I hurt myself playing a chicken game with the kids.

Standard

The kids have been off school since last Thursday and they’re going back tomorrow (phew!).

I knew it was going to be intense but my imagination had underestimated reality.

On Friday, we spent so many hours in the back garden playing soccer and other games that we were all exhausted by tea time. And I survived the long day, but not without a sore leg.

I just got a little too crazy about the games and well, apparently I’m not 7 anymore..

So, over the weekend it got enough time to heal. And you know what I did yesterday? I went too hard on the soccer and chicken game once again and the sore was back.

And then, today, as it felt better again, I played some more soccer with Adam. I was okay. Until tonight, after dinner, we played that chicken game that we made up and it got so intense… When I was going for my third egg, my leg started to hurt again.

Therefore, from now on, we’ve decided to call this game the No Chill Chicken game!

Anyways. I’m not sure why I’m sharing this, but glad I got it out!

So, I think I’m just gonna drop the work for tonight and simply go straight to bed.

I’m a little concerned for I have been doing that a little too much lately. I guess it’s cos I’m in holiday mode with the kids. We’ll see if it all goes back to normal tomorrow as they go back to school and I go back to my morning free time.

Which hopefully I won’t waste.

But, you know, as I sung it in In a /ticking/ Cage, “Will I ever learn? Well, no!”. I mean, I’ve literally been making the same mistakes over and over when it comes to my free time so…

I still have hope though!!

I only have nine days left before I fly back home. And that includes only six days where I can spend my mornings working on music. So I hope I make the most out of it. Although I intend to keep the vocal practice going when I’m at my mom’s!

Also, this weekend is my last with E. For now at least.. Aaaaaaaaah! We’re going to make the most out of it! I’ll probably tell you some of our adventures!

Anyways! Off I go!

Early bedtime for me today! 🙂

Advertisements

Things on the way!

Standard

I had a rather productive couple of days all locked up in my room! Ha ha Not saying I wasn’t distracted, because I was (I’ve gotten to the fourth season of a show I started watching last Friday, so… yeah) and I’m even more amazed I managed to get anything done at all! Ha ha

  • I’ve got five song drafts! Yes, five! Two from yesterday and three from today!
  • I’m done with the draft for Uncage IX and I will post it tomorrow!! (If you haven’t followed the story and want to check it out, here’s chapter I, but it’s really bad; and if you missed the last one, here’s chapter VIII)
  • I’m going on a trip to Kerry with my host family this week!

This whole month is happening!

New book to read, new days to seize, new chances, new opportunities. I’m very hopeful.

Last two months were challenging but they’re over now and I’m ready for this new one.

I will try not to let my emotions take over too hard and react better in the face of challenge. I will take better care of myself. I can’t sink again. This isn’t Lille anymore. I’m stronger now and I must behave as such. I know better than to punish my body for my mind and heart’s suffering and struggles. And I know better than to let pleasure and fun lead me astray me from hard work. I know balance. I know self-control. I know the importance of nothing and the fire in something. I just gotta shake myself up a little bit and get up straight this time!

I can’t let myself down. That’s not my job. I can find loads of people to do it for free, no sweat, no nothing. I’ve gotta have my own back. I’ve been letting go a little too much lately, crumbling under my own clouds. Not as bad as before, yeah, sure. But I’m not okay with it so we gotta bring some discipline back.

That being said, I’m really excited for what’s ahead. I’ve been dying to write new songs and it feels really good to have so many doors open at once! I don’t know if all the drafts will turn into something but they’ll get the creative juices running. I’ll get there!

I promise to myself, me and no one else, I am more than this. I am the fire!

That song!!! Halestorm rocks! \m/

Until next post, embrace the joy but keep your head in place ❤

IMG_20180401_225950.jpg

P.S.: I know this post is very … wibbly? I’m tired and tried to rush it to post before midnight, but look, it just turned 12:01 on the clock! Ha ha! I’m gonna finish my movie now before sleeping! I deserved that entertainment better finish it now before another day of things to do before the treats!

One month gone already!

Standard

21935493_1575833675817369_1905377119_n

Today, it’s officially been one month since I’ve joined my lovely host family and since I am literally living in Ireland. It went by soooooo fast! So, after this busy week and busy weekend that I’ve had, I’m taking some time to breathe and look back a little, acknowledge what happened and squeeze out some more good juice out of these past few weeks.

