A little week off. Ugh.

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This is definitely a decision I have to make against my heart’s will. But I know it’s for the best.

Although it went unnoticed for the whole month, I have been a little overwhelmed and under pressure with all these new challenges, which brought with them only more wishes/desire to get better faster. See, the thing is that I wasn’t feeling nervous at all nor stressed out, only tired, so I was confused when anxiety showed up again. And, I should’ve known better… But what it took was a phone call with my very good friend Esther to realize that was it.

For once, I guess, the ones I’ve always recognized as enemies (although as loyal as perfect allies), turned out to be trying to help me. Maybe it wasn’t the first time. What do I know?

Anyways. What that means is that, sadly, I have to stay away from the pubs and the social life this week! Well, it’s only four days, really. Plus the weekend. Which should be alright! I’d really love to go because it feels so great to perform. But I need some time to recenter myself, get in touch with all that’s happening within again and just, chill, also! Ha ha 🙂

So, this should be a pretty quiet couple of days! I have a lovely adventured planned for the weekend with my new friend Maria! But apart from that, there’s going to be loads of staying in with perhaps some solo outings again! There might be some new art to share since that’ll leave some chill time in my evenings! Speaking of, the art blog thingy is finally a thingy! All wibbly wobbly, click here guys!!

That’s it for the little update! I’m feeling good though, don’t worry. I just need to step away from the spotlight for a little while because I almost lost myself to this whole dream transition to reality madfuck trip. Getting back on my feet. I got this! 😉

What are you without me?/What you are without me

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After a two week break, I’m finally back to working on my voice and music! So, today I posted a Brandi Carlile cover on my channel: here. And I’m here to share with you something else.

It’s been a while since I wanted to do this, putting those two songs side by side in a video! At first I thought of working on a transition but then I thought “nah, fuck it”. So, no transition, just two brothers chilling together. Haha

As always, I got a lil tangled at the end of the second song but I still managed to keep a somewhat OK thingy going on there.

Anyways, no real big deal, and surely nothing new. But I think these are my two favorite songs I’ve written so far. I really like Dry Mouth also!!

Until next post, keep practicing! ❤

Blessed.

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I went to the Fota wildlife park with Esther today. We spent a solid five hours in there just walking around and contemplating the immense beauty and wit of Nature.

It was such a magical experience! I saw so many animals I had never ever seen before like kangaroos, giraffes, lions and penguins.

Now, most of the animals there are endangered species which is a heartbreaking sight. They are all so beautiful and mighty and oh so deserving of the love & life the Earth unconditionally provides. And it is a terrible fact that they are struggling to still be a part of it all..

But I’m happy to know that there are places like Fota where they can be safe and treated like they deserve.

So, it was a really beautiful day out there, with my dear friend, E! And I feel so inspired now.

This was our last Sunday together before she goes back home! Which is pretty sad but I have yet to come to terms with the feelings, as I know that we will meet again on Thursday, the day before we both leave. And, therefore I know that the last goodbye hasn’t been said yet so it’s almost like it’s not happening..

Denial aside, I’m gonna miss her! And beautiful weekends like these together also!

Anyways. I’m really tired from the whole day walking so I’m off to bed early. Can’t wait for tomorrow so I can work on music again!

I’ll end this on the sweetest picture I took today:

This is all too precious. I am thankful beyond words. It brings tears to my eyes to think of how beautiful the universe is. I swear, this is so intense! Haha

Until next post, spread the love ❤

A little sketch for Esther!

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Hi everyone!

I wanted to share with you something I drew the other day for my dear friend, E!

It is a wibbly wobbly sketch of one of the pictures we took while in Kilkenny together! Some of the proportions don’t make sense but I still think it’s lovely. Surely doesn’t bring out the beauty of her hand, though. Hehe

She is going back to her homeland pretty soon and I will miss her dearly. So, I just keep making stuff for her. Filling them with love and the silent wish that I never fade in her memories.

We always have such a good time together and it makes me so happy to know that I can trust her with my head and heart.

Three cheers for friendship!

Positive bullets #5

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Finally back with some P.B.; it’s been a while!

I’m in need for some of those bright vibes, warm reminders, to feel okay tonight. So, let’s shoot that happiness!

