Video

Positive bullets but in a VIDEO! :D


So, for my first video on my new channel, I decided to make positive bullets(click here to read the last one, which was only number 3 of the series!) into a video! Here it is:

P.S.: I still have to sort through my blog and you know, reorganize everything! But I guess that now that I have a new youtube channel, I’ll be more motivated and fueled to do it! 😛

Positive bullets #3


I had to look through my blog just to make sure I didn’t get the number wrong, only to realize that this is only the third P.B.post! I was supposed to go somewhere this afternoon but I kind of freaked out and avoided every bus stop. I couldn’t stop walking and I eventually ended up in the supermarket, buying things I needed, which I was only supposed to do later today, after having went to that place… I felt bad and have been slowly going down since because that tiny wave hit hard.

Then, I bought cat and dog food because there were these nice people from a shelter (I think?) collecting food and donations to help feed abandoned pets. So, that cheered me up a bit. I even bought a special one for kitties because babies… I didn’t give much because I didn’t have much money on me but I did buy some and that felt good to know that this tiny little action could make other souls happy.

On my way back I was thinking about doing another one of these posts because I can feel myself going there again and I don’t want it to devour me completely. So, here they come the positive bullets because I really need them! Let’s take a moment to acknowledge, rediscover, celebrate, what makes me feel alive, what I do love, what activates the happy sparks in my heart.

  • I love smiling at children in the street because when they smile back it makes me feel happy.
  • I’m in love with button mushrooms and broccoli gently cooked with soy sauce; it’s delicious!
  • When I’m walking outside and it’s rained a bit, and I can smell the leaves from the ground and there’s this fresh breath of air that the trees create that embraces me.
  • Hearing my mom’s voice on the telephone
  • Singing with all my heart and not feeling the pressure of the thin walls of this room.
  • Getting excited over anything with my best friend.
  • Passing dogs in the streets and smiling at them!
  • When it rains.
  • I like it when I put slices of cucumber in my water and then I feel so fancy, and it’s refreshing
  • It warms my heart when I see people outside just being themselves; like that woman that I passed earlier, waving at someone in the distance while on the phone with her and feeling that slight fear she had that the person wouldn’t see her or go the other way. It warms my heart to witness life happening in its simplest form.
  • I love hearing my voice teacher tell me that I have potential and my voice can be much greater. It gives me more strength to hang onto hope which sometimes fades when I try to believe in my future.
  • When my little brother sends us a picture on our Facebook family group chat and asks us “What do you think of …?” when we only answer with emojis. The boy needs words!
  • Hotel Books and feeling Cam’s pain and feelings through his voice and words
  • The feeling I get every time I leave my voice lesson which I believe is a mix satisfaction and confidence which I’m not very used to.
  • Watching my favorite tv-show because I’ve grown so attached to the characters and they feel like family and I’m just so happy every time I see them again.
  • I love being sensitive and feeling things very intensely because when the side of the storm that makes me numb hits me I lose a big part of myself and it’s a part that I like a lot.
  • Listening to the Burlesque album, dancing around in my pjs and being overwhelmed by the power of Christina Aguilera’s voice.
  • I like it when I paint my nails and don’t put so much nail polish on my fingers!
  • I love the people that record rain sounds and these kind of Nature stuff and put these long videos up on YouTube because most nights it’s what helps me fall asleep and shut insomnia’s cakehole!

That’s a nice little list we have here! Even though this isn’t curing my heart, I know it helps deep down. 🙂

There’s beauty everywhere, in everything and everyone, I know that, and I don’t want to forget it, ever. When it gets really dark outside, I need to stop for a moment, sit down and remind myself that, even if I don’t see them right now/all the time, there are bright lights out there and they’re always there. And this is what positive bullets are all about. They aren’t no antidote to the day’s darkness, just a reminder of the light. Not because I’m always stuck in the rain means I can’t see the rainbows.

