This isn’t real.


These hands are blurred. Saltwater is red. This isn’t real.

It comes in waves. I’m shaking. And then it stops. Why? And then it starts again. This isn’t real.

This room is so black, this screen so bright. This isn’t real.

I’m cold. I’m scared and alone. I’m terrified. Overwhelmed and empty. Two pills numbed me. This isn’t real.

I don’t want it to be real. Not anymore. This isn’t real. If this is reality, then reality is a prison and I want out.

Peter Pan, come take my hand; take me away, to a world I can breathe in without painting my lungs so black and decaying.

This isn’t real. I don’t wanna be awake if this is real.

I’m not even there.

Positive bullets #3


I had to look through my blog just to make sure I didn’t get the number wrong, only to realize that this is only the third P.B.post! I was supposed to go somewhere this afternoon but I kind of freaked out and avoided every bus stop. I couldn’t stop walking and I eventually ended up in the supermarket, buying things I needed, which I was only supposed to do later today, after having went to that place… I felt bad and have been slowly going down since because that tiny wave hit hard.

Then, I bought cat and dog food because there were these nice people from a shelter (I think?) collecting food and donations to help feed abandoned pets. So, that cheered me up a bit. I even bought a special one for kitties because babies… I didn’t give much because I didn’t have much money on me but I did buy some and that felt good to know that this tiny little action could make other souls happy.

On my way back I was thinking about doing another one of these posts because I can feel myself going there again and I don’t want it to devour me completely. So, here they come the positive bullets because I really need them! Let’s take a moment to acknowledge, rediscover, celebrate, what makes me feel alive, what I do love, what activates the happy sparks in my heart.

  • I love smiling at children in the street because when they smile back it makes me feel happy.
  • I’m in love with button mushrooms and broccoli gently cooked with soy sauce; it’s delicious!
  • When I’m walking outside and it’s rained a bit, and I can smell the leaves from the ground and there’s this fresh breath of air that the trees create that embraces me.
  • Hearing my mom’s voice on the telephone
  • Singing with all my heart and not feeling the pressure of the thin walls of this room.
  • Getting excited over anything with my best friend.
  • Passing dogs in the streets and smiling at them!
  • When it rains.
  • I like it when I put slices of cucumber in my water and then I feel so fancy, and it’s refreshing
  • It warms my heart when I see people outside just being themselves; like that woman that I passed earlier, waving at someone in the distance while on the phone with her and feeling that slight fear she had that the person wouldn’t see her or go the other way. It warms my heart to witness life happening in its simplest form.
  • I love hearing my voice teacher tell me that I have potential and my voice can be much greater. It gives me more strength to hang onto hope which sometimes fades when I try to believe in my future.
  • When my little brother sends us a picture on our Facebook family group chat and asks us “What do you think of …?” when we only answer with emojis. The boy needs words!
  • Hotel Books and feeling Cam’s pain and feelings through his voice and words
  • The feeling I get every time I leave my voice lesson which I believe is a mix satisfaction and confidence which I’m not very used to.
  • Watching my favorite tv-show because I’ve grown so attached to the characters and they feel like family and I’m just so happy every time I see them again.
  • I love being sensitive and feeling things very intensely because when the side of the storm that makes me numb hits me I lose a big part of myself and it’s a part that I like a lot.
  • Listening to the Burlesque album, dancing around in my pjs and being overwhelmed by the power of Christina Aguilera’s voice.
  • I like it when I paint my nails and don’t put so much nail polish on my fingers!
  • I love the people that record rain sounds and these kind of Nature stuff and put these long videos up on YouTube because most nights it’s what helps me fall asleep and shut insomnia’s cakehole!

