I know.


The lights come on; the darkness shines again.

The good feelings slide down her body and onto the floor like a dress made out of silk and the weight returns to her shoulders. And there she stands, naked and covered in darkness, under the bright lights that reveal the skeleton of the stage; the flesh and bones of the magical beings she was one with only seconds ago. It is a long and quiet walk back to the hotel room. There are so many feelings, so many reactions and too many thoughts racing through her right now. She smiles. Forever.

The light leaves her eyes and fills the room.

She lies on the bed all night long. Her body enjoys its comfort during these eternal seven hours during which she cannot fall asleep. Buzzing in her head, ringing in her ears, a smile glued to her tired yet blissful face and that feeling devouring her heart and soul. It eats her away, but not in the way that you’d think. It eats her away and makes her whole again. It fills these empty spaces, the dots on the map, the blank spaces in the story. And she’s being chewed on all night. And all morning. And all week. And it never ends.

The light leaves the lamp and fills her heart.

She recalls that night where darkness was home to light and she was all lit up. The stage had her. Her eyes, her ears, her heart and mind. Not a piece of her was kept to herself. She was wide open and her insides enjoyed the fresh air for once. She recalls home as she stands in the middle of her dark room. She looks outside and sees the lighters held up high in the sky. And as she eagerly presses the button on her phone, the first note hits her and takes her back to the stage. Now she’s standing on it, with her heroes besides her and she is the one she knows she is growing to be. She closes her eyes and lets the rain inside drown out the beat of her impatient heart.

The light leaves the moon and goes back to the sun. But the darkness inside is not gone nor is the revived flames and the eternal light, and they eat away at her. Forever. And she smiles.


This was my attempt at writing how attending the Avenged Sevenfold show made me feel. I wrote it in my phone while I was dizzy on my way back home the morning after with zero sleep and eventually forgot about the note. And as I was looking through my phone a few weeks ago I saw it again and I thought that it was really interesting. So I edited it and then eventually read it in a video on channel #2 BUT I somehow never found the time nor the will to really publish it on here! But, finally here it is! x)

Attending this show was like one of the best things that happened to me so far this year. It just gave some truths I already was familiar with a much louder voice and it was like a sweet sweet REMINDER.

Out there, in the dark, the noise, the crowd, the fire (thank you Disturbed for the pyrooooo!!), I found my place. At first, I wanted to title this text “Homesick from shows” because that’s how it felt like and still feels like. I was in a perfect place where I could breathe and feel my everything just smile at the universe and I had to walk away from it and into a dull room filled with bitterness and anxiety; that hollow polka dotted shell.

And for the following weeks, I wore the biggest smile and I was just filled with everything good, everything strong and I still had that feeling inside of me. It had become like a second skin but one that I wore under my flawed flesh bag, like warm tights under my worn out jeans in winter. And it kept me feeling strong for a long while. Then, yes, I had a bit of a good fall but it only showed me where I stood or at least, where I aimed to stand once I could cement my bones back together again.

When I read these few paragraphs again last week for my video, I just felt the fire burn inside of me. It was like the flames were reacting to my reading out loud those words, like my nephew reacting to my sister’s laughter or my dog to my calling his name. The flame inside was rejoicing as I was re-discovering its existence and giving it enough space to breathe anew.

I was assaulted by yet another wave of darkness, that hit me real hard. And it only added to the heavy cloud I carry around. Half of me might still be down or maybe less. But it doesn’t matter. The mayhem inside, the light from the show is here and the many flames that I am, alongside the rain that is also me; it’s all still here and it fuels me. Just like my fear. And just like my joy and the kind loving words of the souls that I encounter. I don’t live like I’m not alive anymore. I am stronger now and I can clearly see where I’m aiming, and I won’t stop shooting. I’m not allowing myself to stand in my way anymore!

I already knew. I always knew that this was what I wanted. But after that night, I knew.

This isn’t a dream anymore nor has it actually ever been. It isn’t just something to believe in and hope for it to happen, hope that I have what it takes to make it happen. No. After that night, it was crystal clear; it is truth, a fact, a reality that I only have to walk towards. It is happening. It will happen. There is no other way. Not because I hope it will; not because I have decided it will. Because there is no other way. This is the reality that I have been walking towards ever since I learnt how to and even when I wasn’t noticing, every step that I laid before me (and sometimes behind or above/underneath; fuck straight lines) were and still are leading there.

