safety match (original song)

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Loads of things happening lately, guys! I’ve got some really cool songs on the way and some done as well, which I’ve been performing a couple of times already at the open mics. In time I will share them but for now, take this raw one I “finished” this morning.

Crack my bones like matches, I can be your light

Lift me off the ground, I’ll come back to life and I’ll

I’ll be a place that can hold both your brightest smiles and all your darkest heartbeats

Crack my bones like matches, burn me to the ground

I will rise again and bloom inside your loving arms

And I’ll be your home, your light, the fire burning in your eyes

If you just say the word I’ll rip my heart out of my chest for you

Crack my bones like matches

I will follow you into the darkness, I promise

If you just hold my hands we won’t get lost

We’ll be just fine, we’ll be alright, we’ll be okay

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Stressed out fire that can’t focus on sh*t

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There’s a fire in my bones, fire in my heart that guides me through the dark.

With one of the kids being off school earlier than usual today, my morning free time was halved. It wasn’t a surprise or anything, in fact, I was already prepared mentally for the struggle of it all. However, I feel like I didn’t make the most out of it… And, although I did do the work I had planned, I was left rather disappointed and frustrated by the end of it.

The truth is that, with the kids’ holidays last week, I hadn’t sung/played the guitar for more than nine days, and it left me rusty. And it’s always a hard pill to swallow when I come back from such a long break to find my voice all flat and powerless. I tried to power through it this morning, though. But I was so out of shape and the energy wasn’t there so it all came out wrong. And even though I did work, I felt like I hadn’t.

I can’t hide that it bothers me oh so very much not to be able to work quite as hard as I’d like lately, especially after this long break where it feels like it’s necessary to grind even harder! But I’m still trying to find comfort in the actions and reassure myself that, although I’m not doing as much as I’d like, I’m still doing something and that’s good. Even just a little bit everyday makes a huge difference in the end!

I’m flying for my official holidays this Friday and I’ve just been really focused on the idea of practicing as much as I can before I leave. I know I will still be able to work on my voice once I’m there, but it won’t be the same, as I won’t have all the theory books and my guitar and all my stuff…

But it’s just been so hard for me these past few weeks to get anything done at all! I blame it on the sun and the heat, which, even in very low doses, can render me pretty much useless. I don’t think it’s just that. There’s probably a lot of stress hiding in the shades also. About traveling a long way on my own, Esther leaving, all that’s to come after, etc.

And, I think that’s gotta be the main thing really that might make my body and mind so restless that they can’t focus on those things they enjoy so much! It’s all that I know will be coming after the holidays, when I come back and start setting the first stones to build this empire of mine. I am scared. I am excited. And I certainly am worried in ways I don’t think I’ve ever been before.

I’ve been trying to get down a rough esquisse of a plan to reassure myself, but so far, it’s proven harder than I thought it would. Because, as much as I’m all about “Fuck plans!”, I know that having kind of the big lines of the start of this big thing written down before my eyes would help me cope better with the idea of dreams becoming reality! And I think I’ll only be able to do that once I am back home, as the distance will give me a better view of the bigger picture!

And anyways, you know me, I’ll keep trying through the frustration and despondency. Even if that means I have to fail everyday. Because there’s nothing else I’d rather do and there’s nothing else worth getting tired & bruised over. I only have three days left, and I will try to fit as much theory and practice as I can into what’s left of free time until then. Tomorrow is theory day so we’ll see how that goes for me!!

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Even if that means I have to fail everyday, I’ll keep trying.

I hope that these three days get to be filled with as much vocal practice and theory (and Italian) as my dream-filled mind can allow in this very blurry moment of my life!

And same for you, reader! I hope that the rest of your week is filled with whatever it is you need/wish it to be. And I wish you to feel very content with the way it went as you take off your shoes on Friday night, ready to enjoy the weekend. I hope you shine really bright and that your days are sprinkled with many lovely little details to make you feel complete. ❤

Untitled acrylic painting, 05.21.18

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Needed some practice before I start working on my mom’s and brother’s birthday presents. I haven’t painted anything since E’s b-day present!! So, I’m a little rusty and I want my family’s paintings to be as good as it gets!