The first two weeks went by in the blink of an eye. The kids adopted me pretty much instantly, to my greatest surprise. And I felt comfortable from the get-go. I knew from the moment I skyped with them that they were gonna be amazing but when I met them IRL, and after having spent just a day with them, I realized they were much more awesome than I could have imagined. I know I like to exaggerate and this might seem like it, but really, it isn’t. They are good people, so nice to me, easy-going and I feel oh so good around them.

21935316_1575833655817371_597512378_n

The routine wasn’t so hard getting into. It’s pretty simple really and it’s just a matter of getting used to it. I am still not able to wake up at 6am in order to have breakfast before the kids and get on with my business before I wake them up, but I’ll get there eventually. Having not had an organized life for the past two years and especially these last six months where I would just sleep whenever and paint/sing all day and sometimes go out to get food; it’s understandable. I need time. But this is just a detail. Once you know it, you just do it and it slides like butter on bread(what).

So, those first two weeks, I spent just adjusting to the schedule and trying to learn how to fit my painting and music in my free time. I spent a lot of time in the house; scared to go outside. But eventually I got to meet some Spanish au pairs and we hung out in town together. And just last week I met some French ones. Knowing that there are a handful of people other than my host family that are aware of me, is reassuring and I have no doubt that I will be able to build strong bonds with a handful of people during this year. I had a lovely weekend with Marta, a French au pair who lives really close to me; I really like her. And, surely, I will meet more people with whom I “click” and can enjoy something bigger together than just hanging out(nothing wrong with that but I need to walk in deeper waters, ya know).

I haven’t had much adventure going on just yet. Nothing crazy to tell. No big stories really. It’s been a really chill month. I adjusted very quickly and so did everyone else. I feel like I belong and not like a weird parasite that’s just sucking the life out of them. I feel good. They truly are amazing. And, having heard some other stories from the au pairs that I’ve met, I can only emphasize how LUCKY I am. My family is just the best and I’m happy.

21979451_1575832779150792_1846366595_n

Blackrock Castle

I love feeling how we’re all just growing more and more comfortable with each other each day. Like I said, we were already pretty okay from the get-go. But we’re getting closer and it’s such a nice feeling to experience!

I love the talks I have with the parents in the mornings or evenings, when I’m having tea or when I get back home after a day on my own. And I love the different feelings I get from talking to the mom and from talking to the dad. The different topics and perspectives. They’re really cool people, sweet and chill; I love them. They care about me and it shows and I’ve grown so fond of them already. Like they’ve been gone all afternoon and evening to a wedding, and I swear I’m already missing them but I won’t admit. Ha ha!

I love the kids and how they try my patience sometimes and I just have to learn over and over. They help bring out the best of me. It’s not always easy, but they’re very sweet kids and they fill me with love. And my favorite thing right now is that, three days ago I taught them how to say “I love you mommy”(Je t’aime maman) in French and they just keep saying it to me. And it is so cute and, man. Pinch me, I’m dreaming! LIFE IS REAL

Simply put, I love everything about being an au pair, here and in this family. I know everything would’ve been and felt much different with some other people. But what I have right now is more than gold. I am so thankful!!! And I can’t wait for more days!

I will have more to say as the weeks and months go by. For now, this is all there is to be said. They rock, I love them, the city is beautiful, I’m happy and ready+fueled by their support to reach for the sky. This is more than I had dreamt of and man, is it beautiful to be where I’m at right now in my life.21935605_1575832765817460_1439178978_n

This week I’m starting my art class and I can’t wait to see what that’s going to be like and what it’s going to bring in to my life! I still have so much to see and so many people to meet. And I still have so much work, so much to build before I get those dreams of mine running. I’m excited and I’m on my way.

Up we go! 😉

It feels weird to be treated so well, to be in a non-toxic environment, to simply be a person among over people… I come from a polluted place; I stomped outta the door, my feet are clean now. I let go of those toxic relationships I clung onto for the last few years and I felt so lightweight… So lightweight that the winds of change flew me away to a land of greener grass. Honestly, not holding any grudges but fuck ’em. Thank you guys, but fuck you. I’m glad you’re out of my life, leaves more room for better friends; I’m glad you aren’t taking up all of my time/thoughts, leaves more room for love and light which I’ll now spread. I am very much alive. I am happy. And I’m only getting started.

