The Fighter in Me


I’ve been a waste of space lately. Let’s be honest; this isn’t an overstatement. A piece of shit. My demons have gotten me really down and I’ve been a lazy leech just feeding on nothingness.

I got down and I stayed down, figured “hey, I’ll just bury my head in the ground for a few decades, no big deal” because I just couldn’t take this life so I just tried my best to ignore the fact that I exist. I was having an existential crisis and I just couldn’t be bothered to actually deal with it or with any of the storm’s bullshit so I just looked away.

However, yesterday (which is now two days ago) as I got out of the bus (I took the wrong one) and walked (while texting my anxiety away, narrating my stupidity to my bff) in a haste (I was late) to my therapist’s office (what a pretty messy morning, I swear), I heard a tiny *click* coming from the back of my head. As I raised my eyebrows and my eyes grew to be the size of the moon, I realized something.

Somehow all this early morning anxiety and lack of sleep had managed to trigger the right switch and unlocked a tiny little door from which came a revelation. I didn’t have much time to actually even begin to touch it with the tip of a finger that day because I was so tired. When I got back home, just slipped on my good ol’ depressed pants and trustworthy “what’s the point” shirt and faded to black once more.

But today; I mean, yesterday (what is time, I ask, what is TIME), I was getting really excited about going outside to explore a nearby place which I pass by when I take (the right) bus to see my therapist (who’s actually a nurse??). So, as I waited for the sun to just stop being so sunny so I could step out and do the adventure thing without burning to my death, I actually had time to let the revelation sink in. And just as I was ready to walk out the door, I had to jump on a piece of paper and pen to scribble all the words that just rained on me as it suddenly hit me and I saw it.

I saw the fighter in me.

I’ve been hiding, running away and just bathing in denial, forcing myself to ignore pretty much all that there is to life. I had completely given up on trying and was looking very seriously into giving up on everything and settling for a life into the nothingness. And yet, even as I, on the surface, was giving up, it was here in me and still doing its job. The fighter in me, that part that just doesn’t know how to give up and always fights for my life, even when I feel that I’ve indeed given up.

When I sat at my desk that morning the day following the *click*, I realized that, even though if not as intensely as I was supposed to, I indeed thought about those things that I was trying so hard not to think about while I was “wasting my days away”.

I was convinced that I had managed to give up for once and that I truly was on my way to that impossible reality where I don’t bother nor believe in dreams, light and a greater use of my time on beautiful Mother Earth. I truly thought that I had manage to kill all the light left inside of me and to be honest, I was actually happy about it. Because, let’s face it, this whole existence and fighting against the current to do things that you love and be a bigger “you” it’s just so exhausting and frustrating; so, managing to give up was actually a relief.

Now I wouldn’t have to worry about energy. I could be tired all the time and it wouldn’t matter because nothing would matter anymore. I could just bathe in darkness all year long and just lie on the floor, wait for the lightning to strike me and put an end to the joke. Nothing mattered. I had succeeded in taking away all of the anxiety triggers, all the problems, all the overthinking, all the horribly demanding efforts to go against the storm to do all those things and also all the good stuff like love and vegetables.

I don’t wanna be a musician, an artist with four arms that do all these different things and doesn’t suck at them. I want to be a mashed potato without seasoning and extra extra extra cheese and a nice side dish of “nope; I don’t life”.

I FUCKING WISHED RIGHT?

Turns out that I was right when I thought that it was truly impossible for me to give up and that time I said that even when I was giving up, I wasn’t. I just didn’t know HOW RIGHT I was.

I tried my best to keep my mind busy and not think about real questions and about me. I managed to satisfy the apathetic monster inside, feed him all the junk it wanted and become it BUT in the mean time, I also managed to keep fighting in the right direction in a way! Of course, it wasn’t a super effective fighting as there was so little of me involved in the war which is why the *click* took so long to happen. But it was still fighting.

