Turn the page, new chapter!


For once in my life, I feel in sync with the seasons.

Autumn. I’m shedding skin, letting the grime and knives accumulated over these past few years fall off my body like dead leaves. I’m changing shape. Living again; no– living, at last! I’m turning a heavy lot of pages and entering a new chapter of my life.

I thought that stepping on that plane on August 25th would have been it, but as it turns out (SURPRISE! not), walking forward is a process and I am still in the middle of turning the last page before I can get to that new chapter. I think that these past seven months have been the long transition between that previous chapter, one about learning the hard way, growing and falling backwards, and the one that awaits me which, I can only imagine, will be filled with a lot of the same things but with a brighter sky and lighter frown.

I have been in Ireland for almost a month now and it still hasn’t sunk in. This might be the main reason why it has been so difficult for me to write about it (watch me try to talk here); it doesn’t feel real.

I’ve been here a while now, have settled in, even met a few new people apart from my host family but it still feels like a dream. Maybe because it is a dream… A dream come true! That’s probably too much for my brain to handle considering all the disappointment, frustration and chaos it’s been faced with over the last decade. I mean, I got what I wanted and it’s a good thing and I’m happy. How?

I believe (hope) that eventually it will feel real to me, this new reality that I’ve been blessed with. But so far it hasn’t stopped me from doing anything, so it’s not that big an issue, probably just a sign that I haven’t settled in completely and still need to adjust to that life. Like I said, still transitioning; new chapter’s right around the corner and I’m just floating right now, caught between the last page and the new one. I’ll get there.

Even if it might not feel like it yet, this is fact not fiction for the first time in years (Death Cab for Cutie just stealing the spotlight here).

I am in Ireland now. I’m an au pair now. I live in a lovely family and look after two kids and I’m happy.

I am much far away from home but I’m where I chose. I can feel myself growing and breathing. I’m good. I’m doing things and I’m ready to do much much more.

I have dreams, I have hope and I have support from all around. I am lucky. I am blessed. I am thankful.

This is just the beginning but I can tell already that it’s going to be the best adventure since forever. I know it that this big opportunity that I managed to seize will open doors in and out. My dreams are now a baby step (What the fuck do you mean, “baby step”? That was a huuuuge leap I took man, a huge leap!) closer and I’m ready to reach recklessly and relentlessly.

I’m running.

I’m looking forward to more days. The adventure has begun and, well… Fuck it! Give me all you’ve got, I’ll take it. The doors are open, let the adventure flood, I’ll go with the flow. I’m burning with excitement and on my two feet. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. It’s the little things, it’s the simple ones and the bigger, complex ones.

Life. Yes.

 

Let me just end this with a Brooklyn Nine-nine quote that I’ve grown to think will come in handy in many tomorrows that I’ll be turning into yesterdays in my future. What a sentence!

Eyes closed, head first; can’t lose!

Until next hope, let life teach you and teach you again and keep pushing through. ❤

P.S.: this definitely does mean that I am finally going to reorganize my blog and get all this mess sorted out! (maybe this weekend, although I have plans, but soon, for sure this time!)

 

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I know.


The lights come on; the darkness shines again.

The good feelings slide down her body and onto the floor like a dress made out of silk and the weight returns to her shoulders. And there she stands, naked and covered in darkness, under the bright lights that reveal the skeleton of the stage; the flesh and bones of the magical beings she was one with only seconds ago. It is a long and quiet walk back to the hotel room. There are so many feelings, so many reactions and too many thoughts racing through her right now. She smiles. Forever.

The light leaves her eyes and fills the room.

She lies on the bed all night long. Her body enjoys its comfort during these eternal seven hours during which she cannot fall asleep. Buzzing in her head, ringing in her ears, a smile glued to her tired yet blissful face and that feeling devouring her heart and soul. It eats her away, but not in the way that you’d think. It eats her away and makes her whole again. It fills these empty spaces, the dots on the map, the blank spaces in the story. And she’s being chewed on all night. And all morning. And all week. And it never ends.

The light leaves the lamp and fills her heart.

