Oh Deer, let Light and Darkness kiss again!

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 Last week, I unexpectedly joined my family for a picnic in the woods. And, little did I know that it would not only, bring me back on my feet (I had a miserable weekend) but also surprise me in the loveliest possible way: I saw a live deer.23336382_1615479725186097_207816256_o

Growing up on my island, I spent loads of time with my nose stuck in books (mostly about animals or Egypt but honestly, just reading anything I could find lying around the house too haha) and I had never seen many animals which are pretty common in mainland France up until I went to Lille two years ago. Swans, magpies, and even ducks(I only saw a few when I was tiny but man, a long time ago..)!

I only finally saw them for real two years ago. Up until that point, it was all just book pictures in my head. Things I knew of, things I knew to be real but never actually saw with my own two eyes and so I did not have that feeling/relationship(?) with it. They had that mystery to them, some kind of magic that comes from only knowing something the way your imagination can conceive it.

And the first time I saw them, I was struck with awe. It’s almost like seeing my childhood heroes. I remember those long hours spend lying on the floor or on a couch just staring at these glossy pages in the books, examining every inch of each picture just to get a somewhat clear memory of it engraved in my mind.

I am really happy, though, to be able to say that seeing them IRL does not take away the magic but only adds on, and also more frills. Nature is scary beautiful in that fragile-though-almighty way.

When I saw the deer, my brain just went *blop* *happy* and also, many (MANY) flashbacks to the Hannibal tv series… Ha ha! I had a small though intense phase last year where I got a tad bit obsessed with deer and drew loads of them. It was at the time I had started watching Hannibal and was shamelessly embracing my love for horror and disgusting stuff. In midst all the blood and chaos, those deer that I drew brought in some light in my dark room and mind.

I got pictures of all the deer drawings that I did in that short period to display them right here, in this post, and look back with a bittersweet smile on my face.

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I honestly loved the Hannibal show. And I’d have so much to say about it, but I’d rather not enlarge on the matter. What I’m going to say though is that it brought a lot of good out me, a lot of inspiration and reflections on life, and art… And deer!! At that time, I was going through a rough patch and things weren’t really good at all; I was at war with myself and also being sat on fire by other beings whom I thought were worth all the burns (spoiler alert: they weren’t). It was a dark time but weirdly enough(or not at all), I found comfort in this show and it brought loads of good things into my mind.

And as I type this, I’m reminded that my Thomas Harris books stayed at my mom’s house, several thousand kilometers away from me and I’d love to dive back in Red Dragon now. Heartbreaking thought, I must confess. That book was so good! And what a shame I didn’t even have time to read the other two before I had to abandon them in my nest in order to take my leap and fly so far away from it. I’ll probably get mom to send them back to me or something at some point anyway, I just know it.

That deer was beautiful. I’m not going to lie, there was a drop of disappointment as my eyes found their way to the live body of what used to fuel my pencil on my sketchbook months ago. I was delighted to see a deer and really happy. And there was magic. But, the truth is that there is always that drop of disappointment.

Whenever you finally come to face with something you’ve only been dreaming about, reading about, looking at pictures of, it is here, in the back of your mouth or tickling the inside of your eyelids. That tiny drop of disappointment, tightly seated next to the tears of joy and surprise, keeping the back of your throat moist as you scream “Oh God, I’m alive!”. I think it is nearly impossible not to have expectations, as humans, as creatures that dream and hope. And, the longer the road you have to walk between the moment it first captures your attention and monopolizes parts of your mind and heart, the bigger the expectations (no matter how small), and the bitter the drop of disappointment.23269934_1615479551852781_2080742452_o

You will be excited, you will be delighted; happiness, tears, smiles and fire inside. But it’ll be here, whether you feel it or not. Sometimes, even through the happy storm, there will be more than one drop. You might not be able to feel it, but it’ll be here. It might not ruin your happy time, but it’ll be here. And I think it’s important to acknowledge that.

It’s a reminder in a way, isn’t it? That there is never just one emotion, one feeling, one sensation; never just one thing happening at once. Life is plural. There’s always lots happening at once. We’re always feeling so much at once. Different intensities, different temperatures, different shapes, different causes and different spots hit. But at once. And you get to decide where the focus is.