I fed the monster and let it invade the foreground so that I could find a place inside where it was calm, oh so calm, and I could actually think of my life without any parasite.

My choice of distraction could have actually given it away that I was truly just finding a less direct and brutal way to face those questions. And it did. But just after the *click*. I realized that the things I was obsessing over in order not to deal with an overwhelming life, decisions to be made and that crazy wish of living life were, deep down, helping me think exactly about what I was running from.

The fighter in me, the part of me, the spark, that will never stop fighting against the coldest winds that assault me or that I will willingly let in to freeze my soul. That part that, even when reduced to such a tiny size and beaten up, can still stand up for me and what I believe in and resurface, always, and shush the monsters back to their dark corners. (For a while at least, just enough time for the soldiers to get back to their positions and protect that fragile soul)

Now, I haven’t completely gotten rid of the filth that I smeared all over my weak flesh prison. But I’ve been feeling that spark and it’s slowly melting the grime away and bringing some heat back in the main circuits. The fighter is swimming back up. Ha ha! And well, now my laughs don’t just sound like a sound that I send to bounce against the walls and fill up the room with some “nothing wrong here” vibes. I feel less dead. And ready to put myself back on track again.

“You live and then you die, what’s the point anyways, right?” That just doesn’t sound like me. Now, I don’t know if it’s depression or any other part of the storm and I don’t care. I know it’s not me. I don’t think this truly. I’m a stupid child and I believe that there’s more to life than slowly dying as oxygen poisons us. I believe in love and in making dreams come true. And I believe in light in the darkest places. And I BELIEVE.

I might be a fatalist to some extent but I’m what I like to think of as an absurdity, a convention of paradoxes. I always find myself at both extremes at the same time. I’m a fatalist but also an optimistic and a pessimistic and a believer and a skeptic son of a blurp. I’m everything and nothing. But I’m not a person that gives up or one that doesn’t see the magic and beauty in life and beyond.

And now that I’ve slapped myself in the face several times and am slowly waking up from a dead man’s sleep, I can see it again. These words that I spoke, thought, while I was this unseasoned mashed potato (Ha ha, I’m sorry x) I’m almost done, bear with me! :-p ) weren’t mine. I don’t know which demon spoke them but they weren’t mine.

The fighter in me is a real part of me. Those demons and the storm are also a part of me but they don’t define me. They are not me. They are what I believe to be essential parts of the weather in me, the rain that rocks me in bed and make rainbows possible. (You need ups and you need downs, light and darkness; there needs to be a balance in things, this isn’t a happy fairyland where all is well.)

They are parasites but I need them and I cling to them. I need them here but they aren’t part of my identity, they are just these little dark monsters that keep this universe running.  But I am not by any means them. I am not the embodiment of my disorders and, as much as they affect my everyday life and constantly torture me, they are not part of my identity. I consider them parts of me in a way, part of my universe but not me.

Anyways. It’s going to take me a few days to truly get back on my feet and get rid of the bullshit I’m covered in. But I’m getting back up and that’s what matters in the end. I think I actually really needed this time on the floor and horribly dark fake happy days! It’s funny I guess in a way haha

So, I think that’s it. I’m glad I finally managed to get all these thoughts out of my head! I started writing this at 1AM today (which explains the confusion with time at the start of it! 😉 ) and now it’s 6PM. No, I wasn’t writing all this time! I slept and I’m still having very slow days. Recovery is a process and honestly, I was really on the floor so it takes some time to get back up and this time longer than what I’m used to. But yeah, I’m finally done getting it out of my chest and I can actually even more internalize the information now. It feels great.

I’ll end this post on a quote from Fran Bow ( a video game I obsessed over during my little “holiday”, let’s call it this from now on!). I don’t remember which character said it but I’m pretty sure it came from the journal that she found somewhere Idk. I think it’s really fitting with this post and well, off I go fixing myself up!

I don’t need to hide from pain anymore because it’s part of me.

Love is everywhere and in everything.