The rainbows are always here because life is made of endless sun and endless rain, and our existences are just these streams that go back and forth from the shadowy, cold places, to the warm, sunny ones. Sometimes, we get stuck on one side for longer than we’d like, but the sky is still the same. We can stare at the rain, at the sun or at the rainbows from any point we stand at; we just need to remember that we can. Sometimes, we’re lucky and we’re stuck in the middle where the rainbows are more obvious and the rain and sun seem so distant. But just like the Earth, we’re always moving, always growing and changing and dying.

I like the way SOAD explains it in their song Aerials: “Life is a waterfall, we’re one in the river then one again after the fall, swimming through the void […]”. Honestly, the whole song is a masterpiece. The lyrics are beautiful.

Sometimes I like to fight against the current, sometimes I like to go with the flow, often my head’s under the water. But I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to stand through the fluctuations and bend when the waves are strong. I’m learning life.

I’m probably going to be having a sad night, let’s be honest. But I have chocolate, I have wine, I have ice cream and endless cheering movies and sad ones and scary ones to watch and float away until dawn…

The sun will rise and we will try again

-Truce, t∅p

I’m going to try and keep writing that chapter now.

Until next post, keep it positive! Don’t underestimate the power of your mind. Even if you can’t wipe away the darkness, you can light up those candles, as tiny as they might be, along your way. The power is in your hands. ❤

Getting a tank full of fuel.


(WARNING: There’s more than two pictures of my face in this post what)

You know how some things you just know to be true and don’t need no proof or anything? Well, that’s one of those things.

I’ve always known that music is what drives me and fuels me. I was making up my own (embarassing) songs as soon as I knew how to talk. Just ask my mom, she loves telling these stories. :-p It’s always been there. I’ve always known.

I’ve always known that music was what I intended to devote myself to but with school and fear and just, being young and not really knowing better, I denied it. I used to tell it only to my mom and sisters that I wanted to sing. But as I grew up, I gave up the idea. Not because I lost interest in music (how could that happen?) but because, even that young,

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Here’s a young me… 8? 10? Idek

I realized that this wasn’t what people wanted to hear. And also, I truly feared the way others would look at me for choosing the crazy path and the questions they would ask. I didn’t want to be questionned, and judged, and mocked… I dreaded it, so I just gave in and shut up.

Instead, I decided that I would say that I want to be a teacher. I would lie so they would be happy but it wouldn’t change how I felt inside. And well, at some point, I actually had completely given up the idea; victim to my own game. I wanted to be a vet. I still sang everyday while doing my homework but that’s it. Then, obvisouly, it popped right back out like it should.

Still, when it came back to me I kept avoiding it. “Subtly” fleeing from what I can’t escape, my true nature. I made plans that on the surface, and the way I’d explain them, sounded kind of coherent, but really were just me hiding because I was terrified. And actually, those plans only sounded coherent to me because I wanted to believe they were. Because, honestly, if you go to someone that tells you “I love music and I want to be a singer. So, right now I’m studying drama and next year I’ll be going to college to study Hebrew (which I did not end up doing) and no, I’m not doing anything music-related on the side”, you don’t think that makes any kind of sense, do you?

I was just running because this is a scary thing to want and also a very big thing and I’m so tiny. I would just create these excuses of plans and say to myself that they would actually benefit me in some ways and even if not directly affect my musicianship, at least teach me about life. Well, I wasn’t so wrong about that; I’ve had my fair share of life lessons. But what I was stupid to do was put the one thing I actually want on the side, like a simple hobby, and put all these other things in the foreground. Not only was it stupid because, well, it’s my main goal but also because that actually forced me in places where I didn’t belong and brought me more misery than I already create on my own.

I forced myself into these spots and just drained the energy from me, struggling to survive in environments where I just couldn’t fully bloom. It also was really challenging my patience as I’d always end up counting the days before that segment of hell would end by the first to second week of it. I’d then just remain in the waiting room. Waiting for this stupid choice to be over so I can move on to something else. And then I’d make another stupid decision which eventually lead us to now.

