Today, November 25th, at 4:40PM (Irish time!) precisely, marks my THREE months being in Ireland!
…but in that weird way where it all happens so fast yet the days seem to drag with every breath you take. Only a week in, I felt like I had been there for twice as long but the week had went by so fast it almost slipped out of my hands. And now, three months in, I feel like I’ve spent over a year with my family and at the same time, I realize it’s been so little, but the days just fade fast. Maybe that’s what settling in feels like?
All that means is just, I guess, that I’m very lost in the now, which is a good thing. It means that I’m so absorbed by what I’m doing that I can’t quite grasp the passing of time. Which doesn’t mean that my days and weeks don’t get long or anything; not at all. It just happens so fast no matter how slow it gets. And sometimes, it leaves me with such an overwhelming feeling of helplessness which strips me of all pressure.
Naked trees inspire me
When that solid thought hits me that Time just glides on me and I’m simply fading fast through life, I feel so… Lightweight. Like I’m just floating through life, never grabbing onto anything heavy enough nor going to any solid shelter. Like I’m just a candle burning away and my flame will die, sooner than later and I won’t even see it coming, and I’m fine with it. Like opening my eyes only to realize that my body is free falling and closing them again, accepting my impending fate and smiling to the thought of it. Sometimes, I give myself up completely to the insane flow of life and Time thinks, for a second, that it’s won. But it’s not and it won’t get the best of me.
Sometimes I feel so small and I feel lost, but I’m not losing. I’m learning and growing. And although it doesn’t always look like it, I’m not just fading through life. I’m leaving a mark everywhere, my soul-prints are everywhere. Even when I’m just running my fingers along the walls as I float by, I’m still leaving traces. Even when I’m not being productive, working hard enough on things that are dear to me, I’m still existing and I still mean something. Because there is more to life than purpose and solid things.
Life is an experience and being human revolves a lot around your senses and feelings. Maybe the real purpose of life is life? It’s to just learn to appreciate it, ups and downs, scars and smiles, blood and light, and go through it with an open heart, let it fill you?? I wouldn’t know, I’m just a kid after all..
Time flies but my broken wings can still carry me; I’ll run, faster.
The road so far!
I think I only have five medium-sized “buckets of thoughts” to share about my experience so far. I’ve been trying to write this post since last weekend, in the hopes of scheduling it for today but it was all just a big struggle and so I end up only finishing today. Some thoughts just weren’t ripe enough to be written out so I kept them for another post and we’ll focus on things I can actually put into words right now.
⊗ I found a home here. I am filled with love.
The parents, kids and I all adapted to each other almost instantly. I feel like we were meant to be. It’s only been three months but there’s so much love, trust and happiness going on. We know each other and we can be real together, you know what I mean? It’s all so natural. I feel like an actual part of the family; it’s a lovely feeling.
Tiny blurry family in the woods
We were comfortable from the get-go and only grew closer by the day. We had this instant connection. Especially with the kids! I thought it would take them a while to open up and get used to me and accept me as a new part of their life but not at all. We’re super buddies now and they give me so much love sometimes I don’t even know what to do with it. Ha ha!
Although we don’t spend as much time together as I do with the kids, my host parents and I are pretty close and we know we can count on each other and it is all oh so very beautiful. I can have really deep and sincere conversations with them, wear my heart on my sleeve and it’s mutual. They confide in me sometimes, no questions asked; just come to me after a weird day and tell me what’s on their minds. We can also be silly-goofs together and joke about the hard times. And they’re also really supportive and encouraging of me and honestly, how did I ever get in such a good home?
Simply put: we’re the perfect match and life is awesome.
⊗ I went to evening art classes at the community school…
Which was okay. But I’m not going anymore because it is not teaching me anything and, although it is a cool place to be, I don’t want to invest any more time in it since it doesn’t bring nothing much into my life.
I didn’t make friends but I think it was still a nice experience somehow. I got to focus completely (well, 90% at least since, you know, my mind is always roaming and am always obsessing over several different things) on making a thing for two hours one night every week and it felt really good. Sure, I never once finished one thing in class since I’m an art-snail but I finished them at home anyways. I made things and it was cool. But, no more. I think my time should be invested on something else.
I talked about it for a bit on my second channel the other day, you can watch here.
⊗ I’m rediscovering the joy of friendship and simple acquaintances!