I enjoy crying.

I enjoy laughing.

I enjoy being alive.

Until next post, don’t lose yourself and keep looking for the light. It’s always there. Even the tiniest spark is enough to keep you going. There’s always light, somewhere, look around, in someone, in something, in the sky, anywhere, anyone, anything. And if you don’t see any light, then maybe think about opening your eyes? Maybe you don’t see because you’re not looking at it the right way. Or maybe you are the light and it’s hard to see yourself shining as you stand in the dark.

Keep running. ❤

P.S.: I, of course, still haven’t re-organized my blog and the categories are still pretty messy. But I’ll get to it eventually, don’t worry! And also, the little walk I had in the “park” that I discovered near where I’m staying was truly refreshing. There were so many ducks and I found two cats that let me pet them and aw, man, I felt really good out there! And I’m planning on going there again, maybe making a point of going every Sunday or so. 😀

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This isn’t real.


These hands are blurred. Saltwater is red. This isn’t real.

It comes in waves. I’m shaking. And then it stops. Why? And then it starts again. This isn’t real.

This room is so black, this screen so bright. This isn’t real.

I’m cold. I’m scared and alone. I’m terrified. Overwhelmed and empty. Two pills numbed me. This isn’t real.

I don’t want it to be real. Not anymore. This isn’t real. If this is reality, then reality is a prison and I want out.

Peter Pan, come take my hand; take me away, to a world I can breathe in without painting my lungs so black and decaying.

This isn’t real. I don’t wanna be awake if this is real.

I’m not even there.

Color Me Undead: a poem and a drawing


COLOR ME UNDEAD

Sunshine is a false friend.

The weather never stays the same inside this hurricane:

Sky’s grey, then blue, then white;

There’s sun and then it rains.

I just never know when it’s safe to rest.

I gotta keep on the move

Always, even when I lose my groove.

Paint me, pain,

For I am a canvas

And I’ve been blank for too long now.

The ground isn’t very stable.

I keep falling in these muddy puddles.

They take away my colors; leave me numb.

Mean cycle; recycle…

Mom, rock me back to my cradle.

Sunshine is a false friend,

The storm it never ends!

Paint me, pain.

Paint me again,

Over and over again.

Give me a face.

Give me hard times.

And, please, leave a trace.

Weather forecast calls for the peeling of my soul.

Layer by layer I melt away

Under the merciless waves

Of this self-perpetuated hell.

Acid rains devour my core.

I barely bleed as I lose my skin.

Colorless; colorblind; who am I?

Paint me, pain.

Help me be again.

Show me I’m alive,

Not living in vain!

Show me who I am!

Show me that I can

Be more than a stain…

There’s still blood in these veins

And strength in these legs.

And next time,

When it rains,

Come back faster to me, friend,

And paint me sane & chained!

Color me undead;

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The drawing was fueled by Halfnoise’s EP The Velvet Face and Paramore’s latest song(which I’m so asdfghjkl about). So I was really feeling that colorful but mournful vibe. Which was already pretty strong with my post Pain is a color and I’m a rainbowAnd the first draft of the poem was fueled by the drawing. And then the real thing was fueled by the storm and insomnia and also eating a green apple past midnight.

It’s 4AM, I’ll try to catch some Zs now. There’s so much I need to say; I’ll try to write a post and let it out, maybe this week, maybe later, I don’t even know anymore.

Until next post, don’t eat apples after midnight and get some sleep ❤

Positive bullets #3


I had to look through my blog just to make sure I didn’t get the number wrong, only to realize that this is only the third P.B.post! I was supposed to go somewhere this afternoon but I kind of freaked out and avoided every bus stop. I couldn’t stop walking and I eventually ended up in the supermarket, buying things I needed, which I was only supposed to do later today, after having went to that place… I felt bad and have been slowly going down since because that tiny wave hit hard.

