I can’t believe those nights turned into today.

Standard

(Lil’ side note before I start the post:
I managed to order the badly needed pedals for my guitar yesterday, and I did not get one,
but FOUR –yes, fucking four–
and now I am close to being flat broke but at least soon the frustration will be cleared away.
I should receive them this week and I cannot wait!)

Today, I went to the art gallery. And, although I have been going there at least once every weekend for the past seven to eight (??) months, it felt like a first time. Maybe not a first time. But it was different. Everything felt and look different, even those same paintings that have always been there, and the staircase, and the bathroom…

The art gallery is one of my favorite places out there. It’s my safe haven, you know? It’s a place I know and feel very comfortable in. And with the way my mind works, I need that type of constant to help me swim through the messy waves of life. And that place is just that. I try and go every weekend, to get my weekly dose of colors, shapes and happiness. It’s fuel to my soul.

But today, as I stepped inside, it was as if I had entered a parallel universe. Same place, same everything. But something felt different. Not “wrong” different; a strangely comforting different I’d say…

So, I spent thirty minutes walking around, looking at more paintings than usually and rediscovering the place. The smell of the wood, the light, the cracks on the paintings, the carvings on the stairs, the doors. Each and everything I interacted with felt oh so different. I was confused. But it felt really good. It made me happy and I felt calm and inspired. I noticed details I had somehow overlooked during my many previous visits.

I’m not sure why it felt the way it did but I sure am thankful. Maybe I was a little more open to it after all those experiences and surprises from that mad July! Or maybe it was just in the air. I felt more open to my safe space and I think it was more open to me as well; giving more.

I’ve had some anxiety fits these past two weeks. Which fucked me up nicely to say the least. It was nothing but it took me by surprise as I was foolish enough to believe the calm meant it was all over. I guess I needed a reminder that it never ends. Duly noted! I won’t fool myself again. So, I’m thinking that might have been it. They left me feeling pretty sensitive, so maybe they opened the right doors that I’ve been trying to reach for months now. I don’t even know.

After that, I went for yet another long walk, all the way to the park while on the phone with my sister. And I had a picnic on my own by the river. It felt amazing! Then I walked around, snapped some pictures for the sis, and eventually settled on a bench to watch the ducks and seagulls play in the water. Then I took another long walk by the river, taking my time to reach my bus back home.

On the ride home, I was extra sleepy!!!! So when I got here, I showered and had a coffee with a little pinch of cinnamon in it. I’m not a big fan of the taste of cinnamon in coffee, but there’s loads of benefits from it, so, whatever!

Yeah so, basically, when I got home, I just settled down and tried to do things. Did not really happen though! Ha ha. I did get to play some guitar and work a little bit on that art blog that should definitely be ready next week!! And that’s about it.

Even as I type this I can still feel that bliss from that strange art gallery experience. Everything was so refreshing, the paintings, the wood, the river, the wind and, oh, all the beautiful dogs! And it’s hard to believe.

I mean, although this is what I was hoping for last year and the year before and maybe every other year before that; I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m building my little empire. I’m meeting the coolest nicest people. I’m having fun, smiling and even laughing sometimes! I feel confident and strong. I couldn’t have guessed that those wine & ice cream saturated nights(months) would turn into that type of solo-picnic-art-gallery-magic kind of brightness.

I can’t believe that after all the fucked-upness, I am here and standing among so much light. But I will cherish it, I promise. ❀

IMG_20180805_171849.jpg

Advertisements

What a July!

Standard

Well, it’s all in the past now. Time to process it and upload it to my memory box…

Although I had the idea of it all laid down in my bullet journal, this month was full of surprises. And even the things that I knew about surprised me! It was a nice month for self-discovery, confidence, happiness and also, my social life!! And funnily enough, as busy as it was, I was not stressed out. It was like, enjoyable, and I’m looking forward to August now to make it even better now that I’ve had a first taste of it all.

In three weeks, I performed a total of SIX times. Which is both, crazy and not crazy enough. It could’ve been more but there were some cancellations and unforeseen obstacles on my part as well.

I remember the first open mic like it was yesterday. I was really relaxed, just as I used to be before my theater performances in high school and university. And it hit me right in the face. Like, as I was singing I was being hit in the face by the reality of it all. Ha ha! Because, as per usual, when I was speaking my voice was fine, right? But as soon as I started singing, it got all shaky and I was powerless. I forgot words and I kept my eyes closed too much. But I still managed good enough! Especially for a first time.

The one right after that was already much better! Just a slight little unwanted nervous tremolo in the voice. He he. And the one after I was fine. Still did not have that much control over things. But there were no more shakes and I handled it better. And the one after that was even better! Like, my voice did things I didn’t think I could do yet, let-alone under the stage pressure. Ha ha And it just keeps getting better.