That’s a nice little list we have here! Even though this isn’t curing my heart, I know it helps deep down. 🙂

There’s beauty everywhere, in everything and everyone, I know that, and I don’t want to forget it, ever. When it gets really dark outside, I need to stop for a moment, sit down and remind myself that, even if I don’t see them right now/all the time, there are bright lights out there and they’re always there. And this is what positive bullets are all about. They aren’t no antidote to the day’s darkness, just a reminder of the light. Not because I’m always stuck in the rain means I can’t see the rainbows.

The rainbows are always here because life is made of endless sun and endless rain, and our existences are just these streams that go back and forth from the shadowy, cold places, to the warm, sunny ones. Sometimes, we get stuck on one side for longer than we’d like, but the sky is still the same. We can stare at the rain, at the sun or at the rainbows from any point we stand at; we just need to remember that we can. Sometimes, we’re lucky and we’re stuck in the middle where the rainbows are more obvious and the rain and sun seem so distant. But just like the Earth, we’re always moving, always growing and changing and dying.

I like the way SOAD explains it in their song Aerials: “Life is a waterfall, we’re one in the river then one again after the fall, swimming through the void […]”. Honestly, the whole song is a masterpiece. The lyrics are beautiful.

Sometimes I like to fight against the current, sometimes I like to go with the flow, often my head’s under the water. But I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to stand through the fluctuations and bend when the waves are strong. I’m learning life.

I’m probably going to be having a sad night, let’s be honest. But I have chocolate, I have wine, I have ice cream and endless cheering movies and sad ones and scary ones to watch and float away until dawn…

The sun will rise and we will try again

-Truce, t∅p

I’m going to try and keep writing that chapter now.

Until next post, keep it positive! Don’t underestimate the power of your mind. Even if you can’t wipe away the darkness, you can light up those candles, as tiny as they might be, along your way. The power is in your hands. ❤

Everyday is a victory.


It’s past midnight, I’m in my underwear wearing red lipstick, sitting on the floor and drinking wine, eating strawberries, all the while blasting some Christina Aguilera in the headphones. Isn’t that just the best setting to type some weirdly interesting post? I think not. This is me we’re talking about, remember! This post will probably be a wreck and I won’t even care. As soon as I’m done I’m either going to go back to binge-watching New Girl and finish that damn chocolate bar or slow dance with my guitar to some Mariah Carey.

If you think that’s very cliché of me, just wind back to last night when I was watching Sixteen Candles with a Ben&Jerry’s Cookie Dough tub and my tears. It felt awesome btw

I went outside today and it wasn’t as bad as most of the other days have felt so far. A few days or maybe weeks (Idek) ago, I realized as I was talking with a special person that I don’t give myself enough credit for my tiny victories. So, this post is me saying that:

Everyday is a victory.

Days outside of my flat are hard. Days inside aren’t that easy either. No day is actually that easy. Everyday that I live through is a victory. When I go to sleep and wake up the next morning (or when I don’t sleep at all…), I won. I won over my demons, my disorders, my foolishness, my fears, everything. I made it through another day of self-bullying, another day of passive or intense fighting, another day of lying on the floor without the strength to do things I love. Everytime I wake up, I should celebrate the fact that I survived another day. Some days are harder than others but it doesn’t take away the fact that no day goes without me struggling.

So, there you go. Today wasn’t that bad a day when it comes to all this bullshit. And I’m happy about it. I’m happy I made it through the crowds and noise. It’s also very pretty outside. I LOVE AUTUMN. The leaves are so beautiful. But I felt soooo hot though ><

Alright. I’ve got to end this post now! YouTube has dragged me to the Britney side and well, I LIKE IT OKAY? But I’m not sure what I’m writing makes sense so I’d rather end it and laugh about it when I wake up later today!