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Love my blue lipstick btw

This past year, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with that “done” feeling. Done with waiting. Done with the hiding. I want it and I want it now. Except that I’m actually stuck here for three more months now as I just can’t get out of a stupid decision like this. So, what I’m filled with is more frustration as I now have this growing will and need to do all it takes to be better and become the me that I want but am stuck here.

I’m older now and I’ve finally completely given in to my own desires. I’ve always known but now I am ready to fight for it. Because I see that there is truly nothing else that I want this much. This is who I want to be and I can’t change it. No more hiding. I’ve been feeling a lot better and confident since I decided to put an end to that bullshit and it’s awesome. 😀

As much as everything seem to be crumbling around me lately, I know that things are just falling into place. Destroy to rebuild or something. It’s just making way for something better, something bigger. I’ve had people walk out of my life and tough times, and new decisions, and it’s all just making way for something better; my brighter dark. I’ve finally gotten myself to run in the right direction and that’s cool. Running is all I do, but now I can sleep soundly knowing that I’m actually aiming at what matters.

I’ve always known but I just needed to get slapped in the face. I needed a reminder, not a proof. I needed fuel for my fire that I so subtly murdered. And so far, this month has been full of it, and it’s just the start of it all…

The music still resonates in my soul.

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In the most comfy bed ever (in which I didn’t sleep)

I saw Avenged Sevenfold (+ Chevelle & Disturbed ❤ ) which you can read about here if you haven’t/want to. It exceeded all my expectations and surprised in more ways that I could have imagined. It awoke things in me and filled me up with some nice energy.

I felt a lot of things and understood a lot of things that night. I belonged there, in that crowd, in the dark, out there, where the music is. Seeing these dudes on stage and all these souls in the crowd, it was beyond magical and more than a wake up call, it was fuel and a proof.

Beyond the headache and the ringing in my ears that haunted me all day after it was over, it’s the feeling it left me with. Ever since I walked out of the venue, I’ve been feeling different. I saw my heroes IRL and one of them hugged me; guess it was the best slap in the face I ever got. Sure, that was amazing and I’ll never forget. But the real important thing that happened in me is that I deeply realized that I am right. This is who I want to be. This is where I want to be. It just washed away any doubt and any negative fear I had. All that’s left now is fuel.

Also, last Thursday I had my first voice lesson! I wasn’t anxious at all as I was still very high from the show and it went amazing. I mean, it was a first lesson so a lot of talking and just getting to know each other. When it came to the singing I tensed up a lot and wasn’t able to sing Ain’t It Fun so I ended up singing Girl Crush (Little Big Town, although I’ll admit that I prefer Halestorm’s version over the original :3 ) and it felt better. I was still tensing up but a little less as I didn’t have to go so high or anything and eventually relaxed a bit. But yeah, it was a first time so I didn’t exactly go all-in because I need a little time to be okay with a new person! 😛

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pre 1st-voice-lesson selfie

This lesson was true fuel too. The teacher is amazing. She’s really nice and gosh I loved it when she sang to me because she has such control and everything is there (like it should! x) ). Ha ha! And she told me something that boosted my confidence. Sure, there’s a lot of work to do here, especially when it comes to the tensing up and also the open-your-goddamn-mouth-Chloë part. But she said she saw real potential for power and that I had really nice voice, a nice tone. And, well, it felt really good. It’s not the first time that someone tells me this. I’ve been told before that I do sing well and so on, just never from an actual professional and with these specific words, you know? It meant a lot and I’m really excited for the next lesson, which will be on the 16th. This only “confirmed” my hope if I may say that I can be a better singer and only gave me more hope for my future!

I don’t know if I’m going to keep working on Girl Crush or if I’ll find another song. But what I know is that I really can’t wait to go back and explore and let go and just, climb that next step!

