Hard working rhymes with self-loving!

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Last week I took a break. Tried. And it was really hard.

But during the last few hours of it, I eventually had a breakthrough. And now I’m back on the road, at a slow walking pace, trying to catch up with the image of who I’m trying to be.

These four days were intended to be a “mental health break”, where I would let go of all the necessary and unnecessary pressure, and focus on feeling good. Relax, as Esther likes to say it. It was supposed to calm me down and help me find my way again. Kind of like a “spring cleaning” of my mind, sorta???

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It was hard to step away from work! Simply because “work” literally consists of all I’m passionate about. And also, it wasn’t easy to ignore the loud voice that always goes: “you gotta work harder or you’ll never get there on time”; ‘on time’ referring to my time, as in whenever I’m scheduled to die.

I had to resist the cravings to open up my books or pick up pens or bring out my guitar. And, at first, it was the hardest I had ever had to try not to do work!

But eventually, my body settled into a more relaxed, as in lazy, mode of life — which I actually used to be very used to, years ago.. And so I had four days that were very different from whatever lifestyle I had settled into ever since I got here.

Although they didn’t bring me the peace I expected, they really helped my sanity and body. I did loads of walking and watched loads of my favorite shows, and, most importantly, I let go of some of the pressure.

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If you know me, you know I’m not one to take breaks, and certainly not long ones.. But I’ve just been so stressed out these past few weeks that I had to do something about it. What motivated me to take action was that the small breakdowns just kept happening and it was both draining and frustrating.

Anything would be enough to make me feel defeated and get me on the floor. And it made it so hard for me to go through each day, accumulating disappointment and frustration. All I wanted was to make some progress, get things done and get better at everything. But I only got the opposite and it was down right irritating.

It created this crippling fear in me with the daily anticipation for the small struggles, disappointment and I-want-to-bang-my-head-on-the-wall’s. Every little thing felt a thousand times bigger and it weighed on my back, which was bending too much I was scared it’d break.

The last straw was fucking up my guitar restringing… I felt so heavy when I realized I fucked up. It was the most defeated I had been in a long while. I wanted to give up on everything!

And the thing is that I instantly knew why it made me feel that way. Which doesn’t happen all the time! You know, sometimes you need time to cool down and think back on a breakdown to realize which cat pushed the vase off the table and how that is why your foot is bleeding. what the hell did I just write

One, because I was so stressed out that anything that would come in the way of my work and “jeopardize” my progression towards my goals would freak me out. And two, because I was utterly disappointed in myself for failing at doing something I thought I was good at.

I mean, this was changing the strings on my guitar. Musician 101. And I thought that, even though I still don’t have that much experience, I could actually handle it and do a decent job on my own. It was kind of a slap in the face. Very small. But it was enough to throw me off my foot stool (which, with the edge of my bed, constitute my desk, aka working space, ha ha)… A small mistake, which can easily be fixed, and my whole career was annihilated!

And that was it, the moment I knew that I had to step away from it all before I would completely lose my marbles.

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I was overwhelmed that even breathing was too stressful

Now, I think that the reason that this happened is because I do not ever take real breaks. Small ones. And so I just keep pushing and pushing and pushing… And eventually, the tiredness and pressure accumulates and I only realize that I should stop and take care of myself when I’m so close to breaking. (Which is not that bad a thing! At least I know when to stop!)

I gotta work on that. I am working on it, as a matter of fact! I think I am finally starting to learn how to learn from my mistakes! Hip, hip, hooray!

I am thinking in a healthier way now, including breaks in my routines and allowing fun activities to relax in between the grind.

When I read what I just typed, I realized how silly it sounds. But my head is literally so focused on what is to come out of it, that sometimes I forget myself completely in my hardworking ways. And so I have to remind myself that I am a person behind all of those dreams and goals, that I have to take care of myself because without me, there is no me.

There you go, I made it even sillier! 😉

But what I mean is that I am at the bottom of it all, the foundation of the dreams. Healthy body, healthy mind. All of that. I sometimes get so absorbed by the idea of hard work that I neglect myself which is a big issue that I must work on fixing for the sake of all. If I can’t stand, nobody will drag me to the other side of the mountains and then nothing will be possible anymore.

There’s only one door to all possibilities and that’s me.

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I gotta take better care of myself for I am the only one that can turn my dreams into reality.

This is a hard concept for me to comply with because, like I said, the over-achieving-hard-working-gotta-make-it-happen part of me always gets the upper hand. And that hand is a hard ruling one; an imperious one, dare I say! And that little dictator has that unhealthy way of correlating “fun” with “slacking off”… So, I guess that is why it is hard for me to learn that working hard doesn’t mean “always beating yourself up and neglecting the poor little human that you are”.