Then, I bought cat and dog food because there were these nice people from a shelter (I think?) collecting food and donations to help feed abandoned pets. So, that cheered me up a bit. I even bought a special one for kitties because babies… I didn’t give much because I didn’t have much money on me but I did buy some and that felt good to know that this tiny little action could make other souls happy.

On my way back I was thinking about doing another one of these posts because I can feel myself going there again and I don’t want it to devour me completely. So, here they come the positive bullets because I really need them! Let’s take a moment to acknowledge, rediscover, celebrate, what makes me feel alive, what I do love, what activates the happy sparks in my heart.

  • I love smiling at children in the street because when they smile back it makes me feel happy.
  • I’m in love with button mushrooms and broccoli gently cooked with soy sauce; it’s delicious!
  • When I’m walking outside and it’s rained a bit, and I can smell the leaves from the ground and there’s this fresh breath of air that the trees create that embraces me.
  • Hearing my mom’s voice on the telephone
  • Singing with all my heart and not feeling the pressure of the thin walls of this room.
  • Getting excited over anything with my best friend.
  • Passing dogs in the streets and smiling at them!
  • When it rains.
  • I like it when I put slices of cucumber in my water and then I feel so fancy, and it’s refreshing
  • It warms my heart when I see people outside just being themselves; like that woman that I passed earlier, waving at someone in the distance while on the phone with her and feeling that slight fear she had that the person wouldn’t see her or go the other way. It warms my heart to witness life happening in its simplest form.
  • I love hearing my voice teacher tell me that I have potential and my voice can be much greater. It gives me more strength to hang onto hope which sometimes fades when I try to believe in my future.
  • When my little brother sends us a picture on our Facebook family group chat and asks us “What do you think of …?” when we only answer with emojis. The boy needs words!
  • Hotel Books and feeling Cam’s pain and feelings through his voice and words
  • The feeling I get every time I leave my voice lesson which I believe is a mix satisfaction and confidence which I’m not very used to.
  • Watching my favorite tv-show because I’ve grown so attached to the characters and they feel like family and I’m just so happy every time I see them again.
  • I love being sensitive and feeling things very intensely because when the side of the storm that makes me numb hits me I lose a big part of myself and it’s a part that I like a lot.
  • Listening to the Burlesque album, dancing around in my pjs and being overwhelmed by the power of Christina Aguilera’s voice.
  • I like it when I paint my nails and don’t put so much nail polish on my fingers!
  • I love the people that record rain sounds and these kind of Nature stuff and put these long videos up on YouTube because most nights it’s what helps me fall asleep and shut insomnia’s cakehole!

That’s a nice little list we have here! Even though this isn’t curing my heart, I know it helps deep down. 🙂

There’s beauty everywhere, in everything and everyone, I know that, and I don’t want to forget it, ever. When it gets really dark outside, I need to stop for a moment, sit down and remind myself that, even if I don’t see them right now/all the time, there are bright lights out there and they’re always there. And this is what positive bullets are all about. They aren’t no antidote to the day’s darkness, just a reminder of the light. Not because I’m always stuck in the rain means I can’t see the rainbows.

The rainbows are always here because life is made of endless sun and endless rain, and our existences are just these streams that go back and forth from the shadowy, cold places, to the warm, sunny ones. Sometimes, we get stuck on one side for longer than we’d like, but the sky is still the same. We can stare at the rain, at the sun or at the rainbows from any point we stand at; we just need to remember that we can. Sometimes, we’re lucky and we’re stuck in the middle where the rainbows are more obvious and the rain and sun seem so distant. But just like the Earth, we’re always moving, always growing and changing and dying.

I like the way SOAD explains it in their song Aerials: “Life is a waterfall, we’re one in the river then one again after the fall, swimming through the void […]”. Honestly, the whole song is a masterpiece. The lyrics are beautiful.

Sometimes I like to fight against the current, sometimes I like to go with the flow, often my head’s under the water. But I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to stand through the fluctuations and bend when the waves are strong. I’m learning life.

