Infinite fresh starts.

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Turn ’em pages. Make up pages and turn them some more. Anytime.

I like the idea that you can start over anytime. Because it’s not just an idea, it’s a truth; if you let it be one.

I know that it is not always easy because we need things to feel more concrete. I mean, maybe that’s just me, but I have a hard time envisioning a moment as a new chapter, a definite point in time as a page being turned, if it is not accompanied by something that represents that little shift in my life.

Like a new day, a new week, a new month or a new year. Because these, with the sun rising again or a new calendar being put up on the wall, bring you that smell of freshness. Am I right? Ha ha.

BUT if you’re only able to truly start over, give yourself second chances, under these restrictive triggers, then you’re screwing yourself over. Because these, even the smallest of them, i.e. a day, always are too far away.

There’s literally nothing stopping you from starting over straight away but yourself.

You don’t have to wait tomorrow to do/be anything. It can be now. Right now!

It doesn’t have to wait until next week for you to drop the laziness and focus on your studies.

It doesn’t have to wait until the morning for you to apologize to that person, wipe those frowns off your faces and just be okay again. Like, please, don’t spend the rest of your day sulking.

I could go on, but I think you’ve caught my drift already.

So, as I said, I do realize that it is hard because there is kind of a desperate need for something that means change for it to feel like a fresh start indeed and for you to find the juice to truly be/do xx.

And lucky us, there’s loads of other things that we can always have straight away to allow us to have a fresh start anytime, any place.

The obvious would be to change your bed sheets, clean up your room, but these can’t be done anywhere; obviously. He he.

Splash some water on your face. Take a deep breath. Slap yourself(butt/face/whatever; your choice)? Count to ten! Take a shower. Drink a full glass of freshly poured water or juice. Coffee? Go out for a walk and set the finish line as the fresh start. And so on.

Honestly, it could be literally anything that gives you that little click in your brain that makes you feel alright and like it’s safe to start again. Anything that you can attach the meaning of that small shift/big change to.

Anyways. So my point is, remember that you can start over, anytime, any place. And I’m talking big & small things.

Find your own little ways to trick yourself into being nicer to yourself. You have infinite fresh starts if you allow it. Don’t make it wait; let yourself feel alright straight away.

Isn’t that why we like fresh starts so much, anyway? Makes you feel lightweight, confident and hopeful again, and like you can do anything! A little bit like waking up on a brand new day, or slipping on some newly bought shoes or just slapping yourself out of a downwards spiral? Ha ha!

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I changed my bed sheets today because I needed to feel that fresh start! Sadly, this day didn’t go as planned and my clean bedsheets didn’t make me bulletproof to Monday morning anxiety.

But tonight, I made myself a cup of peppermint tea, I sat down on the foot stool in front of my bed(yes, I don’t have a desk and I wasn’t in the mood to stay in the kitchen), I took a deep breath and there I had it, a peppermint fresh start!

I finally posted the eleventh chapter of Uncage the Night, after a single day delay(which is long enough for me to beat myself over). And I’m writing this. And as soon as I hit “publish”, I’ll dive in my journal to quickly plan tomorrow in order to make the most out of my time. Not only to catch up for my very unproductive day but also because that’s what I should be doing. Making the most out of my time.

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Goodnight!

And, until next post, don’t deny yourself second chances; you deserve them all! ❤

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Home is calling.

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Sometimes I close my eyes and it’s like I’m already there. The warm lights, the warm smiles and the drums in my chest.

And when I open them, only to find out that I am still so far from where I want to be, that heart of mine sinks in my chest.

It is hard, at times, to keep going when all you do never seems enough. It is hard to keep running towards those new horizons when all you do feels like running in circles.

But the one thing that is harder, is giving it all up.

I would never conceive a life without music and a future where I’m not there. My mind can imagine loads of things but that is the one thing that defines “impossible” to me.

And why would I give up anyway? I can feel myself getting closer and closer.

And as I slowly approach this dreamland, it only gets harder and more frustrating. The challenges flow and it’s not easy to follow.

But I can hear them.

Out of my window.

When I close my eyes.

When I lay in bed.

When I breathe.

I can hear the voices. I can see the lights. I can feel my pulse and almost feel my smile.

I feel it in my heart, my bones; my soul.

I can hear the stage as it’s calling me.

It’s closer by the day.

I might be crazy but I believe.

I’m on my way.

