The Fool, acrylics on canvas, 05.25.18

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Still listening to City of Stars on repeat. Painted this last night. I was still trying to practice some floral moves for my mom’s birthday present, but I lost all control. The song drove me there. I love my story behind this painting, but I won’t share it out loud, just so you have all the room for your own interpretation! 😉

I’m not as proud of it as of my last painting(click here if you haven’t seen it yet), but like I literally just said, I love what it tells and it’s pretty colorful which feels good to look at. And yet, there’s still a little bittersweetness that linger in the back of my mouth when I look at it.

Until next post, keep dreaming through the storms! ❤

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Untitled acrylic painting, 05.21.18

Gallery

Needed some practice before I start working on my mom’s and brother’s birthday presents. I haven’t painted anything since E’s b-day present!! So, I’m a little rusty and I want my family’s paintings to be as good as it gets!

So, I painted this, on a piece of cardboard:

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I originally intended it to be orientated “upside down” so that it would look like the blue flowers shed their leaves into the fire. But after thought, I realized it would be perfect the other way around! Anyways, here’s some details:

I am so proud of it, honestly! It came out a little messy since I didn’t plan anything, and so my layering was a little “nonsense”, as Emily&Adam like to put it. But the colors are so vibrant and the story it tells is subtle enough that it doesn’t refrain you from enjoying the vibrant colors!!

Yay 😀

Dry Mouth (Original Song)

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Here’s a song I wrote a couple of weeks ago about not being able to write songs:

My voice had some trouble coming out (you should have heard me warming up… a disaster! hehe) and my fingers had forgotten how to dance, but in my opinion, this is still pretty decent. Especially with the huge lack of practice + unhealthy amount of caffeine in my body!

I will be recording a better video next week, but for now that’ll be it! I’ve just been dying to share it, and after those long four days of break, I was bursting to share it.

The ending still needs some work. Which, of course, you can’t really tell since I mess it up in this video, haha! But overall, I think this is a really good song. I love the melody and how the chorus picks up.

I think it accurately describes my frustration and this longing… I just want to create but, sometimes it just won’t happen, and it kills me because this is how I breathe. And like I have mentioned, I do have loads of song ideas, drafts and things to say; but it won’t come out.

And I think it is funny how this song literally dropped out of my mouth while I was crying about not being able to finish the others. It’s almost the exact same story as when I wrote Dead Pen a couple of years back!

Round in circles…

Anyways, I don’t have time to chat right now! I must work on my Italian now and then finish working on special presents for E!

Here are the words that did come out:

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say
It’s just that my words have left me
It’s not that my heart isn’t broken
It’s just that my mouth is dry

I’ve been waiting for so long
For the words to fall right out
But my guts refuse to bleed
So I’ll just have to wait here

I hear my voice but I don’t know who she is
I write down words but they mean nothing to me
I stab my own heart but the blood it won’t come out
It’s just like my soul is dry

I’ve been waiting for so long
For my hands to dance freely
My fingers refuse to bleed
So I’ll just have to wait…

I’ll wait forever if I have to
It’s nothing without me, I’m nothing without this
I’ll wait…
I just don’t wanna fade..

I’ve been waiting for so long
For my voice to burst right out
But my heart it just won’t show
So I’ll just have to wait.

Uncage the Night, Chapter XII (the end)

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Previous chapter: here

First chapter: here

This is the end of the story. Last words from Leslie, as, she too, moves onto a different book.