Until next post, don’t stop believing. ❤

Words from me

Quote

I sometimes save some things I type or say during conversations in a notebook or on my phone, or just send them to myself. I often end up thinking that it’s a weird thing to do but then I realize that this is just me keeping my idea tank full. It’s no secret that I often dramatize pretty much anything that I talk about and sometimes I just read myself and I’m like, hey, that’s interesting, I’ll save it somewhere, it might come in handy later. Anyways, this blog needs a new post so here’s a quote from my past self, talking about Meteorites, the first love short story I wrote, that came out of nowhere:

It just sort of happened. You know, like a glass would slip through your fingers, fall to the floor and break. Except it was backwards. I accidentally had a broken glass fall in my hands and fix itself.
Don’t forget that I do like me some poetry, so it’s not like it was impossible. Sometimes it’s nice to have people’s guts stay inside them. 😉
Alright, well, what a post! 😛
I’m currently working on chapter VIII of Uncage the Night (you can read the first chapter here if you feel like it… It’s not so bad and I don’t know maybe you’ll enjoy it? And then maybe you’ll hate me when I’ll take another eight months for the next chapter Ha ha!) The first draft, shitty as usual, is coming out of me, finally. Slowly, but it is happening! I really just can’t wait to finish the story completely so that I can move on to writing something better and bigger!
I still haven’t sorted out the categories nor fully taken care of the looks of my blog, and I know it’s been ages since I was supposed to. I will really try to do it as soon as I can. Not that I’m busy at all lately, but Time and I just can’t get along and I’m always left behind. So, yeah, trying to keep up but not been very productive lately.
Also, final decision: I won’t be buying a guitar until I’m in Ireland. I’ve invested a lot of money in the voice lessons and will be having at least eight in the next three months I believe so that’ll make up for the lack of guitar. Then I’ll have to bust my ass off to get back the shitty lvl I had and progress faster than the wind on a six-string. I’m already feeling more confident about my voice and feeling progress! That teacher is awesome!
That’s all that’s news for now I think… I posted my latest drawing on my instagram and also a little clip of me singing, if you want to check them out!
So, until next post (which will hopefully be the next chapter of Uncage), stay strong and love yourselves! ❤

Getting a tank full of fuel.

Standard

(WARNING: There’s more than two pictures of my face in this post what)

You know how some things you just know to be true and don’t need no proof or anything? Well, that’s one of those things.

I’ve always known that music is what drives me and fuels me. I was making up my own (embarassing) songs as soon as I knew how to talk. Just ask my mom, she loves telling these stories. :-p It’s always been there. I’ve always known.

I’ve always known that music was what I intended to devote myself to but with school and fear and just, being young and not really knowing better, I denied it. I used to tell it only to my mom and sisters that I wanted to sing. But as I grew up, I gave up the idea. Not because I lost interest in music (how could that happen?) but because, even that young,

1917234_1120097817441_6192642_n

Here’s a young me… 8? 10? Idek

I realized that this wasn’t what people wanted to hear. And also, I truly feared the way others would look at me for choosing the crazy path and the questions they would ask. I didn’t want to be questionned, and judged, and mocked… I dreaded it, so I just gave in and shut up.

Instead, I decided that I would say that I want to be a teacher. I would lie so they would be happy but it wouldn’t change how I felt inside. And well, at some point, I actually had completely given up the idea; victim to my own game. I wanted to be a vet. I still sang everyday while doing my homework but that’s it. Then, obvisouly, it popped right back out like it should.

Still, when it came back to me I kept avoiding it. “Subtly” fleeing from what I can’t escape, my true nature. I made plans that on the surface, and the way I’d explain them, sounded kind of coherent, but really were just me hiding because I was terrified. And actually, those plans only sounded coherent to me because I wanted to believe they were. Because, honestly, if you go to someone that tells you “I love music and I want to be a singer. So, right now I’m studying drama and next year I’ll be going to college to study Hebrew (which I did not end up doing) and no, I’m not doing anything music-related on the side”, you don’t think that makes any kind of sense, do you?

I was just running because this is a scary thing to want and also a very big thing and I’m so tiny. I would just create these excuses of plans and say to myself that they would actually benefit me in some ways and even if not directly affect my musicianship, at least teach me about life. Well, I wasn’t so wrong about that; I’ve had my fair share of life lessons. But what I was stupid to do was put the one thing I actually want on the side, like a simple hobby, and put all these other things in the foreground. Not only was it stupid because, well, it’s my main goal but also because that actually forced me in places where I didn’t belong and brought me more misery than I already create on my own.

