One month gone already!


21935493_1575833675817369_1905377119_n

Today, it’s officially been one month since I’ve joined my lovely host family and since I am literally living in Ireland. It went by soooooo fast! So, after this busy week and busy weekend that I’ve had, I’m taking some time to breathe and look back a little, acknowledge what happened and squeeze out some more good juice out of these past few weeks.

The first two weeks went by in the blink of an eye. The kids adopted me pretty much instantly, to my greatest surprise. And I felt comfortable from the get-go. I knew from the moment I skyped with them that they were gonna be amazing but when I met them IRL, and after having spent just a day with them, I realized they were much more awesome than I could have imagined. I know I like to exaggerate and this might seem like it, but really, it isn’t. They are good people, so nice to me, easy-going and I feel oh so good around them.

21935316_1575833655817371_597512378_n

The routine wasn’t so hard getting into. It’s pretty simple really and it’s just a matter of getting used to it. I am still not able to wake up at 6am in order to have breakfast before the kids and get on with my business before I wake them up, but I’ll get there eventually. Having not had an organized life for the past two years and especially these last six months where I would just sleep whenever and paint/sing all day and sometimes go out to get food; it’s understandable. I need time. But this is just a detail. Once you know it, you just do it and it slides like butter on bread(what).

So, those first two weeks, I spent just adjusting to the schedule and trying to learn how to fit my painting and music in my free time. I spent a lot of time in the house; scared to go outside. But eventually I got to meet some Spanish au pairs and we hung out in town together. And just last week I met some French ones. Knowing that there are a handful of people other than my host family that are aware of me, is reassuring and I have no doubt that I will be able to build strong bonds with a handful of people during this year. I had a lovely weekend with Marta, a French au pair who lives really close to me; I really like her. And, surely, I will meet more people with whom I “click” and can enjoy something bigger together than just hanging out(nothing wrong with that but I need to walk in deeper waters, ya know).

I haven’t had much adventure going on just yet. Nothing crazy to tell. No big stories really. It’s been a really chill month. I adjusted very quickly and so did everyone else. I feel like I belong and not like a weird parasite that’s just sucking the life out of them. I feel good. They truly are amazing. And, having heard some other stories from the au pairs that I’ve met, I can only emphasize how LUCKY I am. My family is just the best and I’m happy.

21979451_1575832779150792_1846366595_n

Blackrock Castle

I love feeling how we’re all just growing more and more comfortable with each other each day. Like I said, we were already pretty okay from the get-go. But we’re getting closer and it’s such a nice feeling to experience!

I love the talks I have with the parents in the mornings or evenings, when I’m having tea or when I get back home after a day on my own. And I love the different feelings I get from talking to the mom and from talking to the dad. The different topics and perspectives. They’re really cool people, sweet and chill; I love them. They care about me and it shows and I’ve grown so fond of them already. Like they’ve been gone all afternoon and evening to a wedding, and I swear I’m already missing them but I won’t admit. Ha ha!

I love the kids and how they try my patience sometimes and I just have to learn over and over. They help bring out the best of me. It’s not always easy, but they’re very sweet kids and they fill me with love. And my favorite thing right now is that, three days ago I taught them how to say “I love you mommy”(Je t’aime maman) in French and they just keep saying it to me. And it is so cute and, man. Pinch me, I’m dreaming! LIFE IS REAL

Simply put, I love everything about being an au pair, here and in this family. I know everything would’ve been and felt much different with some other people. But what I have right now is more than gold. I am so thankful!!! And I can’t wait for more days!

I will have more to say as the weeks and months go by. For now, this is all there is to be said. They rock, I love them, the city is beautiful, I’m happy and ready+fueled by their support to reach for the sky. This is more than I had dreamt of and man, is it beautiful to be where I’m at right now in my life.21935605_1575832765817460_1439178978_n

This week I’m starting my art class and I can’t wait to see what that’s going to be like and what it’s going to bring in to my life! I still have so much to see and so many people to meet. And I still have so much work, so much to build before I get those dreams of mine running. I’m excited and I’m on my way.