I’m probably going to be having a sad night, let’s be honest. But I have chocolate, I have wine, I have ice cream and endless cheering movies and sad ones and scary ones to watch and float away until dawn…

The sun will rise and we will try again

-Truce, t∅p

I’m going to try and keep writing that chapter now.

Until next post, keep it positive! Don’t underestimate the power of your mind. Even if you can’t wipe away the darkness, you can light up those candles, as tiny as they might be, along your way. The power is in your hands. ❤

Pain is a color and I’m a rainbow.


Darkness isn’t necessarily black. It is not colors that I lack but a darker shade of black; or maybe a bottle of Jack; or stronger bones in my back…

I wanted to make this a poem but it seems the shaking in my mind cannot handle structured writing, so I will have to let it be whatever it decides to be. I will let my fingers type these confused thoughts of mine and stain my white keyboard with the poisonned ink that leaks through my broken nails. Ain’t that just the way it always goes anyways? I am nothing more than the puppet of my own thoughts.

I’ve been thinking about darkness, as in the spots that cover my heart and soul; the pain, the silent wounds, the invisible scars, the bright crevasses. And again, my brain has sewed another fancy disguise for my bleeding soul from the tasteless word-stew that simmers forever in the back of my mouth. Because this blood never lingers on my flesh and shimmers better than when I hum these word-stuffed melodies. I can watch it dance and rejoice as I praise it with my dark poetry, the only music I can create.

Darkness isn’t necessarily black. I can tell because when I look inside, I can see the colorful polka dots adorning my soul.

My best friend used to call me her rainbow, I have lost track of her reason why, but today I have found my own. If I’m a rainbow, pain is a color and my thoughts are artists. And, of course, I’m holding the bigger brush and when I’m not poking my eyes with it, I paint the biggest patches of colors and take care of any needed touch-ups.

My heart is the color of the sky, a blue that gets deeper at night when my soul is an ocean where demons can’t drown.

My hands are the color of fire, a red that gets deeper when I wrap them around my neck tight enough to shut me up.

And my green-tinted smiles they’re here to hide my rotten faith and hopes.

My head is a mess right now. I was already dealing with the storm’s unexpected come-back and now I have all these doubts and whatnots coming uninvited to the party. The place is too crowded, it’s hard to breathe and I’m losing sleep again, and weight, and strength, and hope, and faith. But, believe it or not, I somehow am in better shape than usual. I mean, I’m a mess and this is very heavy to carry around. But I still feel like I’m handling it better than ever before. But maybe that’s just another illusion.

I’m glad I got that out. I had these few lines lying around for a while now and I just had to get them out. They’ll remain here for now. Maybe they will later find home in a poem or a song, if I ever birth one of these again.

And let me just add that, as much as this sounds dramatic, too dark or whatever you wanna call it, I’m a very positive person. Don’t get me wrong, I ooze darkness and cold coffee; but I still shine, even when I shine dark. I might even be the most optimistic person I’ve met so far. I mean, if you trim all the excessive use of words, the dark tone and all the dramatic poetry, there’s light here! Not because I admit and often emphasize the ugly and darkness of certain things (mostly me) doesn’t mean I don’t see the beautiful. I actually, sadly(there it is again!…), see it everywhere.

I don’t like being called a pessimistic or a fatalist or whatever things you people can come up with, because I’m not. I see the light and the beauty in places you would never even think of looking, and I don’t give up even when I do; so shut up with your labels that don’t even fit. And to quote that Paramore song, “For a Pessimistic, I’m Pretty Optimistic“.

Cherish your pets while you have them and water your plants. ❤

I hate phone calls (but I love me)


As I type this, it’s all faded a bit but today (well yesterday now that it’s already one am) I was filled with pride and was pretty much high on it. I made a very important phone call . Let me repeat that. I made a call. I call my mom, sister and best friend pretty often so what’s the deal, right? Well, I don’t really know but fear of phone calls is an actual thing! It took me two hours but I did it. I’m still not sure how.

