Video

Another cover (shitty, yes, don’t worry! ;) )


Literally losing my mind over here with no guitar and such a hard time dealing with my demons and my personal little hell. Did drew a bit today, and might even be able to finish a painting before next month!! And I thought, hey, let’s try to sing a bit. It doesn’t have to be perfect, at least I’m not letting my voice gather dust like I did for a few months after I moved in this silly place. I actually feel a little less pressure to sing so that’s cool, but it’s still there and I block if I try to go too loud or you know… Ugh. But yeah, keeping it alive!

Cheers! ❤

Video

A shitty cover of CTE’s Millennia


My little brother said it wasn’t perfect but it didn’t suck either and that it was okay so I could post it. So there it is. Full of mistakes, I know, and as always the video/audio quality is so shit it’s sad but I had fun and I kinda like it!

I love this song. I will do it more justice in another video another day. I can do better. And I will.

Until next post, don’t forget to warm up before doing anything at all not to hurt your precious little bodies! ❤

Two covers!


I haven’t be up to much these past few weeks. Been feeling pretty down. I still tried to push through but it was hard! Still, I managed to work a lot on the next chapter of Uncage the Night, and look, today I got to record two crappy half-assed shit-quality covers!! So I guess that’s something to be happy about! Just kidding! I am really happy about it. I’m happy that I got to sing again after such a long while of dark silence in this room! I still wasn’t free of the pressure of the neighbors and what if I’d bother them, but I still let go a tiny little bit. It felt really great and I hope that even if the quality is overall pretty poop, that you’ll enjoy it too! 🙂

This is such a  beautiful song. And it’s funny how, even though I’ve kept on listening to it as I grew up, I find myself needing it just as hard as I did a few years back when the storm got me real down. And so I’ve been listening to it a lot more these past few days and it feels really good. Soooo wish I could learn it on guitar… </3

And this one is one of my favorite LIGHTS song! I mean the whole album Siberia (the acoustic one) just captured my everything. She has an amazing voice and often in the electro-music that she writes, part of that magic dies BUT there’s also another force that emerges there and I’ve learnt to love both her acoustic and electric works. They all have that special thing and well, this is one of my favorite song from this album. The lyrics will explain…

Alright, short post. Not that there’s much more to add anyways. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything music-related on here and boy, does that show how well my life has been going! haha

It felt really great to la la la a bit even if I still had that mental-block that refrains me from giving too much into the music, afraid I’d bother one of my neighbors could really possibly be working any time of the day. And well, it’s always hear, the little mental wall. Sometimes I feel I’m free and I start going for them notes, opening that mouth and just… Swallowing it all back down as the wall punches my forehead. Anyways, it was fun and felt really great considering the week I had. I’m also very tired so I didn’t have as much fun as I could’ve had but hey.

Anyways. Short post. It’s 7AM, I’m gonna see if I can sleep a bit now. I’m a complete trainwreck. ❤

Color Me Undead: a poem and a drawing


COLOR ME UNDEAD

Sunshine is a false friend.

The weather never stays the same inside this hurricane:

Sky’s grey, then blue, then white;

There’s sun and then it rains.

I just never know when it’s safe to rest.

I gotta keep on the move

Always, even when I lose my groove.

Paint me, pain,

For I am a canvas

And I’ve been blank for too long now.

The ground isn’t very stable.

I keep falling in these muddy puddles.

They take away my colors; leave me numb.

Mean cycle; recycle…

Mom, rock me back to my cradle.

Sunshine is a false friend,

The storm it never ends!

Paint me, pain.

Paint me again,

Over and over again.

Give me a face.

Give me hard times.

And, please, leave a trace.

Weather forecast calls for the peeling of my soul.

Layer by layer I melt away

Under the merciless waves

Of this self-perpetuated hell.

Acid rains devour my core.

I barely bleed as I lose my skin.

Colorless; colorblind; who am I?

Paint me, pain.

Help me be again.

Show me I’m alive,

Not living in vain!

Show me who I am!

Show me that I can

Be more than a stain…

There’s still blood in these veins

And strength in these legs.

And next time,

When it rains,

Come back faster to me, friend,

And paint me sane & chained!

Color me undead;

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The drawing was fueled by Halfnoise’s EP The Velvet Face and Paramore’s latest song(which I’m so asdfghjkl about). So I was really feeling that colorful but mournful vibe. Which was already pretty strong with my post Pain is a color and I’m a rainbowAnd the first draft of the poem was fueled by the drawing. And then the real thing was fueled by the storm and insomnia and also eating a green apple past midnight.

It’s 4AM, I’ll try to catch some Zs now. There’s so much I need to say; I’ll try to write a post and let it out, maybe this week, maybe later, I don’t even know anymore.

Until next post, don’t eat apples after midnight and get some sleep ❤

The Day I Forgot My Book (aka “yesterday”)


I have this book. It’s always with me, in my bag, no matter where I go. I’ve had it for a few months now but never actually started reading until a few weeks ago! And I still go very slowly about it. I’m barely four stories in. It is a book that I have always wanted to read, so you’d have expected me to devour it as soon as I’d lay my hands on it (like I did Red Dragon), but I didn’t. I barely touch it and when I do, I only take the smallest, slowest sips. But it is always with me.

In my bag. On my desk. On the chair covered in clothes near my bed. In my hands. Between my teeth. On the shelf. On the floor. I always have it around even though I’m usually not reading it. It’s just here. Like I need it to be.