I’ve met with other au pairs and while some of them have become really good friends, others are just these familiar faces added to this very new environment of mine!
Esther, Aidana and I
With my new friends, we do things together and it feels good to have people other than my Irish family to turn to and make new memories with. I’m so thankful that I met them because they are lovely people. We get to hang out on the weekends and sometimes even during the week if we’re lucky. And it feels good, you know, to just know that you don’t have to go alone to that art exhibition or you can definitely go grab a coffee when you’re a little blue and need some company.
With my past being what it was, I had almost forgotten how good it felt to hang out with people. Just going out for a drink or simply hanging out; going shopping together, being silly together and exploring together. Just last weekend I went to the art gallery with Esther and I had an amazing time!
“fish alcohol” ewww
And the start of a friendship is such a beautiful thing by the way. Getting to experience all of these feelings feels like a first time again; it is scary but enjoyable. After all, this is a fresh start for me, and, maybe not a new life, but a new chapter and I have a better grip on my story. Forever afraid to be loved but, remember what I say guys, use the fear as a fuel, don’t let it consume you. I’m learning to walk with my shaky legs and go through life again, even if I’ve been burned in the past. Learning to give second chances to everyone and myself.
I am so happy to have people I can call friends already! I just can’t wait to get to know them a little bit more and do more things together. Just be friends!
⊗ Everything is routine.
The kids are going to school after all, so it is normal for life to follow a very repetitive schedule which doesn’t make it any less fun. During the afternoons, after homework, sometimes we make art together or music or they just go outside play with their friends and I sit on my lonely ass and watch haha But having that structure is actually really helpful to get your shit together and build your own scheduled life around it and get to do your own things too.
I will fully place my heart in these tiny hands.
I still struggle to wake up in the morning. I’d like to wake up at six so I can get a few things done before I wake the kids up. So far, I’ve only failed. But, I’m getting there. I usually wake up with my alarm but snooze until at least half past and sometimes all the way to ten to.
I’m doing my best, for once in my life, to lead a more organized existence. I’m not one for plans because WHY? and also because they aren’t compatible with the way my mind works. But, I’ve got goals and loads of things that I want to work on while I’m living the good life with my lovely Irish family. There are simple things I can do to make sure I can fit all of my hard work in my free time and not let my dreams sink instead of just giving into the laziness and fun side of life.
- *wink wink*
It isn’t that hard to be invested in what you love. As a matter of fact, if you care enough about something/someone, you’ll find the time, energy and motivation for them. You’ll make way for it. Because there is always a way and if you’re not willing to trade some TV time for guitar practice or whatever it is you’re all about, then, maybe it doesn’t mean so much to you after all. You just have to care enough. Think about it like dessert after dinner; sometimes you’re full but you always manage to fit that delicious dessert in, don’t you? 😉
So, I’ve started a bullet journal to help guide me into my weeks and make sure I get work done and also, to keep track of me and see the big picture. So far, this first week of it was a disaster. I was not productive at all although I did get a few tasks done and I’ll blame it on my period, yes. But even though my journal has yet to be the magical cure to getting my shit together, just having a visual representation of all the things I didn’t do is helping me (beat myself up some more). And I definitely think that on the long term it’ll be a great guide and it’ll document my progress as a functioning
I’m all settled in the school routine now so all I have to do is manage to fit my many passions (not hobbies, actual rocks that make me, my life an actual thing) in there. SQUEEZE THEM IN I don’t care, I have to fit them all someway somehow. And I think the key is to let go of foolish things like snoozing, tv shows and laying around (and only keep these for “lazy days” like Esther would put it 😉 ).
⊗ Oh and yeah, I bought my dream guitar ♥♥♥♥ (And will definitely write a post about it SOON. )
- Dramatically chilling into the night
Therefore I am finally able to work hard on my dreams again and not feel so alone on those bone chilling lonely days.
Haven’t really been working hard, to keep this post honest, but trying! Like I said, I am indeed learning to organize my life and fit everything I do in there, so my hard work agenda has been wibbly wobbly these past few months. But I’m getting there. Step by step.
I have almost regained all the left-handed skills I had! My strumming is finally coming back quite nicely and my fretting hand is doing better by the day too. I’m making a point to practice my scales everyday even if that’s the only thing I pick up my guitar for.
Eat it maybe?