I feel so good about today. Sure, I did buy things on weird impulses like two lipsticks or hairspray or baby powder (wow, I’m such a wild girl, ain’t I? HAHAHAHA). But what I’m trying to express right here right now is that I made it through another day, and that makes me happy somehow!! This whole existence thing is a whole damn war and right now I’m feeling happy about this day that I just went through on my own. I feel so pretty right now. I mean, my hair are looking rather okay and I love my eyes! And well, I’m not disappointed in these lipsticks. And, damn, I’m just so okay with being alive right now!! 😀

Why such a sad-sounding setting then if I feel that good? If you were me, you wouldn’t stand being on your own for more than five minutes. I’ve got all these thoughts that never stop, toxic ones, cute ones, weird ones, censored ones, so many that I only want to shut it down now and then, when I have the chance (i.e. some red and old-ish liquid thing or RUM cos sugarcane!).

End of this post. Red is the color of passion. I miss my little brother! I’d love to not be alone right now but I am so I might as well not sleep and jump around in my underwear. And I love sardines; keep that in mind! ❤

I just want to say one last thing before I leave! Make sure you guys celebrate the smallest victories just as much as the bigger ones. Because, in fact, there is no such thing as a “small” victory. Every victory is a BIG DEAL. And, everyday is a victory. Remember that and celebrate life, celebrate surviving those long and exhausting days. Celebrate life and love. Celebrate yourself and the world. Everyday is a victory.

You’re a warrior! We’re all going through some kind of hardship. Don’t deny yourself roses just because you think that someone else might have it worse. There’s always someone else having it worse than you somewhere! But it doesn’t take away from your pain! Celebrate all your victories! Smallest and bigger ones the same! You’re alive, you’ve made it through; this is awesome. You’re a warrior, a survivor in more ways than anyone will ever know. Don’t forget to take some time to love yourself and celebrate your existence each day.

I’m off now. But don’t forget that you’re all important. ❤

P.S.: drinking alone to celebrate is kind of lame, so call a friend or just, don’t drink, that’s stupid (I knoooooow it is, I promise. Experience or stg talking right here!)!!!!

😉

Midnight coffee to “unwaste” the day


It’s 11:11PM as I type this and I just made a cup of coffee, and it reminded me of this beautiful song! Check it out:

This should be a short post but there’s a 99% chances I end up writing way more than I intended to! Ha ha!

These three girls are amazing, huh? One of the bands I grew up with. Love them! 🙂

So why would one sane person make coffee at such a late hour?

  1. Who said I was sane?
  2. When is late really late?
  3. I completely fucked up this day(and the previous one too, actually) and I want to make up for it.
  4. I’m getting really tired of my own shit.

There you go. This is mostly it.

That storm, whatever shit it is full of, won’t leave me. It’s stuck with me for most of my existence so far and well, it’s one of the few things who never fails to be there. And no, that’s not a good thing.

After so many years of dealing with it, you’d think I’ve gotten better at this and can easily dodge the waves. But let me make it simple: no. It just doesn’t work that way. If I could just turn it off or ignore it, I would all the time. Believe me, I love turning things off and ignoring things. But I can’t.

Not so long ago I got called a fake by a person -I’m glad got the fuck out of my life- who had no idea half the things that go on in my tiny bag of bones after I had one of my first ever real big panic attack. Funny enough though, it happened one night I made coffee at midnight because I wanted to pull an all-nighter and draw! “Funny”. I just seem to never learn and especially not from mistakes – can I blame it on hope? Hopefully I won’t have one tonight; I’m already tired enough.

This is isn’t fun at all. When I pick up my guitar and my whole body feels weak and my mind yells that me “What’s the point? I’ll never be good enough.”, it hurts. It’s not fun to have all the passion and interest you have in things torn from your hands, especially when those things are the few things that keep you going, fighting on. How could I fake not wanting to do the only things I feel I’m meant to do? Why would I? Why would I not sing for a whole day willingly? Why would I lie in bed for a whole day and not eat willingly? I love doing things, I love eating, I LOVE PLAYING MUSIC. And I need to to feel okay. It is not enjoyable to have zero energy and finding out that nothing has taste anymore, to not feel anything at all. And it is not enjoyable to be so powerless facing such a deadly storm that actually comes from within, from yourself. How could it be funny to pretend that my body and mind are waging a war against each other and against me and that I’m the only thing standing in the way of my personal sunlight BUT that I have no way of stopping anything? Whatever.