She recalls that night where darkness was home to light and she was all lit up. The stage had her. Her eyes, her ears, her heart and mind. Not a piece of her was kept to herself. She was wide open and her insides enjoyed the fresh air for once. She recalls home as she stands in the middle of her dark room. She looks outside and sees the lighters held up high in the sky. And as she eagerly presses the button on her phone, the first note hits her and takes her back to the stage. Now she’s standing on it, with her heroes besides her and she is the one she knows she is growing to be. She closes her eyes and lets the rain inside drown out the beat of her impatient heart.

The light leaves the moon and goes back to the sun. But the darkness inside is not gone nor is the revived flames and the eternal light, and they eat away at her. Forever. And she smiles.


This was my attempt at writing how attending the Avenged Sevenfold show made me feel. I wrote it in my phone while I was dizzy on my way back home the morning after with zero sleep and eventually forgot about the note. And as I was looking through my phone a few weeks ago I saw it again and I thought that it was really interesting. So I edited it and then eventually read it in a video on channel #2 BUT I somehow never found the time nor the will to really publish it on here! But, finally here it is! x)

Attending this show was like one of the best things that happened to me so far this year. It just gave some truths I already was familiar with a much louder voice and it was like a sweet sweet REMINDER.

Out there, in the dark, the noise, the crowd, the fire (thank you Disturbed for the pyrooooo!!), I found my place. At first, I wanted to title this text “Homesick from shows” because that’s how it felt like and still feels like. I was in a perfect place where I could breathe and feel my everything just smile at the universe and I had to walk away from it and into a dull room filled with bitterness and anxiety; that hollow polka dotted shell.

And for the following weeks, I wore the biggest smile and I was just filled with everything good, everything strong and I still had that feeling inside of me. It had become like a second skin but one that I wore under my flawed flesh bag, like warm tights under my worn out jeans in winter. And it kept me feeling strong for a long while. Then, yes, I had a bit of a good fall but it only showed me where I stood or at least, where I aimed to stand once I could cement my bones back together again.

When I read these few paragraphs again last week for my video, I just felt the fire burn inside of me. It was like the flames were reacting to my reading out loud those words, like my nephew reacting to my sister’s laughter or my dog to my calling his name. The flame inside was rejoicing as I was re-discovering its existence and giving it enough space to breathe anew.

I was assaulted by yet another wave of darkness, that hit me real hard. And it only added to the heavy cloud I carry around. Half of me might still be down or maybe less. But it doesn’t matter. The mayhem inside, the light from the show is here and the many flames that I am, alongside the rain that is also me; it’s all still here and it fuels me. Just like my fear. And just like my joy and the kind loving words of the souls that I encounter. I don’t live like I’m not alive anymore. I am stronger now and I can clearly see where I’m aiming, and I won’t stop shooting. I’m not allowing myself to stand in my way anymore!

I already knew. I always knew that this was what I wanted. But after that night, I knew.

This isn’t a dream anymore nor has it actually ever been. It isn’t just something to believe in and hope for it to happen, hope that I have what it takes to make it happen. No. After that night, it was crystal clear; it is truth, a fact, a reality that I only have to walk towards. It is happening. It will happen. There is no other way. Not because I hope it will; not because I have decided it will. Because there is no other way. This is the reality that I have been walking towards ever since I learnt how to and even when I wasn’t noticing, every step that I laid before me (and sometimes behind or above/underneath; fuck straight lines) were and still are leading there.

I don’t think the Universe is merciless, I think it is full of love and compassion and if you show it your heart, it’ll help. Maybe there is such a thing as fate, but maybe it isn’t such a sad thing as a steel path your ankles are chained to and you have to follow forever. Maybe it is that dull pre-written grey path that we all are set out to walk on as we come into this world… But maybe with our ability to love, hope, dream, and all of that magic of the soul, it slowly becomes filled with flowers and trees and sunshine, and whatnots as we walk through it, and through life as the universe reads each of our hearts’ sighs and sends us these ladders and fuel tanks when it deems are wishes honest enough. I don’t know about that, I can only make up these little stories like a kid and try to explain the unexplainable to my underused ape brain.