I don’t know where I am… I’m scared. I don’t think I am real anymore.
I remember…
I’m sorry, mom.
I’m sorry, dad.
Mitch… What are they going to do to you?
I remember everything.
I wanted out so much that I fooled myself into believing that I was actually alright. Despite all the signs of every demons in my head still being here. The depression; the anxiety; the insecurities; the addictions; everything was still here. But I looked away.
Twisted mind twisted so much it squeezed them out…
I was weak and broken, it must have been so easy for them…
The darkness…
How long had they been lurking in the shadows of my cracked mind?
The darkness I had always feared sat inside of me since the beginning, silently waiting to fall.
And whatever entity I had absorbed was attracted and fueled by it.
It ate my nightmares; it freed me.
It ate my body; it used me…
I could hear them inside my head. Whispering, shouting, crying… They said things I would never dare repeat. But I can promise you that, no matter how evil, there was still light in these entities. The faintest of light; but still.
They were in pain. And lonely. Just like me. Maybe that’s why they picked me, because they understood… At least, that’s what I’d like to believe. But, they probably just picked the most convenient vessel to get in. I was there, wide open and too feeble to fight back; all theirs to take.
I could hear everyone else also.
At first I could only feel what they felt and their intentions. But gradually, it went deeper. Deeper into their thoughts, even the ones hiding in dark corners, and deeper into their bodies. I could hear heartbeats, feel body temperature and hear every swallow, every blink and every joints clicking. I could even predict what they would do, say or think next.
I could hear the blood running through their veins and every rumble of their hearts, like ticking clocks. When they were scared– the more scared they were, it sounded like music… It reminded me of a melody that I knew so well…
The river… It was like the river was calling out my name.
Those horrible things that they were doing– things that I was doing. I let them. I permitted it. They used me, but it wasn’t without consent. Part of me said “yes”, straight away, even when I was still resisting their influence.
A war that had already been lost…
They fed on my disorders, my fears, my tears but also on my every single smile. They greedily stuffed themselves. And as they grew — quickly– they opened doors inside and they nested in uncharted territories.
The blood. The screams. The surreal paintings. Those colors… Those sounds…
I was terrified. But I got a taste for it eventually. I kind of wanted more.
They ended up using my own dark thoughts as a fuel for their darkness. I didn’t mean them. Not all of them. Not all the time. Sometimes, I’m even sure that I wasn’t the one thinking them. It was probably them. I mean… All the hate and those dirty images…
They melted into me. Intertwined for the eternity that this weekend lasted. It made it hard to tell if it was me enjoying the horror or them. Both?
They used my own rare light to fuel their darkness. They drained every bit of me, yet somehow, I had never felt less empty.
It was so much pain at first. But eventually, I grew into it. Or, they grew into me. I was their home and they were… Me. It didn’t feel right but they showed me so much more of what this reality has to offer. I saw things, heard things that I would’ve never witnessed had I carried on living.
Death was a slow bumpy ride. There was pain, but lots of joy.Too bad I’ll never get to write a song about it. Ha ha!
I’m glad it’s over. For me at least…
I feel sorry for everyone else left out there. I wish it would never find them. But I know it will. I saw it through their eyes. The future…
I feel sorry for my family and friends…
Will they remember me?..
Who… Who is there left to remember me?
They are all dead. All I loved. All that loved me.
Everything that I took for granted. Everything that didn’t even belong to me in the first place. Everything is lost. Out of my reach.
What a tragic ending. I didn’t even get to say goodbye…

The river is calling me again. I can feel my soul resonate to the sound of Her song.
There has to be something bigger waiting for me out there. I’ve always been wandering through life like a lost soul, doomed to roam. I feel like I have finally found the place to go, a place to heal.
I know it is not the river that I used to go to with mom and dad. But it’s calling out to me. And it promises warmth, peace and music, family and even Pixie…
I just hope it’s not yet another lie.


874 words…

Here we are now, the end; which, for both, Leslie and us, only leads to a new beginning.

I hope you enjoyed the story. If you have any questions, feel free to leave them down in the comments or message me. Anyway you’d like. I will be writing one last post to summarize the story and my journey of writing it soon, and I will also answer questions there!

Tell me what you thought, I’d love to hear from you! 😉

As for me, I’m glad this finally comes to an end, although I will definitely miss the characters.. But, oh well, they’re all dead anyways!! Ha ha ha ah ha aha hahahahfzohzohuisjhxqgkzdlcqgjgkj

Watch out for that next & last Uncage post that will bring closure to this long bumpy ride!

Until then, keep reading! ❤

Uncage the Night, Chapter XI

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First chapter: here

Previous chapter: here


It was 11:30 in the night. Everyone was asleep; all but one.
Leslie was roaming the house. She had been for the past hour and a half, rummaging through cupboards, drawers and moving furniture around as if she was looking for something. Nicolas came to her, moments before, angrily begging for a peaceful night. But all she did was groan at him. Admitting defeat, he went back to bed, back to his wife, and they resigned themselves to sleeping with earplugs.
She kept pacing up and down until something stopped her in her tracks. Leslie stood still, two feet away from the fireplace, on top of which was a golden picture frame. It was a family portrait; a fresh memory.

Continue reading

The Fighter in Me

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I’ve been a waste of space lately. Let’s be honest; this isn’t an overstatement. A piece of shit. My demons have gotten me really down and I’ve been a lazy leech just feeding on nothingness.