I like the idea of a future because although it never comes, it’s somehow always happening” – Hotel Books

Until next post, keep believing and don’t stop trying. Make things happen! ❤

I am the Fire||Looking (back) forward

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Hi! Today’s the last day of this long-ass month and I think it’s the perfect time for some introspection by looking at my past-self all the while focusing on the road ahead. So, let’s jump right in!

Following my post about frustration&cie, I tried recreating this picture of me taken when I was 16 and with my sweet Lady Revenge (on the right, obviously).

 

Note: I remember taking it myself and then pretending my little brother took it for me because, sometimes when you’re sixteen, it’s hard to admit that you took a selfie… Ha ha!

I’ve come a long way…

The other day, I had just finished my vocal practice of the day (half-assed) and ended up singing a little bit longer just to record my progress. And as I skipped from song to song, I ended up singing I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance.

I have a very sensitive relationship with this song and have actually rarely listened to it, especially since the break up. It makes me feel lots of things and I can’t handle it. But it’s one of my favorite songs by MCR. The melody and lyrics and the riffs are just beautiful. And as I sang it, it reminded me of my sixteen year old self. I remembered the struggles of my younger self and how I always had hope overcoming them. (When it comes down to singing at least.)

And I did.

I used to not be able to stay on key so well and let’s not even talk about my range or projection. My voice wouldn’t come out at all, it was a lot of throat, a lot of tension and so on. You get the idea. And now, as a not-so-far-from-22-year-old, I’ve learned so much and I’ve gained more control over my voice, and honestly, now there is really hopes that I can become a singer in this reality. he he

I am really happy to see and feel the progress that I’ve made! Even without working every single day nor as hard as I’d wish. Proof that no matter how little you do, you’re still doing something and still moving forward in the end!

And just yesterday, I was looking for an audio draft of a song that I recorded at some point when I was living on my own in Lille last year (and I found it, and I’m gonna finish writing it this upcoming month!) and oh, what I found! Gold.

I found my several attempts at an audio journal and also too many singing clips (much cringe). Now, I didn’t listen to all of it as I had something else in mind at the time, but… Wow. I sound much younger, even though it was only last year. And that, to me, is very surprising. But it’s not just that, I hear every subtlety of my suffering, struggling and the Act. It’s like watching a movie you wrote the script for. I’d guess. I don’t know.

It’s just like when I go through my pictures. I don’t know if it’s as obvious to others as it is to me, most probably not, but I see the change. I hear my voice and I hear all those differences. Not only technique-wise, but just, you know, my soul? I hear my soul. And I hear the wounds that were still so fresh and oozing out of my every sounds. And I see my face, and I see a completely different person. Some pictures even look like a complete stranger to me. And those smiles… G**, those smiles..

I know this is extremely obvious, so pardon me for saying but I need to…

I know exactly what I’ve been through. Obviously. (told you) And when I look at these pictures, when I hear my voice, it takes me straight back to then. I know it, I remember it but I also can feel how it is in what some would like to envision as “the past“. But what I feel most intensely is empathy or maybe even pity (??) for this young girl that I see/hear.

I used to be such a…. mess. And when I sit down now and look at her — me — I feel sorry  (?) for that person.

I feel the pain, I see all the cracks and I smell the decaying hopes. I see how miserable and desperate she is for some light, some love, anything. I hear how she fights but to what end? I know how she feels but I feel it in a different way now that those feelings aren’t truly my own anymore. And I feel so sorry. Because no one should feel like that and no one should be alone to face storms like that. And I wish I could have been her friend instead of my own enemy. But self-destruction has a way to seduce me, no matter how strong the warnings.

And, you know, all that empathy and humanity that I feel when I look at past-me? I realize as I type this, that, this is exactly what should be one of the pillars of self-love (like any other love), but it is hard to be like that to your present self though, isn’t it? I feel as though the only reason I actually am able to feel it now, and only now, is because she feels like a stranger now, she is in another chapter of my life, and therefore, I can see her for the human that she is. And I believe I must strive for this, a humanization of my own self. Dear ***, what have I become? Ha ha

Now, as much they hold heavy amounts of darkness and brokenness in them, I must hold on to these audios and pictures (and I think I aslo have a couple video journals somewhere). Not as an anchor to “the past” but more as reminder of where I’ve been. I gotta keep that weight on my feet, not on my shoulders, you know what I mean? I think it’s great to have these remnants of “the past” around and to be able to check them out whenever you need to.

