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Three covers with Lady R.


Reunited at last. And as much as I don’t feel comfortable playing right-handed anymore, I can still enjoy some time with Revenge when I’m home. That’s a good feeling! ❤

So, enjoy three videos I made this afternoon with my little brother’s tablet and witness the confusion. I actually still suck pretty bad at playing & singing, but doing it as a right-handed with songs I barely just learnt is harder. Ha ha!

 

Until next post, keep working hard towards your goals and don’t let frustration or life or people discourage you from making whatever you wish into a reality. ❤

 

Untitled acrylic on paper, 2.16.17


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So, I kind of (totally) ruined the face on my portrait and  now I can’t bring myself to go back to working on it just yet. I had two pretty shitty days. Not completely shitty. Rather bittersweet but really tough on that bitter part. The taste still haunts the back of my mouth.

Anyways, so I painted this today instead of working on the portrait. I’m like really happy with how it turned out. All the colors put together and the texture and wow. Shame though that my pictures don’t really let it shine through. However, I have noticed that the pictures that I take on my phone do look a little better while I’m on my computer so I actually have a small hope now that you might see it in a slightly better quality that I do. I can NOT see the turquoise at the bottom of the painting on my phone, it’s like dark blue and on the computer is better. So yeah. Still frustrated though. Ha ha!16808739_1361814600552612_2145723990_n

I didn’t give this painting a name. It just doesn’t have one. It’s filled with sadness, hope and dreams is all I can say. I painted it while listening to a playlist of Wet’s songs on youtube. I just love their music and sometimes it’s really all I need to listen to.

I still haven’t completely lost my mind. But I hardly see myself surviving another month without a guitar in my bed. It’s just so hard, you know. I mean, I already don’t have a cat or a dog or anything, which is bad enough considering I grew up with pets and it’s such an empty life without at least one around. But no guitar just makes this whole thing more pointless. I can feel all my energy just being drained from my body and mind and pretty soon I’ll be a more literal mess.

I also am putting a lot of pressure on myself because this is important and it feels like it’s been three years since I last played. I have barely a one-year experience as left-handed player and it can just fade so fast in such short time. I’m gonna go crazy over guitar practice when I buy a new one because I’m just crazy about this whole thing and I’ve been slacking off so much ever since I was born and I gotta work or I’ll never get anywhere I’d like to. This is horrible.

Good things are coming my way in a little less than two weeks. There’s the rock show, the singing lessons, going to Paris to meet Kim and just, you know, still breathing! But right now, it just weighs on me a lot and it’s fucking hard. I’m still pushing through which is great, I guess. Not giving up, that’s good. But you know, I won’t lie. It’s really hard on me. And the mess I made with my portrait just kicked me down too. I’m in a real fragile place right now which makes me even more sensitive than usual.

I keep trying to be positive to make things fall into place thanks to the power of a positive mind, you know. But I’m like, on the floor right now and can’t get that frown off my face. I really hope I can manage to buy that guitar next month.

Alright, this post is going nowhere. So I’ll just end it here. If I keep writing, it’ll just be me saying on and on how tired I am and how my mind is cracking and I NEED GUITARASDFGHJKL

Fruits & vegetables ❤

Slow, slow, sloooow days (without Glitch)


It’s been really hard ever since I got back for me to get anything done. Time stands still or runs like a thief, either way I’m left starving on the floor. As much as this is frustrating and irritating because, now more than ever, I really feel the importance of working hard and harder at what matters to me, I’ve gotta go with the flow. I might not be working as hard as I should and being productive enough to spit on past-me’s lazy face, but I’m building the bigger steps for my future. Then I’ll have to do all the running.

Last week I sold my guitar.

You WHAT?

I sold Glitch; last week…

Why?

To have money. Although I sold it for a ridiculously low price cos I was in a hurry.

WHY?

I know it sounds crazy but hear me out, it was to buy a flight ticket back home for July/August…

Oh… So you’re just letting go of your foolish dreams?

Heck no! I’ll be leaving for Ireland in August/September, one way (as an au pair) or another (God help me). So I need to see my family and home before the big jump because I don’t know when I’ll afford to be back there again.