I forced myself into these spots and just drained the energy from me, struggling to survive in environments where I just couldn’t fully bloom. It also was really challenging my patience as I’d always end up counting the days before that segment of hell would end by the first to second week of it. I’d then just remain in the waiting room. Waiting for this stupid choice to be over so I can move on to something else. And then I’d make another stupid decision which eventually lead us to now.

16326522_1342646795802726_405015978_o

Love my blue lipstick btw

This past year, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with that “done” feeling. Done with waiting. Done with the hiding. I want it and I want it now. Except that I’m actually stuck here for three more months now as I just can’t get out of a stupid decision like this. So, what I’m filled with is more frustration as I now have this growing will and need to do all it takes to be better and become the me that I want but am stuck here.

I’m older now and I’ve finally completely given in to my own desires. I’ve always known but now I am ready to fight for it. Because I see that there is truly nothing else that I want this much. This is who I want to be and I can’t change it. No more hiding. I’ve been feeling a lot better and confident since I decided to put an end to that bullshit and it’s awesome. 😀

As much as everything seem to be crumbling around me lately, I know that things are just falling into place. Destroy to rebuild or something. It’s just making way for something better, something bigger. I’ve had people walk out of my life and tough times, and new decisions, and it’s all just making way for something better; my brighter dark. I’ve finally gotten myself to run in the right direction and that’s cool. Running is all I do, but now I can sleep soundly knowing that I’m actually aiming at what matters.

I’ve always known but I just needed to get slapped in the face. I needed a reminder, not a proof. I needed fuel for my fire that I so subtly murdered. And so far, this month has been full of it, and it’s just the start of it all…

The music still resonates in my soul.

17039242_1373504326050306_1399539937813296199_o

In the most comfy bed ever (in which I didn’t sleep)

I saw Avenged Sevenfold (+ Chevelle & Disturbed ❤ ) which you can read about here if you haven’t/want to. It exceeded all my expectations and surprised in more ways that I could have imagined. It awoke things in me and filled me up with some nice energy.

I felt a lot of things and understood a lot of things that night. I belonged there, in that crowd, in the dark, out there, where the music is. Seeing these dudes on stage and all these souls in the crowd, it was beyond magical and more than a wake up call, it was fuel and a proof.

Beyond the headache and the ringing in my ears that haunted me all day after it was over, it’s the feeling it left me with. Ever since I walked out of the venue, I’ve been feeling different. I saw my heroes IRL and one of them hugged me; guess it was the best slap in the face I ever got. Sure, that was amazing and I’ll never forget. But the real important thing that happened in me is that I deeply realized that I am right. This is who I want to be. This is where I want to be. It just washed away any doubt and any negative fear I had. All that’s left now is fuel.

Also, last Thursday I had my first voice lesson! I wasn’t anxious at all as I was still very high from the show and it went amazing. I mean, it was a first lesson so a lot of talking and just getting to know each other. When it came to the singing I tensed up a lot and wasn’t able to sing Ain’t It Fun so I ended up singing Girl Crush (Little Big Town, although I’ll admit that I prefer Halestorm’s version over the original :3 ) and it felt better. I was still tensing up but a little less as I didn’t have to go so high or anything and eventually relaxed a bit. But yeah, it was a first time so I didn’t exactly go all-in because I need a little time to be okay with a new person! 😛

17203633_1379733888760683_40924195_n

pre 1st-voice-lesson selfie

This lesson was true fuel too. The teacher is amazing. She’s really nice and gosh I loved it when she sang to me because she has such control and everything is there (like it should! x) ). Ha ha! And she told me something that boosted my confidence. Sure, there’s a lot of work to do here, especially when it comes to the tensing up and also the open-your-goddamn-mouth-Chloë part. But she said she saw real potential for power and that I had really nice voice, a nice tone. And, well, it felt really good. It’s not the first time that someone tells me this. I’ve been told before that I do sing well and so on, just never from an actual professional and with these specific words, you know? It meant a lot and I’m really excited for the next lesson, which will be on the 16th. This only “confirmed” my hope if I may say that I can be a better singer and only gave me more hope for my future!

I don’t know if I’m going to keep working on Girl Crush or if I’ll find another song. But what I know is that I really can’t wait to go back and explore and let go and just, climb that next step!