I tried pep talk, I tried to Schmidt my way out of it (usually it works!), music, breathing exercises, counting to three, running to the phone; NOTHING. Really. No matter how much I tried to explain to myself how important it was and how it was only going to bring good and how it was necessary and not so scary, I just couldn’t do it. I’m guessing I managed out of exhaustion. Like it tend to happens often. But anyways, what matters is that I did it!

I called for voice lessons. That young lady was so nice and damn, as soon as she picked up I felt better. Usually it’s more about the anticipation than the actual thing. I think there’s like a ten-second rule or so. Like you know you gotta do something, but if you let too much time fly between the moment you know you’ve got to and the moment you do it, you leave room for overthinking and it can just ruin everything. I know that very well but sometimes I just slip? 😛 Maybe that’s just how it works for me though, I don’t know. But usually, when I make a phone call, I just gotta go quick and click the damn button, then there’s no turning back and I usually manage the conversation. But if I just stop for a second, I get trap in a web of thoughts and my energy is slowly drained by imaginary spiders and it gets harder and harder to do it…

So, I’ll be having my first ever singing lesson on March 2nd. Why so far? Because I didn’t realize that there is a school break happening very soon and they don’t work during these breaks; so there’s only room then. That’s actually kind of cool co it leaves me time to think of which song(s) I’ll bring to work around. And it is also pretty much the most awesome day ever because it is only TWO DAYS after the Avenged Sevenfold show I’m going to on Feb 28th! I’m really excited because this is just the start of it all. I’m going to make so many more things happen and just seeing start happening before my eyes like that it’s… It feels good! It just feels good, man! 😀

I was really proud of myself. For having managed to call even after two hours of light self-torture. But also because I’m taking steps forward and really getting serious at building my own path. I’m really happy right now.

I’ve got a lot of things to be excited about. A lot of things to work on. There’s just the whole world in front of me. I feel kind of “new”? Like, I can see again. I feel very good and ready. I’m terrified. I am! But I’m just so thrilled about this whole journey. I feel fresh. I feel better. I feel strong again. Able again. Free, lightweight, fearless, terrified, galvanized, de-emptied, creative, everything at once and so little of nothing. That’s a change, right? I almost forgot how it felt. Taking my life. Taking back myself and my everending possibilities.

A dark soul, still. But with a bag full of candles and fuel leaking out of my veins through my fingertips. And I’ve finally took one candle out of the bag and lit it up. Now watch me walk till I run till I fall then run again.

Darkness means light. ❤

Slow, slow, sloooow days (without Glitch)


It’s been really hard ever since I got back for me to get anything done. Time stands still or runs like a thief, either way I’m left starving on the floor. As much as this is frustrating and irritating because, now more than ever, I really feel the importance of working hard and harder at what matters to me, I’ve gotta go with the flow. I might not be working as hard as I should and being productive enough to spit on past-me’s lazy face, but I’m building the bigger steps for my future. Then I’ll have to do all the running.

Last week I sold my guitar.

You WHAT?

I sold Glitch; last week…

Why?

To have money. Although I sold it for a ridiculously low price cos I was in a hurry.

WHY?

I know it sounds crazy but hear me out, it was to buy a flight ticket back home for July/August…

Oh… So you’re just letting go of your foolish dreams?

Heck no! I’ll be leaving for Ireland in August/September, one way (as an au pair) or another (God help me). So I need to see my family and home before the big jump because I don’t know when I’ll afford to be back there again.

So now I feel really alone. x) I mean, no guitar?! How is one supposed to survive that? I can’t even sing freely confined in this room. My fingers are crying because they are not hurting anymore. And my days just feel so empty! I love drawing, painting and writing stories. And usually I go well about alternating all these activites all day long. But without a guitar around, it just doesn’t feel okay. Because it is all I can do and I’m not really passionate about these as I am with playing music. I love it but it’s like with a guitar-less room, my energy is almost non-existant. I’ve started many paintings and have been doodling a bit in my sketchbooks but I lack the “!!!”. Know what I mean?