You can focus on the pebble in your shoe. And then, you can shift the focus and go on think about that headache you have now. And you can move that focus as much as you want, as much as your mind is able to before it runs out of energy. Or you can keep the focus on one point tiny as it may be and make it seem bigger than that big bright sun shining out your window. You get to choose. Or, at least you have the possibility to do so. The power is in your hands but I guess the battery can’t always be full enough to enjoy its wide range of possibilities.

I saw that deer and the second I did, as I had a miserable weekend and I still had my negative glasses on, I felt the drop of disappointment. And I swallowed it, and the taste lingered on but I didn’t mind it; I enjoyed it. I let it do its job and I minded my own business, took pictures of the deer and tried to get over the fact that “Wow, there is a real deer in front of me!”.

Trying hard not to make this a generalization but I’ve met quite a few people with a positive outtake on life, those striving for a happy existence, and I always feel like they are missing out on something. I’m not a pessimistic. I’m not an optimistic either. I might actually strongly be both and usually all at the same time because I’m a walking disaster. But I just don’t think that being positive and happy is about rejecting nor ignoring the dark bits, the negative points, the heavy stuff. I think it’s all about accepting light and darkness no matter the amount or diversity of what’s within you. It’s about accepting them as a part of life, as a part of you and dealing with them, and maybe just learning to co-exist again.

19250288_1615479531852783_348158042_oIn my opinion, those people that I’ve met wrongly believe that negative = bad. Sure, negative vibes are definitely bad news and can dismantle the strongest of ships and you don’t want them around. But, think about balance, think about Nature and how everything serves a purpose. Blocking out all sadness, negative thoughts, anything that’s not rainbows and butterflies is going to ruin you on the long run. These things are part of being a human and you can’t just wipe them out of the board because you want things to look neat.

Life is not neat. Humans are not tidy inside. And you have to let it in, let it happen, let it out, let it roll over you…

Some things you have to face and break, some things you just have to throw straightaway and others you just have to sit down and swallow and maybe get some ice cream to let it make its way down your throat. And it’s something you learn to do, like recycling!

You learn where to put the tin cans and the glass bottles and the papers; you learn what can be reused, what just goes to waste and what things don’t go together even though they will serve a similar purpose. And sometimes you don’t want to throw something away although it belongs in the bin but you figure out some clever way to turn it into something useful, something you can still keep in your home and you transform it with your own two hands.

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learning on and on

There’s a required balance in all of that rickety machinery inside. And it doesn’t always make sense. It’s not a simple list of do’s and don’t’s. It’s complex but at the same time, so easy. The darkness is part of life, part of light. There are dark spots in light, and light spots in darkness. And you can’t just try to wipe one side out cos that’ll mess you up. Gotta find the right middle. Equilibrium.

I’ve learned and am still learning that it’s okay not to be okay. And it’s okay to feel down, to feel sad, to feel horrible, even when you’re in a happy place, with happy people and you are happy. Because life is not a monochrome painting. It’s as complex and simple and intense as a five-year-old’s painting. And it’s beautiful.

My darkness keeps getting brighter and my fire finally feels like it’s actually burning. I love sharing and I hope that through my words, music and art(and rare smiles?) I reach some hearts, minds or just the eyes, really and shed some darkness; the good kind. No matter how very few that might be, I hope that some people read me and that it makes them questions things, think, feel or just smile cos I’m so dramatic about everything it’s funny. I hope that whenever my darkness shines and people get a peek inside, I hope that it makes a difference to them, even the tiniest and that somewhere along the way, some way, somehow, it helps them.

Until next post, let yourself learn, and let your darkness shine. ❀

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Blue & green||| You & me

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Growing up on such a blessed land was paradise.

Even though I spent most of my youth longing for the day I’d leave this place, I’ve always loved everything about it (although the sun isn’t exactly my best friend). Now that I’ve finally gotten out and seen a bit more of the world, I truly see how beautiful my home is and precious. And it makes me happy beyond words Exif_JPEG_420to be able to come back once more and get to enjoy those familiar places.

I’ve always been amazed by Nature and its stubbornness and strength and oh so breathtaking beauty. And since I live in a small town, in the south of the island, I’ve always been able to enjoy both the sea and the forests a lot.

They’ve always been my familiar faces in the world, if that makes any sense.