Also, I’ve been considering actually NOT buying a guitar… I know, it sounds crazy to me too… But I actually only have three months left here in Lille, then I’ll be back home in July and a bit of August where there will be a guitar (right-handed one, but it’ll do) and then when I’m back I’ll have to get ready to leave for Ireland. So I thought, I could just keep saving the money and buy it later, once I’m in Ireland maybe. That way, I can focus on the voice lessons and I will be travelling lighter. Not saying it’s set in stone yet, but I’ve been considering it; a lot.

So yeah. March has always been a pretty shitty month for me but this year, it’s the one that is bringing the wind of change. Tomorrow I will be meeting Kim in Paris and this is going to be awesome too! I’ll probably have a few pics to share on Insta or maybe even on here. 🙂

I’m really thankful for what is happening to me. The wake up calls, the pain, the tears, the people leaving, the BRIAN HUGGED ME, everything, really. It’s all just been so real. Not all 17156130_1379521202115285_2889068106658481903_nrainbows and butterflies but amazing nonetheless. These past four weeks have been more eventful than my three years of college put together. That show fueled me real good and just made all the pains and bullshit I’ve bathed in these last six years seem so little. I’ve been having real hard times too but really, I’m just not afraid anymore. Not afraid of hurting and not afraid of becoming who I want to. This is all been amazing and I really hope I will keep making the best out of this month! I’m making my own path cos my shoes were too big for the ones already paved. 😉

Here’s to all the joy that is to come, all the things that I’m alive to feel, more fuel to my fire. I’m just getting started. ❤

A7x,02.28.17 aka “Best. Night. Ever.”


Last Tuesday night, I saw one of my favorite bands live. It seems I had been waiting forever and then it all came so fast and also ended just as fast.

These past few days, I had been doubting my going (in spite of the 300€ that I had invested in the ticket and VIP upgrade + hotel room and the fact that it’s a-fucking-7x). After all, I was going on my own and that sure wasn’t guaranteeing an anxiety fit-free night. I was scared that I would have a panic attack or whatnot and be alone to face it or even worse, becoming a burden to those witnessing it. But I thought, to hell with these demons! They’re here to stay, I can’t drown them or anything, so they’re coming with me, but there ain’t no way I’m missing this. This was supposed to be the most important night of this month and so I went, determined to let all the importantness happen. Of course, thirty minutes before the time I should be there for the backstage tour, I started freaking out and I called my mom. Stayed with her on the phone until it was time and then I went.

Was lost at first but the lady inside was so nice to me that all the growing anxiety just vanished. And so I walked to a small (soon to be bigger than my brain could process) crowd of people without an ounce of anxiety in me. Got in the corner with the other VIP dudes, waiting outside in the wind, cold, for the bracelets — the French way. Then, I heard this voice in my head which I hadn’t heard in a while now. The one that said “Come on, say something. You can do this, just anything really!” instead of beating me up. Of course, I didn’t do anything. Well, I tried looking at the two girls closest to me and found a more receptive one on my left and so I tried to smile with my almost-numb face.

Thank God she spoke to me. And we kept on chatting a bit. And a few minutes later I had my arm wrapped around hers. And, oh my glob did I not understand what was happening to me. Have I been living in a cave too long now, that kindness felt so foreign? It has actually been a while since I met someone new to be frank, so I think I actually forgot how it worked. Also, all the gravel accumulated in my shoes these past few years had me forgot how smoothly things can go. That girl, everyone, w17101950_1374728239261248_1338123413_nas Gloria. She came all the way from Mexico to see Avenged for her birthday (which was the day before) and she was one of the most important person of that February 28th.

