Dry Mouth (Original Song)

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Here’s a song I wrote a couple of weeks ago about not being able to write songs:

My voice had some trouble coming out (you should have heard me warming up… a disaster! hehe) and my fingers had forgotten how to dance, but in my opinion, this is still pretty decent. Especially with the huge lack of practice + unhealthy amount of caffeine in my body!

I will be recording a better video next week, but for now that’ll be it! I’ve just been dying to share it, and after those long four days of break, I was bursting to share it.

The ending still needs some work. Which, of course, you can’t really tell since I mess it up in this video, haha! But overall, I think this is a really good song. I love the melody and how the chorus picks up.

I think it accurately describes my frustration and this longing… I just want to create but, sometimes it just won’t happen, and it kills me because this is how I breathe. And like I have mentioned, I do have loads of song ideas, drafts and things to say; but it won’t come out.

And I think it is funny how this song literally dropped out of my mouth while I was crying about not being able to finish the others. It’s almost the exact same story as when I wrote Dead Pen a couple of years back!

Round in circles…

Anyways, I don’t have time to chat right now! I must work on my Italian now and then finish working on special presents for E!

Here are the words that did come out:

It’s not that I don’t have anything to say
It’s just that my words have left me
It’s not that my heart isn’t broken
It’s just that my mouth is dry

I’ve been waiting for so long
For the words to fall right out
But my guts refuse to bleed
So I’ll just have to wait here

I hear my voice but I don’t know who she is
I write down words but they mean nothing to me
I stab my own heart but the blood it won’t come out
It’s just like my soul is dry

I’ve been waiting for so long
For my hands to dance freely
My fingers refuse to bleed
So I’ll just have to wait…

I’ll wait forever if I have to
It’s nothing without me, I’m nothing without this
I’ll wait…
I just don’t wanna fade..

I’ve been waiting for so long
For my voice to burst right out
But my heart it just won’t show
So I’ll just have to wait.

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In the Mourning by Paramore||cover

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I posted a cover of a Paramore song on my YouTube channel today, and it’s not perfect.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it is terrible. I know it’s okay and that I am actually good at the things I love doing. But that doesn’t make me any less aware of my mistakes and when there’s room for improvement.

What I am saying is that I am simply not ready to actually perform this, not even just to my host family. Ha ha But I’m getting there!!

There were mistakes that could’ve been avoided and I could’ve simply tried again for a better take. Then why did I post it? Because I wanted to. Ha!

Although I know I could’ve done better, I’m still happy with what I did. And posting it online just helped me realize that I have indeed been working. I had a really slow morning where I felt like I wasted most of my time and I was beating myself up over it. But after I posted this on my channel, it showed me that I was actually doing work and trying hard and that I needed to chill my horses.

That’s why I keep posting clips on Instagram and sometimes unpolished videos on YouTube, because it comes with instant feel-goodness. There’s a faint feeling of fulfillment whenever I post it, no matter how much room for improvement there is. I’m like, “yes, I did a thing” and what better thing for an artist to make a thing?

Also, I need to keep track of and document my progress as I go. Not only because I’m lacking storage space on my phone. (hehe) And honestly, I think I am responsible for than half of the views on my own videos/posts because I’m always going back to see where I come from and how much I’ve improved!

Like Philip Toledano put it, “there are two requirements to be an artist: to be narcissistic and to be delusional. Can’t lie; I’m guilty of both to some extent. Let’s not forget a pinch of self-doubt and an exaggerated amount of perfectionism? Alright, I’ll work on my definition…

Anyways. I’m over waiting for it to be perfect to put it out there! People need to be aware that things don’t happen overnight, that the road is long and also that humans are only humans. Just put it out there. You’ll get better, and that way, it’ll show.

Until next post, don’t be so hard on yourself! ❤

Nostrum is 3 months old!

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…And, sadly, this is how she spent the day:

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I woke up with some tension in my right arm this morning and rather than being bold and pushing through the soreness, I made the responsible choice of not touching the guitar at all today. Which was terrible and rendered me under-productive on this merry day! I wish we could’ve had some nice jam time together to celebrate our three months together, but it was for the best…

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Spending my day with the brace on my right wrist brought back some memories of 2016 with Glitch and so much bullshit. I remembered the struggle and I tried my best to be brave through it, and patient. I had my muscle relaxing oil, my special cream, my ice patch and my snuggly Emily around to care for me. Although it did get me very frustrated now and then, I frowned a lot but did not cry, and I had a lovely day with the kids.