  • Peppermint tea!
  • When my host mom makes me tea
  • Bob Seger
  • When the sun hits the trees and they’re so colorful and bright!
  • My mom’s knitted creations!
  • Knowing that I can play the guitar right-handed AND left-handed
  • The vibrations in my body when I sing
  • Caffè Nero in town
  • Those chocolate bars that look like butts
  • Hugs
  • The way Esther says my name
  • Button mushrooms & broccoli
  • Soy sauce
  • My kitty slippers
  • Using silly words to censor myself when chatting with the kids
  • My flower-printed bed sheets
  • My yellow shoes
  • When the wind makes my dress sway gently and it feels like I’m flying
  • The way my best friend says “ah la la”, and even better, when we say it at the same time!
  • Jason Bateman he he
  • Cat videos!
  • Will Arnett’s voice
  • That feeling when I understand music theory material
  • When my fingertips hurt from playing the guitar
  • That first stretch in the morning that feels like death and life at once
  • My little pony socks
  • Peanut butter and banana toasts!!!!!

Alrighty! Five minutes out!

I do feel better now. 🙂

For those of you that have no idea wth this is: It’s a thing I started back in 2016(?) when the storm was going pretty strong. I set a timer for five minutes and I jot down things that make me smile, that make me happy, things I enjoy, etc. It serves as a reminder of the light that surrounds us. And it’s like a little positivity shot!

Sometimes you can feel lost or overwhelmed by the silliest things, so it’s always nice to sit down and remember those little sparks that brighten up your life. It’s comforting. And as you write them down, it tickles those memories in your brain, and you smile as you recall how they make you feel. And you breathe better once you’re done as you remember that there is so much good in your life, no matter the amount of darkness, no matter how worn out life can get you.

Until next post, keep your eyes peeled; the Light is here! ❤

What Are You Without Me? (Original song)

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I’m so happy to finally be able to post something again in that category! It’s nothing too wow but here’s an original song that I wrote earlier this month. It’s short but I like it that way. Hear me struggle on the guitar:

I literally wrote it in under two minutes while I was on an idea spree! Which explains a lot, I guess.. Ha ha!

If I’m being honest, it’s about how sometimes, via social medias, I check on people who are not part of my life anymore. Just to see how they’re doing, what are they doing now but, honestly, more to see if my leaving their life has caused an impossible-to-fill void somewhere. I’m exaggerating, of course. But I think that we all have those little intrusive thoughts sometimes.

Are they happier without me? Do they miss me? What has my absence changed for them?

I personally know that, for some people that left, it does feel that way. They do leave a void. Which you can’t feel but you don’t to anyways so it’s fine. But for those I’m singing about, it doesn’t. I don’t know if you heard but I don’t miss them. Ha ha!

Sometimes I simply wonder if being without me is hard for them. Because they were such dicks to me and I kept giving my best till it all collapsed. I’d feel good knowing that they do miss me and have yet to find someone to care about them the way I did. But also, I don’t care.

Anyways. Fun song! Haha

What are you without me?

I need to know you’re doing worse

I need to prove to me my own worth

I need to know you’re not better off

I know it’s selfish

But you were such a bitch

I known it’s in the past

But my heart’s still in a cast

So, tell me you miss me

Show me you need me

Cos I don’t

But if you do, then I won’t

Tell you I miss you

Tell you that I need you

Cause I don’t!

Watercolor portrait of Dee, 04.01.18

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Hi! Yesterday I was trying desperately to learn intervals on the guitar and do some sight reading too and what made it better was having Dee by my side.

For those who don’t know, Dee is the impersonation of my friendship with Esther and therefore is filled with love, darkness and weird. She gave him to me last Christmas and ever since he’s been like our little mascot! He’s always with us when we hang out!

So, as Dee had been staring at me for a couple hours and I needed a break, I figured I could use some watercolor practice and he deserved a beautiful portrait!

So here’s Dee in the woods. Sorta. Behold:

Big boy on his school picture! hehe

I’ve gotten better at watercolor since my first attempt when I bought some watercolor pencils(which have now been passed onto my best friend, Lilly)! But there’s still a long way to go…

It’s hard to control the water properly and also I have a hard time getting any details really. But I’ll get there!

I used pastel in the sky and a little bit in the dark areas below the trees too. Oh and for the black in his eyes since I don’t have black in my palette!

The trees were painted in the same style I made this watercolor back at my mom’s place last year.

I like it very much!! Took me longer than it should have but I’ve been very distracted lately and lacking energy too which renders me slower than usual.