She was the light that I had forgotten to hope for and she found me! She made this whole experience more meaningful and more perfect than it would’ve been had I remained a dark lonely bubble hiding in the shadows. We talked so much and shared so much in such short time and just freely, you know. No pressure or anything like most of my relationships have felt lately. We were just two happy women existing together in a room full of different people and we were just being ourselves and not expecting anything. It was simple and refreshing! She was the loveliest and I guess that she was the cherry on top of that tasty metal cake. She even bought me a beer (which was really nice because I’m seriously running low on money after all of this) and took pictures for me (because I, the clever one, had come to the show with a 15% battery and was trying to save it… SPOILER: it died even if I kept my phone off the whole time u_u)!

That’s one of the feelings I was overwhelmed with during the whole show. We were so many people standing/sitting in that huge place, each and every one different although very likely in some ways. We all came for the same thing. And there I stood, amongst hundreds and hundreds of people that I didn’t know, and yet have I ever felt like I belonged this much in a place. It really hit me earlier on, during one of Chevelle’s songs. I just stopped for a moment and looked around and I smiled; and I never stopped smiling until I was in the subway the next morning. All these people… Who were they? Where did they come from? I didn’t know and it did not matter. I belonged in there. We all belonged there. From the girl with the green hair to the little boy with glasses. I just felt at home. I felt comfortable, understood, valued, beautiful, in the right place. I was in the right place. I didn’t feel like leaving, I didn’t feel like too much. I was an actual part of the puzzle and I also contributed to its beauty. This was a beautiful feeling. Belonging.

Now, I won’t be posting much pictures, although Gloria nicely gave me permission to, because I don’t really feel like it. There are plenty of pictures all over the internet and you can take a look at the local press weirdly written article about the show to see those HQ babies. I think I got those memories tattooed on my soul and no picture can top that. I mean, pictures are great and I love them, but this experience was just above pictures to me. I mean, meh… I don’t know what I mean. I’ll just tell you about the thing now.

So, the backstage tour was shorter than I had dreamt of BUT we got to hold Johnny’s bass 17078126_1374728235927915_1763602825_nand take pics with it, like the dorks that we are and so we did. I honestly couldn’t make a face, my hands were still cold and damn, Johnny’s bass. It looked really big and surreal and professional. I know that sounds stupid but I’m not above being stupid when it comes to holding the bass guitar of one of my heroes. A professional bass. I swear. So black, so… professional. 😛

Then we headed to the merch table and I of course felt like I couldn’t just not buy anything so I bought the cheapest I could afford and got me a badass keychainimg_20170302_233051.jpg that I SHALL PASS ONTO MY CHILDREN. And after that, we got to talk a bit with the security. And it was funny because Gloria and I went back and forth a couple times from one side of the stage to the other as we were confused so as to where we would be for the Avenged show. And well, that was funny. We talked a lot to the man that was in charge of our side (which was the right one, but they called it left one because WEIRD; so, Zacky’s side of the stage to be clear) and it felt amazing. Everyone was just so nice I was blown away almost. Like, is this a dream? Everyone was so cool. Wow! Oh, and, we also had another man from the crew come to us and give us one of Johnny’s picks so that’s cool also.

Then, the show finally started. They were a little late and it was almost agony but we were stoked when it started.

Chevelle were really great!

I felt bad though because there wasn’t a lot of people as most only wanted to see Avenged and Disturbed (or just Avenged in a lot of cases x) ). I mean, they worked really hard too and they were rocking that stage! And the crowd didn’t really give it back to them. It just made me sad; slightly. But I guess that’s just how it is when you’re not headlining. Also, I wondered if their sound was shittier on purpose…?

T17092221_1374728135927925_826986159_nhen, came Disturbed!!

Boy, was it weird to see them, flesh and bones walking on that stage, a few feet from me. They were FIRE. Literally. First time I ever saw actual pyrotechnics in action. There was real fire on stage and it was awesome! When they started using it we were back from a toilet break so we were further away from the stage, in the back really, but it still felt really hot each time the flames came on! And when they played Sound of Silence… I didn’t cry! 😛 But it was beautiful. And what I enjoyed the most was to see actual lighters held up in the air and not just ugly cellphones!