I’m not gonna lie, it is super hard to try and force my brain to use mostly my left hand in these situations. Although I have been lately incorporating more and more left-hand activities in my daily life in order to actually become ambidextrous (and avoid any more days like these due to overworking my right hand/arm)… It does not make it easier. Because there is the factor of constraint involved and that makes it harder on me. But anywhoooo, I made it through the day, huh?!

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Mid hide&seek selfie

I still got to work a bit on a DIY cardboard shelf I’m making to gain space in my tiny bedroom(yes, I’ll post about it later on haha). And, after I’m done with this post, I’m going to to do some online Italian/music theory exercises (that won’t involve my right hand) or maybe even do some more left-handed writing if my eyes aren’t too tired. I played some cool games this evening with the kids and we had a very smooth transition to bedtime and they’re sound asleep now. It is my second night babysitting in a row but I’m not complaining; we love each other and it’s always a good time!

Today was a bit of a bummer because I’m dying for hard work right now and there’s always something, and I end up working way less than I intend to! But I should definitely celebrate all my progress and most importantly, celebrate having the exact guitar that I wanted by my side in this moment. She’s a beauty & she’s mine!

It’s hard to believe that she is here with me but, once again, this is fact not fiction and g*d does it feel so good! We’re making progress, step by step, we’ll get there! And I’m happy I have her because, even on days where I don’t play at all, Nostrum keeps me company and just like a good friend, even in the silence, my heart she tends. It’s weird but it’s real.

Happy birthday my dear Nostrum! And here’s to more existence together! ❤

(I’m super tired now, might as well just post this and hop into bed, rest that arm some more! I’ll get work done tomorrow!)

Welcome home, dear Nostrum!

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On October 11th, a dream I had for about eight months now came true. I got my new guitar and it turned my life around once more.

Since I have finally named her, I can, at last, write about it on my lovely lovely messy website. And today marks her two months anniversary, so it is the perfect opportunity!

 

When she arrived I was so overwhelmed I had to live chat with my mom and brother just so I could open the box and see her with my own two eyes. When the outburst of emotions finally chillaxed, I proceeded to take many many pictures with her– of course! I haven’t been playing with her every single day like I’d love to but we’ve spent lots of time together these past two months, and it was pretty sweet. I missed this so much!

From my two brown eyes’ point of view, a relationship with an instrument, just like any other, is also very spiritual; it’s not all about the touching and the strumming… There’s much more to it; soul-food, magic; an instrument can be, or maybe, should be, more than “just it“. It’s a friend, a partner in crime, a weapon to brandish at the sky and howl at the moon with. I mean, it’s not just an instrument; when you create with it, you allow this deep and sincere connection to exist because you let yourself be vulnerable, you let it see your insides and you willingly share your private parts with it. And, no, this is not just a poetic excuse for my slacking off! 😛

It took me a few days to actually start practicing with her because I needed time to adjust and accept her as a new part of my life. But even without practicing with her, the link between our two selves grows. In fact, I instantly felt connected to her once I put her in my room. And now that I’ve been playing more frequently, I feel closer and closer to her and I think that’s why I was finally able to get a feel for a name! So let’s talk about it for a bit, shall we?

The name…

Nostrum (n.)

  • a medicine made by the person who recommends it, sold with exaggerated or false claims with no actual proof of its efficiency
  • “quack medicine”
  • cure-all;
  • a pet scheme for solving issues, mainly social or political ones
  • panacea
  • my left-handed Epiphone Les Paul Custom Pro

Honestly, I did not really give too much thought to it. I was just fooling around with my “word of the day” app on my phone and it showed up and I was like “Oooh…”.

What got me was the “quack medicine” part. Because music and art is what I turn to in my dark times and if you’d ask me, I’d recommend it to solve any issue, soothe any burn, heal any wound and I’d assure you it is THE cure you need. And I like to sprinkle a pinch of doubt on everything, because it is necessary and also I do find it funny? So, using that word to name my weapon of choice is that for me. Meaningful and funny. Also, “no strum”… I mean, come on! I love it.

On a more serious tone, as much as she definitely is not a cure-all, Nostrum is a very good friend. Like, I remember writing on my Instagram one night how she already knew my heart even though we had barely just met.