Usually, when I pick it up and actually read a few words is when I’m outside waiting for something, sitting somewhere, and probably panicking inside and trying to keep it together. Or just trying to make time fly faster! (But I’m trying to bring back the habit of reading before bedtime, because it’s a healthy habit and it feels very good also!) And that’s about it. I’ve had it for over seven months now!

I never realized how important this book was to me until Monday afternoon when my “doctor” called me and told me it seemed I had forgotten my book on his desk. I had forgotten my book. I left my book on his desk. I forgot my book…

I was suddenly assaulted by a wave of “HOW?”s and got very anxious. How could I have forgotten it? I always check behind me when I leave somewhere to make sure I didn’t forget anything. But…

I remember putting on the desk when I arrived. And, then… I didn’t pick it back up when I left. I took my jacket and back on the chair and I just left. I didn’t look back to make sure I had everything with me. I just walked out the door and left. But, how?? Right? Well, I was already having a hard time getting through that day, I was exhausted and the talk we had just left me slightly weakened I guess. So I forgot.

I forgot my book! The worst part is that I didn’t even realize it! I was so caught up in thoughts and blurriness. And then I was thinking about my painting and… Never once did I realize that something was missing until that phone call. But once I did, I just collapsed. I didn’t know it before, but this book actually contributes greatly to my well being by just being around. And without it, my room seemed emptier and I just felt lost and terribly anxious.

When was I going to have enough courage to go back there and get it back? Was I going to wait until my next appointment in 600 years? How was I supposed to live in that room devoid of guitar and now missing that tiny little bundle of dead trees and ink? I was terribly sad. Sadder than this day had already made me.

And well, I sat down and let it sink in. And I realized.

This book was my thing to look forward to, in a way. I had all these stories which I yearned to read with me, all the time, and the possibility to read any at any time. I knew that I could always turn to my book if I ever felt anxious in the bus, alone in my room, or just feeling like everything outside and inside of me was assaulting me. I hold all these stories greatly to my heart even though I have never read most of them because I don’t doubt their perfection, and I could just pick one and drown in it anytime I’d feel like it. It was always there and that felt good knowing it.

Also, I guess, always having it around had some sense of familiarity to it. I was used to seeing it, touching it, feeling its weight in my backpack. And that’s very important to me. Things that are constant, that don’t change, that are always with me. They keep me grounded and make me feel safe and not like a blurry bubble of darkness floating away.

And there’s that ritual of always putting it in my backpack, then taking it back out once I’m home and putting it on my desk and eventually moving it on my bed. (But never reading it! haha) That’s also important. It gives me the tiniest sense of purpose and like I’m in control.

All in all, it was an anxiety reliever and a best friend. And having it snatched from my shaky hands made it clear how it was a vital part of my days and contributed greatly to my getting through the waves. Well, I forgot it, so it was all my fault. Nobody snatched it from me. My carelessness did… I still can’t believe it that I just forgot about it like that. I took it for granted that’s what I did.

Anyways, worry not! Today, with the great help of my best friend who stayed on the phone with me all afternoon, I went and got my baby back. The doctor had left it in an envelop with the lady at the front desk and I honestly thought that having it back would involve more conversation but it didn’t. Phew! I was so happy to have it in my hands again. Ripped the silly envelop off and threw it away (in a TRASH CAN!, of course, because I care about Mother Earth ❤ ) and there it was…

Back in my hands again, my long lost friend.

I had a horrible night last night. I worried about what I could do before sleeping now that the book I never read wasn’t here for me to read anymore? Nothing felt right. Then, I had the weirdest dreams because I’m so tired lately and mostly dream about food, conversations I am going to have the next day, taking out the trash, the a7x concert, or just doing the dishes. Life without this book is unbearable.

As soon as I got back home, I did what one does when being reunited with such a good friend after sooooooo long and I took a thousand pictures with my laptop. I had a photoshoot with my book to celebrate our reunion. I love it so much! 😀

Quite an adventure, huh?! Got my book back and, luckily, it hasn’t lost any of its comforting powers and the safety waves are still a-flowin’! Now, I can go outside again and not feel so naked. 😛

This books provides solid ground to stand on when my vision blurs and I start to quake. I need it around, just to look at it and acknowledge it as a fixed point that keeps me chained to reality.

And I also love knowing that this compact little thing holds so many worlds inside of it, each filled with different shades of gloom and strange characters, and knowing that I can just dive in, no matter where I am, to escape whatever it is I’m running from. The stories are really great, so well-written and I just love everything about this book (and more). 100% would recommend to anyone that hasn’t read it or just remind those that have to maybe go back and re-read it because it’s such a piece of art!

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Reunited at last… ❤

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Latest drawings


I’ve been posting them mostly on instagram lately mostly, so here are the three last drawings I did this month. The pics’ quality is as usual pretty lame but you can still get a good idea of the thing on the paper! 😉

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The last one I finished just now. There’s this quote from my post “Pain is a color and I’m a rainbow. Darkness isn’t necessarily black.” which popped in my mind as soon as I picked up my crayons and inspired me to draw this self-portrait.

I still haven’t managed to finish my first draft of Chapter VII of Uncage and man, I’m so tired! I really want it to be over and done. I need to finish that story! It’s just so hard to squeeze it out. I need to try a little harder!

Anyways. That’s it for today. I’m not feeling so good, pretty tired. Tomorrow I gotta be somewhere and it’s making me anxious. I’ll surely write about it when I get back. If I survive, I mean! 😛

Until then, just keep those vitamins coming and drink lots of water! ❤