You know, people always say “Don’t let them kill your spark!”. But I think that what we should say is “Don’t beat the dreams out of yourself!”. Have I said that before? (yes) Because sometimes, by dreaming too hard, we kill our own fire. And that’s one of the things I kept telling myself during these four days, this is not what music is all about.

I have been too overwhelmed lately. Not just by work. Although, it is part of the problem. There’s been too much tension and frustration. And I was feeling miserable. Which is definitely NOT what art is all about.

Art is my safe place. It feels good and it makes me feel alive. And it should always feel that way. But I let my demons eat away at me again and I let them go too close to the fire and they got a bite out of my dreams..

But I’m bouncing back up now!

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My break didn’t really relax me. If anything, it stressed me out some more. I was just trying so hard not be stressed out at first, that I got overwhelmed. Took me a while to find back the “easy going” way.

But it made me remember something…

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I don’t exactly remember it, but I know I mentioned it in several posts last year, because that’s when this new point of view came and changed my life. And this, my friends, is a very crucial key for me to keep moving through life. Don’t let the fear paralyze you; instead, let it fuel you. Work through it. Work through the storm! Not because you’re scared means you shouldn’t even try.

And I realized that, lately, I had let the fear eat me up and this is not okay.

It’s time to kick those demons in the ass again, remind them where they belong. I know they can’t leave, and I’m kind of fine with them staying; that’s not what I’m asking. What  I demand is that they stay put in their place. I am in charge. They are tied to the tree while am roaming free!

So, I am ready to get my shit back together now. We’re two days after the end of my short break and I’ve been doing okay. I’ve been really nice to myself and letting it happen. I’ve not been pushing too much and my head is up. I’m doing my best!

I am happy because I know that I can count on me and knowing what I know about me, I’m glad to know that I’ve got my back. I know this is weirdly-phrased but what I mean is that it feels good to be able to trust yourself like this and know that you are enough, you’ve got all it takes to provide for yourself on this crazy adventure!

Now, this is a long post like we hadn’t seen in a while, ain’t it? I’m glad I got all of this out! I am so ready for a more self-loving hard-working life and I can’t wait for you guys to hear the new songs! Also, there will be paintings soon with my mom and brother’s birthdays coming in June!

Plus a special little BIG news…. hehe

Until next post, remember to be kind to you and to everyone else and do not let fear stop you! Coexist with your own storm(s?)! ❤

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The right to sleep.

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Life is a constant struggle. Ain’t it?

There’s always so much you want to do and always so little time. And it’s so easy to get distracted or lost and waste that time in very silly ways. This is what I’ve been wrecking my brains over lately: trying to use my time wisely. Which is mostly why I picked up on the whole bullet journal trend!

You know I’m all about… everything, right? If you look at my tracker, you’ll see music theory, guitar, voice, art, writing, reading and Italian fighting their way into my daily life. And, of course, on top of that you have my desperate needs to keep a social life and a healthy body. Of course, you’ll tell me, it’s hard to manage all those things at once, why don’t you pick one? And I would probably very rudely answer, “No.”

I don’t wanna and I won’t. Because that’s not the issue. There is enough time in a day to fit at least a consistent 75% of these. It doesn’t have to be everything at once, but a nice amount of… a couple of them. Or maybe just one but really intensely then. Or maybe I’m just delusional… yes

The real issue is that sometimes I get lost in silly daydreams and I let my time slip right outta my hands for a hollow ephemeral mental bliss. It’s like a fucking drug, I swear. I’m trying to fight that because it is not the healthy type! And it’s also double-edged because in the end it brings more pain than pleasure, and more anxiety than peacefulness as I panic over all the time that I just lost.

As I’m really serious about those things, I want myself to be sincerely dedicated to them to make them move my way and as fast as possible because I’m getting tired of waiting! And sometimes, I get really tyrant-like with myself…

I’ve got this really unhealthy belief that I do not deserve rest or distractions or treats unless I have worked what I consider a considerable amount that day. I do realize that I need sleep though to be able to go on and keep working hard the next day. But I do go to bed feeling really guilty and shameful if I haven’t done at least half of the work that I had in mind for the day.

I’m working on it, don’t you worry. But easing the grip around my neck doesn’t mean self-discipline is out of the door. I still think that treats are earned. Sleep, on the other hand, should not be on the bidding table(is there such thing?).