[…] There’s nothing like music. And nothing like a fancy varnished piece of wood that allows your heart to bleed shamelessly and doesn’t condemn silence. She can already hear what I haven’t even thought yet.” I remember; I had had a rough day (emotionally speaking) but I didn’t have to work the afternoon so I managed to shower and focus on myself; I picked her up and even though I was doing some tedious theory practice, it fixed my mood. We do have a connection. It was an instant one and it grows with every breath, with every strum and every sigh. *You Raise Me Upppp starts playing in the back*IMG_20171011_195825_142.jpg

This is a piece of paper that came with Nostrum and it perfectly put it into words.

Remember it is one of your most intimate possessions–closer to you perhaps than anything else you may own. For it is the voice of the music within you, singing or sighing with your mood and forever faithful to your innermost whims. […] Give it the best you have and the best will come back to you.

Your instrument is an intimate friend and a door to your intimate parts. It knows you. And there is magic happening when you get together…

On working together…

It has been two months now and I have managed to gain back my very few left-handed skills.

For the record, I’ve been through so many changes I’m surprised my hands&brain didn’t get motion-sickness? Was right-handed, had to learn left-handed, then play right-handed again, then not play at all for so long, then play right-handed again, and then play left-handed again. I’m not gonna lie, frustration has been around a couple of times and I felt like banging my head on the walls way too many times. But I’m back on the left side now and I’m feeling good! My strumming is coming back nicely, finger-picking is doing okay and fretting hand isn’t so flexible but we’re getting there.

Just like when I first transitioned to left-handedness, the progress made was surprisingly fast and I am happy it was so. I should be able to write music again now but I’m not sure how fast that is going to happen! Ha ha. But I will. I’ll squeeze it out if I have to! I need to.

I’ve been considering many things like open mics and even busking. I will do them. But I still need some more practice and also songs to play… But I’m getting good enough to at least do a very simple performance on an open mic one night, I think. My host parents were talking with me about it and they said we should be going together to help me get started. And I think I could really use their presence!

Now that I think about it, I’ve never done anything like it before. I’ve never performed in front of more than one person at once! Well, sure when I was a kid we did some shows at the end of the school year, but I gotta admit I used to pretend to sing because I didn’t give a shit and it was pretty lame. My only real stage performances were during my high-school years with theater. I did pretty good then.

I love being on a stage and it somehow makes my performances better. I swear, during rehearsals I was okay, even pretty good sometimes, but on stage, I’d deliver so much more and it would feel much better also! I can’t wait to actually perform as a musician because once I start I am never gonna stop!

Nostrum and I

A new guitar marked the beginning of yet another chapter in this second volume of my life and it had to be marked also with a new picture; mandatory! So, I tried recreating the picture of Glitch and I because it looked pretty cool! However, I was not able to… (achieve the same level of coolness cos I’m an old woman trapped in a 21-year-old body)

I tried the same position at first but it wouldn’t work out. So instead, I went for what came naturally. I tried many different poses but I could not get it to feel the same. I thought that maybe with the editing after, I could get it right. But it did not happen. And then I understood why: everything is different and no amount of editing could copy all that misery and darkness onto my brighter self.

Things have changed. Things have remained the same. I’ve grown. I’ve shrunk. I’ve learned; I’ve forgotten. But the promise is still a thing. My dreams are still a thing. My fighting on never giving up is still a thing. I’m still a thing. Just a better thing! I’m not as miserable, not as lost and not surrounded by so much bullshit anymore. I am not wasting my time anymore; I’m doing things and I’m loving brighter.

This little family of mine has underwent many changes. Friends have died, friends have left, friends have been thrown away. Glitch was sold, Crash was given with love to my amazing best friend, Lilly. We’ve been desperate, at the bottom of the whole and on the edge of the cliff. We’ve drown and learned to swim. We’ve died and dived back in. But Nostrum is here to stay. And we’ll do great things together, mark my words!

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This is my favorite picture of us so far because of the light and my yellow sweater.

I’ve entered a new chapter, bigger chapter of my life and this bright light is devouring me but the shadows are still here, creeping on me. But you’ll notice how darkness and light coexist perfectly. There’s room for both of them and worth in both of them.

Yellow is a beautiful color and has always been my favorite (*wink wink* Winnie the Pooh). It’s bright and strong and warm but also is the color of some fallen leaves in autumn, the undertone of my skin color (thx mama) and… that’s it! I love pairing it with black and grey! Three cheers for yellow!!!