Humans are very emotional creatures and I’m not gonna pretend that I am not attached to who I used to be and the memories. I must never forget. So I won’t lose myself. But also because, almost like a mother, I enjoy re-living the growth of that little girl that’s made me who I am today.

I’m really glad I made and kept these because, documenting my progress both as an artist and as a little human trying, is what keeps me progressing. Because, if I couldn’t look back and see that I’ve moved and I’ve become more, wouldn’t that kill the fire?

I know where I’ve been, I know where I am and I know where I’m going…

There is strength to be found in all “past” weaknesses and some more to be found in the uncertainty of whatever is to come. I remember everything and I pray I never forget, no matter how heavy it gets. Everything is fuel and I shall take as much as I can because it’s a very demanding journey.

Now, as much as I’m proud of all the progress I’ve made both as an artist and as a person, I’ve gotta keep looking forward and keep harvesting for fuel as I keep on blooming. I realize that I am constantly growing, even when I least expect it, and I must keep trying my hardest to get to where I wanna be.

I’ve come a long way but I’ve still got a long way to go. Good thing I’ve got a tank full of fuel, some good souls on my side and my loyal & dedicated self.

I’ve got my back!

 

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Until next post, keep at it whatever it is you love and remember who you are. You’ll get there! ❤

Nostrum is 3 months old!

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…And, sadly, this is how she spent the day:

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I woke up with some tension in my right arm this morning and rather than being bold and pushing through the soreness, I made the responsible choice of not touching the guitar at all today. Which was terrible and rendered me under-productive on this merry day! I wish we could’ve had some nice jam time together to celebrate our three months together, but it was for the best…

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Spending my day with the brace on my right wrist brought back some memories of 2016 with Glitch and so much bullshit. I remembered the struggle and I tried my best to be brave through it, and patient. I had my muscle relaxing oil, my special cream, my ice patch and my snuggly Emily around to care for me. Although it did get me very frustrated now and then, I frowned a lot but did not cry, and I had a lovely day with the kids.

I’m not gonna lie, it is super hard to try and force my brain to use mostly my left hand in these situations. Although I have been lately incorporating more and more left-hand activities in my daily life in order to actually become ambidextrous (and avoid any more days like these due to overworking my right hand/arm)… It does not make it easier. Because there is the factor of constraint involved and that makes it harder on me. But anywhoooo, I made it through the day, huh?!

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Mid hide&seek selfie

I still got to work a bit on a DIY cardboard shelf I’m making to gain space in my tiny bedroom(yes, I’ll post about it later on haha). And, after I’m done with this post, I’m going to to do some online Italian/music theory exercises (that won’t involve my right hand) or maybe even do some more left-handed writing if my eyes aren’t too tired. I played some cool games this evening with the kids and we had a very smooth transition to bedtime and they’re sound asleep now. It is my second night babysitting in a row but I’m not complaining; we love each other and it’s always a good time!

Today was a bit of a bummer because I’m dying for hard work right now and there’s always something, and I end up working way less than I intend to! But I should definitely celebrate all my progress and most importantly, celebrate having the exact guitar that I wanted by my side in this moment. She’s a beauty & she’s mine!

It’s hard to believe that she is here with me but, once again, this is fact not fiction and g*d does it feel so good! We’re making progress, step by step, we’ll get there! And I’m happy I have her because, even on days where I don’t play at all, Nostrum keeps me company and just like a good friend, even in the silence, my heart she tends. It’s weird but it’s real.

Happy birthday my dear Nostrum! And here’s to more existence together! ❤

(I’m super tired now, might as well just post this and hop into bed, rest that arm some more! I’ll get work done tomorrow!)

I’ve got a migraine but, oh, how it doesn’t matter one bit.

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Ever since I started keeping my bullet journal (since the end of November), I’ve been noticing a lot of things and feeling more in control of some aspects of my life. And, I will definitely write about it in a much longer post one of these days because I love the concept so much!

So, I’ve been doing some mood tracking alongside my regular tracker and it just goes to show how little things can affect my mood. Now, I don’t think I have found the best way to do it yet. It still needs some perfecting. Because, if there is one thing I understand, is how emotions fluctuate throughout the day and there’s not just one set mood per day and sometimes there are even many coexisting at once. Mood, emotions, they’re much more complicated than a simple “happy face” day or “sad face day”. So I have to keep looking for a better way to track the flux and flow.