Anyway. I’m writing all of that just to dramatically state that tonight, I have earned the right to sleep.

This day started out pretty “meh…”. Bad vibes and then, I’m not going to lie, a lot of dancing around and fooling around instead of serious work. And then it got turned around. Although I only had a mere hour and a half out of my four hours of daily morning free time, I did kick the shit out of it.

I didn’t work so well on my voice or guitar. But I practiced the two songs that I have been learning (Girl Crush by Little Big Town and In the Mourning by Paramore), in order to perform for my host family and eventually at an open mic session or something. Just to get me started. And it’s taking me forever And I posted a cover on my YT channel. AND I got yet another song idea!

And then, tonight, I have completed the first draft of the last chapter of my story Uncage the Night. And I posted here on the blog, aka the place to be! 😉

This is why, I have earned the right to skip my Italian revision tonight and go to bed (still gonna read a bit first, though) before eleven!

It feels good to get things done! And it feels bad to waste my time. Why isn’t it so simple as to just stop doing the things you know are wrong? Meh; where’s the fun in that?!

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Until next post, sleep, my dude! ❤

The “H” word.

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Happiness is not a sacred land that you can only reach after years of hard work. That is purely a fantasy.

Happiness is not an everlasting bliss. That is delusional.

Happiness isn’t a mysterious light at the end of a tunnel that you pursue.

Just like sadness, happiness doesn’t last forever for it’s only an emotion. And emotions aren’t forever. They have a certain duration and intensity, and more often then not, they fade fast. They’re only passing through.

How long it lasts only depends on what caused it. It can be a person, a thing, a moment, a dream; anything. It can be recurring. Like, when you see them again; each time. But it’s never a constant line. It needs to take breaks, breathe in, freshen up so it doesn’t get old. It’s interrupted by other emotions, sudden waves. Or it simply fades out after a while, like a cigarette slowly consumed by your eager lips.

 

It can’t last.

Because nothing lasts.

“Forever happy” is a fantasy. Happiness is a moment; a deep breath; a smile; a smaller piece of dust from the sea of dust blowing in the wind.

Happiness is the little things, the bigger ones. It’s the people, you. It can be found anywhere, in anyone, anything, at any time. And it’s a lovely emotion, it feels really good. But it doesn’t last. And it isn’t as big a deal as you’d like to believe.

 

Don’t reach out for a fantasy. Reach in and around for a real emotion, a pure bliss and enjoy it as it runs through you.

Happiness is now. It’s everyday. And it’s never lonely for we are like salad bowls of emotions and feelings. It’s never just one. Your insides are intertwined in a big messy hug.

Sometimes, this life leaves you blue…” But if you look close you’ll see that’s not the only color in your bruises. There’s more than meets the confused mind & distraught heart.

I’m a firm believer that there’s light even in the darkest of places, even if just a spark. And I’ve made a way of life out of finding it everywhere, the Light; the sparks.

You’ll get sad. You’ll get angry. You’ll get happy. You’ll get loads of different things, sometimes all at once! But you won’t get to a special place that contains all that means “light” to you. Not in this life at least. If happiness has to be a place, then, look no further than in yourself. There’s a whole universe in there; it’s all yours to explore…

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Until next post, embrace the ephemeral lights that make this world go round! ❤

That sudden feeling

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You know how sometimes you’re just sitting down at your desk doing whatever, and this thing, like a disease that had been sleeping, it just takes over you and fucks you up.

You’re just here minding your own and then, your bones are cold and your temperature reaches for the sky.

Out of nowhere, those decaying butterflies arrive, dancing their crooked dance and finding their way to your stomach, spreading their deadly spores all over.

That feeling that something is wrong but although it is a blurry one, it is intense and unsettling.

It knocks you off your chair. And if you’re not swift enough to grab something, anything, to focus back on reality, it drags you on that downwards spiral and it’s hard to escape.

It feels like all of a sudden your stomach has been filled with blue paint.

And then, right when you start getting accustomed to it, it leaves you. Just like that. Leaving an even deeper void in there.

Or is that just me?

What the existential fuck?!

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I think it’s crazy how Reality & Fantasy are superimposed on each other every second that I breathe. Like broken oil and water, finally mixing together, only not completely, and never not sloppily.

Essentially, all of Reality is Fantasy because, through my sole point of view, the only one I own, nothing ever is truly true or fully complete. A lot of what I actually perceive of Reality’s scope, if not all, is me guessing, me imagining, connecting the dots, trying to fill in the blanks, making sense of silences and desperately trying to see words, pictures in empty skies. None of it is ever truth, rather hollow ideas.

