Video

Three covers with Lady R.


Reunited at last. And as much as I don’t feel comfortable playing right-handed anymore, I can still enjoy some time with Revenge when I’m home. That’s a good feeling! ❀

So, enjoy three videos I made this afternoon with my little brother’s tablet and witness the confusion. I actually still suck pretty bad at playing & singing, but doing it as a right-handed with songs I barely just learnt is harder. Ha ha!

 

Until next post, keep working hard towards your goals and don’t let frustration or life or people discourage you from making whatever you wish into a reality. ❀

 

I know.


The lights come on; the darkness shines again.

The good feelings slide down her body and onto the floor like a dress made out of silk and the weight returns to her shoulders. And there she stands, naked and covered in darkness, under the bright lights that reveal the skeleton of the stage; the flesh and bones of the magical beings she was one with only seconds ago. It is a long and quiet walk back to the hotel room. There are so many feelings, so many reactions and too many thoughts racing through her right now. She smiles. Forever.

The light leaves her eyes and fills the room.

She lies on the bed all night long. Her body enjoys its comfort during these eternal seven hours during which she cannot fall asleep. Buzzing in her head, ringing in her ears, a smile glued to her tired yet blissful face and that feeling devouring her heart and soul. It eats her away, but not in the way that you’d think. It eats her away and makes her whole again. It fills these empty spaces, the dots on the map, the blank spaces in the story. And she’s being chewed on all night. And all morning. And all week. And it never ends.

The light leaves the lamp and fills her heart.

She recalls that night where darkness was home to light and she was all lit up. The stage had her. Her eyes, her ears, her heart and mind. Not a piece of her was kept to herself. She was wide open and her insides enjoyed the fresh air for once. She recalls home as she stands in the middle of her dark room. She looks outside and sees the lighters held up high in the sky. And as she eagerly presses the button on her phone, the first note hits her and takes her back to the stage. Now she’s standing on it, with her heroes besides her and she is the one she knows she is growing to be. She closes her eyes and lets the rain inside drown out the beat of her impatient heart.

The light leaves the moon and goes back to the sun. But the darkness inside is not gone nor is the revived flames and the eternal light, and they eat away at her. Forever. And she smiles.


This was my attempt at writing how attending the Avenged Sevenfold show made me feel. I wrote it in my phone while I was dizzy on my way back home the morning after with zero sleep and eventually forgot about the note. And as I was looking through my phone a few weeks ago I saw it again and I thought that it was really interesting. So I edited it and then eventually read it in a videoΒ on channel #2 BUT I somehow never found the time nor the will to really publish it on here! But, finally here it is! x)

Attending this show was like one of the best things that happened to me so far this year. It just gave some truths I already was familiar with a much louder voice and it was like a sweet sweet REMINDER.

Out there, in the dark, the noise, the crowd, the fire (thank you Disturbed for the pyrooooo!!), I found my place. At first, I wanted to title this text “Homesick from shows” because that’s how it felt like and still feels like. I was in a perfect place where I could breathe and feel my everything just smile at the universe and I had to walk away from it and into a dull room filled with bitterness and anxiety; that hollow polka dotted shell.

And for the following weeks, I wore the biggest smile and I was just filled with everything good, everything strong and I still had that feeling inside of me. It had become like a second skin but one that I wore under my flawed flesh bag, like warm tights under my worn out jeans in winter. And it kept me feeling strong for a long while. Then, yes, I had a bit of a good fall but it only showed me where I stood or at least, where I aimed to stand once I could cement my bones back together again.

When I read these few paragraphs again last week for my video, I just felt the fire burn inside of me. It was like the flames were reacting to my reading out loud those words, like my nephew reacting to my sister’s laughter or my dog to my calling his name. The flame inside was rejoicing as I was re-discovering its existence and giving it enough space to breathe anew.

I was assaulted by yet another wave of darkness, that hit me real hard. And it only added to the heavy cloud I carry around. Half of me might still be down or maybe less. But it doesn’t matter. The mayhem inside, the light from the show is here and the many flames that I am, alongside the rain that is also me; it’s all still here and it fuels me. Just like my fear. And just like my joy and the kind loving words of the souls that I encounter. I don’t live like I’m not alive anymore. I am stronger now and I can clearly see where I’m aiming, and I won’t stop shooting. I’m not allowing myself to stand in my way anymore!