So yeah, back to the point, I think… These last two days(and maybe before but I can’t exactly remember things right now as I’m in this period where I have completely no notion of time – everything is just a continuous line and well, I don’t think in days or anything)I’ve been waking up at 11AM again which is a bad enough thing to do for someone that has dreams to make come true but, on top of that, I’ve done nearly nothing at all the rest of the day. So yeah, I’m done. I’m stopping it right now. I’ve done that a lot in the past but I can’t afford wasting any more time! So, I’m trying to apply the whole self-discipline to… well, myself! I’m not sleeping tonight(maybe a little nap tomorrow morning before my last exam -finally!) and I’m gonna do things! The worst part is that I’ve started many different things and that’s exactly when the waves decided to hit me and I let them throw me face first to the floor. Fuck that.

I’ll barely sleep between now (11:47PM) and tomorrow’s exam (1PM) because I spent all my day lying down on my -broken- air mattress. I’ve got to make up for it. I’m not so mad at myself either because I, for one, understand why is it that I couldn’t pick up the strength to do things. I don’t have absolute power on those things but I can, and I know it, gather enough strength to pick myself up and stand while the waves hit. Not because it’s bigger than me and stronger and takes away most of what make me a human being means I should let it throw me to the ground and not get back up.

It’s not always easy. And it’s okay to fall now and then, I can’t be strong always when it comes to this; it’s not just simple laziness(I kick laziness’ butt and spit in its face!). And it’s also okay to spend a whole day lying in bed when the waves strike out of the blue(I feel pun potential in this…). But I’m in this alone, for the most part, and I’ve gotta learn to pick myself off the ground and fight against the current. It has hit me way harder than that and I already had two days laying down doing shit sooooo yep, all-nighter and unwasting time that got lost in the storm.

Alright, I should stop with this post now and get to work. It’s not exactly an interesting one anyway. 😛

Quote

Frank Iero, Art is the Weapon


We are a generation told not to try too hard. The world is going to crap so why break a sweat? We are reminded daily not to trust our gut or follow our hearts, your dreams are unattainable and unrealistic. Fear is the eternal enemy. If they can keep you scared, they can keep you controlled. We are here as a reminder that the world is not better off without you. These are dangerous days that we live in, and you, the artists are our best defense. Art is the weapon. Your imagination is the ammunition. Stay dirty and stay dangerous. Create and destroy as you see fit. Embrace your originality; the aftermath is secondary. You can and should do anything. Love what you do and who you truly are.

Frank Iero

BLIND CIRCLE


No matter how hard we try

There’s always a routine that settles

In our daily routine battles

See where the problem is?

The more you try to fight something

The better you get at ignoring it

Which in the end will make you think

That you succeed each time you sleep

But don’t forget, dear

There’s no such thing here

As a victory; just a tragedy

For there’s always a routine that settles

Deep within our daily routine skins.

Image

A big change for the best


Starting off this year with facing a change I never imagined could ever be a reality: transitioning from being a right-handed player to a left-handed player.

I cut my finger a while back ago and only now realized that I could never play guitar the same way again if I remained a right-handed guitarist. My finger is now and forever – of this, I’m quite sure – too sensitive to play bar chords or anything, really. Even playing on my ukulele has become a hard task. So I did what I had to do as soon as I realized there was actually another path for me to take (other than the one where I give up guitar and maybe pick some other instrument): I ordered a left-handed guitar.

Now, I do realize that this is a hard thing to do. Why would one sane person put themselves through this?, one would ask. Well, I’ll tell you what. Maybe I’m not sane. But music is all I want for my life and it’s all I am. I couldn’t picture my future without music in it, I couldn’t picture my life without music in it and I probably wouldn’t be in that picture if music wasn’t part of my life.