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Another cover (shitty, yes, don’t worry! ;) )


Literally losing my mind over here with no guitar and such a hard time dealing with my demons and my personal little hell. Did drew a bit today, and might even be able to finish a painting before next month!! And I thought, hey, let’s try to sing a bit. It doesn’t have to be perfect, at least I’m not letting my voice gather dust like I did for a few months after I moved in this silly place. I actually feel a little less pressure to sing so that’s cool, but it’s still there and I block if I try to go too loud or you know… Ugh. But yeah, keeping it alive!

Cheers! ❤

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I like raw


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I’m supposed to be working on several things to try and save what can still be saved of this semester, so it’s only natural that my keyboard and shirt are both covered in charcoal. 😛

I’ve been “at it” for three days now and I still haven’t actually started the damn essay. I also have to study for a whole bunch of tests but I’d like to pretend I don’t have to for now please  Really hard to focus, for a change, but the good thing is that I’m feeling better and I’ve managed to do something I like! Sure, it was mostly fueled by the frustration of having to do something I literally have zero interest in doing but that’s still something!

I love Winnie the Pooh. I always have and I ALWAYS WILL! Nothing can replace this bear and his friends in my heart. They can cheer me up like even my favorite bands and ice cream can’t! Right now, I have at least 10 things in my room that have Winnie or the full team on. And back home, in Reunion Island, my bedroom walls are probably still covered in Winnie the Pooh special birthday paper plates (fyi, I didn’t do that, my mom did but I love it :-p !). Anyways so, when I grabbed my sketchbook and charcoal sticks without thinking, the first thing I saw was Winnie having a picnic with Tigger and Piglet and so I drew.

I’m really happy with the result, really. It was a bit rushed and I was trying to remember what I had read a month ago about ways to use charcoal. I’m still very new to it but I think that’s really great. It doesn’t look like a finished product but I don’t mind it. I’m learning to let go, move on. I can be quite a perfectionnist sometimes (Oh, don’t you mean ALWAYS?!) and it’s not always necessary. Sometimes, it’s okay to just leave a first draft like that and move on to something else. I’m learning to be okay with not having to finish something for it to a finished product.

Meaning and beauty can still be found there. And sometimes actually, with being so desperate for a finished, smooth, complete “product”, you end up taking away these two crucial elements. How many times have I butchered what was a really interesting project because I kept feeling that need to smooth out the edges, work more on that color, add a little more details?! I sincerely can’t count them. I’m not saying that it always is bad to do that. What I’m saying is that I need to learn to know when to stop working on a piece and move to the next.

Art doesn’t have to be perfect. And neither do I.

I still have to write that damn essay though… :-/ Wish me luck!

And be brave out there, strive for that imperfect perfection. Keep it raw; embrace the flaws! ❤

P.S.: did I mention that I’m a bit sick? Makes it harder to wanna write that essay 😦 Here’s an awesome quote from an amazing artist to end this post on a brighter note:

Stay beautiful, keep it ugly.

-Gerard Way

My five-year-old brown notebook.


I sat down yesterday with the intention of writing a new song. I had found a nice chord progression a few nights ago and really needed to turn it into something more than just “Simplistic 11 PM thing I did”. So, as my head is quite empty lately in spite of the turmoil inside, I picked up my brown notebook.

I’ve wanted to throw it away many times mostly because I feel it holds me back in some ways by being a tie to the past or something. And again, I wanted to throw it away. Except this time, I really went for it. I opened it and turned the page quickly scanning for things that I could use in the future and ripping those pages to keep them(probably in another notebook who will eventually become another “brown notebook”, haha!). So, as I went through all the black ink for the nth time, saving things that were good enough to probably birth bigger ideas later on, I realized I shouldn’t.

This notebook has been with me ever since I started high school (almost five years ago… wow!). This basically means that it recorded a very awkward state of mind and maybe that’s why I sometimes want to throw it away. Ha ha! It’s mostly filled with my first year of high school’s “song lyrics” which are truly horrible and then a few things from when I started growing a bit up there. And then, there are a few loose sheets; things I wrote these last two years.