I already knew. I always knew that this was what I wanted. But after that night, I knew.

This isn’t a dream anymore nor has it actually ever been. It isn’t just something to believe in and hope for it to happen, hope that I have what it takes to make it happen. No. After that night, it was crystal clear; it is truth, a fact, a reality that I only have to walk towards. It is happening. It will happen. There is no other way. Not because I hope it will; not because I have decided it will. Because there is no other way. This is the reality that I have been walking towards ever since I learnt how to and even when I wasn’t noticing, every step that I laid before me (and sometimes behind or above/underneath; fuck straight lines) were and still are leading there.

I don’t think the Universe is merciless, I think it is full of love and compassion and if you show it your heart, it’ll help. Maybe there is such a thing as fate, but maybe it isn’t such a sad thing as a steel path your ankles are chained to and you have to follow forever. Maybe it is that dull pre-written grey path that we all are set out to walk on as we come into this world… But maybe with our ability to love, hope, dream, and all of that magic of the soul, it slowly becomes filled with flowers and trees and sunshine, and whatnots as we walk through it, and through life as the universe reads each of our hearts’ sighs and sends us these ladders and fuel tanks when it deems are wishes honest enough. I don’t know about that, I can only make up these little stories like a kid and try to explain the unexplainable to my underused ape brain.

But what I’m sure that I know now is what I want. And from now on, I’ll be walking towards my reality while actually looking at it, and seeing its shiny top far away on the horizon and following that damn light. I’m not walking a confused walk anymore. I see it. I know it. And I’m happening.

I am the fire. And I know how I want to burn.

Everything you need is already inside of you, it’s just all up to you to decide what you use, how much, how long and what for. I know you probably hear that a lot around you and it sounds so clichΓ© and maybe you’re one of those that are like “seek of hearing this Hakuna Matata motto from people who won the lotto but [you’re] not that lucky” (direct quote from Set It Off’s Why Worry, awesome song, goΒ listen!!!). But lemme tell you, I’ve been in places, situations, states of mind and I’ve seen and heard stories, and I can assure you that YOU ARE THE KEY. And I know that it’s usually pretty hard to realize it, especially when you’re deep in the whole, been there, done that. But it is indeed true. And that’s why I will keep repeating it while I still can, while I still stand.

This is one of those things that you know deep inside of you. You have the power over your life, maybe not always completely with all the money bullshit and such, but always over how you experience things, how you react and how you let it all impact you. Sometimes you need a reminder. So I’ll keep repeating it, to remind myself, and remind you.

You are the fire. You are the fuel. You can get up. You can stand up again. And you can decide where to go, who to be. It’s all up to you. The key’s in your hands,down your throat, in your heart. Trust yourself and let your light shine.

Anyways. I hope I did spread some light or at least a few sparks. And hmm, well… Until next post, don’t forget. ❀

Image

Let the Mother’s voice heal you.


Spent a long hour outside this afternoon while on the phone with the mama(as today’s Mothers Day here; finally! I was so sure it was last week and that my mom wouldn’t receive my letter on time but then realized it was this week so I was relieved but she told me she still hasn’t got it so, bummer. WHICH IS VERY WEIRD; it’s taking way too long, wtf!).

I think I mentioned this in my previous post but a few days ago, I got to venture out of my comfort zone and discovered a little piece of heaven only a few minutes walk away from my place. And today, I went there again BUT also a little further! And only to realize that the lake which I pass by when I take the bus (which is what I intended to find in the first place) was only less than a minute away from it! I was blown away. They were just as close as I saw on the map, if only I had bothered looking to my freaking right that day! Ha ha

So, there were fewer ducks (just when I’m willing to take pictures, of course!), only ONE swan but plenty of weeping willows! If you see a tiny black dot on a picture it’s probably a duck and if it’s white, it’s gotta be the swan; use your IMAGINATION! πŸ˜› The pictures I took are, as usual, pretty sh*t (did I just fucking censor myself?) but I needed them, to remember and to show my mom and sis.

I will try to go there at least once a week for the rest of the time that I have to spend here because it’s such a beautiful place.