Anyways. That’s probably gonna be my only art of the day!

I’ve got some guitar to do now and also, maybe before, go for a fucking walk to allow my mind to breathe a bit!

Just two more pictures! Side to side:

Until next post, practice, practice, practice! But don’t forget to take breaks, drink lots of water and stretch&move to keep your wonderful bodies and minds healthy! ❤

P.S.: I had forgotten to add the links to my previous posts like a silly goose I am! But it’s all fixed now! x)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ESTHER

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(this is not going to be a long post because I’ve already written her a long enough letter hehe and also I don’t have much time to write right now)

Today is Esther’s birthday! She is turning 19!

I’m really happy that she is my friend. She is so daring, caring, intelligent, funny, beautiful and much much more. She inspires me in many ways and just, really brings smiles to my face and warmth to my heart all the time.

I always rejoice in her presence, so much that, every week a part of me spends all its energy longing for the weekend when we finally meet again. We do the silliest things together and we open up our hearts too, sometimes all at once! And it’s a lovely bloody mess!

This is a beautiful thing that we have and, even though it is not my place to make a wish on this day, I surely hope that this friendship lasts and lasts and lasts…

So, anyway. Like I said, she got a letter already so I must cut this short!

I’m only here to share her birthday present which is, I quote, “the best present ever” and equally, possibly the most amazing piece I have ever created so far. Jk.

The reality of it is that it is a monstrosity that can only be appreciated by the two of us since it is a mash up of two of our inside jokes/homemade memes.

Behold, the painting:

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It is what it is. I won’t explain anything. We know and that’s what matters. Ha ha.

I spent a mere three hours working on it. Might have went faster had I not been laughing every step of the way! I swear, I was going for a simple thing and then the idea of our joke hit me and I was like “No…. YES!”. And I laid down the base for it on the canvas. And then the second one hit me and at first I was scared of what power was inspiring me such daring combination. And eventually I gave in.

It was such a fun painting to make. It’s always fun to make things for the people you love, anyway. But I mean, that one was literally funny to make! And, since she loved it so much, it makes it all even more worth it! I’m proud of it and I’m proud of us!

A couple years ago, hell, last year even(!), had you told me I would become friends with a Spanish girl I would’ve screamed “Get out of my face!”. But Life has a way to scratch you right on the itch… weird way to put it i know My many years of school had me develop a small aversion to the Spanish language so, of course, in my mind it would have been impossible. Yet, here we are. And she even has me wanting to learn Spanish again!.. Boy, if that ain’t love, I don’t know what is! 😉

I love you, Esther, tu vales mucho a mis ojos! ❤

BONUS: happy little deer with her love-infused monster

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fav person in fav coffee place with fav humor

My trip to Kilkenny with Esther! (01.20-21)

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About three weeks ago, I went to Kilkenny, Ireland, with my lovely lovely friend Esther. It was a wonderful experience, so I want to share some of it with you!

It was raining the whole weekend. Well, not so much on Saturday but, Sunday all day (Like, it never stopped one minute, I swear! Light rain but with a very consistent flow. haha). Which we had expected and which, honestly, didn’t keep us from having fun.

We stayed in a hostel (which wasn’t an amazing experience in itself but there was a dog so whatever) and it was pretty fun. It had been a while since my last sleepover with a friend (although that technically wasn’t one) and man, I missed the silly talk and the laughing… But that was only for the night and for lunch. The rest of the time, obviously, we were on different adventures!

The big lines of what we did:

  • Visit the Rothe house and its garden
  • The Smithwicks experience! (yummy)
  • Walk around in the Butler house garden + be astonished by their fancy toilets which I did not dare use btw
  • Go on a high quality ghost tour!!!
  • Sleep terribly in our dorm room 😛
  • Visit the Kilkenny Castle and garden + check out the art gallery
  • Awkwardly walk in St. Mary’s cathedral and sit so I could rest my legs
  • Walk past St Canice’s cathedral and meet a cat, a black cat in the graveyard
  • Visit the (spooky) Medevial Mile Museum

I’m not gonna do an exhaustive account of this whole adventure, obviously, I’m trying to watch my time! Instead, I’ll just tell you about the Rothe house, Smithwicks and the ghost tour which were my favorite experiences! These were the most enjoyable ones to me. I learned things from every other and it was entertaining and all, but it didn’t set off a spark in me like these three did.