FUN FACT: as I was lying awake in my hotel room after the show, I had a mashup of Disturbed’s Down With the Sickness and Ashley Tisdale’s He Said She Said stuck in my head. I’ll let you imagine it… I think it greatly contributed to my sleepless night.

Finally, and not without having us wait forever more, on the stage came Avenged Sevenfold. I don’t think that I can describe what happened inside of me as I saw them come up on stage one by one.

Everything happened so fast then. We screamed, we sang at the top of our lungs, we threw ’em horns. I was so happy. I was smiling all the time that I wasn’t singing. I might have stared at Brooks a little too much but it just felt too weird to see the other guys for real so I often focused on the drums.

The sound wasn’t the best, the drums was obviously loudest as it was right in our noses, but really, I couldn’t have cared less. Often I wouldn’t recognize the song from the first note like usual but eventually I’d get it and sing along. Honestly, had there be no sound at all, it would have been just the same to me. I mean, sure I couldn’t hear the full power of Syn’s heavenly solos nor Matt’s beautiful voice, but just being there and seeing them and screaming/singing along with hundreds of people that was it. That’s what this night was all about. And seriously, you don’t walk into a concert venue expecting studio quality performances. They were amazing and I don’t have words!

Johnny always looked at us when he’d come back to his side of the stage, mouthing the lyrics and just being awesome. He came and sat near us at one point16938736_10155163892020962_2632098556961447390_n-1. Zack16938772_10155163886765962_1198643181332514627_n also did and I stopped functionning. He was just sitting there and man, what’s a girl to do?  I just smiled and enjoyed the show, that’s what I did, making sure I wasn’t staring at him cos that would’ve felt really weird. And they both touched my hand. Yes, for real!

I loved seeing Matt’s smile as he ran around the stage. He was always mostly closer to the audience, as he should, but he’d come near us sometimes and I think I know what happiness is now. And seeing all of them interacting with Brooks now and then was the sweetest thing. It was beautiful. My heart stopped everytime Syn walked near us or looked into our direction. It was all surreal.

When the last song came on, I knew it was the last one because it’s been like that for a while now, I died a little inside. That riff and the energy, and the way Syn just held his guitar during *that* part… A beautiful thing to have your heart broken and put together at the same time. A show coming to an end is the happiest saddest thing I’ve ever experienced. I still put all my energy into it and it was fucking awesome!

Then, the lights were back on and the guys were running around throwing picks and setlists into the crowd while we waited in our little VIP areas to get to see them, maybe, possibly. And of course, they came.

By the time they did, though, I was starting to fade in the background as the lights were back on, so bright and draining the magic, leaving me feeling so small. Everyone was all excited and getting their phones ready for pictures but my demons saw an opportunity and manage to throw small rocks at me. I just wanted to leave now. But I stayed, in a corner. Which was really weird but I just had lost all my social strength I couldn’t do anything anymore.

Then, I saw Brian right there just so close to me, hugging people, saying he didn’t really have much time. And my head was telling me “He’s not gonna come to you, forget it” but he looked at me, and walked through people to come and hug me. I did not understand what happened at all. It went SO FAST. I looked up saw him, he was there, I was in his arms and then he was gone. But you know what? It turns out that a split-second hug from one your heroes does out-weight pretty much everything else. And actually, it was the best hug ever. Like, these arms – what? I just can’t describe it. Some things you just can’t understand until you’ve lived them.

Then, I was lost. Brooks and Matt were here and even Johnny but I remained in the corner. That was just too much reality for me to take in at once. And then that was it.

Despite that weird ending, I regret nothing. I didn’t need pictures with them. I saw them with my wide eyes. They were alive, we were breathing to the same rhythm, they were here for real, with me, so close and that’s it. I didn’t need more. And no, I’m not just saying this to cover up for my demons’ intrusion and that small pinch in the back of my heart. I just really didn’t feel like a pic. And that hug that came out of nowhere really just made me complete and happier!