Up we go! 😉

It feels weird to be treated so well, to be in a non-toxic environment, to simply be a person among over people… I come from a polluted place; I stomped outta the door, my feet are clean now. I let go of those toxic relationships I clung onto for the last few years and I felt so lightweight… So lightweight that the winds of change flew me away to a land of greener grass. Honestly, not holding any grudges but fuck ’em. Thank you guys, but fuck you. I’m glad you’re out of my life, leaves more room for better friends; I’m glad you aren’t taking up all of my time/thoughts, leaves more room for love and light which I’ll now spread. I am very much alive. I am happy. And I’m only getting started.

Until next post, don’t stop believing. ❤

Advertisements

Turn the page, new chapter!


For once in my life, I feel in sync with the seasons.

Autumn. I’m shedding skin, letting the grime and knives accumulated over these past few years fall off my body like dead leaves. I’m changing shape. Living again; no– living, at last! I’m turning a heavy lot of pages and entering a new chapter of my life.

I thought that stepping on that plane on August 25th would have been it, but as it turns out (SURPRISE! not), walking forward is a process and I am still in the middle of turning the last page before I can get to that new chapter. I think that these past seven months have been the long transition between that previous chapter, one about learning the hard way, growing and falling backwards, and the one that awaits me which, I can only imagine, will be filled with a lot of the same things but with a brighter sky and lighter frown.

I have been in Ireland for almost a month now and it still hasn’t sunk in. This might be the main reason why it has been so difficult for me to write about it (watch me try to talk here); it doesn’t feel real.

I’ve been here a while now, have settled in, even met a few new people apart from my host family but it still feels like a dream. Maybe because it is a dream… A dream come true! That’s probably too much for my brain to handle considering all the disappointment, frustration and chaos it’s been faced with over the last decade. I mean, I got what I wanted and it’s a good thing and I’m happy. How?

I believe (hope) that eventually it will feel real to me, this new reality that I’ve been blessed with. But so far it hasn’t stopped me from doing anything, so it’s not that big an issue, probably just a sign that I haven’t settled in completely and still need to adjust to that life. Like I said, still transitioning; new chapter’s right around the corner and I’m just floating right now, caught between the last page and the new one. I’ll get there.

Even if it might not feel like it yet, this is fact not fiction for the first time in years (Death Cab for Cutie just stealing the spotlight here).

I am in Ireland now. I’m an au pair now. I live in a lovely family and look after two kids and I’m happy.

I am much far away from home but I’m where I chose. I can feel myself growing and breathing. I’m good. I’m doing things and I’m ready to do much much more.

I have dreams, I have hope and I have support from all around. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am thankful.

This is just the beginning but I can tell already that it’s going to be the best adventure since forever. I know it that this big opportunity that I managed to seize will open doors in and out. My dreams are now a baby step (What the fuck do you mean, “baby step”? That was a huuuuge leap I took man, a huge leap!) closer and I’m ready to reach recklessly and relentlessly.

I’m running.

I’m looking forward to more days. The adventure has begun and, well… Fuck it! Give me all you’ve got, I’ll take it. The doors are open, let the adventure flood, I’ll go with the flow. I’m burning with excitement and on my two feet. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. It’s the little things, it’s the simple ones and the bigger, complex ones.

Life. Yes.

 

Let me just end this with a Brooklyn Nine-nine quote that I’ve grown to think will come in handy in many tomorrows that I’ll be turning into yesterdays in my future. What a sentence!

Eyes closed, head first; can’t lose!

Until next hope, let life teach you and teach you again and keep pushing through. ❤

P.S.: this definitely does mean that I am finally going to reorganize my blog and get all this mess sorted out! (maybe this weekend, although I have plans, but soon, for sure this time!)

 

Blue & green||| You & me


Growing up on such a blessed land was paradise.

Even though I spent most of my youth longing for the day I’d leave this place, I’ve always loved everything about it (although the sun isn’t exactly my best friend). Now that I’ve finally gotten out and seen a bit more of the world, I truly see how beautiful my home is and precious. And it makes me happy beyond words Exif_JPEG_420to be able to come back once more and get to enjoy those familiar places.

