I couldn’t help. My love bursting to get out on time for the occasion. I definitely should have been more prepared which would’ve avoided me a lot of unnecessary strain and pressure. But it was not forced. Just brutally natural.

I know I should have started working on them long ago so they wouldn’t have been rushed and messed up a bit(you’ll see what I’m talking about if you click here). But I’ve been very busy ever since I started as an au pair and managing my time and tasks hasn’t been super easy. Realizing that I was running out of time to make a thousand personalized paintings for each special love of my heart before the big day should’ve been enough to trigger the Reason in my brain and make me turn to a wiser choice (like an album photo like my host mom suggested or just buy a simple thing, a card, flowers, a thing), wouldn’t you think? But… The what you said? Reason? Meh. I actually honestly considered it for a bit because I was thinking how hard it would be to get everything done for everyone on time. But I can’t give up on shit. I just fucking can’t give anything up.

And so I sat down with five pages in my sketchbook ready to become ugly drafts of what would later become the love infused (maybe “stuffed” is a wiser word to use here) Christmas paintings and ascended down a slippery path coated with coffee-gone-cold and affection-turning-chore. I know I make it sound super dramatic but it was pretty intense. It’s easy to lose your way sometimes in the midst of brush&rush. I was so stressed out… My little outing with Esther helped release the tension a bit but it was not enough obviously. I was drowning in it.

Buying presents is rarely a thing I do. First of all because this girl has no money. And secondly because I never really find anything that matches my idea of what the person should receive from me that would both materialize our relationship and also bring a little something more into their life. On the rare occasions I will find a thing that will be perfect. Usually has to do with inside jokes tbh. But more often than not, it’ll be a battle lost.

When I make something, I’m sure it’ll have enough pieces of me in there for the person to feel obliged to like it. Just kidding. Ha! I think it just feels more special when it’s been made by you for the person you love. There’s a different warmth to it. And I think that’s important. Especially when I’m sending gifts to my family more than ten thousands kilometers away from me. It needs that warmth and those little sparks that feel like me in it so they can feel it and receive my love with an approximately 96% accurate translation. Handmade feels better to me.

And although I’m “super hard on myself” when it comes to what I make, if you make me something, it doesn’t matter how clumsy it is, how small or how rickety it looks to you, I will love it for what it is, your best effort and a condensation of your love translated through your stupid hands.

Let’s talk about that “too hard on yourself” bullshit now. Which is actually the main reason I started writing this post.

During my relentless rush to bringing my love to life on five canvases before Christmas, I got a few comments on the way I was doing the thing. I should take a break, shouldn’t put so much pressure on myself or simply should stop if it is so stressful. And it’s not the first time I hear it. And, no different than usual, I don’t wanna hear it!

I try my best to remain calm and polite when given those comments because usually, they come from people whom I love and are just trying to look out for me. I know they mean no harm and they’re just trying to save me from the hands of my over-demanding self and her too-high-for-this-life standards. But here’s the thing lads, you’re not helping and you’re wrong.

No, I should not take a break because you feel I’m too tired to work. No, I should not simply give up on my making presents for my family because that’s putting too much on my shoulders. No, I will not slow down because it’s my fourth coffee and it’s a beautiful day to go out and sniff out some flowers or whatever. No, I will not do things differently because it doesn’t match your vision of life and work and love and whatnot. No, I do not have to lower my standards or do anything just because you think I should.

My ways might not be perfect. They might even seem crazy compared to your ideas of what should be and how it should be. But they’re my ways and I don’t think I should have to change them so they fit yours. It doesn’t have to feel right, normal, okay, to you, for it to actually be it. Now, I know most of you are just doing what you think you should be doing, looking out for me or whatever. But, just don’t force your ideas onto people like that. Because it is kinda rude and mostly annoying, especially when I’m in the middle of losing my mind over all that makes me and that I’m making. I could snap, I swear. There’s a fine line between a caring advice and an invasive unsolicited opinion. Just shush, please.

One thing I feel can’t be dissociated with a life filled with love are sacrifices. Whether they be about the tiniest little things like sharing the last cookie in the jar or much bigger ones, they’re part of the deal. There’s a part of selfishness in love but there’s also a part of selflessness in there, and hopefully, a bigger one. I do sacrifice a lot, which I usually realize later because it doesn’t matter when I give it. I give it all. It’s free. Take it. I love you, I give, take all you can, I keep giving on.

Making these paintings took hours from me; hours that could’ve been spent sleeping, playing the guitar, eating chocolate, going for walks, etc. It took precious time but I wouldn’t want it back. I had to give it all I could in such short time, especially since it was for my family so far away from me, whom I might not see before long… I had to compress as much love as I could between the layers of paint, infuse it with parts of me so that they feel my love once they get it. But even to my Irish family and friends that I have barely met I gave my precious time to leave my heart’s footprints in a last minute handmade gift. I just do it like that.

I’m not saying that those that do it differently love less or badly, not at all, just differently. That is my way of loving and I know it’s not the universal way to love, I’ve been around long enough to know now that everybody has their own scales and standards. And things hardly ever mean the same to anyone, even when they do. We might both feel intensely about something, but even then, the intensity might vary because we are different even in being the same.  I’m not saying you’re doing it wrong because you’re not doing it like me. We’re not the same, I accept that; I accept the fact that our truths are not the same although we’re all believers. So stop telling me I’m doing it wrong. Stop telling me my love is too crazy because there’s no such thing. Let my fire burn bright and focus on yours!