I don’t think the Universe is merciless, I think it is full of love and compassion and if you show it your heart, it’ll help. Maybe there is such a thing as fate, but maybe it isn’t such a sad thing as a steel path your ankles are chained to and you have to follow forever. Maybe it is that dull pre-written grey path that we all are set out to walk on as we come into this world… But maybe with our ability to love, hope, dream, and all of that magic of the soul, it slowly becomes filled with flowers and trees and sunshine, and whatnots as we walk through it, and through life as the universe reads each of our hearts’ sighs and sends us these ladders and fuel tanks when it deems are wishes honest enough. I don’t know about that, I can only make up these little stories like a kid and try to explain the unexplainable to my underused ape brain.

But what I’m sure that I know now is what I want. And from now on, I’ll be walking towards my reality while actually looking at it, and seeing its shiny top far away on the horizon and following that damn light. I’m not walking a confused walk anymore. I see it. I know it. And I’m happening.

I am the fire. And I know how I want to burn.

Everything you need is already inside of you, it’s just all up to you to decide what you use, how much, how long and what for. I know you probably hear that a lot around you and it sounds so cliché and maybe you’re one of those that are like “seek of hearing this Hakuna Matata motto from people who won the lotto but [you’re] not that lucky” (direct quote from Set It Off’s Why Worry, awesome song, go listen!!!). But lemme tell you, I’ve been in places, situations, states of mind and I’ve seen and heard stories, and I can assure you that YOU ARE THE KEY. And I know that it’s usually pretty hard to realize it, especially when you’re deep in the whole, been there, done that. But it is indeed true. And that’s why I will keep repeating it while I still can, while I still stand.

This is one of those things that you know deep inside of you. You have the power over your life, maybe not always completely with all the money bullshit and such, but always over how you experience things, how you react and how you let it all impact you. Sometimes you need a reminder. So I’ll keep repeating it, to remind myself, and remind you.

You are the fire. You are the fuel. You can get up. You can stand up again. And you can decide where to go, who to be. It’s all up to you. The key’s in your hands,down your throat, in your heart. Trust yourself and let your light shine.

Anyways. I hope I did spread some light or at least a few sparks. And hmm, well… Until next post, don’t forget. ❤

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Bittersweet day


Today (just realized that as I type this that it’s past midnight… I just can’t seem to get it right haha) got dark really quickly and I didn’t do anything.

It was hard getting out of bed. I had this very long nightmare that ended on a musical number in my highschool AND primary school (melted together, of course) with many people I grew up with and the Jonas Brothers? Yeah, that was unexpected but funny; at least when I woke up. Early morning chuckles are such a nice way to start a day, especially when they echo on the walls of MY EMPTY ROOM. Ha ha. Just kidding. I mean, it is empty but I can’t seriously  exaggerate anything right now; not in the mood. 😛

But as soon as I got out of that magnetic poisonous sponge (okay, maybe I lied. I just can’t control it!) things were great. I picked up my phone and instantly bought the song of Mermaid, Yellow, check it out NOW(it’s only 0.99£/1,21€ to support an amazing band!). I love them so much and Mirela inspires me a lot as a singer and a woman! ❤ I felt really good doing that. It’s such a warm feeling to know that you’re helping and it’s even greater that you get instant satisfaction from it as now I have my own copy of an amazing song!

Anyways. Got breakfast, turned computer on, ready to get back on that self-portrait while there’s still “sun” outside (more like a really bright grey sky yeah) and everything. And then, I’m not sure what happened nor where time went but it got dark all of a sudden.

I was on Avenged Sevenfold’s website and just felt like a millionaire all of a sudden and bought a shirt and the digital copy of their latest album THE STAGE (which I still haven’t listened to… >w<). Now, don’t get me wrong. I had only come for a shirt (yeah that sure sounds “better”) but then I saw that they had a special deal where you got the shirt + the album and it was a great deal that I just couldn’t miss. Figured, hey, that’ll be a nice opportunity to listen to it (FINALLY!) and also support a band that I absolutely live for. So I did.

Then, the sun fell into the ground and my curtains embraced my windows. My room was pitch black. All of a sudden it was the middle of the afternoon and I was doing math, doing my books to be more precise and the whole Universe was being absorbed by a huge black hole sporting the Amazon logo and my stupid Facebook profile picture was shining like a fast food sign above the mass, like a bright marked path to HELL.