I feel really good when I walk near the water, hearing the birds sing and the ducks fight, and seeing people walking their dog and smiling. It’s such an amazing feeling. And I cross the path of really nice people there too! I mean, I don’t know if it’s the influence of the peaceful environment or if it’s just because it’s from a smaller side of the city. But they’re really nice and they even say hello to me! I’d be weirded out if someone would just “hello!” me as I walk in the city, but there, it simply makes sense. And it feels awesome. Reminds me of home, you know.

Also, I got to see one of the cats that I met there the other day and pet him again! He’s funny cos he like, won’t flinch or run away when I approach him, he’ll let me pet him and even meow at me, but then he just walks away in the middle of it. And when I start leaving he looks at me as if he was expecting me to keep on petting him. Like, make up your mind, cat!

Jokes aside though, I’m really thankful because I need cats in my life to keep my sanity here and they’re just a natural part of my life, ya know. I can’t conceive a life without a cat or a dog by my side, the same way I can’t conceive a life without music because it’s always been around, it just makes sense to have it and it’s vital. And yet, look at me, no guitar, no cat, no dog and I sometimes go days without singing. Like, make up your mind, human! πŸ˜›

Going there today reminded me just how powerful Mother Nature is and how she can heal. The birds and the wind were singing to me(well, to all, but let me focus on myself plz), the colors were speaking to me and the simple harmony of everything was comforting this weeping soul. Nature heals better than any pills or any human can; the Mother knows how and she does it right. She knows what to say, what to do to ease the mind of those who seek Her. And also, having my mom on the phone at the same time and hearing her voice too helped! I remembered how she, too, knows how to heal this heart of mine and how she does it without even realizing it. ❀

Anyways, this was supposed to be a shorter post but meh, you should know by now, I can’t do that! x) Here’s a lil’ slideshow for you to enjoy! πŸ˜‰

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Until next post, be kind to Mother Earth ❀

Video

A shitty cover of CTE’s Millennia


My little brother said it wasn’t perfect but it didn’t suck either and that it was okay so I could post it. So there it is. Full of mistakes, I know, and as always the video/audio quality is so shit it’s sad but I had fun and I kinda like it!

I love this song. I will do it more justice in another video another day. I can do better. And I will.

Until next post, don’t forget to warm up before doing anything at all not to hurt your precious little bodies! ❀

Two covers!


I haven’t be up to much these past few weeks. Been feeling pretty down. I still tried to push through but it was hard! Still, I managed to work a lot on the next chapter of Uncage the Night, and look, today I got to record two crappy half-assed shit-quality covers!! So I guess that’s something to be happy about! Just kidding! I am really happy about it. I’m happy that I got to sing again after such a long while of dark silence in this room! I still wasn’t free of the pressure of the neighbors and what if I’d bother them, but I still let go a tiny little bit. It felt really great and I hope that even if the quality is overall pretty poop, that you’ll enjoy it too! πŸ™‚

This is such a Β beautiful song. And it’s funny how, even though I’ve kept on listening to it as I grew up, I find myself needing it just as hard as I did a few years back when the storm got me real down. And so I’ve been listening to it a lot more these past few days and it feels really good. Soooo wish I could learn it on guitar… </3

And this one is one of my favorite LIGHTS song! I mean the whole album Siberia (the acoustic one) just captured my everything. She has an amazing voice and often in the electro-music that she writes, part of that magic dies BUT there’s also another force that emerges there and I’ve learnt to love both her acoustic and electric works. They all have that special thing and well, this is one of my favorite song from this album. The lyrics will explain…

Alright, short post. Not that there’s much more to add anyways. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything music-related on here and boy, does that show how well my life has been going! haha

It felt really great to la la la a bit even if I still had that mental-block that refrains me from giving too much into the music, afraid I’d bother one of my neighbors could really possibly be working any time of the day. And well, it’s always hear, the little mental wall. Sometimes I feel I’m free and I start going for them notes, opening that mouth and just… Swallowing it all back down as the wall punches my forehead. Anyways, it was fun and felt really great considering the week I had. I’m also very tired so I didn’t have as much fun as I could’ve had but hey.