I’ve always been amazed by Nature and its stubbornness and strength and oh so breathtaking beauty. And since I live in a small town, in the south of the island, I’ve always been able to enjoy both the sea and the forests a lot.

They’ve always been my familiar faces in the world, if that makes any sense.

I open the window in my room and I can see the mountains, then I go in the kitchen and from there I can see the sea. The sounds of the ocean have always carried me to sleep. Nature is not a stranger to me and seeing even the tiniest tree somewhere is enough to make me feel more or less connected to the place I’m in. I’ve always felt that connection to it and it’s always felt like that reassuring force I could always turn to, I guess that’s why we call it “Mother Nature”.

img_20161227_150826When I got in highschool, and the storm inside started blooming, five years ago(??), I developed a stronger need for the sea. And I used to walk there as often as I could after school with mom and my dog and my little brother. It calmed me down to see the waves from up close and smell the fresh air.img_20161220_185500

But it did, and still does, that strange thing to me which I have yet found the right words to explain. I could sit there for hours and just stare. It feels like I’m hypnotized sometimes. And I think it’s just like this bigger Love also. It feels really good and it eases the storm in me.

This is only the second time I’m coming back home since I left two years ago, but the first thing I always do before I go out of town to meet people or do anything is take a walk to the sea. And then, we go there almost every single day. It heals everyone and helps with all the useless tension; it fills me with love and happiness, and the sweetest drops of sadness.20170716_175244

Today I was soooooo lucky that my family and I got to go the forest (I found a nice little panorama online for you, just click right here! 😉 ) AND then to the sea once more!! I was so happy!

We went in my brother’s dad’s pickup truck. My sister and her son were sitting inside while mom, Gaby and I were sitting in the back with his dog and got to enjoy the sight as we drove up the gravel roads. It’s just the best feeling to be sitting in the open like that! And the lil’ doggy was just so happy to stand and watch the trees go by with us.

It was sooo sooooooo pretty and then the sea was just ——- I made a little video montage from a few clips I filmed over these past few days because I can’t get them uploaded on Instagram for some reason and it’s just so pretty I need to SHARE

(Forgive the music that might actually be too loud; there were just people talking on most of the videos and nobody wants to hear that… )

A wonderful sight that always leaves me in awe.

There’s this connection and it’s just beautiful. Sadly, I’m all out of time for that post so I’m gonna have to cut the thinking and typing here.

Until next post, don’t forget to look around and let love in, no matter how bad a mood you’re suffocating with. ❤

 

 

Just a little bonus of my brother being a cutie in the woods:

 

Sad thought from a happy day?


Today I went out with my Lilly, her boyfriend and her nephew(and boy, has he grown!!). We saw the new Spiderman movie. I wish I could’ve heard Michael Keaton’s real voice instead of the French dub, but what d’you want? We’re not in Lille. The €€€ fly but your 20170715_122537-1expectations can DIE. Not really kidding, but you can laugh! I do cos it’s saaaad 😦

Everything was fine until we sat in the cinema and they started chatting together and I was left with my thoughts and the darkness(not really at first but it already felt like it).

[ I will try and be as short as I can because I am tired right now and at home. Honestly, as much as I’d have lots to say and write, I can’t just spend my time on a computer/phone. I take pictures and post them when the internet allows it but even if it means not doing anything or simply staring at my mom all day, I’m spending as little time as needed on the internet. ]

And as I sat there, she started speaking; that voice that just knows not how to lift me up. I tried to fight it and keep busy, devour my popcorn before the screen is even turned on, stare at the ceiling, listen to my friends’ conversations… But nothing worked. She just talked and talked. She put me down. She did not hit where it hurts, on those swollen bits of me I’m used to pressing on whenever the challenges get a bit too heavy and I fall. She hit on one of the biggest insecurities of mine… And that is, the stupid storm.

That voice wasn’t telling me how bad a friend I am, how boring, nor how I’ve been looking fatter lately, how I might not be as strong as I thought. No, she did not mention any of those things, because they weren’t so important at that time. The storm was the real thorn on the sole of my foot which I had to push deeper in, jump on and torture myself with.

She was telling me how weak I was.

