I have lost all discipline, all routine and my skills have become hollow shells.
Okay; maybe I am exaggerating a little but the person I had worked so hard to become last year has faded. In less time than it took to build it, the base of this empire had all vanished.
It made me sad, for a while. Why does it always have to be this way, I asked. Why do I always have to lose everything and then be forced to start over? I honestly had no faith in a strength or power that was left in me to do this one more time.
For a while, I grieved the loss of that hard work and those long-wished-for skills I had developed that summer. I couldn’t see them ever coming back to life. I couldn’t see me ever being me again. And until a couple of days back, I think I still couldn’t believe any of it.
But right now, as I sit on my couch, safe in my newfound nest with a cup of coffee, I can take a deep breath and confidently say this:
I’m going to be just fine; in time.
A year has come and gone. Life has pushed me to limits I had underestimated the danger of and although I survived — as I knew I would — this war has taken a lot out of and from me.
Truth is, after months of fighting, I stopped fighting, but still kept walking through the punches, even without hope. I just blindly kept moving forward, muscle memory guiding my way.
Running is all I’ve ever done anyways and believe me, I’ve tried, but it can’t be stopped. Even when things got so painful and I wanted to give up, I wasn’t able to and I just had to keep suffering through the days, even without the believable promise of a brighter day.
It broke my heart to look back at my older posts, on here or Instagram or YouTube and see how, not even that long ago I was standing so strong through the storm. How even as a dying bird I kept singing, I kept drawing, I kept holding on to the light and hoping…
It was hard to look at her and realize that I was a completely different person now. She was gone, the strong hardworking me and all that was left was this… A ghost in the night, that had run so much it forgot how to walk or even stand.
It was hard to look at her and not see me, but a ”her” with whom I shared nothing but a name.
It was hard, at first, but then I realized that I didn’t wish to be her again. That girl was beyond miserable while I am happy.
I am still me, with my scars and demons and the rain clouds in my mind constantly sending shivers down my spine. But I am happy and I am in a happy place now.
I am safe and although I still have to recover from my wars, I am stronger than she was and that is only thanks to her.
So, this birthday, I didn’t raise my cup to myself and all that’s to come. I raised it to her and all that she withstood and fought so I could be here, in a warm cozy nest with my love and with all those opportunities to seize.
I celebrated 22yo Chloe and all those before her. I thanked them with all my heart for having been so brave and relentless in the pursuit of a brighter shade of darkness.
They are not ”her”s, they are just past versions of myself and we are all but one. And that is why I’m the strongest now because I am the combination of all those lost&won wars, all those dark nights and all those worn out lungs.
still the Fire.
Next Wednesday, I am going back home to Reunion with the love of my life on a two-week holiday. And this will be the much-awaited/deserved rest that we’ve been starving for.
The both of us have been through our own fair share of struggles for the last five years.
And, even since we met, things haven’t magically fixed themselves because we still had some trouble weather to walk through before we got to build our little nest together.
I had been dying lately, and it’s not because things were harder at all. Because things have never been easier nor brighter.
But I believe it is because with all the running I’ve been doing, I never had one true break, not one time did I ever get to settle down and breathe and gather myself before I kept going forward again.
However, now that things are great, we can go on real holidays which are just going to be fun and relaxing and come back to our home which is safe and happy.
And then, from then on, we can build ourselves up again and work towards becoming and creating everything we’ve been dreaming of and just be happy together.
I will be putting up some pictures from our holidays because I can never miss an opportunity to share the true beauty of my homeland.
But after that, this blog will be over as I move on to a new one where I can work to get my life in order and get back to creating and being me again (you will know more about this soon enough; I still have to get it up and running before you can see it hehe).
Thanks for your time if you got through all this. It’s really just my life so I never really understand when I see so many of you guys have read my posts but it means a lot ❤