But what I’m sure that I know now is what I want. And from now on, I’ll be walking towards my reality while actually looking at it, and seeing its shiny top far away on the horizon and following that damn light. I’m not walking a confused walk anymore. I see it. I know it. And I’m happening.

I am the fire. And I know how I want to burn.

Everything you need is already inside of you, it’s just all up to you to decide what you use, how much, how long and what for. I know you probably hear that a lot around you and it sounds so cliché and maybe you’re one of those that are like “seek of hearing this Hakuna Matata motto from people who won the lotto but [you’re] not that lucky” (direct quote from Set It Off’s Why Worry, awesome song, go listen!!!). But lemme tell you, I’ve been in places, situations, states of mind and I’ve seen and heard stories, and I can assure you that YOU ARE THE KEY. And I know that it’s usually pretty hard to realize it, especially when you’re deep in the whole, been there, done that. But it is indeed true. And that’s why I will keep repeating it while I still can, while I still stand.

This is one of those things that you know deep inside of you. You have the power over your life, maybe not always completely with all the money bullshit and such, but always over how you experience things, how you react and how you let it all impact you. Sometimes you need a reminder. So I’ll keep repeating it, to remind myself, and remind you.

You are the fire. You are the fuel. You can get up. You can stand up again. And you can decide where to go, who to be. It’s all up to you. The key’s in your hands,down your throat, in your heart. Trust yourself and let your light shine.

Anyways. I hope I did spread some light or at least a few sparks. And hmm, well… Until next post, don’t forget. ❤

This isn’t real.


These hands are blurred. Saltwater is red. This isn’t real.

It comes in waves. I’m shaking. And then it stops. Why? And then it starts again. This isn’t real.

This room is so black, this screen so bright. This isn’t real.

I’m cold. I’m scared and alone. I’m terrified. Overwhelmed and empty. Two pills numbed me. This isn’t real.

I don’t want it to be real. Not anymore. This isn’t real. If this is reality, then reality is a prison and I want out.

Peter Pan, come take my hand; take me away, to a world I can breathe in without painting my lungs so black and decaying.

This isn’t real. I don’t wanna be awake if this is real.

I’m not even there.

Getting a tank full of fuel.


(WARNING: There’s more than two pictures of my face in this post what)

You know how some things you just know to be true and don’t need no proof or anything? Well, that’s one of those things.

I’ve always known that music is what drives me and fuels me. I was making up my own (embarassing) songs as soon as I knew how to talk. Just ask my mom, she loves telling these stories. :-p It’s always been there. I’ve always known.

I’ve always known that music was what I intended to devote myself to but with school and fear and just, being young and not really knowing better, I denied it. I used to tell it only to my mom and sisters that I wanted to sing. But as I grew up, I gave up the idea. Not because I lost interest in music (how could that happen?) but because, even that young,

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Here’s a young me… 8? 10? Idek

I realized that this wasn’t what people wanted to hear. And also, I truly feared the way others would look at me for choosing the crazy path and the questions they would ask. I didn’t want to be questionned, and judged, and mocked… I dreaded it, so I just gave in and shut up.

Instead, I decided that I would say that I want to be a teacher. I would lie so they would be happy but it wouldn’t change how I felt inside. And well, at some point, I actually had completely given up the idea; victim to my own game. I wanted to be a vet. I still sang everyday while doing my homework but that’s it. Then, obvisouly, it popped right back out like it should.

Still, when it came back to me I kept avoiding it. “Subtly” fleeing from what I can’t escape, my true nature. I made plans that on the surface, and the way I’d explain them, sounded kind of coherent, but really were just me hiding because I was terrified. And actually, those plans only sounded coherent to me because I wanted to believe they were. Because, honestly, if you go to someone that tells you “I love music and I want to be a singer. So, right now I’m studying drama and next year I’ll be going to college to study Hebrew (which I did not end up doing) and no, I’m not doing anything music-related on the side”, you don’t think that makes any kind of sense, do you?