(See what I meant by “I can’t control it”? 😉 )

Now, of course, I hear you coming with the “Surely it isn’t THAT dramatic, Chloë.” but hear me when I say YES IT IS. Alright, maybe just tone it down a bit but it’s still a real rock that fell onto my head that afternoon. I was counting and counting and what I saw was the probability (91,47% to be precise; not) that I wouldn’t be able to afford the guitar that I want NEED next month and that I might have to go another month without guitar… Does that still sound overdramatic to you? Well, I don’t care because it is a big deal to me and the only thing I can do about it, well, I can’t do.

I’m already on the verge of losing my mind. It’s just really hard to be without the only thing you care about. And I really can’t sing freely in my room because I can’t take the pressure off my shoulders… The walls are too thin and I can’t be okay with bothering people so I always end up being quieter than I should. This is not healthy.

Anyways. I descended in a pit of darkness and could hear the voices again. Maybe I shouldn’t even buy a new guitar; at all. Maybe I should just go back home and give up this foolish dream. Maybe I don’t need it. And boy did I NOT miss them. Couldn’t shut them off on time, they said their lines then waited and it only took a few seconds for all energy to be drained from my body.

In an attempt to feel better  or at least recharge my batteries, I went to listen to the album which I had downloaded. I dragged my wiggly body to my bed and lied there under my covers, headphones plucked in my top quality phone. It plays the first song of the album which I’ve already heard as it was the single. I’m sooo overwhelmed by the music like really. Tears! Sure a bit from tiredness and discouragement but mostly the music. So beautiful and… I don’t have the words yet. I feel like I’m floating and it feels so good. Wait for it…. Only ONE song? Did I buy only one song for that much money? Or is something wrong with the download?

Of course, my mind was set on negative so I was irritated. I tried my best to keep calm. Was hard, especially when I had to restart my computer twice to finally log onto my account and see what’s up. I sent a mail to the customer’s service and quickly got a reply with a dropbox link to download it. It felt better already. But I was still discouraged. But just slightly; not as dark as before. Still had that bitterness in my mouth though.

Just that one song actually washed away half of the filth I spat onto myself after having touched the evil numbers relative to my money. I was calmer. Still very wiggly though. Hours later (don’t ask me what happened, Idek), I was picking a movie to eat food while watching even if the idea of food didn’t exactly sound okay to me at that moment. I settled for A Street Cat Named Bob and it was beautiful. It moved me so much and I loved every bit of it. If you haven’t seen it I highly recommend or maybe read the book or do both? Worth it!

As I finished the movie I checked a bit my Facebook feed and came across a gem. A beautiful bright one that came to me right when I needed it! A new song from LIGHTS and Steve James called Warrior. And that was, well, the cherry on a bitter cake.

I had a really long and negative day but I survived. And good actually came out of it. I helped a “baby band” which is growing so fast ( ❤ ), I ruined myself in the name of metal ( \m/ )… again!, I cried in front of a movie with a cat (for a change 😦 ) and I got some more fuel from LIGHTS ( 😀 ).

Also, after a really dark moment full of panic I rubbed my feet on the ground and reminded to myself that even if I can’t afford a guitar next month, I ‘ll still have the singing lessons and I’ll just have to be less quieter in my room (At least I’m not yell-crying like that couple on the 4th floor when they argue, it’s just singing and not so bad most of the time so turn it up! Just a notch though. I don’t think I can overcome the pressure I put on myself not to bother people with my existence. Wish the walls were thicker!). I’ll get that guitar eventually, i.e. SOON. And no, I won’t settle for a less expensive one. I’ve fallen in love. I’ll get her. And then I’ll have to work thrice as hard. Good times.

Anyways. That’s a really long post. I don’t think anyone reads these. x) At least I hope you skipped to the song:

 

Eyes open wide ❤

 

I hate phone calls (but I love me)


As I type this, it’s all faded a bit but today (well yesterday now that it’s already one am) I was filled with pride and was pretty much high on it. I made a very important phone call . Let me repeat that. I made a call. I call my mom, sister and best friend pretty often so what’s the deal, right? Well, I don’t really know but fear of phone calls is an actual thing! It took me two hours but I did it. I’m still not sure how.