So, I painted this, on a piece of cardboard:

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I originally intended it to be orientated “upside down” so that it would look like the blue flowers shed their leaves into the fire. But after thought, I realized it would be perfect the other way around! Anyways, here’s some details:

I am so proud of it, honestly! It came out a little messy since I didn’t plan anything, and so my layering was a little “nonsense”, as Emily&Adam like to put it. But the colors are so vibrant and the story it tells is subtle enough that it doesn’t refrain you from enjoying the vibrant colors!!

Yay 😀

Things on the way!

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I had a rather productive couple of days all locked up in my room! Ha ha Not saying I wasn’t distracted, because I was (I’ve gotten to the fourth season of a show I started watching last Friday, so… yeah) and I’m even more amazed I managed to get anything done at all! Ha ha

  • I’ve got five song drafts! Yes, five! Two from yesterday and three from today!
  • I’m done with the draft for Uncage IX and I will post it tomorrow!! (If you haven’t followed the story and want to check it out, here’s chapter I, but it’s really bad; and if you missed the last one, here’s chapter VIII)
  • I’m going on a trip to Kerry with my host family this week!

This whole month is happening!

New book to read, new days to seize, new chances, new opportunities. I’m very hopeful.

Last two months were challenging but they’re over now and I’m ready for this new one.

I will try not to let my emotions take over too hard and react better in the face of challenge. I will take better care of myself. I can’t sink again. This isn’t Lille anymore. I’m stronger now and I must behave as such. I know better than to punish my body for my mind and heart’s suffering and struggles. And I know better than to let pleasure and fun lead me astray me from hard work. I know balance. I know self-control. I know the importance of nothing and the fire in something. I just gotta shake myself up a little bit and get up straight this time!

I can’t let myself down. That’s not my job. I can find loads of people to do it for free, no sweat, no nothing. I’ve gotta have my own back. I’ve been letting go a little too much lately, crumbling under my own clouds. Not as bad as before, yeah, sure. But I’m not okay with it so we gotta bring some discipline back.

That being said, I’m really excited for what’s ahead. I’ve been dying to write new songs and it feels really good to have so many doors open at once! I don’t know if all the drafts will turn into something but they’ll get the creative juices running. I’ll get there!

I promise to myself, me and no one else, I am more than this. I am the fire!

That song!!! Halestorm rocks! \m/

Until next post, embrace the joy but keep your head in place ❤

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P.S.: I know this post is very … wibbly? I’m tired and tried to rush it to post before midnight, but look, it just turned 12:01 on the clock! Ha ha! I’m gonna finish my movie now before sleeping! I deserved that entertainment better finish it now before another day of things to do before the treats!

Make sure you can count on yourself.

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Hi! I’m tired and my eyes are struggling to stay open as I type this. But I have to get it out so bear with me, this is a good one, I promise!

I had a small talk with my best friend earlier about how I’m uncovering wounds that have yet to heal but never stung enough for me to notice them. I have indeed, in the past few days, became aware of a couple of issues and mental/emotional blocks and also realized where a few of them originate from. And I was telling her a bit about them and how I was feeling, how crazy it is the impact that other people and their words, no matter the levity they be spoken in, can have on one tiny person.

She, of course, agreed and worked her best friend magic on me. But there’s one thing she said… She told me we’d work through it together ( ❤ ) and it would take time, loads of precious time, but we’ll get there eventually. Which was sweet. Then she went on giving me the “love yourself” talk and I had to stop her.

Sure, we all need some pep talk every now and then and reminders to love ourselves through our flaws and darkest moments, yadi yada yada. But, that seems to be a big misconception a lot people tend to have about me so I had to write this down to set the record straight(and also, maybe, possibly, make sure I remember what’s true). Sure, I’m definitely all about self-depreciating jokes and I don’t radiate confidence like my ego was the fucking sun, but I do love me.

I am not going to lie, I have insecurities, doubts and on some days I really can beat myself up about a tiny detail on my body/mind. Of course! We all do. But I still love myself. Then again, to keep in the same line of my previous post, my way of loving me might not earn one too many ticks on your own “check-list of self-love”. But believe me, if there’s someone that loves me, it’s me. I know myself like no one else and my darkness, and all those ugly corners, I know them, I accept them and I wouldn’t trade them.