I was just running because this is a scary thing to want and also a very big thing and I’m so tiny. I would just create these excuses of plans and say to myself that they would actually benefit me in some ways and even if not directly affect my musicianship, at least teach me about life. Well, I wasn’t so wrong about that; I’ve had my fair share of life lessons. But what I was stupid to do was put the one thing I actually want on the side, like a simple hobby, and put all these other things in the foreground. Not only was it stupid because, well, it’s my main goal but also because that actually forced me in places where I didn’t belong and brought me more misery than I already create on my own.

I forced myself into these spots and just drained the energy from me, struggling to survive in environments where I just couldn’t fully bloom. It also was really challenging my patience as I’d always end up counting the days before that segment of hell would end by the first to second week of it. I’d then just remain in the waiting room. Waiting for this stupid choice to be over so I can move on to something else. And then I’d make another stupid decision which eventually lead us to now.

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Love my blue lipstick btw

This past year, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with that “done” feeling. Done with waiting. Done with the hiding. I want it and I want it now. Except that I’m actually stuck here for three more months now as I just can’t get out of a stupid decision like this. So, what I’m filled with is more frustration as I now have this growing will and need to do all it takes to be better and become the me that I want but am stuck here.

I’m older now and I’ve finally completely given in to my own desires. I’ve always known but now I am ready to fight for it. Because I see that there is truly nothing else that I want this much. This is who I want to be and I can’t change it. No more hiding. I’ve been feeling a lot better and confident since I decided to put an end to that bullshit and it’s awesome. 😀

As much as everything seem to be crumbling around me lately, I know that things are just falling into place. Destroy to rebuild or something. It’s just making way for something better, something bigger. I’ve had people walk out of my life and tough times, and new decisions, and it’s all just making way for something better; my brighter dark. I’ve finally gotten myself to run in the right direction and that’s cool. Running is all I do, but now I can sleep soundly knowing that I’m actually aiming at what matters.

I’ve always known but I just needed to get slapped in the face. I needed a reminder, not a proof. I needed fuel for my fire that I so subtly murdered. And so far, this month has been full of it, and it’s just the start of it all…

The music still resonates in my soul.

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In the most comfy bed ever (in which I didn’t sleep)

I saw Avenged Sevenfold (+ Chevelle & Disturbed ❤ ) which you can read about here if you haven’t/want to. It exceeded all my expectations and surprised in more ways that I could have imagined. It awoke things in me and filled me up with some nice energy.

I felt a lot of things and understood a lot of things that night. I belonged there, in that crowd, in the dark, out there, where the music is. Seeing these dudes on stage and all these souls in the crowd, it was beyond magical and more than a wake up call, it was fuel and a proof.

Beyond the headache and the ringing in my ears that haunted me all day after it was over, it’s the feeling it left me with. Ever since I walked out of the venue, I’ve been feeling different. I saw my heroes IRL and one of them hugged me; guess it was the best slap in the face I ever got. Sure, that was amazing and I’ll never forget. But the real important thing that happened in me is that I deeply realized that I am right. This is who I want to be. This is where I want to be. It just washed away any doubt and any negative fear I had. All that’s left now is fuel.

Also, last Thursday I had my first voice lesson! I wasn’t anxious at all as I was still very high from the show and it went amazing. I mean, it was a first lesson so a lot of talking and just getting to know each other. When it came to the singing I tensed up a lot and wasn’t able to sing Ain’t It Fun so I ended up singing Girl Crush (Little Big Town, although I’ll admit that I prefer Halestorm’s version over the original :3 ) and it felt better. I was still tensing up but a little less as I didn’t have to go so high or anything and eventually relaxed a bit. But yeah, it was a first time so I didn’t exactly go all-in because I need a little time to be okay with a new person! 😛

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pre 1st-voice-lesson selfie

This lesson was true fuel too. The teacher is amazing. She’s really nice and gosh I loved it when she sang to me because she has such control and everything is there (like it should! x) ). Ha ha! And she told me something that boosted my confidence. Sure, there’s a lot of work to do here, especially when it comes to the tensing up and also the open-your-goddamn-mouth-Chloë part. But she said she saw real potential for power and that I had really nice voice, a nice tone. And, well, it felt really good. It’s not the first time that someone tells me this. I’ve been told before that I do sing well and so on, just never from an actual professional and with these specific words, you know? It meant a lot and I’m really excited for the next lesson, which will be on the 16th. This only “confirmed” my hope if I may say that I can be a better singer and only gave me more hope for my future!

