Stressed out fire that can’t focus on sh*t

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There’s a fire in my bones, fire in my heart that guides me through the dark.

With one of the kids being off school earlier than usual today, my morning free time was halved. It wasn’t a surprise or anything, in fact, I was already prepared mentally for the struggle of it all. However, I feel like I didn’t make the most out of it… And, although I did do the work I had planned, I was left rather disappointed and frustrated by the end of it.

The truth is that, with the kids’ holidays last week, I hadn’t sung/played the guitar for more than nine days, and it left me rusty. And it’s always a hard pill to swallow when I come back from such a long break to find my voice all flat and powerless. I tried to power through it this morning, though. But I was so out of shape and the energy wasn’t there so it all came out wrong. And even though I did work, I felt like I hadn’t.

I can’t hide that it bothers me oh so very much not to be able to work quite as hard as I’d like lately, especially after this long break where it feels like it’s necessary to grind even harder! But I’m still trying to find comfort in the actions and reassure myself that, although I’m not doing as much as I’d like, I’m still doing something and that’s good. Even just a little bit everyday makes a huge difference in the end!

I’m flying for my official holidays this Friday and I’ve just been really focused on the idea of practicing as much as I can before I leave. I know I will still be able to work on my voice once I’m there, but it won’t be the same, as I won’t have all the theory books and my guitar and all my stuff…

But it’s just been so hard for me these past few weeks to get anything done at all! I blame it on the sun and the heat, which, even in very low doses, can render me pretty much useless. I don’t think it’s just that. There’s probably a lot of stress hiding in the shades also. About traveling a long way on my own, Esther leaving, all that’s to come after, etc.

And, I think that’s gotta be the main thing really that might make my body and mind so restless that they can’t focus on those things they enjoy so much! It’s all that I know will be coming after the holidays, when I come back and start setting the first stones to build this empire of mine. I am scared. I am excited. And I certainly am worried in ways I don’t think I’ve ever been before.

I’ve been trying to get down a rough esquisse of a plan to reassure myself, but so far, it’s proven harder than I thought it would. Because, as much as I’m all about “Fuck plans!”, I know that having kind of the big lines of the start of this big thing written down before my eyes would help me cope better with the idea of dreams becoming reality! And I think I’ll only be able to do that once I am back home, as the distance will give me a better view of the bigger picture!

And anyways, you know me, I’ll keep trying through the frustration and despondency. Even if that means I have to fail everyday. Because there’s nothing else I’d rather do and there’s nothing else worth getting tired & bruised over. I only have three days left, and I will try to fit as much theory and practice as I can into what’s left of free time until then. Tomorrow is theory day so we’ll see how that goes for me!!

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Even if that means I have to fail everyday, I’ll keep trying.

I hope that these three days get to be filled with as much vocal practice and theory (and Italian) as my dream-filled mind can allow in this very blurry moment of my life!

And same for you, reader! I hope that the rest of your week is filled with whatever it is you need/wish it to be. And I wish you to feel very content with the way it went as you take off your shoes on Friday night, ready to enjoy the weekend. I hope you shine really bright and that your days are sprinkled with many lovely little details to make you feel complete. ❤

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Happy birthday, mama!!

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I love this picture!

I love this picture!

My mother is literally one of the most beautiful and bravest women that I have ever met. And today was her 54th birthday.

Years go by and yet she still remains as beautiful. I am so thankful for all that she is and all that she gives. And I just can’t wait to see her again!

I initially came up with three different ideas in my sketchbook of what I could paint for her. But since I couldn’t make up my mind on which to choose, I decided I would simply paint them all and then pick the best out of them. I had enough time on my hands and of course, I could definitely have used more painting practice!

Last night, at around midnight, I finally completed all three paintings. But, with my tired eyes facing my beautiful creations, I still couldn’t pick one. So I figures, since it is my mom’s present, I will let her pick.

And so, this morning, I call her to wish her the most happiest birthday and I present to her the three 20×20 paintings and tell her that she’s free to choose whichever she prefers. And so, my mom finds it hard as well to choose one and therefore decides that she wants all of them!

Haha So that’s the story behind them, now here’s all of them with some details. It is all flower themed and somehow ended up more like an under water theme…

It was really fun to make! And I really enjoyed working on three at once which allowed me to switch freely from one to the other whenever I felt like I needed a break or while one needed to dry before a next step.

She loved all of them and I am proud of them. So, it’s a perfectly executed job!

I just can’t wait to see her again!!! ❤

The Fool, acrylics on canvas, 05.25.18

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Still listening to City of Stars on repeat. Painted this last night. I was still trying to practice some floral moves for my mom’s birthday present, but I lost all control. The song drove me there. I love my story behind this painting, but I won’t share it out loud, just so you have all the room for your own interpretation! 😉

I’m not as proud of it as of my last painting(click here if you haven’t seen it yet), but like I literally just said, I love what it tells and it’s pretty colorful which feels good to look at. And yet, there’s still a little bittersweetness that linger in the back of my mouth when I look at it.