I tried pep talk, I tried to Schmidt my way out of it (usually it works!), music, breathing exercises, counting to three, running to the phone; NOTHING. Really. No matter how much I tried to explain to myself how important it was and how it was only going to bring good and how it was necessary and not so scary, I just couldn’t do it. I’m guessing I managed out of exhaustion. Like it tend to happens often. But anyways, what matters is that I did it!

I called for voice lessons. That young lady was so nice and damn, as soon as she picked up I felt better. Usually it’s more about the anticipation than the actual thing. I think there’s like a ten-second rule or so. Like you know you gotta do something, but if you let too much time fly between the moment you know you’ve got to and the moment you do it, you leave room for overthinking and it can just ruin everything. I know that very well but sometimes I just slip? 😛 Maybe that’s just how it works for me though, I don’t know. But usually, when I make a phone call, I just gotta go quick and click the damn button, then there’s no turning back and I usually manage the conversation. But if I just stop for a second, I get trap in a web of thoughts and my energy is slowly drained by imaginary spiders and it gets harder and harder to do it…

So, I’ll be having my first ever singing lesson on March 2nd. Why so far? Because I didn’t realize that there is a school break happening very soon and they don’t work during these breaks; so there’s only room then. That’s actually kind of cool co it leaves me time to think of which song(s) I’ll bring to work around. And it is also pretty much the most awesome day ever because it is only TWO DAYS after the Avenged Sevenfold show I’m going to on Feb 28th! I’m really excited because this is just the start of it all. I’m going to make so many more things happen and just seeing start happening before my eyes like that it’s… It feels good! It just feels good, man! 😀

I was really proud of myself. For having managed to call even after two hours of light self-torture. But also because I’m taking steps forward and really getting serious at building my own path. I’m really happy right now.

I’ve got a lot of things to be excited about. A lot of things to work on. There’s just the whole world in front of me. I feel kind of “new”? Like, I can see again. I feel very good and ready. I’m terrified. I am! But I’m just so thrilled about this whole journey. I feel fresh. I feel better. I feel strong again. Able again. Free, lightweight, fearless, terrified, galvanized, de-emptied, creative, everything at once and so little of nothing. That’s a change, right? I almost forgot how it felt. Taking my life. Taking back myself and my everending possibilities.

A dark soul, still. But with a bag full of candles and fuel leaking out of my veins through my fingertips. And I’ve finally took one candle out of the bag and lit it up. Now watch me walk till I run till I fall then run again.

Darkness means light. ❤

Land ho!, a tale of blisters, light and hope


What a week I had! I think that it makes up for all the times I traded a work out session for some (as in ‘a whole damn lot of‘) Ben & Jerry’s. 😉

My friend and I had to leave the house we lived in for the past year so we could save more money to visit our parents on Xmas and also travel a bit. So, we got ourselves a small flat close to the university (in a dormitory). It’s really nice and the rooms here are bigger than in most dormitories. A little bit more expensive than a tinier one, obviously, but worth it. We’re like a few steps away from college and won’t have to worry about burning all our money on subway tickets!

As two very lame non-driver students, we had to move all our things by foot and with the help of the subway (thank God for that!). Safe to say it was very exhausting! Especially with the fact that the sun was out all week. I swear, ALL damn week long! We’ve had a few cloudy days the previous week but this week, we had next to no cloud in the sky and a very strong sun lighting our path. Awesome! x)

I’m not very sure of the numbers but I’ll try to give you an idea. Usually, we’d take 5 to 10 minutes to walk from the house to the metro station and 10 to 15 minutes from the other station to the dormitory. With the bags, it took twice as long and sometimes more as we had to take more breaks as we got more tired with each trip and with the sun. Eventually, it took us from one hour to one hour and a half to make a round-trip. From Monday, 5PM to yesterday 6PM, I think we made a round 16 round trips (maybe more).

One awesome thing though is that after we were done with the light paperwork and returning our keys to the landlord, he drove us near the dormitory. Our legs were delighted! 😀

So, it was a very long week which drained us quickly. We were already breaking on Wednesday. Ha ha!

Yesterday was really the hardest of all days. Our bodies were reaching the limit and I could barely walk in a straight line. But it’s over now and we got to rest. Last night, we had a nice dinner in a perfect little Asian restaurant. I also had the best night sleep in a while on a real damn mattress (after a year on inflatable mattresses or blankets simply laid on a wooden floor)! Weirdly enough, I feel really great today. 😀

So, on this sunny Saturday morning, I wanted to share with you a little something that this week has told me. Well, maybe not exactly told me, more like reminded me.