This was the best night ever for me. And surely one of the most important too. I saw those heroes that have been keeping me together unknowingly for ages. I saw these humans that have been my best friends for years, through the good and the bad; they are real. I met a lovely person that I can only hope to see again. I smiled more than I cried in the past three years. I had a good time, felt alive and understood a few things too.

This night was fuel and one I’ll hold dearly in my heart forever. ❤

I hate phone calls (but I love me)


As I type this, it’s all faded a bit but today (well yesterday now that it’s already one am) I was filled with pride and was pretty much high on it. I made a very important phone call . Let me repeat that. I made a call. I call my mom, sister and best friend pretty often so what’s the deal, right? Well, I don’t really know but fear of phone calls is an actual thing! It took me two hours but I did it. I’m still not sure how.

I tried pep talk, I tried to Schmidt my way out of it (usually it works!), music, breathing exercises, counting to three, running to the phone; NOTHING. Really. No matter how much I tried to explain to myself how important it was and how it was only going to bring good and how it was necessary and not so scary, I just couldn’t do it. I’m guessing I managed out of exhaustion. Like it tend to happens often. But anyways, what matters is that I did it!

I called for voice lessons. That young lady was so nice and damn, as soon as she picked up I felt better. Usually it’s more about the anticipation than the actual thing. I think there’s like a ten-second rule or so. Like you know you gotta do something, but if you let too much time fly between the moment you know you’ve got to and the moment you do it, you leave room for overthinking and it can just ruin everything. I know that very well but sometimes I just slip? 😛 Maybe that’s just how it works for me though, I don’t know. But usually, when I make a phone call, I just gotta go quick and click the damn button, then there’s no turning back and I usually manage the conversation. But if I just stop for a second, I get trap in a web of thoughts and my energy is slowly drained by imaginary spiders and it gets harder and harder to do it…

So, I’ll be having my first ever singing lesson on March 2nd. Why so far? Because I didn’t realize that there is a school break happening very soon and they don’t work during these breaks; so there’s only room then. That’s actually kind of cool co it leaves me time to think of which song(s) I’ll bring to work around. And it is also pretty much the most awesome day ever because it is only TWO DAYS after the Avenged Sevenfold show I’m going to on Feb 28th! I’m really excited because this is just the start of it all. I’m going to make so many more things happen and just seeing start happening before my eyes like that it’s… It feels good! It just feels good, man! 😀

I was really proud of myself. For having managed to call even after two hours of light self-torture. But also because I’m taking steps forward and really getting serious at building my own path. I’m really happy right now.

I’ve got a lot of things to be excited about. A lot of things to work on. There’s just the whole world in front of me. I feel kind of “new”? Like, I can see again. I feel very good and ready. I’m terrified. I am! But I’m just so thrilled about this whole journey. I feel fresh. I feel better. I feel strong again. Able again. Free, lightweight, fearless, terrified, galvanized, de-emptied, creative, everything at once and so little of nothing. That’s a change, right? I almost forgot how it felt. Taking my life. Taking back myself and my everending possibilities.

A dark soul, still. But with a bag full of candles and fuel leaking out of my veins through my fingertips. And I’ve finally took one candle out of the bag and lit it up. Now watch me walk till I run till I fall then run again.

Darkness means light. ❤

Today was hot!


Today was hot.

I’ve seen hotter days but it was a tough one. When the weather’s hot like that, I’m just like mom and can’t eat much and, tbh, can’t do much either. So, after a tiny lunch we went for a ride together with my brother and his father, heading to a place with water or trees or both, to breathe!! Obviously the nice spots were already taken, it being a Sunday afternoon! Usually families go “secure spots” early in the morning and settle there for the whole day; clever people!! We still found a nice spot though. Not near the sea but rather closer to the mountains.