For me love is all about that. Dedication. Sharing. Caring. Selfless when you can but still charged with your pieces. You gotta be invested. You can’t love part time. You can’t love half-price. All or nothing. ❤

2017 Christmas paintings!

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Just as it happened last year, this year’s Christmas presents were… uhm… rushed for a little bit? And almost lead to a mental breakdown and coffee overdose. Good times. All in the name of love! Ha ha

No charcoal this time. All acrylics. On small canvas. Don’t remember the dimensions but pretty tiny squares and then a bigger one for my Irish family.

So, I made a portrait of my little nephew for my sister. And then painted two pictures from this year’s New Year’s celebrations for my mom and brother (on which they look nothing like themselves). And finally, I made a portable peaceful shelter for my best friend so she can always have a place to turn to when stressed out/depressed/in need for more dreams and less life.

My mom is a beautiful woman and my brother is a pretty silly boy so I felt terrible while painting these because their faces were so distorted. But it was made with so much love and they loved it in the end so that’s what matters. And my bf just received hers as I write this and she told me she shed a few tears. Soo… Mission accomplished! Not perfect work but intense love for sure!

Then, for my Irish family, I painted that one picture of us that we took on the night of the Late Late Toy Show on December 1st. Which is the only picture of all of us together we had at the time I started it. I wanted to make the smiley faces at first but I must admit that when I laid it down at first, I decided to go for the actual faces… However, since I was exhausted and running out of time, I ended up covering them up with the bright yellow smiley faces in the end.

My host parents loved it so much and it makes me SUPER DUPER happy! The real big gift was being with them this whole blessed season of Christmas. A home away from home. I have so much love and admiration for them.

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Although I am not a 100% satisfied with the end results, I am delighted that my love got through and that they all appreciated the fruit of my hard work. And that is what truly matters in the end, to hell with perfection!

That was a lot of hard work in such short time. I’m glad I didn’t actually lose my mind to it! And it was actually a very condensed practice for my drawing and painting skills also which will, I sure do hope so, prove to have been very efficient in the future. I don’t know when I’ll try to paint again because that was a lot at once and I might need a looooong break before the intensity and bittersweet aftertaste fade out in the echoes of their thank yous and smiles.

Also, I’d just like to let you know that trying out new techniques, new things, straight onto a project that is important and to be finished fast is not really a super wise idea. But if the pressure gets you off, who am I to judge? 😉 I had never used a palette knife before doing my nephew’s portrait and I have zero experience painting people, but I jumped right in. Sometimes leaving yourself no choice is the best way to take a leap and learn to fly??

Until next time, keep the love flowing! ❤

Dreaming as a Curse…

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IMG_20171223_223943.jpgIt doesn’t take much. Just a spark and I can light up a whole universe. It doesn’t take much at all. Just a glimpse, just a sound, just a second.

I guess I am part of those “lucky ones”, those that dream and dream big, that believe on and on; creatures of hope & fantasies. But there’s no such things as luck.

I dream fast. I dream big. I dream tiny; but always intensely. I dream Life; I dream Death. I dream Love; I dream Pain. I dream all… I dream nothing… It doesn’t take much. My heart falls for the idea and my whole body follows. And I can’t help it. I can’t fight it.

Sometimes, Reality comes along and shatters the foolish ones. But I pick them back up. I can’t let go. I can’t give up. I don’t know how to. Even when I do give up, Im not.

My dreams don’t die. And sometimes I wish they would. I can’t stop. But I wish I could. Because it hurts; dreams hurt. When Reality comes along, it hurts. It’s not so bad but dreams have poisoned my all and I’m not sure Reality wants to be friends with me anymore. She’s not the enemy. (They are?)

Dreaming is good. It fuels you. It’s called “goals“. It comforts you from bad or nonexisting experiences. It’s called “fantasies“. Dreaming is human. It’s called ” breathing from the heart”, maybe the soul’s whispers.

“Don’t stop dreaming.”, they say.

“Hold on to your dreams!”, they said.

“Keep believing.”, they said.

“Not that kind of dreams…”, I said.

“Dreaming is good.”, they said.

“Don’t give up.”

“Never let go.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a dream.”

“It’s just a fantasy, it won’t hurt anyone.”

But it will… It does.

It hurts me. All types of dreams. Especially that one and those similar to it…

Reality isn’t letting me down; I am. I am letting her down.

Dreaming is good. But it’s not free. It takes my blood and tears, my muscles, my strength. It takes a toll. It wears me out. My soul…

It doesn’t take much. Just a spark and I’m set ablaze, to be consumed by the neverending fire of cursed fantasies. I wish I could stop them. It hurts.

Dreamers are blessed, they say. Blessed with a curse, I think. But it’s all I have…


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A page from my super cool notebook that my host mom gave me and on which I stuck a picture of the ocean(because sometimes all black is not okay). I’ve barely started using it now, simply to lay down some dramatic thoughts about life.

I know exactly what this one is about but it is one of those things that I must censor so I can’t let you in on it. My friends know… It is ridiculous but pretty intense. As all is. Can’t believe it was two weeks go I wrote that already! Time flies!!

I might or might not share more of it. I don’t know. Part of me thinks that she could keep things to herself but then I remember I just can’t live without sharing everything I possibly can. Haha

There’s gonna be a little wave of posts coming up in the next couple of days since I completely failed at scheduling this month. So, until next post, water your dreams and let ’em grow. ❤