Just a moment of slight darkness and I was gone, gone with the winds of despair and self-loathe. All it told me was “Look at you, the movie’s not even started yet and you’ve already let your thoughts flood you and drown you. Just a minute in and you’ve been reduced to a quiet piece of shit, and nobody even notices.”

I wasn’t putting the blame on my friends for not noticing me getting quieter and slowly fading in the background, it was all on me.

And the worst part was that, with all this already heavy enough bullshit in me came a crippling guilt which glued me to my seat. How could I be feeling bad and having all these thoughts run through my head while I was with my best friend and expected to be all about the good time? How could I just start thinking of myself and let sadness fill me while sitting next to my best friend whom I love and whose presence just completes me? I just felt bad for feeling bad, which is a feeling I’m sure a lot of people can relate to. And it sucks.

I had all these racing dark thoughts, sad ones and those mean ones pressing on my other weaknesses. But this voice was the loudest, the narrator of that afternoon. Because that’s what it was doing, narrating with acid words the mayhem in me as I sat near my dear best friend and her close ones.

And maybe the reason why I couldn’t fight it is because I agreed with it. The voice was right. I was being assaulted by those razor-sharp thoughts while there was still light in the room and I wasn’t on my own.

I don’t think that I can enjoy going to the movies anymore.

And that’s how I came to this conclusion.

I used to enjoy this because it was a way to keep me completely distracted from the bullshit inside and outside but just like a lot of things, it seems it’s not enough anymore to anesthetize my restless self. So maybe I should just stop going. I can still watch movies at home and it’ll be just the same but with more food! 😛

But really though, it sucks to pay so much money to sit in a dark room full of strangers enjoying a movie while you’re just melting on your seat and having multiple life crises at once. I can still enjoy it but it leaves me so messed up. And I feel even more alone like this, because I’m trapped in myself and no one can possibly know and it physically hurts.

Is it worth it?

20046714_1513109435423127_8249265847971321961_n

“help i had a good time”

It took me about thirty to forty-five minutes to get somewhat focused on the movie rather than my thoughts and hands. Just like it did, back when I still went to class, for me to calm down from my anxiety fits. It’s not as much a torture, honeslty. But it’s just not enjoyable, I’m so uncomfortable when this happens and I can’t escape. It’s actually pretty horrible.

So, yeah, this happened; again. I had a good time. I had a good afternoon. I was with my best friend and on the ride back home, even though I wasn’t feeling so well and quiet as fuck, she managed to make me smile and laugh and speak.

It was good but it was also really bad. And as happy a day it was, all it leaves me with, sadly, is this thought: I don’t think I can enjoy simple things anymore because I’m a wreck. I’ll try to hold on to the light of this day and the smiles and the good. But I seem to have discovered that brains tend to focus on the bad memories, or maybe that’s just me.

Everything is exaggerated in this 5″2 factory and well, I’m tired; I don’t want to type anymore.

That’s gonna be it. Longer than I thought it’d be, but I’m a fast-typer! 😛

Until next post, just, breathe. ❤

 

The Joy Graveyard – unfinished and ??? story?


The only reason I am posting an unfinished and poorly written story is that I had the lovely idea of filming a video for my second channel where I read it, badly. So I figured I’d link to a written version of it because I didn’t do an awesome job at reading it mostly because I’m tired but really just because it’s me. So here we go! (You can click here to watch the video if you’re a brave soul)


The Joy Graveyard (?need a better title?)

This is the story of a girl who knew better. For inside her heart, where most would bury their rancor, she kept all that was dear to her. She knew better than to let hate devour the light and the love in her. Most people would bite their tongue and tell not where they hurt; they would swallow the rage and the poisonous fire but never mention how upset an event/a person left them. But not her for she knew better than to let the darkness destroy her like it did her forefathers. No, she wouldn’t trap the hate out of sight and let it consume her insides. When she’d bite her tongue, it’d be for a laugh or a smile.

She had seen, countless times, how slow and painful a death such a life brings. And she had witnessed the terrifying explosion that happens when too much has been shoved down the throat and all the burning poison, like a herd of suns, rushes out of a person’s mouth and attacks anything it lays eyes on. With her wide eyes, she had watched the decay, the destruction, the darkness reign over these people and replace them piece by piece, throwing the human away and leaving only rotten flesh and hollow bones; demons.