Also, I’ve been considering actually NOT buying a guitar… I know, it sounds crazy to me too… But I actually only have three months left here in Lille, then I’ll be back home in July and a bit of August where there will be a guitar (right-handed one, but it’ll do) and then when I’m back I’ll have to get ready to leave for Ireland. So I thought, I could just keep saving the money and buy it later, once I’m in Ireland maybe. That way, I can focus on the voice lessons and I will be travelling lighter. Not saying it’s set in stone yet, but I’ve been considering it; a lot.

So yeah. March has always been a pretty shitty month for me but this year, it’s the one that is bringing the wind of change. Tomorrow I will be meeting Kim in Paris and this is going to be awesome too! I’ll probably have a few pics to share on Insta or maybe even on here. 🙂

I’m really thankful for what is happening to me. The wake up calls, the pain, the tears, the people leaving, the BRIAN HUGGED ME, everything, really. It’s all just been so real. Not all 17156130_1379521202115285_2889068106658481903_nrainbows and butterflies but amazing nonetheless. These past four weeks have been more eventful than my three years of college put together. That show fueled me real good and just made all the pains and bullshit I’ve bathed in these last six years seem so little. I’ve been having real hard times too but really, I’m just not afraid anymore. Not afraid of hurting and not afraid of becoming who I want to. This is all been amazing and I really hope I will keep making the best out of this month! I’m making my own path cos my shoes were too big for the ones already paved. 😉

Here’s to all the joy that is to come, all the things that I’m alive to feel, more fuel to my fire. I’m just getting started. ❤

A7x,02.28.17 aka “Best. Night. Ever.”

Standard

Last Tuesday night, I saw one of my favorite bands live. It seems I had been waiting forever and then it all came so fast and also ended just as fast.

These past few days, I had been doubting my going (in spite of the 300€ that I had invested in the ticket and VIP upgrade + hotel room and the fact that it’s a-fucking-7x). After all, I was going on my own and that sure wasn’t guaranteeing an anxiety fit-free night. I was scared that I would have a panic attack or whatnot and be alone to face it or even worse, becoming a burden to those witnessing it. But I thought, to hell with these demons! They’re here to stay, I can’t drown them or anything, so they’re coming with me, but there ain’t no way I’m missing this. This was supposed to be the most important night of this month and so I went, determined to let all the importantness happen. Of course, thirty minutes before the time I should be there for the backstage tour, I started freaking out and I called my mom. Stayed with her on the phone until it was time and then I went.

Was lost at first but the lady inside was so nice to me that all the growing anxiety just vanished. And so I walked to a small (soon to be bigger than my brain could process) crowd of people without an ounce of anxiety in me. Got in the corner with the other VIP dudes, waiting outside in the wind, cold, for the bracelets — the French way. Then, I heard this voice in my head which I hadn’t heard in a while now. The one that said “Come on, say something. You can do this, just anything really!” instead of beating me up. Of course, I didn’t do anything. Well, I tried looking at the two girls closest to me and found a more receptive one on my left and so I tried to smile with my almost-numb face.

Thank God she spoke to me. And we kept on chatting a bit. And a few minutes later I had my arm wrapped around hers. And, oh my glob did I not understand what was happening to me. Have I been living in a cave too long now, that kindness felt so foreign? It has actually been a while since I met someone new to be frank, so I think I actually forgot how it worked. Also, all the gravel accumulated in my shoes these past few years had me forgot how smoothly things can go. That girl, everyone, w17101950_1374728239261248_1338123413_nas Gloria. She came all the way from Mexico to see Avenged for her birthday (which was the day before) and she was one of the most important person of that February 28th.

She was the light that I had forgotten to hope for and she found me! She made this whole experience more meaningful and more perfect than it would’ve been had I remained a dark lonely bubble hiding in the shadows. We talked so much and shared so much in such short time and just freely, you know. No pressure or anything like most of my relationships have felt lately. We were just two happy women existing together in a room full of different people and we were just being ourselves and not expecting anything. It was simple and refreshing! She was the loveliest and I guess that she was the cherry on top of that tasty metal cake. She even bought me a beer (which was really nice because I’m seriously running low on money after all of this) and took pictures for me (because I, the clever one, had come to the show with a 15% battery and was trying to save it… SPOILER: it died even if I kept my phone off the whole time u_u)!