I open the window in my room and I can see the mountains, then I go in the kitchen and from there I can see the sea. The sounds of the ocean have always carried me to sleep. Nature is not a stranger to me and seeing even the tiniest tree somewhere is enough to make me feel more or less connected to the place I’m in. I’ve always felt that connection to it and it’s always felt like that reassuring force I could always turn to, I guess that’s why we call it “Mother Nature”.

img_20161227_150826When I got in highschool, and the storm inside started blooming, five years ago(??), I developed a stronger need for the sea. And I used to walk there as often as I could after school with mom and my dog and my little brother. It calmed me down to see the waves from up close and smell the fresh air.img_20161220_185500

But it did, and still does, that strange thing to me which I have yet found the right words to explain. I could sit there for hours and just stare. It feels like I’m hypnotized sometimes. And I think it’s just like this bigger Love also. It feels really good and it eases the storm in me.

This is only the second time I’m coming back home since I left two years ago, but the first thing I always do before I go out of town to meet people or do anything is take a walk to the sea. And then, we go there almost every single day. It heals everyone and helps with all the useless tension; it fills me with love and happiness, and the sweetest drops of sadness.20170716_175244

Today I was soooooo lucky that my family and I got to go the forest (I found a nice little panorama online for you, just click right here! πŸ˜‰ ) AND then to the sea once more!! I was so happy!

We went in my brother’s dad’s pickup truck. My sister and her son were sitting inside while mom, Gaby and I were sitting in the back with his dog and got to enjoy the sight as we drove up the gravel roads. It’s just the best feeling to be sitting in the open like that! And the lil’ doggy was just so happy to stand and watch the trees go by with us.

It was sooo sooooooo pretty and then the sea was just ——- I made a little video montage from a few clips I filmed over these past few days because I can’t get them uploaded on Instagram for some reason and it’s just so pretty I need to SHARE

(Forgive the music that might actually be too loud; there were just people talking on most of the videos and nobody wants to hear that… )

A wonderful sight that always leaves me in awe.

There’s this connection and it’s just beautiful. Sadly, I’m all out of time for that post so I’m gonna have to cut the thinking and typing here.

Until next post, don’t forget to look around and let love in, no matter how bad a mood you’re suffocating with. ❀

 

 

Just a little bonus of my brother being a cutie in the woods:

 

Let the Mother’s voice heal you.

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Spent a long hour outside this afternoon while on the phone with the mama(as today’s Mothers Day here; finally! I was so sure it was last week and that my mom wouldn’t receive my letter on time but then realized it was this week so I was relieved but she told me she still hasn’t got it so, bummer. WHICH IS VERY WEIRD; it’s taking way too long, wtf!).

I think I mentioned this in my previous post but a few days ago, I got to venture out of my comfort zone and discovered a little piece of heaven only a few minutes walk away from my place. And today, I went there again BUT also a little further! And only to realize that the lake which I pass by when I take the bus (which is what I intended to find in the first place) was only less than a minute away from it! I was blown away. They were just as close as I saw on the map, if only I had bothered looking to my freaking right that day! Ha ha

So, there were fewer ducks (just when I’m willing to take pictures, of course!), only ONE swan but plenty of weeping willows! If you see a tiny black dot on a picture it’s probably a duck and if it’s white, it’s gotta be the swan; use your IMAGINATION! πŸ˜› The pictures I took are, as usual, pretty sh*t (did I just fucking censor myself?) but I needed them, to remember and to show my mom and sis.

I will try to go there at least once a week for the rest of the time that I have to spend here because it’s such a beautiful place.

I feel really good when I walk near the water, hearing the birds sing and the ducks fight, and seeing people walking their dog and smiling. It’s such an amazing feeling. And I cross the path of really nice people there too! I mean, I don’t know if it’s the influence of the peaceful environment or if it’s just because it’s from a smaller side of the city. But they’re really nice and they even say hello to me! I’d be weirded out if someone would just “hello!” me as I walk in the city, but there, it simply makes sense. And it feels awesome. Reminds me of home, you know.

Also, I got to see one of the cats that I met there the other day and pet him again! He’s funny cos he like, won’t flinch or run away when I approach him, he’ll let me pet him and even meow at me, but then he just walks away in the middle of it. And when I start leaving he looks at me as if he was expecting me to keep on petting him. Like, make up your mind, cat!