Love is not an acquired skill or a prized possession or whatever you wanna make it. It’s a work in progress, a continuous lesson. You keep learning and it keeps growing and changing shape and moving and burning… And you have to take care of it just like a garden filled with stuff(to be very unoriginal). But it’s something you work on and something that works within you also. You care for it and it cares for you.

Also, I was telling her how overly dramatic my little self has been reacting to minor inconveniences in the past few months. Like, a tiny thing would happen (maybe just in my mind), and I’d go “Alright so… You can’t count on anyone at all. I better just focus on my work and build myself a career or something. That won’t let me down.” And I was just laughing about it. Like today, nothing at all happened; I just misinterpreted a thing and then my brain turned it instantly into a full-blown drama and I picked my guitar up and I could hear those words in my head. I had to stop and laugh it out. Because it is super silly.

One thing, though, that I have to save from this funny newly added feature in my tragedy-orientated mind, is “you can only count on yourself”. Which might be an overstatement, but I think the core of it is true. No matter how many love you, how many you can trust and turn to, at the end of the day, you’re always the one that’s here, all the time, and the only one that can always be there. And that’s a relationship you definitely have to look out for and make sure it is healthy, non-toxic, balanced and just.

Compassion, empathy, love, little attentions, etc; all of these are actually pretty easy to give, give, give away to all you love. But it’s sometimes harder to give it to yourself. We tend to be harder on ourselves than we are with others and I’m like, why? I know I do it too! I’m all about love and forgiveness for all. Accept all their flaws and understand them, be patient and caring. But I’m the first one brandishing a belt ready to beat my own self up over any tiny detail. If I think everyone is deserving of love and forgiveness and should be treated with kindness always, then why should that be any different for me? Let’s not go there today, though haha

And I know I’m not perfect. And I know that sometimes I fail at loving and caring for myself when faced with frustration and broken expectations. And I know I break my heart a lot and don’t always do what I want me to do. But at the end of the day, I still love me and I know I can count on me.

I’ve been acknowledging the fire in me a lot more lately, especially ever since I let go of all the toxicity (relationships and environment) in my life. I’ve gotten over a lot of things and struggled, survived and am still working through it. I have been faced with a small portion of my own strength and now know for sure that I am capable of much much more! I have trust in me and in my potential.

I’m enjoying time on my own more and am becoming more & more okay with the idea of standing alone. I can acknowledge (okay, it’s pretty hard to admit sometimes but I can do it) my beauty, both inside and out. And I don’t take my flaws as flaws although I can recognize those that definitely need to be worked on. My anxiety had managed to convince me last year that I definitely wasn’t anything at all on my own. But I’ve proved that b*tch(and the other ones too) super wrong, haven’t I?

We all need people. People to love us and support us. I do. I need that. A lot. But it’s important to remember that you are your own person also and you definitely are still valid and awesome without these people. It’s important to be able to exist without them and rely on yourself. You gotta make sure that you are here. Be okay with having to hold your own hand through dark times and carry your own tired body on your back to get through those long dull alleys of life. Make sure that when all else fails, you’ll still be there.

You’re the foundations of this big house, your whole universe revolves around you. People don’t make you you, you do. People don’t make your strength, your worth; you are strong and valuable on your own. Love can add on to the strength and make things look more meaningful. But I promise you, you are already so much more on your own! Trust in that. Skies get dark and nights get long, but there is comfort to be found in your own warmth on those lonely winter nights.

I know sometimes the idea of having only your own hand to hold through a hard day is not exactly a very comforting thought. But that is the beginning of it all. Once you realize that you are here and you are someone to fall back on, you’ll get a better grasp of the words “you’re not alone”. You might have friends, you might have family, you might have pets, you might have hobbies or weird fetishes or whatever floats your boat. But you also have you, and that, lads, is actually such a stupid beautiful thing.

I’ll just end this here. I love me and am happy to know that I’m someone to fall back on. I apologize to my hands for looking down on them sometimes when I’m drowning in myself and they’re the only ones I can reach. I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the fire in me and the neverending strength the Earth keeps on feeding me. And I am also thankful for all the outside love that I receive through my friends and family and the whole Universe, because that is also an important piece of the puzzle!