So now I feel really alone. x) I mean, no guitar?! How is one supposed to survive that? I can’t even sing freely confined in this room. My fingers are crying because they are not hurting anymore. And my days just feel so empty! I love drawing, painting and writing stories. And usually I go well about alternating all these activites all day long. But without a guitar around, it just doesn’t feel okay. Because it is all I can do and I’m not really passionate about these as I am with playing music. I love it but it’s like with a guitar-less room, my energy is almost non-existant. I’ve started many paintings and have been doodling a bit in my sketchbooks but I lack the “!!!”. Know what I mean?

Still pushing through though and doing as much as I can even if that means a few brush strokes per day; that’s okay. I might lack the energy and maybe a bit of will too on some days, but as long as I still try I think it’s okay. I know I should be doing more but I really just can’t do more. It’s really hard to explain but really, when Glitch left it left me with an acutal whole in my chest. I will survive but I’m not sure I’ll get my “!!!” back until I have another guitar by my side. So, until then I still do things even if my focus is down to -69% and my energy’s just a ghost I see on pictures and cry thinking about in my bed at night.

Just a little recap of what’s been done-ish:

*I’ve changed the theme of my website but still haven’t dealt with the shitty categories yet. Pretty sure I’ll change it again though. I just can’t seem to understand what it is that I want it to look like. Ugh!

*I’m working on a self-portrait + exploring with new art supplies I bought.

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A quote of my own character in my sketchbook; YES

*I’m not actively looking for a host family but I’ve created an account and I log on it everyday to check some families out.

*I’ve money saved for a new guitar which I’ll only afford next month.

*I’ve got a start for Uncage the Night‘s chapter VIII but it’s shit and took me FOREVER. I’m okay with that, I just really need a full first draft of the chapter to be able to write a nice one from!

*I’ve reached out to a lovely woman for singing classes. Nothing’s happened yet but it’s on its way. Safe way to make progress as I’ve barely been working on my singing ever since I moved in this lovely dorm room.

Ever since I got back, I got these uhm…. I guess that’s what you call breakthroughs or is it wake up calls?? I realized a lot of obvious things but you know, the kind that’s too obvious for your to see?

I remember I was sitting at my “desk” and it just hit me. And then I was so mad at myself. This is my third year of college. THIRD. And it’s all been mostly a waste of energy and time! I didn’t learn much if not through the bad things that’s happened on the sides. It’s made my mental health slightly worse than it used to be. I didn’t really make friends; only lost the few I had. I’ve been basically killing myself over something that has literally no value to my eyes. I was so mad at myself because I’m the only reason for that, I’m the mastermind behind all this nonsense. What kind of silly person puts herself through all of this without even once stopping and thinking, hey,maybe I should just stop doing what makes me unhappy and go with my damn GUTS AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING I LIKE AND DOESNT KILL ME INSIDE OR IF IT DOES AT LEAST IS WORTH THE BLOODSHED????

Anyways, my point is that all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere it HIT ME right in the fucking face. Now I’m full of that “done” feeling. Done with my own fucking bullshit but you wanna know the funny part? I’m kind of stuck in the mess I made. I can’t exactly leave right now for many reasons which I won’t waste time typing. So, I really do have to wait for August/September to leave. Fun, right? Where did that past year even go, I wonder…

So that’s just me these days. Done, done, DONE. With pretty much everything. I want out, NEED out. But I’m stuck here for a few more months… I know that I should make the best of the time I have left but I need a way to galvanize this dying body and mind if I want to get anything done. I can’t just lie around and wait, no fucking more. I’ve done that enough. I wanna do things so I will do things. And first I’ll find a way to get some energy back because waiting for my guitar to bring me back to life will drive me crazy.