One of those experiences which I do count as performance although it was a complete different setting, was a recording-type session in the Haven cafΓ© (first open mic). I was terrible on the guitar that night. Actually I was too tired to go but my host mom made me go anyways and I’m so glad she did!! I had a great time! Made some new friends! And even ended up singing on a song that we wrote on the spot! But what this specific experience brought me, unlike every other, was a new light shone onto my voice.

I know my voice is good. And I know I sing okay. But when I heard my voice on the recordings it blew me away. It was not my phone’s microphone. It was so clear. I could hear all the depth of it and it was just beautiful. Beautiful in ways I had never heard it before. And it made me much more confident and happy! It was also really fun to just jam with the guys!!

One of the hardest part I’d say would be, well, to be 100% honest… It’s having to carry my heavy guitar all the way down to Douglas when I repeatedly miss my buses on my way to the pubs and am desperately trying not to be late!! Ha ha ha. But, really, the one thing that makes it hard is that there are no monitors at the places I’ve been playing. So I never get to hear myself as it is. And it can be quite frustrating at times.

One of my favorite parts though is just looking around as I play and see people truly enjoy the songs. Because, these are songs I wrote, they are parts of me and I see these strangers genuinely tapping their feet to the beat, nodding their heads and smiling, or just turning over to their friends. And I’m like, wow!

This has been such a positive and empowering experience so far. It’s very addicting also!!

The one little thing that’s been bothering me though, especially this week:

I’ve had to leave Nostrum at home for the last couple of nights because, my electric guitar just doesn’t sound complete and I’m trying to get my hands on some juicy pedals before the end of next week, so I can be fully me.

It’s been really frustrating because, as much as I can handle playing right-handed, it’s just not who I am. And it restricts my playing and it feels wrong as well.

Also, every time I pick up the right-handed guitar, I feel I lose half of the progress I’ve made on the left-handed one, which, in the end, kind of cancels my progress and I have to start over always.

The one thing about music is that it’s a place to freely be fully me and I can’t be that without Nostrum! So, fingers crossed I can get my pedals soon before my spirit breaks!!

But yeah, I’m hanging on to sanity and the good times! In time it’ll be perfect. For now, I just have to wait some more. Again.

I’ve been meeting so many people also thanks to these open mic nights! Which feels crazy because I’ve got myself a really good friend and so many people who recognize me, know me and have moderate interest in me.

Everything is blowing my mind away! So much that I’ve not even been caring about not having done any music theory or Italian work at all this month. Believe me, I tried, but I have so little free time right now, and all the energy I have left at the end of the days go into music and sleep!

I did have a very small anxiety fit last week which fucked me up good. But I won’t let it scare me. I was on a very sensitive day and I just pushed the wrong buttons. But I wasn’t alone through it. And that makes it even more insignificant! Fuck this. I’m strong and bigger than any demon. They should be the one scared; damned for an eternity in the wild flames burning inside of me. Ha!

Art wise, I did get a couple paintings done! And also, this fine liner madness is neverending!!! I’ve also, as per usual, been to the art gallery at least once every weekend. Pretty sure time would stop if I wouldn’t go… And I have the project of creating an art-only website on here as well as an Instagram page. But so far, this is still a work in progress. Soon though!

And I’m pretty sure that’s all of it! Such a nice month! Making me look forward to all that’s to come. I know it’s only going to be brighter!!!

Until next post, keep at it, guys! ❀

Two long months!

Standard

8AM vs. 8PM

Went a little crazy with the makeup today but the kids loved it! First day back into our routine was a little hard. Especially since it’s so hot and it’s a full day together, with them being off school for the summer.

But we survived. I got a door in my face; hurt my front teeth and upper lip. Adam got hit in the head with a football twice, but at least it was one on each cheek; no jealous!

We were pretty bored and also lacking energy but we survived! Tomorrow we’ll get it right! I’ll get us a list of activities ready so we don’t get lost and sit in the grass staring at the clouds for an hour again!

I very much dislike summer. It is beautiful. But overall it’s just gross. Rips me of my energy and sanity.

It drives me mad sometimes but I still enjoy it, to some extent. And as much as I have very little free time for these two months, I don’t care. Sure, I’d love to still be able to work my ass off. But I have fun with the kids and I love them so much.

So, tomorrow, I’ll wake up, bright and early, have my breakfast and coffee while reading an awesome book! Then I’ll wait patiently for them to wake and then we’ll have the best eight to ten hours together. And then, when the evening comes, I will be exhausted but will still try my best to work on a little something. And then after a nice night of rest, we’ll go through it all once again.

And that is probably the way my summer is going to unroll, for the big lines at least. And it won’t be boring but full of surprises and good times. And, I will hopefully, fill in between the lines with some even crunchier details!