Jokes aside though, I’m really thankful because I need cats in my life to keep my sanity here and they’re just a natural part of my life, ya know. I can’t conceive a life without a cat or a dog by my side, the same way I can’t conceive a life without music because it’s always been around, it just makes sense to have it and it’s vital. And yet, look at me, no guitar, no cat, no dog and I sometimes go days without singing. Like, make up your mind, human! πŸ˜›

Going there today reminded me just how powerful Mother Nature is and how she can heal. The birds and the wind were singing to me(well, to all, but let me focus on myself plz), the colors were speaking to me and the simple harmony of everything was comforting this weeping soul. Nature heals better than any pills or any human can; the Mother knows how and she does it right. She knows what to say, what to do to ease the mind of those who seek Her. And also, having my mom on the phone at the same time and hearing her voice too helped! I remembered how she, too, knows how to heal this heart of mine and how she does it without even realizing it. ❀

Anyways, this was supposed to be a shorter post but meh, you should know by now, I can’t do that! x) Here’s a lil’ slideshow for you to enjoy! πŸ˜‰

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Until next post, be kind to Mother Earth ❀

Latest drawings

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I’ve been posting them mostly on instagram lately mostly, so here are the three last drawings I did this month. The pics’ quality is as usual pretty lame but you can still get a good idea of the thing on the paper! πŸ˜‰

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The last one I finished just now. There’s this quote from my post “Pain is a color and I’m a rainbow. Darkness isn’t necessarily black.” which popped in my mind as soon as I picked up my crayons and inspired me to draw this self-portrait.

I still haven’t managed to finish my first draft of Chapter VII of Uncage and man, I’m so tired! I really want it to be over and done. I need to finish that story! It’s just so hard to squeeze it out. I need to try a little harder!

Anyways. That’s it for today. I’m not feeling so good, pretty tired. Tomorrow I gotta be somewhere and it’s making me anxious. I’ll surely write about it when I get back. If I survive, I mean! πŸ˜›

Until then, just keep those vitamins coming and drink lots of water! ❀

Roots!

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Lilly and I got to see Line again today, after many years! Mom and Gaby tagged along as she drove us to the Cap MΓ©chant. In all our happiness, we forgot to take a picture with her! But, I can assure you that she is still as pretty and awesome as she’s always been.

She’s such a lovely human and we were really happy to see her again. We went to school with her when we were twelve and she was also in high school with me. It had been two years since I last saw her!! It felt amazing to see her. She’s still the same but in the loveliest way. We had a nice time talking about plans and you know, life. Mom talked a lot! Ha ha

I don’t really have much to say and I’m really tired too, so I’m not gonna spend too much time typing. I’m just going to share some pictures! I forgot my phone somehow so I had to use mom’s to take pics and it seems they’re all so tiny Idek why! x)Β It’s a little sad that we forgot to take a pick with Line but at least I got some with Lilly now!

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I love her so much! We’ve been friends for over ten years now and you know, she’s that one friend that’ll always be around. She’ll be at some of my shows, at my weddings, she’ll play with my babies; she’ll always be there some way somehow! We’ve had ups and downs but never strayed. And I’m so glad we have each other because I’m not sure if I’ll ever find another someone that knows me like that and gets me like that!

Alright, I see you coming, of course I took pictures of the sea! πŸ˜› But let me just warn you, if you ever come to Reunion Island, down the south to either the Puit Arabe, Puit des Anglais or Puit des FranΓ§ais, there might come around an annoying old lady. She’s been there for as long as I can remember but thank God, she’s cooled down a bit over the years. She will come to you and she will preach to you and talk really fast about whatnots and whatevers and you’ll hear the Devil’s name more than often in her endless speech. I wouldn’t advise you talk to her because there really isn’t much use. She followed us around today and then we saw her do the same thing with a family of German tourists who never knew what hit them. She used to be violent now and then but lately she only talks so it’s okay I guess. x) It’s not scary just rather annoying. Other than that, these are really nice places to be at! πŸ˜‰ Ha ha Just, no eye contact with the old lady.

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There you go! It was soooooo pretty! ❀ Sorry the pictures are so tiny, that’s just what mom’s phone does! x)

Cheers! Don’t forget to look around and cherish Mother Nature’s gifts from the smallest pebble to those huge floating pieces of rock or whatever it is! πŸ˜€

Today was hot!

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Today was hot.

