Today I was happy. I felt like I hadn’t in a while. I felt lightweight and free. And okay.
Today I smiled. I wasn’t alone but with a golden someone and I was so very happy.
Today I cried. Time flies, things fade, ends strike. Was this a last time?
Today was a good day. I was happy. I cried. I ate a salad.
The mess in my head,
It has now leaked on my bed…
There’s dust everywhere!
Nope. Nope, nope nope nope. Nope nope; nope! Nope.
(Jk. For real though. But right now I’m like exhausted from moving and argh. Will tell you all about it this weekend. I don’t enjoy writing on my phone.)
It has been thirteen days since my last post and thirteen years since I first saw Finding Nemo. Time does fly by so fast yet so slow… Took my last retake exam today and went shopping right after it. AND I went to the movies to watch Finding Dory. It was amazing! Ten seconds in and my eyes were already tearing up. I had forgotten how intensely emotional Pixar productions can get and honestly, this one really hit me like at least 20 times throughout the whole story. It felt so good to meet the characters again and learn more about Dory’s background. And so many life lessons!
The tough times just keep coming at me but I’m okay with that. I’ll keep swimming. Against the current. And naked. For real, though. There is always a way, you just gotta keep your eyes and heart open and keep moving forward. Faith and hope are the things negative people try to take away from you because they know it is the key to existence, you know. You just gotta keep believing that there will be a better day, that things will get better, that you’ll eventually get there wherever “there” might be. I’ve heard of this thing called “regression to the mean” in Teen Wolf once which is a statistical phenomenon. And basically, the way I understood it is that it means that things won’t always be good and they won’t always be bad. There will be times where everything is awesome and times where everything is awful but eventually, things will come back to a neutral place. It’s the natural balance of things. So yeah, so far, 2016 and let’s take it up to September 2015, haven’t been really easy on me and it won’t seem to stop but it will. Soon enough I’ll get to that calmer place in life where I’ll take a breather and get prepared for the next wave. Until then I’ll keep moving on through the aches and pains and keep those dreams of mine held tight and dearly in my fists as I fight for a life worth fighting for.
I’m really happy that this all over for now. I really hope I do get really good grades for these exams but I won’t let it break me if I don’t. But, in all honesty, right now, all I can think about is how I’m finally gonna be able to go back to my guitar, my pencils, my paint and my long days of swimming in my element. For now I still have to rest and relax, my body is exhausted so I might take the whole weekend “off”, still torturing myself with art-deprivation BUT preserving my health. I got really scared about my wrists this week so from now on I’m really going to be careful and make sure I warm up EVERY TIME before I play and take it easy with knives too. Yes, it took me this long to realize how important my body was to my becoming a musician/artist. 😛
I really missed typing but I gotta stop because my wrists need a real good rest. I hope you’re all doing great and that, like me, you went to the movies to claim your childhood back(and did get it back only with a big bag of tears and chicken nuggets). And I hope you’re keeping your head up if you’re going through tough times(who isn’t? 😉 ) and you’re not taking shit from anyone. Dream on, dreamers and do on, doers. Remember to be thankful for all you don’t have and all you’ve got; see the beauty and preciousness in everything.
And KEEP SWIMMING! ❤
Yesterday I went out for a walk. Went to the post office to send two gifts for my little brother and ended up walking to the city center. My first intention was just to get some cash for the laundromat but I ended up buying this too. It’s my first ever watercolor palette. I’ve only ever used watercolor pencils so I bought this for a change. I actually wanted to buy a small set of oil paint but I didn’t have enough money. 😦 Maybe next month!
So it’s a very small palette of 10 colors. It comes with a small brush. It fits in the hand and can be easily taken everywhere with you due to the very compact size. And there’s also this metallic ring underneath the box which you can put your finger through when you hold it in your hand. It’s really nice. Haven’t tried it just yet but usually Daler Rowney products are okay and well, affordable.
I believe it was a wise choice. Can’t wait to miserably fail at using it. 😀
I’m definitely having a big issue with my Booksie account right now which makes it impossible to access any of my work posted on there. I have no idea what’s going on! I sent a mail in hopes of getting answers; am still waiting…
When trying to log in, they tell me I have no account and if I try to create a new account, I’m being told I already have an account registered with my e-mail address. So, I’m quite lost.
I won’t hide that it’s quite of a kick in the face and it got me a bit down. I put a lot of time creating a little community on Booksie, I’m really not that big, but I know there are people expecting to read my works. And it sure hurts to see all the time you invested in something vanish so suddenly and for no apparent reason. If I did something wrong I’d like to know what it is.
Now, it’s not like my works were lost because of course I have a copy of everything(I’m not crazy to the point I’ll trust a website to keep the only copy of anything that took a lot of my strength to create). But the thing is I really put a lot of my time in that website, creating bonds and even though I was still a tiny thing in the huge web of writers on there, it doesn’t feel good to be thrown away like that. I would like to at least know why I seem to have been wiped out of their website. I’d like to know what I did wrong. I know myself, I know how I work, and I know that if I don’t get a reason(and even if I get one, actually), I’ll think about it every single night for the rest of my life and it’ll always end up the reason why I can’t focus on something at some point in my life. But still if I’ve been banned or anything, I want to know why.
Safe to say that being unable to log into my account last night and feeling so helpless triggered my “anxiety” or rather the storm inside as I’d rather call it. For it is far from being a real anxiety as the simple word “anxiety” refers to but it’s more like an eight of that but mixed with eighth or quarters of many other different dark clouds. So it’s more like a storm. A big huge hurricane full of so many different things that devastate the dry lands of my mind.
It’s kind of hard to explain especially right now as I’m tired as fuck. But yeah. This tiny little event was enough to shake the dust and now the storm is awaking again. Just when I thought I could make it through the month without having to face any of this dark bullshit inside. I’ve started shaking (moderately) again and slept at least three hours overall last night. I hope it calms down. I hope I get a mail from Booksie and the problem is fixed. I hope the storm leaves me alone a little bit longer.
I’m not ready.