Until next post, just, send yourself some flowers or something. You’re beautiful and you deserve all the love. ❤

Welcome home, dear Nostrum!

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On October 11th, a dream I had for about eight months now came true. I got my new guitar and it turned my life around once more.

Since I have finally named her, I can, at last, write about it on my lovely lovely messy website. And today marks her two months anniversary, so it is the perfect opportunity!

 

When she arrived I was so overwhelmed I had to live chat with my mom and brother just so I could open the box and see her with my own two eyes. When the outburst of emotions finally chillaxed, I proceeded to take many many pictures with her– of course! I haven’t been playing with her every single day like I’d love to but we’ve spent lots of time together these past two months, and it was pretty sweet. I missed this so much!

From my two brown eyes’ point of view, a relationship with an instrument, just like any other, is also very spiritual; it’s not all about the touching and the strumming… There’s much more to it; soul-food, magic; an instrument can be, or maybe, should be, more than “just it“. It’s a friend, a partner in crime, a weapon to brandish at the sky and howl at the moon with. I mean, it’s not just an instrument; when you create with it, you allow this deep and sincere connection to exist because you let yourself be vulnerable, you let it see your insides and you willingly share your private parts with it. And, no, this is not just a poetic excuse for my slacking off! 😛

It took me a few days to actually start practicing with her because I needed time to adjust and accept her as a new part of my life. But even without practicing with her, the link between our two selves grows. In fact, I instantly felt connected to her once I put her in my room. And now that I’ve been playing more frequently, I feel closer and closer to her and I think that’s why I was finally able to get a feel for a name! So let’s talk about it for a bit, shall we?

The name…

Nostrum (n.)

  • a medicine made by the person who recommends it, sold with exaggerated or false claims with no actual proof of its efficiency
  • “quack medicine”
  • cure-all;
  • a pet scheme for solving issues, mainly social or political ones
  • panacea
  • my left-handed Epiphone Les Paul Custom Pro

Honestly, I did not really give too much thought to it. I was just fooling around with my “word of the day” app on my phone and it showed up and I was like “Oooh…”.

What got me was the “quack medicine” part. Because music and art is what I turn to in my dark times and if you’d ask me, I’d recommend it to solve any issue, soothe any burn, heal any wound and I’d assure you it is THE cure you need. And I like to sprinkle a pinch of doubt on everything, because it is necessary and also I do find it funny? So, using that word to name my weapon of choice is that for me. Meaningful and funny. Also, “no strum”… I mean, come on! I love it.

On a more serious tone, as much as she definitely is not a cure-all, Nostrum is a very good friend. Like, I remember writing on my Instagram one night how she already knew my heart even though we had barely just met.

[…] There’s nothing like music. And nothing like a fancy varnished piece of wood that allows your heart to bleed shamelessly and doesn’t condemn silence. She can already hear what I haven’t even thought yet.” I remember; I had had a rough day (emotionally speaking) but I didn’t have to work the afternoon so I managed to shower and focus on myself; I picked her up and even though I was doing some tedious theory practice, it fixed my mood. We do have a connection. It was an instant one and it grows with every breath, with every strum and every sigh. *You Raise Me Upppp starts playing in the back*IMG_20171011_195825_142.jpg

This is a piece of paper that came with Nostrum and it perfectly put it into words.

Remember it is one of your most intimate possessions–closer to you perhaps than anything else you may own. For it is the voice of the music within you, singing or sighing with your mood and forever faithful to your innermost whims. […] Give it the best you have and the best will come back to you.

Your instrument is an intimate friend and a door to your intimate parts. It knows you. And there is magic happening when you get together…

On working together…

It has been two months now and I have managed to gain back my very few left-handed skills.

For the record, I’ve been through so many changes I’m surprised my hands&brain didn’t get motion-sickness? Was right-handed, had to learn left-handed, then play right-handed again, then not play at all for so long, then play right-handed again, and then play left-handed again. I’m not gonna lie, frustration has been around a couple of times and I felt like banging my head on the walls way too many times. But I’m back on the left side now and I’m feeling good! My strumming is coming back nicely, finger-picking is doing okay and fretting hand isn’t so flexible but we’re getting there.