That’s one of the feelings I was overwhelmed with during the whole show. We were so many people standing/sitting in that huge place, each and every one different although very likely in some ways. We all came for the same thing. And there I stood, amongst hundreds and hundreds of people that I didn’t know, and yet have I ever felt like I belonged this much in a place. It really hit me earlier on, during one of Chevelle’s songs. I just stopped for a moment and looked around and I smiled; and I never stopped smiling until I was in the subway the next morning. All these people… Who were they? Where did they come from? I didn’t know and it did not matter. I belonged in there. We all belonged there. From the girl with the green hair to the little boy with glasses. I just felt at home. I felt comfortable, understood, valued, beautiful, in the right place. I was in the right place. I didn’t feel like leaving, I didn’t feel like too much. I was an actual part of the puzzle and I also contributed to its beauty. This was a beautiful feeling. Belonging.

Now, I won’t be posting much pictures, although Gloria nicely gave me permission to, because I don’t really feel like it. There are plenty of pictures all over the internet and you can take a look at the local press weirdly written article about the show to see those HQ babies. I think I got those memories tattooed on my soul and no picture can top that. I mean, pictures are great and I love them, but this experience was just above pictures to me. I mean, meh… I don’t know what I mean. I’ll just tell you about the thing now.

So, the backstage tour was shorter than I had dreamt of BUT we got to hold Johnny’s bass 17078126_1374728235927915_1763602825_nand take pics with it, like the dorks that we are and so we did. I honestly couldn’t make a face, my hands were still cold and damn, Johnny’s bass. It looked really big and surreal and professional. I know that sounds stupid but I’m not above being stupid when it comes to holding the bass guitar of one of my heroes. A professional bass. I swear. So black, so… professional. 😛

Then we headed to the merch table and I of course felt like I couldn’t just not buy anything so I bought the cheapest I could afford and got me a badass keychainimg_20170302_233051.jpg that I SHALL PASS ONTO MY CHILDREN. And after that, we got to talk a bit with the security. And it was funny because Gloria and I went back and forth a couple times from one side of the stage to the other as we were confused so as to where we would be for the Avenged show. And well, that was funny. We talked a lot to the man that was in charge of our side (which was the right one, but they called it left one because WEIRD; so, Zacky’s side of the stage to be clear) and it felt amazing. Everyone was just so nice I was blown away almost. Like, is this a dream? Everyone was so cool. Wow! Oh, and, we also had another man from the crew come to us and give us one of Johnny’s picks so that’s cool also.

Then, the show finally started. They were a little late and it was almost agony but we were stoked when it started.

Chevelle were really great!

I felt bad though because there wasn’t a lot of people as most only wanted to see Avenged and Disturbed (or just Avenged in a lot of cases x) ). I mean, they worked really hard too and they were rocking that stage! And the crowd didn’t really give it back to them. It just made me sad; slightly. But I guess that’s just how it is when you’re not headlining. Also, I wondered if their sound was shittier on purpose…?

T17092221_1374728135927925_826986159_nhen, came Disturbed!!

Boy, was it weird to see them, flesh and bones walking on that stage, a few feet from me. They were FIRE. Literally. First time I ever saw actual pyrotechnics in action. There was real fire on stage and it was awesome! When they started using it we were back from a toilet break so we were further away from the stage, in the back really, but it still felt really hot each time the flames came on! And when they played Sound of Silence… I didn’t cry! 😛 But it was beautiful. And what I enjoyed the most was to see actual lighters held up in the air and not just ugly cellphones!

FUN FACT: as I was lying awake in my hotel room after the show, I had a mashup of Disturbed’s Down With the Sickness and Ashley Tisdale’s He Said She Said stuck in my head. I’ll let you imagine it… I think it greatly contributed to my sleepless night.

Finally, and not without having us wait forever more, on the stage came Avenged Sevenfold. I don’t think that I can describe what happened inside of me as I saw them come up on stage one by one.

Everything happened so fast then. We screamed, we sang at the top of our lungs, we threw ’em horns. I was so happy. I was smiling all the time that I wasn’t singing. I might have stared at Brooks a little too much but it just felt too weird to see the other guys for real so I often focused on the drums.