I don’t know if I’m going to keep working on Girl Crush or if I’ll find another song. But what I know is that I really can’t wait to go back and explore and let go and just, climb that next step!

Also, I’ve been considering actually NOT buying a guitar… I know, it sounds crazy to me too… But I actually only have three months left here in Lille, then I’ll be back home in July and a bit of August where there will be a guitar (right-handed one, but it’ll do) and then when I’m back I’ll have to get ready to leave for Ireland. So I thought, I could just keep saving the money and buy it later, once I’m in Ireland maybe. That way, I can focus on the voice lessons and I will be travelling lighter. Not saying it’s set in stone yet, but I’ve been considering it; a lot.

So yeah. March has always been a pretty shitty month for me but this year, it’s the one that is bringing the wind of change. Tomorrow I will be meeting Kim in Paris and this is going to be awesome too! I’ll probably have a few pics to share on Insta or maybe even on here. 🙂

I’m really thankful for what is happening to me. The wake up calls, the pain, the tears, the people leaving, the BRIAN HUGGED ME, everything, really. It’s all just been so real. Not all 17156130_1379521202115285_2889068106658481903_nrainbows and butterflies but amazing nonetheless. These past four weeks have been more eventful than my three years of college put together. That show fueled me real good and just made all the pains and bullshit I’ve bathed in these last six years seem so little. I’ve been having real hard times too but really, I’m just not afraid anymore. Not afraid of hurting and not afraid of becoming who I want to. This is all been amazing and I really hope I will keep making the best out of this month! I’m making my own path cos my shoes were too big for the ones already paved. 😉

Here’s to all the joy that is to come, all the things that I’m alive to feel, more fuel to my fire. I’m just getting started. ❤

Land ho!, a tale of blisters, light and hope


What a week I had! I think that it makes up for all the times I traded a work out session for some (as in ‘a whole damn lot of‘) Ben & Jerry’s. 😉

My friend and I had to leave the house we lived in for the past year so we could save more money to visit our parents on Xmas and also travel a bit. So, we got ourselves a small flat close to the university (in a dormitory). It’s really nice and the rooms here are bigger than in most dormitories. A little bit more expensive than a tinier one, obviously, but worth it. We’re like a few steps away from college and won’t have to worry about burning all our money on subway tickets!

As two very lame non-driver students, we had to move all our things by foot and with the help of the subway (thank God for that!). Safe to say it was very exhausting! Especially with the fact that the sun was out all week. I swear, ALL damn week long! We’ve had a few cloudy days the previous week but this week, we had next to no cloud in the sky and a very strong sun lighting our path. Awesome! x)

I’m not very sure of the numbers but I’ll try to give you an idea. Usually, we’d take 5 to 10 minutes to walk from the house to the metro station and 10 to 15 minutes from the other station to the dormitory. With the bags, it took twice as long and sometimes more as we had to take more breaks as we got more tired with each trip and with the sun. Eventually, it took us from one hour to one hour and a half to make a round-trip. From Monday, 5PM to yesterday 6PM, I think we made a round 16 round trips (maybe more).

One awesome thing though is that after we were done with the light paperwork and returning our keys to the landlord, he drove us near the dormitory. Our legs were delighted! 😀

So, it was a very long week which drained us quickly. We were already breaking on Wednesday. Ha ha!

Yesterday was really the hardest of all days. Our bodies were reaching the limit and I could barely walk in a straight line. But it’s over now and we got to rest. Last night, we had a nice dinner in a perfect little Asian restaurant. I also had the best night sleep in a while on a real damn mattress (after a year on inflatable mattresses or blankets simply laid on a wooden floor)! Weirdly enough, I feel really great today. 😀

So, on this sunny Saturday morning, I wanted to share with you a little something that this week has told me. Well, maybe not exactly told me, more like reminded me.