That light is Ireland. That light is me. That light is my darkness. That light is my new friends my Irish family and all that’s new and that’s yet to come. That light is so bright it covers my smile and you have Nostrum and I in the middle of it all, so close together and ready to take it on.

Welcome home, Nostrum! I will love you and we will love together. I’m looking forward to creating art together and performing it and painting life a brighter shade of black together.

Cheers guys! ❤

Three covers with Lady R.

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Reunited at last. And as much as I don’t feel comfortable playing right-handed anymore, I can still enjoy some time with Revenge when I’m home. That’s a good feeling! ❤

So, enjoy three videos I made this afternoon with my little brother’s tablet and witness the confusion. I actually still suck pretty bad at playing & singing, but doing it as a right-handed with songs I barely just learnt is harder. Ha ha!

 

Until next post, keep working hard towards your goals and don’t let frustration or life or people discourage you from making whatever you wish into a reality. ❤

 

Untitled acrylic on paper, 2.16.17

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So, I kind of (totally) ruined the face on my portrait and  now I can’t bring myself to go back to working on it just yet. I had two pretty shitty days. Not completely shitty. Rather bittersweet but really tough on that bitter part. The taste still haunts the back of my mouth.

Anyways, so I painted this today instead of working on the portrait. I’m like really happy with how it turned out. All the colors put together and the texture and wow. Shame though that my pictures don’t really let it shine through. However, I have noticed that the pictures that I take on my phone do look a little better while I’m on my computer so I actually have a small hope now that you might see it in a slightly better quality that I do. I can NOT see the turquoise at the bottom of the painting on my phone, it’s like dark blue and on the computer is better. So yeah. Still frustrated though. Ha ha!16808739_1361814600552612_2145723990_n

I didn’t give this painting a name. It just doesn’t have one. It’s filled with sadness, hope and dreams is all I can say. I painted it while listening to a playlist of Wet’s songs on youtube. I just love their music and sometimes it’s really all I need to listen to.

I still haven’t completely lost my mind. But I hardly see myself surviving another month without a guitar in my bed. It’s just so hard, you know. I mean, I already don’t have a cat or a dog or anything, which is bad enough considering I grew up with pets and it’s such an empty life without at least one around. But no guitar just makes this whole thing more pointless. I can feel all my energy just being drained from my body and mind and pretty soon I’ll be a more literal mess.

I also am putting a lot of pressure on myself because this is important and it feels like it’s been three years since I last played. I have barely a one-year experience as left-handed player and it can just fade so fast in such short time. I’m gonna go crazy over guitar practice when I buy a new one because I’m just crazy about this whole thing and I’ve been slacking off so much ever since I was born and I gotta work or I’ll never get anywhere I’d like to. This is horrible.

Good things are coming my way in a little less than two weeks. There’s the rock show, the singing lessons, going to Paris to meet Kim and just, you know, still breathing! But right now, it just weighs on me a lot and it’s fucking hard. I’m still pushing through which is great, I guess. Not giving up, that’s good. But you know, I won’t lie. It’s really hard on me. And the mess I made with my portrait just kicked me down too. I’m in a real fragile place right now which makes me even more sensitive than usual.

I keep trying to be positive to make things fall into place thanks to the power of a positive mind, you know. But I’m like, on the floor right now and can’t get that frown off my face. I really hope I can manage to buy that guitar next month.

Alright, this post is going nowhere. So I’ll just end it here. If I keep writing, it’ll just be me saying on and on how tired I am and how my mind is cracking and I NEED GUITARASDFGHJKL

Fruits & vegetables ❤

Slow, slow, sloooow days (without Glitch)

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It’s been really hard ever since I got back for me to get anything done. Time stands still or runs like a thief, either way I’m left starving on the floor. As much as this is frustrating and irritating because, now more than ever, I really feel the importance of working hard and harder at what matters to me, I’ve gotta go with the flow. I might not be working as hard as I should and being productive enough to spit on past-me’s lazy face, but I’m building the bigger steps for my future. Then I’ll have to do all the running.

Last week I sold my guitar.

You WHAT?

I sold Glitch; last week…

Why?

To have money. Although I sold it for a ridiculously low price cos I was in a hurry.

WHY?

I know it sounds crazy but hear me out, it was to buy a flight ticket back home for July/August…

Oh… So you’re just letting go of your foolish dreams?