Reality is a fantasy. Life is unreal. I am surreal. Nothing makes sense, nothing is real. My eyes have fancy filters on, adding sense, colors, warmth and whatever else it deems necessary to this bland, vacant space in which I float. All of which are gone, from me; from the rest.

There is nothing.

I am nothing. And yet, I remain.

Make sure you can count on yourself.

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Hi! I’m tired and my eyes are struggling to stay open as I type this. But I have to get it out so bear with me, this is a good one, I promise!

I had a small talk with my best friend earlier about how I’m uncovering wounds that have yet to heal but never stung enough for me to notice them. I have indeed, in the past few days, became aware of a couple of issues and mental/emotional blocks and also realized where a few of them originate from. And I was telling her a bit about them and how I was feeling, how crazy it is the impact that other people and their words, no matter the levity they be spoken in, can have on one tiny person.

She, of course, agreed and worked her best friend magic on me. But there’s one thing she said… She told me we’d work through it together ( ❤ ) and it would take time, loads of precious time, but we’ll get there eventually. Which was sweet. Then she went on giving me the “love yourself” talk and I had to stop her.

Sure, we all need some pep talk every now and then and reminders to love ourselves through our flaws and darkest moments, yadi yada yada. But, that seems to be a big misconception a lot people tend to have about me so I had to write this down to set the record straight(and also, maybe, possibly, make sure I remember what’s true). Sure, I’m definitely all about self-depreciating jokes and I don’t radiate confidence like my ego was the fucking sun, but I do love me.

I am not going to lie, I have insecurities, doubts and on some days I really can beat myself up about a tiny detail on my body/mind. Of course! We all do. But I still love myself. Then again, to keep in the same line of my previous post, my way of loving me might not earn one too many ticks on your own “check-list of self-love”. But believe me, if there’s someone that loves me, it’s me. I know myself like no one else and my darkness, and all those ugly corners, I know them, I accept them and I wouldn’t trade them.

Love is not an acquired skill or a prized possession or whatever you wanna make it. It’s a work in progress, a continuous lesson. You keep learning and it keeps growing and changing shape and moving and burning… And you have to take care of it just like a garden filled with stuff(to be very unoriginal). But it’s something you work on and something that works within you also. You care for it and it cares for you.

Also, I was telling her how overly dramatic my little self has been reacting to minor inconveniences in the past few months. Like, a tiny thing would happen (maybe just in my mind), and I’d go “Alright so… You can’t count on anyone at all. I better just focus on my work and build myself a career or something. That won’t let me down.” And I was just laughing about it. Like today, nothing at all happened; I just misinterpreted a thing and then my brain turned it instantly into a full-blown drama and I picked my guitar up and I could hear those words in my head. I had to stop and laugh it out. Because it is super silly.

One thing, though, that I have to save from this funny newly added feature in my tragedy-orientated mind, is “you can only count on yourself”. Which might be an overstatement, but I think the core of it is true. No matter how many love you, how many you can trust and turn to, at the end of the day, you’re always the one that’s here, all the time, and the only one that can always be there. And that’s a relationship you definitely have to look out for and make sure it is healthy, non-toxic, balanced and just.

Compassion, empathy, love, little attentions, etc; all of these are actually pretty easy to give, give, give away to all you love. But it’s sometimes harder to give it to yourself. We tend to be harder on ourselves than we are with others and I’m like, why? I know I do it too! I’m all about love and forgiveness for all. Accept all their flaws and understand them, be patient and caring. But I’m the first one brandishing a belt ready to beat my own self up over any tiny detail. If I think everyone is deserving of love and forgiveness and should be treated with kindness always, then why should that be any different for me? Let’s not go there today, though haha

And I know I’m not perfect. And I know that sometimes I fail at loving and caring for myself when faced with frustration and broken expectations. And I know I break my heart a lot and don’t always do what I want me to do. But at the end of the day, I still love me and I know I can count on me.

I’ve been acknowledging the fire in me a lot more lately, especially ever since I let go of all the toxicity (relationships and environment) in my life. I’ve gotten over a lot of things and struggled, survived and am still working through it. I have been faced with a small portion of my own strength and now know for sure that I am capable of much much more! I have trust in me and in my potential.

I’m enjoying time on my own more and am becoming more & more okay with the idea of standing alone. I can acknowledge (okay, it’s pretty hard to admit sometimes but I can do it) my beauty, both inside and out. And I don’t take my flaws as flaws although I can recognize those that definitely need to be worked on. My anxiety had managed to convince me last year that I definitely wasn’t anything at all on my own. But I’ve proved that b*tch(and the other ones too) super wrong, haven’t I?