I believe it was on Tuesday when it crossed my mind. We were walking, and gasping for air under the sun in the parking lot, which is a nice bunch of feet from the dorm. We made a little stop under a tree’s shadow to take a little breather and also some time to whine about how tired we already were and how we couldn’t possibly move everything on time before Friday, 5PM. Then it hit me like it hadn’t in a while.

The ultimate jolt of energy.

It is that feeling that comes out of nowhere when you’re doing something really hard/exhausting and you’re reaching that limit and it feels like you’re going to break. It is that strength that comes out of nowhere just when you feel like you can’t bear it anymore. Well, maybe it doesn’t come out of nowhere actually. It is injected in your bloodstream by the rays of hope that pierce the sky as you realize you aren’t that far from the next step anymore. It is the sudden strength that seizes your body when you look up and can see the last set of stairs.

You’ve been through the rain, the storm, the heat, the harsh waves and you feel despair and darkness slowly crawl in the back of your mind, ready to spread and make you abandon ship. But then, the ocean shakes your ship and forces you to look up and there it is. Land ho! That spark of hope that is enough to keep you going. You see what I mean?

We were mostly fueled by applesauce this week. So, it was easy to get weak halfway through the first half of the journey. But then, we’d walk a few steps in the parking lot and see the bus stop and get that little jolt of energy to walk a little faster and get to sit there to rest a bit. The bus stop was our “Land ho!” moment. And sitting there felt like some cheaper version of Heaven. From there, we had only a few more steps to take to reach the building. So this helped rekindle the fire and get the engine running again, already rejoicing to the idea of putting the damn bags down in the room and take our shoes off for a moment.

The ultimate jolt of energy like a kick in the ass from a foot with the flesh of Hope and the shoe of Faith. It doesn’t erase the tiredness, the pain or anything, but it puts them way in the background because at that moment you really see how tiny they are, just details. And at that moment, all you think about is your goal and all you wanna do is get there and you will. This jolt of energy actually restores the state of mind you had before all the hardship, when you were ready to tear apart the world to get to where you were headed; back when you still had the naivety to believe that you could make it without bruises and in one piece.

Alright. I think you’ve got it by now! Ha ha. I might have went a little far with the words (as always) but I think I made my point! 😉

We live in hope. Hope lives within us. And often, it’s what keeps us alive. It’s a mix of wish and certainty. It is desire AND confidence which is why I believe it can make us so strong. You want it to happen but you aren’t just wishing, you know it will, you believe it will. So you stick around to see if it actually does because you can’t be sure, it’s still part-wish.

Alright. I’m almost done. Long read, I know! 😛

All of this was just for me to say that often people would give up a few steps before they reach their bus stop, the big tree’s shadow, because they were overcome with the hardship. And it’s sad.

Now, every time I feel I want to give up, I remind myself that maybe that means I ain’t that far from the last set of stairs so maybe I should keep going because ultimately I want to climb that damn building. It’d be a shame to go through the pain of going down the stairs that you managed to live through in the first place just because you can’t bear it anymore. I want to reach the next floor so why should I be thinking of going down?

So, if you feel like giving up, look for some place to rest and if you don’t see one, just sit exactly where you are and rest. Give your body and mind the time to gather more strength to go on and then keep going. I don’t think there’s ever a time where turning back is interesting. Think of it that way: going back will make you more tired too, so if you have to suffer some more, wouldn’t you it rather be to get a little closer to your goal?