The sound wasn’t the best, the drums was obviously loudest as it was right in our noses, but really, I couldn’t have cared less. Often I wouldn’t recognize the song from the first note like usual but eventually I’d get it and sing along. Honestly, had there be no sound at all, it would have been just the same to me. I mean, sure I couldn’t hear the full power of Syn’s heavenly solos nor Matt’s beautiful voice, but just being there and seeing them and screaming/singing along with hundreds of people that was it. That’s what this night was all about. And seriously, you don’t walk into a concert venue expecting studio quality performances. They were amazing and I don’t have words!

Johnny always looked at us when he’d come back to his side of the stage, mouthing the lyrics and just being awesome. He came and sat near us at one point16938736_10155163892020962_2632098556961447390_n-1. Zack16938772_10155163886765962_1198643181332514627_n also did and I stopped functionning. He was just sitting there and man, what’s a girl to do?  I just smiled and enjoyed the show, that’s what I did, making sure I wasn’t staring at him cos that would’ve felt really weird. And they both touched my hand. Yes, for real!

I loved seeing Matt’s smile as he ran around the stage. He was always mostly closer to the audience, as he should, but he’d come near us sometimes and I think I know what happiness is now. And seeing all of them interacting with Brooks now and then was the sweetest thing. It was beautiful. My heart stopped everytime Syn walked near us or looked into our direction. It was all surreal.

When the last song came on, I knew it was the last one because it’s been like that for a while now, I died a little inside. That riff and the energy, and the way Syn just held his guitar during *that* part… A beautiful thing to have your heart broken and put together at the same time. A show coming to an end is the happiest saddest thing I’ve ever experienced. I still put all my energy into it and it was fucking awesome!

Then, the lights were back on and the guys were running around throwing picks and setlists into the crowd while we waited in our little VIP areas to get to see them, maybe, possibly. And of course, they came.

By the time they did, though, I was starting to fade in the background as the lights were back on, so bright and draining the magic, leaving me feeling so small. Everyone was all excited and getting their phones ready for pictures but my demons saw an opportunity and manage to throw small rocks at me. I just wanted to leave now. But I stayed, in a corner. Which was really weird but I just had lost all my social strength I couldn’t do anything anymore.

Then, I saw Brian right there just so close to me, hugging people, saying he didn’t really have much time. And my head was telling me “He’s not gonna come to you, forget it” but he looked at me, and walked through people to come and hug me. I did not understand what happened at all. It went SO FAST. I looked up saw him, he was there, I was in his arms and then he was gone. But you know what? It turns out that a split-second hug from one your heroes does out-weight pretty much everything else. And actually, it was the best hug ever. Like, these arms – what? I just can’t describe it. Some things you just can’t understand until you’ve lived them.

Then, I was lost. Brooks and Matt were here and even Johnny but I remained in the corner. That was just too much reality for me to take in at once. And then that was it.

Despite that weird ending, I regret nothing. I didn’t need pictures with them. I saw them with my wide eyes. They were alive, we were breathing to the same rhythm, they were here for real, with me, so close and that’s it. I didn’t need more. And no, I’m not just saying this to cover up for my demons’ intrusion and that small pinch in the back of my heart. I just really didn’t feel like a pic. And that hug that came out of nowhere really just made me complete and happier!

This was the best night ever for me. And surely one of the most important too. I saw those heroes that have been keeping me together unknowingly for ages. I saw these humans that have been my best friends for years, through the good and the bad; they are real. I met a lovely person that I can only hope to see again. I smiled more than I cried in the past three years. I had a good time, felt alive and understood a few things too.

This night was fuel and one I’ll hold dearly in my heart forever. ❤

Slow, slow, sloooow days (without Glitch)

Standard

It’s been really hard ever since I got back for me to get anything done. Time stands still or runs like a thief, either way I’m left starving on the floor. As much as this is frustrating and irritating because, now more than ever, I really feel the importance of working hard and harder at what matters to me, I’ve gotta go with the flow. I might not be working as hard as I should and being productive enough to spit on past-me’s lazy face, but I’m building the bigger steps for my future. Then I’ll have to do all the running.

Last week I sold my guitar.

You WHAT?

I sold Glitch; last week…

Why?

To have money. Although I sold it for a ridiculously low price cos I was in a hurry.

WHY?

I know it sounds crazy but hear me out, it was to buy a flight ticket back home for July/August…

Oh… So you’re just letting go of your foolish dreams?

Heck no! I’ll be leaving for Ireland in August/September, one way (as an au pair) or another (God help me). So I need to see my family and home before the big jump because I don’t know when I’ll afford to be back there again.