It’s really not something I would show to everyone as I’m mostly ashamed of the really shitty content but I need that. I had to start somewhere and this shows. At first it’s really all about a crush I had(super extremely cheesy it would make anyone lactose intolerant or something) and then, it got slightly better as I My Chemical Romance (please come back) opened my eyes and mine to see more than my little self. If you go through the pages the evolution is quite sudden but you’re happy when you reach that second part! I tried harder to write meaningful things, and well, it’s kinda cute in a way… 😉

As cheesy and disastrous as it can get, it’s a piece of gold for it is a testimony of my evolution, a reminder of where I started(rather low, if you ask me) and a proof that I can get better. It feels good sometimes to dive back into it and see how stupid I was so as to realize how much less stupid I am now. Also, I’m really afraid of throwing it away because, in all honesty, I’m still hoping that I’ll squeeze some brain juice out of it one day.

I’ve always had this tendency to keep things, preserving them for a near future where I’ll be a different, older me, and therefore able to see what I couldn’t see back then and make it into something worth the time. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking that way because it’s actually very true! I keep going back to this notebook and bringing to life some empty shells I wrote years ago, shoving some guts in it. And in that state of mind, I keep everything; literally. I can’t count how many scraps of paper I have with just one or two words written on(if I don’t remember what it means, I still don’t throw it away; my future self shall be clever enough to understand). I’ve been taught patience since a very young age, I guess it made me overly(?) hopeful.

This is the concept of maceration/marination, where you leave something to soak in time or some kind of juice until it reaches the point where it’s actually okay for it to be part of this world and serve a purpose. That’s exactly what it is! And that’s why I just can’t throw it away. Not until I’ve squeeze it to the last drop!

If I was a pirate, I would bury my treasure in a beautiful island. You’ll find it, be very excited and open the big chest. A bright light would blind you and with one hand protecting your eyes, the other diving inside, you’ll reach the bottom of it. There, all your fingers will be able to find will be a scrap of paper with a single word written on it: “paper”. You won’t understand and probably rip it apart from the frustration and confused anger(you know what I mean!) of maybe having been trolled. But what you don’t know is that I myself died not knowing what it meant as I had forgotten and kept hoping for my older self to understand. My most beautiful and powerful idea had to be kept away, preserved for a better skilled and wiser self to execute. But alas, that cleverer me never saw the light of the day.

Joke aside, this book really is a piece of gold. It holds memories and many potential songs/poems. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to throw it away, unless I decide so out of the blue and there’s no one to stop me. I want to be in my thirties and still have it and read it on a calm night in a random hotel and laugh my ass off and maybe still manage to find an idea for a new song in there.

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This notebook is really horrible but it’s who I used to be a long long looooong (ohmygodI’mgrowingoldhelpme) time ago and I mustn’t forget. And I believe that the naivety of this silly sixteen-year-old girl will help me remember how important this whole thing is to me in my dark days.

FUN FACT: Back then, I really thought I was something. And I had no need for a band. I wanted to be the one in the spotlight, the queen of the stage. And I truly thought that these “songs”(which I had no melody or anything for by the way!) were going to be my first album five years from then. It really was all about me at that time! Hopefully, MCR came around and showed me a better way of seeing the world and unlocked my empathy. They showed me things I’m really thankful for and helped me build a better mind and love even the darkness in everything/everyone. Three cheers to them! And thank you because if I was still her right now, I would have probably missed out on many things(like cutting my finger probably and being broke).

I’d love to give you a peak so you could laugh at younger me — because really, it’s funny! — but I’m not that brave yet; maybe when I’m older and wiser! 😉

(Can’t believe I just wrote more than 1100 words about this notebook! Ha ha! That’s how important it is! But it was probably a waste of time for you if you read all of this, sorry! 😛 )

Motivation in checkmarks


Alright, so as I’ve been letting myself slip back in procrastination underwear and a suit of laziness these last few days, I’ve started making daily to-do lists again. My self-discipline is playing hide and seek again and the only way to get it to get out of its hiding spot is to provoke it. So, here I go, making to-do lists and not allowing myself to go to bed until I’ve checked all the boxes. Somehow, having boxes to tick helps me do things sometimes. There is some kind of satisfaction to just ☑ , I find it quite funny actually and well, it’s a way to get work done.

So today, one of the things I wrote on my to-do list was to write a post on my blog and I didn’t specify what kind of post or imply it had to be an interesting one so this is basically what this is. This is so I can tick another box and sleep a little earlier tonight.

It’s already 11:34pm and I’ve done a lot of walking today so I need rest. But I won’t let myself just postpone things cos I’m tired; no. I must learn to make a better use of all the time I have in a day to get things done and work around my fleeting focus. And my poor time management cannot be used as an excuse to postpone everything. I believe it’s okay to run away but not from the hard-work and hardships that lead to making my dreams come true. I can run from everything else if I want to but not that.