Until next post, keep dreaming through the storms! ❤

Untitled acrylic painting, 05.21.18

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Needed some practice before I start working on my mom’s and brother’s birthday presents. I haven’t painted anything since E’s b-day present!! So, I’m a little rusty and I want my family’s paintings to be as good as it gets!

So, I painted this, on a piece of cardboard:

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I originally intended it to be orientated “upside down” so that it would look like the blue flowers shed their leaves into the fire. But after thought, I realized it would be perfect the other way around! Anyways, here’s some details:

I am so proud of it, honestly! It came out a little messy since I didn’t plan anything, and so my layering was a little “nonsense”, as Emily&Adam like to put it. But the colors are so vibrant and the story it tells is subtle enough that it doesn’t refrain you from enjoying the vibrant colors!!

Yay 😀

Tree sketch in my new sketchbook!

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This was a sketchbook that I bought with the intention of using as a travel journal. Which I did, for a while, until I realized… I don’t really have a use for a travelling journal. I don’t travel this much lately anyway and also, it’s simply not really my thing.

Anyways, I am really proud of this tree sketch that I started yesterday and finished today. It’s my first page and it kicks ass!!

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I’m growing very fond of Faber Castell’s PITT Artist Pens, to be quite honest. I loved them from the start and, although I didn’t really know how to use them properly, I knew it was the sh*t! And now that I’m getting used to them, I can only confirm how amazing they are! My favorite has to be the soft brush types because it gives me so much freedom of movements. And also, guys, the colors are !!!!!!

So, here’s a side to side of my tree and the reference tree outside of my house:

 

 

I really enjoyed doing that!

For one, because drawing outside is actually pretty fun! And also, because this little pointillism thing I’ve got going on for the leaves is both fun to do and beautiful!

So happy with this! And looking forward to filling out this sketchbook!

 

I still have another brand new sketchbook to start filling also! It’s an A4 one that I bought a couple months back cos it was 10€ instead of 25 or something!

There’s no such thing as too many sketchbooks though, am I right? Haha

Until next post, cherish Nature, please! ❤

Pastel winter landscape, 02.01.18

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Back in February I followed a pastel tutorial and managed to create a very good landscape:

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I’m not so very used to using pastel, which is why I followed the tutorial in the first place, but so far, all I’ve made with that media have been okay! This and also the Bob Ross one!

I’ve learned a couple of things following this tutorial which I’ll link here if you want to try it out for yourself! And well, just like with everything, mastery comes with practice.

I kinda wish this was actually a creation of my own because it is beautiful, only, in the end it is just a frail copy of somebody else’s work. I hope I can one day create something as wonderful as this and Change of Season on my own!

I’m still very proud of it though! It was a first try so sure, it is a little wobbly here and there! But I still love it! The colors are vibrant and that big tree in the foreground is very close to being magnificent. There’s room for improvement (thank God) but there’s also room for praise. So let’s do both, alright? Keep working hard and keep celebrating those baby steps!

Until next post, keep reaching for those dreams! ❤

P.S.: I’ve made another pastel drawing last week actually but I will post it on Friday so as to let my blog breathe a bit, hehe this one is almost two months late so, can’t complain… 😛

Color Me Undead: a poem and a drawing

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COLOR ME UNDEAD

Sunshine is a false friend.

The weather never stays the same inside this hurricane:

Sky’s grey, then blue, then white;

There’s sun and then it rains.

I just never know when it’s safe to rest.

I gotta keep on the move

Always, even when I lose my groove.

Paint me, pain,

For I am a canvas

And I’ve been blank for too long now.

The ground isn’t very stable.

I keep falling in these muddy puddles.

They take away my colors; leave me numb.

Mean cycle; recycle…

Mom, rock me back to my cradle.

Sunshine is a false friend,

The storm it never ends!

Paint me, pain.

Paint me again,

Over and over again.

Give me a face.

Give me hard times.

And, please, leave a trace.

Weather forecast calls for the peeling of my soul.

Layer by layer I melt away

Under the merciless waves

Of this self-perpetuated hell.

Acid rains devour my core.

I barely bleed as I lose my skin.

Colorless; colorblind; who am I?

Paint me, pain.

Help me be again.

Show me I’m alive,

Not living in vain!

Show me who I am!

Show me that I can

Be more than a stain…

There’s still blood in these veins

And strength in these legs.

And next time,

When it rains,

Come back faster to me, friend,

And paint me sane & chained!

Color me undead;

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The drawing was fueled by Halfnoise’s EP The Velvet Face and Paramore’s latest song(which I’m so asdfghjkl about). So I was really feeling that colorful but mournful vibe. Which was already pretty strong with my post Pain is a color and I’m a rainbowAnd the first draft of the poem was fueled by the drawing. And then the real thing was fueled by the storm and insomnia and also eating a green apple past midnight.

It’s 4AM, I’ll try to catch some Zs now. There’s so much I need to say; I’ll try to write a post and let it out, maybe this week, maybe later, I don’t even know anymore.

Until next post, don’t eat apples after midnight and get some sleep ❤