December to the left and current January to the right. Anyway. The only reason I’m mentioning this right now is because, as the title gives it away, today I had a moderate migraine throughout most of the day. But it didn’t affect my mood negatively like it usually would’ve had.

 

Having been around the kids for so long now, it’s made me realize that getting cranky when in pain or hungry is a very normal thing. And so, I was surprised today to find my cheerful self not beaten down by the migraine! I played with the kids, I even got some work done and I’ve not been cranky or anything. Sure, I’ve been frowning when it hits and hurts my head. But, I’ve just been doing really good.

Today was the first day back in school for the kids and we did pretty good. Even through the migraine, I mean! We were super on time in the morning and homework was a piece of cake. We did a reasonable amount of playing and cuddling in the afternoon. AND we watched some Bob Ross in the evening while waiting for their mama to come back. (Yeah, those kids are so cool, they sincerely love Bob Ross and so they’re always up to chill and watch The Joy of Painting with me!)

Funny thing is that tomorrow there’s no school. Teacher training day! SO, we’re starting off pretty smoothly. It’s all good!

I’m happy to be back in the routine. It gives me more time on my own and I hope to use it all more wisely from now on and work harder on guitar/voice and all that matters to me!

I’m also really happy to see familiar faces again! I mean, I don’t know them. They don’t know me. But seeing them everyday kind of keeps my life together in a way.You know, it’s that weird stranger relationship thing…

I posted some clips of me singing on my Instagram this morning. Some Halestorm and a lil bit of Sinatra. Goodness! Ha ha I’ve just honestly been really surprised and delighted lately by my voice. It’s just sort of happening before my eyes. It’s coming out again, guys!!! And it gives me so much hope for the future because I’ve made so much progress ever since I’ve been dreaming of becoming a singer! I remember how I used to struggle with really simple things back when I was 16 and now, I can do them and I can do so much more too!

I’m happening!..

One last note, I’ve one small trip planned this weekend with Esther and another one next weekend. I’m looking very much forward to it! Some adventure!! And spending more time with her… I’m just really excited!

Cheers! Until next post, embrace the yellow! ❤

P.S.: I’ve been watching a couple videos on youtube this evening while working on music theory and man… I’m just so excited to start gigging!! I don’t know when but I need it to happen soon! I’m trying my best to work hard and harder because I am simply not good enough right now. So, I need to work towards a good enough level so I can start as a gigging baby! Need to be able to play enough songs and also, I’d like to have a nice amount of originals! But I promise I’m gonna make it happen soon! Hopefully next month!?? I sure do hope so!

How’s that first week going?

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HI hi hi! This is my blog, I wanted to talk about my day and so I will do just that.

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Much love for my host mom!

Maybe it sounds silly to you, but I sometimes forget that this is, indeed, my blog. It is my personal blog. But I sometimes get so caught up in the whole productivity log side of it and also, the deeper side of writing, that I feel like simple posts like this don’t belong on here. But, they do; of course, they do!

And as an individual, my emotions, my thoughts, my moods and my reactions to the Universe’s flow come in different colors and shades and shapes. And all of them are valid and worth, if no one else’s, my own time. They all deserved to be acknowledged, appreciated and embraced.

Now, this is so not what this post is going to be about but I think it is worth the mention. One of my new year’s resolutions is to “let my emotions shine again” which is intimately linked to “Not be afraid to be fully me, always.” Where these come from is the poor coping mechanism that originated from all the self-censor and shutting down provoked by the small repetitive teasing & joking around of my peers.

I could write a lot about this topic, and I will, eventually at some point. All I wanted to say right now is that it is an issue that I am working on and this what this post is about in a way also. Allowing all parts of myself to shine and co-exist on my blog is a first step towards that goal of gaining back what I thought I had to steal from myself to survive. So, let’s start, shall we?!

So far, this week has been going pretty good for me on many aspects!

I recovered from my sore throat very quickly and I’ve been rather productive. I mostly stayed in the house until I was sure I was completely recovered but I didn’t go crazy! I did a nice little amount of walking these past two days to make up for it, and I got to see Esther again (finally!!).

Today, I spent a long time in the morning working on the next chapter of my story, Uncage the Night. It’s coming along pretty nicely although I’m still unsure whether to keep that chapter as part of the story or keep it as an extra, after the story ends. It’s a disturbing one, but in a different way than every other is disturbing… It’s really weird to write it but it is such a crucial part of the story. Maybe not crucial but it is part of it and there is no way for me to just cut it out. It’s here to stay. One way or another.