With only a few percents of battery left (cos I’m clever like that), I only managed to get a few pictures of the landscapes. It only got me frustrated to take the pictures though. My phone’s camera sucks, this is no news. But, had I had a better phone or hell, an actual camera and even a good one, I’d still have felt the same. I mean, I’ve seen breathtaking pictures of places I’ve never been to and also of my homeland but these are just pictures. To me, they lack the soul.

I was out there today and it was so beautiful, amazing colors and perfection everywhere and I don’t see it in my pictures. And it’s sad because I’d like everyone that reads me, knows me, to see and feel how beautiful this place is, because it is. And my pictures, my words, nothing is ever up to the mighty work of Mother Nature. It kind of made me sad to realize that. I wish I could actually paint like the great painters, you know, and create things that actually compliment Nature’s perfection.

Anyways, let’s get to the pictures!

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It’s all so much more beautiful IRL! Sugar canes, lots of trees, the sea, the mountain; YES. I don’t think I’ll be able to get some pictures of the volcano though because it’s hot and it’s even hotter there as there’s zero tree to hide underneath but maybe… :3

It was really fun! We didn’t stay for that long cos mom was getting hungry but we had fun. We even played with rocks and sticks cos that’s how we do it! 😉

We got to pick some fruits which are delicious. The goyave, a tiny little red berry thing I guess, and the zembrozade, a yellow thing rather hollow and with a big seed inside (you can hear it move if you shake the fruit haha!) also sweet and yum yum! However, when I decided to take pictures, I had almost eaten everything. BUT, fear not, there are three mediocre pictures to illustrate this mediocre paragraph:

The first picture would’ve been full of red dots if I had been a “normal” person and taken a picture of my food before I’d start to eat! 😛

The only trick to know when eating freshly picked goyaves and zembrozades is to take off the little “beak” because sometimes there can be a few tiny bugs in there, usually ants but today I found ladybugs in mine! I was like “ew!” but then, you know, still put the thing in my mouth (without the bug, obviously x) ). 🙂

I’m flying back to Lille this Friday and it seems so far away yet too close. I’m a bit scared to be honest. It’s gonna be really hard to leave again and I’m going to miss everyone and everything so badly! But it’s also going to be hard to be back there and face all the mayhem I left behind… It makes me really sad to leave also because I have no idea when I’ll be able to be back again! However, I’m also really excited to get back to Lille because I have so many things to do and work on to build my own path to my own many destinations and I can’t wait to get things moving faster.

I’m really torn but I think that’s exactly the way things should be right now. So many feelings and thoughts that I can’t put into words right now cos it’s already midnight and I’m tired, why ain’t I sleeping?

I still have a few days ahead of me so I’ll try to fill up my batteries as much as I can afford and then I’ll be jumping off the cliff and building my wings on the way down (wink wink Bradbury)!

Alright, this post is a wreck! Just a few more pictures and then I’ll disappear.

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The pictures with mom are so funny because we could’ve sworn we were really close to each other when Gab’s took the pics! But then, he showed us and we were like standing in these weird positions like wtf xD And then, my brother just didn’t want to stand anymore so I had to carry him to get a picture! The boy is quite heavy, don’t be fooled by his skinny appearance! 😛

Alright, I should go to bed now. I’m meeting with an old friend this afternoon and Lilly will be here too, so it’s going to be fun! And this just reminded me, I need pictures with Lilly!! I’ll see to it tomorrow!

Stay hydrated and remember that memories are stored in our hearts and mind, not necessarily on paper and shit. But, if you’re like me and images, faces, and pretty much anything else, fade fast in your mind, take as much pictures as you can to refresh your memory now and then! ❤

P.S.: I soooooooo need to reorganize my categories and everything on my blog because I’m so lost! I can’t believe that I left it like that for so long! I don’t even know where to put what cos it’s sh*t! x) Will do as soon as I’m back!