(Which can get really frustrating sometimes cos I want to play and have fun, not just go through my scales! It isn’t that boring a thing, but you know, it’s like having simply salad for dinner. Doesn’t suck so bad but could’ve used something more…)
I have also gotten back to my music theory study and trying to keep the knowledge in my brain and also translate it through my hands to the guitar/eyes/ears. I’ve been making these little flash cards to quizz myself but I’ve found that it’s not enough to help me digest the knowledge. Or maybe that’s just cause I haven’t been working on it every single day too… hehehe :3 But I’ll study better and harder, promise!
New guitar, muscle memory and brain abs!
..to life, more days. I’ve had very dark days these past years that were so heavy they left deep marks on my shoulders that have yet to fade. I’ve had days where I was unable to even look forward to my next attack on myself. I’ve had days where I clung onto the tiniest piece of light I had found in the back of a dirty drawer all the while wishing for it to go out. I’ve died a thousand times, like they said, and wished for thousands more.
But I think that at this moment in my life, I can tell that I am in a better place, a better headspace. I am not cured, of course not. My cuts have not healed and my darkness has not just disappeared. But I’ve regained so much of that light I thought for real that I had forever lost.
I’m happy. I’m alive. I’m living and enjoying my every days. Sure sometimes time flies and I feel like I’m so powerless and falling behind. Sometimes the storm sends big waves my way and I have to face them in a very adult way, meaning mostly keeping a face for the kids and keeping a happy house while I crumble inside. Sometimes shit sucks. Sometimes I suck. But I’m happy here. Almost. I’m okay. I’m fine.
I look forward to getting back more seriously into music. Writing songs and trying out open mic nights and maybe even busking! And I’m looking forward to feelings and emotions and connections. I look forward to progress and feeling myself evolve into a better singer/musician//artist. I know that there’s so much bottled up inside, so many ideas just macerating in dark or dimly lit corners of my mind and I can’t wait to be able to turn them into actual things.
When I look ahead, all I hope to see is a life filled with all arts, human connections, smiles, laughter, friendships, adventures, LOVE and so much more! I can’t wait to create more. I can’t wait to meet more people and allow my current relationships to get deeper and brighter. I can’t wait for new things and feelings too.
I’m just overall excited about life. I guess in a very calm and normal way, which I’ve never been used to. I’m just like “Wow, tomorrow I’m having coffee with Esther; this is AWESOME LIFE IS SO BUSY WOOT WOOT”. Life, guys, life! There’s art, there’s love and there’s darkness too. I’m still me, hey. Looking forward to the light and the darkness; to the love and the heart-rips; to the bigger and still-big-but-less-bigger things.
I’m looking forward to more life, that’s it.
Emily “found” a flower in her mandarin peel the other day and it was the prettiest thing
So, yeah, three months gone! Living the good life with the loveliest family and making warm memories. Discovering myself and learning on and on. Living and breathing and struggling to reconcile all of what I do with my new lifestyle and happiness. Excited, alive and burning brighter.
I’m trying hard to get things done and build my little empire so that I can work in it in order to build the bigger dream-empire. But, I’ve never learned how to be organized nor productive since school has taught me all the opposite; I’m really good at last-minute-intense-pressure-what-the-fuck-am-i-doing type of scenarios but not so good at spreading things over the week. I’m learning and I’m getting there. Hard to allow organization and a free mind to coexist; one just like to roam and go with the flow, it’ll happen if the feeling is there or not, while the other is all about this-should-be-done-right-now and I already know what we’ll do tomorrow. And, it’s hard. I’m learning.
I am thankful and I am happy. It’s lovely, it’s amazing and I’m glad that I took the leap, that I came here, followed my guts, stuck to my words and I just want more. I love my family, I love my city, I love my few friends and I love life.
Thank You, Universe! And to me too! ❤
Ready to go out by myself and rock my own world?
P.S.: Tonight I am going to this really cool art-related event and it’s probably going to bring big things into my life so stay tuned, I’ll probably post about it soon!!! 😀 (still leaving some room for disappointment so that if it ends up not becoming too big a thing, my heart will break a little less harder. Just in case. You never know. I believe it’ll happen. But I can’t let myself fall completely into the arms of any fantasy anymore; I don’t want to burn too hard sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. Expect the pain and embrace the surprise of life.)