Then, it took me forever to get ready as I was chatting with my best friend at the same time. I went for a walk down to Douglas. The plan was to go out for lunch on my own again and launch myself into yet another personal/creative project that I’m starting this year(which I’ll talk about later in another post! 😉 ). But, what I got instead was ten new markers and a tiny anxiety fit. Yeah…

It was a very small one but it took a lot of energy out of me. I swear it was such a teensy-weensy one. I wanted to go to a certain restaurant to eat, but as I walked in front of it and I saw the people inside, I just kept walking past it. And literally nothing happened. But there was anxiety involved and it still drained me. So I walked back up, took the loooong way home, and got me some chocolate chip cookies on my way back. It was tiny, but it still wrecked me; physically and mentally.

My body was tired. I was disappointed and a little bit saddened by the very lame surprise that interrupted my good time out. And when I got home, all I did was sing. Which helped me feel better. I just now posted a few clips on my Instagram and also a new cover on my YouTube channel. And I’m really happy about it in a way because, although it is FAR from really good, I can hear so much progress in my voice and it just sounds so… I’m not sure what it is. But it gives me hope & confidence about my musical future to be honest.

On the same topic, I’ve secured my spot for the 25th February vocal workshop in Douglas. I paid (I mean, my best friend did and I sent her a fancy fancy chèque) and I just can’t wait to go!! This is going to be soooo awesome!

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After the singing, when my host family got back home, I played around with watercolor for a few minutes, still needed to settled down from the anxiety fit. And then I did some hand study, using my crooked hands as reference. Using my A5 sketchbook more is part of my goals for this month because I only used it four times during my evening art classes and I’m not gonna lie, the size impresses me a bit; so I’m stepping out of the comfort zone, into the progress zone, yo!

 

I also worked on music theory. And well, what I’ve been doing is, basically, go back to the start of my book (once again!) to take notes this time with every chapter as I feel it helps me digest the content better. So right now my learning is in suspension, at the chord progressions chapter, and with my notes I’ve just reached the scales chapter (which is only four chapters away). I’ll catch up eventually! Goal for the month also!

If you follow my Instagram, you would know that I’ve finally gotten more serious about my learning to write with my left-hand. I have managed to work a bit on it everyday so far. And I intend to keep it that way. I’m doing really good!

Just like with the guitar, it is not actually learning, it is more about passing on already acquired skills to my left-hand. I can write pretty well already. It is shaky, slow and clumsy but I’m confident that by the end of this year, I’ll be very good at it!

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In other news, there’s a tropical cyclone close to my island right now. ‘Tis the season after all. We often got cyclones in January, I remember. Last time I read about it it was right on top of Madagascar and it’s been doing a lot of damages over there. It is so big compared to tiny Reunion Island! Ha ha ha. I went through a small storm a little while ago here in Ireland, so, chacun son tour!

And I think that’s about it for today! It was pretty weird and all over the place, but overall, it was a very good day! I still had a good time outside and walking still felt good through the struggle. Being home to my host family at the end of the day also helped a lot! And I am glad that I managed to get some work done!

Here’s to markers and anxiety fits! hehe

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P.S.: I haven’t touched my guitar very much during this week or ever since the school break to be honest. But I’m very excited since the Synyster Gates school has finally been launched! Anybody heard of it? Anyways, the kids are going back to school next week so that’ll mean more guitar time for me!!! ❤

Last drawing of the year…

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*insert ominous music here*

Ha ha ha! This is actually a pretty hopeful drawing! I drew it earlier while I was watching a horror movie. I really wanted to sketch something quickly, looked around and saw my hand. At first, I didn’t want to do it because I knew it would be hard but then I realized, wtf, the struggle will teach you, don’t cower from it! And so I gave it a shot. And it turned out not so bad, my crooked hand…

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It’s all in the palm of your hands… Your dreams, your life; all of it. Grab your reality by the neck, tell it “You belong to me!” and make it what you want it to be! 2018 is yet another year to make things happen.

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I know it’s not been easy. You all got your personal lot of hard times and I know it’s all so heavy. But you made it so far, and that is in fact a beautiful thing. You’ve been brave, you’ve been strong and you’ve been so much more. Now, keep on searching for the light, guys, there’s so much good to come! ❤