She knew better than. Or at least so she thought.

This is the story of a girl who never laughed and barely smiled but lived maybe to be the happiest of them all. She had figured out the key to happiness, or at least, how to shield oneself against the darkness and leave this world as human as we entered it. She took all the sparks, all the light and buried it deep inside her heart. She filled herself with blue skies and bird songs. She swallowed all her smiles before they even reached her lips, she choked on her laughter and packed them tightly in tiny jars and planted them in the soil of her heart, the deepest she could reach.

As years passed by, the joy kept stacking up inside. Her friends and family kept wondering why she was always so sad and not laughing, why did she never seem to be having a good time? And she never said anything to them because they were all fake happy and couldn’t understand. To pretend was their way of life. She was happier than they could ever have wished to be.

With all this happiness inside of her, she was all set for life; she didn’t have to worry about facing tragedies because she could always reach inside to get some light. Would some bad luck strike her, she’d just open one of those jars, dig up a few smiles and she’d make it out alright. And there was always something to smile or laugh about, so she’d keep harvesting and would never run out.

Only once in her whole lifetime had she been so full of happiness that she had a breakdown. And like she predicted it was nothing destructive. It was a moment of pure happiness where she contaminated everyone in the room. It was on her twenty fifth birthday, when her mom had flown all the way from the other side of the earth to surprise her and she stood there in the middle of her tiny apartment with her friends, her boyfriend and a new dog. She was just full to the brim and after a single tear ran down her cheek, she broke the concerned silence with a laughter. Her mother cried when she saw her smile and laugh like that, like she hadn’t in forever. And the whole day was cheerful and everybody was happy and having a good time; not pretending. But that was the only time.

After that, she just kept stacking and stacking. The light was a little harder to find as the tragedies finally found her. She lost her dog. Then her mom. Eventually, her job. And maybe bits of her mind too. But life still went on and she could still reach inside to drink from those tiny jars on those long nights she’d cry herself to sleep. The world grew darker around her as her hair also progressively lost their color, but she still sought the light. She kept looking for it, eventually it got to a point where there were only sparks to be found but she’d manage to catch them and bury them just the same. And on the day she finally went to visit the clouds, she had the biggest smile on her face. 🙂


You can chose a path of self-destruction and allow hate to enter your heart and eat away at your soul or you can chose to let the light, no matter how small a spark, how weak a flame it is be the one riding shotgun. I think that’s mostly the idea I had in mind when I wrote this.

I believe it was the day right after the a7x show when I was on my way back “home” after a sleepless night at the hotel. I was in the metro and I just had a lighting hit my head and try to write the idea as quick as I could with my eyes half open.

As per usual, my writing this idea into a story is taking it to an extreme. And I don’t think that this girl truly knew better nor had the key to happiness. But I think she was onto something! 😉

You really do have power over your life and how the story unrolls and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can make the choice to actually take charge! It’s easy to let the darkness consume you, it’s really easy. And I know that it always seems like a good idea to just bury what’s bad inside and never mention it, never think about it, just look away. It feels safer and for a while you feel like you’re actually okay and you can lead a normal life. But it kills you slowly and silently, like a gas leak in your house while you’re asleep. It is not the solution.

I believe you have to face the darkness inside and outside and seek the light. Easier said than done, I know! But evil ways always seem so much more painless and easier at first sight, it’s on the long run that you truly see how destructive they are. You can run, but you’ll never escape because it’s all inside of you and all around you anyway, so looking away is actually a pretty silly thing to do. Build up walls and paint them the color of the rainbow but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s dark outside and it’s raining inside of you.

It can be hard and painful sometimes to face the darkness. And some things you really can’t deal with and have to bury as deep as you can because they are just too much. I know. I just think that you need to try your hardest to keep the dark out of you, and especially those silly things that can turn into bitter acid in the back of your throat after you’ve let them sit in here for too long. Hate is a big no-no to me.