So that’s it I guess. Now you know. Glitch is gone but I’m getting myself back and I’m taking my life back too. It’s about damn fucking time I realized that don’t you think? I felt so stupid and was so mad. I’m fine now. I’ve actually been doing fine. Really frustrated, but fine. I feel like, even though I didn’t get enough, I did stock up on fuel and candles at home and it’s helping me a lot right now even though Glitch stole a piece of my soul. TTwTT

Let’s hope that next post is either the damn chapter or a poem or a painting or a drawing and not just another that. x)

Until then, take care of yourselves and cherish your guitars ❤

My (new) life with Glitch


It’s been a little more than four months now that I’m learning the guitar as a left-handed and it is safe to say I’ve made more progress than I did in three years as a right-handed player. Now, I don’t know if I learnt faster just because I already knew things and only had to pass the knowledge from one limb to the other or if it’s more because as a right-handed person my right hand is therefore more qualified to press down the strings and move along the neck; maybe a bit of both.

I remember in January when I was having an inner debate about waiting until my finger stops hurting to start playing again or not wasting any more time and buying a left-handed guitar, starting over but giving it my all this time. It didn’t take me very long to make up my mind. I’m turning 20 this year and I still haven’t reached any important steps when it comes to making my dreams come true. I’m not an exception to the rule, I don’t have infinite time and I’ve got to jump in the train soon if I want to enjoy the ride for a looooong time. So I bought it. And eventually, after a week or two of staring at it from a distance “thinking oh my gosh, what is this thing, how am I going to do this?”, I started practicing a bit each day.

I needed that period of getting accustomed to just seeing a left-handed guitar in front of me and holding it in my own two hands. It felt so weird. Everything looked backwards and it made no sense. My brain had this same reaction it has when I try to understand paradoxes or sometimes even simpler things, which is a mix of being frozen and empty while heating up like crazy. My body did  the same thing it did the first few times I tried singing while playing: it stopped, created a void inside my head and my voice couldn’t make a single sound. That’s how much disoriented I was, how lost I was. And that’s where her name comes from. It was a reality hard to accept but that I eventually got used to. And hopefully, I’m not feeling the same way now when I look at right-handed guitars. Well, I might slightly cringe sometimes but it’s definitely not the same feeling!

I sincerely was truly surprised to see how easily I made my first steps in the lefty musicians world. I believed deep down that I would succeed -I had to- but a big part of me was also pretty scared of not being able of doing such an absurd thing. I got better really quickly, I didn’t even have time to realize my progress. I made a few videos for a personal video journal and it shows. The progress comes out of the blue. Though I did work a bit everyday, I did not work as hard as I probably should have had. I just played a bit, sometimes not even for thirty minutes a day. And still, each week that went by I was a higher step(speaking of baby steps here, haha, I still suck big time even after all the steps I took) than before. Let me just give you an example right now about Paramore’s In The Mourning: last week my left hand could barely move its fingers smoothly enough to keep up with the simple finger picking pattern of the song and this week, they were able to do it slowly and faster. Just, where did that come from? Maybe after all I have too much big expectations of reality and ain’t aware of the progress I make because I’m always aiming higher. I don’t really know. But that’s probably it. 😛

I can strum, I can play chords, power chords, I can even do some finger picking! I might suck at doing them, but at least I can do them. The first time I picked Glitch up with the intention of playing, my left hand could barely motion a down strum and my right hand’s fingers didn’t even seem to extend enough to play a simple E chord. Maybe I’m still far from being called a decent player but at least I can do things even if poorly. And that’s one thing to be proud of! Who would’ve thought it was so easy to go from right-handed to left-handed guitarist? Or maybe it’s just me… 😕

So, four months in and I can already do things that took me a year to master the first time. And that makes me really happy and confident regarding my future. I still have so much work in front of me, so much left to learn but I can do it, I truly understand that now. I can do it whatever it is that I want to do and that I dare believing I can do. I’ve always preached this to my friends and quite frankly never imagined I would be a living proof! If you set your mind to do something, then there’s nothing stopping you. It’s all about the willpower, about seizing control and paving your own way.