Although I’ve almost ticked everything on the list, it feels I’ve not gotten a lot done today. But I did buy two amazing Minecraft related books for my little brother’s birthday, and that’s awesome, right? I’m sure he’s gonna love them! And well, I’ve been working on my presents for mom too but not enough. Also, I think I’ve decided what song I should cover(this weekend veryyy probably)next for my youtube channel. I realize that posting (somewhat good) content often keeps people coming, so I should work a little more seriously at this, I suppose.

Also I have two (not necessarily interesting) pending posts in my drafts that should become a thing in the next few days. I still have to write the French versions of the last two chapters of Uncage the Night before I work on chapter VIII. But I might have one or two original songs coming out some time in the near future.

So, that’s it. Off I go now ticking that box off my list and moving on to the next last two things left on it before I can shower and rest!

If you’re feeling like you just can’t get out the laziness bubble you’ve somehow gotten in lately(or maybe since the Beginning of (your) Time), maybe you should find little tricked treats to get yourself out of it, you know? If you’ve ever had to give pills to a cat/dog, you probably know what I’m talking about. A cat/dog obviously smells you’re giving it bullshit if you just hand it the pill like that and it doesn’t want it, so of course it will just turn around/run away. BUT, the key is to hide the pill in a little ball of meat so that it will gulp it down unknowingly. See where I’m going with this? Ticking boxes is a bit that for me sometimes. It’s easy to just go back to being lazy and get nothing done everyday(even though it upsets me because deep inside I know I should be doing the most I can each day I get to live), but those boxes to tick are like the meat balls. I will get work done not necessarily realizing I’m being productive just so I can tick the boxes and well, I’d have tricked myself into working with a simple little treat.

So, if you really want to pop that bubble and walk the same ground as productive/successful people, but you can’t seem to do it, find what tricked treat works for you. Maybe ticking boxes is the thing for you too! Or maybe you’re more into filling a jar with colored stuffs each time you get something done. Or maybe all you really need is a cookie each time you get a task done. Whatever it is, find it and drag yourself out of your laziness.

Life is short and you’ve got to live it. If you’ve got dreams, go out there and make them come true. Don’t just wait around because the world would never stop for you. You’ve got to make things happen if you want them to happen. You don’t have infinite time, you can’t wind back or start over, once you’ve reached the end of your line you can’t go back. Don’t waste your time cos you never know how long that line you’re walking on is. But what you can be sure of is that each step you make forward destroys the line facing your back, and it’s only on you go. No turning back, only moving forward. So make sure you use the most of your time the way you want it and that each minute you live is filled with at least 69% of pleasure.

This post is a mess and fits perfectly in the “rambleramble” category! Ha ha But yeah, basically, don’t take all your tomorrows for granted. Forget about tomorrows. Now is the time to do things. ‘Later’ doesn’t exist, ‘tomorrow’ doesn’t exist. It’s all about now. I should really stop typing now it’s 12:06am and I still have two things to do before I get to sleep, so I’ll just end this post with a quote from My Chemical Romance’s last album: Danger Days: The True Lives Of the Fabulous Killjoys:

The future is bulletproof
The aftermath is secondary
It’s time to do it now and do it loud
Killjoys, make some noise!

I just had to quote MCR, I couldn’t help it. Anyways, the point is, there’s no better time to live than now. There’s no better time and place to do things than now. So, whoever you are and whatever dreams you have, your fight starts now, so be fearless and wage that war against yourself, carve yourself into that someone you want to be and shine through the pain and sweat. Let your live be a long now and never a sea of maybe-tomorrow’s. Live out loud; live now.

Quote

Frank Iero, Art is the Weapon


We are a generation told not to try too hard. The world is going to crap so why break a sweat? We are reminded daily not to trust our gut or follow our hearts, your dreams are unattainable and unrealistic. Fear is the eternal enemy. If they can keep you scared, they can keep you controlled. We are here as a reminder that the world is not better off without you. These are dangerous days that we live in, and you, the artists are our best defense. Art is the weapon. Your imagination is the ammunition. Stay dirty and stay dangerous. Create and destroy as you see fit. Embrace your originality; the aftermath is secondary. You can and should do anything. Love what you do and who you truly are.

Frank Iero