I got down and I stayed down, figured “hey, I’ll just bury my head in the ground for a few decades, no big deal” because I just couldn’t take this life so I just tried my best to ignore the fact that I exist. I was having an existential crisis and I just couldn’t be bothered to actually deal with it or with any of the storm’s bullshit so I just looked away.

However, yesterday (which is now two days ago) as I got out of the bus (I took the wrong one) and walked (while texting my anxiety away, narrating my stupidity to my bff) in a haste (I was late) to my therapist’s office (what a pretty messy morning, I swear), I heard a tiny *click* coming from the back of my head. As I raised my eyebrows and my eyes grew to be the size of the moon, I realized something.

Somehow all this early morning anxiety and lack of sleep had managed to trigger the right switch and unlocked a tiny little door from which came a revelation. I didn’t have much time to actually even begin to touch it with the tip of a finger that day because I was so tired. When I got back home, just slipped on my good ol’ depressed pants and trustworthy “what’s the point” shirt and faded to black once more.

But today; I mean, yesterday (what is time, I ask, what is TIME), I was getting really excited about going outside to explore a nearby place which I pass by when I take (the right) bus to see my therapist (who’s actually a nurse??). So, as I waited for the sun to just stop being so sunny so I could step out and do the adventure thing without burning to my death, I actually had time to let the revelation sink in. And just as I was ready to walk out the door, I had to jump on a piece of paper and pen to scribble all the words that just rained on me as it suddenly hit me and I saw it.

I saw the fighter in me.

I’ve been hiding, running away and just bathing in denial, forcing myself to ignore pretty much all that there is to life. I had completely given up on trying and was looking very seriously into giving up on everything and settling for a life into the nothingness. And yet, even as I, on the surface, was giving up, it was here in me and still doing its job. The fighter in me, that part that just doesn’t know how to give up and always fights for my life, even when I feel that I’ve indeed given up.

When I sat at my desk that morning the day following the *click*, I realized that, even though if not as intensely as I was supposed to, I indeed thought about those things that I was trying so hard not to think about while I was “wasting my days away”.

I was convinced that I had managed to give up for once and that I truly was on my way to that impossible reality where I don’t bother nor believe in dreams, light and a greater use of my time on beautiful Mother Earth. I truly thought that I had manage to kill all the light left inside of me and to be honest, I was actually happy about it. Because, let’s face it, this whole existence and fighting against the current to do things that you love and be a bigger “you” it’s just so exhausting and frustrating; so, managing to give up was actually a relief.

Now I wouldn’t have to worry about energy. I could be tired all the time and it wouldn’t matter because nothing would matter anymore. I could just bathe in darkness all year long and just lie on the floor, wait for the lightning to strike me and put an end to the joke. Nothing mattered. I had succeeded in taking away all of the anxiety triggers, all the problems, all the overthinking, all the horribly demanding efforts to go against the storm to do all those things and also all the good stuff like love and vegetables.

I don’t wanna be a musician, an artist with four arms that do all these different things and doesn’t suck at them. I want to be a mashed potato without seasoning and extra extra extra cheese and a nice side dish of “nope; I don’t life”.

I FUCKING WISHED RIGHT?

Turns out that I was right when I thought that it was truly impossible for me to give up and that time I said that even when I was giving up, I wasn’t. I just didn’t know HOW RIGHT I was.

I tried my best to keep my mind busy and not think about real questions and about me. I managed to satisfy the apathetic monster inside, feed him all the junk it wanted and become it BUT in the mean time, I also managed to keep fighting in the right direction in a way! Of course, it wasn’t a super effective fighting as there was so little of me involved in the war which is why the *click* took so long to happen. But it was still fighting.

I fed the monster and let it invade the foreground so that I could find a place inside where it was calm, oh so calm, and I could actually think of my life without any parasite.

My choice of distraction could have actually given it away that I was truly just finding a less direct and brutal way to face those questions. And it did. But just after the *click*. I realized that the things I was obsessing over in order not to deal with an overwhelming life, decisions to be made and that crazy wish of living life were, deep down, helping me think exactly about what I was running from.