Just like when I first transitioned to left-handedness, the progress made was surprisingly fast and I am happy it was so. I should be able to write music again now but I’m not sure how fast that is going to happen! Ha ha. But I will. I’ll squeeze it out if I have to! I need to.

I’ve been considering many things like open mics and even busking. I will do them. But I still need some more practice and also songs to play… But I’m getting good enough to at least do a very simple performance on an open mic one night, I think. My host parents were talking with me about it and they said we should be going together to help me get started. And I think I could really use their presence!

Now that I think about it, I’ve never done anything like it before. I’ve never performed in front of more than one person at once! Well, sure when I was a kid we did some shows at the end of the school year, but I gotta admit I used to pretend to sing because I didn’t give a shit and it was pretty lame. My only real stage performances were during my high-school years with theater. I did pretty good then.

I love being on a stage and it somehow makes my performances better. I swear, during rehearsals I was okay, even pretty good sometimes, but on stage, I’d deliver so much more and it would feel much better also! I can’t wait to actually perform as a musician because once I start I am never gonna stop!

Nostrum and I

A new guitar marked the beginning of yet another chapter in this second volume of my life and it had to be marked also with a new picture; mandatory! So, I tried recreating the picture of Glitch and I because it looked pretty cool! However, I was not able to… (achieve the same level of coolness cos I’m an old woman trapped in a 21-year-old body)

I tried the same position at first but it wouldn’t work out. So instead, I went for what came naturally. I tried many different poses but I could not get it to feel the same. I thought that maybe with the editing after, I could get it right. But it did not happen. And then I understood why: everything is different and no amount of editing could copy all that misery and darkness onto my brighter self.

Things have changed. Things have remained the same. I’ve grown. I’ve shrunk. I’ve learned; I’ve forgotten. But the promise is still a thing. My dreams are still a thing. My fighting on never giving up is still a thing. I’m still a thing. Just a better thing! I’m not as miserable, not as lost and not surrounded by so much bullshit anymore. I am not wasting my time anymore; I’m doing things and I’m loving brighter.

This little family of mine has underwent many changes. Friends have died, friends have left, friends have been thrown away. Glitch was sold, Crash was given with love to my amazing best friend, Lilly. We’ve been desperate, at the bottom of the whole and on the edge of the cliff. We’ve drown and learned to swim. We’ve died and dived back in. But Nostrum is here to stay. And we’ll do great things together, mark my words!

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This is my favorite picture of us so far because of the light and my yellow sweater.

I’ve entered a new chapter, bigger chapter of my life and this bright light is devouring me but the shadows are still here, creeping on me. But you’ll notice how darkness and light coexist perfectly. There’s room for both of them and worth in both of them.

Yellow is a beautiful color and has always been my favorite (*wink wink* Winnie the Pooh). It’s bright and strong and warm but also is the color of some fallen leaves in autumn, the undertone of my skin color (thx mama) and… that’s it! I love pairing it with black and grey! Three cheers for yellow!!!

That light is Ireland. That light is me. That light is my darkness. That light is my new friends my Irish family and all that’s new and that’s yet to come. That light is so bright it covers my smile and you have Nostrum and I in the middle of it all, so close together and ready to take it on.

Welcome home, Nostrum! I will love you and we will love together. I’m looking forward to creating art together and performing it and painting life a brighter shade of black together.

Cheers guys! ❤

Meteorites

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(Read it on my Booksie if you’re more into black on white 😉 )

And before you start, may I suggest that you listen to the song that inspired the story while you read? Enjoy.