Anyways. Short post. It’s 7AM, I’m gonna see if I can sleep a bit now. I’m a complete trainwreck. ❀

Color Me Undead: a poem and a drawing


COLOR ME UNDEAD

Sunshine is a false friend.

The weather never stays the same inside this hurricane:

Sky’s grey, then blue, then white;

There’s sun and then it rains.

I just never know when it’s safe to rest.

I gotta keep on the move

Always, even when I lose my groove.

Paint me, pain,

For I am a canvas

And I’ve been blank for too long now.

The ground isn’t very stable.

I keep falling in these muddy puddles.

They take away my colors; leave me numb.

Mean cycle; recycle…

Mom, rock me back to my cradle.

Sunshine is a false friend,

The storm it never ends!

Paint me, pain.

Paint me again,

Over and over again.

Give me a face.

Give me hard times.

And, please, leave a trace.

Weather forecast calls for the peeling of my soul.

Layer by layer I melt away

Under the merciless waves

Of this self-perpetuated hell.

Acid rains devour my core.

I barely bleed as I lose my skin.

Colorless; colorblind; who am I?

Paint me, pain.

Help me be again.

Show me I’m alive,

Not living in vain!

Show me who I am!

Show me that I can

Be more than a stain…

There’s still blood in these veins

And strength in these legs.

And next time,

When it rains,

Come back faster to me, friend,

And paint me sane & chained!

Color me undead;

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The drawing was fueled by Halfnoise’s EP The Velvet Face and Paramore’s latest song(which I’m so asdfghjkl about). So I was really feeling that colorful but mournful vibe. Which was already pretty strong with my post Pain is a color and I’m a rainbow.Β And the first draft of the poem was fueled by the drawing. And then the real thing was fueled by the storm and insomnia and also eating a green apple past midnight.

It’s 4AM, I’ll try to catch some Zs now. There’s so much I need to say; I’ll try to write a post and let it out, maybe this week, maybe later, I don’t even know anymore.

Until next post, don’t eat apples after midnight and get some sleep ❀

Quote

Words from me


I sometimes save some things I type or say during conversations in a notebook or on my phone, or just send them to myself. I often end up thinking that it’s a weird thing to do but then I realize that this is just me keeping my idea tank full. It’s no secret that I often dramatize pretty much anything that I talk about and sometimes I just read myself and I’m like, hey, that’s interesting, I’ll save it somewhere, it might come in handy later. Anyways, this blog needs a new post so here’s a quote from my past self, talking about Meteorites, the first love short story I wrote, that came out of nowhere:

It just sort of happened. You know, like a glass would slip through your fingers, fall to the floor and break. Except it was backwards. I accidentally had a broken glass fall in my hands and fix itself.
Don’t forget that I do like me some poetry, so it’s not like it was impossible. Sometimes it’s nice to have people’s guts stay inside them. πŸ˜‰
Alright, well, what a post! πŸ˜›
I’m currently working on chapter VIII of Uncage the Night (you can read the first chapterΒ here if you feel like it… It’s not so bad and I don’t know maybe you’ll enjoy it? And then maybe you’ll hate me when I’ll take another eight months for the next chapter Ha ha!) The first draft, shitty as usual, is coming out of me, finally. Slowly, but it is happening! I really just can’t wait to finish the story completely so that I can move on to writing something better and bigger!
I still haven’t sorted out the categories nor fully taken care of the looks of my blog, and I know it’s been ages since I was supposed to. I will really try to do it as soon as I can. Not that I’m busy at all lately, but Time and I just can’t get along and I’m always left behind. So, yeah, trying to keep up but not been very productive lately.
Also, final decision: I won’t be buying a guitar until I’m in Ireland. I’ve invested a lot of money in the voice lessons and will be having at least eight in the next three months I believe so that’ll make up for the lack of guitar. Then I’ll have to bust my ass off to get back the shitty lvl I had and progress faster than the wind on a six-string. I’m already feeling more confident about my voice and feeling progress! That teacher is awesome!
That’s all that’s news for now I think… I posted my latest drawing on my instagram and also a little clip of me singing, if you want to check them out!
So, until next post (which will hopefully be the next chapter of Uncage), stay strong and love yourselves! ❀