The fighter in me, the part of me, the spark, that will never stop fighting against the coldest winds that assault me or that I will willingly let in to freeze my soul. That part that, even when reduced to such a tiny size and beaten up, can still stand up for me and what I believe in and resurface, always, and shush the monsters back to their dark corners. (For a while at least, just enough time for the soldiers to get back to their positions and protect that fragile soul)

Now, I haven’t completely gotten rid of the filth that I smeared all over my weak flesh prison. But I’ve been feeling that spark and it’s slowly melting the grime away and bringing some heat back in the main circuits. The fighter is swimming back up. Ha ha! And well, now my laughs don’t just sound like a sound that I send to bounce against the walls and fill up the room with some “nothing wrong here” vibes. I feel less dead. And ready to put myself back on track again.

“You live and then you die, what’s the point anyways, right?” That just doesn’t sound like me. Now, I don’t know if it’s depression or any other part of the storm and I don’t care. I know it’s not me. I don’t think this truly. I’m a stupid child and I believe that there’s more to life than slowly dying as oxygen poisons us. I believe in love and in making dreams come true. And I believe in light in the darkest places. And I BELIEVE.

I might be a fatalist to some extent but I’m what I like to think of as an absurdity, a convention of paradoxes. I always find myself at both extremes at the same time. I’m a fatalist but also an optimistic and a pessimistic and a believer and a skeptic son of a blurp. I’m everything and nothing. But I’m not a person that gives up or one that doesn’t see the magic and beauty in life and beyond.

And now that I’ve slapped myself in the face several times and am slowly waking up from a dead man’s sleep, I can see it again. These words that I spoke, thought, while I was this unseasoned mashed potato (Ha ha, I’m sorry x) I’m almost done, bear with me! :-p ) weren’t mine. I don’t know which demon spoke them but they weren’t mine.

The fighter in me is a real part of me. Those demons and the storm are also a part of me but they don’t define me. They are not me. They are what I believe to be essential parts of the weather in me, the rain that rocks me in bed and make rainbows possible. (You need ups and you need downs, light and darkness; there needs to be a balance in things, this isn’t a happy fairyland where all is well.)

They are parasites but I need them and I cling to them. I need them here but they aren’t part of my identity, they are just these little dark monsters that keep this universe running.  But I am not by any means them. I am not the embodiment of my disorders and, as much as they affect my everyday life and constantly torture me, they are not part of my identity. I consider them parts of me in a way, part of my universe but not me.

Anyways. It’s going to take me a few days to truly get back on my feet and get rid of the bullshit I’m covered in. But I’m getting back up and that’s what matters in the end. I think I actually really needed this time on the floor and horribly dark fake happy days! It’s funny I guess in a way haha

So, I think that’s it. I’m glad I finally managed to get all these thoughts out of my head! I started writing this at 1AM today (which explains the confusion with time at the start of it! 😉 ) and now it’s 6PM. No, I wasn’t writing all this time! I slept and I’m still having very slow days. Recovery is a process and honestly, I was really on the floor so it takes some time to get back up and this time longer than what I’m used to. But yeah, I’m finally done getting it out of my chest and I can actually even more internalize the information now. It feels great.

I’ll end this post on a quote from Fran Bow ( a video game I obsessed over during my little “holiday”, let’s call it this from now on!). I don’t remember which character said it but I’m pretty sure it came from the journal that she found somewhere Idk. I think it’s really fitting with this post and well, off I go fixing myself up!

I don’t need to hide from pain anymore because it’s part of me.

Love is everywhere and in everything.

I enjoy crying.

I enjoy laughing.

I enjoy being alive.

Until next post, don’t lose yourself and keep looking for the light. It’s always there. Even the tiniest spark is enough to keep you going. There’s always light, somewhere, look around, in someone, in something, in the sky, anywhere, anyone, anything. And if you don’t see any light, then maybe think about opening your eyes? Maybe you don’t see because you’re not looking at it the right way. Or maybe you are the light and it’s hard to see yourself shining as you stand in the dark.

Keep running. ❤

P.S.: I, of course, still haven’t re-organized my blog and the categories are still pretty messy. But I’ll get to it eventually, don’t worry! And also, the little walk I had in the “park” that I discovered near where I’m staying was truly refreshing. There were so many ducks and I found two cats that let me pet them and aw, man, I felt really good out there! And I’m planning on going there again, maybe making a point of going every Sunday or so. 😀

Positive bullets but in a VIDEO! :D

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So, for my first video on my new channel, I decided to make positive bullets(click here to read the last one, which was only number 3 of the series!) into a video! Here it is:

P.S.: I still have to sort through my blog and you know, reorganize everything! But I guess that now that I have a new youtube channel, I’ll be more motivated and fueled to do it! 😛