I believe it was on Tuesday when it crossed my mind. We were walking, and gasping for air under the sun in the parking lot, which is a nice bunch of feet from the dorm. We made a little stop under a tree’s shadow to take a little breather and also some time to whine about how tired we already were and how we couldn’t possibly move everything on time before Friday, 5PM. Then it hit me like it hadn’t in a while.

The ultimate jolt of energy.

It is that feeling that comes out of nowhere when you’re doing something really hard/exhausting and you’re reaching that limit and it feels like you’re going to break. It is that strength that comes out of nowhere just when you feel like you can’t bear it anymore. Well, maybe it doesn’t come out of nowhere actually. It is injected in your bloodstream by the rays of hope that pierce the sky as you realize you aren’t that far from the next step anymore. It is the sudden strength that seizes your body when you look up and can see the last set of stairs.

You’ve been through the rain, the storm, the heat, the harsh waves and you feel despair and darkness slowly crawl in the back of your mind, ready to spread and make you abandon ship. But then, the ocean shakes your ship and forces you to look up and there it is. Land ho! That spark of hope that is enough to keep you going. You see what I mean?

We were mostly fueled by applesauce this week. So, it was easy to get weak halfway through the first half of the journey. But then, we’d walk a few steps in the parking lot and see the bus stop and get that little jolt of energy to walk a little faster and get to sit there to rest a bit. The bus stop was our “Land ho!” moment. And sitting there felt like some cheaper version of Heaven. From there, we had only a few more steps to take to reach the building. So this helped rekindle the fire and get the engine running again, already rejoicing to the idea of putting the damn bags down in the room and take our shoes off for a moment.

The ultimate jolt of energy like a kick in the ass from a foot with the flesh of Hope and the shoe of Faith. It doesn’t erase the tiredness, the pain or anything, but it puts them way in the background because at that moment you really see how tiny they are, just details. And at that moment, all you think about is your goal and all you wanna do is get there and you will. This jolt of energy actually restores the state of mind you had before all the hardship, when you were ready to tear apart the world to get to where you were headed; back when you still had the naivety to believe that you could make it without bruises and in one piece.

Alright. I think you’ve got it by now! Ha ha. I might have went a little far with the words (as always) but I think I made my point! 😉

We live in hope. Hope lives within us. And often, it’s what keeps us alive. It’s a mix of wish and certainty. It is desire AND confidence which is why I believe it can make us so strong. You want it to happen but you aren’t just wishing, you know it will, you believe it will. So you stick around to see if it actually does because you can’t be sure, it’s still part-wish.

Alright. I’m almost done. Long read, I know! 😛

All of this was just for me to say that often people would give up a few steps before they reach their bus stop, the big tree’s shadow, because they were overcome with the hardship. And it’s sad.

Now, every time I feel I want to give up, I remind myself that maybe that means I ain’t that far from the last set of stairs so maybe I should keep going because ultimately I want to climb that damn building. It’d be a shame to go through the pain of going down the stairs that you managed to live through in the first place just because you can’t bear it anymore. I want to reach the next floor so why should I be thinking of going down?

So, if you feel like giving up, look for some place to rest and if you don’t see one, just sit exactly where you are and rest. Give your body and mind the time to gather more strength to go on and then keep going. I don’t think there’s ever a time where turning back is interesting. Think of it that way: going back will make you more tired too, so if you have to suffer some more, wouldn’t you it rather be to get a little closer to your goal?

Point made. I believe. 😉

Thanks for reading! ❤

One year later…


Today’s sunny & hot. My water won’t stay cold and it’s hard to breathe. I can barely gather enough strength to do things I love. Summer is draining the life out of me!

With the overwhelming weight of summer pushing down on me, I’m forced to face the reality of Time. And that, my readers, is that Time flies! So, I thought that instead of spending two hours lying on the floor like a weak and frustrated thing, I should write something. My last post is already 21 days old and it’s also officially been a little over a year I left home. Where the heck did all these days go? I guess it’s the right time for a little retrospection so I’m just gonna sit down for a moment and look back. Feel free to join me while I dissect my long year in Lille! 😉

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