We were going so fast, so fast. The air felt like it was running on my cheeks as we went against the current. Hands held tight through the sweat, all we knew was which foot to lift next. Time was suspended and the world had disappeared. There was only us; the dark horizon and us. And we kept running. If this was a chapter in a book, I thought to myself, it would be the nineteenth. The reader’s grip would tighten around the book as we ran inevitably toward its last words, just as my hands were tightening around hers; I didn’t want this story to end either.
As we neared the hill, our speed decreased allowing Time to catch up on us. We looked at each other in order to gather some strength. The eye contact worked its magic and we made our way to the bump, moving faster through the stitches in our sides. My mind was suddenly caught in a storm of thoughts. We were leaving so much behind; everything, actually. But we had each other and this new empty space was ours now to fill. The future, the pain, the darkness, nothing felt as scary anymore. We were always going to be together to face life and its side-effects and it was all that truly mattered. Maybe we were so young and naive as my mother had told me times over; we sure were. Maybe we didn’t know much about anything; our young age made us nothing but fools to the eyes of the wise. But we knew what love was and we believed in it. We knew Love and that was far better than any sanity these people seemed to cling onto. I didn’t think that loving was an act of foolishness but I sure observed how lack of it turned hearts bitter. Her breathlessness dragged me out my thoughts. I lifted her chin and wiped the drops of sweat on her forehead. She took my hand in hers and we kept ascending to the top of the hill.
When we finally stopped, it felt unreal. I was lost, almost confused. Although we had barely reached the limits of our small town, I felt as if we had entered another world. We really weren’t that far, just a few blocks away. She came close to me and wrapped an arm around my waist. From there, we could see the abundance of lampposts and the houses of everyone we knew. It was beautiful. Not because of the way the street lights shone and made the town look like a camera lens covered in raindrops. Nor because of how the different colored rooftops made it look like a cosy blanket from above. No, it was beautiful like that one colorful image at the end of your first real book, one with only words; the beautiful image you stared at for a while after having swallowed all the black ink. It was breathtaking like the grand finale of a tragedy. It was our happy ending. She let go of me and went closer to the edge to sit down. I took a moment to appreciate the movement of her hips as she walked before joining her on top of the city. Her hair swayed in the midnight summer breeze and it made my whole body shiver.
“We were like meteorites.”, she said with the widest smile. She turned to look at me. Her smile had gently lifted her cheeks and made those lines I cherished so much appear on the outer corner of her eyes. “You and me, Molly.”, she added. “We flew through the streets like meteorites!” She was so beautiful. I wished I could escape Time for a billion little seconds just so I could stare at her face at that precise moment for a little longer… I smiled at her and made the silent promise to myself to keep those pretty lights burning in her eyes for as long as I’d live. She laid a hand on my thigh and locked eyes with me. “Together burning bright. When we crash, we’ll crash together, won’t we?”
I leaned in and kissed her. Our lips collided and I felt her warm breath on my skin. I breathed in the fire and we burned together, consumed by our foolish passion. In all my life I had never known flames so soothing as the ones she threw me in that night. We rolled on the grass like the wild things that we were. I was losing my sanity to the rhythm of our hearts, beating in harmony as our bodies danced the night away.  With her head buried in my neck, I looked up to the moon. And then I recalled how my mother once told me: you can only kill fire with fire. So I let myself completely melt underneath her loving touch and we went up in smoke.

I rested my head on her chest as she played through my hair with her precious hands; her skin smelled like smiles and sunshine. I listened carefully to every beat of her heart while I traced eights on her stomach with the tip of my index finger. “We won’t ever crash.”, I told her. “We will collide and burst into sparks. And like stubborn birds, we’ll rise from our ashes and burn again, only brighter each time. Our love will never die; we will never die.” I got up on my arms and kissed her once again. My cheeks absorbed the tears that had invaded hers and I made the night disappear.


In case you didn’t know, I’m all about horror. I write mostly horror, watch mostly horror, read mostly horror and think mostly horror. So I was quite surprised as I sat down in the darkest corner of my room last night with a cup of tea and wrote a love story, i.e. no blood, no demon, no murder, no violence, just poetry and butterflies. I blame it on the shower and the song. 😛
The words flew so smoothly, so naturally, it felt amazing! The song kept playing in repeat in my headphones and I felt like I was floating. Had ’em chills slow dancing up and down my spine while each sip of tea would warm my insides. It was a beautiful experience. I missed feeling like this. The state I’m in is always different depending on what media I’m working with but it’s always so enjoyable and so magical in its own way. I love art. I love all the weapons I have and I really only want to play them forever.
Anyways, no need to make this any longer! Let me know down in the comments if you think I did well, for a horror freak! 😉
Spread the love! ❤