My point is, you have the choice and the power and it’s you who decide what eats you and what you eat. So think twice or thrice before holding grudges over those people who didn’t take out the trash once when it was their turn to, those who never gave you back those twenty bucks they borrowed, those who broke you and those who taught you life a little too hard. Don’t let hate and darkness be the master of your life; you are not a puppet so stand up to yourself and keep your soul as safe as you can.

I’m done! Thanks for reading! I’ll leave you with a very fitting quote of Hayley (MY QUEEN) Williams. Until next post, don’t forget to sit down, breathe and think before choosing to go left or right. ❤

“I have the ability to build myself up or break myself down. Strength comes from within. […] “B.O.Y.” means “Beware Of You”. Be aware of your power. We have the choice to live positively or in our own destruction.”

Image

Let the Mother’s voice heal you.


Spent a long hour outside this afternoon while on the phone with the mama(as today’s Mothers Day here; finally! I was so sure it was last week and that my mom wouldn’t receive my letter on time but then realized it was this week so I was relieved but she told me she still hasn’t got it so, bummer. WHICH IS VERY WEIRD; it’s taking way too long, wtf!).

I think I mentioned this in my previous post but a few days ago, I got to venture out of my comfort zone and discovered a little piece of heaven only a few minutes walk away from my place. And today, I went there again BUT also a little further! And only to realize that the lake which I pass by when I take the bus (which is what I intended to find in the first place) was only less than a minute away from it! I was blown away. They were just as close as I saw on the map, if only I had bothered looking to my freaking right that day! Ha ha

So, there were fewer ducks (just when I’m willing to take pictures, of course!), only ONE swan but plenty of weeping willows! If you see a tiny black dot on a picture it’s probably a duck and if it’s white, it’s gotta be the swan; use your IMAGINATION! 😛 The pictures I took are, as usual, pretty sh*t (did I just fucking censor myself?) but I needed them, to remember and to show my mom and sis.

I will try to go there at least once a week for the rest of the time that I have to spend here because it’s such a beautiful place.

I feel really good when I walk near the water, hearing the birds sing and the ducks fight, and seeing people walking their dog and smiling. It’s such an amazing feeling. And I cross the path of really nice people there too! I mean, I don’t know if it’s the influence of the peaceful environment or if it’s just because it’s from a smaller side of the city. But they’re really nice and they even say hello to me! I’d be weirded out if someone would just “hello!” me as I walk in the city, but there, it simply makes sense. And it feels awesome. Reminds me of home, you know.

Also, I got to see one of the cats that I met there the other day and pet him again! He’s funny cos he like, won’t flinch or run away when I approach him, he’ll let me pet him and even meow at me, but then he just walks away in the middle of it. And when I start leaving he looks at me as if he was expecting me to keep on petting him. Like, make up your mind, cat!

Jokes aside though, I’m really thankful because I need cats in my life to keep my sanity here and they’re just a natural part of my life, ya know. I can’t conceive a life without a cat or a dog by my side, the same way I can’t conceive a life without music because it’s always been around, it just makes sense to have it and it’s vital. And yet, look at me, no guitar, no cat, no dog and I sometimes go days without singing. Like, make up your mind, human! 😛

Going there today reminded me just how powerful Mother Nature is and how she can heal. The birds and the wind were singing to me(well, to all, but let me focus on myself plz), the colors were speaking to me and the simple harmony of everything was comforting this weeping soul. Nature heals better than any pills or any human can; the Mother knows how and she does it right. She knows what to say, what to do to ease the mind of those who seek Her. And also, having my mom on the phone at the same time and hearing her voice too helped! I remembered how she, too, knows how to heal this heart of mine and how she does it without even realizing it. ❤

Anyways, this was supposed to be a shorter post but meh, you should know by now, I can’t do that! x) Here’s a lil’ slideshow for you to enjoy! 😉

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Until next post, be kind to Mother Earth ❤

Video

Positive bullets but in a VIDEO! :D


So, for my first video on my new channel, I decided to make positive bullets(click here to read the last one, which was only number 3 of the series!) into a video! Here it is:

P.S.: I still have to sort through my blog and you know, reorganize everything! But I guess that now that I have a new youtube channel, I’ll be more motivated and fueled to do it! 😛