I know it’s going to be hard for me to really be any amount of productive, but I’m still going to try as much as I can. The heat and the full days aren’t gonna be easy, but I know that I will make it through, and if I’m lucky, with a10% of work done!

I’m full of hope & sweat for this summer! ❀

Untitled acrylic painting on cardboard, 06.20.18

Gallery

IMG_20180620_125544_594.jpg

Have been encouraging my mom for so long to go back to creating and today, after one year of me having given her some art supplies, she made something!

When I arrived last Saturday, she was really excited when I gave her a brand new canvas and was already dreaming of what she could paint on it. And, last night, I showed her a Bob Ross video and she was both, blown away & inspired! So, this morning, after neverending chores, she painted something.

It was her first time ever truly painting (something other than the house’s walls and tables haha) with acrylics. She did it on a 180gsm piece of blue paper which could have not ended well, since she was using a little too much water. But, she nailed it!

She was really proud of the results and had loads of fun. Now, she keeps talking about practicing until she gets the hang of it so she can paint on the canvas. I mean, look at her!

IMG_20180620_103355.jpg

Lots of love for my mom! ❀

I’m flying home in three hours!!!

Image

I’ve got a He-Man shirt now!

I mean, don’t let the title fool you. I’m taking a plane to Paris and then once I’m there, I have to wait a couple five hours until my eleven-hour flight back home. So, basically, I’ll be home tomorrow morning!

I can hear Brandi Carlile singing in my head right now… Looks like I’m taking the hard way home!

Can’t wait to see everyone again!!

❀

Stressed out fire that can’t focus on sh*t

Standard

IMG_20180611_192015.jpg

There’s a fire in my bones, fire in my heart that guides me through the dark.

With one of the kids being off school earlier than usual today, my morning free time was halved. It wasn’t a surprise or anything, in fact, I was already prepared mentally for the struggle of it all. However, I feel like I didn’t make the most out of it… And, although I did do the work I had planned, I was left rather disappointed and frustrated by the end of it.

The truth is that, with the kids’ holidays last week, I hadn’t sung/played the guitar for more than nine days, and it left me rusty. And it’s always a hard pill to swallow when I come back from such a long break to find my voice all flat and powerless. I tried to power through it this morning, though. But I was so out of shape and the energy wasn’t there so it all came out wrong. And even though I did work, I felt like I hadn’t.

I can’t hide that it bothers me oh so very much not to be able to work quite as hard as I’d like lately, especially after this long break where it feels like it’s necessary to grind even harder! But I’m still trying to find comfort in the actions and reassure myself that, although I’m not doing as much as I’d like, I’m still doing something and that’s good. Even just a little bit everyday makes a huge difference in the end!

I’m flying for my official holidays this Friday and I’ve just been really focused on the idea of practicing as much as I can before I leave. I know I will still be able to work on my voice once I’m there, but it won’t be the same, as I won’t have all the theory books and my guitar and all my stuff…

But it’s just been so hard for me these past few weeks to get anything done at all! I blame it on the sun and the heat, which, even in very low doses, can render me pretty much useless. I don’t think it’s just that. There’s probably a lot of stress hiding in the shades also. About traveling a long way on my own, Esther leaving, all that’s to come after, etc.

And, I think that’s gotta be the main thing really that might make my body and mind so restless that they can’t focus on those things they enjoy so much! It’s all that I know will be coming after the holidays, when I come back and start setting the first stones to build this empire of mine. I am scared. I am excited. And I certainly am worried in ways I don’t think I’ve ever been before.

I’ve been trying to get down a rough esquisse of a plan to reassure myself, but so far, it’s proven harder than I thought it would. Because, as much as I’m all about “Fuck plans!”, I know that having kind of the big lines of the start of this big thing written down before my eyes would help me cope better with the idea of dreams becoming reality! And I think I’ll only be able to do that once I am back home, as the distance will give me a better view of the bigger picture!

And anyways, you know me, I’ll keep trying through the frustration and despondency. Even if that means I have to fail everyday. Because there’s nothing else I’d rather do and there’s nothing else worth getting tired & bruised over. I only have three days left, and I will try to fit as much theory and practice as I can into what’s left of free time until then. Tomorrow is theory day so we’ll see how that goes for me!!

IMG_20180611_171402.jpg

Even if that means I have to fail everyday, I’ll keep trying.

I hope that these three days get to be filled with as much vocal practice and theory (and Italian) as my dream-filled mind can allow in this very blurry moment of my life!

And same for you, reader! I hope that the rest of your week is filled with whatever it is you need/wish it to be. And I wish you to feel very content with the way it went as you take off your shoes on Friday night, ready to enjoy the weekend. I hope you shine really bright and that your days are sprinkled with many lovely little details to make you feel complete. ❀