I’ve come a long way ever since this year started. And actually ever since I -literally- flew out of the nest to reach for the stars. Who would’ve thought that leaving my homeland and family, cutting my finger and enduring non-important people’s bullshit could have brought so much good in my life? I’ve been hurt, physically and emotionally, and the funny part is that it was always my fault. But for once I won’t have to be mad at myself for bringing such mayhem into my life because this mayhem is a beautiful one in spite of all the blood and tears. And honestly, seeing myself progress rather fast at playing guitar and singing, it makes me confident about the near future and even the further one, and makes everything else seem tinier than it is. I look in the mirror and I see myself a little closer to the door that leads to my road. And all the scars my heart and soul bear, they still hurt but I have this hope of making my dream come true and it makes it all seem worth it. I am going to make that dream come true and I know that this won’t take away any misery but it’s gonna give a meaning to my life. Even if it doesn’t chase away the rain, making music for a living with a band that I will find or that will find me soon enough now, it will be my solid ground and that will be my world. This band will be my new lungs. I don’t where this paragraph is heading, really, I’m out of words so I’ll just leave it pending here for future-me to complete maybe. 😉

So, thank you past-me for having been too enthusiastic about cutting that tiny tie rap on that spatula you bought just to make scrambled eggs, and for staining Leslie’s floor and scaring both of you to a level you had forgotten existed. And thank you for putting your trust and love and giving so much of your soul to people that took it all and stole more, only giving back stones and knives. Because, when I’ll look back, in between the stains of blood, the sounds of pain and the echoes of my tears, I’ll see strength, I’ll see hope, and I’ll see a human. And I’m sorry that you had to suffer for me to re-learn the value of things, but if that can make you feel better, I am the one hurting for future-us.

Glitch & Crash chilling on a pile of clothes


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Look at my two babies chilling together! I went through a lot to get these two and it’s worth remembering…

 

I bought Crash last year on March, 2nd (and I just screamed because I JUST realized that I MISSED his birthday… 😦 ) after Twenty One Pilots’ Tyler Joseph talked me into it(I swear he did… Through his awesomeness and songs! 😀 ). I remember I was trying to write a song for my best friend with Revenge(which was my first electric guitar, a right-handed one! I shall write a post about her one of these days, she deserves it!) and trying to put other words into melodies but I just couldn’t get it right. So I thought “why not buy a uke? It sounds fun and I think it’ll help me unblock whatever it is that is block or at least just take a break from playing just the guitar”. #actualthoughts

I was staying at my sister’s for college and the only piano which our family owned(which is a very old electric one) was at our mom’s place and I was really not getting anywhere with Revenge so I bought it. I remember it didn’t get delivered at the flat because, for whatever reason, they had come early in the morning(and by early I mean 9AM probably…) and didn’t even call. So I had to take a bus – and I, of course, dragged Leslie through all this with me – and go to a somewhat far place to grab my uke. It was a nice little adventure and I was so excited. I still remember when we sat at the bus stop and I got him out of the box he was in so I could put him in his Gator soft case. He had this amazing smell – and still has today – and I was seduced. It’s got to be the smell of the wood or something but I love it. Every time I smell it, it reminds me of the sun of my home and of the food I ate at the university refectory(they had these amazing chicken kebabs, on Mondays if I recall, with french fries!!!! And there was also this dude that was always there and I liked seeing him, nothing more to it! 😛 )and of a lot of good things.

So, Crash is an electro-acoustic soprano ukulele. More precisely the Eagletone Coconut S20EQ electro acoustic ukulele. And above all else, he’s my friend(as sad as this may sound). He’s really important to me. Like, a little earlier this year I was considering selling him to get a few money to save to go to UK. This is one of the worst idea I ever had. I’m glad I didn’t. He smells so good and even though he’s not perfect, I like his sound and I love when we make music together! 😀

 

And then, there’s Glitch(a beautiful green left-handed Eastwood Airline Bighorn) which I got on January, 5th of this year. After three months of my left index finger healing from the – huuuuuge(not) – and me desperately waiting, I finally understood that my finger, even though it healed okay, wouldn’t allow me to play guitar as a right-handed anymore. It took me three months to realize that. But when I realized it, I immediately ordered it on woodbrass.com. I remember it was a rainy day and after that I was broke and survived with sardines and bread. Ha ha! But it was worth it all.