We all need people. People to love us and support us. I do. I need that. A lot. But it’s important to remember that you are your own person also and you definitely are still valid and awesome without these people. It’s important to be able to exist without them and rely on yourself. You gotta make sure that you are here. Be okay with having to hold your own hand through dark times and carry your own tired body on your back to get through those long dull alleys of life. Make sure that when all else fails, you’ll still be there.

You’re the foundations of this big house, your whole universe revolves around you. People don’t make you you, you do. People don’t make your strength, your worth; you are strong and valuable on your own. Love can add on to the strength and make things look more meaningful. But I promise you, you are already so much more on your own! Trust in that. Skies get dark and nights get long, but there is comfort to be found in your own warmth on those lonely winter nights.

I know sometimes the idea of having only your own hand to hold through a hard day is not exactly a very comforting thought. But that is the beginning of it all. Once you realize that you are here and you are someone to fall back on, you’ll get a better grasp of the words “you’re not alone”. You might have friends, you might have family, you might have pets, you might have hobbies or weird fetishes or whatever floats your boat. But you also have you, and that, lads, is actually such a stupid beautiful thing.

I’ll just end this here. I love me and am happy to know that I’m someone to fall back on. I apologize to my hands for looking down on them sometimes when I’m drowning in myself and they’re the only ones I can reach. I am thankful for them. I am thankful for the fire in me and the neverending strength the Earth keeps on feeding me. And I am also thankful for all the outside love that I receive through my friends and family and the whole Universe, because that is also an important piece of the puzzle!

Until next post, just, send yourself some flowers or something. You’re beautiful and you deserve all the love. ❤

Dreaming as a Curse…

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IMG_20171223_223943.jpgIt doesn’t take much. Just a spark and I can light up a whole universe. It doesn’t take much at all. Just a glimpse, just a sound, just a second.

I guess I am part of those “lucky ones”, those that dream and dream big, that believe on and on; creatures of hope & fantasies. But there’s no such things as luck.

I dream fast. I dream big. I dream tiny; but always intensely. I dream Life; I dream Death. I dream Love; I dream Pain. I dream all… I dream nothing… It doesn’t take much. My heart falls for the idea and my whole body follows. And I can’t help it. I can’t fight it.

Sometimes, Reality comes along and shatters the foolish ones. But I pick them back up. I can’t let go. I can’t give up. I don’t know how to. Even when I do give up, Im not.

My dreams don’t die. And sometimes I wish they would. I can’t stop. But I wish I could. Because it hurts; dreams hurt. When Reality comes along, it hurts. It’s not so bad but dreams have poisoned my all and I’m not sure Reality wants to be friends with me anymore. She’s not the enemy. (They are?)

Dreaming is good. It fuels you. It’s called “goals“. It comforts you from bad or nonexisting experiences. It’s called “fantasies“. Dreaming is human. It’s called ” breathing from the heart”, maybe the soul’s whispers.

“Don’t stop dreaming.”, they say.

“Hold on to your dreams!”, they said.

“Keep believing.”, they said.

“Not that kind of dreams…”, I said.

“Dreaming is good.”, they said.

“Don’t give up.”

“Never let go.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a dream.”

“It’s just a fantasy, it won’t hurt anyone.”

But it will… It does.

It hurts me. All types of dreams. Especially that one and those similar to it…

Reality isn’t letting me down; I am. I am letting her down.

Dreaming is good. But it’s not free. It takes my blood and tears, my muscles, my strength. It takes a toll. It wears me out. My soul…

It doesn’t take much. Just a spark and I’m set ablaze, to be consumed by the neverending fire of cursed fantasies. I wish I could stop them. It hurts.

Dreamers are blessed, they say. Blessed with a curse, I think. But it’s all I have…


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A page from my super cool notebook that my host mom gave me and on which I stuck a picture of the ocean(because sometimes all black is not okay). I’ve barely started using it now, simply to lay down some dramatic thoughts about life.

I know exactly what this one is about but it is one of those things that I must censor so I can’t let you in on it. My friends know… It is ridiculous but pretty intense. As all is. Can’t believe it was two weeks go I wrote that already! Time flies!!

I might or might not share more of it. I don’t know. Part of me thinks that she could keep things to herself but then I remember I just can’t live without sharing everything I possibly can. Haha

There’s gonna be a little wave of posts coming up in the next couple of days since I completely failed at scheduling this month. So, until next post, water your dreams and let ’em grow. ❤