So now I feel really alone. x) I mean, no guitar?! How is one supposed to survive that? I can’t even sing freely confined in this room. My fingers are crying because they are not hurting anymore. And my days just feel so empty! I love drawing, painting and writing stories. And usually I go well about alternating all these activites all day long. But without a guitar around, it just doesn’t feel okay. Because it is all I can do and I’m not really passionate about these as I am with playing music. I love it but it’s like with a guitar-less room, my energy is almost non-existant. I’ve started many paintings and have been doodling a bit in my sketchbooks but I lack the “!!!”. Know what I mean?

Still pushing through though and doing as much as I can even if that means a few brush strokes per day; that’s okay. I might lack the energy and maybe a bit of will too on some days, but as long as I still try I think it’s okay. I know I should be doing more but I really just can’t do more. It’s really hard to explain but really, when Glitch left it left me with an acutal whole in my chest. I will survive but I’m not sure I’ll get my “!!!” back until I have another guitar by my side. So, until then I still do things even if my focus is down to -69% and my energy’s just a ghost I see on pictures and cry thinking about in my bed at night.

Just a little recap of what’s been done-ish:

*I’ve changed the theme of my website but still haven’t dealt with the shitty categories yet. Pretty sure I’ll change it again though. I just can’t seem to understand what it is that I want it to look like. Ugh!

*I’m working on a self-portrait + exploring with new art supplies I bought.

16507413_1349867358414003_332643451_n-2

A quote of my own character in my sketchbook; YES

*I’m not actively looking for a host family but I’ve created an account and I log on it everyday to check some families out.

*I’ve money saved for a new guitar which I’ll only afford next month.

*I’ve got a start for Uncage the Night‘s chapter VIII but it’s shit and took me FOREVER. I’m okay with that, I just really need a full first draft of the chapter to be able to write a nice one from!

*I’ve reached out to a lovely woman for singing classes. Nothing’s happened yet but it’s on its way. Safe way to make progress as I’ve barely been working on my singing ever since I moved in this lovely dorm room.

Ever since I got back, I got these uhm…. I guess that’s what you call breakthroughs or is it wake up calls?? I realized a lot of obvious things but you know, the kind that’s too obvious for your to see?

I remember I was sitting at my “desk” and it just hit me. And then I was so mad at myself. This is my third year of college. THIRD. And it’s all been mostly a waste of energy and time! I didn’t learn much if not through the bad things that’s happened on the sides. It’s made my mental health slightly worse than it used to be. I didn’t really make friends; only lost the few I had. I’ve been basically killing myself over something that has literally no value to my eyes. I was so mad at myself because I’m the only reason for that, I’m the mastermind behind all this nonsense. What kind of silly person puts herself through all of this without even once stopping and thinking, hey,maybe I should just stop doing what makes me unhappy and go with my damn GUTS AND FUCKING DO SOMETHING I LIKE AND DOESNT KILL ME INSIDE OR IF IT DOES AT LEAST IS WORTH THE BLOODSHED????

Anyways, my point is that all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere it HIT ME right in the fucking face. Now I’m full of that “done” feeling. Done with my own fucking bullshit but you wanna know the funny part? I’m kind of stuck in the mess I made. I can’t exactly leave right now for many reasons which I won’t waste time typing. So, I really do have to wait for August/September to leave. Fun, right? Where did that past year even go, I wonder…

So that’s just me these days. Done, done, DONE. With pretty much everything. I want out, NEED out. But I’m stuck here for a few more months… I know that I should make the best of the time I have left but I need a way to galvanize this dying body and mind if I want to get anything done. I can’t just lie around and wait, no fucking more. I’ve done that enough. I wanna do things so I will do things. And first I’ll find a way to get some energy back because waiting for my guitar to bring me back to life will drive me crazy.

So that’s it I guess. Now you know. Glitch is gone but I’m getting myself back and I’m taking my life back too. It’s about damn fucking time I realized that don’t you think? I felt so stupid and was so mad. I’m fine now. I’ve actually been doing fine. Really frustrated, but fine. I feel like, even though I didn’t get enough, I did stock up on fuel and candles at home and it’s helping me a lot right now even though Glitch stole a piece of my soul. TTwTT

Let’s hope that next post is either the damn chapter or a poem or a painting or a drawing and not just another that. x)

Until then, take care of yourselves and cherish your guitars ❤