Still pushing through though and doing as much as I can even if that means a few brush strokes per day; that’s okay. I might lack the energy and maybe a bit of will too on some days, but as long as I still try I think it’s okay. I know I should be doing more but I really just can’t do more. It’s really hard to explain but really, when Glitch left it left me with an acutal whole in my chest. I will survive but I’m not sure I’ll get my “!!!” back until I have another guitar by my side. So, until then I still do things even if my focus is down to -69% and my energy’s just a ghost I see on pictures and cry thinking about in my bed at night.

Just a little recap of what’s been done-ish:

*I’ve changed the theme of my website but still haven’t dealt with the shitty categories yet. Pretty sure I’ll change it again though. I just can’t seem to understand what it is that I want it to look like. Ugh!

*I’m working on a self-portrait + exploring with new art supplies I bought.

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A quote of my own character in my sketchbook; YES

*I’m not actively looking for a host family but I’ve created an account and I log on it everyday to check some families out.

*I’ve money saved for a new guitar which I’ll only afford next month.

*I’ve got a start for Uncage the Night‘s chapter VIII but it’s shit and took me FOREVER. I’m okay with that, I just really need a full first draft of the chapter to be able to write a nice one from!

*I’ve reached out to a lovely woman for singing classes. Nothing’s happened yet but it’s on its way. Safe way to make progress as I’ve barely been working on my singing ever since I moved in this lovely dorm room.

Ever since I got back, I got these uhm…. I guess that’s what you call breakthroughs or is it wake up calls?? I realized a lot of obvious things but you know, the kind that’s too obvious for your to see?

I remember I was sitting at my “desk” and it just hit me. And then I was so mad at myself. This is my third year of college. THIRD. And it’s all been mostly a waste of energy and time! I didn’t learn much if not through the bad things that’s happened on the sides. It’s made my mental health slightly worse than it used to be. I didn’t really make friends; only lost the few I had. I’ve been basically killing myself over something that has literally no value to my eyes. I was so mad at myself because I’m the only reason for that, I’m the mastermind behind all this nonsense. What kind of silly person puts herself through all of this without even once stopping and thinking, hey,maybe I should just stop doing what makes me unhappy and go with my damn GUTS AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING I LIKE AND DOESNT KILL ME INSIDE OR IF IT DOES AT LEAST IS WORTH THE BLOODSHED????

Anyways, my point is that all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere it HIT ME right in the fucking face. Now I’m full of that “done” feeling. Done with my own fucking bullshit but you wanna know the funny part? I’m kind of stuck in the mess I made. I can’t exactly leave right now for many reasons which I won’t waste time typing. So, I really do have to wait for August/September to leave. Fun, right? Where did that past year even go, I wonder…

So that’s just me these days. Done, done, DONE. With pretty much everything. I want out, NEED out. But I’m stuck here for a few more months… I know that I should make the best of the time I have left but I need a way to galvanize this dying body and mind if I want to get anything done. I can’t just lie around and wait, no fucking more. I’ve done that enough. I wanna do things so I will do things. And first I’ll find a way to get some energy back because waiting for my guitar to bring me back to life will drive me crazy.

So that’s it I guess. Now you know. Glitch is gone but I’m getting myself back and I’m taking my life back too. It’s about damn fucking time I realized that don’t you think? I felt so stupid and was so mad. I’m fine now. I’ve actually been doing fine. Really frustrated, but fine. I feel like, even though I didn’t get enough, I did stock up on fuel and candles at home and it’s helping me a lot right now even though Glitch stole a piece of my soul. TTwTT

Let’s hope that next post is either the damn chapter or a poem or a painting or a drawing and not just another that. x)

Until then, take care of yourselves and cherish your guitars ❤