The Rothe house and garden

It was literally across from the street of our hostel. So, easy peasy first stop.

The Rothe house was, hmm, pretty creepy actually. But there was so much to see, like that humongous deer head above the fireplace:

If I recall, it’s actually from an extinct species which disappeared a long long time ago. It is massive. And creepy. But I LOVED IT. They used to have the whole skeleton displayed but for conservation purposes, it was taken out of the house and put… some place else. Sorry, my memory of facts is always very vague… Ha ha!

But, honestly, aside from all the history and creaking floorboards, what got my whole heart was the garden and its numerous WOODEN DEER STATUES.

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I’m pretty sure I let out a high-pitched scream when I saw the first deer. I was so freaking happy once I realized there were so many more of them!! They were everywhere and they were beautiful!! I could not believe my eyes! I took pictures! Would’ve taken selfies with all of them but then the rain caught up with us so we kinda rushed through the end. It was b-e-a-utiful! ❤

Here are a few more pictures of what was to be found in this house (which was, if I’m not mistaken, actually three houses?). From the hilarious tapestries to the creepy dresses and mannequins, including dog bones and an amazing candle/chandelier(?).

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Just a special mention for this plate with these beautiful words engraved in it:

Dearest Earth and dearest Sun, thanks for all that you have done. Earth who gave to us this food. Sun who made it ripe and good.

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The Smithwicks Experience

(right across from the street once again hehe)

Then, the Smithwicks experience… What can I say? Our guide, Simon, was literally the best guide I’ve ever had my whole existence! There was something very captivating about him and I swear I actually learned so much about the making of their ales and others, lots of things I had no clue about. He was lovely!

We were shown short films, some machines and lots of barley! We got to taste some wort (disappointingly bland for something with a high sugar content!) and smell different hops. And then, obviously, in the end, we got to taste some of their ale. We bought upgrade tickets so we got to taste all three and man…

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I fell in love with the Smithwicks ales, I must confess. They’re delicious. My most favorite had to be the pale ale because you can really taste the flower in it. But even the red ale, as “basic” as it is, was much more than any other beer that I had in the past. I loved it so much that I bought a shirt to proudly wear!

It was a very basic experience but tasty and like I said, the guide made all the difference. ❤

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Kilkenny Ghost Tour

Now, I’ll tell you a little bit about this ghost tour…

But first, let me just mention how poor Esther and I had our private space violated by a very drunk lad while she was sipping on her ice water and I, on my red Smithwicks(*wink wink*).

We were just fooling around with snapchat filters like one does, and one of the guys just got in the frame. And then, well, you know, the endless chitchat of a very drunk lad. I wasn’t sure if I had to laugh or feel for him; so I did both. Like, big bummer… Do guys just really think life is a fucking buffet and they can just come and pick whatever they want like? They weren’t exactly the terrible type of drunk dudes in a bar but, still, you know, it never feels good. Rude intrusion and the persistence of the pest..!

But anyway, our night just got turned around when we met our guide.

Caroll, was his name if I recall. (But really, it probably wasn’t??..) We walked to him, only to find out that the tour would consist of only the three of us (what a surprise…). Of course we didn’t mind it and I think that actually made the whole night better. Ever since our Titanic experience in Cobh, I tend to get Bill Withers’ song “Just the two of us” stuck in my head whenever we do anything! Ha ha.

Caroll was an amazing story teller and also such a nice guy. We walked around the city learning about witches and banshees, and getting to know each other. The stories were chilling and the company was top quality. I am so glad it was just the two of us, we had an amazing time!

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The city was beautiful but, honestly, not as attractive to me as Cobh is. It’s lovely but I wouldn’t live there. As a matter of fact, by the end of the second day I was pretty sick of it and just wanted to go back to my sweet Cork! There’s not too much to see but what’s there is worth the trip. Pieces of history, art and heebie-jeebies to be savoured!

It was a wonderful experience, and, I have to say, so far, it has been my most wonderful travelling experience! I made some good memories guys! Yay!! 😀

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Typical fluffy tourists

 

As you might have already noticed, Dee was indeed with us in Kilkenny! I wanted to bring him with us in Cobh but, sadly, in my hurry I must’ve forgotten him. I was really happy to have him around this time! Esther got me Dee last Christmas and he is like our little mascot almost so I want to make sure he comes on all our adventures from now on!