Went to the post office to pick it up – because AGAIN I missed the delivery – and with that same friend, Leslie! 😉 The package was so light I was scared there was nothing in it. When I arrived at my house and opened it, God, it was so shiny! First thing I did was take a picture to show my mom why I would be leaving under a bridge in a few months! 😛

One of the best thing that happened to me this year. I mean, she even made cutting my finger sound like the best thing ever! I’ve been a left-handed player for almost four months now and I’ve made progress so much faster than I did with Revenge and probably mostly because I have only now realized how much I wanted music to be a part of my life and how easily things could be taken away from me.

I have only two hands, this my second but surely also my last one. I can’t mess this up. Music is all I am so I’ll do more than just my best to keep it in my life. I don’t see myself doing anything else and sincerely, if this dream is taken away from me my heart will cease to pump blood in my veins and I would cease to exist. I don’t see the point of a life without music. And I surely can’t picture MY life without music.

 

Here’s to us! Here’s to dreams! Here’s to the present! Here’s to food! Here’s to the future! And here’s to bleeding fingers!

New guitar accessories!


I had a major freak out last night. Let me explain!
I ordered a few things for Glitch last Friday and it was supposed to be delivered on Monday between 8:00 and 11:00am. I woke up at 7:30 on Monday and waited behind my front door until past 12:00 expecting a call or a knock on the door and got nothing. I didn’t eat nor go to the toilet nor go back upstairs to pick up my music theory book in case someone were to knock on the door and I would miss it.
I checked on the website many times and around 5pm, it was written that my order couldn’t be delivered that day. I was really mad and when I made some research about the company, I stumbled upon way too many comments saying that they were the worst ever, and that they would sometimes steal the order and apply a fake signature on the little machine they have. Some people even waited a whole week before receiving their order and others found their order in pitiful condition.
Safe to say, that reading all those negative comments got me worried and ruined my mood(yes, it managed to survive the whole morning wasted behind a door without peeing but this was too much). I put my computer away and watched Scream 2 with my housemate. Had a bit of a lame night of sleep too.
But woke up this morning with a startle(from a dream where I kept checking my mail to see if there was a re-schedule for my order’s delivery… very much obsessed, yes!)as a strange man called me to ask me if it was “still okay” to give me my order as it was already past 11am. I couldn’t believe it.
Anyways, I got my things today and I’d rather forget about all this!

So, there you go: the interesting part of this post!
I got a few new picks

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from top to bottom: 1mm, 0.98mm, 0.94mm, 0.92mm

I really love the Dracula one. These three are from HotPicks, they’ve got really nice stuff on their website! I got them for 0.25€ each if I recall but that’s because I ordered with woodbrass and they usually sell things a little less expensive than most. Continue reading

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These arrived in the mail yesterday…


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I finally received the three music theory books I ordered and needless to say they arrived right on time(i.e. right when I was feeling down about pretty much everything and losing hope)!

I got the 3 volumes in 1 of William Leavitt’s A Modern Method for Guitar ($20.79), Tom Kolb’s Music Theory for Guitarists: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know But Where Afraid to Ask ($14.59) and Michael Pilhofer’s Music Theory For Dummies ($18.55) on Amazon. I read a lot of articles about which were to be considered the “best” music theory books out there and ended up with a list of 15 books if I recall. I tried to keep the price the lowest possible and still keep consistent books so I picked those.

I think I made the right choice. Now, I haven’t read any of them yet but I flipped through the pages a bit and here’s what I gathered from a first look:
The Music Theory For Dummies seems to be a very easy to understand book and it is accompanied with audio tracks online which you can download for free.
The Music Theory for Guitarists seems really awesome too. It also includes the access to audio tracks online (for download or streaming) with a code that is inside the book. It appears to be easy to understand and a good tool to get to learn theory through your guitar.
And last but not least, the 3 volumes in 1 of A Modern Method for Guitar is surely the more thorough of my three new books. It has a lot of exercises, a lot of information.

I’ll probably update later as I make my journey through each of them.