I can’t believe those nights turned into today.

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(Lil’ side note before I start the post:
I managed to order the badly needed pedals for my guitar yesterday, and I did not get one,
but FOUR –yes, fucking four–
and now I am close to being flat broke but at least soon the frustration will be cleared away.
I should receive them this week and I cannot wait!)

Today, I went to the art gallery. And, although I have been going there at least once every weekend for the past seven to eight (??) months, it felt like a first time. Maybe not a first time. But it was different. Everything felt and look different, even those same paintings that have always been there, and the staircase, and the bathroom…

The art gallery is one of my favorite places out there. It’s my safe haven, you know? It’s a place I know and feel very comfortable in. And with the way my mind works, I need that type of constant to help me swim through the messy waves of life. And that place is just that. I try and go every weekend, to get my weekly dose of colors, shapes and happiness. It’s fuel to my soul.

But today, as I stepped inside, it was as if I had entered a parallel universe. Same place, same everything. But something felt different. Not “wrong” different; a strangely comforting different I’d say…

So, I spent thirty minutes walking around, looking at more paintings than usually and rediscovering the place. The smell of the wood, the light, the cracks on the paintings, the carvings on the stairs, the doors. Each and everything I interacted with felt oh so different. I was confused. But it felt really good. It made me happy and I felt calm and inspired. I noticed details I had somehow overlooked during my many previous visits.

I’m not sure why it felt the way it did but I sure am thankful. Maybe I was a little more open to it after all those experiences and surprises from that mad July! Or maybe it was just in the air. I felt more open to my safe space and I think it was more open to me as well; giving more.

I’ve had some anxiety fits these past two weeks. Which fucked me up nicely to say the least. It was nothing but it took me by surprise as I was foolish enough to believe the calm meant it was all over. I guess I needed a reminder that it never ends. Duly noted! I won’t fool myself again. So, I’m thinking that might have been it. They left me feeling pretty sensitive, so maybe they opened the right doors that I’ve been trying to reach for months now. I don’t even know.

After that, I went for yet another long walk, all the way to the park while on the phone with my sister. And I had a picnic on my own by the river. It felt amazing! Then I walked around, snapped some pictures for the sis, and eventually settled on a bench to watch the ducks and seagulls play in the water. Then I took another long walk by the river, taking my time to reach my bus back home.

On the ride home, I was extra sleepy!!!! So when I got here, I showered and had a coffee with a little pinch of cinnamon in it. I’m not a big fan of the taste of cinnamon in coffee, but there’s loads of benefits from it, so, whatever!

Yeah so, basically, when I got home, I just settled down and tried to do things. Did not really happen though! Ha ha. I did get to play some guitar and work a little bit on that art blog that should definitely be ready next week!! And that’s about it.

Even as I type this I can still feel that bliss from that strange art gallery experience. Everything was so refreshing, the paintings, the wood, the river, the wind and, oh, all the beautiful dogs! And it’s hard to believe.

I mean, although this is what I was hoping for last year and the year before and maybe every other year before that; I can’t believe it’s happening. I’m building my little empire. I’m meeting the coolest nicest people. I’m having fun, smiling and even laughing sometimes! I feel confident and strong. I couldn’t have guessed that those wine & ice cream saturated nights(months) would turn into that type of solo-picnic-art-gallery-magic kind of brightness.

I can’t believe that after all the fucked-upness, I am here and standing among so much light. But I will cherish it, I promise. ❤

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Infinite fresh starts.

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Turn ’em pages. Make up pages and turn them some more. Anytime.

I like the idea that you can start over anytime. Because it’s not just an idea, it’s a truth; if you let it be one.

I know that it is not always easy because we need things to feel more concrete. I mean, maybe that’s just me, but I have a hard time envisioning a moment as a new chapter, a definite point in time as a page being turned, if it is not accompanied by something that represents that little shift in my life.

Like a new day, a new week, a new month or a new year. Because these, with the sun rising again or a new calendar being put up on the wall, bring you that smell of freshness. Am I right? Ha ha.

BUT if you’re only able to truly start over, give yourself second chances, under these restrictive triggers, then you’re screwing yourself over. Because these, even the smallest of them, i.e. a day, always are too far away.

There’s literally nothing stopping you from starting over straight away but yourself.

You don’t have to wait tomorrow to do/be anything. It can be now. Right now!

It doesn’t have to wait until next week for you to drop the laziness and focus on your studies.

It doesn’t have to wait until the morning for you to apologize to that person, wipe those frowns off your faces and just be okay again. Like, please, don’t spend the rest of your day sulking.

I could go on, but I think you’ve caught my drift already.

So, as I said, I do realize that it is hard because there is kind of a desperate need for something that means change for it to feel like a fresh start indeed and for you to find the juice to truly be/do xx.

And lucky us, there’s loads of other things that we can always have straight away to allow us to have a fresh start anytime, any place.

The obvious would be to change your bed sheets, clean up your room, but these can’t be done anywhere; obviously. He he.

Splash some water on your face. Take a deep breath. Slap yourself(butt/face/whatever; your choice)? Count to ten! Take a shower. Drink a full glass of freshly poured water or juice. Coffee? Go out for a walk and set the finish line as the fresh start. And so on.

Honestly, it could be literally anything that gives you that little click in your brain that makes you feel alright and like it’s safe to start again. Anything that you can attach the meaning of that small shift/big change to.

Anyways. So my point is, remember that you can start over, anytime, any place. And I’m talking big & small things.

Find your own little ways to trick yourself into being nicer to yourself. You have infinite fresh starts if you allow it. Don’t make it wait; let yourself feel alright straight away.

Isn’t that why we like fresh starts so much, anyway? Makes you feel lightweight, confident and hopeful again, and like you can do anything! A little bit like waking up on a brand new day, or slipping on some newly bought shoes or just slapping yourself out of a downwards spiral? Ha ha!

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I changed my bed sheets today because I needed to feel that fresh start! Sadly, this day didn’t go as planned and my clean bedsheets didn’t make me bulletproof to Monday morning anxiety.

But tonight, I made myself a cup of peppermint tea, I sat down on the foot stool in front of my bed(yes, I don’t have a desk and I wasn’t in the mood to stay in the kitchen), I took a deep breath and there I had it, a peppermint fresh start!

I finally posted the eleventh chapter of Uncage the Night, after a single day delay(which is long enough for me to beat myself over). And I’m writing this. And as soon as I hit “publish”, I’ll dive in my journal to quickly plan tomorrow in order to make the most out of my time. Not only to catch up for my very unproductive day but also because that’s what I should be doing. Making the most out of my time.

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Goodnight!

And, until next post, don’t deny yourself second chances; you deserve them all! ❤