Here’s a little slideshow of Dee in various places for you to enjoy! ❤

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Now, I’d just like to take a moment to acknowledge how truthfully thankful I am for Esther because, just like pretty much everything happening to me ever since I set foot in Cork, she’s one of those things that I thought I’d never get to know (again). I’ve been through disastrous friendships these past years and my life has definitely been all over the place, mostly down(ever since the beginning of me lolz). And even my first try at friendship here didn’t go so well. But somehow, I still held on to a bit of hope and, by the most amazing magic, Esther and I got together.

Having her by my side during this trip made everything worth it, from walking in the rain with sore legs to enduring a stupid drunk dude in a bar and the two hours and a half bus rides. I mean, she literally made me so happy… Like!

I can’t silence that voice in the back of my mind that keeps whispering “what if it all ends now? what if she too leaves? what if it’s the only way and she doesn’t care as much as you?”. I can’t silence it. But I don’t let it stop me from enjoying it; while it lasts. This whole friendship thing feels very new to me. She makes me happy and treats me like a person, she cheers me up and stops me when I get too stupid and we grab coffees together, we go on adventures together and we… We’re friends. The real kind. The good kind. ❤

We can be happy together, miserable together, silly and also very serious. I’m comfortable around you. You make me feel happier, stronger and God, I swear, I am so fucking thankful. I am glad that I survived long enough to meet you, Esther. Here’s to us! And here’s to more of us!  ❤

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P.S.: Can’t believe I almost forgot to mention that! While we were walking in the graveyard of St. Mary’s cathedral, we crossed paths with a black cat. Like…. Wow. It was raining and we were in a graveyard and he just came. At first I was like “spooky!”. Especially since it was on Sunday morning, after our ghost tour the night before! But of course, first instinct was still to try and pet him. He was just at home out there. He was like “move away, peasants” but then he gave in. He didn’t really care for my caresses. He was trying to catch the crows. The big black crows just being crows in a graveyard. Perfect scenery! Ha ha ha

 

Bonus deer:

Nostrum is 3 months old!

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…And, sadly, this is how she spent the day:

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I woke up with some tension in my right arm this morning and rather than being bold and pushing through the soreness, I made the responsible choice of not touching the guitar at all today. Which was terrible and rendered me under-productive on this merry day! I wish we could’ve had some nice jam time together to celebrate our three months together, but it was for the best…

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Spending my day with the brace on my right wrist brought back some memories of 2016 with Glitch and so much bullshit. I remembered the struggle and I tried my best to be brave through it, and patient. I had my muscle relaxing oil, my special cream, my ice patch and my snuggly Emily around to care for me. Although it did get me very frustrated now and then, I frowned a lot but did not cry, and I had a lovely day with the kids.

I’m not gonna lie, it is super hard to try and force my brain to use mostly my left hand in these situations. Although I have been lately incorporating more and more left-hand activities in my daily life in order to actually become ambidextrous (and avoid any more days like these due to overworking my right hand/arm)… It does not make it easier. Because there is the factor of constraint involved and that makes it harder on me. But anywhoooo, I made it through the day, huh?!

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Mid hide&seek selfie

I still got to work a bit on a DIY cardboard shelf I’m making to gain space in my tiny bedroom(yes, I’ll post about it later on haha). And, after I’m done with this post, I’m going to to do some online Italian/music theory exercises (that won’t involve my right hand) or maybe even do some more left-handed writing if my eyes aren’t too tired. I played some cool games this evening with the kids and we had a very smooth transition to bedtime and they’re sound asleep now. It is my second night babysitting in a row but I’m not complaining; we love each other and it’s always a good time!

Today was a bit of a bummer because I’m dying for hard work right now and there’s always something, and I end up working way less than I intend to! But I should definitely celebrate all my progress and most importantly, celebrate having the exact guitar that I wanted by my side in this moment. She’s a beauty & she’s mine!

It’s hard to believe that she is here with me but, once again, this is fact not fiction and g*d does it feel so good! We’re making progress, step by step, we’ll get there! And I’m happy I have her because, even on days where I don’t play at all, Nostrum keeps me company and just like a good friend, even in the silence, my heart she tends. It’s weird but it’s real.

Happy birthday my dear Nostrum! And here’s to more existence together! ❤

(I’m super tired now, might as well just post this and hop into bed, rest that arm some more! I’ll get work done tomorrow!)