I’ve seen hotter days but it was a tough one. When the weather’s hot like that, I’m just like mom and can’t eat much and, tbh, can’t do much either. So, after a tiny lunch we went for a ride together with my brother and his father, heading to a place with water or trees or both, to breathe!! Obviously the nice spots were already taken, it being a Sunday afternoon! Usually families go “secure spots” early in the morning and settle there for the whole day; clever people!! We still found a nice spot though. Not near the sea but rather closer to the mountains.

With only a few percents of battery left (cos I’m clever like that), I only managed to get a few pictures of the landscapes. It only got me frustrated to take the pictures though. My phone’s camera sucks, this is no news. But, had I had a better phone or hell, an actual camera and even a good one, I’d still have felt the same. I mean, I’ve seen breathtaking pictures of places I’ve never been to and also of my homeland but these are just pictures. To me, they lack the soul.

I was out there today and it was so beautiful, amazing colors and perfection everywhere and I don’t see it in my pictures. And it’s sad because I’d like everyone that reads me, knows me, to see and feel how beautiful this place is, because it is. And my pictures, my words, nothing is ever up to the mighty work of Mother Nature. It kind of made me sad to realize that. I wish I could actually paint like the great painters, you know, and create things that actually compliment Nature’s perfection.

Anyways, let’s get to the pictures!

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It’s all so much more beautiful IRL! Sugar canes, lots of trees, the sea, the mountain; YES. I don’t think I’ll be able to get some pictures of the volcano though because it’s hot and it’s even hotter there as there’s zero tree to hide underneath but maybe… :3

It was really fun! We didn’t stay for that long cos mom was getting hungry but we had fun. We even played with rocks and sticks cos that’s how we do it! πŸ˜‰

We got to pick some fruits which are delicious. The goyave, a tiny little red berry thing I guess, and the zembrozade, a yellow thing rather hollow and with a big seed inside (you can hear it move if you shake the fruit haha!) also sweet and yum yum! However, when I decided to take pictures, I had almost eaten everything. BUT, fear not, there are three mediocre pictures to illustrate this mediocre paragraph:

The first picture would’ve been full of red dots if I had been a “normal” person and taken a picture of my food before I’d start to eat! πŸ˜›

The only trick to know when eating freshly picked goyaves and zembrozades is to take off the little “beak” because sometimes there can be a few tiny bugs in there, usually ants but today I found ladybugs in mine! I was like “ew!” but then, you know, stillΒ put the thing in my mouth (without the bug, obviously x) ). πŸ™‚

I’m flying back to Lille this Friday and it seems so far away yet too close. I’m a bit scared to be honest. It’s gonna be really hard to leave again and I’m going to miss everyone and everything so badly! But it’s also going to be hard to be back there and face all the mayhem I left behind… It makes me really sad to leave also because I have no idea when I’ll be able to be back again! However, I’m also really excited to get back to Lille because I have so many things to do and work on to build my own path to my own many destinations and I can’t wait to get things moving faster.

I’m really torn but I think that’s exactly the way things should be right now. So many feelings and thoughts that I can’t put into words right now cos it’s already midnight and I’m tired, why ain’t I sleeping?

I still have a few days ahead of me so I’ll try to fill up my batteries as much as I can afford and then I’ll be jumping off the cliff and building my wings on the way down (wink wink Bradbury)!

Alright, this post is a wreck! Just a few more pictures and then I’ll disappear.

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The pictures with mom are so funny because we could’ve sworn we were really close to each other when Gab’s took the pics! But then, he showed us and we were like standing in these weird positions like wtf xD And then, my brother just didn’t want to stand anymore so I had to carry him to get a picture!Β The boy is quite heavy, don’t be fooled by his skinny appearance! πŸ˜›

Alright, I should go to bed now. I’m meeting with an old friend this afternoon and Lilly will be here too, so it’s going to be fun! And this just reminded me, I need pictures with Lilly!! I’ll see to it tomorrow!

Stay hydrated and remember that memories are stored in our hearts and mind, not necessarily on paper and shit. But, if you’re like me and images, faces, and pretty much anything else, fade fast in your mind, take as much pictures as you can to refresh your memory now and then! ❀

P.S.: I soooooooo need to reorganize my categories and everything on my blog because I’m so lost! I can’t believe that I left it like that for so long! I don’t even know where to put what cos it’s sh*t! x) Will do as soon as I’m back!