Heck no! I’ll be leaving for Ireland in August/September, one way (as an au pair) or another (God help me). So I need to see my family and home before the big jump because I don’t know when I’ll afford to be back there again.

So now I feel really alone. x) I mean, no guitar?! How is one supposed to survive that? I can’t even sing freely confined in this room. My fingers are crying because they are not hurting anymore. And my days just feel so empty! I love drawing, painting and writing stories. And usually I go well about alternating all these activites all day long. But without a guitar around, it just doesn’t feel okay. Because it is all I can do and I’m not really passionate about these as I am with playing music. I love it but it’s like with a guitar-less room, my energy is almost non-existant. I’ve started many paintings and have been doodling a bit in my sketchbooks but I lack the “!!!”. Know what I mean?

Still pushing through though and doing as much as I can even if that means a few brush strokes per day; that’s okay. I might lack the energy and maybe a bit of will too on some days, but as long as I still try I think it’s okay. I know I should be doing more but I really just can’t do more. It’s really hard to explain but really, when Glitch left it left me with an acutal whole in my chest. I will survive but I’m not sure I’ll get my “!!!” back until I have another guitar by my side. So, until then I still do things even if my focus is down to -69% and my energy’s just a ghost I see on pictures and cry thinking about in my bed at night.

Just a little recap of what’s been done-ish:

*I’ve changed the theme of my website but still haven’t dealt with the shitty categories yet. Pretty sure I’ll change it again though. I just can’t seem to understand what it is that I want it to look like. Ugh!

*I’m working on a self-portrait + exploring with new art supplies I bought.

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A quote of my own character in my sketchbook; YES

*I’m not actively looking for a host family but I’ve created an account and I log on it everyday to check some families out.

*I’ve money saved for a new guitar which I’ll only afford next month.

*I’ve got a start for Uncage the Night‘s chapter VIII but it’s shit and took me FOREVER. I’m okay with that, I just really need a full first draft of the chapter to be able to write a nice one from!

*I’ve reached out to a lovely woman for singing classes. Nothing’s happened yet but it’s on its way. Safe way to make progress as I’ve barely been working on my singing ever since I moved in this lovely dorm room.

Ever since I got back, I got these uhm…. I guess that’s what you call breakthroughs or is it wake up calls?? I realized a lot of obvious things but you know, the kind that’s too obvious for your to see?

I remember I was sitting at my “desk” and it just hit me. And then I was so mad at myself. This is my third year of college. THIRD. And it’s all been mostly a waste of energy and time! I didn’t learn much if not through the bad things that’s happened on the sides. It’s made my mental health slightly worse than it used to be. I didn’t really make friends; only lost the few I had. I’ve been basically killing myself over something that has literally no value to my eyes. I was so mad at myself because I’m the only reason for that, I’m the mastermind behind all this nonsense. What kind of silly person puts herself through all of this without even once stopping and thinking, hey,maybe I should just stop doing what makes me unhappy and go with my damn GUTS AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING I LIKE AND DOESNT KILL ME INSIDE OR IF IT DOES AT LEAST IS WORTH THE BLOODSHED????

Anyways, my point is that all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere it HIT ME right in the fucking face. Now I’m full of that “done” feeling. Done with my own fucking bullshit but you wanna know the funny part? I’m kind of stuck in the mess I made. I can’t exactly leave right now for many reasons which I won’t waste time typing. So, I really do have to wait for August/September to leave. Fun, right? Where did that past year even go, I wonder…

So that’s just me these days. Done, done, DONE. With pretty much everything. I want out, NEED out. But I’m stuck here for a few more months… I know that I should make the best of the time I have left but I need a way to galvanize this dying body and mind if I want to get anything done. I can’t just lie around and wait, no fucking more. I’ve done that enough. I wanna do things so I will do things. And first I’ll find a way to get some energy back because waiting for my guitar to bring me back to life will drive me crazy.

So that’s it I guess. Now you know. Glitch is gone but I’m getting myself back and I’m taking my life back too. It’s about damn fucking time I realized that don’t you think? I felt so stupid and was so mad. I’m fine now. I’ve actually been doing fine. Really frustrated, but fine. I feel like, even though I didn’t get enough, I did stock up on fuel and candles at home and it’s helping me a lot right now even though Glitch stole a piece of my soul. TTwTT

Let’s hope that next post is either the damn chapter or a poem or a painting or a drawing and not just another that. x)

Until then, take care of yourselves and cherish your guitars ❤