Point made. I believe. 😉

Thanks for reading! ❤

Glitch & Crash chilling on a pile of clothes


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Look at my two babies chilling together! I went through a lot to get these two and it’s worth remembering…

 

I bought Crash last year on March, 2nd (and I just screamed because I JUST realized that I MISSED his birthday… 😦 ) after Twenty One Pilots’ Tyler Joseph talked me into it(I swear he did… Through his awesomeness and songs! 😀 ). I remember I was trying to write a song for my best friend with Revenge(which was my first electric guitar, a right-handed one! I shall write a post about her one of these days, she deserves it!) and trying to put other words into melodies but I just couldn’t get it right. So I thought “why not buy a uke? It sounds fun and I think it’ll help me unblock whatever it is that is block or at least just take a break from playing just the guitar”. #actualthoughts

I was staying at my sister’s for college and the only piano which our family owned(which is a very old electric one) was at our mom’s place and I was really not getting anywhere with Revenge so I bought it. I remember it didn’t get delivered at the flat because, for whatever reason, they had come early in the morning(and by early I mean 9AM probably…) and didn’t even call. So I had to take a bus – and I, of course, dragged Leslie through all this with me – and go to a somewhat far place to grab my uke. It was a nice little adventure and I was so excited. I still remember when we sat at the bus stop and I got him out of the box he was in so I could put him in his Gator soft case. He had this amazing smell – and still has today – and I was seduced. It’s got to be the smell of the wood or something but I love it. Every time I smell it, it reminds me of the sun of my home and of the food I ate at the university refectory(they had these amazing chicken kebabs, on Mondays if I recall, with french fries!!!! And there was also this dude that was always there and I liked seeing him, nothing more to it! 😛 )and of a lot of good things.

So, Crash is an electro-acoustic soprano ukulele. More precisely the Eagletone Coconut S20EQ electro acoustic ukulele. And above all else, he’s my friend(as sad as this may sound). He’s really important to me. Like, a little earlier this year I was considering selling him to get a few money to save to go to UK. This is one of the worst idea I ever had. I’m glad I didn’t. He smells so good and even though he’s not perfect, I like his sound and I love when we make music together! 😀

 

And then, there’s Glitch(a beautiful green left-handed Eastwood Airline Bighorn) which I got on January, 5th of this year. After three months of my left index finger healing from the – huuuuuge(not) – and me desperately waiting, I finally understood that my finger, even though it healed okay, wouldn’t allow me to play guitar as a right-handed anymore. It took me three months to realize that. But when I realized it, I immediately ordered it on woodbrass.com. I remember it was a rainy day and after that I was broke and survived with sardines and bread. Ha ha! But it was worth it all.

Went to the post office to pick it up – because AGAIN I missed the delivery – and with that same friend, Leslie! 😉 The package was so light I was scared there was nothing in it. When I arrived at my house and opened it, God, it was so shiny! First thing I did was take a picture to show my mom why I would be leaving under a bridge in a few months! 😛

One of the best thing that happened to me this year. I mean, she even made cutting my finger sound like the best thing ever! I’ve been a left-handed player for almost four months now and I’ve made progress so much faster than I did with Revenge and probably mostly because I have only now realized how much I wanted music to be a part of my life and how easily things could be taken away from me.

I have only two hands, this my second but surely also my last one. I can’t mess this up. Music is all I am so I’ll do more than just my best to keep it in my life. I don’t see myself doing anything else and sincerely, if this dream is taken away from me my heart will cease to pump blood in my veins and I would cease to exist. I don’t see the point of a life without music. And I surely can’t picture MY life without music.

 

Here’s to us! Here’s to dreams! Here’s to the present! Here’s to food! Here’s to the future! And here’s to bleeding fingers!

Gritting teeth


I said things, meant things,

That I still do mean.

Words I spat onto paper

Printed on my mirror.

You hurt me so I meant mean things

That I still mean; it stings.

I need a cleansing.

I wrote things, did things,

That destroyed me.

This venom I spit so easily,

It had to be drained,

It had to be scrubbed,

Off my running mouth.

So I went to the bathroom

And did all that I could

To get it out my putrid wound.

I grabbed my toothbrush,

My scavenge tool,

And I scrapped my gums,

My dirty tongue,

Until that gaping hole

Was filled with blood.

And there was so much that

I couldn’t help but

Swallow it all.

I gulped it down!

It left my mouth,

I feel it now,

Running freely

Through my venal veins…

And I sit here, in the dark,

Waiting for it to reach my heart,

Where it’ll perhaps light up a spark.